Tangled Webs
by FleetingRainbows
Summary: After a year away Luke returns to Oakdale. The Luke that returns is far different from the one who left. Everyone has questions about the changes they see, and Luke has questions of his own
1. Chapter 1

_**Chapter 1**_

_**Luke didn't know what he would find when he returned home, but he hadn't expected the house to be empty. Even though he hadn't told them he was coming, surely somebody must be home…someone was always home. Maybe it was for the best though, since he wasn't sure how he could face them all again. It had been a year since he had been sent away to the Kreeger foundation. A year since he had seen his parents…his family…his friends. He hadn't expected things to stay the same…why should they when even he was changed? **_

_**He thought about those changes as he looked around the living room. It didn't feel like home anymore to him, and that made him sad. He was still angry that they had sent him away to that place…and he wondered now that he was back if they could love him again. Would he be the son they wanted him to be…now that he wasn't confused…now that he knew who he had to be.**_

_**Now that he was straight.**_

_**Would his mom be able to look at him with pride again? Would Holden still think of him as a son…or would he believe that he was turning into Damian more and more every day? There was so much at stake here….so much to think about. So much…that he didn't like about himself now. He felt more confused than he did when he was…**_

"_**Oh, I didn't know anybody was here." **_

_**The voice caught him off guard, and jarred him out of his thoughts. He turned to see who had spoken and was momentarily spellbound by the most amazing pair of blue eyes he had ever seen. He winced as a sharp pain shot up his groin and he remembered the last time he had been captivated by a pair of blue eyes. That experience wasn't exactly what he would call pleasant. Just thinking about that made him wince again and he snapped himself back into reality.**_

"_**Uh…hi?" he said as he approached the stranger warily. "Who are you?"**_

"_**You must be Luke," the blue eyed stranger said with a smile. "I've heard so much about you, and I'm glad to finally meet you. I'm Noah by the way. Noah Mayer…I am an intern at WOAK."**_

"_**Oh," Luke replied his head spinning as he shook the other man's hand. So his parents had taken in a boarder? Someone to replace him. *Stop it Snyder,* he berated himself. *A real man is not insecure. A real man knows who he is and what he wants and he doesn't let petty things bother him.***_

_**Luke knew what he had to do. He couldn't be the new him unless he closed himself off emotionally. He had to be cold and cool…he needed to be ruthless with his emotions…withdrawn…aloof. That was what they had taught him at the foundation. What he had been feeling before was all wrong, he had been confused. He liked girls not guys, but somehow his friendship with Kevin had made things unclear. He was better now…he would be better…**_

"_**Your parents will be back soon," Noah's voice drew him out of his thoughts. He frowned, how much of the conversation had he missed? Noah wasn't beside him anymore. Instead he was picking up the luggage and heading for the stairs. "I'll just take these to your room for you. You must be exhausted."**_

_**He was a little tired, and he admitted it to Noah. He thanked him for helping him with his bags and declined Noah's offer of fixing him something to eat. All he wanted to do was sleep…he needed to close out the world for a while. He needed to think.**_

_**The sound of voices outside his door jarred him awake. How long had he been asleep? He sat up abruptly in his bed, looking around him as if he had forgotten where he was. He was in his room at home…but it didn't feel like his room anymore. Gone were the comic books that usually scattered the floor. The books he loved to read were gone as well. His bookshelf was now home to thick leather bound volumes that seemed so generic. There was no more warmth in this room. As if his parents had decided that they needed to be rid of any signs of his old life. Was that really how they felt about him?**_

_**The voices in the hallway were getting louder and he wondered what was going on out there. "You shouldn't disturb him right now Faith. He's sleeping," He heard Noah say.**_

"_**I don't think he'd mind if I went to see him," he heard his sister reply grumpily. "He's my brother and I haven't seen him in a whole year." **_

"_**I know," Noah said and Luke could hear the compassion in that voice. He didn't know what to make of it. "I think he was kind of bummed that no one was here when he came home…just give him some time."**_

**He heard Faith sigh, and knew that Noah had gotten through to her. He didn't know what to **_**make of that. On one hand he was touched that Noah somehow knew that he was sad even though he had never said it. On the other hand it was strange to see someone else be the big brother to his little sister. The big brother he couldn't be. Was she really happy to see him or did she want to rail and scream at him for leaving her. He wouldn't blame her if it was the latter.**_

"_**Oh, you are awake," Noah's voice once more interrupted his thoughts. He looked up to see the tall boy standing in the doorway with a tray. "Did you sleep well? I brought you up some tea and some coffee cake. Just in case you were hungry. Your parents are downstairs; I let them know you were home. They were glad to hear it. Do you want to see them?"**_

"_**Why are you being so nice to me?" Luke asked, forcing himself to look away from those eyes. If he tried hard enough he could ignore the feelings being stirred. Perhaps his first line of business was to get a girlfriend. Why did the thought of that make his stomach twist in knots? He pushed those thoughts away and focused on Noah once more. "I mean you don't even know me…yet you feel compelled to, I don't know…help me?"**_

_**Noah shrugged and brought the tray over to the nightstand. "I was just trying to make your home coming as nice as possible," he explained, taking a seat on the side of Luke's bed. "I…I know it can be tough coming home after being gone so long. And honestly I have been dying to meet you ever since I came to live with your family."**_

"_**You have?" Luke said amazed. He certainly didn't think he was that special of a person. "And how long have you been living here anyway?"**_

"_**Just since May," Noah responded, his eyes locked on Luke's brown eyes. He didn't fail to notice that there were green flecks in those eyes…he filed that fact away in his memory and reached for the cup of tea he had prepared for Luke. "Your mom was impressed by my resume and asked Kim to offer me the job. She was impressed with my talent and wanted to help out the best way she could. She offered me room and board to sweeten the deal…I was amazed by how nice she is. You see, I don't have a mom and…"**_

_**Noah stopped and shook his head realizing that he was talking way too much. He handed Luke his cup. "You should drink this before it gets cold. I'm sorry for rambling on like that. I guess I just wanted to have a friend. And if you are worried…I don't really care about what happened. I mean your problems aren't going to scare me off or anything like that."**_

_**Problems? Luke frowned and tilted his head to the side. He wasn't sure what Noah was talking about, and he didn't know if he wanted to find out. Just what had his parents told their new house guest about him?**_

_**The look that crossed Noah's face would have made Luke laugh at any other moment. Right now though, he could sense that the other boy was uncomfortable. Maybe even scared that he had said something wrong. "I just meant," Noah stammered, standing up off the bed and moving away. "I didn't mean to upset you Luke, I just they said that you…you know were in rehab for a whole year and I didn't want you to think that I was looking down on you for having a drinking problem."**_

_**Luke put the tea back on the table and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He couldn't believe this. All this time everyone thought he had gone to rehab? Of course that made sense. He didn't suppose they could tell the REAL reason why he had been sent away. "Thank you for the tea, Noah," he said curtly. He momentarily felt bad for the sad look he put in Noah's eyes but he let it pass. "I'm glad you aren't going to take issue with my problems as they were."**_

_**He brushed past Noah and left with no explanation. He didn't feel he owed him any. He was so …he didn't even have a name for the emotion he was feeling. Was it frustration? Was it anger? Or was he just hurt…ashamed? Or maybe it was jealousy. Whatever he felt he just needed to get out of there…out of the home that no longer felt like his and away from the people who were partly responsible for… **_

_**His thought cut off abruptly as he felt a pain in his head. He stopped and pressed his hands to either side of his temple and closed his eyes trying to control it. There were tears in his eyes and he cursed his weakness. This was not supposed to be this hard. Hadn't Damian told him that it would be simple? This certainly didn't seem like simple to him. **_

"_**Are you sure you don't want to stay with me, Luciano? You know I have plenty of room and you are always welcome."**_

_**Luke shook his head as he looked at his birth father across the table. A few days had passed since his return home, and he had somehow managed to avoid his parents for the most part. He couldn't explain it…not even to Noah though he had asked. Luke just didn't want to see them. He was certain his actions were hurting his parents but he had too many unresolved feelings to do anything about it.**_

"_**I am not going to be a burden on you, Damian," he said running a hand through his blond hair. "You have enough to worry about without having me underfoot. I…I'm fine at home. I think I've even made a new friend."**_

"_**With the boy who has taken your place in your mother's heart? Luciano you cannot be serious."**_

_**He thought he did a good job of hiding just how much that stung. He had confided in Damian his fears that this was the case. He wasn't sure what to think of the fact that he was now having those words thrown back in his face. "I don't really know that," he said keeping his tone neutral. "And I don't appreciate you throwing my words back at me either. That's just…that's just cruel. And I'm not going to blame Noah for anything my parents have done."**_

"_**You have every right to be jealous of him, son," Damian said placing a hand on Luke's shoulder to give it a squeeze. He has taken over your entire family, but maybe that is for the best. You are not the same as you used to be. You are a Grimaldi and its time for you to act like one.**_

_**Luke frowned. How many times over the past few months had his birth father come at him with that line? He didn't know exactly what that meant though. Nor was he sure he really wanted to do that. He was a Snyder plain and simple."**_

"_**Why should I listen to anything you say, Damian," he spat angrily. He wasn't sure where the rush of emotion came from but he was going to ride the wave. "You are just as responsible for me going to that…that place as they are! And you helped them lie about where I was. I don't trust you and I certainly don't trust them." **_

_**His hands went up to his head again as he felt a sharp pain. He moved away from Damian's touch and didn't get too far before he doubled over with the intensity of what he was feeling. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe. It was a technique he had learned while away. If he kept his head down, if he just let the pain ebb it would go away. Luke dropped to his knees.**_

"_**Luke are you okay?" Luke looked up and found himself staring into a concerned sapphire gaze. For a moment he wondered how Noah always seemed to be there when he needed him.**_

"_**Can you take me home?" Luke asked, hoping he didn't sound weak to Noah's ears. The pain was more intense than it had been in recent weeks. His ritual didn't seem to be working. It only made it worse. He needed to get away from Damian.**_

"_**I can take you home Luciano," Damian's voice reaches his ears. "I think you need to stay with me and away from this boy."**_

"_**I think we should let Luke make his own decisions," Noah snapped back. "He wants me to take him home and I will take him home."**_

"_**He's my son and you need to learn some manners," Damian fired back.**_

"_**Noah, please," Luke pleaded, holding up his hand to stop Noah from speaking. "Don't argue with him. Just take me home, okay? To my house." **_

_**He saw Noah glare at Damian one last time before helping him off the ground. Luke clung to him and didn't even spare a glance at his birth father as he walked away. Noah's arm was wrapped around his waist holding him steady until they reached a black truck. He allowed Noah to help him into the cab and he rested his head back against the seat. He was asleep before Noah even started the engine.**_

4


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2**_

_**As days turned into weeks Luke began to rely heavily on Noah for support. It was a fact that both scared him and intrigued him all at the same time. The simple truth was that without Noah he didn't know how to function. He had a strict regiment at the foundation. Every minute of every day was ordered. There was a time to wake up, a time to brush his teeth and even a time to go to the bathroom. He never had to think, he was told exactly what to do and when to do it.**_

Without the routine he was lost. Thinking used to come so naturally to him…now he could barely make up his mind on what to have for breakfast. He even needed help trying to find something decent to wear. There he was, his first day of work and he couldn't decide on the red shirt or the blue one. What was worse…every other shirt in his closet had stripes. He really needed a new wardrobe. He sighed as he threw his shirts on the bed and leaned his forehead against the closet. It was a struggle for him to even get up in the morning…what made him think he could do this?

"Luke, I just wanted to see if you were…oh," Noah said as Luke turned around to face him. "Do you need me to step out? I didn't mean to…"

Oh god please stay? I could really use your help."

"Is something wrong?" Noah asked coming further into the room.

"It's a disaster, Noah. I don't know if I can do this. I can't even find the right shirt. I mean look at these." He picked up the shirts and held them side by side for Noah to see. "Which one of these looks more professional? The red or the blue? Or neither? Luke tried not to interpret the look his friend was giving him. He thought he had seen a similar look before but that memory was too painful. He pushed it away."

"Noah….are they both bad?" he asked tentatively. "Noah?"

"Huh," Noah said coming out of his daze. "No…no Luke the shirts are fine. You should wear one of them."

"Which one," Luke said growing exasperated. Noah looked down at his own shirt, which Luke noted was blue and sighed before gazing back at his friend.

"Wear the blue one Luke. It will look nice with your slacks."

"Thank you," Luke said gratefully."

Noah's eyes never left Luke as he turned to put on his shirt. His eyes widened as he caught sight of Luke's back. It was a fleeting glimpse, for Luke was quick to cover himself with the blue fabric. _Were those scars? _He thought to himself a frown crossing his face. He was curious, but he could tell that Luke was uncomfortable with him staring. That fact would be filed away with the other pieces of information he learned about Luke.

"Do you want anything to eat before you leave, honey?" Lily asked as they entered the kitchen.

"No thank you. I'm too nervous to eat," Luke replied, shifting his feet as if to emphasize his point.

"Noah what about you? Did you want anything?"

"No, Ma'am. I will just get something at the station. And I will make sure Luke eats too."

Luke watched as Lily hugged Noah good bye, before turning her gaze on him. He watched her warily for a moment as she moved towards him. He couldn't quite figure out what she was doing, though her eyes were stirring with emotion. Her hand reached out to touch him once she was close enough. She smoothed out the imaginary crease in his shirt and he just stood there watching her…his expression blank.

"I have to go," he said, his voice sounding robotic even to his ears. She moved her hand as if he had burned her and he turned to leave. Inside he was crying…inside he longed for the comfort he used to get from her but those days were gone.

Luke knew Noah wondered why he was so distant from his family. He knew that he wanted to ask questions, but never did. Luke was grateful for this…for he didn't know the answers.

How could he even begin to explain that the reason he ignored his parents was because he hated them? How did he tell Noah, who didn't have a mother; that his own mom was the reason he had been sent away in the first place? How did he even begin to voice the betrayal that was in his heart…or the guilt that plagued his soul? There was no way to explain it, and he didn't even dare to try. Emotions were a bothersome things and he was better off leaving them bottled up. Hadn't they taught him that at Kreegers? The only feeling he needed to work on was pride and with that came arrogance and an air of superiority he wasn't sure he could muster. He would try though…he had to.

The truth was, he didn't know how to be happy anymore. He could fake it...he had perfected that talent while he was away. It was how he had survived the past few months. But true uninhibited joy…that didn't exist.

He felt empty hearing the news that most of his friends had moved on. He knew he should be happy for Will. He had been his best friend…the one who hadn't bailed on him…but did that even matter now? Will and Gwen were getting a second chance at starting a family. Apparently Casey was out of jail…but had decided not to come back to Oakdale. Kevin was gone too. Maddie was the only one of his friends who seemed to care that he was back. He plastered on a smile for her sake. He was working now, at WOAK with Maddie and Noah. Maddie hugged him and talked a mile a minute about what he had missed.

"Are you even listening to me," a shrill voice pulled him out of his thoughts. He turned just as a large stack of papers was thrust at his chest. "These need to be collated, stapled and filed by 5pm and you better do it right this time."

"But," Luke started but he stopped when those harsh green eyes glared at him.

"No buts, Luke, just do it." And with that Tiphani McPherson sauntered out of the room. Luke was frozen. He couldn't even think. His mind was blank except for a sense of undefined dread.

He felt a presence behind him and the dread became terror.

"Are you alright?" Luke heard Noah's voice, but it sounded so far away. He started violently as he felt the jolt of contact when a hand grasped his arm. The papers scattered to the floor as Noah's face came into focus.

"Did I hurt you? Noah asked. "Are you okay?"

Luke shook his head trying to clear away the cobwebs before responding to Noah's query. "I have to be done by five."

"Done what? It's 4:30. What do you have to have done in the next thirty minutes?"

"Thirty minutes," Luke exclaimed. "These need to be sorted, collated, stapled and filed by five!" Luke said animatedly.

He was startled by the expression on Noah's face and he frowned. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No," Noah quickly assured him. "No, it's just that for a moment you looked like you did in the picture."

"What picture?" Luke asked not sure he really wanted the answer.

"The one on your Mom's desk."

"Yeah," Luke's frown deepened. "Back when I was…drinking." He closed his eyes for a moment, remembering the exercise he learned while he was away. He could see the bookshelf in the distance, there was one book out of place. As he imagined his emotions being closed up and shelved, he felt a momentary pang, but knew it was for the best.

The expression on his face was unreadable as he stared down at the cascade of papers at his feet. There was no way this was going to get done by five o'clock. He didn't even know where to start."

"I can help you with that," Noah's voice burned through the fog. "We can get this done Luke. We can do it together."

He was drawn to that blue gaze. There was a mixture of concern and some emotion he couldn't name.

**  
Luke was momentarily stunned when his hand made contact with Noah's. He sat back on the heels of his feet and blinked. He wasn't even sure how to explain what that felt like. It was unlike anything he had ever felt before.

"Luke," Noah's voice reached his ears. "You okay?"

"Yes," he responded quickly, returning to the task at hand. "I'm fine…just…am I doing this right?"

"You're doing fine," Noah assured him. "It wasn't fair of Tiphani to give you a deadline for this. We'll get it all done before we go home."

Luke nodded. He felt calmer now that Noah had shown him what needed to be done. He was frustrated with himself for not being able to process the task properly. There was so much he couldn't tap into anymore….it was as if that part of his brain was dead.

"There you are." A new voice broke the silence that had fallen as they worked. Luke looked up and acknowledged Maddie's presence with a nod.

"You were looking for us?" he asked warily. "I didn't do it…well I did…but…"

"Who told you to help him?" The shriek interrupted Luke's sentence. He looked up from the papers just as Maddie and Noah turned to see as well. Tiphani McPherson stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips. She was glaring straight at Luke, who averted his gaze and tried hard not to tremble. What was wrong with him?

"Back off, Tiphani," Noah shouted. Luke saw him stand and marveled at his ability to stand up to her. "Why do you have to pick on him," Noah defended. His voice sounded loud in the small room. "He's doing the best he can, considering you didn't give him a lot of time to complete such a big task."

"You shouldn't stick your nose in other people's affairs Mayer," Tiphani shot back. For the record I gave him this task hours ago. He screwed it up."

"Tiphani," Maddie's voice joined the fray. "It's his first day. Do you remember what it was like to be new? Cut him a break."

He was no longer listening to the conversation. Tiphani's words resounded in his mind, drowning out any other coherent thoughts.

_You screwed up this time, Snyder," a gruff voice intoned. "And now you have to pay the price." The sound of the whip made him gulp and beads of sweat appeared on his brow. He tried to get up, needing to fight off the coming attack. A foot came down hard on his back and he winced with the pain. "There is a special hell for screw ups Snyder. And that's exactly where you're going today."_

_They whipped him until he wept and locked him in a room for days. Isolation was what they called it. It reminded him of the cave in Malta…he didn't like the dark._

The hand on his shoulder made him jump. He relaxed once he realized it was just Noah.

"Are you ready to go home?" he asked and Luke wondered if he was imagining the compassion he heard in that voice. It took him a moment to realize that Maddie and Tiphani were gone, and all the scripts were sorted, collated, stapled and ready to be filed.

"We're finished?"

"Yes," Noah smiled. "You're pretty quick once you know the steps. You didn't screw up, Luke. You did great."

Luke couldn't explain why those words confused him and pleased him at the same time.

His parents were in the living room when they got home, and Luke stopped in the doorway just staring at them for a minute. Noah stopped behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder. At that moment Luke took note of how tall his friend was.

"Just go in and say hello to them. The world isn't going to end if you talk to them. And… you're not alone."

Luke nodded and swallowed. He walked further into the house and realized that they were all there- his parents, Faith, Natalie and the baby, Ethan. This was his family, and he didn't know them any more

The baby had been born while he was away… after he caused his mom to fall…. put her in the coma.

"How was your first day at work, honey?"

He turned towards the voice, his mom, and he didn't know what to make of the emotion he saw in her eyes.

He used to know her… he used to be able to read her thoughts in her eyes. But now…

"It was ok," he shrugged, pushing all other thoughts aside. He couldn't focus on that if he was going to get through this

Out of the corner of his eye, he watched his baby brother toddle over to Noah, who was standing close by. Ethan raised his arms, and Noah grinned and scooped him up.

"Noah showed me around. And I talked to Maddie"

"Did you meet Tiphani?" his mom asked. Luke tried not to analyze that question.

"I did..." He responded, hoping his tone gave away nothing of how he was feeling.

"Tiphani can be a real pain sometimes," Noah joined the conversation

"You haven't like her since day one," Lily responded with a smile in her voice

"For good reason," Noah countered. "I seem to recall you agreeing with me during that argument! I don't think Tiphani has forgiven me for that."

As Noah and his mom spoke, Luke allowed his eyes to focus on the only father he truly ever claimed. Damian may have been there at conception, but he really had no claim over Luke's heart, especially not now. But Holden, it was his betrayal that stung the most.

Had he deserved this fate? Was it the fact that he alone was responsible for his mom's accident that changed the tide between him and Holden? Did the man even truly love him, or was it all a lie?

If the story behind those crystal blue eyes told him anything it was that Holden's feelings weren't fake. But if he loved him, how could he allow him to be sent away? And why had he asked Damian to do it? Had it been that hard to stand him after what happened? Did he hate me that much that he couldn't even tell me to my face?

"Son, you know I'm here for you, when you're ready to talk," Holden said.

Luke missed talking to his dad. He missed working on some random project around the house. He hated that he couldn't get past this. That he didn't know how. Besides, his dad didn't need him. He had Aaron and Ethan… and Noah.

I just need some time, okay? He hoped that was enough. It had to be. He didn't like to see his parents hurting; he didn't enjoy seeing the pain he was causing them. But he didn't know another way. And wouldn't it be worse, if they knew he hated them?.

"Whenever you're ready," Holden repeated

And Luke found himself wondering if his dad was sincere.

He had dinner with his family that night. Luke tried to ignore the awkwardness around the table. Mundane conversation was strained, at least on his end. Noah was a natural. He had conversation with everyone- and even managed to keep them all straight.

Faith gave Luke a hug when dinner was done. He hugged her back, but he felt guilty because he wasn't sure how to love anyone any more.

"That wasn't so hard, was it?" Noah was standing in the doorway of Luke's room with a smile on his face. Luke tried not to focus on the fact that Noah's shirt matched his eyes.

"It was nice," he admitted. "I… I don't think I could have done it without you. Thank you… for helping me. I…uh… I don't understand why…you … you… care to. But...I would be… so… lost without you."

"I think you give me too much credit, Luke." Noah's voice was so soft; at first Luke wondered if he had imagined those words. "But for what it's worth, I'd be so lost without you too."

With that statement, Luke was bewildered and Noah was gone. Luke didn't think he would ever understand his new friend.

1


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

He had to get up. He knew that, on a conscious level, but he couldn't move. Every muscle in his body screamed with agony and it even hurt to breathe. But if he didn't get up then they would come and wake him up.

He could still feel the bite of the whip in his flesh, and it made him wince. He was not looking forward to this day…the fifth of his punishment. He didn't know how much more of this he could endure. He still wasn't quite sure what he had done wrong.

He closed his eyes for a moment trying to muster up the strength to get up. He tried moving his arms, but met with resistance. A quiver of fear ran up his spine as he realized he was bound to the bed. He couldn't move, and when he tried to fight the restraints he scraped his wrists.

He bit down on his tongue, not wanting to scream out loud. Screaming would only get him in more trouble. He wished Adam were there…he would help him. He would make this bearable.

Bright light streamed into the room at that moment and Luke found himself looking into the palest blue eyes he had ever seen. Usually that gaze gave him a lot of comfort…but today there was something almost ominous about it. Luke frowned as he watched the man come into the room, his hands behind his back as he approached him.

"Adam can you help me please?" Luke said gesturing to his arms. "Please get me out of these…"

Adam's hand none to gently came down on Luke's mouth shushing him. "Just be quiet."

"But…Adam," Luke started, his tone barely a whisper. He felt more then saw Adam slap him across the face. His eyes were watering with tears, but he was too stunned to actually cry.

"I told you to shut up, Luke. You need to learn how to listen if you ever are going to survive here. You can't keep doing what you're doing."

"I…I didn't do anything," Luke said knowing he sounded scared. He hated this fear that was inside of him. "Why are you being so mean to me? I thought you were my friend."

Dr. Kreeger appeared in the doorway smiling as he gave instructions to Adam that Luke couldn't understand. He realized what was going on when Adam held up a big needle.

"No..nonnononononono…please not that again please don't do that to me again," he said as he tried to get away from the needle. Adam grabbed a hold of him to keep him still but he squirmed until the needle punctured his skin.

And he screamed.

Luke's eyes were closed tightly and he was lost in the nightmare. He could hear himself screaming as clearly as he had that night and it didn't seem like he was going to stop. He wanted to weep, he wanted to curl up in a ball, but he couldn't even do that. He was trapped and there was no way out.

He heard the banging. "Go away!" he screamed. "Don't hurt me anymore, please don't hurt me. PLEASE….just leave me alone."

"Luke, son it's your dad!"

"Nonononononono, go away...just go away," Luke cried. He could still hear the voices outside and he wanted them to leave.

"What's going on?" He heard Noah's voice outside his door. What was Noah doing there?

"I think Luke's having a bad dream." Luke heard the door open and he squeezed his eyes even tighter. He didn't want anyone in here, but he could feel their presences. He screamed when he felt a hand touch him, shake his shoulder, and he tried to fight but he couldn't. He could barely move.

"Get away from me," he screamed, lashing out at his unknown assailant. "Just get away."

"Let me try," Noah's voice again, closer. And the hand was removed. "You should go out in the hall…just trust me."

He heard the door close, and his heartbeat settled down a bit. Another hand touching him, but this one felt gentle and that confused him.

"Open your eyes Luke," Noah's soothing tones ordered. "Come out of the nightmare. Come to me okay?"

"N…Noah?" he asked hesitantly. His eyes flew open and he was staring into a sapphire gaze. His first instinct was to panic…but the hand, that soft touch- it relaxed him. And those eyes…they were different from the ones he feared. "Please don't hurt me, Noah."

Noah's hand felt good against his skin and his trembling ceased…his breathing slowed and he relaxed his body. "Luke, no one is going to hurt you. You had a bad dream. It was just a dream."

On impulsive he slipped into Noah's arms. He couldn't explain why he did that, but he needed it…he felt drawn to it. For long moments Noah allowed his fingers to run through Luke's hair, and Luke tried to gather his thoughts…trying to figure out what exactly had happened.

"Does this have something to do with your back?" Noah asked, and Luke marveled at how deep and soft that voice was. It was very comforting, and he wanted to get lost in it…just for a moment. He knew it was wrong, but he didn't care right now. He felt…safe here in the arms of his friend. He didn't want to let go.

"Is it the scars?"

That soft voice was like a blanket of warmth and he wanted to close his eyes and just lose himself…but he couldn't. He moved, pulling out of those arms and allowing his eyes to meet that blue gaze yet again. "What?" he asked, partly wanting to hear the voice again, partly because he had missed what Noah had said.

"I saw your back while you were getting dressed before. The scars…are they a result of this nightmare?"

He opened his mouth, ready with a response but it melted on his tongue. There was just something about that gaze, he was…powerless against it and he didn't understand why. "Yes," he said his tone timid as he forced himself to pull away from those eyes. "I…I think so." He frowned, his nightmare had frightened him, and he wasn't really sure where the events fell. "I mean...I was…" He owned again and shook his head. He didn't know what he was saying.

"Talk to me." A soft hand touched his back, rubbing up and down…soothing him, giving him the strength to talk. He just didn't know what to say. "Tell me what you are feeling, Luke," Noah's voice answered his thought.

"I couldn't move…I was tied to the bed and there was pain. A lot of pain."

"Did someone hurt you?" Noah queried.

"Adam," Luke gasped. He…he held me down."

"Who's Adam," Noah asked, frowning.

"The doctor had a needle and….I don't like needles." He frowned and closed his eyes something about that didn't seem right.

"Needles?" Noah repeated. "Was it medicine?"

"They said it was for my own good," Luke replied. He was trying to concentrate, trying to sort out his dream from fact and reality. It was hard…everything seemed so scattered. "I was being pun…punished for breaking rules. I didn't know I was breaking the rules."

"Luke, I need you to focus," Noah said shaking him lightly wanting his full attention. He turned to gaze once more at Noah and was surprised to see concern in his eyes. He had all but forgotten what that looked like until he met Noah. "You with me?" Noah asked.

He nodded, trying to force himself to continue looking into the sapphire depths. Noah's eyes reminded him of oceans like he used to see on globes. Deep…penetrating blue.

"Did you get punished a lot?"

Luke shuddered. He was always being punished. At least it always seemed like that. It didn't matter what was going on at any point in his day. He was always being subjected to some sort of routine…they all seemed like punishments. He didn't know what was worse…the punishments or the headaches. Or maybe just maybe the worst part was… his eyes clenched shut and his hands went up to his head…he couldn't do this…couldn't talk about it.

"Luke," Noah's voice somehow penetrated the fog and he lifted his head, his eyes still closed but he knew he was facing Noah. He could feel Noah's hand rubbing the back of his neck trying to ease the tension there.

"You aren't there anymore, Luke," Noah said as he continued to rub Luke's neck. And I'm going to be here for you…if you will let me okay?"

He nodded. He really didn't think he could do this without Noah. He was so confused. "What did you say?" He asked looking at his sapphire eyed friend. He had drifted for a moment and missed Noah's words.

"You should talk to your dad," Noah told him. "I know he wants to help you."

"I can't," Luke shook his head frantically. "Don't make me do that, Noah please don't..."

"Easy," Noah soothed. "Listen to me Luke. Your dad loves you. He is worried about you and he only wants to help. Let him help you…okay?"

Several moments later, resigned, he followed Noah out of the room, his emotions tucked neatly away as his eyes landed on his dad. "I'm ready to talk now," he said, and he felt Noah's hand on his shoulder giving him a reassuring squeeze. A moment of silence passed as if his dad was trying to size up the situation before nodding.

His mom was up too, and he frowned. Had he really awakened the whole house with his bad dream? "Can I talk to you a minute, Lily? He heard Noah ask his mom. They were all heading to the kitchen…his dad had mentioned something about coffee.

"We'll give Luke and Holden some privacy," Noah's voice met his ears…it was lower now…for Noah was taking his mother into the other room. "I wanted to ask if it were okay to move into the room next door to Luke's" he heard before the voices faded away. He couldn't hear his mom's response and he sighed. His father placed a mug of steaming coffee in front of him and he stared down it at, finding that much preferable then meeting his dad's gaze.

The silence was awkward. Neither man knew exactly what to say or where to start. Luke had a feeling his father was waiting for him to begin. He just didn't know how to do it anymore. He hated that he couldn't even talk to his dad without an instruction manual. It used to come so easily to him…he and his dad talked about everything. Even when they were upset with each other they had still been able to communicate. This was different though. He felt…betrayed by his dad and he didn't know how to express that.

He needed to say something. His dad just wanted to help him…and Luke wanted to trust him. He DID trust him… He couldn't understand why, but he did. He wanted to talk to him…but first he needed to figure out what to say.

"I…I didn't mean to wake you up," He apologized, biting his lip as he looked up from his coffee cup.

"That's okay, Luke. You know I love you right? No matter what you tell me, I'm going to be here for you."

"It was just a bad dream, Dad," he said picking up his coffee and taking a sip. "I guess I woke the whole house didn't I?"

"Just your mother, me and Noah," Holden responded sipping from his own mug. "Your sisters and your brother can sleep through just about anything."

The makings of a smile crossed his lips but didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Son, did something happen…?"

"You could say that," Luke said softly. He shook his head and allowed his fingers to trace the rim of his mug. "One time, they decided that I wasn't "recovering" fast enough for their liking." Luke shifted uncomfortably at the word recovering. "So, they isolated me…said that outside influences were causing me to stray from the path." He allowed his eyes to meet his father's again, and marveled at what he saw. There was shock and sadness mixed with a hint of anger and it made Luke wonder. Does he feel bad for sending me there? Or is there more to this then even I know? "Isolation is no fun dad," he said picking up the thread of story.

"It sucked, and it made me sick. I couldn't eat…I was too upset, and there was no sunlight. Just a lot of darkness, and a lot of time to think and miss everyone…everything on the outside. And you know what's worse, Dad? When you come out of there…it takes a while to get used to the light again."

Silence reigned for a moment as Luke's words hung in the air between them. For Luke coming out of the dark was as scary an experience as being completely submerged in it. He knew his father could understand that darkness. They had gone through dark captivity together…so long ago, but he could still remember. His dad had been so brave back then…and he wanted to be brave like that.

"Luke," his dad's voice drew him back to the present. "I have faith that you will find your way back into the light. And I want to help you. Just tell me what I can do, son. What can I do?"

Luke looked at his dad, a thoughtful frown on his face. He knew his dad was sincere; he didn't even have to question it this time. There was so much he didn't understand but something he knew very well. If there was one person in this world that he needed to have in his corner it was the man sitting right across from him. It would take some doing, and it probably wouldn't happen overnight but it was something he needed to happen.

"I…I want…my dad back. Would that be okay?"

7


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4**_

_**To Luke it seemed like hours passed as he sat there, even though it had only been mere minutes. His gaze was locked on that of his father…though he couldn't read those eyes. It had been a long time since he had been able to decipher what his dad was thinking. OF course that had been before everything changed. He didn't know how Holden would react to his request. Would he understand…would he get it? Would he know that Luke wanted him to believe in him again? Or was it a lost cause? **_

_**No, he couldn't believe that…he had to have faith in something. Right now the cards…all of them were in Holden's hands. Luke fidgeted uncomfortably in his chair, wishing that intense gaze wasn't focused so completely on him. He felt like he was being objectified, as if Holden was searching for all his imperfections. The silence wasn't helping and he almost wished he had kept his mouth shut…hadn't he learned that shutting up was always the best way to stay out of trouble?**_

"_**I'm not sure I understand," his dad's voice was soft-spoken as always, but somehow it felt empty…cold. That alone didn't make sense to him and it made him frown. His father was sitting right across from him, yet it seemed like they were separated by more than just the expanse of a table. His fingers curled around the mug, holding on tightly to keep them from shaking. **_

"_**Understand what?" he forced the words through his lips, reminding himself that this was important. This was one thing he really wanted.**_

"_**I haven't gone anywhere, Luke. "I've been right here the whole time."**_

_**Even the simplistic answers confused him, and he pursed his lips not sure how to respond to this admission. How could he get Holden to understand? How did he begin to explain the raging storm that was his brain?**_

"_**I…" He started, the words stuck in his throat. A frown crossed his features again as he tried to process what he wanted to say. What DID he want to say? "I…you were dis…appointed in me. I…I let you down, and I missed…miss you."**_

"_**I miss you too, son." Holden's voice slipped between the cracks and touched somewhere deep inside him. He wanted to believe those words, wanted to bask in them and glorify in the feelings attached to them but he couldn't. The words fell short of the shelf that held his emotions, and they shattered like shards of glass cutting small holes in his heart and his soul. **_

"_**I want to help you, Luke," Holden's voice reached his ears again. "I want to do whatever I can for you, but you have to tell me where to start. I'm here for you anyway I can be. Just tell me what you want me to do."**_

"_**Will…will you try to listen?" Luke asked, biting his lip and averting his gaze. Perhaps that had been a stupid question but he didn't know what else to say.**_

"_**I'm all ears." **_

"_**I didn't like it….there but he said…he said it was for my own good. He…he said you wanted me to be there because it was better. I just don't get that. He said he talked to you and told you how…how I was…" HE trailed off for a moment, frowning as he tried to catch the word that was eluding him. **_

"_**You didn't want me..." He started again, looking up to meet his father's eyes. "I just wanted to be who I'm supposed to be…but now I don't know who or what that is."**_

"_**Son…" Holden started but trailed off when Luke shook his head.**_

"_**He said I was too messed up to be reasonable and you agreed…that's why I was sent away. He convinced me that I needed to be there…but now I'm more confused and I just…I just I don't like the nightmares." His voice was so soft as he said that, and only the sadness in Holden's eyes told Luke he had heard. "I don't want to be confused…but I am. He said I would understand why you didn't want me, dad but I don't." **_

_**His father stood up and for one split second he was afraid. That fear slipped away when the older man pulled him up out of the chair and into a hug. For a moment Luke didn't know how to react to that. He stood there, wrapped in that embrace, battling against all the emotions that were threatening to break free. **_

"_**I love you Son. You can be whoever you want to be…I will love you no matter what."**_

_**Ever so slowly his arms moved. The motion was almost mechanical, his hands wrapping around his father's frame as he buried his head against the strong chest and held on tight. In an instant he felt the fringes of a connection he used to know so well. It was there, waiting for him to grasp it…and he wanted to. No one could ever know how much he wanted to grab a hold of it and cling to it. But it was out of his reach…no matter how hard he tried he couldn't touch it, and that was what hurt the most. **_

"_**Oh god" he said, his hands slipping away suddenly and going to his head. He backed away from Holden and would have lost his balance if the other man hadn't reached out to catch him. His head was pounding, and he squeezed his eyes closed trying to make it go away. **_

"_**Luke?" He heard the voice but he didn't have the strength to respond. He whimpered and squeezed his eyes tighter as if that would help somehow. "Lily," His dad yelled, "Someone help me. Call a doctor."**_

_**The mention of a doctor snapped him out of the pain, if only long enough to shake his head and back away from his father. "No, please don't call a doctor. I'm fine. I…I just need…I need sleep. That's all just sleep."**_

_**Footsteps alerted him to the fact that someone had answered Holden's call for help. He turned and saw his mother and Noah standing there with concerned looks on their faces. "I'm…fine," he said again. "I just want to go to bed…okay."**_

_**He felt a hand touch his shoulder and turned to see that Noah had reached his side. Holden was beside him too and Luke moved away from them both, stumbling as he tried to make it to the stairs. **_

_**Noah watched as Holden moved after Luke, catching him before he fell. It made Noah frown to see Luke so…unbalanced and he wished there was something he could do to help. He wanted to figure out what was going on, but first it was time to get Luke to sleep. He followed Holden and Luke up the stairs, with Lily close on his heels, and he could hear Luke telling Holden that he didn't want him to stay in the room.**_

"_**I'll stay with him," Noah said, placing a hand on Holden's shoulder. "Would that be okay with you, Luke?"**_

_**There was just something about that dark gaze that drew him in, and he couldn't quite explain it. He just wanted to help Luke, and he had to figure out how to do it. For the moment staying with him while he slept seemed to be the best idea.**_

"_**Okay," Luke said, his voice sounding childlike to Noah's ears. **_

_**HE turned away from that brown gaze and squeezed Holden's shoulder again. "Don't worry; he'll be safe with me. We'll talk in the morning."**_

_**Holden stared at Noah gratefully before turning his attention to his son. "Good night, Son. I love you." Noah watched as Holden moved forward, and knew he wanted to touch Luke again but then thought better of it. HE thanked Noah silently and left the room. **_

_**Noah closed the door before turning to face the blond who now had his head down. "Are you ready to get some sleep? Do you think you can?"**_

_**Luke looked up and Noah's heart fluttered at the sight of him looking so vulnerable. He pushed those feelings aside, not wanting to dwell on them at the moment. Luke's wellbeing was the only thing he should be focusing on.**_

"_**I think I'm ready to sleep now," Luke spoke just then, though he made no attempt to move. He just stood there silently, expectantly waiting for Noah to make the first move. **_

_**His eyes were still on Luke as he moved to his side. He placed a hand on Luke's shoulder and silently guided him to the bed. Noah wondered what Luke was thinking as he stood by his side waiting for the bed to be ready. He was a mystery Noah wanted to solve, but he wasn't quite sure where to start. There was just something…intriguing…yeah that was the right word. There was just something about him that made Noah gravitate toward him and sometimes, he wondered if it was more than just the fact that Luke seemed so lost. **_

_**A sudden movement caused him to turn and he realized that Luke seemed to be shaking. Noah frowned and once again placed a hand on Luke's shoulder. "Its okay, Luke, you aren't alone. I'm here, to stay with you remember?"**_

_**Luke bit his lip and nodded, but the shaking didn't stop.**_

"_**Go ahead, climb into bed. There are no monsters there."**_

_**Luke looked at him, those brown eyes wide with something akin to surprise and wonder. **_

_**Ever so gently Noah helped Luke settle into bed, and tucked him in snugly. The blond head rested on the pillow, and Noah settled down beside him on the bed. He was momentarily surprised when Luke snuggled up close to him and promptly fell into a deep slumber.**_

_**For long moments Noah just watched the rise and fall of the other boy's chest. He looked so peaceful like that, and so untroubled…he was beautiful. A soft smile crossed Noah's lips as he shifted, trying not to wake Luke as he stretched himself out on the bed. He had promised to stay by Luke's side and that was what he would do. It was hours before he allowed himself to go to sleep. He dozed on and off, his eyes opening at every sound. Luke didn't stir again that night, and finally Noah gave himself over to sleep. He would be tired in the morning, but he didn't care…Luke was all that mattered. **_

_**When Luke opened his eyes the first thing he noticed was that he wasn't alone. He could feel the warm body he was pressed up against, and almost instinctively moved closer to it. He realized his mistake when he felt a sharp pain rip through his skull. A loud groan escaped his lips, despite his efforts to keep quiet. He scrambled away, trying to put as much distance as he could between him and the body. Somehow he miscalculated and a yelp escaped his lips as he crashed to the floor. His head went back, hitting the nightstand behind him. He felt like such an idiot.**_

"_**Luke." He looked up when he heard his name and was relieved to see concerned blue eyes staring back at him. "Are you okay? What happened?"**_

_**He opened his mouth to explain, but once again he wasn't sure what to say. How did he even begin to explain his actions when he didn't completely understand them himself? "My…my head hurts," he said finally. It was the truth, his head was throbbing and he really wished it would stop. **_

_**Luke watched Noah slip off the bed, and soon he was standing right in front of him. Luke couldn't do much but stare. He was sure if he opened his mouth and tried to speak he would say the wrong thing. Noah looked so much bigger from his vantage point and that scared him a little. Yet he knew there was nothing to fear with Noah…Noah was not Adam.**_

"_**I'll get you some aspirin," Noah said reaching out a hand for Luke. Luke glanced at the outstretched hand for a second before grasping it. Noah's grip was firm and strong; Luke couldn't help but notice as he was pulled to his feet. He ignored his wobbly legs and shook his head.**_

"_**It's okay. I don't…need any, Noah. Just…I'm sorry. We have to go to work today…right?"**_

"_**Yes," Noah responded, taking note that Luke wanted to change the subject. "We have some time before we need to get ready though. I wanted to talk to you first, is that alright?"**_

_**Luke was slightly taken aback that Noah wanted his opinion but he covered and tried to smile. "Yes that would…that would be okay. If you really want to."**_

_**Noah took a seat on the bed and patted the spot beside him. "Come on, Luke have a seat. I don't bite, I promise."**_

_**Luke sat beside Noah, folding his hands in his lap as he faced those blue eyes. He waited for Noah to say something, not quite sure what he wanted to say, but at the same time eager to hear that the gentle tones of that voice. It was unsettling to him just how much he wanted to hear Noah speak.**_

"_**I wanted to talk to you about last night," Noah explained. Did things go alright with your dad before your head started to hurt?"**_

_**Luke looked down at his hands, his thumbs wrestling with each other as he tried to find the right words. His conversation with his dad hadn't gone great…but it wasn't a total waste either. He sensed that his father really cared about him…but that sense only stood to puzzle him more.**_

"_**I don't think…" he started looking back up at Noah. "I don't think he completely…understands what I was trying to tell him. I don't think I did a good job of explaining it…even though I tried."**_

"_**I'm sure you did fine, Luke," Noah encouraged. "You know your father loves you, right?"**_

"_**That's what he said," Luke said wistfully.**_

"_**He was very worried about you last night," Noah explained. "Especially after your talk. You should try talking to him again, when you're up to it…okay?"**_

"_**Yes," Luke agreed. "I…I think I can do that."**_

"_**Good," Noah smiled, and Luke could have sworn those blue eyes got even brighter. "Now I should leave you to get ready for work."**_

"_**Noah?" Luke called, biting his lip when the other man turned to face him. **_

"_**Yes?"**_

"_**You…said something to my Mom. About moving into the next room. What was that about?"**_

"_**I wanted to be closer to you," Noah confessed and Luke wasn't sure what to make of those words. "I want to help you with the nightmares, Luke," Noah continued. "I can do that better if I am in the room beside yours."**_

_**Luke just nodded as he thought about what Noah was saying. He still didn't quite get why Noah was doing all of this, but the truth was he liked having his new friend close. "I don't quite know what to think of you…but thank you."**_

"_**You don't have to thank me, Luke. Now go get yourself ready." Luke could have sworn he heard Noah yawn as he left the room, though Mr. Blue eyes had tried hard to hide it. It made him frown as he wondered if he was the reason why Noah was tired. He didn't like that thought.**_

"_**You aren't doing that right," he heard that shrill voice snap yet again. He sighed and turned to see Tiphani standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips. He had lost count of how many times she had said that to him just in that hour alone. He wasn't sure what she expected, and he wished Noah was there beside him at that moment…or Maddie. Anyone would have been preferable to having to deal with Tiphani on his own.**_

_**He looked back at the tapes he was sorting through and frowned. Noah had explained that he should order them by date and then order them by category. What could he be doing wrong?**_

"_**What are you stupid," Tiphani exclaimed coming over and pushing him out of the way. "This isn't how you sort them. They need to be put in alphabetical order. How hard is that? You're such a moron sometimes."**_

"_**But I am sorting them in alphabetical order," Luke protested looking back at the tapes.**_

"_**Then why do you have S before R, Stupid?" Tiphani sighed and started moving things around.**_

"_**Don't do that," Luke said horrified. He had everything set up in a system and if she touched it even a little bit, he didn't know how to get back to it."**_

"_**Luke," Noah's voice met his ears and he looked frantically for his friend, finally spotting him just inside the doorway. "Is everything okay? I could hear you yelling? Tiphani what are you doing?" **_

"_**Trying to fix the mess your friend here has made."**_

"_**I…had those in a certain order, Noah," Luke said lamely. He was sure his argument couldn't even begin to measure up to Tiphani's by any means. "She's going to mess it up and then I don't know if I can do it the way you told me to."**_

"_**OH stop whining," Tiphani barked even as yet another person entered the room. **_

"_**Tiphani..." Noah tried to warn, but the red head kept on messing with the tapes, all the while shooting off her mouth at Luke.**_

"_**You obviously don't have what it takes to work in this kind of professional setting…haven't you had enough?"**_

_**Luke didn't know what to say. He looked at Noah who was frowning in his direction and it made him feel worse. Was Noah mad at him too?"**_

"_**I can't stand spoiled brats who don't know how to do anything."**_

"_**That will be enough Tiphani." The cool but stern voice caught Luke off guard and he looked up startled to see his mom in the room. Had she been there a moment ago?**_

"_**Oh, Mrs. Snyder," Tiphani, purred, pasting a smile on her face. "How long have you been standing there?"**_

"_**Long enough," Lily stated, "I don't appreciate the tone you are using with my son. It is inappropriate and it will not be tolerated.**_

_**Luke didn't know what to think of his mom being there. He was surprised that she had stood up for him, and at the same time… he let the thought trail off and shook his head. The system he had created on the table was now ruined thanks to Tiphani, and all he had wanted to do was make a good impression. Maybe Tiphani was right about him.**_

_**A hand on his shoulder alerted him to the fact that Noah was now by his side. They were the only ones in the room now, and those blue eyes were full of concern. "Don't pay attention to her," Noah soothed. "You're doing just fine, and I can help you get these back the way you had them. It won't be too hard if we do it together."**_

"_**Why don't you boys leave that until after lunch," Lily said returning to the room. Luke looked up and met his mother's gaze before glancing at Noah.**_

"_**I think lunch sounds like a good idea," Noah said smiling. "Would I be too hasty to assume we'd be celebrating something?" he winked, and Luke once again marveled at the relationship between his mother and Lily.**_

_**Lily waved her hand dismissively and shook her head. "No, that would be too easy. I am sorry that she gives Luke such a hard time though. Are you okay, honey?"**_

_**Luke stared at his mom for the longest time without saying a word. He could hardly believe that she was concerned for him...even after what he had done. He had stolen months of her life, and caused her to miss Ethan's birth. And she was asking him if he was okay? That, like everything else just didn't make sense to him.**_

"_**I was doing the best I could," He said frowning. "I…I'm sorry if I um caused any trouble."**_

_**Lily frowned and moved forward, as if she wanted to get closer to him. Something stopped her though and she adjusted the strap on her purse yet again. "So are you too ready to eat?"**_

"_**Can we meet you at the car?" Noah asked**_

"_**Yes, of course," Lily backed out of the room, flashing one more smile in Luke's direction before she was gone. Luke's eyes were on the door and it took Noah calling him twice before he realized he was being spoken to.**_

"_**What?" he said, trying to concentrate on Noah, though he couldn't get that frown out of his mind. **_

"_**Are you ready to have lunch with your mom? Will you be alright with her?"**_

"_**Are…are you mad at me?" he blurted ignoring Noah's question all together. He needed to know. He wanted to know so he could fix whatever he had done to put a sad look on Noah's face.**_

"_**No," Noah said, and Luke noted he sounded a little startled at the question. "I'm not upset with you in any way shape or form Luke."**_

"_**But you frowned…" He knew he sounded like a desperate kid but he couldn't help it. He didn't know what he would do if he lost Noah at this moment. The blue eyes were his only glimpse of sanity. "You were upset about something."**_

"_**I was glaring at Tiphani," Noah explained. "I didn't like her calling you names. And you shouldn't listen to her either okay. She's just mad because your mom won't let her get away with anything. Maddie and I have your back here, Luke, so no worries okay?"**_

"_**I don't know…what if I…"**_

"_**Just trust me, Luke," Noah squeezed his hand. "Can you try to do that?"**_

_**He could feel the beginnings of a headache coming on, but he wasn't going to focus on it. If he didn't give it power it wouldn't overtake him. At least he wanted to believe that. He closed his eyes for a second and took a few deep breaths, wanting to clear his head. He could do this…he could fight this and he could do what he had to do at work. He could do it all as long as he had his friend. Noah was really a lifesaver. **_

"_**I can try," he complied finally. "I'll try."**_

"_**Good," Noah said giving his hand one last squeeze. "Now let's go eat. I think your mom is buying today."**_

_**Luke didn't say much at lunch. He just sat and listened to his mom chat with Noah. They seemed to get along very well, and it reminded him of the old days. He used to get along with his mom like that too. They had once talked about everything…up until last year…when he had revealed his secret and caused a chain of events that he still couldn't fully understand.**_

_**The image of her falling backwards down the stairs was forever embedded in his memory. It was one of the things that haunted him while he was away. It was the thing that Damian reminded him of constantly…what his dad couldn't forgive him for. He couldn't even forgive himself; and yet here he sat beside her at lunch and he didn't know how to begin to make up for all he had done.**_

"_**Luke, Honey are you alright?" His mom sounded so…worried and it was beginning to get to him. He looked up from his plate and tried to read the dark eyes that were so much like his own. **_

"_**I'm sorry, Mom," he said lowering his head again.**_

"_**For what, sweetheart?"**_

"_**For making you fall," he looked back up deciding that he needed to say to her face. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Noah staring at him too and he swallowed. Now he really would lose his friend. "I…I know you probably hate me…for that, and that saying I'm sorry doesn't change what I did. But…but I am sorry."**_

_**He couldn't read the expression on either of their faces and he had to fight not to put his head back down. He wished he knew what they were thinking.**_

"_**I don't blame you for that."**_

_**He blinked and tilted his head to the side wondering if he had heard her correctly. "You…huh?" he asked. **_

"_**I don't blame you for the fall, Luke."**_

"_**You don't…but "**_

"_**In fact, I'm rather baffled that you think you caused it." Lily remarked a frown settling across her features. **_

_**The statement confused him more than anything else had in the past few weeks. It just didn't make sense. Of course he had pushed her…that was the whole reason why… His head was starting to hurt again but once more he ignored it. He wanted to finish this conversation…he was so confused. He looked over at Noah, pleading him silently for help. He was beginning to wonder if maybe he wasn't asking the right questions.**_

"_**Can you explain that, Lily?" Noah asked much to Luke's relief. **_

"_**I told you about the coma," Lily said directing her words at Noah, who nodded his assent. "I took a fall down the stairs at home…"  
**_

"_**During an argument with me," Luke added in sadly.**_

"_**Yes, that's right," Lily agreed her voice sad as she looked at her son. "But you didn't make me fall, baby. That was my own fault. I stepped backwards and lost my balance."**_

"_**That can't be right," Luke said shaking his head. He pushed his chair away from the table and was about to stand when his head exploded with pain. His hands went to his head and he felt someone catch him before he collapsed…and the world went black. **_

_**Noah replayed the scene over and over in his mind, but it still didn't quite make any sense. He didn't understand what had happened at the restaurant, any more then he could figure out why Luke had been on the floor that morning. A lot of things just weren't adding up and he wondered if there was more going on than anyone realized.**_

_**He thought about all of this as he watched Luke lay in the hospital bed. Lily had asked Noah to keep an eye on him while she contacted Holden and explained what happened. Luke was unconscious…just like that and Noah couldn't quite wrap his head around why. He thought about all the different times that Luke had been in pain recently. The last twenty four hours especially seemed very telling. Then he had to factor in the incident today. It seemed that Luke was freaked out by the fact that Lily didn't blame him for her fall. Why would that freak him out so much? It just didn't' seem to make sense. **_

12


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Luke was still out by the time Holden made it to the hospital. Noah stood when the older man entered the room, prepared to leave…to give him some privacy if he wished it.

"You can stay, Noah," Holden said even as he pulled a chair up by his son. "I want you to explain to me what happened today…if you can?"

Noah's expression was thoughtful as he tried to figure out what he could say to Luke's dad. How did he explain his suspicions without betraying Luke's trust? Actually he knew that logically he couldn't tell Holden much, because he truly didn't know anything. He decided he should just focus on the fundamental question. He could at least explain that.

"Luke had an adverse reaction to something Lily said," he frowned. "She was talking about falling down the stairs…last summer. Luke thinks that you and Lily blame him for that."

Holden frowned. "Part of that is probably my fault," he admitted with a sigh. "I didn't handle Lily falling very well, and I may have given off the impression that I did blame him for it. Even though I knew it wasn't his fault."

"I think it's more serious then that though," Noah said sadly. "I mean…if I can be frank, sir?" He waited for Holden's consent before he continued. "I don't think this is just Luke blaming himself for that. There's more to it."

"Such as what?" Holden asked curiously.

"If it were just him blaming himself, I don't think he would have been so freaked out at the restaurant. Lily told him it wasn't his fault and he said that couldn't be true. That's when he freaked, and he got another headache. I think that was his third one today."

"Did the doctors say they were going to run tests," Holden asked, glancing at his son's still form."

"Yes, Sir. I told them what I could about the headaches he's been having…he has them so often and it worries me."

"Me too." Holden looked away from his son, and focused on his boarder. "Thank you Noah. You really have been a big help. Even before Luke returned it was nice to have you in the house. Now I'm even more grateful that Lily offered to take you in. I don't know what we would have done these past few weeks without you here. You are the only one who can get through to Luke."

Noah shook his head and glanced at Luke himself. "I don't really think I've done much good, but I'd like to try," he admitted softly. "I am very grateful to you and Lily for allowing me to stay with you these past months. It's meant a great deal to me, and…" he trailed off for a moment, not really certain what he was trying to impart here. He certainly wasn't going to tell Holden that he was developing feelings for his son. He wasn't sure what the man would think of that…he wasn't quite certain what HE thought of that.

Luckily he didn't have to figure out what to say. At that moment the doctor came in the room and asked to speak with Holden. "I can get out if you need," Noah started, standing to leave the room.

"Noah has been helping take care of my son," Holden said his voice firm and leaving no room for argument. "I want him to hear what you have found please."

Noah eyed the doctor warily as the man consulted his notes. Doctor Hughes had said the man came highly recommended, but Noah didn't like doctors.

"We ran a complete battery of tests on Luke, Mr. Snyder and I am afraid our findings are a little unclear. "We weren't able to track down the cause for his headaches, but we did find that there has been considerable damage to his brain."

"What does that mean exactly?" the words flew from Noah's mouth before he could think about it. He looked to Holden for permission to continue before turning back to the doctor. "Where could this…damage have come from? What caused it?"

"That's what we intend to find out. I have a few questions for you if you don't mind," the doctor focused on Luke's dad, and Noah watched them both, hanging on every word.

"Ask me anything, Holden obliged. "I want to know what's wrong with my son, and what we need to do about it."

"Does Luke have a history of head trauma?" the doctor asked, and Noah noted that he was focused once more on his chart instead of on Holden.

"He's never had a concussion," Holden said with a shake of his head. "Luke's only problem health wise is his kidney…why do you ask?"

"There are definite signs of distress from the MRIs we took of Luke's brain," the doctor explained, still focusing on his notes. "There are signs of multiple head traumas and it would appear that he has suffered a few concussions…the latest being what brings him here today."

"But that makes no sense," Holden said with a sigh.

"Actually," Noah spoke up, frowning as he once more glanced at Luke. "He did hit his head this morning, on the nightstand…his head was hurting right then, but he said he didn't want any aspirin."

"That very well could have contributed to his condition," the doctor admitted. "We'd have to run more tests in order to know for sure what is causing Luke to have these episodes. Has your son ever been subjected to electrotherapy?"

"No, not ever," Holden said appalled at the question. Noah frowned, and focused on the doctor. Why would he ask that question?"

"Lily and Holden would never subject their son to something so horrible," Noah defended. "I may not have lived here long, but I don't doubt that they love Luke dearly. They wouldn't put him through something as dangerous as that."

"I am merely reporting what the tests have found," the doctor explained, finally looking up from his chart. His eyes settled on Luke and a thoughtful expression crossed his lips.

"I think we will know more when Luke wakes up…if he wakes."

"No," Noah shouted startling himself and the two men in the room. The doctor looked at him quizzically and he swallowed, trying to regain his bearings. "I…I mean no disrespect Dr. Hamilton," he said with a sigh. "Luke is going to wake up."

"What is your name," the doctor asked after a brief pause.

"Noah…Noah Mayer, sir."

"Well Noah, let's just hope you are right about your friend here. I would like to help him, and I sense that you want to as well."

A warm hand settled on Noah's shoulder and he looked up to see that Holden had moved to his side. He could tell that Luke's father was grateful, and that made him feel good inside. He only hoped he really could help Luke.

Noah listened as Dr. Hamilton explained other things to Holden, but he wasn't completely paying attention. He was trying to wrap his head around what the doctor had said…concussions? Electrotherapy? Was it possible that Luke had gone through those things? It didn't make much sense, but MRIS didn't lie. If there were signs of damage then they came from somewhere right?

It didn't make any sense though. There was a whole year of Luke's life that was a mystery to everyone…and he wanted to solve it. What happened in rehab? It seemed fairly obvious to Noah that Luke hadn't been happy there. At least that was what he gathered from the few talks he was able to have with his best friend. Luke was so closed down, so uncertain that sometimes talking to him was like pulling teeth. Noah didn't mind though, he liked spending time with Luke, and he would continue to do so for as long as he was allowed.

When Luke showed no signs of waking on Friday, the doctors ran more tests. More questions were asked and speculations were made. Luke was indeed suffering from some severe head trauma, which no one could even begin to explain. Noah took time off of work to stay by Luke's side and Maddie came to visit the hospital as well. She was horrified when Noah told her the doctor's diagnosis. She couldn't understand what it all meant…and Noah didn't know how to explain it to her.

When he wasn't by Luke's side Noah took it upon himself to start investigating. He wasn't sure what he was looking for just yet…but he needed to do something. Holden continued to say that Luke had never gone through Electrotherapy, yet all the tests seemed to say otherwise. Noah would sit in the waiting room googling for sites that might give him answers. He found general information about head trauma first. He figured that would probably be the best place to start. There were apparently many ways to cause damage to the brain. And that damage led to severe after effects. Noah didn't even want to think about those at the moment. He had to see what exactly he was dealing with first. The information he found clearly supported Doctor Hamilton's findings, and that worried him. A simple blow to the head could cause memory loss, personality changes and even something as severe as paralysis. Luke's problem wasn't as serious as that…but it was still pretty bad. Something was definitely wrong.

Holden was certain though, that his son had never taken a blow to the head. He had fallen, surely when he was a child but nothing serious. Dr. Hamilton was sure that these injuries were recent…something just wasn't adding up. Even if something had happened recently Holden would have known about it. If Luke had had any type of medical treatment…then his parents had to be told. Yet it was obvious that Lily and Holden both knew nothing. That alone didn't make sense to Noah. If the tests said Luke had suffered concussions and that there were signs of damage from electroshock therapy…then the real question was what happened while Luke was in Rehab?

It was definitely a question he was going to look into…but first Luke needed to wake up. Noah wasn't going to make any moves until Luke was okay and able to talk to him again. For the moment only family was allowed to see Luke, but Dr. Bob had given the ok for Noah to visit as well since he was living with them; and Holden had asked. Noah always stepped out of the room at those times, giving Holden and Lily their privacy as they begged their son to wake up. Luke's grandma, Lucinda was a frequent visitor as well. Noah thought she was a very classy lady and it was obvious that she was devoted to Luke. The rest of the Snyders and Maddie could only come as far as the waiting room. They weren't allowed inside. Neither was Damian...he was the one person Noah didn't want around Luke. He couldn't explain why…there was just this unhealthy vibe that made him uneasy. He didn't trust Damian around Luke…but there wasn't anything he could do about that.

"You aren't allowed in there," Noah said as Damian walked past him. He was taking notes from the site he had found on electrotherapy, but he stopped to focus on Luke's biological father. "You know what happened the last time."

Damian glared and Noah focused on his computer again, not really wanting a confrontation. Luke had not reacted well the one time Daman had managed to get into the room, and if Noah wasn't already wary of the man…that incident cinched it.

"What can I do for you, Mr. Grimaldi?" Dr Hamilton said as he came out of Luke's room.

"I want to see my son," Damian announced and Noah looked up from his computer screen once more to watch the scene play out.

"I don't think that's a good idea." The doctor asserted firmly. "Luke needs to relax and when you are around him it's obvious that he doesn't."

"Will you at least tell me…"

"You will have to take that up with his family, Mr. Grimaldi. Now if you'll excuse me."

Noah said his goodbyes to Dr. Hamilton and went back to working on his laptop.

"What do you know about my son's condition?"

Once more Noah looked up from what he was reading and looked squarely into Damian's eyes. Silence reigned and the tension was ripe and thick. Noah imagined that it would take a chainsaw to break through it. There was just something about this man, something he couldn't quite put his finger on…he didn't like it…he didn't like him and he wondered if he should let someone know that.

He looked back down at his computer, saving his documents before closing the top. He looked at Damian once more and stood up, placing the computer under his arm. "I don't trust you." He admitted simply before turning and walking toward Luke's room.

"You've been out for more than a week, you know/" he said as he took his normal spot beside Luke's bed. It was the seat Holden had just vacated after spending two hours talking to his son about anything and everything. "Your dad just left," Noah continued. "You're making him sad, Luke and I know that's not what you're trying to do. I'm sad too, because I realize more and more every day just how much I rely on my best friend. Maybe you don't feel like people need you here anymore. And maybe just maybe you think that you would be better off staying in that dark place you've gone to…but you won't Luke. You aren't better off because even if it were true that no one else wanted you here, I want you here. I want you to open those beautiful brown eyes with the green flecks and I want you to…"

He stopped as he realized what he had been about to say. The words didn't startle him as much as the sentiment behind them. Was it possible that his feelings for Luke were stronger than even he realized? "I want…I want you to come back to me, Luke," he whispered, reaching a hand out to couch Luke's still form. I know that sounds crazy, and I'm not even sure what it means exactly, but I know I need you. I meant it when I said I'd be lost without you. I am lost, Luke. So much so that it's like I don't even know how to do what needs to be done. I somehow manage to do what I did before…but it's not the same. My life was completely changed when you came home."

Instinctively his fingers touched Luke's hand, and he could hear the soft beeping of the machine that kept track of Luke's brainwaves. He welcomed the noise, taking it as a good sign, and he focused on Luke, his thumb lightly caressing his hand. "You've given me a reason Luke, a reason to believe in the good things…a reason to think that I can do something right. I already knew I wanted to make movies, and I know that your parents like having me around. But none of that matters as much as the fact that you need me, and I'm here for you Luke. Please wake up…let me be there for you like I want to."

His flow of words was stopped by the wave of emotion that overtook him in that moment. His head lowered, his forehead making contact with Luke's hand as he rode the wave. Noah couldn't remember ever feeling like this. No person had ever touched him so deeply, so completely. It was an overwhelming feeling, and he would figure it all out later, once he solved the mystery that was Luke.

6


	6. Chapter 6

_**Chapter 6**_

_**Whoever said silence was bliss never had to sit and watch someone they cared about drift away. Whoever thought it could be peaceful, never had to listen to the machines beeping in the distance. They never had to know that those beeps; the constant beep. Beep. were the only indication that someone was still alive. Whoever said silence was golden never wished and prayed to some higher power for that person to come back to them. Silence was not Noah's best friend. In fact…he hated it and he wished more than anything that he could hear something…anything but especially the sound of Luke's voice. That was all he wanted to hear. He didn't want silence.**_

"_**Noah?"**_

_**His name floated by his ear like a cloud, and at first he wasn't even sure he had heard it. He didn't dare look up, fearing that he was dreaming yet again. This wasn't the first time he had thought he heard his name.**_

"_**N…Noah," his name again, this time more uncertain and he knew…just knew it had to be real. The voice was soft, almost hoarse and a hand was reaching out to grasp him. There was something frantic about the grip and Noah raised his head and found himself staring into eyes that were a sweet mixture of green and brown. Those eyes were scared and a bit disoriented, but they were open and that alone put joy into Noah's heart. **_

_**Luke opened and closed his mouth, and frowned and Noah wondered what was going through the blond's head at the moment. He stood from his spot and walked over to the table to retrieve a swab and a cup of water.**_

"_**Noah?" Luke said. He tried to lick his lips, but his tongue was too dry to do any good. **_

"_**Don't try to talk," Noah said dipping the swab in the water as he had seen the nurse aides do multiple times. "You can't have anything to drink right now, but try this." He dabbed the sponge over Luke's lips. He had paid particular attention to this maneuver, knowing it was the only way at the moment to make sure Luke's mouth wasn't completely dry. **_

"_**Just stay still," he said softly when Luke opened his mouth to speak. "You can trust me Luke." Noah couldn't resist allowing his fingers to touch those soft lips just once. That simple contact sent a shiver up his spine that he tried to mask as he set the water on the table. He placed the swab inside Luke's mouth, but removed it quickly when Luke started to suck on it.**_

"_**Yuck," Luke said wrinkling his nose at the taste.**_

"_**The nurses said you probably wouldn't like the taste," Noah grinned.**_

_**At that moment Luke looked so vulnerable and Noah just wanted to hug him…but he didn't. Instead he took a seat beside him on the bed and waited to see if his friend would speak again.**_

"_**Thank you," Luke croaked, looking down at his hands for a moment. He seemed to be looking for something, though Noah wasn't sure what. Noah watched curiously as the Luke examined his fingers and his arms, fingering the IV for a moment before placing his hands on the sheet to lift it up. When the blond head bent to peer under the blanket Noah frowned. He couldn't even begin to guess what his friend was doing. His behavior was peculiar, but at the same time, Noah was too glad he was awake to care. He just filed the information away for later.**_

"_**I don't like hospitals," Luke said breaking the silence that had fallen in the room. After Luke's self-examination, Noah had pushed the call button to alert the doctor. He let Holden and Lily know Luke was awake as well…though he had to promise Luke he was coming back before he was allowed to leave his side. They ran new tests now that Luke was awake, and they hoped they would be able to get some answers soon. Luke was moved into his own private room and had already been seen by a handful of family members.**_

Noah was just about to respond to Luke's statement when there was a knock on the door. "Come in," he said, even as he looked at Luke to make sure he wanted visitors."

"Is it safe to come in," a dark head peeked into the room. "Is he awake?"

"Hi Maddie," Luke greeted wearily. Noah figured this would have to be a short visit. The drugs Luke was given would be kicking in soon.

"Welcome back to the waking world," Maddie said coming further into the room. She gave Luke a hug, and Noah noticed his hesitation before wrapping his arms around her. The whole scene seemed awkward to Noah and he couldn't quite put his finger on why. He just had the sense that Luke was closing down again…but maybe that was because he was tired.

"I'm sorry I missed so much work," Luke frowned.

"That's the last thing you need to worry about," Maddie said pulling away to look at him. "You look tired, but I am so glad you're here so I can talk to you again."

"How is everything at work," Noah piped up. He could tell by the look in Luke's eyes that he was a little out of sorts. "Is Tiphani still being a pain?"

"When isn't she a pain?" Maddie exclaimed, turning to talk to Noah. "All she does is gripe. She's wondering when you're coming back."

"Don't tell me I've kept you out of work too, Noah," Luke's words were a bit slurred, it was definitely time to cut this short.

"Its okay, Luke. I wanted to be here in case you woke up. I was worried about you."

"But…why," Luke asked, those brown eyes with the flecks of green facing him head on.

"Because you're my best friend. And that's what friend's do."

"You did Noah a favor, Luke," Maddie smiled softly. "He's a workaholic."

"I am not," Noah laughed as he turned on her. "I just never had a reason to take off."

"Until now," Maddie teased."

"Okay it's time for Luke to get some sleep," Noah said hoping that his friend hadn't caught Maddie's insinuation. "Now that he is in a regular room you can see him until he gets out of here."

"And when will that be?" Maddie asked as she gave Luke another hug. He heard Luke mumble some intelligible reply to the embrace before Maddie pulled away.

"We don't know yet, but when I know something I will let you know."

Noah gave Maddie a hug and she kissed his cheek before turning to leave.

"I'm counting on you to take care of him," she said turning to face him once more. "He seems to respond to you more than anyone else."

Noah nodded and waited until Maddie was gone before turning his attention to Luke. "Why am I so sleepy Noah? I just woke up didn't I?"

"They gave you some medicine for the pain," Noah explained even as he began the process of positioning Luke just right so he could sleep. "Just lie down and get some rest."

"Medicine?" Luke murmured. "I don't like medicine." His eyelids were heavy and Noah knew any moment now those hazel eyes would be sealed.

"You'll have to tell me about that another time," Noah whispered, rubbing his back. "Go to sleep okay?" Luke's even breathing was his only response and Noah settled down in the chair by his side. There was something very nice about watching Luke sleep...and knowing that in the morning he would wake up.

"I really don't like hospitals," Luke sighed, breaking the silence that seemed to swallow the hospital room. A few days had passed since Luke woke up, and just that morning Dr. Hamilton had ordered a final battery of tests, and it was no wonder that Luke was repeating the statement he had made when he first awakened.

"I don't think anyone likes hospitals, Luke," Noah commented softly. "It's no fun being sick."

"I was just in the hospital," Luke commented, a sad frown on his face. Noah recognized this as his "Lost in a moment" expression and he decided to see if he could persuade his friend to talk to him.

"_**You're in the hospital now," he said slowly. Luke turned to face him and Noah fought hard to stay focused on what he was talking about. It wasn't easy with those vulnerable eyes staring at him. "Is that what you mean? You've been here for two weeks."**_

"_**No," Luke said shaking his head. "I mean before this. I was just here…but not this hospital. Were you always here?" he asked changing the subject abruptly.**_

"_**When I could be," Noah answered, trying to pick his words and questions lightly. He wanted to know about this last time Luke was in the hospital. He wanted to ask why Luke had looked under the sheet, there were so many questions…but he had to be careful. Luke trusted him, he wanted to keep it that way.**_

"_**So you saw who came in and out of here right?" Luke continued his line of questioning. There was something about those eyes looking at him, that Noah found unsettling. Was that fear he saw in that gaze? It was hidden beneath a thin layer of some emotion Noah couldn't name but he knew it was there. What was Luke afraid of?**_

"_**Your parents were in here," Noah told him. "And your grandma. Dr. Hamilton was in and out, but that's pretty much it besides me and a few nurses."**_

"_**Are you sure," Luke asked his voice nearly inaudible. **_

"_**Well, your…Damian was in here once, but you didn't react well to him and he shouldn't have been in here anyway. He didn't come back though he tried."**_

"_**And that's it?" Luke asked, chewing on his lip nervously. **_

"_**What's wrong, Luke?" Noah asked, his own eyes looking around, as if he could find the source of what seemed to be frightening his friend. **_

"_**You…you're sure that there were no other people in here?" Luke asked again. Noah shook his head, even as he began to wonder if maybe he should get Dr. Hamilton…or Luke's parents.**_

"_**Luke, do you want me to get the doctor…"**_

"_**No," Luke said adamantly and the fear was no longer hidden. "Please Noah don't do that I…I just need you to listen to me. Please don't tell the doctor."**_

_**Noah was gravely concerned, but somehow he managed not to convey that on his face. He didn't want to make Luke think he couldn't trust him. He placed his hands on Luke's shoulders and impulsively pressed his forehead against the younger boy's. "You can trust me, Luke. Always remember that. I won't tell, but I need you to talk to me, okay."**_

_**Luke nodded and Noah moved away from him so he could watch him once more. Luke sat silently for a moment, and Noah knew he was trying to get his thoughts together. Noah had learned a lot about how to deal with Luke over the past few weeks. Now he was watching the mannerisms closely wanting to see if there were clues to what happened to him the previous year.**_

"_**When can I get out of here?" Luke asked, shifting uncomfortably in the bed. "I don't like hospitals."**_

"_**Will you rest for me?" Noah asked even as he fluffed Luke's pillows and straightened out Luke's blankets. "I'm sure you're exhausted." **_

"_**You can't leave me alone with them, Noah," Luke said his voice serious.**_

_**It was on the tip of Noah's tongue to inquire about "them," but he swallowed the question and instead offered a sad smile. "No one can get to you while I'm here."**_

"_**Thank you." Noah watched those eyes until they clouded over with sleep and the eyelids drifted closed. He heard a noise behind him and turned to see Luke's dad enter the room. Noah lifted his finger to his lips to signal that Luke was asleep. Holden nodded and gestured for Noah to come sit with him.**_

"_**I need to talk to you about something," Noah whispered, "but I don't want to go too far in case Luke wakes up."**_

"_**How is he doing?" Holden asked glancing at his son. **_

"_**He wants to get out of here?" Noah explained. "He doesn't like hospitals.**_

"_**Dr Hamilton and Dor. Hughes say he should be able to go home in a few days," Holden informed him. "They want him to take it easy while they figure out how to help him."**_

"_**Where's Lily. She should be here; I think Luke would like to see her."**_

_**Holden frowned. "She's talking to Damian."**_

"_**Oh," Noah sighed. He didn't want to think about Luke's other father right now.**_

"_**You don't like him do you."**_

_**It wasn't lost on Noah that Holden wasn't asking him a question. He looked at Luke's dad and decided it was time to be honest. "Forgive me if I overstep any boundaries sir, but I just don't trust him. He just rubs me the wrong way."**_

"_**I don't trust him either," Holden admitted. "But he is Luke's father. As long as Luke wants him here, I have to put up with him. **_

_**Noah shook his head. "With all due respect sir, you are Luke's father. You are the one he wants on his side, and the one he misses so much. You are the one he needs to please. You are the one he needs, Holden. Biology is just a science it takes more than that to make someone a dad."**_

"_**Thank you, Noah. I really appreciate that. Damian is the one who convinced Luke to get help for his drinking, though. So I suppose I have to give him points for that."**_

"_**It was Damian's idea to send him to rehab?" Noah asked surprised. That wasn't the way he had heard it from Luke.**_

"_**Actually, according to Damian, Luke decided to go on his own," Holden said shaking his head. Damian just helped steer him in the right direction. I didn't believe him, but he showed us the papers with Luke's signature."**_

_**The wheels were turning in Noah's head. He wanted to say something but could he without any information to back it up? Would Holden even believe him, considering Luke's state of mind right now? ""Someone's not telling the truth here," he said meeting Holden's' gaze head on. **_

"_**Can you tell me why you don't trust Damian, Noah?"**_

"_**Luke has a lot of anger towards him," Noah explained. This isn't the first time Luke has reacted badly to Damian's presence. There was always this brush of pure anger…I think his headaches may be connected to his emotions. I was reading up on that while you and Lily visited with him. The stronger the emotion, the more intense the headache."**_

"_**That's an interesting theory," Holden agreed. Noah could tell that Luke's father was starting to think about things too. "But why are Luke's feelings causing him headaches."**_

"_**I think he's repressing them," Noah said thoughtfully. "I can get Luke to open up sometimes…but then he reaches a certain point and he closes himself off again. It's almost like he doesn't want to feel anything, and so when he does it hurts him."**_

"_**I'm not very fond of that idea, Noah." Holden said seriously.**_

"_**Neither am I and I'm sorry sir. It's just that a lot of things aren't adding up, and I just feel like I need to get to the bottom of this."**_

"_**You really care about him, don't you?"**_

"_**What?" Noah asked the question catching him off guard.**_

"_**Luke," Holden said nodding in his son's direction. "You really care about him?"**_

_**Yes, more then you'll ever know. "Yes, sir, he's very important to me."**_

_**He was relieved when Holden just smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder giving it a squeeze. "Thank you for being so good to him."**_

"_**You don't have to thank me for that, sir" he turned towards Luke and smiled. "It's my pleasure."**_

6


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

He was floating in air without a care in the world. Darkness surrounded him, but for once it didn't scare him. This darkness was almost peaceful…serene and it felt…it felt nice. There was something safe about the inky night that engulfed him and he wondered why anyone would want to leave it. He could hear things in the distances; voices, sounds…some faint, some loud. He closed his ears to the noise, shutting out the world…leaving life behind for the moment. He just wanted to enjoy the silence.

He reveled in the darkness. There was no pain here…no punishments no conflict. He wasn't confused, and he wasn't scared. He could get used to this. There weren't people looking over his shoulder here. And no blaring signs of danger…here he didn't have to think and he had no reason to be sad. There were no expectations here…no fear of disappointment…here he was alone. That part he didn't like.

The voices wouldn't let him be. They were persistent, intruding on his quiet when he least expected them too. He could pick and choose what he heard…like flipping the dial on a radio. As much as the silence was peaceful, he was curious about the voices and the sounds.

"_I'm just not understanding how these tests can be conclusive…"_ That voice sounded familiar…he gravitated towards it, wanting to hear more…needing clarification, but not wanting to get too close. _"My son was in Alcohol Rehab for a year," the voice continued. "What rehab facility do you know of that would use electroshock therapy?"_

He backed away from the voice, confusion settling in as he mulled over what he had just heard. That was his dad…an honest man…who would never lie…was he telling a lie right then? NO, it didn't make sense…why would his dad tell the doctors he was in Rehab unless… He didn't want to think about it anymore, he just wanted to escape into the inky blackness…he wanted to be left alone.

Time stood still in the black…it had no definition, no point of beginning or ending. It just was. He measured time by the voices…and how they made him feel. His mom's voice made him sad. He longed to go to her…yet he felt that she didn't want him to be there. There was a longing in his soul and it hurt…pain found him when he heard his mother and he wished it would let him stay lost.

There was confusion when he heard his dad…mixed with something else…something tangible. He sensed that the voice cared…but he didn't understand. He couldn't return to the confusion…didn't want to be drawn to this voice. He was afraid that getting to close would cause pain…he wasn't sure why he felt that way.

"I'm very proud of you son." the familiarly accented voice reached his ears. The voice sent shockwaves through him, even as he recognized it. The image of an old fashioned radio flashed into his head. He wanted to turn the dial, change the channel. "I knew you would stick with the foundation, and now you will become the man I know you were born to be. I knew you could do it, Luciano. You are a Grimaldi through and through and you will do our family name proud. When you get out of here Luciano, I will take you to live with me; it is where you belong."

Panic found him…and fear like he had never felt before. He stopped floating…and the sounds became louder….the voices closer. He frantically sought to shut it out, turn the dial, switch it off…  
*flash*  
_Damian stopped the car and Luke didn't move. He was looking at the building that would be his home for the next few months. Damian pulled him out of the car and practically dragged him to the front door of the foundation. _

Luke could feel his heart pounding, and an alarm sounded as images began to flood his brain.

*Flash*  
_Dr. Ross Kreeger stood in front of the room, his smiling face staring out at the boys in the therapy group. His eyes were focused on Luke as he spoke about the virtues of the program. "You WILL become the men you were meant to be." _

"Damien, what are you doing here? What did you do to him?" Holden's voice? When had his father been there?

*Flash*  
_A single sheet of paper that decides his future; Holden's signature stands out on the bottom and Luke feels like he's just been stabbed in the heart multiple times.  
_  
Suddenly, a roaring in his ears competed with the blaring of the alarms. Over it all he could hear a male voice shout, "His blood pressure is spiking!"

"What is wrong with him?" Damian yelled. 

*Flash*  
_He screamed as Adam's whip sliced through his back. He had lost count of how many times he had been hit. He wished he could just pass out from the pain, or better yet, just die. The whip sliced his skin again and he vomited.  
_  
"I think you all should leave. Get them out of here!" Dr. Bob's voice rang out.

*Flash*

_The monitors continued screaming. Luke writhed and shook, his head moving from side to side…his body shivering as beads of sweat appeared on his forehead. He just wanted to get away…as far away as he could, away from that voice…the words, the thoughts, the pain... the pain plunged once more from his back, knifing through his entire body. He just wanted to be gone. "We're losing him!" one of the nurses yelled, "He's crashing!"_

"I need a sedative in here, STAT!" Dr. Bob snapped. "I told you to go Damian, Holden! Get out now!"

Luke felt the drug enter his veins like ice water and he started to slip backwards, back into the darkness. But the pain…and the blaring alarms refused to let him go.

"He's not responding! Give me ten more CC's..."

The voice drew him closer to the surface. One voice, soft and deep kept him in focus. No radio dials necessary, it was like an inner calling…and part of him wanted to answer. This voice confused him as well…but somehow he thought he understood.

"…Maybe you don't feel like people need you here anymore. And maybe, just maybe you think that you would be better off staying in that dark place you've gone to…"

He drew closer to the voice…this one seemed to understand. It seemed to get what he was feeling and that was a comfort. Confusion circled him, yet still he wanted to listen…he didn't want to switch the dial again.

"…You aren't better off because even if it were true that no one else wanted you here, I want you here."

It was as if the voice bore right into his soul. How was it possible to seem so close yet so far? He wanted to reach out to that voice…but there was fear up there right beneath the surface, he didn't know if he could muddle through…did he want to muddle through?

"…I meant it when I said I'd be lost without you. I am lost, Luke. So much so that it's like I don't even know how to do what needs to be done. I somehow manage to do what I did before…but it's not the same. My life was completely changed when you came home."

Luke drifted closer still…heading towards the surface. He was hesitant, not sure why he was being pulled by these words. He liked them…he wanted to be needed, yet he didn't understand how he could be. How it possible…this voice, this presence was needed him? That made no sense…but still he drifted…floating ever closer.

"…You've given me a reason, Luke…"

He started to wonder if this was a good idea. He had an urge to turn and run from this…to avoid the pain that would surely come…but he couldn't. He wanted to be someone's reason…he wanted to be important and this voice understood. He didn't know if he could trust it…could this voice…this person keep him safe?

"…I already knew I wanted to make movies, and I know that your parents like having me around. But none of that matters as much as the fact that you need me, and I'm here for you Luke. Please wake up…let me be there for you like I want to."

Want…that was the magic word. He allowed himself to drift back through the sadness…the confusion and the pain. He embraced the words…embraced his body…his soul. He had heard what he needed to hear and for the moment he would keep uncertainty at bay.

Luke awoke to relative silence, the now familiar beeping of the monitors the only noise. Almost the only noise. A steady, soft, low rumbling came from nearby. Luke could feel something warm against his right hand. He opened his eyes, and saw Noah, snoring softly, his head on the bed, both of hands wrapped around Luke's hand.

"Noah?" Luke tried, but the word seemed stuck in his throat, like he'd been gargling with gravel. "N-Noah"

His mouth fell open when Noah moved and soon Luke was staring into deep blue eyes. There were feelings in his head as he sat there reveling in that gaze. In his mind's eye he could see the bookshelf that represented his mind. It seemed that every emotion with a name had found its way to the floor, scattered about as if by the wind. The mess was disconcerting and he didn't really know how to deal with it. He was being drawn into that gaze, and it frightened him. He was curious too…intrigued by the depth of the intensity he felt there. There were hints of happiness and Joy, emotions he hadn't touched in a very long time; and he wasn't sure if he could tap into them now. Those sapphire gems continued to pull him deeper and deeper until he broke contact. He closed his mouth and frowned, no longer sure what to think about what was going on.

He watched curiously as Noah stood and went over to a table. There was a cup of water there and something that looked like a sponge on a stick. He wondered what Noah planned to do with that. "Noah," he said wanting to communicate that his lips were dry. He tried licking them, but that only seemed to make it worse.

"Don't try to talk," Noah instructed as he dipped the sponge thing into the water. "You can't have anything to drink right now," he explained. "But try this." The sponge touched his lips, wetting them swiftly and efficiently. He opened his mouth, intending to speak again but Noah asked him to stay still.

"You can trust me, Luke," and Luke knew even as Noah's fingers touched his lips that he could indeed trust his friend. Yet, He didn't know what to think about the tingle he felt at that touch, or the look he saw cross Noah's face before he turned away. Luke parted his lips slightly as he watched Noah place the cup back on the table. Luke welcomed the cool, wet swab in his mouth, and tried to suck on it momentarily.

"Yuck," he said wrinkling his nose.

"The nurse said you wouldn't like the taste," Noah said a grin crossing his features. It was a nice smile…and it made him want to smile too, and that confused him.

"Thank you." Luke's voice cracked as Noah took a seat beside him and he turned his attention to his hands.

He lifted his hands up so he could examine them better. He opened and closed them and examined every finger until he was satisfied that everything was okay. He traced the dent on his ring finger, where his signet ring had been. He frowned, wondering momentarily where it was and if he would get it back. He needed that if he was going to be what they wanted him to be. The ring was part of the image, the face he had to display in order for his family to love him. That was all he was looking for really…for them to accept him again. Could he be who they wanted him to be now? Would things be better with his mom, or would she still be sad? Maybe it was too late…maybe he had failed and that was why the ring was gone. He needed to try harder to do what was necessary…if only he could figure out what he was doing wrong.

He traced a finger up his arm, looking for any signs of bruising, swelling and sore spots. Had they been able to find a vein this time when they drew his blood? He wondered; thinking about the last time…the nurse had tried several times before finally finding a vein. That didn't seem to be a problem here though. Next he touched the IV as if it were the most fascinating thing, and briefly watched the liquid flow through the tube

After a quick examination of his other arm his hands fell to the blankets and he gripped them tightly and lowered his head again. Minutes passed before he lifted up the blankets. There was less light here, but he had to be certain that nothing had happened to him this time. He wanted to be sure, and he wondered if he should ask Noah…he had said he could trust him…right?

He lifted the blanket and felt around, wincing when he reached his genitals. He was expecting pain. And was surprised to find none. He tried not to focus on it too much because he knew Noah was watching him. He lifted his head and lowered his sheet and nodded when Noah asked him if he was done.

"You have to call the doctor?" Luke asked even as Noah reached for the call button. Noah had already explained to him that he needed to tell someone that he was awake. He just wasn't looking forward to it.

"I promised to let someone know you were awake," Noah explained. "They just want to check you out Luke, I'm sure it will be alright."

Luke didn't know how to explain to him that this was the problem. He didn't want to get checked out. He just wanted to be left alone. He wasn't even sure how he had ended up in the hospital this time. It was another question he'd have to ask Noah.

"It's good to see you awake, Luke," he heard the doctor say as he entered the room. He glanced over at Noah in confusion. He didn't recognize this doctor. Where was Doctor Hughes?"

"That's Dr. Hamilton," Noah explained, even as he left Luke's side. "He's the specialist Dr. Hughes asked to help with your case."

Luke frowned, but focused on the man who had spoken to him.

"Noah, will you let Luke's parents know he is awake while I examine him please."

"NO," Luke cried out before Noah could answer. "Don't make him go…please."

"Luke I'm just going to be in the hallway, your parents are right in the waiting room."

"But…"

"No buts,' Noah said gently. "I'll be back, I promise. You won't even know I was gone. Dr. Hamilton will take good care of you, and Dr. Hughes will be in soon. Okay?"

"Okay," he said reluctantly. He watched Noah leave the room and then eyed the doctor warily. Noah seemed to trust him, but Luke could never be too sure. The doctor smiled at him and looked down at his chart. Luke wondered what that chart said about him. "Can you tell me what happened?" he asked, trying to get the doctor's attention.

"That's what we were hoping you could tell us, Luke," Dr. Hamilton explained, making eye contact with him. "I'm glad to see that you are awake and talking though. That is a good sign."

"I don't…understand," Luke said frowning again. "That's a good sign of what?"

"Do you know why you are here, Luke?" Dr. Hamilton asked, just as Dr. Hughes reentered the room, with Noah right behind him. Luke could see his dad and his mom in the distances as well.

"I'm not sure," he said in response to the question. "Noah hasn't explained it to me yet."

"Do you remember what happened before you were in here?" Dr. Hughes asked as he came closer to the bed.

Luke looked towards the door, wishing that Noah would come closer. He would know all the answers. "I'm…I'm not sure," he said slowly. "I…think we were at work and…we were going to have lunch." He frowned, trying to concentrate on the memory but there was nothing but darkness there. He could see him and Noah leaving the studio but everything after that he couldn't recall. "I don't remember," he said beginning to panic. "Noah I don't remember why I'm here. What's wrong with me?"

"Luke you need to breathe," he heard Noah say even as he saw him come closer to the bed. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the two doctors' step back, but his attention was focused solely on Noah as he tried to do what he asked.

"I don't remember what happened…when? Yesterday? It was yesterday right?"

"No, Luke," Noah said. Luke didn't know why he sounded so sad. "You were unconscious for over a week."

"Over a week? But I don't even know why I'm here Noah!"

"I'll explain it all to you…later okay?" Noah assured him. "The doctors need to examine you so they can figure out why you don't remember."

"I don't even know what time of day it is?" Luke said frowning. "Is it night time or daytime? Do I have to take tests tonight?"

"Shouldn't you let him get some sleep before some of those tests," Noah asked curiously. I mean it is late now…and he hasn't really slept."

"I think Noah's right, Bob," Holden spoke up. "Maybe we should let Luke sleep?"

Luke listened to them all speaking as if he wasn't even there. His head was tilted to the side as he watched the two doctors' converse, whispering in that secret doctor code.

"Tomorrow will be test day then," Dr. Hamilton spoke breaking the silence.

"He'll need a shower," Dr. Hughes added. "His hair needs to be clean for the EEG…." They said more words but he tuned them out. They weren't talking to him anymore anyway. Just about him…and he was used to that. They always talked about him….never to him.

"You're upsetting him," he heard Noah say. "If you have something to say you should say it to him, especially since he can hear you."

Luke felt a strange sense of pleasure that Noah was defending him. He didn't' quite understand it, but it felt nice. Everyone cleared out of the room after that, and he could hear Noah talking to him, but it almost sounded like his friend was in a tunnel.

"Luke? Are you okay?"

He blinked and turned to see Noah frowning at him. "What?" he asked as he tried to figure out what he has missed of the conversation.

"I was just saying good night," Noah repeated.

"Are you leaving?" Luke asked yawning.

"NO, I'm going to sit here and watch you sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. You need your rest."

"Good night, Noah," he said his eyes growing heavy as he spoke.

He jumped when the hand touched his shoulder, but he didn't open his eyes. "Sorry buddy, I didn't mean to startle you," a voice reached his ears...it was his dad he was certain of that. "It's time to wake up; we need to get you ready for your tests."

"Hi Mr. Snyder," Noah's voice met his ears. He sounded tired; Luke wondered if he had sat up all night. "Is it morning already?"

Luke closed his eyes tighter as he waited for his dad to answer the question. He didn't want it to be morning. He didn't want to take any tests.

"Have you gotten any sleep, Noah?" his father asked. "Maybe you can rest today while Luke takes his tests." Luke frowned. He didn't want Noah to be tired, but how could Noah be with him if he was sleeping? Were they trying to take Noah away from him too? Would they turn Noah against him just like they had turned Adam?

He cringed and opened his eyes. Holden and Noah were still talking. He wondered which one of them would realize first that he was awake.

"Luke, you're awake," Noah said a smile alighting his lips. That smile bewildered Luke. Would he ever understand his best friend? Could he really be that happy to see him?

"Hi Noah," he said speaking slowly. It's morning?"

"Yes," Noah told him; though it didn't go unnoticed that Luke hadn't said anything to Holden. That fact put Noah on alert. "Your dad is here to take you for a shower, and the nurse should be in too...Luke what's wrong?"

Luke had sat up so fast that it sent a wave of dizziness through him but he shook his head as if he needed to get a point across immediately. Did Noah really want him to go with his dad? He frowned. Should that idea upset him this much?

"I don't need a shower," he said crossing his arms stubbornly.

"But you need to," Noah said gently. "Your hair has to be clean for the tests, and your dad will be with you, you will be safe with him."

Luke didn't look convinced and he eyed his dad warily. Noah sighed; he was beginning to realize just how bad this was. For whatever reason, his friend did not trust Holden. Noah just couldn't begin to grasp why.

"Give me a few minutes with him, please," Noah said turning to face Holden. Holden looked sad but he nodded and turned to leave the room. Noah sighed and turned back to Luke. "Okay he's gone now. Can you tell me what's wrong?"

"I don't want to go with him." Luke said simply as if it were the most logical response. He frowned, and hugged himself tighter.

"You don't want to go with your dad?" Noah asked. "He's not going to hurt you, you know that right?"

Luke lowered his head, finding himself unable to meet that intense gaze head on. He shook his head. "I don't know how to explain it," he admitted. "I'm just so confused."

"Can you try to explain it to me?" Noah asked keeping his tone gentle. He wanted to help, but he could only do that if Luke would talk to him.

"You won't think its crazy will you? I'm not Crazy, Noah."

"I don't think you're crazy, Luke," Noah assured him. "NO one here thinks you are crazy...just tell me what's going on, please. Trust me."

Silence reigned for a long time and Noah began to wonder if he would have to try a different approach. He was just about to corner Luke with another question when his friend spoke up.

"I…I don't think I can trust him."

"Of course you can," Noah said not missing a beat. He sat on the bed beside Luke and lifted his chin up so he couldn't ignore him anymore. "Your dad loves you, and he only wants what is best for you…"

"Then why did he sign the paper?" Luke exclaimed.

"What paper," Noah asked bewildered. He wasn't sure what Luke was talking about.

"He gave them permission to do those things…he sent me away because he didn't want me. How can I trust him?"

Noah was confused. Holden had said that Luke chose to go to rehab on his own. This wasn't the first time that Luke claimed that Holden sent him away. He had to think of something. Luke really needed to have those tests… "Will you answer a question for me?" he asked placing a hand on Luke's shoulder.

"Okay," Luke agreed after a moment's pause.

He squeezed Luke's shoulder and tried to figure out the best way to ask. He knew he had to be careful with Luke; he didn't want Luke to think he didn't believe him. "Your dad said this was your decision, Luke. He aid you decided to go to rehab on your own and in order for you to do that he needed to sign the contract for you to be admitted as a live in patient. What did they do at this rehab facility to make you believe your family doesn't love you? I'm fairly certain that's not the way rehabs usually work. They're supposed to teach you how to stand on your own, but to lean on your family in times of need. Is this not what you learned at rehab?"

"But Noah," Luke said frowning at his best friend. "I wasn't in Rehab. I didn't learn anything like that in…this place…I wasn't in rehab."

"If you weren't in rehab then where were you?" Noah asked gently. "Your parents were told that you decided to check yourself into rehab, so that you could get help for your drinking.

"That…that doesn't make sense, Noah," Luke said frowning. "I…I didn't decide to go anywhere. I was convinced I should go." His frown deepened as he tried to grasp the memory that was just out of reach. "He said my dad wanted him to…" He let the thought trail off because he knew he wasn't making much sense. "He said my dad wanted me to go, Noah that's why I went. And it wasn't rehab."

Noah sighed. He didn't like where this was going, though it made sense to him somehow. "But I don't understand, Luke. Your parents were told by Damien that you wanted to get help, and felt that rehab was the best place for you." Even as he said the words he thought about what Luke had just admitted. Luke was convinced that he had to go away? He was told that Lily and Holden didn't want him there…who would tell him such things? Noah knew the answer immediately, but he couldn't just confront the man…not without proof. And unfortunately Luke's word wouldn't be enough.

"Luke," He said squeezing his friend's shoulder again. "Damien brought the form for Holden to sign. Your dad said that signing that form, knowing that you were in such a state in your life that you felt rehab was the only place you could get help, was one of the hardest things he ever did. And then when you were gone for so long he felt like you might never come home."

He felt like this conversation was going nowhere. He wanted to believe what Noah was telling him. Could it be true that his dad had missed him…that maybe just maybe he wanted him? Was that too much to hope for?"

"Are you sure?" he asked grasping at the thread Noah was dangling before him.

"Absolutely positive," Noah replied. Holden even commented a few weeks before they found out you were coming home that if he didn't' hear something from you soon, he was coming for you personally."

"He couldn't have," Luke said slowly, a frown settling across his features again. "That doesn't make sense, Noah. I wasn't supposed to come home. They let me go…after I was in the hospital. No one knew I was coming…I don't think they even knew I was in the hospital."

Noah's hands touched his cheeks, and Luke found himself staring into those blue depths once more. The gaze was intense, and he had to keep himself from getting lost in it. "Trust me."

Luke held his breath as he allowed his dad to help him shower. He wondered what the older man thought about the scars and the bruises that lined his back. Would they make him squirm and feel guilty? Would they cause him to ask questions that Luke didn't really have answers for? He was surprised when his father didn't ask any questions. He just gently washed over the scars, pausing every few moments as he did so, and helped Luke wash his hair. The shower was over in no time, and Luke was being wheeled back to his room where Noah was waiting…both Dr. Hughes and Dr. Hamilton were there as well.

His eyes bulged at the sight of all the electrodes they would be using on him. He hated those things, and he didn't really want to put them on. He shook his head as Noah and Holden helped him back into bed. "No," he said pointing at the electrodes. "I am not doing this; you can't make me do it. I don't want those things anywhere near me."

"It will be alright Luke," Dr Hamilton's voice met his ears. "We're just going to put the electrodes on your scalp."

"No," Luke yelled. "Get away from me. I don't want to do this and you can't make me do it. Just keep those things away."

"Luke," Noah said placing a hand on his shoulder. "Calm down. Come on, you need to breathe."

"I don't want those things near me…I don't like them, Noah."

"Luke…the doctors need to find out what happened to you, so they need to do these tests. Will it help if I hold your hand?"

"NO," Luke snapped. "I don't want to do it. Those things are horrible. I thought you were on my side. You are supposed to be my best friend." He frowned, he had said that once before, but to someone else with blue eyes. He shrugged Noah's hand away and glared at him. He felt a dull ache, but didn't have a name for the emotion. Had he been wrong about Noah?

Noah was speaking in the distance, but he couldn't quite make out what he said. He was lost in his own tormented thoughts, and he winced when a hand once again touched his shoulder.

"I told you, you could trust me right?"

Luke focused back in on the presence and was surprised to see that the room was empty of all occupants except him and Noah. He blinked and tried to clear his thoughts before ducking away from that gaze. He didn't understand why those eyes bothered him but intrigued him all at once. He opened his mouth to speak but words wouldn't come so he settled for a nod.

"And you know I would never tell you to do something that wasn't good for you…right?"

"I hate those things," he said shuddering as he thought of all those little electrodes. "They stick them everywhere and then send electric shocks through…" He stopped talking as he realized he was saying way too much. "I just don't want to do it," he said glumly.

"Luke."

He looked up at the sound of his name and saw the questions even before Noah voiced them. He swallowed and wished he could look away…but the gaze was magnetic and it was as if he had been cast under a spell.

"How many times have you been shocked with electricity?" Noah asked his voice controlled.

Luke shuddered and shrugged his shoulders. He had lost count of how many times it had happened. He frowned, knowing Noah would want a number…he wished he could give him one.

"Okay…don't answer that," Noah sounded frustrated and Luke's frown deepened. "Can you tell me why? Why were you being shocked with electricity?"

"It was part of the treatment," Luke said matter-of-factly.

"You didn't like the treatments…did you?" Noah said frowning. Luke titled his head to the side, trying to read his friend's eyes but he couldn't tell what Noah was thinking.

"They hurt."

"How can I help make this easier for you, Luke?" Noah asked gently. "We need these tests to figure out what happened and what's causing these headaches and the blackouts too."

"So these are tests…and…not treatments?" Luke asked slowly.

"No more treatments. The doctors want to help," Noah assured him. "I want to help and I'm going to be here for this test, okay? "

Luke visibly relaxed and nodded. He could handle this if Noah was there to hold his hand. It wasn't a treatment…no more treatments. This was simply a test and Noah wouldn't send him to do something that would harm him. He took a deep breath and squeezed Noah's hand for comfort. "Okay…I'm…I'm ready."

"Can you explain it to me?" Luke asked as he watched the doctors around him. They were preparing the electrodes, and there was a third guy in the room mixing what looked like paste. "What are they doing?"

"Well the technician has to measure your head first," Noah explained as the process began. He has to mark on your scalp where the electrodes are going to go. He is putting some kind of cream there too…I guess so that the electrodes will stick."

"Oh." Luke said as he felt the fingers in his hair."

"They are attaching twenty five electrodes now, and they are going to press on your scalp a bit to make sure they are connected right."

"Why so many," Luke asked frowning as the technician applied the electrodes just right.

"I think they want to get as clear a reading as they can," Noah replied. "When they are finished applying they are going to ask you to relax and close your eyes. You won't see me but I will be here. I can't hold your hand for the whole test…okay. They need to have your complete focus first."

"But you'll still be in the room right," Luke said getting worried.

"They are going to tell you to close your eyes for most of this…but when they let you open them Luke you will see me. I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay," Luke agreed.

"Okay, Luke I need you to close your eyes so we can begin," the technician instructed. Luke looked at Noah who nodded, before he closed his eyes tightly. His body tensed and he held his breath as he waited for the test to start.

"Luke," Noah's voice reached his ears. "Relax." Noah's voice was soothing and he listened to it willingly. His shoulders relaxed first as the tension left his body. Soon all he could hear was the steady beeping of the machine. There was no pain…trusting Noah had been the right choice to make.

He wasn't sure how much time passed before the electrodes were being taken out of his hair. Noah was standing off to the side watching the technician, who was speaking in tongues for as much as Luke could comprehend.

"We'll have to take you down to radiology for the other tests, Luke," Dr Hughes spoke up once the Tech left the room. The doctor's voice was surprisingly gentle and it put Luke at ease, though he didn't really want to take more tests.

"I…I don't suppose I have much of a choice do I" he asked reluctantly.

"It will be okay, Luke," Noah said returning to his side. He took Luke's hand in his own and gave it an encouraging squeeze. "I'll be right here when you come back. Your mom and dad will be here too. And Alison is going to help the doctors. You remember Alison right?"

"You're not coming?" He asked focusing on what Noah said first. "I don't want to take the tests if you can't come."

Noah came closer and touched his face. He felt a tingling sensation as those fingers brushed his cheeks and he found it hard not to look into those blue eyes. "Trust me."

Luke was silent as they wheeled him down the hall. He looked straight ahead and listened to the noises in the hospital. His hands were folded on his lap and Noah's words were foremost in his thoughts. He trusted his best friend, and he knew Noah wouldn't send him somewhere dangerous. He didn't like being far away from him though. That was why he wanted Noah to come. Right now he seemed so far away and everything was bearable when Noah was there.

Noah couldn't be there however, and he would have to do this on his own. It wouldn't be too bad, he tried to reason that much. The first test had been simple and painless…and these were tests, just tests.

Dr. Bob explained that they were trying to figure out what was causing his headaches, and also find a key to his missing memories. The next test was the MRI scan, which meant that he would have to lie still inside the magnetic machine. Luke was only partially listening to what the doctor said. He was trying to keep his breathing controlled as they neared the room where the MRI would be performed. He wasn't looking forward to being encased inside the machine…it was dark in there, and closed in...He didn't think he could take it.

"Alright Luke, I need you to lie down on the table here," Dr, Hughes instructed. Luke did as he was told, and tried to be as still as he could be. He knew this was an important part of this test…he couldn't move.

He was fine until the table started its descent into the darkness. Even before he started entering the tunnel he was shaking and his breathing grew erratic. The table stopped moving but Luke couldn't turn off his reactions to the dark. He tried to move, until he felt a gentle hand on his arm.

"Easy Luke," a familiar female voice soothed as she rubbed his arm with something wet.

"A...Ali?" he asked.

"Yes it's me," Alison replied smiling even though her friend couldn't see her. "I'm going to give you something to help relax you okay? I know you don't like the dark, but the lab technician and the doctor are going to be talking to you the whole time…you won't be alone."

He felt the prick of the needle and within minutes he was calmer, and his breathing returned to a normal rate. Before he could react he was surrounded by darkness, and he remained as still as he possibly could while the machine made loud clicking noises. The lab technician talked to him throughout the entire exam, asking him to breathe and letting him know that they would be done with the test soon.

He barely had time to relax after the MRI before they were preparing him for the next test.

"You're doing great, Luke," Alison told him as she started his IV.

"Is it almost over?" Luke said groggily.

"You have to get a CT scan now and then you should be able to go back to your room after that." Alison explained. She made sure Luke was positioned properly on the table, and that the contrast was flowing through the IV. "Now stay still."

That was easier said than done. Even in his groggy state he could feel the panic coming as his head neared the tunnel. He took a deep breath and tried to stay still. A strange sense of peace settled over him, allowing him to relax. He breathed when he was told to, and he couldn't move which suit the doctor's purposes just fine.

Just as he had promised, Noah was waiting for him in his room. Seeing him put Luke at ease at once, not that he could explain why Noah had this affect on him. His parents were there as well, but their presence made him a little uneasy. He couldn't quite explain that either.

"Okay, Luke, are you up for one more test?" the doctor asked him. His foggy mind thought it was a really silly question. If he had said no, would they have nixed the test? "You need to lie on your side for this test, Luke. Put yourself in the fetal position…yes just like that. Okay the anesthesiologist is going to numb your lower spine…you'll feel a sting. And then we will perform the test."

"Can Noah at least hold my hand for this one?" Luke asked sadly.

"I don't see why not," Dr. Hughes gestured for Noah to come stand by Luke's side. He held on to Noah's hand tightly and shut his eyes, prepared for the pain that was to come.

"Relax Luke," Noah's voice soothes. "They need you to relax, and not move for this one…okay?"

"Needed to relax for all of them," Luke tried to tell him, his words slurring as he spoke. His eyes closed tighter when he felt the pressure of the needle against his spine, and he suddenly felt like he would pass out from the pain.

"Luke," Noah's voice reached his ears. "The doctor wants you to lie on your back."

He felt disoriented. Was the test over? Had he missed conversation again? "Sit…up?" he asked. He had been flat on his back for hours now…the last thing he wanted was to lie down.

"Maybe the doctor will raise your bed a little…but you have to lie flat," Noah explained

"But the back is what hurts," he complained even as he allowed Noah to help him onto his back. He winced and folded his arms, quickly masking his emotions as he looked at his parents who were standing a few feet away from the door. Their presence made him uncomfortable and he couldn't explain it…not even to Noah. His mom made him feel sad, and his dad…he felt a pang of anger.

"Hi Mom…Dad." His tone sounded harsh to his own ears and it made his frown deepen. These feelings confused him and he wished they would make sense.

"Luke, are you ready to be moved into your new room?" Dr. Hughes asked suddenly appearing in the doorway again.

"Why am I moving?" he asked Noah as if his friend had all the answers.

"Because you are well enough to move out of intensive care," Noah explained.

"But I thought they want me to lie still? That's why I couldn't sit up?"

"We're just going to move you bed and all into your own private room Luke," Dr. Hughes spoke up again. Luke looked to Noah who nodded, and he sighed. It really wasn't as if he had much choice here.

As he was rolled down the hall he was briefly reminded of his last hospital stay. They had wheeled him down the hall quickly while he was thrashing on the bed. The memory made him frown. They had been moving very fast, and the lights went by in a blur. This trip down the hall was slower, and he could see the white spaces between each block of light on the ceiling.

In his new room the rest of his family visited and the doctors wanted even more tests. He was cross and didn't want to cooperate. They had told him to lay still…on his back, and he was supposed to be happy with them wanting to do more tests. It still bugged him that he couldn't remember why he had been brought to the hospital. He knew he could ask Noah when they had a moment to themselves. Noah seemed to be the only one who didn't want to hide things from him.

He wasn't even certain what to feel about Maddie. She had been his best friend before he went away, and she seemed to have accepted him back into her life…but his parents seemed to want him back too on some level and he certainly didn't trust them. How could he trust anyone? He couldn't help but wonder if any of them even really missed him while he was gone. Did they even realize that he had left or did life go on as always and no one realized that Luke Snyder fell off the face of the earth?

She came to the hospital to see him, and he wondered if she could sense he had been thinking about her. He didn't know where these feelings of resentment were coming from, but they made him awkward in her presence. She had welcomed him on his first day of work, but she never questioned his absence. She had to have realized he was not there right…had she been told a story? Were they all told the same story that Noah was told? Did everyone think he had been in Rehab? All this thinking was really starting to make his head hurt more.

"Hi Maddie," he said his voice laced with sleep.

"Welcome back to the waking world," Maddie responded coming forward to give him a hug. It took a moment for him to register that he should hug her back. His arms lifted and he gave her a quick squeeze.

"I'm sorry I missed work," he said frowning.

"That's the last thing you need to worry about," Maddie replied as she pulled away to look him over. He tried not to cringe under the scrutiny. He felt like he was in one of those observation rooms at the foundation where you couldn't see them, but they watched your every move. He didn't like being looked at. "You look tired, but I am so glad you're here so I can talk to you again."

He didn't know what to make of her statement. It was a 50/50 chance here. She could be sincere or she could be faking it. And it wasn't something he wanted to think about. His mind was too jumbled.

"How is everything at work," Noah jumped into the conversation. "Is Tiphani still being a pain?"

"When isn't she a pain?" Maddie responded, turning her attention to Noah. "All she does is gripe. She's wondering when you're coming back."

It made him sad to think that Noah had missed work for him…though that fact made him strangely content as well. He felt bad for being gleeful about Noah missing days at work. What if he got in trouble for that? What if Noah lost his job because of him

"Don't tell me I've kept you out of work too, Noah?" He was so tired, he wasn't even certain if Noah had understood what he said.

"Its okay, Luke. I wanted to be here in case you woke up. I was worried about you."

"But…why," Luke asked, meeting Noah's eyes head on. He was blinking, and trying to stay awake, but it was a losing battle.

"Because you're my best friend," Noah explained. "And that's what friend's do."

"You did Noah a favor, Luke," Maddie smiled softly. "He's a workaholic."

"I am not," Noah laughed as he turned on her. "I just never had a reason to take off."

"Until now," Maddie teased."

Luke blinked as he watched Noah usher Maddie out of the room. He knew they were still speaking but he wasn't paying attention to the words.

"W…why am I so sleepy, Noah," he asked when he had Noah's attention again. "I just woke up…didn't I."

"They gave you some medicine for the pain," Noah explained even as he began the process of positioning Luke just right so he could sleep. "Just lie down and get some rest."

"Medicine?" Luke murmured. "I don't like medicine." His eyelids were heavy and it wasn't long before he was lost in a deep sleep.

He was beginning to think that he would never get out of the hospital. Every day it was the same thing…Noah would be by his side, sometimes using his computer. The doctors would come in, and ask him questions about how he was sleeping and then tell him they wanted more tests.

"I really don't like hospitals," he lamented to Noah, breaking the silence that had fallen after Dr. Hamilton had left the room. The doctor had sworn that the tests Luke took today would be the last ones needed. He had explained that they just wanted to be thorough in their search for what happened to him. He still couldn't remember how he had ended up in the hospital in the first place.

"I don't think anyone likes hospitals, Luke," Noah commented softly. "It's no fun being sick."

"I was just in the hospital," Luke told him, a frown crossing his face. Thinking about the last time he was in the hospital made him reflective. He didn't have fond memories of the experience.

"You're in the hospital now," Luke heard Noah say. He turned to face his friend, confusion clear in his eyes. "Is that what you mean?" Noah continued his query. "You've been here for two weeks.

"No," Luke shook his head sadly. "I mean before this. I was just here…but not this hospital." His frown deepened for a moment before something occurred to him. "Were you always here? He asked abruptly.

"When I could be," Noah replied.

"So you saw who came in and out of here right?" he asked trying hard to mask the fear he was feeling. He had to hope that Noah understood how important these questions were. If he didn't…Luke didn't know how to explain it to him.

"Your parents were in here," Noah admitted. "And your grandma. Dr. Hamilton was in and out, but that's pretty much it besides me and a few nurses."

"Are you sure," Luke asked his voice nearly inaudible.

"Well, your…Damian was in here once, but you didn't react well to him and he shouldn't have been in here anyway. He didn't come back though he tried."

"And that's it?" he asked, chewing on his lip nervously.

"What's wrong, Luke?"

Luke watched Noah look around the room, looking for some unseen phantom. This gave him hope that he could really trust Noah. His friend didn't think he was crazy.

"You…you're sure that there were no other people in here?" he asked again. His friend shook his head, but somehow that did not set Luke's mind at ease.

"Luke, do you want me to get the doctor…"

"No," he said adamantly and the fear was no longer hidden. "Please Noah don't do that I…I just need you to listen to me. Please don't tell the doctor." He was frantic, and his heart was beating fast. His eyes were wide as he looked at Noah, and it was only when his friend's hands touched his shoulders and pressed their foreheads together that Luke started to relax.

"You can trust me, Luke. Always remember that. I won't tell, but I need you to talk to me, okay."

Luke nodded and immediately felt a chill when Noah moved away from him. He was lost in his thoughts, trying to work out what were real vs what was a figment of his imagination. He had been told many times that he was making up stuff…but he was sure they were wrong. He couldn't have fabricated some of the things that happened to him. He just knew it

"When can I get out of here?" he asked, shifting uncomfortably in the bed. "I don't like hospitals."

"Will you rest for me?" Noah asked even as he fluffed Luke's pillows and straightened out Luke's blankets. "I'm sure you're exhausted."

"You can't leave me alone with them, Noah," he said seriously. He looked at his friend, needing confirmation before he went to sleep that he was not going to be alone.

"No one can get to you while I'm here." He didn't know what to make of the sad smile that crossed Noah's lips, but he did take comfort in his words. He felt safe with Noah…he trusted him and with that thought he was able to slip away into sleep.

Noah was the first person he saw when he opened his eyes the next morning. His friend was leaning forward, his head resting against Luke's arm. Noah's laptop was in his lap, and Luke figured that he must have fallen asleep while working on something. A wistful smile crossed his lips as he lifted his hand, wanting to touch the dark hair to see how thick it was. It wouldn't hurt to touch it just once.

There was no way to describe how he felt running his fingers through the dark strands. It felt nice, and Noah's hair was so soft…yet his actions confused him as well.

For an entire year now he had been taught how wrong it was for him to feel anything at all for a man. It was sinful and wrong, and if he was still away and someone had caught him there would be repercussions. That didn't make sense though. Noah was so good and kind to him, he had been since day one. Why would it be so wrong to develop feelings for someone who was so good to him?

Noah's hair was soft to touch and he weaved his fingers through the locks gently, not wanting to wake Noah up. He didn't know what his best friend would think of his impulsive actions. Noah could never know that he had indulged himself like this…that would surely be the end of their friendship, and Luke could not bear the thought of that."

A knock on the door startled him and he jumped moving his hand from Noah's hair as if it had been on fire. "Oh good you are awake," Alison said as she came into the room. "Your breakfast will be up soon, and Dr. Hamilton has your test results today. Here open up," she said sticking the thermometer in his mouth. His hands were in his lap but he turned his head to look at Noah who surprisingly was still sleeping. Alison pulled the thermometer out of his mouth and wrote down the results. She checked his blood pressure as well, all the while chatting, and letting him know what she was doing and what to expect from the day.

"At least it seems like you won't need any more tests," she said as she checked his IV to make sure he was getting his meds. "Okay I'm all done here. Your breakfast should be here shortly."

"Thank you," he said as she prepared to leave. She smiled at him and he watched her walk away. Once his door was closed again he looked at Noah. It made him sad to think that Noah was so tired. He didn't have the heart to wake him…but at the same time he needed him. Especially if the doctors would be coming in. He didn't want to be in there with doctors if Noah wasn't awake.

"Noah…Noah please wake up."

He felt Noah move beneath his fingers and he snatched his hand away and placed it on his lap. When Noah lifted his head, Luke moved his arm and folded his hands neatly in front of him.

"Are you okay?" Noah asked him, a frown settling on his lips. Luke was still in awe of the amount of concern Noah seemed to have for him. He just didn't get it, and right now he couldn't focus on it. "Luke?" Noah called his name and he tried to focus. He hated when he drifted off like this, he always ended up missing something.

"I…I'm fine," he said lamely. "YOU slept with the computer on."

"Oh," Noah looked away from him and focused on the computer for a moment. Luke was curious to know what his friend was doing, but he didn't want to ask. "Okay," Noah said closing the computer, "You have my full attention now. "What's going on? "

"Alison said the doctors will be in soon to tell me the test results. And they will probably want to ask questions. The thing is I don't' have the answers because I don't know anything about anything." Luke said in one breath.

Noah blinked, and Luke wondered if he had confused his friend. The thought made him frown and he tilted his head to the side for a moment. "Did I confuse you, Noah?" he asked when his friend still stayed silent.

Noah shook his head. "I'm just trying to figure out how to ask you what you want to know," he explained. "

"I need to know everything," Luke responded matter-of-factly.

"Everything is a lot," Noah pointed out. "You think you can narrow that down."

"Are you trying to confuse me on purpose?" Luke asked scrunching up his face, and crossing his arms at the same time.

"I'm trying to get you to relax," Noah explained softly. "Now please ask me your questions, I will answer them best I can okay?"

Luke was silent as he looked at his friend. He was weighing Noah's words and reading the expression he saw on his face as well. "What do you know about me," he asked once he was satisfied that Noah was sincere.

"I know that you don't like hospitals," Noah responded quickly. "And I know that doctors freak you out, and that you've been beaten and have had electroshock treatments. You're afraid of the dark, and you don't like being alone in a room with anyone besides me. I know that there is a discrepancy in the story your parents were told and what you have to say about what happened last year. Your biological father makes you angry and frightened all at the same time, and I know that somehow he holds the key to unraveling the mystery to where you really were…because I believe you when you say you weren't in rehab."

Luke didn't know what to say to Noah's speech. It wasn't exactly the answer he was looking for, but it was the answer he needed. Noah actually listened to him…and he believed him. He really could trust his friend, and that touched his heart.

"What else though," He asked frowning. "I mean what did you learn about me before I came home? What did my parents say?"

"I'm not sure what you're asking me Luke," Noah admitted "Your parents talked about how much they love you and that they missed you terribly."

"But they didn't tell you anything about who I am…or who I was…nothing?"

"NO…why would they? Is there something I should know?"

"No…forget it," Luke said shrugging his shoulders.

"Luke," Noah started a serious expression on his face. "I can't help you if you won't talk to me. I know you are scared, I know you have a hard time trusting. Let me help you."

"The last time I trusted someone completely, Noah, I was sent to isolation…and then I was punished. I ended up in the hospital, and now I'm here. So…you...you can excuse me if I am finding it hard to believe anything from anyone…even if it's you."

"What kind of facility was this?" Noah asked, perplexed. Luke could tell he was frustrating him, but he also knew he couldn't help that at the moment. "I don't think I have ever heard of a rehabilitation center that puts their patients in isolation for any reason.

Luke was silent for a moment as he mulled over what he needed to do. Noah was asking, and despite what he had said, Luke did want to put his trust in him. He sensed that for whatever reason, Noah was on his side and had been since he came home. He didn't understand it, probably never would but he needed to tell someone. He wanted someone to understand.

"I wasn't in rehab. I…I do or did have a drinking problem but…that wasn't why I…that wasn't what sent me away last summer. It's not what kept me away for a year. And I was sent away. It wasn't necessarily my decision…though I guess in a way it was…I don't know, Noah. I just don't know anymore. I just know that things are so…my head it's so…screwed up."

When Noah's arms wrapped around him, he didn't know how to react at first. Ever so slowly he sunk into the sensations he was feeling and hugged Noah back. It was a simple gesture, yet very powerful. He couldn't even begin to express to Noah how much it meant to him that he didn't bolt or pass judgment even though Luke knew he had to be learning strange things.

"Sorry to interrupt," Dr Hamilton said coming into the room. Luke let go of Noah reluctantly and put some distance between them as the doctor came closer. He still didn't feel he was ready for the questions the doctor would have...he didn't even want to think about what would happen if he didn't cooperate. "Luke we have your test results and I would like to discuss them with you, in private," he said directing the last words at Noah.

"No," Luke said even as Noah stood, prepared to give the doctor time to speak with Luke. "I want Noah here."

"Luke it is important that we speak with you on a one on one basis. Your full attention is necessary, and Mr. Mayer will have to step outside."

"You can't make Noah leave," Luke insisted. "I need him here to help me understand what's going on. He can answer the questions better than I can."

"I'd actually prefer to get those answers from you, Luke," Dr Hamilton insisted. "Mr. Mayer cannot be in the room and that's final. Mr. Mayer if you would please leave while I speak with the patient."

Luke locked eyes with Noah for a moment and frowned. He really didn't want to be alone with the doctor.

"Sorry Luke, I have to listen to the doctor…but I'll be right outside okay?" Noah tried to reassure him. Luke could sense that he Noah was worried and that stoked the fire that Luke hadn't allowed himself to feel in a long time. He was miffed, and he felt like letting the doctor know it.

He crossed his arms defiantly as he watched Noah leave and he refused to look at Dr. Hamilton. If the doc was going to be stubborn then he would be too.

"Now about the results," Dr. Hamilton started as he shifted through some papers. "Your scans seem to show that you have some bleeding on your brain, and the memory loss may be due to the pressure there. Have you had electroshock therapy before, Luke?"

The question was met with silence. Luke knew all too well how to be quite when needed be.

"Luke I need you to answer my question." He sighed when Luke shook his head and tried a different approach. "Are you still having trouble remembering what happened before your coma?"

Once again the question was met with silence.

"Can you tell me where the bruises and scars on your back came from, Luke?" It was obvious to Luke that Dr. Hamilton was getting frustrated. This was nothing new to him. Doctors often got frustrated with him, and their nice facades would disappear and their true personalities would seep out, and by the time the truth was revealed the damage was already done. "Luke," Dr. Hamilton rested a hand on Luke's shoulder. "I need you to cooperate with me here. We aren't going to have any answers if you don't talk."

"Why should I cooperate with you," Luke said shrugging off the hand, "when you can't even cooperate with me?"

"Do I need to get your parents?" Dr. Hamilton asked, and Luke fumed.

"I don't want my parents. And I'm not a child. I want Noah here, and if he can't be here than you can get the hell out too."

No sooner had the words left his mouth, then he knew he had crossed the line. Dr. Hamilton glared and Luke recoiled, afraid of what was going to happen next. He had done it, he had angered another doctor…and he didn't know what to expect when the man left the room. And he was left alone yet again.

An eternity passed before he heard someone in the room again. His head was down, and his stomach was tied in millions of knots. If they were going to do something to him, make him compliant wouldn't they have started already? It didn't usually take this long for him to get a reprimand. He sensed his presence before he saw him, and just that alone helped him to relax slightly. He was wary though…this had been how he was betrayed before…they sent in the one person he dared to trust.

"Luke?" Noah's voice was full of concern, and Luke felt the extra weight on his hospital bed and a hand on his shoulder. He dared to look up and found sympathetic eyes staring back at him. "I saw the doctor leave, did he upset you? Are you okay? What can I do? Did you answer his questions?"

He shook his head and closed his eyes, the questions were overwhelming and he didn't know how to explain it to Noah. "I just don't know how to answer the questions," he confessed. "I know if I don't do it, I get in trouble but I just…how do I answer something that I don't completely understand? And the doctors won't let me do what I want to do and if I defy them then I get in trouble. I CAN"T WIN Noah! And I don't want to be here."

"Luke." That voice coupled with hands touching his cheeks made Luke shudder. It was a potent mixture…intoxicating and dangerous, yet he craved it…yearned for those moments. It was as if Noah had somehow tapped into his deepest, secret desires and pulled them to the surface. These were the things that could really get him in trouble if they were ever truly revealed.

His eyes were locked with those sapphire stones, and he knew the difference. He knew this wasn't Adam…the sea he was sinking into was all Noah. He wanted to drown.

"I need you to calm down," Noah's voice soothed. Luke marveled at the power behind that simple tone of his. He was speaking simple words…but to Luke they meant volumes and he didn't think anyone could truly understand that. For a moment it was just about them, and nothing else in the world mattered. The doctors, the hospitals…the punishments, he wasn't thinking about any of it. It was as if Noah had managed to draw him away from all the bad things…Noah offered a world where he could truly just…be.

"What's wrong?" Noah asked, pulling Luke in deeper and deeper.

Luke shook his head, his forehead resting against Noah's; he could feel Noah's hot breath just inches away. "Nothing…Nothing." When their lips met he felt like he was transported again, to a place far beyond the Heavens where dreams were reality. It was sweet, tender and pleasant. There was electricity…urgency and for Luke it was pure bliss.

And when it ended…Noah was still there. Their foreheads still touched and Noah was still offering comfort. "It's going to be okay, Luke…I'm going to talk to the doctors for you okay? I will explain to them that you need me here…you trust me?"

Luke loved the feeling of that hand…it confused him and excited him and he would think about it later. He just wanted to concentrate on Noah…his protector…his best friend...

"Okay," he said. I…I can do it if they will let you stay."

Tears filled his eyes for a moment when Noah pressed their lips together briefly before pulling away completely. Luke felt the difference immediately and shivered from the loss of warmth. He watched Noah leave the room and tried to gather his thoughts as he waited. That was proving more difficult then he wanted to admit…but if Noah was there he was sure he could get through this.

"Are you ready to answer questions now, Luke"" the doctor asked, breaking into his thoughts. "Luke saw Noah walking toward him, and he nodded. He wasn't sure what was going to be asked, and what he could say…but he was going to try. "Yes sir."

"Okay," Dr. Hamilton said nodding towards Noah. "Mr. Mayer will be here just in case there is something you don't remember. "Now can you start by telling me if you've had electroshock therapy treatments in the past?

"Yes," Luke said grabbing Noah's hand for support. Noah squeezed his hand and smiled encouragingly. Luke took a deep breath and focused on the doctor. "I'm familiar with them."

"Can you tell me how many times you've received such tests, Luke?"

Confusion clouded his features for a moment and he turned to Noah. "I don't…remember."

"Give as best a guess as you can, Luke," Noah told him.

"Um," Luke said frowning as he looked up at the doctor again, "I…I think I love count...at twenty."

"And can you tell me why you received electroshock therapy?" Dr. Hamilton asked.

"They were part of the treatment," Luke said grimacing at the word.

"And what about the bruises Luke? Where did they come from?"

"Which ones?" Luke's frown deepened.

"Did they all come from last year?" Noah asked looking at the doctor long enough to mouth "trust me."

"Yeah," Luke replied. "Some were from…diversion tactics and then others were because I failed the conversion tests."

"Did you have to take a lot of tests?" Noah questioned.

Luke nodded. He was starting to relax now, with Noah's voice guiding him through. "There was a test for everything, every day. And if you missed it…if you were sick or anything then it was doubled."

"Were you sick a lot?"

"I'm always sick. I was…" he paused for a second as if he were trying to piece together a fragment of his memory. "I don't know hospitals."

"I know, Luke, I know," Noah soothed. "Look you're doing good answering the doctor's questions here and I know this is hard. What you are describing here doesn't sound like a rehab to me though."

"I wasn't in rehab," Luke exclaimed turning to face Noah head on. "You said you believe me."

"I do believe you," Noah said remaining calm. "That's why I need you to tell me where you were? Who was giving you electroshock therapy and who sent you there?"

Luke was silent for a moment as he tried to weigh his words carefully. He knew he had to answer Noah's question, there was no putting it off anymore. If Noah wanted the truth then he would tell him. He just didn't think his friend would like it.

"I was at the Kreeger foundation," he said just as Lily and Holden appeared in the doorway. "I was sent there by my parents and Damien because I wasn't the son they wanted me to be."

28


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"I do believe you," he said his voice calm as he placed a hand on Luke's shoulder. "That's why I need you to tell me where you were. Who was giving you electroshock therapy and who sent you there?"

To anyone else that may have seemed like a crazy question, but to him it made perfect sense. There was something terribly wrong, and Noah wanted to get to the bottom of it. He did think it was important to find out what was wrong with Luke; but it was obvious that that wouldn't happen until they knew this essential point. There were too many stories, too many threads springing from one center and only one of them led to the truth. The fun part was figuring out which one.

"I was at the Kreeger foundation," Luke responded his eyes focused on something just over Noah's shoulder. "I was sent there by my parents and Damien because I wasn't the son they wanted me to be."

Noah followed Luke's gaze to the door, his eyes locking with Holden who looked just as shocked as he felt. A frown crossed his features as Luke's words sunk in. They didn't make sense…not in any way shape or form…they didn't make sense to him.

But they made sense to Luke, and that was the point.

He tore his eyes away from Holden, turning back to the green flecked brown eyes that were wide with something akin to fear. That perfect mouth was set in a frown and Noah knew this as the look of doubt. Noah knew he needed to say something…there was so much to address. Luke needed to know that he believed him, that he didn't think he was crazy or insane. Luke's statement needed to be analyzed but now was not the time for it. He needed to say something to break the tension that had accompanied Luke's admission.

The admission; that needed to be address first. Something needed to be said.

"Why would they do that, Luke? Why would your parents send you to this place where you could be hurt? That doesn't make sense to me. Can you help me understand?""

"They…they wanted me to change," Luke's voice sounded so sad to Noah's ears. His heart went out to his friend, and those words stoked the fire of his building anger. "They didn't like who I was…they didn't want me to be…me."

"So you didn't choose to go to this place?"

"I went because Dad wanted me to."

Did you ever write them? Tell them you didn't want to be there?" Noah asked grasping for any straw he could in his quest to figure this out.

"I did before I stopped writing. I…I can't write anymore, not like I used to."

"What did you tell them in the letters?"

"That I wanted to come home," Luke said, now looking down at his hands. "They didn't really care."

"Did you ever get letters from them?"

"They stopped coming." Luke' looked so sad and Noah just wanted to hug him and protect him from the world.

"What did the letters say? Do you remember?"

"Dear Luke, I'm glad to hear you are doing so well. Keep up the good work."

"That's all?"

"Just two lines…they always made me sad."

"Why?" Noah asked, though he was sure he knew that answer. He wanted to hear it from Luke.

"Because they never addressed anything I wrote them. It was like they didn't care."

Noah lifted up Luke's chin so he could look into those eyes again. "Luke focus on me," he said waiting until he was sure he had Luke's full attention. "How did you get home? And why didn't your parents know you were coming?"

"I came from the hospital," Luke said his voice a mixture of sincerity and confusion. "I was in the hospital for…" He frowned as he tried to recall the number of days, but that memory was just out of his reach. He shook his head and winced at the sudden pain that shot through his temple. "I…I can't remember how long I was there…but they released me and told me to go home."

"Who told you to go home? "

Luke closed his eyes and his face was contorted with pain. Noah knew he needed to stop the questions for now. "Okay, Luke open your eyes and focus on me…hear my voice...listen to me."

"Okay," Luke said weakly as he tried to do what Noah asked.

"You are safe, Luke. You're here with me, and nothing's going to happen to you…understand?"

"Y…Yes,"

"So can you breathe for me? That's it, just breathe and relax. Trust me…I know that's hard. You don't trust many people do you?"

"N...No," Luke said practicing his breathing.

"But you trust me, right?"

"I…I trust you…Noah."

"Good, good. Just relax, and close your eyes. Can you do that?"

Luke nodded, and Noah smiled as he let his fingers run through the blond's hair. It didn't take long for Luke's eyelids to grow heavy, and Noah made sure he was comfortable, tucking in his blankets and resting his head against the pillows. He kept watch over Luke, like a hen watching over her chicks. His eyes were blazing with the anger he was feeling, but he wouldn't unleash it. Not just yet…not until he saw the rise and fall of Luke's chest. There was so much tension in that room, he could feel it and he was glad that Luke was sleeping. Luke didn't need to know that everyone had heard his words.

"Rehab, huh?" Noah didn't recognize his own voice, and he swallowed. He was still facing Luke, his hands flexing and fisting as he tried to gain control of his emotions. Luke was breathing easily and Noah felt he could turn away…he needed to face them.

He needed to defend Luke.

"How could you," He said spinning to face Holden and Lily once more.

"Noah," Holden started.

"You said he was in rehab," Noah cut him off. He didn't' care at the moment that these were the people who had taken him in. He wasn't worried about the consequences of this outburst. He just wanted to be heard. "How could you do this to him?"

He touched Luke's arm briefly before stepping away from the bed completely. He needed to talk to Luke's parents, but lashing out at them in Luke's room would totally defeat his purpose. He pushed past Lily and Holden and waited for them to join him outside. "How could you?" he asked again once they were in the waiting room area. Do you see how hurt he is?"

"Noah," Holden started, shaking his head. "I have no idea what he's talking about. We never received any letters from Luke indicating he wanted to come home. I just don't understand where this is coming from."

"I'm going to see if I can find Damien."

"That's not even the big issue here," Noah pointed out indignantly, barely noticing that Lily was not with them anymore. "It doesn't matter about the letters in the long scheme of things. Things happen to the mail and it's anyone's guess if Luke's letters got delivered. I shouldn't even have to tell you how sad it is that all you wrote back to him was two lines…that's just…that's just crazy." Noah sighed and softened his tone slightly. "What I'm more concerned about is the fact that you said he was in rehab. You told me that he went to rehab of his own volition, but that," he said pointing at Luke's room, "was not the reaction of someone who chose to go anywhere."

""Trust me, Noah; I can see that very clearly." Noah could tell by the tone of the man's voice that he was sincere. It was clear that he was just as confused as Noah himself. "I have no idea what's going on here," Holden continued, his hand idly massaging the back of his neck. "Damien told us that Luke had decided to go to Rehab because he felt he had no other option to get control of his drinking. I never expected him to be gone a year, and his letters all seemed to be upbeat and filled with how well he was doing and that he was getting better."

Noah frowned. He had always known Holden to be honest, that was why this baffled him so much. And even now the man didn't seem to be lying. But someone definitely was. Something was definitely going on in regards to the mail. Luke wasn't a liar either…a little confused maybe but Noah just knew Luke was telling the truth.

"I can certainly say that I sent him letters every week," Holden continued, "that were much more than two lines long. Something fishy is going on here and I plan to get to the bottom of it.

"Okay," Noah said already trying to figure out what to do here. "If you know where you mailed those letters…maybe there is something about the mail that we need to figure out, because that alone is a big deal. And we have to find out where this Kreeger Foundation is and what it is all about. One thing is for sure, it's not a rehab facility. I'm sorry sir," he said with a sigh. "I just hate to see Luke so hurt, and confused."

"No apologies necessary," Holden assured him. "I don't like to see him this way myself. I want to find out how this happened. I took the letters to the post office myself, so I will go by there and talk with someone when we're done here. As for information about Kreeger, I'm sure Damien has the information about that. What else can we do to help you with Luke? You seem to be the only one he trusts at this point."

Noah shook his head and frowned. He needed to think about this a bit. Being the one person Luke trusted was a lot of pressure…and he didn't want to let Luke down. "Well…I had a lot more questions for Luke, about things he has said to me. I'm interested to find out about this hospital stay. It's the second time he has mentioned it. He was in the hospital before he came home…but you had no idea he was in there…did you?"

"We had no idea he was in the hospital," Holden confirmed. "As far as we knew he was at the rehab center. We should have been contacted, especially if they needed to treat him. Do you think you can find out where this hospital is, Noah? I would like to have a word with the doctors there."

"I can try," Noah said thoughtfully. "Luke can't even remember how long he was in there…I don't know if he can tell me the name of the place. But there should be some kind of report...this is going to be harder than I thought, but I will do my best sir. We just have to help Luke, and it seems the best way to do that is to first figure out what we're up against…and I'm really sorry I got upset with you earlier."

"That's enough, Noah. Don't even give it another thought. In your shoes I would probably feel the same way," Holden assured him. "I just want to find out what happened to my son, and make whoever hurt him this way, pay for it."

"Well, first let's figure out where he was. Then we can worry about what to do about it," Noah said logically. "I have been doing a lot of research and I could show you everything I have found…I can't tell you everything Luke has told me in confidence but I think I can give up a little info; just enough to let you know what's going on."

"Whatever you can give me will be helpful," Holden said gratefully. "Luke trusts you, and unless it affects his wellbeing I would never ask you to break that confidence. Let's have a look at what you have found, and then we can go to work on unraveling this mess."

"Yeah, we can start," Noah said crossing his arms. "Dr. Hamilton needs to talk about the test results too. But it's very important that you don't let Luke know you heard him. If he realizes he spilled all of that to anyone but me…" Noah let that his words trail off. He just knew that Holden would understand.

"Don't worry, Noah, we won't say a word." Holden frowned as he looked toward his son's room. "I know how the old Luke would react, but the young man lying in there is just a shell of my son…and I don't like that at all."

Noah bit his lip and turned his gaze to the room as well. He still had a lot of questions…a lot of things didn't make sense. Luke had said that his parents sent him away because they didn't like who he was, but what exactly was that supposed to mean? "What did he mean sir?" he asked before he could stop himself. He looked at Holden, meeting the older man's eyes head on.

"About what, Noah?"

"Luke said he was sent away because you didn't like who he was. What did he mean by that? What was it about him that he thinks you didn't like? I don't understand."

'Honestly, Noah, I'm not sure what he meant by that. I loved my son, exactly the way he was. I wouldn't have changed a thing about him…except for maybe his drinking. But even then, he's my son, and I love him." He paused for a moment, and Noah could tell he was thinking about it. "Hmmm," he said after a moment, "the only thing that comes to mind is that Lily and Damien had a very hard time accepting that Luke is gay. I don't give a fit about that, I just want my son back and I want him to be happy. I would never try to change something so innate to who he is."

"What," Noah said blinking as he digested Holden's words. There were just too many reasons to be happy about that statement and right now he couldn't' focus on any of them. Right now it was just a piece of information to be added to the puzzle pieces scattered around his brain. "You never told me Luke was gay…that may be an important factor in all of this. I'm going to look up this foundation…I think that's the best place to start."

"Is there anything I can be working on while you do that?" Holden asked. "I don't want you to feel like you're doing all the work here."

"I don't mind, Mr. Snyder," Noah said smiling. "I would do just about anything to help Luke. I may have more questions, and maybe we need to talk to Damien, but I want to know what we are up against first, f that makes sense. Of course this is just me talking, and if you feel you need to run the investigation just say so and I will step back. Because I don't want to intrude and I know I over stepped my boundaries already so…"

"You haven't overstepped anything, son" Holden interrupted his flow of words. "You have been the only one who has been able to reach Luke, and I can tell that you care deeply for my son." Noah blushed and turned his head away from that knowing gaze. "You will never know how much I appreciate that," Holden continued. He paused for a moment as something occurred to him…a question he needed to bring to Noah's attention. "Has he said anything about the scars on his back? I noticed them while helping him shower…but was afraid to ask about them"

"I was wondering if you noticed the scars," Noah frowned. "I think the scars are related to the hospital stay somehow, and the name Adam. Luke mentioned him a few times…said the guy held him down…and he mentioned a whip, but he couldn't tell me anymore than that."

"Adam?" Holden's face clearly showed his confusion. "Who is he? And why would he be holding Luke down? Furthermore who the hell was beating my son with a whip? God Noah, none of this makes any sense. I feel like I've let Luke down and that he is blaming this squarely on me."

"No he isn't placing blame sir. I get the feeling that he feels like this is somehow his fault."

"How do you figure that?" Holden asked curiously.

"He's hurt and confused," Noah explained. "He feels betrayed and lonely…not to mention abandoned. I think we will understand more when we get some of these puzzle pieces together. And as for Adam, whoever he is, he betrayed Luke too."

"None of this makes me very happy," Holden admitted sadly, and to Noah it seemed the man aged ten years in that second. "I feel like I have lost a year of my son's life and the person who came home is not the son who left."

"Don't think like that," Noah insisted. "Luke's still in there somewhere. The son who loves you still exists, he's just been hurt and it's up to us to help him heal. And we can do it Mr. Snyder; I think I have enough faith for the both of us."

He smiled when Holden placed a hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. It was nice to know that Noah believed he could do this.

He wanted to.

He just hoped he really could.

He felt empty. It was the only way to describe the hollowness within as he watched Noah walk away. It seemed like a lifetime ago that his son had been able to talk to him. There hadn't been anything Luke couldn't tell him; that he wouldn't listen to. Holden had always tried to be the best father he could be to his son…but somewhere along the line he had failed. At some point he had stopped watching his son; maybe it had only been for a split second, but it was enough to change his son's world forever. To Luke one second was a lifetime, and that's how Holden felt as he neared the doctor's office. He missed his son…he wanted him back and it hurt his heart to think that somehow someway he was the cause of the pain

As he waited for the doctor to speak, he began to understand why his son disliked hospitals so much. There was something almost cold about these places. Doctors, nurses and aides all ran around doing their duty and that didn't always mean that the patient got the best care. He wondered about this hospital that Luke had been in previously. Had anyone cared for his son…really? Or was he just a body warming a bed for a time. Had his stay in this place been reasonably safe…he gathered that it must have been for Luke was here now…in Memorial, surrounded by familiar doctors and people he knew…those he didn't trust.

"After an extensive battery of tests," the doctor's voice sounded so generic, so unfeeling. It was mechanical, but Holden would listen. He needed to know what was wrong with his son. "We have come to the conclusion that there has been excessive damage to Luke's brain. He suffers from edema and bleeding, but that should go away over time."

"Explain the excessive damage."

"Well Mr. Snyder," Dr. Hamilton said rifling through a folder, "There has been severe damage to the cholinergic portion of your son's brain, and his cognitive function has diminished significantly. This is most likely an irreversible condition. We can go in and do surgery to relieve the pressure and swelling on his brain, which I highly recommend, or we can do nothing and let things progress as they will."

"What is that supposed to been, doctor" Holden asked, beginning to get a little frustrated. "Explain it in terms I can understand, please."

"Well there are no guarantees either way."

"So what you're saying is that you recommend that I let you cut open my son's head, but there are no guarantees that that could fix anything?"

"Correct," Dr. Hamilton affirmed. "Although I think we have a pretty good shot at being able to reverse at least some of the damage that has been done. But there is the possibility that he might never be any better than he is now."

"I can't accept that," Holden said keeping his tone neutral. "I don't believe that my son will remain this way. And I am not agreeing to any surgery."

"Mr. Snyder, are you sure about that? This surgery could possibly save your son's life. Don't you want to talk this over with your wife and Luke's biological father before you make a final decision?"

"I will talk it over with my wife. Damien does not have any say here. He has not been a part of Luke's life for years, and I will be damned if he can come in and start making decisions for him."

"I understand Mr. Snyder. Just get back to me as soon as possible. The sooner we do the surgery the sooner your son will be on the road to recovery."

"And in the meantime?" Holden asked. "What about the headaches and the swelling? How do we stop Luke from hurting? And the blackouts"

"I will prescribe your son some medication that may help with those. His friend seems to have a good effect on him too."

"Yes Noah has been a huge help," Holden acknowledged. "You need to go through him when it comes to dealing with Luke."

"I will bear that in mind, Mr. Snyder. Now if you excuse me, I need to consult with Dr. Hughes."

Holden nodded and made his exit. Outside the room he leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. As if the nightmare couldn't get any worse. Now they wanted to perform surgery on his son. Holden didn't think it was a good idea. With a sigh he pushed himself off the wall, he had to find Lily…he couldn't make this decision on his own.

Noah felt like he had been starting at the same screen for hours, even though he had trudged through several websites already. All the research, all the time he was spending on this project would be well worth it though…if they could figure out where Luke had been sent. He needed to find out about the Kreeger Foundation. It was the one place he hadn't searched for yet. He was almost afraid to, but it needed to be done, for Luke's sake.

He had notes on just about anything he could possibly think of, and the Kreeger foundation would hopefully be the last puzzle piece. He typed in the name, having to do it several times since he wasn't sure how Kreeger was spelled. "Ah Ha," he said when a link for the foundation appeared in the search results. "Let's see what we have here."

He clicked on the link and started to read, his face growing dark as he took in the information. This was impossible. He had to have found the wrong link…there was no way, none at all that this was where Luke had been for the past year.

A groan met his ears, and he looked up, realizing that Luke would be waking soon. He saved the website he had been looking at and closed his computer. He would have to take a closer look at that later. For now he needed to focus on Luke, and his friend did not need to see him upset. He watched as Luke shifted in the bed, and knew the exact moment those brown eyes opened to focus on him. Noah couldn't quite gauge the look on Luke's face, and he knew he would have to wait until his friend spoke before he knew how he was feeling.

"Noah, he said a little disoriented at first. "How long have I been asleep? Has anyone been in here besides you?" he asked before Noah could respond to the first question.

"No one has been in here besides Alison every couple of hours," Noah explained. It's the afternoon now; you have been sleeping since this morning. Do you remember this morning at all?"

"Well," Luke started, and Noah could see the concentration on his face. He was going to watch carefully…he didn't want Luke to get another headache. "You were sleeping with the computer," he said emphatically, pleased with himself for remembering that much.

"That's right," Noah said, I had the computer in my lap.

"And you were looking up something…you weren't using the computer to spy were you?"

"Spying on you," Noah asked, masking his surprise. He knew not to be shocked by what came out of Luke's mouth. "No Luke, never. I'm just doing some research on your symptoms so that I can better understand what's going on."

"So you only want to help me?" Luke asked cautiously. "They always use computers to spy. I used to get caught…but I never knew what they thought I was doing. They didn't tell me…they just said that I was doing something against the rules. But I didn't understand that because I didn't really do much."

"Who is "they" Luke," Noah probed gently. "And why would they be spying on you?"

"I don't know why the wardens spied, I just know they did. They always had their computers open, and they would get these looks on their faces and the next thing you know there was trouble. And the sad part was that it could happen at any time…at any moment and…"

Noah frowned but said nothing as he watched his friend. Luke's expression had changed again and Noah wondered what was going through his mind at that moment. More than ever he felt they needed to get to the bottom of this mystery. They couldn't help Luke if they couldn't identify what was wrong. And at the moment it seemed as if Luke wasn't' completely making sense…and that scared Noah.

He watched as Luke closed his eyes, and he instinctively reached out for Luke's hand as the other boy's face contorted with pain. "Luke, don't give in to the pain, fight it okay? Can you do that for me?" It appeared that he was trying to do what he had been instructed to do, but to no avail. Noah cursed under his breath when the hand went limp and Luke once again lay lifeless in the bed.

He didn't allow himself to be stunned; there was no time for that. He called Ali to check on Luke, and she assured him that Luke had blacked out, but he wasn't in any immediate danger. Noah made her check Luke's vitals three times before he was satisfied. His laptop was open and he furiously took notes on Luke's symptom's and the after effects that seemed to accompany them. He was constantly having headaches whenever he remembered something unpleasant. And at the same time it seemed he had them whenever he was experiencing intense emotion too. That didn't even take into account the black outs and the memory loss that seemed to come right along with those.

The next time Luke woke up he would ask about the hospital…see if Luke could remember the name of it or at least where it was. Then again if he knew where The Kreeger foundation was perhaps that would help him find the hospital. There were so many questions surrounding that. Luke had made it home from the hospital by himself. Yet that seemed to be where Luke's independence ended. Why was that? What had they done to him at this place?

The Kreeger foundation. Just thinking about it made Noah angry. He needed to read up on that place, to make sure he was getting the right idea about it. He didn't like it, and he didn't like the disguise that met unsuspecting parents' eyes. The mere thought of sending a child there disgusted him and it hurt his heart to think that this was the place Luke had lived for a year.

One thing was for sure, Luke wasn't going to get any better surrounded by all these people that he didn't trust. He didn't like hospitals, and Noah wondered if anyone else realized that. There had to be a reason why hospitals freaked Luke out so much…and he was certain it was more than just some random experience when he was younger. He was also quite certain that this last experience at the hospital…the one before now was like the tip of the iceberg. But what did that mean exactly?

And who was this Adam guy that Luke had mentioned a couple of times. How did he factor into things? How and why had he betrayed Luke? The wheels were turning in Noah's mind as he continued to type and look through all the material he had gathered since he started looking into this.

"No…noah?"

He felt a hand on his shoulder and jumped before realizing it was only Luke. He was awake, and Noah immediately felt himself relax. "Are you okay?" Luke frowned.

"Am I okay?" Noah repeated. "I should be asking you that. You had me worried for a minute there, Luke."

"I'm just thirsty."

"But I don't think you can drink anything Luke." He saved his documents and closed his computer setting it aside so he could focus on Luke. "Here, let me get the swab to moisten your mouth."

"Yuck," Luke said stubbornly. He refused to open his mouth for the proffered sponge.

"Come on Luke, open up." Luke shook his head and pressed his lips tightly together. "Fine" Noah sighed. "I'll let you have some ice chips again. Would that be okay? It's probably safer than you eating the chapstick anyway." He saw the slightest glimmer of a smile appear on Luke's face, and that was enough to make him smile as well. 'Okay if that's the way you want to play it, I'm going to get you some ice chips, but I think I need to get something to distract you too."

"Can you read to me again?"

"Is that what you want?" Noah asked crossing his arms.

"If you don't mind."

Noah shook his head and reached in his pocket for his key ring. "I want you to hold on to this until I get back, okay?" Luke nodded and took the bottle opener Noah was handing him. "Are you going to be okay for a few minutes?"

"Yes, Noah. I'll be okay."

He knew something was wrong even before he reached Luke's room. His long legs carried him down the hall quickly, and his heart sunk as he heard screaming coming from his friend's room. "No you are not cutting me open!" He heard Luke yell. "Get away from me, I don't want you here."

He dropped the paper bag that contained his gift for Luke and ran the rest of the way to the room. Dr. Hamilton was there talking to Luke who looked like he would fall out of his hospital bed if he moved over any further

"Luke I really think this is the best course of action," Dr. Hamilton continued as Noah quickly entered the room. "I've already discussed it with your parents…" 

"What's going on in here?" Noah announced his presence and moved to Luke's side glaring at the doctor.

Luke grabbed a hold of Noah's arm and clung to him tightly. There was genuine fear and tears in those brown eyes and Noah felt himself getting angry. Luke had been fine when he left the room. "Noah, don't let them cut me, please. Tell them they can't do that."

"What did you say to him," Noah said focusing on the doctor even as he tried to soothe Luke.

"I was explaining to him that we want to do surgery to fix his brain."

"Fix his brain?" Noah scoffed. "What is he five?"

"Mr. Mayer is very important that we perform this operation."

Luke held on tighter to Noah and pleaded with him. Those brown eyes looked do sad and afraid. "Get out of here, you idiot," he snapped at the doctor. Dr. Hamilton was taken aback and opened his mouth to speak, but Noah cut him off. "Just go. Can't you see you're scaring him? GO."

"I'll send a nurse in with a sedative," Dr. Hamilton said as he turned to leave.

"No, you won't and I'll tell the nurse too if you do. He doesn't need to be put to sleep, he just needs you to leave him be. Now get."

Once Dr. Hamilton was gone he turned his attention back to Luke and helped get him situated in the bed again. "Luke, listen to me," he said placing his hands on either side of Luke's face. "I need you to calm down."

"I don't want them to cut me open."

"I know, Luke, and they won't. But you have to relax and trust me here. Now breathe."

Ever so slightly Luke started to relax and he impulsively he hugged his friend, holding on tightly, his head resting in the crook of Noah's neck. It was in that moment that Noah realized he really needed to do something. His arms slipped around Luke and he hugged him back, offering what comfort he could as he tried to figure out the best way to help.

"What can I do Luke?" he asked when they pulled out of the embrace and Luke was resting against his pillows. "How can I help?"

"Just…just get me out of here" It was barely a whisper but Noah heard it loud and clear. He needed to talk to Holden…being in the hospital was not helping Luke at all.

"Can you stay here with him?" he asked as Ali wrote some information on Luke's chart. Luke was taking a nap, and Noah thought it would be a good time to go find Holden. He just didn't want to leave Luke alone again. "I will try not to be long; I just don't want to leave Luke alone in here. Dr. Hamilton really freaked him out."

"Dr. Hamilton seems to be very good at scaring patients," Ali replied ruefully. "Don't worry about Luke, Noah. I'll keep an eye on him and make sure no one disturbs him."

"Okay and if he wakes up before I get back…"

"I'll let him know you'll be here shortly, now go."

Noah thanked her again and left the room. He needed to talk to Holden before the doctors decided to go ahead with this surgery nonsense. It angered Noah that no one seemed to be listening to Luke. When he was agitated they chose to medicate him. When he told them no, they wanted to sedate him. Would it really hurt any of them to take a moment to find out why he was upset? Noah didn't think so, and he wished he could impart that to everyone somehow. Being in this hospital was not helping Luke at all, because he was so scared of them. And Dr. Hamilton certainly wasn't making things better by going to Luke and telling him they wanted to fix his brain. Who says that to someone?

He heard Holden before he saw the man standing in the doorway of one of the conference rooms. He hurried his stride to get to him, sensing that he was as angry ad Noah himself felt. "I don't think the surgery is a good idea,' Holden's voice met his ears.

"But what if it's the only way to save him," he heard Lily protest. "I think Damien is right on this one, we need to let them do the operation."

Noah narrowed his eyes. Why was she agreeing with Damien, and why did that man even have a say?"

"I think it's best we do what's right for our son," Damien's voice this time and Noah's frown deepened.

"He's not your son, Damien. You gave up any right to him years ago. And I can't believe you're siding with him. Don't you think Luke has been through enough?"

"Holden if the surgery can help the blackouts," Lily started.

"There's no guarantee of that," Holden interrupted. "I think it's too risky, and Luke shouldn't have to go through it."

"I think you are wrong, and we have to do what we feel is best for Luke." Damien interjected."

"What about what Luke wants," Noah said angrily stepping in on the conversation. The three adults turned to face him and he swallowed. At any other time he would have backed down from those gazes, but now…today he was too mad to think about it. "You're standing here talking about a serious surgery that could change Luke's life forever, or even end it…and all I'm hearing is what you want, and what YOU think Luke wants. Don't you think that Luke should have a say?"

"Luke is in no condition to be making decisions," Damien snapped

"How would you know," Noah countered. "You shouldn't even be involved in this decision."

"Noah," Lily reprimanded.

"Don't Noah me; I am not sure how I feel about you right now. He shouldn't be involved in this decision because Holden is the one who raised Luke. Holden is the one who loves him and knows what is best for him. Why would you take the word of someone who has only caused Luke pain?"

"Who are you to pretend to know what my son feels about me," Damien fumed.

"Oh don't start," Noah said crossing his arms. He turned his attention back to Holden and Lily and tried to reason with them. "Luke is not crazy, and I'm tired of everyone treating him like some mental patient. If any of you would take a moment to listen to what he has to say, you would understand what's wrong with him."

"You don't know Luke like we do, Noah," Lily said her voice stern as she locked eyes with him. "This isn't the first time he has shown erratic behavior. He was very paranoid after he told us he was gay last year."

"I would be paranoid too if my own mother didn't accept me for who I was!" Noah bit back. "Which I gotta tell you Lily, I expected so much better from you of all people."

"Don't talk to her that way," Damien warned.

"Noah," Holden called his name at the same time.

"I mean no disrespect," He said turning to Holden for a moment. "But it just blows my mind that she can deny her own son, her own flesh and blood just because he likes boys, and then turn around and take a gay man into her home and treat him like he's a valued member of the family. And where the hell were you for the past year?" he asked turning on Damien, "and why is it that your son is so petrified of you."

"I'm not going to listen to anymore of this nonsense. You stay away from my son," Damien blasted angrily. "I think you two need to control your houseguest."

"He had a seizure," Noah yelled, causing Damien to turn and face him. "He went into convulsions the one time you got into his room. He got a headache during an argument with you. I don't think those are coincidences Damien."

"You can't blame that on Damien, Noah," Lily said distressed.

"You weren't there," Noah said exasperated. "You have barely been here since Luke got to the hospital, so how would you know." The silence that fell after that statement was palpable. Noah took a moment to catch his breath, though he continued to glare at Luke's parents. He would apologize later, especially to Holden because he really wasn't upset with him. But for now his number one concern was Luke. "I didn't think you would have an answer for that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go check on Luke."

He backed away, glaring until he reached the hall and he turned to go back to Luke's room. He really needed to talk to Holden now. Especially if Lily and Damien were serious about the surgery…there was no way Luke could get operated on again…it couldn't happen.

Noah was in the middle of reading Luke a comic book when he felt a hand clamp down on his arm. He looked up to see Damien trying to pull him up from the chair.

"What are you doing?" Luke exclaimed from his spot on the bed. "Leave him alone."

"You don't need this negative influence in your room," Damien explained in that condescending tone that grated Noah's nerves. "Your mother and I believe that he should stay away from you."

"No," Luke yelled at him. "You leave Noah alone and let him go."

Noah wrenched his arm free and glared at Damien. "You don't have the right to put your hands on me."

"Get out of my son's room."

"You get out," Luke fumed. Out of the corner of his eye, Noah could see the doctor and Lily in the doorway. He was sure that Luke hadn't noticed them yet. "Get the hell out of here, and leave Noah alone. And stay out of my life. If you don't I swear I'll disappear and no one will ever see me again."

"You don't mean that, Luke?" Damien replied.

"Try me," Luke said clenching his fists into balls as he glared at his biological father. "I don't want to see you anymore."

"That's enough, Luke," Dr. Hamilton came further into the room holding a syringe and Noah moved to stop him, but Damien held him back.

"You can't do that," Noah protested as he tried to get away from Damien. "Don't sedate him; he's not doing anything wrong. Leave him alone." Noah's heart about broke when those brown eyes met his right before they closed and that blond head fell to the pillow.

"What did you do that for?" Noah raged, finally breaking free of Damien's grasp. "And how could you stand there and let him do it. Luke was fine, he was listening to me read, and you just drugged him again. Is this place just employed with idiots?"

"We need to talk to you for a minute Noah," Dr. Hamilton said placing a hand on his shoulder. "Out in the hall please."

Noah shrugged off the hand and crossed his arms as he walked into the hall. He couldn't believe they had just done that to Luke. It was wrong, and it was no wonder that Luke didn't like hospitals. "If you wanted to talk to me you should have just said so," He said crossly. "You didn't have to sedate him. You know he hates needles."

"Luke listens to you, correct?" Dr. Hamilton said, purposely ignoring Noah's outburst.

"Yes."

"So he trusts you then."

"Yes, he does. What's your point Doctor?"

"We need you to talk to him about this surgery. You have to convince him to have it."

"NO," Noah said shaking his head as he faced the doctor, Lily, and Damien head on. "I am not going to convince him to do something that I know will freak him out. It was one thing for him to take all these tests, I convinced him that he should do it and you know what? I wish I hadn't, because he's still here in this stupid hospital and he's not getting any better."

"IF you care about Lu8ke at all, Noah, you'll do it," Lily pointed out.

"If I care about him?" Noah laughed bitterly. "If you cared about him you wouldn't be agreeing to this surgery at all. It's becoming increasingly clear to me that Holden and I are the only ones who do truly care about him. He doesn't need an operation, he just need you to listen to him…and I am not going to be the one who convinces him he needs to go through that. I won't do it, and you aren't going to operate on him. "

"Thanks," Noah said gratefully taking the cup of coffee Holden offered him. He watched the older man take a seat beside him, and take a sip from his own cup.

"I tried," he said causing Noah to sigh. Holden had been trying for the past hour or so to convince Lily and Damien that surgery was not the best viable option here. "They want to prep Luke for surgery tomorrow."

"They can't do that," Noah said shaking his head. "Luke would never forgive them…he'd never forgive us for letting it happen. He doesn't want this surgery, Holden. And I don't think he needs it."

"Damien and Lily seem to think this is the only way out."

"Do you agree," Noah charged.

"No, I don't. But I don't think I have much choice here."

"You do have a choice. You're his father. And someone has to fight for him while he can't. Luke knows what he wants, Holden. It's just that no one is listening."

"I want to listen."

"Then listen to me," Noah said softly. "You need to get Luke released from here…that will be the first step to his recovery. He needs to be out of this place. Hospitals terrify him, and being here is not helping him get any better."

Holden frowned, and took another sip of coffee. "The doctor said he's damaged, Noah. How am I supposed to take care of him?"

"He's not damaged," Noah countered. "He's just been through a lot of crap, and we have to figure out exactly what that means. Once we do we can help him get through it and past it. But I'm telling you Holden, we have to get him out of here first, or he will go crazy. I am so upset with the doctors here for sedating him again. There was no reason for that, Luke was just showing his dissatisfaction with Damien. Dr. Hamilton had no right to touch him that way."

"You seem to know what's best for him," Holden said turning to face him. "He trusts you…and I trust you too. I know only want what's best for Luke, Noah. So tell me what we need to do. How do we help him?"

Noah's expression was thoughtful as he looked at Luke's dad. He knew it had taken a lot of courage for Holden to ask for help like that. He wanted to make the right choice here; this was after all Luke's life they were talking about. "I have given it some thought," he said, playing around with the coffee cup in his hand. "I think you need to talk to Dr. Hughes and get him to release Luke into your care tonight…as in after we finish this conversation. Then we need to take Luke as far away from here as possible. I'm not sure where we can go…but for a while I think it needs to be the three of us. Luke trusts me, and he's learning to trust you again. Something broke over the last year…and I have so much I need to share with you on that…but I hesitate to do it in this place. Needless to say, I don't think surgery, or medicine is going to help Luke right now. I think you and I are the only ones who can do that." He took a deep breath and looked Holden squarely in the eye, his expression serious.

"The Luke you know and love is in there, Holden, and I want to bring him back to you. I need you to help me do that."

21


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

He didn't know what to think about the silence. It was overwhelming and he felt like he couldn't breathe. The suggestion hung in the air, suspended in time…waiting, wanting…hoping. He didn't know what he expected the older man to say, he only knew what needed to be said. It was important that this suggestion was taken seriously. A life was at stake, a precious one, to both of them. It wasn't something to be taken lightly.

Anyone who walked past would have thought the two men were at odds. Anyone who looked at them would have thought them a father and a son, caught in a battle of wills, their matching blue eyes blazing with something akin to determination. Their dark heads still and unmoving like stone. No one approached the figures in the waiting room; no one dared come close as if they were afraid of incurring their wrath. They were trapped in their silence, both of them lost in thoughts of what this decision would mean and what it would cost.

It wasn't a decision they could take lightly.

It was a choice they had to make.

There was a life at stake.

A precious life.

Luke's life.

And they were the two men who loved him most.

"It's the only way," Noah's voice sliced through the quiet.

"What if it does him more harm than good?" Holden reasoned.

"Do you think he needs the surgery?"

"No," Holden replied, and Noah could tell he was sincere.

"Then you know what needs to be done, and it has to be done now…tonight"

"He won't go with us," Holden's voice was resigned to what needed to be done, but he knew it wouldn't' be easy.

"Leave that to me…you talk to Dr. Hughes. Once we are out of here, we'll figure out the rest. First we need to get him out."

"You're sure about this, Noah? You're certain we can save my son?"

"Luke doesn't need surgery sir. He just needs to be loved."

"Are you certain about this, Holden?" Dr. Hughes asked as he looked at the man he considered a friend. They were in his office, the door was closed and Holden was sitting in a chair with a determined stance set on his face. "You do know what you are asking me for here?"

"Yes, Bob I know I am asking for a lot, but I think you can understand what it's like to do desperate things when it comes to your children. My son needs me right now, and I need to do this for him."

"Dr. Hamilton has explained to you all the risks of not having the surgery?" Dr. Hughes asked. He was frowning, but he did understand where Holden was coming from. Being a father himself, he knew he would do just about anything for his children…even if it was risky.

"I don't think he needs the surgery. Damien and Lily are determined to put him under the knife, and I just can't let him go through that again, Bob. Luke has suffered enough, and I can't consciously put him through something that may hurt him more."

The office was quiet as Dr. Hughes thought about what Holden was suggesting. He cared about Luke too, and he only wanted the boy to be okay. He was also aware of the calming effect that Noah had on Luke. The boy was the only one that Luke would let near him most times…and if he figured that maybe, just maybe, Luke would be okay once he was out of the hospital…wasn't that worth the shot?

"Bob," Holden said cutting into his thoughts. "I need your help to do this. I don't want you to consult with Dr. Hamilton, I don't trust him. He sedated my son tonight when there was no need for him to do so."

"He said Luke was agitated," Dr. Hughes said frowning.

"He was upset," Holden corrected. "Noah told me what happened. He was upset because Damian was trying to remove Noah from the room. Luke just voiced his feelings on that and he should have been left alone. Earlier today, Dr. Hamilton went into his room and told Luke that he wanted to fix his brain. My son freaked, Bob. He does not want to be operated on…and I do not want my son to go through something like this against his will. You have to help me."

"Will you be taking Noah with you?"

"Noah is still the only one Luke trusts. He will be going with us…I don't know where we will go, and it may be best that you don't know all the details."

Dr. Hughes nodded and mulled over the suggestion. He needed to make the right decision. This was like the moment when you decided to take a person off the ventilator to see if they could breathe on their own. Sometimes it was the right choice, other times it wasn't….but one would never know unless it was risked. Luke wasn't doing well in the hospital; that much was clear. Noah was the one person who had any success with him…Maybe he was the only one who could help.

Maybe he was the only hope.

"I'll prepare the papers for Luke's release," He said picking up the folder from his desk. "You and Noah will need to figure out how you will get him out of here without Lily and Damien knowing…and I wish you the best of luck, Holden. I pray that Luke will be okay. His life rests in your hands…and Noah's."

"Thank you Bob…Thank you."

Luke stirred the moment he entered the room, and Noah immediately went to his friend's bedside. Those brown eyes were full of confusion and pain, but there was something else in that gaze. Something tangible that Noah glimpsed right beneath the surface. It was hope. And in that moment Noah knew what he had to do. That gaze…those eyes of brown with a hint of green were asking one thing.

"Save me."

"Noah," that voice so full of terror that it broke Noah's heart. "Noah I don't want to be here…I don't like needles and I don't want to be cut…cut open."

"Shhh," Noah soothed as he touched his shoulder and allowed his fingers to touch those blond strands. "I need you to listen to me, okay. I want to help you, I want to get you out of here…and I can, but you need to trust me."

"Just don't put me to sleep again, please."

"The next time you go to sleep Luke it will be because you want to. I promise. Do you trust me?"

"Yes." Luke's voice was a mere whisper, but that was fine, for Noah didn't want anyone to overhear.

"I can't do this on my own though, you know that right?"

Luke frowned as if he knew that something suspicious was coming. Noah continued to let his fingers run through the blond hair, wanting only to soothe Luke. It seemed to be working. "I don't know, Noah."

"Just trust me. I can't explain it here, but I need you to trust me, okay?"

Seconds…minutes passed as Luke thought about Noah's words. Noah could tell he was weighing them in his mind, and he could sense that Luke really wasn't sure what to think of them. Noah could only hope that Luke's trust in him would guide him to the right decision.

"You and someone else are going to get me out of here?"

"Your dad and I," Noah related, focusing on Luke intently. He knew the moment Luke tensed up and he continued his explanation, his fingers never leaving his hair. "Your dad is the only one who can sign you out of the hospital, Luke. And he's the only one who can prevent them from operating. Your mom and Damien want the doctors to go through with it, but you don't' need to worry about that. We're not going to let them cut you. They're not going to hurt you again. Trust me."

Days passed in minutes as Luke tried to muddle through his thoughts. Noah's heartbeat was rapidly increasing as he waited, wondering what Luke would say next. He had given up trying to guess his best friend's actions.

"I trust you Noah. I'll…I'll go with you."

The plan was set, but they only had a small window of time. Filling out paperwork could only take so long, and they needed to have Luke out of there before Lily and Damien returned to his room. Holden signed the release papers and Noah got Luke dressed and ready to leave. It was simple really; they didn't need to sneak because Holden was Luke's father. He had a right to discharge him from the hospital. The tricky part was being far enough away before Lily and Damien got suspicious.

Noah explained to Luke that they were going on a little adventure. It was the only way he could convince Luke to get into Holden's car. He sat in the back seat, because Luke felt safer with him right beside him. Noah didn't mind one bit, he liked holding Luke's hand…it was comforting to him too. His heart beat was fast and he knew it would remain that way until they were out of the city limits. Silence had joined them too…no one talked, not even Luke who was looking around at everything as he squeezed Noah's hand tighter.

"Breathe Luke," Noah said once they passed the welcome to Chicago sign. "Relax okay; I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

"Is…is this a good idea, Noah?" he asked, and Noah wished there was something he could do to take that fear away. He hated seeing Luke so scared.

"Your dad is going to take us to the airport, and then we are going to get on a plane."

"Where…where to?"

"That's a good question," Noah sighed. He squeezed Luke's hand tighter and turned his attention to Holden. "Have you figured out where we're going?"

"We're going to Los Angeles," Holden replied, not taking his eyes off the road.

"Why are we going to Los Angeles?" Luke asked.

"To stay with Abigail," Holden responded.

"Oh, I remember Abby," Luke said a smile playing on his lips for a moment.

"Who's Abby?" Noah asked. Luke looked at him, and Noah wondered how he was still breathing with that gaze pinned on him.

"She's my big sister."

"Oh," Noah responded, turning away to look out the window. He didn't know if he was going to like this Abigail and he hated himself for feeling that way. He sighed and pushed the negative thoughts out of his head. Just because the mention of her name made Luke smile didn't really mean anything except that maybe this would be someone he trusted. Before he could dwell on it for too long Luke tugged on his hand and he turned his attention back to his best friend.

"You have to hold my hand on the plane, okay?"

"I'll hold your hand for as long as you want me to, Luke." Luke smiled and Noah relaxed, glad that the smile for now was all for him. He didn't know what would happen in L.A. but for now he was just glad that Luke needed him.

They were lucky enough to get a flight that was just about to board its passengers. Holden paid or the tickets and made sure all three of them made it through the security check. Noah suggested that Luke take the window seat, that way he could look out the window if he chose to, and ask any questions if he had them. Noah sat by his side, and Holden took the aisle seat and every now and again Noah caught Holden stealing glances at Luke. He only hoped that somehow once they were settled that he would be able to repair the relationship between father and son.

"Have you ever been to California?" Luke asked him when they had been in the air for fifteen minutes.

"No. This will be my first time."

"How did you end up in Oakdale?"

Noah's expression was thoughtful as he looked at his friend. ""Do you want the long reply or the standard one?"

Luke shrugged. "I just want to know about my best friend."

Noah smiled. "I moved around a lot when I was little. My dad is in the army and every two years or so we moved from army based to army base. So it was really hard to make friends and establish roots. Anyway we were in Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri last and I spent most of my time there watching old movies and dreaming about the day I could leave."

"You didn't want to stay?" Luke asked awe.

"I couldn't wait to get away from home," Noah admitted quietly. "I jumped at the chanced to leave. When Mrs. Hughes called me and told me she wanted me to interview for a position in Oakdale I hopped in my truck and never looked back."

"What about your dad?"

Noah was quiet for a second before answering. "My dad and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things," He explained. "I respect him. I hesitate a little to say that I love him but we can't live together"

"You don't trust him?" Luke inquired.

Noah shook his head. "Actually, I don't."

"But you trust my dad?"

"Your dad is honest and kind and wouldn't cause anyone harm. If I had to wager a bet, I would say that my father is a little like Damien."

"Do we have to talk about him?"

"Not if you don't want to, Luke."

Luke turned his head and looked out the window. Noah leaned back in his chair and watched the blond, wondering what he was thinking about now.

"Why do you believe me when no one else does?"

The question completely took him by surprise but he recovered easily enough. "Because you have no reason to lie to me, and no need to impress me. And besides I can see the sincerity in your eyes, Luke. You just want someone to listen to you."

"Do you think I will get better?" Luke asked seriously. "Or is this going to be my existence for now on?"

Noah almost couldn't stand the sadness he saw in those eyes. He placed a hand on Luke's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "You're going to get better, Luke. I believe that with my whole heart, and I am going to help you get better. It isn't going to happen overnight, or even in a week but it will happen. You have to have faith in that."

"You're not taking me to California to see another doctor are you? Or to another hospital?"

"No more doctors, and no hospitals okay?"

"How long are we going to stay in California?" Luke asked moving on to the next question. "Won't you get in trouble for not being at work?"

"I'm not worried about that," Noah responded easily. "We're going to stay in California for as long as it takes to get you better. Though I think we're going to stop using that phrase."

"Why is that, Noah?"

Noah pursed his lips. He knew he had to pick his words carefully here. "Because, getting better suggests that you are sick, and that's really not the case here. You aren't sick, Luke, and you aren't crazy like the doctors would have you believe either. You just have a lot of scars that need to heal and that's why we are going to California."

"And you really think my Dad can help with this? I mean don't get me wrong, I am grateful to him for getting me out of the hospital, but I still don't trust him the way you do."

"But you used to," Noah said checking to make sure Holden wasn't listening. "Your dad said that you guys were really close before last year. He misses you Luke, and he only wants what's best for you. That I can just about guarantee, but you aren't expected to trust him over night either. I know you feel betrayed by him."

"I want the closeness back with my Dad," Luke said wistfully. "He was always the one who I could talk to and I trusted him…and I guess that's why this is all so hard to understand." He frowned and looked out the window for a moment before turning back to Noah. "If he loved me, why did he send me away? Why did he let them do all those terrible things to me?"

"I don't know Luke. If you want my opinion, I'm beginning to think that he didn't' know what was going on with you. He always told me you were in rehab. Did you ever know your dad to be dishonest with you? Before last year?"

"No," Luke said slowly. "Never, my dad is the most honest person I know. He accepted me from the time I was an infant and has never treated me like I wasn't his own flesh and blood." Noah watched as Luke's expression became thoughtful. He thought it was a good sign that Luke was trying to think about this. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard to get him and Holden to reunite. "Do you really think he didn't know where I was? I mean I saw the paper he signed giving them permission to do what they did to me. Do you think my mom and Damien tricked him or something like that?"

"That's possible," Noah said frowning. "I still need to check into everything. Your Dad has no idea what the Kreeger foundation is Luke. I could tell when I yelled at him about it."

"You yelled at my dad?" Luke asked the awe back in his voice. "Wow, I'm totally at a loss here, Noah. Why did you yell at my dad?"

"Because I didn't like the idea of someone sending you somewhere where you were hurt," Noah confessed. "Your dad told me you were in rehab…I told you that remember, the day we met? So when you kept saying that wasn't where you were and then I saw how hurt you were…I snapped. And my first instinct was to protect you."

"You did that for me?" Luke smiled, and Noah thought it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. "No one has ever done that for me, Noah. I…I'm very lucky to have you as a friend, and I'm so grateful you believe me. How on earth is Dad going to explain this to my Mom and Damian?" he asked curiously. "Mom is going to be upset, and I'm sure Damien will be furious?"

"You know I think this is the most I have heard you talk since I met you," Noah remarked with a smile. "Not that I am complaining or anything. "It's just amazing…you just seem so comfortable right now."

"I am comfortable with you, Noah. That helps a lot," Luke admitted. "Knowing that you are looking out for me and just being away from Oakdale helps a lot too I think. I don't know what it is, but it's like everybody is staring, and looking for me to make some kind of slip up and I hate that. So tell me how you decided you wanted to be a director," he said changing the subject abruptly. "I used to want to write novels, but now I can't."

"There's no such thing as I can't, Luke," Noah insisted. "I'm going to help you write again, and don't' give me that look, I'm serious. To answer your question though, I had this neighbor in Fort Leonard Wood who indulged my love for old movies and he had this video camera that he would let me play around with. See he was a few years older than me, but we became friends, until he went to college. I just like the idea of being able to tell a story and capture that story on film. I tend to be a very visual person and I can imagine just about anything as a movie…or compare it to the old movies I used to watch. I know that probably makes me sound like a dork." He blushed slightly.

"You are not a dork, Noah," Luke insisted. "I hope you're correct about me being able to write again. I miss writing very much. That's where I put all my thoughts and now it's just like they are crammed in my brain. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah it makes sense. It's like right now you have no release for those thoughts so they are stuck and you have a whole lot of them."

"Exactly. It's like if I don't get them all out, they might get lost again in my head."

"Well in the mean time, until we can work on your writing you could talk."

"Talk?" Luke asked confused. "What do you mean? Talk to you? How will that help me get my writing back?"

"I mean if you need to get your thoughts out, you can talk to me," Noah explained. "When was the last time you were able to write?

"Months ago," Luke admitted sadly. "It was like someone turned off a switch in my head and the thoughts and words just wouldn't come anymore. For weeks even forming single sentences was a challenge. I think the shocks were what did that, but what I didn't understand is why they needed to take my writing from me. It was my one escape from the cold reality of where I was."

"You seem to be okay with your words right now, and you aren't stuttering….that's a good sign I think."

"Maybe," Luke agreed reluctantly. "I sure hope so. I miss writing very much. I wanted to write novels. That is a dream I can remember from my childhood. Noah hid a smile as he listened to Luke. It was nice to see him excited about something. "Most of my memories of childhood are gone," he said his voice suddenly growing wistful, "erased like they were never there. I'm sorry Noah; I didn't mean to dump all this on you. I really want to know more about you and how you came to live with my parents. Can you tell me about that?"

"I don't mind listening to you, Luke. I have been waiting for you to feel comfortable talking to me. I certainly wouldn't tell you to stop. There isn't really that much to know about me, really. I mean I guess that depends on what you want to know. Your mom offered me a place to stay. She said she was looking for a boarder, and she really wanted me to take the job since Mrs. Hughes showed her my resume. I was really glad that someone wanted to give me a chance, and I wanted out of Missouri so badly."

"I find it hard to believe that there is not much to know about you, Noah. You are so giving and wonderful. I'm glad that you came to Oakdale and that you came to be with my parents. I'm not sure I would have survived coming home had you not been there to help me. I'm kind of tired," he said after a moment's pause, "would it be okay if I rested for a little while. I haven't seen Abby in years and I don't want to fall on my face when I see her."

"I think some rest will do you good, Luke. We still have an hour or so before we land, go ahead and rest up. "

"Thank you, Noah, for all that you have done for me. I know that the words are not enough and maybe someday I can show you just how grateful I am. Will you wake me before we land?"

"Yeah, I'll let you know." He kept his eyes on Luke until the other boy leaned his head on the window and closed his eyes. He was still watching the rise and fall of his chest when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see that Holden had taken his earplugs out and was now looking at him quizzically.

"How is he doing?" He asked nodding towards Luke.

"I actually got him to talk a bit," Noah responded. "Actually I think that's the most he's ever said to me in one sitting. I really think taking him out of the hospital was the best idea."

"I hope you're right Noah. I don't think I could live with the knowledge that I endangered my son anymore than he already has been."

'I'm sure of it, sir," Noah asserted. "Luke was very coherent just now and he and I had a conversation about several different things. He asked questions, he expressed excitement…he's comfortable, and he really doesn't want to go back to the hospital. He doesn't like them at all. We really need to figure out what we are doing here. I think we may need a game plan before we land in L.A."

"I agree," Holden said turning slightly in his seat. "I called Abigail before we left Chicago to let her know I was coming, but she has no idea that you and Luke are with me. I figured the less she knew the better for all of us at this point. Once we land in L.A I will call her and see if she has room for us at her place, or if we need to find a hotel. I would prefer to be with her if we can. I think she will have a calming influence on Luke just like you do."

"Will you still want me there if that happens?" he asked before he could stop himself. "I mean if Abby will be able to help Luke…" he left the question unasked and lowered his head. He felt stupid for even asking the question.

He felt Holden's hand on his shoulder and looked up into concerned blue eyes. "Noah, of course I will still want you there. You have become like a son to me. I love you just as much as Luke, Ethan and Aaron. I don't think any of us, Abby included, will be able to reach Luke the way that you do. He is still afraid of me, and Abby knows next to nothing about what is going on. Luke needs you here, and so do I. You have done nothing but try and mediate the distance between Luke and I, and I know that if we are able to salvage our relationship at all, it will be because of you."

Noah didn't know what to say to those words. He wasn't even sure which part of that to react to first. The fact that Holden loved him like a son was just…amazing to him. He wasn't completely certain his own father felt that way and here was a man he had known for just a few months and he was loved. That was a powerful thing, and he didn't want to let Holden down. And he wanted to believe that Luke would always need him; that really was a nice thought.

"Thank you, sir," he said finally. "Those words mean more to me than I can ever truly describe. I'm going to do my best to help Luke, because I really do care about him…and I care about you too."

Holden squeezed Noah's shoulder before turning to face forward again. "We have to figure out all we can about the Kreeger foundation, and what they do. I don't want other parents' to end up in the same situation we are facing. I am so angry about all that Luke has been through, I just want to hunt the person responsible down and beat them to a pulp."

"That might help you feel better, but it won't help Luke," Noah replied mildly. "I found out some disturbing things about that place and it makes me cringe just to think about it. I haven't had a chance to look anymore though…but I think it's a de-gaying camp."

"A de-gaying camp" Holden said incredulously. Noah cautioned him to lower his voice so that they didn't alert Luke and the rest of the plane to what they were discussing. "What on earth is that supposed to mean? You can't change that part of a person even if you try."

"You think I don't know that," Noah whispered. "I'm just telling you what I saw. And I was not very pleased to see it. "

"Oh my god," Holden exclaimed, and Noah could see the wheels turning in his head. "You think that's what happened to Luke? That they beat him and shocked him into this state, so that he would push away his identity as a gay man. Noah we have to find this place and stop these people."

"What we need to do, is concentrate on Luke. Because only Luke can tell us about this place. My research is only circumspect and no one is going to take it as fact. I'm surprised I even found it…you would think that Kreeger would do a better job at hiding something like that. Anyway," Noah said sighing. "Once we help Luke, we can take what we know to the police and let them deal with Kreeger. I want to help Luke…that's all I care about at the moment, and I know you feel the same way."

Holden sighed. "I know you're right, Noah. I am just so angry. These lunatics hurt my son; and took him away from me and his family, for a year of his life that we will never get back. Look at my boy, so shattered and untrusting. I hope that in time we can repair what is broken, but for now just getting Luke back is all that matters." He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "Once we get to L.A and get settled with Abby then you can start working with Luke to try and figure all this out. I will get you whatever you need, do whatever you ask. Just please Noah help my son be whole again."

"I think," Noah said slowly, "what we are going to have to do is to get Luke to realize that it's okay to be who he is. Then again, I wonder if Luke even knows what that means anymore. I don't know how to figure out what about Luke is changed, and what is still the Luke you remember. I also don't think there will always be days like today, especially after we get to California. Only time will tell though. What are you going to do about Lily? Luke asked while we were talking. Are you just going to completely disappear? Is that what we are doing?"

"At the moment, we have no choice but to disappear completely for now. I'm sure that Lily and Damien know by now that we are gone. Hopefully Abby's will be way down on the list of places Lily would think to look. She knows how much I hate the city. I know we have a long road ahead, and that there are going to be plenty of setbacks on that road. But I will keep the faith, Noah that we can make Luke realize that there is nothing wrong with who he is."

Just then the captain came over the loudspeaker to announce that they would be reaching LAX airport fairly shortly. Noah turned his attention to Luke, gently shaking him awake to let him know they would be landing soon.

Luke opened his eyes and looked around for a moment trying to remember where he was. "Are you okay?" Noah asked placing a hand on his shoulder to steady him."

"I think so," He replied. "When we get off of here, do you think we can get something to eat? I haven't eaten anything in days…or at least I feel that way."

"It's nice to see you haven't lost your appetite," Holden commented softly. Noah held his breath waiting to see what Luke's reaction to that would be. To his surprise Luke looked at his dad and smiled sheepishly. Noah smiled too. This was in no way going to be simple, but if getting Luke away from Oakdale produced moments such as that…then it truly was worth it.

14


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

If you can pinpoint the exact moment that the world begin to shift, the minute that things changed irrevocably., the hour things stopped making sense, then you can claim to be a master at manipulating time. Time is a very precarious thing. So much so that pinpointing seconds, minutes, hours of one's life is only circumspect. It only takes a moment for everything you have ever known to change.

The lights were off in the hospital room, and they took it to mean he was sleeping. There was no sign of anyone sitting by his bedside, no glowing computer screen, and no head resting on the bar of the bed. They were shocked to find the room empty, the machines silent, and no trace of their son anywhere in sight. Had he been moved? Was he already being prepped for surgery? Had something happened that made it necessary to do so without telling them first? The nurse on duty didn't seem to know what was going on, and the doctor was inconspicuously missing.

"You're Damian Grimaldi correct?" the nurse asked politely.

"Yes."

"This was left for you," she said handing him an envelope with his name printed on it.

Damian took the missive, and thanked the woman before walking away from the front desk.

"What is it?" Lily inquired as she watched him open the envelope.

Damian took a seat in the waiting room, distracted momentarily from the search for his missing son. Lily sat beside him and together they read the note.

Dear Sir,

By the time you get this note I will be long gone. I am respecting your wishes and pulling myself out of Luke's life. Let Lily know that I have resigned from my position at the station and I will never set foot in Oakdale again. Do what you need to do to remove me from Luke's memory for I believe that would be best for him. Don't try to find me, and I will not try to contact Luke, you have my word on that. Take care of him Damian; he's going to need you.

Sincerely,

Noah.

"That is good news," Damian said folding the letter and placing it in his pocket. "That boy can't influence our son anymore."

"But Luke responded to him, Damian."

"Even he said Luke would be better off without him, Lily. I thought we were in agreement on this."

Lily pursed her lips and nodded. "I only want what's best for Luke."

"Let's go find our son," Damian said placing a hand on top of hers.

Lily was starting to get worried when they couldn't find him. They checked radiology to see if maybe he had gone for more tests. They checked the schedule for the O.R. His surgery was scheduled for that next morning. Everyone they asked didn't seem to have any answers, until finally they caught up with Dr. Hamilton.

"I was just coming to find you two," Dr. Hamilton commented. "I thought you decided to go ahead with the surgery?"

"We did," Lily said looking at Damian. It's on the schedule for tomorrow…we were just about to ask you if you have seen Luke. He's not in his room, so we wondered if there were some last minute tests we didn't' know about."

"Your son isn't scheduled for a surgery tomorrow, Mrs. Snyder."

"What do you mean we just signed all the paper work," Damian snapped.

"He can't be prepped for surgery if he is not here," Dr. Hamilton explained. "Your son is no longer in this hospital.

"Is Abby meeting us here?" Luke asked as the three men headed for the baggage claim area. "And what are we going to do about clothes and everything? I didn't see any luggage. Are we staying for a very long time or just a visit?"

"I think your dad needs to call your sister," Noah explained. "But I must say, you ask a lot of questions."

"I'm sorry," Luke frowned. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No," Noah said smiling. "I like hearing you talk, and I love that you seem to be feeling better."

"I think you have something to do with that, Noah. I feel better than I have in days…weeks even. But I know something is wrong with me…thank you for making me feel normal."

"You boys find someplace to eat," Holden said interrupting their conversation. He pulled out his wallet but Noah shook his head.

"I'll take care of the bill sir; you just give Abby a call and meet us over at the Arrival Café."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Holden said putting his wallet back in his pocket. I'll be right back."

"You don't have to thank me, Luke," Noah said resuming their conversation as they headed for the café. "As far as I am concerned you are normal. Now what would you like to eat?"

"Whatever you have I guess," Luke said frowning at the menu. "What time is it anyway?"

"Well here," Noah said looking at his watch, "it's just after midnight. It's actually after two back in Chicago. Go have a seat; I will get you something light, since you haven't really been eating anything solid."

"Okay," Luke said heading over to the table Noah had pointed out. Noah watched him sit down and a frown crossed his features as Luke folded his hands in front of him and looked around uncertainly. It was anyone's guess what he was looking for, but Noah could sense that he was still scared. He had to be called twice before he realized that it was his turn to place an order. He dared to take his eyes off of Luke for a moment, to order three sandwiches and three coffees, and water. He paid for the food and turned to watch his friend as he waited for their order.

Holden came in as he watched, and Luke visibly jumped when the older man touched his shoulder. Noah could only assume that Holden had asked about his whereabouts because Luke turned and pointed straight at him. Luke was getting fidgety and Noah deduced that it may be best to get their food and get out of there. He was still watching Luke and Holden when his order was called. He thanked the cashier and balanced the bag of sandwiches and the cup holder with the drinks as he made his way to the table.

"I'll help with that," Luke said coming toward him.

"Whoa, Luke, slow down," Noah cautioned as he handed Luke the sandwiches so he could grab the cup holder. The bag fell to the floor and Luke bent down to pick it up. "You okay?" Noah asked as Luke stood with the bag in his hands.

"I don't like it in here," Luke said looking around again as if he were searching for something. He clutched the bag tightly and Noah was concerned that he may be smashing the food.

"Luke," he said placing the drinks on a nearby table, "easy," he placed a hand on Luke's arm willing him to relax. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Holden stand and come over toward them. Holden picked up the drinks while Noah stayed focused on Luke. "No one's going to harm you here okay?" Noah whispered so only Luke could hear. "Just relax and take my hand, we're going to get out of here."

Luke loosened his grip on the sandwiches and did as he was instructed. He held tightly to Noah's hand as they followed Holden out of the café. He felt a little better once they were outside in the balmy California air. Still he held tightly to Noah's hand as Holden hailed a cab for them, and once again his friend assured him that he was going to be fine. The adventure was continuing, and Luke tried to keep that in mind as they climbed into the car.

He didn't' say much during the car ride. He didn't touch his food either. His dad and Noah ate, but he just looked out the window. He was hungry, but he was too nervous to eat anything. On one hand he was excited to see the sister he hadn't seen in ages. He missed her, and wondered how much had changed since he last saw her. He knew he was different, and that was what scared him. What would Abby think of him? Would she even like him? Would she want nothing to do with him, or think he was too weird? There were so many what ifs, and he truly didn't know if he was ready for them.

Noah glanced at his friend and frowned. He didn't regret what they were doing, not one bit; however he was worried at how much stress this was putting on Luke. He didn't have the heart to tell his friend that he was squeezing his hand just a little too hard. Noah didn't mind, he could stand the pain if it gave Luke some semblance of comfort. He was worried too about where they were going. He knew that Holden didn't foresee anything amiss about going to stay with Abby, but Noah still worried. He didn't want someone to take his place in Luke's world. He liked being Luke's center and he really didn't want that to change.

He knew it was selfish of him to think like that…after all coming to California was supposed to be about helping Luke…that was it. And if coming to see his sister was going to help, then Noah would go along with it. He figured he'd have to have a severe talk with Abby though, so that she knew what she was getting herself into.

Luke was still squeezing Noah's hand when they arrived in front of a sprawling ranch-style home. Holden paid the cabdriver as Noah helped Luke out the car. Somehow he convinced Luke to take a hold of his left hand for a moment, while he shook out the right one, attempting to get the blood flowing again.

"Sorry Noah," Luke said frowning as he watched him. "I guess I was holding on too tightly. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Don't worry about it," Noah sighed, kicking himself for allowing Luke to see that. "I'm fine; you just need to relax, okay?"

"I'm just scared," Luke admitted as they followed Holden to the door. "I don't know what to expect. Do you think I should let go of your hand? Will she think that it's weird that I want to hold on?" Luke was sincerely worried about Abby's reaction to them, and Noah didn't know what to tell him. He had no idea how Luke' sister would react.

"Let's just wait and see," Noah said squeezing Luke's hand as Holden knocked on the door. A few minutes passed before footsteps could be heard coming to the door. No sooner had the door opened then Luke hid behind Noah, peeking out like a kid hiding behind his father's legs. Noah kept his gaze forward, taking in the sight of the petite girl with light brown hair.

"Oh you can't hide from me, Luke Snyder," the girl laughed as she went right around Noah and pulled Luke into a bear hug. "Who gave you permission to grow taller than me," she said when she pulled back to look at him."

Noah watched Luke pull away completely and bow his head. "I'm sorry," he said, backing away until he was by Noah's side again.

"It's okay Luke," Noah tried to soothe. "She's not blaming you for anything, are you?" he looked pointedly at Abby. He was aware that his words sounded a lot harsher then he intended them to, but he was in defensive mode and Luke's feelings were all he cared about at the moment.

"No," Abby answered immediate. "I'm not blaming Luke at all. Luke," she said focusing her eyes on her brother, "it has been so long since I last saw you and you have grown into a very handsome young man. Do you think maybe your favorite big sister could have a hug?"

"I already gave you a hug," Luke said not budging from his spot beside Noah.

"Maybe we should all head inside," Holden spoke up, ushering everyone in so they could close and lock Abby's door.

"Dad," Abby said turning to her father, "Maybe you better tell me what's going on, and why Luke is so scared to have me hug him. And furthermore, who is the guy he is attached at the hip to? I don't think I have ever met him?"

"His name is Noah," Luke announced, before retreating back into his shell. "Sorry, you weren't speaking to me."

"Luke, you have nothing to be sorry for," Abby said softly. "I am just trying to figure out who he is, so I can welcome him properly. No need to get upset."

"He's…he's my friend," Luke said shyly. "You will welcome him right Abby. I don't think I can do this without him?"

"Of course Noah is welcome here," Abby assured him. "Any friend of yours is always welcome here. Now why don't we go into the living room where we can get comfortable and you guys can explain what's going on and how I can help."

"Is it really late here?" Luke asked Noah as they followed Abby into the living room. Noah checked his watch and shook his head in answer to Luke's query.

"It's just after 1 in the morning, Luke. Just an hour past when we got off the plane."

"Oh, Okay," Luke said yawning.

"Come on, have a seat," Noah said pulling him over to the couch. Luke sat down and Noah sat beside him. Abby sat in one of the chairs, while Holden took the recliner. "Is this going to take long," Noah asked. "He's tired and it's been a long day."

"You know what, Dad can fill me in on the basics, and then tomorrow morning, when we are all fresh, we can sit down and talk about what is going on, and how I can help. Luke, how about I fix up my guest room for you and Noah. And dad," she said turning her attention to her father, "We can work out your sleeping arrangements in a little bit."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Holden agreed. "I know Luke is exhausted, and Noah will take care of him. Just tell them where to go, and then you and I can talk."

"Just don't talk about me," Luke said yawning again. He let go of Noah's hand and rubbed his eyes, yawning once more.

"Someone's still on Central time," Noah chuckled. "Just tell me where everything is, Abby, I don't' mind setting up and getting him to bed."

"The linens on the bed are fresh so you won't have to change those. Let me get an extra blanket for you, and then you guys should be all set. I hope you don't mind sleeping in the same bed, but I only have the one guest room, sorry."

"That's alright," Noah said pulling Luke to his feet. "We'll figure out. It was nice meeting you Abby, have a good night." Luke looked at Abby over his shoulder as Noah led him away, but he didn't say anything. He was still a little spooked.

Holden frowned as he watched his son and Noah walk away. It was already obvious to him that this was going to be harder then he thought. "So," he said turning to Abby, "how have you been?"

"Okay, Dad," Abby said facing her father head on. "I'm good, things are going well here, but you didn't bring Luke and Noah out here to see how I'm doing." She waited a beat before continuing. "Tell me what's going on, please. I want to know what happened to my happy go lucky little brother, who now is hiding behind someone and won't meet my eyes."

"A lot has changed since you left, Abby," Holden explained with a sigh. "I'm not even sure where to start, but it's needless to say that Luke's life has altered significantly, especially with in the past year, and actually we're trying to figure out what's wrong with him. He was away from us for a year, and originally, I thought he was in rehab, but it's becoming quite apparent that wasn't the case. They wanted to do brain surgery on him back home, but his problem isn't physical, and frankly, Abby I don't think Luke could handle another surgery and Noah and I agreed that we couldn't put him through that."

"But Dad, what are you hoping to accomplish by bringing him to L.A."

"This is the last place Lily would think to look," Holden explained. "Besides I thought you could be good for him, because you don't have any expectations of how he should be acting. And besides that I miss you…and I miss him. I thought this trip could help us both."

"I have missed you too," Abby admitted sadly. "And I have to say that I don't like the Luke who came in here tonight. That's not my brother who came in here and I want him back. I will do everything I can to help. You are so right; this is the last place Lily will look for you."

"Just don't let Luke hear you say that, okay? I think you and Noah are going to be the ones he trusts. At least I am hoping he will be able to trust you. Me not so much. I'm still trying to understand what's going on in my son's head…he's not the boy I raised anymore, and if Noah is correct about where he was sent…then someone is going to have a lot of explaining to do.

"What do you mean by that, Dad?" Abby asked a frown crossing her lips. "Where has Luke been and why doesn't he trust you anymore?"

"I don't know why he doesn't' trust me, but if Noah's reaction is any indication, my son believes that I sent him away. As I already told you, I thought Luke was in Rehab but there seems to be a whole cover up here, Abby. And that's what Noah and I are trying to figure out. It would seem that Luke sent letters telling us he wanted to come home…but these were letters we never got. And the letters he received from me…" Holden trailed off and shook his head. "It's all a big mess. Have you ever heard of the Kreeger foundation?"

"No, I don't think so. Who is this Kreeger person? And more importantly what can I do to help?"

"There are a few things you can do actually," Holden said his expression thoughtful. "In fact you are helping out a lot by offering us your home, so thank you. Luke is going to need all the help we can give him, so I am hoping that being around you will help some…though now I see he is as apprehensive around you as he was about girls back home."

"Maybe it's just because he's tired," Abby suggested. "After all it has been an eventful day. Do you think being around Noah is a help or a hindrance?"

"Noah has been a godsend ever since Luke came home," Holden explained. "The fact that we are even here, and that Luke spoke to you at all, is all thanks to Noah. We definitely don't want to try to distance him from Noah."

""Okay, Dad," Abby conceded. "I'll take your word for it, but I am going to watch him, and if he seems to not be helping I will call him on it."

"Thanks Abby. Do you have any other questions for me? Or can we talk more in the morning?"

"Oh gosh, Dad. I am so sorry; I don't know what I was thinking. You must be exhausted; anything else can wait till morning. Let me get you a blanket and you can sleep here on the couch tonight. Tomorrow I will go and get a couple of inflatable mattresses for you and Noah."

Holden pulled his daughter up and enveloped her in a tight bear hug. "I've missed you so much," he said pulling her away so he could look at her. "Don't worry about me, just go get some sleep…and we'll talk tomorrow. And thank you."

"Dad, you know I love you right? I have missed you too, and now I can see just how much I have missed with my brother, and that makes me very sad. We'll work this out, Dad. I promise."

Holden pulled his daughter in for another hug and held her there for a long moment. He felt that he had made the right decision in bringing Luke out here. Maybe it would be a good move for all of them. He pressed his lips against his daughter's forehead and took her hands into his. "I hope you're right Abby. But either way, I want you to know I'm proud of you…now go to bed. We have a lot of years to make up for, and we have to be able to help Luke. I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night, dad. I love you."

Holden watched his daughter walk toward her bedroom and he sighed. For a moment his eyes wandered to the guest room, and he decided it wouldn't hurt to check on the boys. He quietly went over to the door and poked his head in, smiling at the sight before him. His son was wrapped in the blanket while Noah was lying on top of it. Noah was turned slightly with his arm wrapped around Luke like a shield protecting him from harm.

It was dark when Luke opened his eyes and felt a heavy weight against his chest. His first instinct was to panic, but there was something almost familiar about the touch. His eyes quickly adjusted to the light, as he tried to figure out where he was. The shadows in the room didn't look familiar. He frowned and closed his eyes trying to return back to sleep. It was safer there, and he could feel the fear creeping up, trying to overtake him. "There's nothing to be afraid of," He muttered to himself, "Nothing to be afraid of." He wanted to believe that, but he didn't know where he was.

The panic began when sleep wouldn't claim him. His eyes were closed but he wasn't finding that comfortable void…there was just more darkness and that led to fear. He didn't know where he was, this bed wasn't familiar to him at all and the shadows…they were strange…he didn't like them. He shifted in the bed, the heavy weight tightening around him causing him to struggle before he realized that it was Noah.

"Noah," He called as he continued to shift. His hands came up ready to push Noah's arm away, but at the same time he didn't want Noah too far from him. "Noah," he called again, moving away from Noah enough to shake him. "Please Noah, wake up. Noah!"

Noah could hear the urgency in h is friend's voice and he opened his eyes. He could barely make out his friend's head as it moved from side to side, as if Luke were trying to see something in the darkness.

"Noah," Luke called again. "NOAH!"

"Luke, what's wrong?" Noah asked, trying to grab Luke's attention. "I'm here."

"Noah," Luke called still looking around unseeing.

"Luke, focus," Noah said moving so he was sitting up in the bed, his hands darting out to capture Luke's face. "Calm down…I'm right here."

"I don't know where I am," Luke said once he managed to catch his breath. "And why can't I see you?"

"Shhh, Luke it's okay," Noah soothed. Open your eyes and focus on me. I'm right in front of you."

Luke let out a deep breath and opened his eyes, allowing them to focus on the dark figure before him. "Oh good, you're here." He breathed.

"Yes, I'm here," Noah said softly. "Now can you tell me what's wrong?" Noah allowed his hands to fall from Luke's cheeks, resting instead on his shoulders as he waited for a response.

"Where are we?" Luke frowned. "I don't know where we are."

"We're at Abby's, Luke. Remember we got here late last night. Your sister put us in the guest room so we could get some rest. Its okay, Luke. You're okay, and I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

"Luke was looking at him blankly and he shook his head. Something Noah had said just didn't make any sense to him. "We're at my sister's house?" he asked, trying to understand what Noah was saying.

"That's right?"

"But, Noah, my sister lives in California…and I haven't seen her in years. Why would we be at her house?"

"Your mom and Damien want to allow the doctors to do brain surgery on you," Noah explained, "But your dad and I didn't think that was in your best interest. So we checked you out and brought you out here to spend some time with Abby. She was really happy to see you last night, and she wants to help you get better."

Luke heard the words but they still didn't make much sense. "I don't want brain surgery. I remember the doctor asking if he could fix my brain," he said frowning. That scared me, but I don't remember the rest. I don't remember again."

"Its okay, Luke," Noah tried to soothe, even though he was starting to worry himself. "Just relax. Your dad and I aren't going to let them anywhere near you to do that surgery. I think with time and us working together, we can help you to be okay. I need you to trust me, Abby and your dad in order to do that though."

"I…I do trust you, Noah, but why can't I remember?"

"I'm not sure why you can't remember," Noah said honestly. "But we are going to work together to figure it out. We'll help you recover your memory."

"I'm sorry, Noah," Luke sighed and put his head down.

"Why are you sorry, Luke?" Noah asked his tone full of patience. "You have nothing to apologize for."

"You left everything in Oakdale to come out here to help me," Luke explained. What if you can't figure out what's wrong? Then it was all for nothing."

"No, Luke," Noah shook his head. "You and I are going to figure it out, together, and we will get you well."

"Is Abby nice," Luke asked switching gears. He scrunched up his nose and shook his head. "I should remember if my sister is nice. Maybe I do need help," he sighed.

"You haven't seen your sister in many years from what I understand, so I don't expect you to know whether she is nice or not," Noah retorted. "She was very happy to see you when we got here last night. We all just want to see you well, and as close to your old self as you can be."

Luke nodded as he allowed Noah's words to sink in. He was trying to piece together the events of the past few days and there were things he needed to ask about. "Noah…can I ask you something?"

"Sure, Luke. You can ask me anything."

Luke bit his lip for a moment, trying to figure out the best way to approach the question. "Did you…I mean did we," he frowned. "Did I kiss you or something?"

Noah was startled by the question but he recovered quickly. "I kissed you when you were in the hospital...just the one time. We slept here in the same bed because Abby only has one guest room. Nothing happened, Luke, we just slept and I will say that is the most restful sleep you have had in weeks."

"Yeah?" Luke asked his voice laced with awe.

"Yeah," Noah said a soft smile crossing his lips. "You were so peaceful. I could have slept on the floor, but I didn't think you would mind if I slept on the bed. Do you mind? If you do, I will figure out other sleeping arrangements."

"You slept with me before…I think," Luke said stretching his memory back as far as it would go. "I like you being there."

"Oh yeah? Why do you think that is?"

Luke frowned. "Should I not like it? I guess I shouldn't. I'm sorry, Noah, I would try to sleep on my own but I…you are more um…you make me feel safe."

"There is absolutely nothing wrong with you liking having another person in your bed," Noah assured him. "I am glad that I make you feel safe. I don't want that to change. I will keep you safe, Luke, don't ever doubt that."

"I can't ask you to do that, Noah. It doesn't seem right."

"You aren't asking," Noah countered. "As long as you need me I will be here. If you need me to hold you, so you feel safe at night, then I will be there. All you have to do is ask."

"That's so confusing."

"Why is that," Noah inquired.

Luke shrugged. "Just something I learned. His frown deepened as Noah's words waged war with what he had been taught while he was away.

"Luke," Noah's voice intruded on his thoughts, "there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help or comfort. Who taught you that?"

Luke shook his head, a pained expression crossing his face. "You can't send me back there, Noah. It hurts there."

"I'm not sending you back anywhere, Luke," Noah soothed. "Not the foundation, not even back to Oakdale. I will protect you. That I promise you. If you need me to hold you, or comfort you in any way all you have to do is ask." He paused for a moment, wondering just how honest he should be. "I like holding you; it makes me feel like I am doing a little something to take away your pain."

Luke frowned. "Maybe you can help me then," he said thoughtfully. "I…I need to work on being what my dad wants…I have to be straight, but I've tried to pull that off and I don't know if I can. And it's not fair, because…I don't know how to feel anymore. But you make me want to…feel I mean. I think that confuses me too."

Noah wasn't quite sure how to respond to that. He knew he needed to help Luke understand…but where to start? Everything Luke was saying made him even angrier about the foundation and he couldn't wait to continue his research about it. "Luke," he said finally, making sure his friend was focused on him, "there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling what you are feeling. Your dad doesn't care whether you are straight or gay."

"How do you know that for sure?" Luke protested."

"I know that for a fact, Luke," Noah said pressing a finger to Luke's lips. "He took me in and treated me like his own son, and he knew right up front that I was gay. I don't want you to be confused, but just know there is nothing at all wrong with having feelings for me."

Luke shook his head. "I don't know what those feelings are though," he said the frustration clear in his voice. "And if I try to think about them, then it's going to hurt me." He looked around then, needing to make sure they were truly alone before he spoke again. "If they even think I'm looking at guys again, then they will come and teach me a lesson. They've done that before…a few times, especially when they isolated me." He frowned. "I think it's supposed to make it painful, so you won't want to do it…." He scrunched his nose and covered his mouth as he realized he was running off his mouth yet again.

Noah reached up and pulled Luke's hands away from his mouth and held them tightly as he spoke. "Don't be afraid to say what you are thinking, Luke. No one here is going to punish you for saying what's on your mind, or how you feel. I don't know who these people are that hurt you that way, but if I ever get my hands on them they will be very, very sorry they ever touched you."

It was hard to tell who was more startled by the movements that followed. Their fingers untangled, and their arms; Noah's wrapped around Luke's waist, and Luke's twined around Noah's neck and he buried his head in his shoulder, holding on tightly.

Damian stood with his jaw set as he watched Lily make phone calls. She was on her third, and he was growing slightly annoyed with every negative response they received. It seemed that Luke had been checked out of the hospital by Holden…but that was all they knew. The man had seemingly disappeared off the face of the earth. His own mother didn't seem to know where he was. Lily had called Aaron and Meg as well, but neither of them knew where Holden could have gone. Lily was running out of options, and Damian was running out of patience.

"Well?" he asked as Lily hung up her phone once more.

"Iva hasn't seen or heard from Holden in a while," she said with a sigh. "She said if she hears from him she will let us know."

"This is unacceptable, Lily. How does someone just disappear?"

"I don't know, Damian, but stop snapping at me. I'm just as worried as you are about Luke. But I'm certain he is okay with Holden…wherever he is."

"Our son needs to have surgery…and he is in serious danger with that fool of a husband of yours," Damian charged. "Luciano is not safe with that man. Your husband may have just killed him."

"Don't say that," Lily said tears filling her eyes. "Holden wouldn't let any harm come to Luke, Damian."

"He already did when he took him out of the hospital, Lily. We have to find him…and fast. This surgery was the best chance to save him, what was Holden thinking."

Lily frowned, she was frustrated and sad...her baby boy, her first born was missing, and the last thing she felt like doing was placing blame. "I don't think Holden would hurt Luke Damian. He loves that boy; he has loved Luke since the day he was born. We should have listened to him, and paid more attention to his fears. Holden is just trying to protect Luke in his own way."

"By taking him out of the hospital when he is sick?"

"He's not sick, Damian," Lily protested. "I'm not convinced that there is anything wrong with my baby. Nothing besides what we caused by sending him to that place."

"Shhh, keep your voice down, Lily. You agreed that I had made the right decision on that, and you were all aboard."

"I know," Lily said her frown deepening. "I know this is just so messed up, Damian. I think we made a mistake."

Damian pulled Lily into his arms and tried to comfort her. "We will find Luciano, Lily and we will make sure he is well. We have to wait 24 hours before we can declare him missing…and that might prove difficult since Holden has legal right to him. I will figure out something. Did you give your mother a call? Maybe she has seen or hears from Holden?"

Lily pulled away and pulled out her phone to dial Lucinda's number. In her mind she was thinking it was a lost cause. A mother always knows when something is wrong with her child…and she could feel in her gut that she wasn't ever going to see her precious boy again. And if that was the case…then it was her fault, and she knew that too.

He was quiet as he moved toward the kitchen. His dad was sleeping on the couch, and the other bedroom door was still closed. He assumed that room belonged to Abby, and she was still sleeping too. Noah was looking something up on the computer, so he was left to his own devices at the moment.

He took a moment to look through the cupboard until he found a glass and made his way to the refrigerator. He smiled when he found a carton of orange juice toward the back. That would work just fine. His eyes glanced over the contents of the fridge as he grabbed the carton and balanced the glass in his hand while opening the carton. Finally he was set to pour the juice into the glass. He felt a sense of triumph having conquered the task on his own.

"Hey Luke, what are you up to."

The glass and the carton fell to the ground as Luke jumped at the sound of the voice. He heard the glass shatter on the floor and the sticky juice splashed on his feet as he turned to see his sister standing behind him. "Um," he said moving away from the mess so he could close the refrigerator door. "I'm sorry, Abby, I was just trying to get some juice and now I've made a mess. I'll clean it up if you just tell me where the paper towels are."

"Luke, stop," Abby said softly. "It's okay. It's just a little juice. No big deal."

"Oh, okay," Luke said, though he was still uncertain about her response.

"Are you okay, sweetie? I didn't mean to scare you. I just saw you standing there looking so happy with yourself, I wondered what you were up to," Abby explained. "It was the same look you used to have as a kid when you had figured out a way to get what you wanted."

"Oh," Luke said, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. "I was just glad I got the carton open, and managed to balance the glass at the same time."

"Be careful there, Little brother," Abby warned. "Let me get the brook to sweep up the broken glass. I don't want you to get cut." Luke watched as she made quick work of the glass and the juice and discarded both glass and napkins into the trash. "There, now all better. Why don't you grab a stool at the bar, and I will get you a glass of juice. Then you can tell me what you want for breakfast."

Luke pulled out a stool and took a seat, watching as his sister poured a fresh glass of orange juice and placed it in front of him. He didn't really know what he wanted for breakfast. Noah had told him he wasn't really eating solid foods yet, so he wasn't certain how his stomach would react to food. He didn't even touch the sandwich Noah had purchased. "Well," he said as he thought about it. "I think eggs would be okay. Noah said I needed to eat something light. And I need to take my medicine."

"Eggs it is then," Abby said jumping off her stool. "I will add some fruit on the side for you to nibble on, and some toast too." As she spoke she moved around the kitchen, getting the eggs out of the fridge and the frying pan from beneath the sink. She pulled out the fruit, a large knife and some bread as well. "Do you have your medicine with you? What are you taking medication for? Dad didn't go into a lot of details last night. He only said you guys needed a place to stay and help you get well. What's wrong little brother? I want to help you get well too."

"Well," Luke said trying to choose his words carefully. "I…I have to take medicine for my kidney transplant, and I think Noah put it in his bag. As for what's wrong with me. I don't really think I could explain that very well. Noah said I just needed to get out of the hospital, and he is probably right because I don't like them. And my brain is just a little confused on things."

"Oh Luke, it's alright, sorry about that," Abby frowned. "I didn't mean to overwhelm you. I'm just glad you are here and I get to spend some time with you and Dad. I have really missed you guys. So you are not sure what is going on that Dad checked you out of the hospital and brought you out here?"

"Noah said that they wanted to get me away from the hospital, because mom and Damian wanted them to operate on me." As he explained Abby placed a plate of eggs in front of him. He picked up his fork and took a bite and swallowed before continuing. "The doctor told me he wanted to fix my brain, but I didn't want them to cut me open again. Noah said that Mom and Damian were going to go through with the procedure anyway so he and Dad brought me out here to figure out how to help me. Noah is always on his computer looking up stuff, and that's what he's doing now actually. He had to explain what happened yesterday because I didn't remember when I woke up."

"Tell me about Noah," Abby inquired as she ate her own eggs. "You seem pretty dependent on him for a lot of things. Has he hurt you in any way?"

Luke frowned as he continued to eat his eggs. He wasn't sure why Abby would ask him something like that. "Noah is my best friend," He said a smile crossing his face. "He was living with my parents when I came home in July and he's been nothing but nice to me since I met him. I don't know what I would have done the past few weeks without Noah here to help me."

"Sorry Luke, I didn't mean to upset you," Abby sighed. "It's just that I am not used to seeing you so dependent on someone else. Everything you have said is "Noah Says" and that just really scares me. It's like you don't know anything other than what Noah tells you. How can you be sure that Noah is telling you the truth?"

"Noah is the only person who hasn't lied to me," Luke insisted, even as he frowned again. Was he really too dependent on Noah? Did Noah mind that? Should he back off a little bit…and give Noah space to breathe? He wasn't sure if he could do that, but if it needed to be done…he'd have to ask Noah about it. "Do you think I am too dependent on Noah?"

"Oh sweetie, that's not at all what I think. I'm just not used to you not knowing what's going on, and it kind of threw me," she explained. "Noah has been very respectful since he got here, and until he gives me a reason not to trust him, I will go with whatever you and Dad say. But mind you, I will be watching and if I see or hear something I don't like I will tell you and call him on it."

Luke nodded and focused on his breakfast. He would talk to Noah later; he didn't want to do anything that would make Noah mad at him. "I'll try to be better about that, Abby. I'm sorry." He pushed his plate away and slid off the stool. "Thank you for the breakfast. I think I'm going to go back to my room now." He heard his sister call his name but he didn't turn around. He kept his head lowered and went back to the room where Noah was still working on his computer. He sat down on the bed and watched his friend work. Noah seemed to be really concentrating on something and Luke frowned when he didn't lift his head even to acknowledge his presence. Luke was curious to know what Noah was looking up, but he didn't want to ask. It probably wasn't polite, nor was it any of Luke's business. And that was if Noah would even tell him.

Abby's words worried him, and the more he thought about it the more he figured he probably was doing something wrong. He did lean on Noah quite heavily…did he mind that…and he just didn't want to say? Would Abby try to send Noah away unless he tried to distance himself some? That thought didn't make Luke very happy. What if Abby was right and Noah wasn't telling the truth at all. What if he left?

"Noah, please say you won't leave," he said breaking the silence and startling his friend who finally looked up from the computer screen. "You said you weren't going to go anywhere…right? You weren't kidding about that were you?"

"Luke," Noah said putting the computer aside and focusing on his friend. "What happened? I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere unless you tell me to."

"But I don't' want you to go," Luke said sadly. "I want you to stay, but you won't because you think I'm too dependent on you and I'm sorry for that. I don't mean to be, I swear. And if you need me to back off just say so, because I don't want to do something that would make me lose my best friend, because I don't think I could deal with that at all and I can't do this by myself, Noah…I can't."

"Luke, calm down," Noah said reaching out to touch Luke's shoulders. His friend moved out of his grasp which made him frown. "I don't think you are too dependent on me…what gave you that idea? I care about you, Luke, if it ever gets to be too much I will tell you. I promise, but I don't think it will ever get to that point. I would never leave you to do this on your own."

"Are you sure," Luke asked his eyes wide as he looked at his friend. "I don't' want to do something that will make you mad at me, Noah. You...you help me remember things, and you show me how to do things, but that's not bad." He sighed. "I'm sorry, I know I probably sound like a little kid and I should start acting my age but don't' you see you are like my whole world right now and I don't understand anything else except that I want you here…and I want you to help me, because I know I can trust you even if Abby is worried that I can't."

"What do you mean Abby said you can't trust me." Noah's voice caused Luke to start and he grabbed a hold of the blanket as he watched Noah. "Who the hell does she think she is? I am the one who has been by your side making sure you get what you need, not letting those stupid doctors cut on you when you don't need it. Where does she get off saying that I can't be trusted? I am going to go have a little chat with your sister. Why don't you stay here and rest, I will be back in just a bit okay."

"I'm sorry, Noah."

"Don't worry, though I can already see that you are, Luke," Noah said touching his friend's cheek. "I'm not mad at you, Luke. I'm just a little upset at your sister. Maybe coming here wasn't the best option."

Noah gave Luke's shoulder another squeeze before heading out the room in search for Abby. "What did you say to him?" he asked when he finally found her in the kitchen.

"Excuse me?"

"To Luke," Noah clarified. "What did you say to him to get him all worked up and upset?"

"Look, Noah," Abby said placing the dish rag on the counter, "Luke is my brother and I love him. I am worried about him. The young man who had breakfast with me this morning is not my little brother. He is scared of his own shadow and afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. In the span of 10 minutes I heard "Noah says" at least a dozen times. I asked him about you, and why he feels so dependent on you. I didn't mean to upset him. I'm just trying to figure all of this out."

"Well you did," Noah snapped. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Look. Luke has been through a lot since he came home, and we just learned that between July of last year and July of this year he was in a place that wasn't treating him very well. They messed with his brain, and we're still trying to work out how to help fix the damage that was caused. What that means is that right now anything you say to him you have to be very careful how you put it. Otherwise he picks up on one word and starts to think that he's doing something wrong. He's very fragile right now and you can't just go telling him that's too dependent on me. Right now I'm the only one he trusts, and if he feels like you are a threat to that he won't trust you."

"What do you mean they didn't treat him well?" Abby asked frowning. "Where was he? And I'm not trying to be anything but the best sister I can be to Luke. I love him." Noah could tell that she was sincere, but it didn't stop him from narrowing his eyes and crossing his arms. He couldn't let her off the hook completely…he had to look out for Luke. "I would never, ever hurt him," Abby7 continued. "You have to understand, Noah that I don't know you or anything about you, and for Luke to be so dependent on you or anyone else is not healthy. I hope that you understand that I want to do everything I can to help my brother, but I won't let you or anyone else tell me not to interfere. That is where I draw the line in the sand. So don't think even for a minute that if I see something I don't like I won't open my mouth and say so. Are we clear, Noah? I don't know anything at all about you. To me you are a complete stranger who seems to know more about my brother than even he does."

"If you want to know about me then ask me, Abby," Noah railed. "I would be more than happy to tell you about my life, all of it if it would make you feel better. But don't you dare stand there and threaten me when it comes to Luke. I have done nothing but care for him ever since I met him, and if you must know he is my best friend and I care deeply for him. I am the one who has been helping him. It was me who sat by his bedside and held his hand in the hospital when he had to go through the tests, and it's me who is able to get him to calm down when he's freaked out. Me, Abby, and whether you want to realize it or not I happen to care about Luke too, and I don't want anything bad to happen to him. But when you tell him he's too dependent on me, it makes him think he did something wrong, so I'm telling you to stop doing that."

"I just don't want to see my brother dependent on anyone, not you, not me not Dad," Abby insisted. "That's not Luke. Luke is the happy go lucky one that everyone loves. He makes everyone smile and loves unconditionally. I don't know what happened to him, and I am very upset that he has had to go through all of this. I am trying to do the right thing here, Noah. I wasn't trying to turn Luke against you. I just need to know that you are the right one to be helping him. I love my brother, and if you can't see that, then you are blinder then I thought."

"You sure have a funny way of showing it," Noah retorted.

"I want my brother back, and how am I to know that you won't fill him full of lies about me to make yourself look better and keep him depending on you, instead of standing on his own two feet."

"Are you kidding me?" Noah said incredulously. Neither of them heard a third person enter the room, as they were focusing completely on each other. "You really think I am out to hurt Luke? Would I have convinced him that you were a nice person if I was really out to harm him? Would I had sat with him this morning when he woke up not knowing where we were if I had a hidden agenda. I get that you love your brother but maybe you don't understand me. I CARE ABOUT HIM TOO, and the minute you start to get that through your head the better off we will be. For the record I want Luke to stand on his own two feet. I want him to be okay, and I want him to feel like he is in control of what happens. Luke wants me here, and I won't leave him."

"You can't leave, Noah," Luke said startling both Noah and Abby with his presence. He came over quickly and stood beside Noah grabbing a hold of his arm. "Noah has no reason to lie to me," He said facing his sister head on. "He is the one who told me you were nice, and he said you wanted to help me. But yelling at Noah is not going to help."

"Luke you have to understand that I know nothing about Noah," Abby tried to explain to her brother. "To me it looks like he is telling you what he wants you to know and I am just trying to make sure that he is not going to completely alienate you from your family. I do want to help you and I respect that you are leaning on Noah, but don't you think maybe you could lean on me too?"

"He hasn't alienated me from the family, Abby," Luke said frowning. "It's not Noah's fault I don't trust anyone. I've just been through a lot and it has been family that put me through it. I…I don't even trust dad, but Noah has been trying to help me with that. And if you want me to trust you then you have to trust me. If you don't I will leave, and then you'll never be able to find me."

:"Luke, stop that."

"I'm serious, Noah," Luke said turning to face his best friend. "If Abby won't let me be close to you then I don't want to be here. I thought you were taking me somewhere where people didn't want to hurt me anymore."

Noah sighed and glared at Abby momentarily before facing Luke. He placed his hands on Luke's cheeks and pressed their foreheads together. Holden entered the kitchen at that moment and came to stand by his daughter while Noah spoke. "No one is going to hurt you as long as I am here, Luke. Do you understand that?"

Luke nodded and bit his lip."

"Good. And you know that I am not going to let anyone take advantage of you, nor will I take advantage of you…right?"

"But, Abby," Luke started. He was stopped by Noah's lips brushing against his softly.

"Abby only wants what is best for you, Luke; she cares about you, just like I do."

"And Dad?"

"Yes, your dad too. We all care about you, and we only want what's best. And you can't run away from me…okay? I couldn't stand that, and I know you don't want to make me sad, right."

"No I don't want to make you sad," he said pulling away so he could look into Noah's eyes. "You aren't mad at me are you?"

"No Luke, not mad. And I'm not leaving," Noah added before Luke could voice his next question. "I told you I'd be here for you and I'm going to stick to that. Remember what I told you earlier?"

"Yeah, I actually remember that," Luke said smiling.

"Okay, good," Noah said smiling as he pulled Luke close one more time. "I'm going to take care of you, okay? Always."

Luke impulsively wrapped his arms around Noah and ducked his head into his shoulder. He held on tight, and Noah completed the hug, resting his chin in Luke's soft blond hair.

Holden placed a hand on Abby's shoulder and motioned for her to take a seat at the bar. He then walked over to Noah and placed a hand on his shoulder as well. Noah pulled away from Luke and led him over to an empty stool. They took their seats, but Luke refused to let go of Noah's hand. Holden sat and looked around at them as they waited to see what he had to say.

"Can someone tell me what's going on in here?" he asked facing his daughter first. "I could hear you guys screaming…is everything okay?"

"I'm sorry, Dad," Abby sighed. "This is all my fault. I upset Luke this morning when we were having breakfast, because I questioned his dependency on Noah. It just felt wrong to me, so I said something and Luke got up and left and went to find Noah, I assume. Noah came in here to confront me about it and things escalated from there."

"Actually, Luke just came back to the room and sat down," Noah corrected. "I'm not really sure how long he was sitting there before he actually spoke to me and told me not to leave him."

"I think it was an hour later or something," Luke piped up, trying to help. "It's my fault, Dad. I didn't mean to make Noah and Abby mad at each other. I was just afraid she would make Noah leave."

"IT's my fault, sir," Noah said sighing. "I was just angry because Luke was upset and it took me a little time to calm him down and convince him I wasn't going anywhere. I know Abby didn't mean any harm but Luke is my first priority."

"See, Abby," Luke said smiling. "He does care about me."

"I can see that, Luke," Abby admitted softly. "I'm very sorry Noah. I love my brother very much, and I am not used to the Luke that is sitting here with us right now. Can we work together to help Luke get better? I will work with you, if you are willing to work with me."

"Just remember that the Luke you know is still here," Noah said squeezing his best friend's hand. "He just needs to know that he's allowed to come out." A soft smile crossed his lips as Luke gave him a bewildered look. It seemed his best friend had caught the double meaning of the statement. "I will work with you, Abby…and I am sorry. I know you care about Luke too."

"As do I," Holden agreed. And I know we actually need to tell you what's going on, Abby. I'm sure Noah can fill you in on all he has found out. For now you and I have to follow Noah's lead…okay? He's the one Luke listens to."

"I understand, Dad," Abby nodded as she watched her brother and Noah interact. "Noah, Luke, I'm so sorry for reacting the way I did. I will do whatever you need me to do to help Luke get better and come back to us. Don't be afraid to be yourself here Luke. I love you and will never judge you."

"Okay," Luke said shyly as he rested his head on Noah's shoulder. Noah placed an arm around him and looked at Holden and Abby. "I think he's had enough excitement already, so I will take him to our room so he can rest. Did you take your medicine?" he asked Luke.

"No, it's in your bag, I think," Luke said frowning against Noah's shoulder.

"Okay, go wait for me in the room, and I will get some juice so you can take it."

Luke slipped off the stool and headed out the room without another word. Noah watched him leave and then turned to face Abby and Holden. "I'm going to go make sure he takes his medicine, and then I want to talk to you guys…so I'll be back."

"I'm just trying to understand, Dad," Abby was saying when Noah returned to the kitchen. "So, Noah is gay and Luke is gay…but Luke was sent to some place that wanted to make him straight? That sounds like something right out of a science fiction novel or something."

"Unfortunately it's all too real to be fiction," Noah stated as he reclaimed his seat. "From everything Luke has told me over the past few weeks and all the information I found online…we're actually very lucky that Luke can be helped."

"Is it that bad, Noah?" Holden asked frowning. "I know you were looking into the Kreeger foundation. What else did you find out about it?"

"I was online this morning actually, and this Kreeger guy is indeed very slick. On the home page it appears to be a simple camp for teenagers. There are pictures of kids swimming and going boating and there are even horses. Everything needed to make the place look appealing and fun."

"But, I don't get it," Abby said shaking her head. "Why was Luke sent there? And who sent him there? Why would someone want to change Luke? And why doesn't he trust Dad? Dad you and Luke were always close…I just don't understand any of this."

"That's what we're trying to figure out, Abby," Noah intoned. "We want to answer all your questions, and our own questions. And we have to do that first before we can fully help Luke. In the mean time I can urge him to trust you both, but just understand that it's not as easy as it sounds. And there will be setbacks."

"What kind of setbacks?" Abby asked frowning.

Noah turned to Holden for a moment but his words were directed at both of them. "Luke doesn't remember much after Doctor Hamilton told him he wanted to fix his brain."

"You mean he doesn't' remember the plane ride or the time he spent in the Arrival Café?" Holden inquired.

"I think he remembers our conversation," Noah clarified. "I mean he recalls me telling him that I wouldn't take him somewhere where someone would hurt him. He doesn't remember the events though…he was very disoriented when he woke up this morning and didn't remember where we were."

'Are you sure we shouldn't take him to a doctor?" Abby asked her voice laced with concern. "We should really have him looked at, if he was supposed to have surgery."

"That's that last thing we need to do," Noah shook his head vehemently. "Luke would feel so betrayed if we took him to a doctor or a hospital right now. Even talking about it is a risk, because believe me he hears us even when we think he can't. Right now he's sleeping so we can talk…but don't mention doctors to him. He has not had good experiences with them, especially not at the Kreeger foundation, or the last time he was in the hospital."

"The last time"" Abby asked. "You mean just before you guys came here? I thought the doctors at Memorial were pretty great…isn't Bob still there?"

"Yes, Bob is still around Abby. But what Noah is talking about is a different hospital stay. Apparently Luke was in the hospital prior to him coming home to us. Noah hasn't been able to learn too much about that yet."

"Except that I know the doctors must have done something to him there too" Noah said frowning. "Luke just hasn't had the best time…but I think together we can help him."

"How"" Abby asked, looking between her dad and Noah. "How do we make my little brother normal again?"

"Let's start by not letting hear you say that," Noah pointed out. "Luke feels weird enough on his own without us adding to it by saying he's not normal. He's still Luke…we just have to help him with some things. And hopefully help him get his writing ability back. The electroshock therapy played havoc on his cognitive functions."

"Why are you doing this?" Abby asked. "I mean what do you have to gain from helping my little brother? As you said yourself you don't even know him."

"Because, I…" Noah started and stopped as he realized what he was about to say. The words were on the tip of his tongue and he couldn't believe he was about to admit them here. He wasn't even truly sure that he knew what it all meant, except that he knew it was true. The feelings he had, the sense of protectiveness he felt, and the genuine fear in his heart every time something happened to Luke. He felt Luke's pain and he lived to see the smile that was so rare these days. The sparkle in Luke's green flecked brown eyes sent him into a tailspin and there really wasn't anything he wouldn't do…and he couldn't live without him. There really was no denying it…even if he couldn't admit it to Luke.

He was in love.

"Noah?" Holden asked catching Noah's attention. He looked at Holden for a moment before allowing his gaze to rest on Abby who had posed the question.

"I love him," he said putting a voice to his thoughts. "I'm in love with Luke."

"Noah don't say that if you don't mean it," Holden said seriously. "Luke needs us to be focused and if this is going to make you not able to focus then maybe we need to take a step back."

"No sir," Noah said shaking his head. "I'm more focused then I have been about anything in my life. I know what I'm feeling and I know how to help Luke. We don't need to take a step back, I can swear to that. I am completely devoted to your son and I'm going to help him."

It only takes a moment for everything to change. One second in time for the world to shift on its axis and one minute for life to alter its course. Sometimes that change can be dangerous. It could lead to a world of trouble, and no guarantees of coming out unscathed. Other times it can be a welcome thing, with one simple admission. When love is realized, the change it brings is full of warmth and comfort.

26


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

A promise is nothing if it can't be kept. Promises made are done from the heart, and the emotions that go with them should not be taken lightly. That's why it's important to know what you are getting yourself into when you give your word. An oath once taken is hard to break; a vow once given strengthens bonds and builds relationships. Sometimes it ends up being a give and take, and sometimes it needs to be restated, and the recipient of that promise needs to be assured that you are doing everything in your power to keep it. It's not always easy, or as simplistic as it sounds, but broken promises can hurt just as much as a broken heart.

He didn't know how he was going to accomplish it…he just knew it needed to be done. He had no clue how to succeed, or which direction to turn but he knew he needed to figure it out. And he would, for Luke's sake. Noah's sole purpose was to take care of the man who had captured his heart. He wanted to love him. And in order for him to do that he needed to help him regain his sense of self. Truthfully that wasn't exactly right. He loved Luke because he was Luke…it wasn't as if he needed Luke to be different so he could love him. That wasn't even a question anymore. No…he wanted Luke to feel like himself again. He could sense that his best friend was not happy even though he tried to be. He was determined to make that happiness a reality and not just a glimpse seen here and there.

He had thought about this a lot in the past few days. It was becoming quite routine for him to be sitting in the room he shared with Luke; his laptop on his lap, his eyes focused on Luke's sleeping form instead of the screen in front of him. He couldn't help but stare at the man. The blond hair that always fell in his eyes. The boyish face that flittered through emotions in a blink of an eye. Noah had already calculated that Luke's expression changed at least ten times in his sleep. That fascinated him, but it worried him as well. He hated the thought of Luke having bad dreams, and wished there was something he could do about them.

Not for the first time he returned his focus on the computer screen. In the last few days he had made some headway in his investigation of the Kreeger Foundation. He wanted to get a concrete idea of what he was dealing with before he mentioned it to Abby and Holden. He needed their help with this, especially Abby's since she would need to be a liaison between L.A and Oakdale. He wasn't sure how that would work exactly…but he knew he couldn't do it. It was too risky, and Holden definitely couldn't do anything that would alert Lily to his whereabouts. It was risky enough actually asking Abby, but he didn't' see that they had much of a choice.

He had discussed it with Holden, and they decided that it was important that they were able to check out the letters that were exchanged. Luke had mentioned them specifically, and Noah thought it was fishy that Holden never received Luke's detailed letters and apparently Luke never got the long missives from Holden either. Something was not right. He frowned as he continued to look at the computer screen. The information he had gathered was typed up in a file so he could show it to Abby and Holden when the time came. It made him cringe just reading about some of the things Luke must have endured. The puzzle pieces were starting to fall into place. Luke's actions in the hospital that day when he woke up, his fear of the tests and his absolute distrust of Holden…it all made perfect sense to him now.

It was time to look away one more time. Another glance at Luke would make him feel ten times better. This time his eyes met golden brown with flecks of green. Luke was awake, and he was staring at Noah. He wasn't sure if Luke noticed how quickly the frown dissolved into a shy smile, but the effect wasn't lost on Noah. He ducked his head away to hide the blush he knew would be there and only turned back when he was sure his face wouldn't betray him.

"Are you okay, Noah?"

"I'm fine, Luke, just concerned about you. Did you enjoy your nap? I'm a little worried about how much you sleep, so I have been watching you to make sure you are just sleeping."

"Oh," Luke said a thoughtful frown crossing his features. "You don't think there are still drugs in my system, and that's why I sleep so much? I don't think I slept so much while I was away though. We weren't really allowed to sleep all the time. And when I did sleep, I had bad dreams. And then if I slept too long," He bristled and started picking at the blanket that covered him. "Are you looking for information on the computer again? Did you find anything?"

Just when Noah thought he was used to Luke's abrupt change of subject, his best friend surprised him. He didn't know what to think of what Luke just said…except that it didn't make him feel good. Was Luke talking about the drugs at the hospital? That made the most sense…they did tend to sedate him whenever they saw fit to do so. But then the way he phrased the question…it was just all too confusing.

"Noah?" Luke inquired again. "Are you listening to me?"

"Oh, sorry Luke. Yes I'm listening. I found some more information about where you were…and I am going to talk to you about it if you'll answer some questions for me. Do you think you can do that?"

Luke frowned. "Do I have to?"

"I wouldn't make you answer questions if it wasn't important Luke. I only want to help you, you know that right?"

"I know," Luke said sulking.

"And you know you have to help me out here, right?"

"I don't know what I can do really, Noah. I feel like I don't know how to do anything anymore."

"That's not true, Luke. You can do a lot of things."

"Like what?"

"You're a great best friend," Noah said softly. The smile that crossed Luke's lips was perfection in Noah's eyes and he wished he could capture it and put in a bottle for safe keeping. "Will you smile more often? He asked, his voice taking on a wistful tone.

"If I have something to smile about," Luke responded, though it was clear that he wasn't sure why Noah wanted him to smile. "I kinda missed smiling. I mean I never had anything to smile about last year. I used to, before I couldn't write anymore. I would be happy for a little while with my pen, and a notebook. And when I got letters from home…until I looked inside them. Every time I got a letter, I was excited and then I read the letter and I got sad again. But for some reason you make me smile, Noah and that's dangerous."

"Dangerous?" Noah repeated with a frown. "Why is it dangerous that I make you smile? I would think that was a good thing."

"I'm not supposed to be happy," Luke said sadly. "I don't even think I remember what it's like to be happy…let alone smiling. They frowned on that when I was away. I don't deserve to smile because I sin and until I can stop sinning…" 

"Luke stop right there, that's just not right."

"But," Luke insisted. "If anyone knew I was comfortable smiling at you then I would be in big trouble."

"Luke there is no trouble here, not with me by your side…okay?"

"You won't be able to protect me forever, Noah. You'll tire of me sooner or later. I mean I know you are putting your life on hold for me, and I am grateful to you for that…but it won't last."

"Will you give me a chance to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere?" Noah asked, thinking it wouldn't do any good to protest Luke's statement at the moment.

"I'll try," Luke kept his voice low as if saying it any louder would get him into trouble with someone.

"Okay, good…now do you want to talk to me about things, or do you want to hang out with your sister and your dad?"

Luke decided he wanted to talk, and while he did so Noah listened and took mental notes on all his best friend was saying. He listened as Luke talked about his first few days at the foundation, and how Damian had been around for those first few days. Noah was sure that Holden was not going to like that news at all. It certainly didn't sit well with him that Damian willingly put Luke into this place, and had Luke convinced that it was what Holden wanted. Luke was so caught up in what he was saying that Noah was certain he didn't realize how much information he was giving away. It was as if he was given a chance to speak freely and all the words that had been held inside, since he couldn't write them down, came flooding to the surface.

"Are you sure I won't get into trouble for telling you all of that?" Luke asked when Noah suggested they get something to eat. "It was good to see Luke asking questions, it showed that on some level he was becoming more aware of things and he understood what was going on.

"No trouble Luke. No more punishments and I'm hoping you will feel better about opening up as well. You have nothing to fear by talking to me. I just hate that you had to go through some of these things. I read about them…and they made me cringe. I can only imagine how you must have felt."

"I'm just so scared, Noah. I think the only things I know how to feel are fear and sadness. I…I think the anger is there too somewhere, but that only comes out sometimes and something has to have happened first. Like when they tried to send you away from me, that made me angry. And the headaches they seem less frequent right now, but I don't know how long that will last."

"Did you have a bad dream last night? I thought I saw you twitching in your sleep."

"I guess I couldn't hide it this time. I had a bad dream every night this week, but I don't let it show. I'm sorry about that."

"No don't apologize, Luke. I want you to tell me when you have a bad dream. I can't help you if I don't know what's bothering you okay?"

"Do you have to tell Dad and Abby all of this?" he asked, changing the subject yet again.

"Yes Luke…I have to talk to them about everything unless you don't want me to. You know you come first with me."

"I appreciate that, Noah, but I don't suppose I can be helped if they don't know. I have to learn how to trust them. I want to trust Dad…I really do. I miss him. But I think about being sent away and it makes me cry inside."

"When was the last time you actually cried?" Noah inquired.

"Men aren't supposed to cry, Noah…though I think I was really sad when Mom fell down the stairs. I really didn't mean to make her fall."

"Is that why you agreed to go to the foundation?" Noah prodded gently.

"When Damian told me that Dad thought it was a good idea…and he showed me the paper I just thought he was right. That Dad blamed me for Mom's fall and he wanted me gone. It hurt that Dad couldn't tell me that himself. I mean…we used to talk about everything, Dad and I. I felt like he didn't want me anymore. And the letters only seemed to confirm that and Damian…"

"What about Damian," Noah asked feeling as if he was on the verge of finding something out.

"Damian said that my dad insisted that I do this. And that it would be better if he didn't tell me himself. And he said that he tried to get Dad to change his mind but it didn't work."

"Okay," Noah said placing a hand on Luke's shoulder. "This is going to sound confusing…and I will do my best to help you understand, but I think Damian has been lying to you. What you just described to me does not sound like your dad at all. Any more than it makes sense that you wanted to go to Rehab and you confided in Damian about it."

"Is that what he told my parents?" Luke frowned. "Is that why they told you I was in rehab? Damian told them that?"

"I'm beginning to think that's the case, Luke. There seems to be a whole tangle of lies going on, and I think Damian is the spider weaving them."

"Then that means he's been playing with me for a long time," Luke said frowning. "I…I told him things about how I felt and he tried to make it seem like my dad didn't want me at all. He knew I was…depressed I guess when I came home…Noah," Luke suddenly got serious and he grabbed a hold of Noah's hand and held on tight. "He tried to make it seem like I should be mad at you because you took my place at home."

"I never did trust that guy," Noah grumbled, and everything you've told me so far makes me like him even less. What's wrong?" he asked as Luke's face seemed to fall and grow sadder. He could tell Luke was trying not to cry. There were droplets of water just waiting to fall, but he was blinking furiously to hold them back.

"N…nothing," Luke said closing his eyes tightly to keep the waterworks from starting. "I…I'm okay, just…I'm okay."

"Luke…"

"No, Noah it's fine. I'm okay. I can't cry. I just can't, because if I start I won't stop."

"When was the last time you had a good cry, Luke? A really good, cleansing your soul cry."

"The last time I really let myself cry I got…in trouble for doing it," Luke said sounding like a five year old who just had his favorite toy taken away. Noah hated hearing that fear in his voice, and he swore if he ever saw Damian again it would be too soon.

He reached out to touch Luke's cheek, his hand gentle against the smooth skin. Ever so slowly he began to stroke that cheek. Soft loving strokes as he watched blinking eyes. "The only people here are you and me. Your dad and Abby aren't even in the house. We're all alone, no hospitals, no doctors, or wardens…there's no one here to stop you from shedding those tears. You can tell me anything, Luke. Just talk to me…let it out. Tell me what's wrong."

HE could tell by the look on Luke's face that he wanted to give in. He bit his lip and his breathing became slightly erratic. Noah cupped his face and continued the gentle stroking, knowing it would be any minute now before Luke broke.

"Why…why would he do that, Noah?" Luke's voice cracked as he spoke and took a deep breath. He was still trying to hold back the flood…Noah wasn't making that easy at all. "Why couldn't he love me for me? I…I hate being so…so…"

And then it happened. The words caught in his throat and Noah felt arms go around his neck, a head resting in the crook…tears immediately soaking his shirt, and a body racked with sobs. And Noah just held him, his hand stroking his back, trying to soothe, even as he knew that this time calming Luke down wouldn't be that simple.

"Excuse me," Noah said stepping into the kitchen. Don't mean to burden you sir, but I need to talk to you if you have a moment. Is Abby around?"

"She's in the other room," Holden responded, setting down the hand towel he held in his hand. "Why don't we go in there and you can tell us what's going on." Noah nodded and they headed into the parlor area where Abby was shifting through magazines on the table.

"Abby, Noah has something he needs to tell us."

Abby looked up and frowned. "Noah, what's going on? You don't look very happy."

Noah sighed as he took a seat. HE had purposely waited until Luke was sleeping yet again to have this discussion. Luke already had to tell the story; he shouldn't have to hear it again if it could be avoided. "It's about Luke," He started looking back and forth between Holden and Abby. I finished my research and I talked to Luke, and I am not very happy with what I found out. And if today was any indication this is not going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination."

"What did you find out?" Abby inquired, exchanging a look with her father.

"I'm not sure how much Holden told you," Noah started as he looked at the notes he had printed out on Abby's printer. "But I checked out the place Luke was sent last year and needless to say the cover page is very deceptive. On the outside the camp looks like a summer refuge for young boys to just enjoy being boys. There's swimming, hiking, horse backing riding and even sports and games too. However for the majority of time at this pace no one really gets to do any of those things," He paused for a moment as he tried to find something. He had looked over this material several times before bringing it to their attention and he couldn't believe this pace existed, let alone that Damian had allowed Luke to go there.

"It's a de-gaying camp," he explained finally. "Parents send their kids here so they can be "helped" with their situation, and their problem can be fixed." He had a bitter taste in his mouth just uttering the words but, there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for Luke. "Basically, the idea is that in three months time, the parents would be told that it will take longer to deprogram or that due to an isolation period the patient's time in the facility has to be extended. That's what happened to Luke; he had to be isolated several different times because he didn't conform."

"What the hell, Noah," Holden exclaimed. "Are you sure about this? I would never have sent Luke to a gay deprogramming camp. I never even knew something like that existed."

"Oh they definitely exist," Noah sighed. "It's just brutal reality sir."

Holden chewed on his lip and frowned as something occurred to him. "Wait, you said Luke was in isolation. Is that why he is so hesitant to let any of us in?"

"Something like that," Noah replied. "He was put in isolation because there were distractions and he was being punished for not following the rules. And Holden, I know you didn't take him there. I've been trying to convince Luke of that…and I think he believe me. IT's just that He was told that you wanted him there…but get this," Noah glanced at both father and daughter before he continued. "The first three days of the camp are like an orientation period and Luke had to stay in a hotel with his parent." He waited for a moment as that news sank in. He could see the clarity in Holden's eyes and he nodded. "Damian was there, he stayed with Luke for the first three days."

Holden clenched his fists. "I'm going to kill that man. I swear to god I had no idea what this was about, or I would have went and gotten Luke myself. I couldn't care less about the fact that he's gay. It's just another part of who he is."

"And you'll have to tell him that," Noah asserted. "And Killing Damian is out of the question…though I know you want to as badly as I do. I've said this before though…we have to focus on Luke, and we have to help him. Right now I don't think he even fully gets that I'm gay." Noah frowned. "I mean I've shared three kisses with him, but they were more of a comforting thing and I doubt he really correlated it. Otherwise he may wonder how you could accept me and not him."

"Noah are you sure that kissing Luke is a good idea," Abby asked. "I completely understand your feelings for him, but might that not confuse him until he realizes that we are not judging him for being gay? I am not trying to demean what you are doing, I can see that you really do care for my brother, but I can see his confusion and I don't want that to get any worse."

"I can understand your concern, Abby and believe me I wouldn't do anything that could upset or confuse Luke in any way. Right now kissing him isn't about anything romantic. I am only trying to offer him some comfort, some sense of intimacy that is soothing and that seems to do the trick. If I thought I was confusing him, I would explain it to him, but not stop…because to do so would make Luke think he did something wrong. He likes feeling close to me and I want to do that for him. Is that okay?" he asked looking to Holden for guidance on this.

"I have no problem with that Noah," Holden consented, "however, I would like you to make sure you are watching for changes in Luke's attitude toward you or your relationship. If he has been as damaged as we think, it is entirely possible that he may turn on you if he thinks you are getting to close. Just be careful. I don't want anything to happen to you either. You are a very important part of this family and I don't want you hurt anymore than I want Luke hurt."

"Thank you for that, sir. I promise, I'll be careful. I only want to help Luke. I'm not so much worried about me, or what will happen when this is all said and done. Right now Luke thinks that the time will come when I'll tire of him. Of course that's not the case, and I am going to do my best to prove that to him."

"So what do we do now, Noah? I mean all the knowledge about the camp is well and good, but how do we repair all the stuff they did to my brother. I can tell just from the look on your face that this is not going to be easy and it's not going to happen overnight, but I, we, have to do something."

"You've spent some time with him right? Just keep doing that. Show him you have some interest in spending time with him, and that he won't get into any trouble if something goes wrong. That seems to be a big deal for him. I'm going to get him a new notebook and pens, and see what we can do about helping him write again. I know he misses it. Besides it may help if he can write things down, because Luke likes to talk." He smiled fondly as he thought of Luke chattering on about anything and everything. "In time he will trust both of you…just don't' give him a reason not to."

"Thank you Noah," Holden said gratefully, "for all that you are doing. I know that Luke is in good hands with you. I want my chatterbox son back that's for sure." Holden smiled and scratched the back of his neck as he looked at the man who had become his only link to his own son. "Whatever you need from us just let us know. If you need a break for any reason tell me, I don't want you making yourself sick working this out."

"Luke's worth everything I'm doing, sir. I wanted to help him even before I fell for him." He shook his head; it still blew his mind that that was the epitome of the feelings he felt. He couldn't remember ever feeling like this before. He especially didn't really know love from living with his father. Still the warmth he felt in his heart was very real and it only intensified when he was actually near Luke…it could only be called love. "I'm going to go out around town tomorrow…to see what I can find, and get the notebook for Luke. I will explain that he will be home with you two…so let's see what we can do. We know we can't help Luke in a day, and only he can tell us how we can really help him…but at least he will know that none of us is giving up."

"Why can't I go with you?" Luke asked for the fifteenth time as Noah prepared to leave the house. "I don't want to stay here without you."

Noah faced him and placed his hands on Luke's shoulders. "Your dad and Abby are both here, Luke. You won't be alone, and we talked about you trusting them remember? I don't want you to go with me, because I am going to surprise you. You can't be there when I get your gift."

"You want to buy me a present?" Luke asked his eyes lighting up like topaz gems.

"Yes, now will you let me go…and try to spend some time with your dad?"

"Okay, I will try."

Noah left soon after that and Luke was on his own. He knew he needed to do something while Noah was gone. If he wanted to get better he needed to do some of the work. And he missed his dad…Noah seemed to believe that he could trust him…and he believed that. His dad had gotten him out of the hospital, and his dad was the reason they were here…he had risked a lot to help him. Someone who would do that couldn't be all bad.

He found Holden in the kitchen cutting up vegetables on the counter. For a moment he leaned against the counter and just watched him work. What could he say? What would he do?

HE didn't have to think about it long before his dad turned and saw him standing there. "Hey there, son," he said a smile crossing his features. "Would you like to help me with these veggies for Abby?"

"Okay," Luke said pushing himself off the counter. He moved over to his dad and watched him rinse off a carrot before shaving off the ugly parts. He watched the process a couple of times before picking up a carrot, putting it under the cool water to rinse and then placing it on a cutting board. Holden handed him a knife and he started to chop, still looking at his dad to make sure he was following instructions.

"So how are you settling in with Abby?"

"She's nice," Luke said as he concentrated on cutting the vegetables. "I wanted to talk to you about stuff, dad but I don't really know where to start," he told him a few minutes later. He frowned at the carrot he was cutting and put the knife down so he could look at his dad, who was focusing on cutting pepper slices.

"Son, I'm listening. I will listen to whatever you want to tell me. Good or bad, I am not going to judge you. I love you and I am going to do all that I can to repair and rebuild our relationship." Silence followed his words, and Luke allowed them to sink in. It was just what he needed to hear from his dad. He still didn't know exactly what he wanted to say. What could he confide? Did he want to risk saying anything? Everything was so much easier when Noah was around. HE didn't feel like he was going to mess up as much.

"I want that too dad," he said as he started working on slicing into a tomato. The juice squirted out and hit him in the eye which made him blink. He placed the knife down and wiped his eye but he wasn't sure if he helped the situation any.

"I hate this distance between us," he heard his father say as he reached for a napkin to dab at his eyes, "but I am very glad that you have Noah to help lead you through this. So whenever you are ready to talk I am ready to listen."

Luke put the napkin down and went back to cutting the tomato. "I don't know what you want to know, Dad. I'm sorry I'm not as good at words as I used to be. I think when they took my ability to write they took my vocabulary too…and well," he frowned and placed the slices of tomato on the plate in front of him, "I miss talking to you."

"I want to know everything, Luke," Holden replied softly, "but first I want to tell you that from what Noah has been able to track down, I had no idea that the place you were going was anywhere other than a rehab facility for the alcohol problem. If I had had any inkling of the true nature I would have torn down the walls to get you out of there."

"I…I don't think that really matters, Dad," Luke said trying to make his thoughts piece together properly. "I know deep down that if you had known where I was you would have come for me…that's why I wrote to you. I didn't want to believe that you really would want me in that place. But…you never came, and it just seemed like you wanted to send me away. And I…I wouldn't have gone away for drinking." He frowned remembering how reckless his behavior had been prior to his coming out…and just after, when he went on that disastrous double date. "I was already seeing a counselor for that, she didn't' think I had to go away."

He bit his lip and focused on the vegetables again. They couldn't think about what his dad would have done if he had known. It was too late for that. Now was the time to move forward…he didn't know how to do that really, but he wanted to try. And he wanted to tell his dad about all the things that happened to him…but could he really do that? Could he convey all that he wanted to convey?

"I don't want you to apologize to me," he said simply. "I just want to be your son again. I want you to…to be my dad…I missed my dad."

"And I missed my son," Holden's voice was sad and reflective, and Luke was startled to see tears in his eyes. He couldn't remember ever seeing his father close to tears. "I missed our morning rides in the fields and working side by side in the barn. I missed telling you things that no one else but you would understand."

Luke smiled fondly. He missed all those things too. It was as if his dad was singing a song that his heart needed to hear and he was listening. He wanted to believe his dad's words.

"Believe me son," Holden continued, "I want you back, well and healthy and whole, but I will take you just like you are. I don't care about anything else in the world right now but you. Your Mom and Damien have a lot to answer for, but that can wait. The girls and Ethan I'm sure are missing us, but if we can take you back to them whole again that is what we are going to do."

"I'm not really worried about going home, Dad. I…I just want to be with you and Noah."

"Well Noah and I aren't going anywhere," Holden assured him. "Wherever you are is where we are." Silence followed that statement, and Luke just knew his dad was thinking of questions to ask him. He only hoped that he would be able to answer them. He wanted to answer…he had to face the fear he was feeling head on. That was what Noah had told him. "So," His father said a few minutes later, "this place, the Foundation, Luke did they beat you? I only ask because I saw the bruises and scars on your back when I was helping with your shower in the hospital. How did those bruises get there?"

He looked at his dad for a long time before going to sit down on a stool. All pretence of cutting was gone and he rested his arms on the table and rested his chin in his hands. His dad followed his lead and sat across from him, waiting intently to see if he would get an answer. "You really shouldn't ask questions you don't want the answers to, Dad," he said sadly. "I could answer that question, and it would break your heart. I don't really want to be the reason your heart is breaking."

"Son, if I didn't want the answer I wouldn't ask. I have had my heart broken before and I survived. If this is going to break my heart, then I can only imagine what it is doing to you. I can take it. Tell me about the bruises Luke."

"It depends on which bruises you want to know about, Dad," Luke said sadly. "The ones that won't ever go away? Or the ones that will fade in time, if they stop getting reopened." He closed his eyes for a moment and tried not to wince at the thoughts in his mind. He was only speaking to his dad…and there was no one there to harm him. If he could remember that he would be fine. He especially needed to stop thinking about the dreams.

"Which do you feel comfortable mentioning?"

"Yes," he said in answer to his father's earlier question. They did hit me. It wasn't so bad thought until they used the whip…which was when Adam held me down and let them hit me."

"Who was this Adam?" Holden inquired.

"I thought he was my friend," Luke said lowering his voice. "He was my counselor…but he turned against me. I guess I was stupid to trust him…but…"

"You aren't stupid, Luke," Holden interrupted.

"Noah keeps telling me that."

"Well Noah' is right. He said they isolated you," Holden said after a brief silence. "For how long?"

It depends on the time."

"How many times did they do it?"

Luke frowned as he started counting on his fingers. His face crinkled as he tried to concentrate on time and numbers to come up with the right answer. "Well the first time was when summer was over…in September. That one lasted just a week. Then it happened again around Christmas time…that was very sad actually. I think I was in there a month…but I'm not sure, I just remember thinking about all of you and wondering if Mom was awake, and if you missed me at all. It was five times all together…the last time…I ended up at the hospital."

"Why were we never alerted when you were in the hospital?" his dad asked.

"I don't know Dad. I think they already had permission from Damian or something."

"Was this Adam guy the reason you were in the hospital?"

Luke looked up at his dad, but he didn't answer the question. He bit down on his lip and averted his gaze. He didn't want to talk about it anymore. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on the room with the bookshelf. The books were scattered everywhere, and he wasn't so sure he could get them all back into place this time. Sometimes he wished there was just a lock on that door then he wouldn't have to think about his emotions at all.

"Luke I need you to talk to me," Holden's voice reached his ears as he worked on getting his emotions back on the shelf. He had let his guard down enough…but he had to be careful…very careful. "Luke," Holden's voice again, "Did this Adam guy ever hurt you?"

"Don't ask me things I can't answer," Luke said sliding off the stool. "You can't ask things I don't know."

Luke," his dad tried to soothe him, there was a hint of sadness in his voice.

"No," he said shaking his head. "No, Dad…I can't…I told you I didn't want to talk about it and you keep asking me…and I don't know." He was practically yelling; his hands clenched as he backed away from the counter. He was walking backwards, not really paying attention to where he was going, and he bumped right into his big sister.

"Whoa, what's the rush Luke," Abby asked immediately frowning at the bewildered look in her brother's eyes. "Are you okay?" She reached out to touch him, but he backed away from her and rushed out the room. Abby exchanged a look with her dad before running after him. She found him in the bedroom clutching the pillow Noah had been sleeping on the night before.

"Luke," she said coming further into the room. "Hey sweetie. Are you ok?"

He didn't answer her right away, but he didn't stop her from coming either. She took a seat on the bed; just far enough for him to be comfortable and she placed her hands in her lap as she looked at him.

"Did Dad do something to upset you?" she inquired. "I can see you are really upset and Noah is going to be very angry with me if you are upset when he gets home, so can you tell me what's wrong?"

"Just too many questions," he said frowning. "I'll explain it to Noah…he won't be upset with you."

"No more questions then, Luke," Abby held her hands up in mock surrender. "You can explain to Noah all day long, but he is still going to have my hide. So do you think maybe you could talk to me, I promise not to ask any questions, just talk. I feel like I have missed out on so much."

Luke squeezed the pillow tighter and looked at his sister quizzically. She just wanted him to talk? About what? Should he ask? Having a conversation was not supposed to be this difficult. Then again he could count on one hand how many actual conversations he had while he was away…and none of those had been very good…all of them had been with Adam.

"I'm not good at talking, Abby. I used to be, but now I don't feel like I have a lot to say. And when I do talk, I don't make any sense so I just prefer to be quiet. Quiet is less troublesome anyway…you can't be a bother if you are silent. Noah says I have a lot to say though, and I should just say it. I wish I could do that, since he seems to think I can. And even Dad has said that I was a chatter box and you couldn't shut me up. I'd do anything to be able to just talk about anything and everything. It's not a good idea to keep things bottled up inside, but that's all I was taught while I was away. To hide things and to keep my emotions in check."

"You don't have to hide with us," Abby asserted, "but I understand that you aren't comfortable talking about your emotions right now. So how about you and I talk about the family. Dad showed me some pictures of the girls and Ethan, and I talk to Aaron at least once a week, but pictures don't tell everything. I miss the little bugger a bunch. I should have come home more often, then maybe I wouldn't feel so out of touch with you and my sibs."

"Honestly, Abby I feel out of touch with them too. I missed a lot in a year's time…and then I was in the hospital for a lot of time too so I am not really connected with them either."

"But you connected with Noah," Abby pointed out, "and I think that is wonderful. It's always nice to have someone you can count on to be there when the chips are down. Maybe when you are ready to go home, whenever that may be, I think I may go with you. A nice long visit with Grandma Emma would be really nice. Maybe I should call her and beg for a care package of goodies so we have some stuff from home. Would you like that? I promise I won't tell her you are here, just thinking maybe some of Grandma's goodies will put some meat back on your bones, you are so skinny that a good strong wind will blow you away."

"Yeah, Noah said I need to start eating more. I'm still trying to get used to solid foods again after being in the hospital for so long." He stopped to think about what she had said. "I don't guess it would be bad to get goodies from Grandma…but you know she will ask if you have seen Dad. And I don't think Dad would want you to lie. You should talk to Noah…maybe? He may know more than me if it would be a good idea or not."

"I'll talk to Noah when he gets back and see what he thinks." Luke was relieved that she didn't argue with him about that. Over the past few days there had been some push and shove between Abby and Noah…and he didn't want to make either of them angry. "Hmmmm," His sister said, raising her finger to her lip, "maybe instead of calling Grandma I can just e-mail her, she is so tech savvy these days it's kind of scary. Our Grandma the romance novelist who now does her research on the internet. Hang in there Luke; I'm on your side. I will do whatever I can to help and make you feel comfortable."

"Will you tell Dad, I'm sorry?" he asked a frown crossing his features again. :"I don't want him to be mad at me. I just didn't want to answer any more questions, and then he kept asking and I know I should have been calmer but I don't even know how to do that all the time. Everything is so messed up anymore, Abby."

"It's ok Luke, Dad will understand, and yes I will tell him. He is not mad at you, and never was. He is just looking for answers and hurting because he feels like he let you down by not protecting you from what happened. We are going to work together to make everything un-messed up little brother. I love you."

"Thank you for being my sister," He said shyly as he bit his lip. He was really starting to Like Abby…she didn't seem to want anything from him. And maybe just maybe he could trust her.

"Awwwww, little brother, I kind of like being your sister. You were always my favorite sibling because no matter what we talked about you always had something to say. You are the only one I would trust my secrets with and that hasn't changed at all. I love you kiddo. Why don't you try and get some rest, I'm sure Noah will be home soon. Just yell if you need anything."

"Okay," Luke said putting Noah's pillow on the bed and resting his head on it. "Thanks Abby," he said before closing his eyes. He wasn't going to mention the fact that he was worried Noah wouldn't come back. He wouldn't even entertain that thought, let alone say it aloud and make it more of a reality. IT wasn't that he thought Noah would leave him…he would understand if Noah did though. Everyone else did. He held on to Noah's pillow tightly and buried his face in it, trying to drown out those thoughts. He wished Noah would just come back, as far as Luke was concerned he'd been gone far too long.

It was late afternoon when Noah returned to the house. He was glad to be back. Not surprisingly he had missed Luke terribly. He wasn't used to being away from him for this long of a time. It was worth the trip though…he had found the perfect gift for Luke, and even found a Pen to go along with it. He had a few bags in his hand, and he spotted Abby immediately when he entered the living room. "Hey," he said placing the bags down on the inn table. "How did today go? Is Luke alright?"

"Luke is asleep," Abby replied putting down the book she had been reading." He and Dad talked some after you left, but it didn't go as well as we would have liked."

"What happened?" Noah asked a frown settling on his face. "And how long has Luke been sleeping?"

"He hasn't been asleep too long. He and Dad were working in the kitchen chopping some vegetables. I had walked past earlier, and saw that they seemed to be having a nice conversation so I didn't interrupt them. The next thing I know Luke is running out telling Dad no more questions. I am assuming that Dad was gently trying to get Luke to open up, but Dad was pretty upset and didn't want Luke to see so he took a walk on the beach. I spent some time with Luke just talking and not pushing and he seemed much better before he fell asleep."

"I'll have to check up on him in a minute. But I did want to talk to you. "I think we are going to need some information from back in Oakdale, so we can better help Luke. He has a lot of prescriptions that need to be filled for his kidney medicine so we have to take care of that. Plus we have to find out about the letters that seemed to be transferred for other letters. I mean both your dad and Luke commented on what they received as letters and what they wrote to each other. I think Damian may have switched the mail or something." He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "Um, I don't want to put you on the spot but it's less suspicious if you contact someone back home…though risky at the same time."

"Hmmmm," Abby said her expression thoughtful, "well I may have a solution to that problem. I told Luke I was thinking of calling Grandma Emma and asking for a care package, but decided that sending her an e-mail might be a better idea. I don't want Gram to have to lie, so how about I send her the e-mail asking for the care package and then get in touch with Aaron who I am sure can get Ali to help with the meds. If Gram is responsive to the e-mail and I think she will be, I can fib a little and see if she can do some digging on her computer to find at least Dad's copies of his letters. Do you think that would be of any help?"

"That's a good idea actually," Noah said excitedly. "If you could do that, Abby…I think it would be good for Luke to have some things from home. It's going to be awhile before he can go back…if he wants to go back. That's going to be completely up to him. Was he okay after he talked to Holden? I mean were you able to talk to him a bit too?"

"We talked for quite a while actually," Abby replied. "We talked about the kids at home and how much I missed them and he seemed to be much calmer when we finished. Dad's just trying to help, but he is so worried, he may have tried to push when Luke just wasn't ready. I get the feeling that Luke thinks that he is protecting us by not telling us what happened."

"Yeah that's the feeling I'm getting too actually," Noah agreed with her. "I think he's also a little scared too. I mean if half the stuff I read about actually happened to Luke in that place, then he must not want us to see him as anything less than human. And I know that none of us would dare do that…but that stuff makes me cringe. I can only imagine that Luke must feel so weak to have gone through any of it. I'm glad you and he were able to talk. While I was out I picked up some things for him that will hopefully help. We will help him," he said determined. "And in the mean time if he says anything of interest let me know. He is usually pretty open with me."

"I will Noah. I promise. I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I can see you really do love my brother and that's all that is important."

"Thanks Abby. I do love him," Noah glanced toward the bedroom for a moment before focusing on Abby again. "And I know we got off to a bad start, but I think you're pretty cool, and Luke is lucky to have you for a big sister"

"I am the lucky one Noah. Luke is the best brother in the world. I wouldn't trade him for anything. If you ask me we are all lucky to have Luke in our lives."

"I don't think a truer statement has been spoken, Abby," Noah said smiling as he picked his bags up off the table. "I got some of Luke's favorite things," he said handing her one of the bags. "And I promised him a surprise. I'm going to go see if I can wake him up. I worry about him sleeping so much during the day." He started heading toward the back of the house when he turned to see Abby heading for the kitchen. "Hey Abby?" She turned and sent a smile his way. He smiled back. "Thanks, for the talk. I hope we can talk more, I mean we have one thing in common already…we love Luke."

"I'd like that, Noah. I'd like that a lot."

"Noah you're back," he exclaimed startling Noah out of his trance. Luke had been sleeping when he entered the room, so he had set his gift aside and fiddled with the computer, answering emails and reading while he waited for his best friend to wake up. Now he put the computer aside and smiled as Luke threw his arms around him and held him tightly

"Luke, I can't breathe," Noah said trying to detangle himself just enough to look into Luke's eyes.

"Oh I'm sorry," Luke said frowning. "I don't know why I had that reaction, but you can't leave me here like that again."

"What happened?" Noah asked keeping his voice soft and nonjudgmental.

"I think I upset Dad," Luke sighed sadly. "I didn't mean to, but he was asking all these questions and then he brought up Adam…and I just didn't want to talk about it. And I didn't know all the answers to his questions, plus…I don't know Noah I just didn't want to talk anymore but I think I made him mad."

"I'm sure that's not the case, Luke. Your dad loves you…and he knows this is hard for you. It's hard for him too. Because he has to deal with the fact that you were there and he couldn't help you while you were there. You understand that right?"

"I think so."

"You know how you told me you feel like you're a failure as a son?"

"Yeah…you told me that wasn't true."

"It's not," Noah said gently. "You aren't a failure, Luke. Your dad, he feels the same way you do. He feels like he failed you, and he just wants to make up for it."

"That's what he said," Luke explained. "But I don't know…I feel like I talk, and he doesn't really listen. I know he hears me, but it's like he wants to get out what he wants to say without listening to what I'm telling him. And I guess that could just be me, and I'm not explaining it right…but you seem to understand."

"So, you feel like he doesn't really care?" Noah asked, trying to surmise the situation. He knew that Holden cared deeply for Luke, but somehow that wasn't coming across. "You think that he only wants information from you so you closed yourself off. Does that sound about right?"

"I knew you would understand," Luke said lowering his head.

"I care about you," Noah said reaching out to lift Luke's chin. "And I know how important trust is to you, Luke. I am glad you trust me, and I won't do anything to violate that."

"He was asking about Adam," Luke explained, biting his lip as he looked at his best friend. It didn't go unnoticed by Noah that Luke's face seemed to get sadder, and there was pain clear in those brown eyes. Adam was at the top of Noah's list of people he wanted to hurt, right along with Damian. "And he wanted to know about the bruises and the scars…I tried to explain that," Luke continued. "But I didn't' want to talk about him."

"Did he do more than just hold you down so they could hit you with the whip?"

Luke flinched and Noah wished he could take back the question. But he knew that some of these things needed to be asked. If he didn't try to push, just a little then he wouldn't be able to help. It wasn't okay that Luke had been hurt like this, but the sooner they knew all the details…the better the chance Luke had of getting past it. That was Noah's ultimate goal. He didn't know how many relapses there would be before Luke was fine again…but he had no doubt that day would come.

"Luke, you know I'm not trying to hurt you with these questions right?"

Silence followed his question, but Noah was acutely aware of what Luke was doing. His even breathing hitched several times and then there was the slightest sniffle as he clung to Noah. Noah allowed his arms to encircle his best friend as he pulled him closer, his head resting against his shoulder.

"I…I know you won't…hurt me, Noah," Luke's voice was trembling and Noah was certain that the tears would be coming soon.

"Just tell me yes or no. You don't have to explain it…okay."

"Yes," Luke said before dissolving into tears.

Noah closed his eyes and silently cursed for he had no doubt what Luke was saying yes to. He held on to his best friend, having no care for his shirt which was already soaked from Luke's reign of tears. Now that Luke knew he could cry…Noah was certain there would be more moments like this. And he would be ready for them. He had a lot of promises to keep, and one day he hoped he could completely mend Luke's' broken heart.

18


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Every trade has a tool, and when the tool is removed the worker cannot pursue their trade. The same concept can be employed for talent. A surgeon cannot operate with broken hands. A singer cannot sing with damaged vocal cords. And a runner can't run with a broken leg. Artists exist on a different plane. They use tools that become their heart and their soul. A painter is nothing without the paint and the brushes. A sculpture needs clay and a writer…a writer needs paper and a pen. A writer's pen is its heart and soul. If it's taken away something inside dies. That isn't to say a person can't live, but they'll never be the same.

Noah decided it was best to wait a few days before giving Luke his gift. He wanted to wait until Luke was feeling up to it. He also decided it was best if he didn't leave Luke alone at the house with Abby or Holden. That decision came the day after Luke's dam broke. Noah had simply gone to run an errand for Abby while Luke was sleeping. Luke awakened before Noah's return, and when he made it through the door, his friend clung to him and begged him not to scare him like that again. Noah spent the next couple of days assuring him that he wasn't going anywhere. Noah knew there were going to be good days and bad days, and he was more determined than ever to help Luke through them. HE was hoping that his gift would be a start…some way to help. He needed to give Luke something he could control…that would be the key.

"Good morning," Noah greeted as Luke came out of the shower.

"HI," Luke said as he walked over to the dresser he was wearing a pair of sweat pants that hung low on his hips, and Noah found himself staring at his back, frowning at the scars he saw there. Luke was toweling off his hair, seemingly unaware that he had an audience. Noah sighed and turned away, knowing it was wrong to look at Luke. He knew how self-conscious his friend could be.

Luke put down the towel and looked through the clothes in the drawer. He pulled out two t-shirts and turned to face Noah. "Blue or white?" he asked holding them up for Noah to see.

"Go with the blue one," Noah smiled. "You know you don't have to ask me about your clothes, Luke. You match pretty well."

"I like asking," Luke shrugged and turned around to put on his shirt. Noah stood and came to stand behind him, placing a gift down in front of him.

"What's this?" Luke asked picking up the package.

"Just a little something special I picked up for you. Open it and found out.

"Open it and find out," Noah said. He watched Luke pull the tape off the package and unfold the paper with such precision, Noah wondered if Luke planned on saving it. The Journal and a brand new pen were sitting in the center of the package and Luke looked at it longingly before turning those green flecked brown eyes on Noah.

"You bought me a book?"

"It's a journal," Noah explained. "And a pen, that won't be taken away from you. I want you t be able to write down your thoughts."

"But I don't know if I can anymore, Noah," Luke said sighing. He picked up the pen and rolled it in his fingers. Noah could tell that he liked holding it. He took such care, making sure he held it properly between his fingers. Like any true artist, he studied it, weighted it and tested out the tip. He placed the pen to the side and opened up the notebook, feeling the pages, smelling the newness of it, and Noah was sure he saw a glimpse of a smile, but it was just that, a glimpse. Luke frowned just seconds later and put the book to the side. He looked up at Noah sadly.

"You don't like it?" Noah asked tentatively.

"IT's not that," Luke said sadly. "I am just sorry you wasted your money on me. I'm not going to be able to use it."

"Why is that?"

"Because I don't know how anymore," Luke explained. "I used to love to write…but now when I think about it, it makes me sad. I don't have any more ideas and I wouldn't even know how to start."

"Well," Noah said picking up the journal, "Start by putting the date, and just writing what you are thinking right now. IT doesn't have to be perfect or anything…but I bet you can do it. I have faith in you Luke. You can do anything you put your mind to."

"Do I have to do it now?" Luke asked taking the journal and the pen from Noah. "I will if you want me to do it."

"No, Luke," Noah said shaking his head. "I don't want you to do this for me...this isn't about me, it's about you. I want you to do what you feel you can do, okay? And who knows maybe one day, you and I can work on a joint project or something."

"Yeah?" Luke asked intrigued by the prospect of working with Noah on anything.

"Maybe," Noah nodded. "Did I tell you I want to be a director one day?"

"You want to make movies?"

"Yep, just like the old movies I used to watch as a kid. One day you can write the screenplay, and I'll direct it."

"You really think I can?" Luke asked skeptically. "I mean you have never seen me write…I loved to do it but that doesn't mean it was good. And I can't do it anymore so I don't know why you think that."

"Because I believe in you, Luke, and I know you can do it. I bet your writing was excellent, and you said yourself that you have a lot of thoughts you weren't able to write down. Now you have the tolls, you just have to remember how to use them. And like I said, no one's going to take it away from you."

"I'll try…Thank you Noah. He put his arms around Noah and hugged him. "Thank you."

Abby sighed as she paced around her living room. She was trying to figure out how to approach this. Ever since her talk with Noah, she had been trying to figure out how best to approach her brother. She needed to talk to him, but she needed to make sure that no one back home was aware of the real reasons behind her request. She certainly didn't want to get her dad into any trouble, and if the best place for Luke was here then she didn't want to jeopardize that either. Luke was starting to feel comfortable…at least he was more apt to speak to her then he had been when they first arrived. That was a major plus.

She was still contemplating what to say when the phone rang. She answered it quickly and was surprised by the voice she heard on the other end. "Aaron," she said laughing, "What a nice surprise. I was just thinking about you."

"Hey there, sis," Aaron said as he relaxed in a chair. "I hope it was all good thoughts. I just figured I would call since I haven't heard from you in a while. How are you doing?"

"I'm okay," Abby said running a hand through her hair. She glanced around, and breathed a sigh of relief that Luke was most likely sleeping. "I have had a lot going on here, lately. Things I wasn't really expecting. Not bad things, mind you but definitely unexpected."

Aaron frowned. "Are you sure you're okay? What kind of things have been going on? And why were you thinking about me? Do you miss me or something?"

"Of course I miss you, Aaron. I miss everyone in Oakdale, and I guess I just feel disconnected sometimes, being so far away from the family."

"I can understand that," Aaron agreed. I only came home this year after being gone for so long."

"I Feel like I am missing important things that are going on," Abby continued, "and that I should be there. The little ones are growing up so fast, and you and Luke…I just miss you that's all."

"Yeah," Aaron said sadly. "I miss you too, Abby. Maybe I need to come for a visit or something. I'm afraid I have some bad news though. We can't find Luke. Or Dad for that matter, they've just vanished."

"Vanished?" Abby frowned. "What do you mean they have vanished? Aaron, what is going on there that would make Dad and Luke vanish?"

"Well, Luke appeared out of nowhere in July, and just a month later he had an episode and ended up in the hospital. He was in a coma for almost two weeks before he woke up again. They kept running all these tests on him, the poor kid; I don't think he liked that very much. Anyway, according to Lily, she and Luke's biological father were going to give the doctor permission to perform surgery on him, but before they could dad must have signed his release papers. Luke's just gone, and dad too. No one knows where they are. Dad's SUV is still here and they didn't leave any traces. Honestly, I'm glad they aren't here. I didn't want my little brother to have surgery, but I wish I knew where he was."

"Lily and Damien were going to allow them to do surgery on Luke?" Abby asked trying to keep her voice down. She was appalled by what she was hearing. Even though her dad had clued her in on some of this, it still managed to shock her. "What kind of surgery are we talking about here, Aaron?"

"Some kind of brain surgery," Aaron said running his fingers through his short hair. "I asked Ali about it and she said it was a risky surgery and there was no guarantee that it would help. When Luke woke up from his coma, he couldn't remember anything that happened right before he entered the hospital. I don't know the whole story…I don't think anyone does, except the guy who was living with Lily and Dad. But no one can find him either. He just vanished into thin air. That's Damian's fault I'm sure…I really don't like that guy. But anyway Luke hasn't been himself since he came home from rehab and I hate that he's just gone now you know?"

"Oh Aaron, our little brother is out there somewhere with all this hanging over him?" Abby exclaimed. "I hated that he went to rehab in the first place, and this is just breaking my heart. So is there anything that I can do to help?"

"Abby? Are you sure you're okay" Aaron asked, his voice full of concern. "I wish there was something you could do about Luke, but I don't know what that could be. As it is I am not sure if Dad really took him at all. I mean I don't know how much dad and Lily knew about the guy they took into their home. But what if he took Luke?"

"I'm okay, Aaron," Abby sighed. "Just got a lot on my mind and now you tell me Dad and Luke have disappeared, and this guy that Dad and Lily took in has disappeared as well. Why would he take Luke? Aaron, do you think Luke was kidnapped? And what about Dad, Aaron? I don't like this, not at all. If things were not what they are here, I would be on the next plane home. But I can't just leave the things I have going on here behind. People would get hurt."

"You're starting to scare me Abby," Aaron said frowning. "Do I need to come out there?"

"Oh gosh, Aaron, no you don't have to do that. I will handle everything here. It's just…never mind. I can't explain it. Too much to even attempt over the phone. I promise the next time I see you, I will tell you everything. I have to go now…okay I love you little brother, bye."

She hung up the phone quickly and sighed. "Ummm Dad," she called, "I think we have a problem."

"What's wrong," Holden asked coming out of the kitchen. "What do you mean…a problem?"

"Well, I just got off the phone with Aaron, and I am afraid I may have been too evasive and pushed his need to save button."

"Uh oh," Holden frowned. "Do you think he's going to come out this way?"

"I don't know, Dad, but it wouldn't surprise me at all. The one good thing that could come of Aaron being here is being able to get Luke's meds. He could have Ali send them without raising any red flags."

Holden nodded, his daughter had a point. "Did he say anything about what's going on back home?" Holden asked curiously. "Have Lily and Damian stopped looking?"

"He didn't say. He did say they were worried that Luke might have been kidnapped because Noah disappeared at the same time."

"Was that Aaron's theory?" Holden asked, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. "Noah left a note for Damian before we took Luke out of the hospital. He pretty much told Damian he was extracting himself from Luke's life. That doesn't' sound like someone who would be kidnapping Luke. I think we are going to have some explaining to do when Aaron gets here…if you're right and he's coming."

"Aaron didn't really say much other than that he was really worried about Luke and you, since no one has heard from you. I think we should get Noah and figure out what to do if Aaron does show up here."

"That's a good idea," Holden frowned. "We need to talk to Noah."

"Talk to Noah about what?" Noah asked as he passed through the living room. "Is something wrong?"

"Well," Abby said turning to face him, "You know how you wanted me to call back home and see how things were there? " She waited for Noah's acknowledgement before she continued. "Well Aaron called me, just a little while ago and well…I may have been too evasive and pushed his got to rescue my sister button. It is entirely possible that he is on his way here now, even as we speak."

Noah sighed. "How bad do you think that will be?"

"Well it could have its advantages," Abby explained. "Aaron would be able to talk to Ali about Luke's meds, and we could have them filled anywhere and he could go and get them without it being traced back to us. He is really worried about Dad, and Luke, so I don't think it will be a big problem. I just want us to be prepared."

"Okay, that shouldn't be a problem. I don't know exactly how Luke feels about Aaron…do you think I should let him know." He frowned and ran a hand through his hair. "Actually maybe not, I don't want to excite him, but I don't want him to think that someone found him and is going to take him back there either. I like Aaron though; I know he cares about Luke, that was pretty evident when Luke was in the hospital. What do you think we should do sir?"

Holden's expression was thoughtful as he looked at his daughter and Noah. "Maybe you should tell him that Abby talked to Aaron, and that he was very concerned about him, and see how he takes that. And then go from there. I don't want him upset, but blindsiding him if Aaron does show up would be worse."

"Exactly," Noah agreed. "I'll talk to him about it. I'm glad we are going to be able to get his medicine though, so that's at least a plus. We will have to be very careful about Aaron knowing though. Only he and Ali can be aware of things. Otherwise we risk Luke getting hurt and I know you guys won't let that happen, and neither will I. If worse comes to worse I'll take him where no one can find him, and I don't want to do that, unless it becomes necessary."

"We don't want it to come to that either," Holden admitted. "And I fully believe that we can trust Aaron and Ali. If I didn't think that was the case, I would call Aaron myself and let him know that I am okay, and try to throw everyone off."

"I'll see what I can do," Noah said with a sigh. "I just hope this doesn't backfire on us."

Luke stared blankly at the page for a few minutes before putting the pen to paper. He wrote for a few minutes and stopped. He frowned, and thought about scribbling it out, but decided against it. He didn't want to ruin Noah's gift in anyway. He thought for a moment and started to write again, trying to concentrate on what he wanted to say. The pen scratched the paper as he wrote, pausing every few minutes to rest his hand. He looked at all he had written and his face grew sadder. He tried again and a smile replaced the frown as he went on a tangent he liked. But just when he thought he was going somewhere, it just stopped.

He closed the book angrily and shoved it aside, his head falling to the desk as Noah entered the room. "Luke are you okay?" Noah asked coming to stand beside him. He placed a hand on Luke's shoulder, trying to soothe him, though he wasn't sure if it was working this time.

"I just don't want to write anymore" Luke announced, his words sounding muffled.

"Can you sit up and look at me?"

Luke complied and turned to face Noah. He was surprised to see that Noah wasn't angry at him. "Thank you very much for the gift, Noah but I don't think it will work out."

"Don't give up, Luke. If you are having a bad day that's fine…but don't give up over one bad day okay? "

"Will you look at it…when I finish?"

"If you want me to, I don't want to invade your privacy."

"But I trust you," Luke said matter of factly. "Thank you for thinking about my privacy though, I appreciate that. I'm not used to having that anymore so it's okay."

'No it's not okay," Noah insisted. "Everyone deserves privacy and I will make sure you get it. I would be honored to read your writing though. Right now though, I need to talk to you about something."

"Okay," Luke said his elbow on the table, his head resting against his hand. "I'm listening."

Noah sighed. "Your sister had an interesting phone call today, and I need to tell you about it."

"Who called?"

"Aaron."

"MY brother?" Luke asked, and shook his head as if he knew that were a dumb question. "Aaron called? He doesn't know I'm here does he?"

Noah took a moment to gauge Luke's reaction. Those green flecked eyes were wide, and he was frowning. His shoulders were tense but Noah was sure that wasn't' about Aaron per se. He wasn't getting the sense that Luke was afraid of him, just the possibility of being betrayed.

"He doesn't know you're here Luke, but it is possible that he could be coming here. But I don't want you to panic about that okay? I just wanted you to be aware of it. We're going to get his help with your medicine, and swear him to secrecy too."

"Noah I don't want to go back there. I don't' want to have surgery."

"You aren't going anywhere unless I take you, understand."

"But if he's coming, then he's going to want to take me back there. You won't be able to stop him."

"Luke, trust me."

"But…"

Noah cupped his face with his hands and pressed their foreheads together. "Trust me," he said pressing his lips softly against Luke's, just enough to apply pressure. "Trust that I am not going to let anything happen to you, Okay. No one is going to take you away. That's a promise Luke…one I intend to keep."

Luke tried again with the writing that afternoon. He took his journal into the kitchen, since Noah insisted that he should get out of the bedroom some, and he sat at the table writing down his thoughts. It was a painstaking task, since his thoughts seemed to trickle like water from a leaky faucet.

He was still writing when Holden came and sat down across from him. He acknowledged His dad's presence and tried to finish his thought before putting the pen down and closing the book. "Hi dad," he said folding his hands in front of him.

"Hi son," Holden said taking a sip from his glass. "What are you working on there?"

"Noah bought me this notebook" Luke said with a shrug. "I was just seeing…if I could write but it's not really working well."

"I am sorry to hear that. I know that your writing used to be very important to you. Is that something they wouldn't let you do while you were there?"

"They took my writing away," Luke said frowning. "I just couldn't do it anymore. It was just gone."

"Did they take it away all at once, or did something trigger its removal"

Luke tilted his head as if he were trying to think about the question. He didn't really know the answer to that. He just knew that one day he tried to write and the words wouldn't come. He couldn't even formulate a single sentence. "I don't know…what you're asking dad. It just wasn't' there. They said that I couldn't have my journal anymore but I could keep writing letters…but that just stopped. It just stopped."

"Luke I am so sorry," Holden said sympathetically. "I know how important your writing is. It has been the one constant through all the years. I can't remember a time when you didn't have a journal beside your bed that you were writing in. I wish I could fix this for you and make it all better like I fixed things when you were a kid, but I can't do that. Instead I will tell you time and again that I am here if you want or need to talk."

"I don't want you to feel sorry for me, Dad. Luke insisted. "I just…I…" He bit his lip and tried to articulate what he wanted to say. It used to be easy to talk to his dad. He used to be able to tell him anything. Now though there was a struggle. He felt like he was trying to climb a wall that didn't want to be climbed. Just when he got his grip the edges would become smooth again and he slid back down to the ground. "I just feel like…like I'm empty," he admitted. "Talking to you like this is even hard because…because I don't know what to say anymore. I'm sorry I am making this so hard."

"It's not your fault Luke. None of this is your fault," Holden reiterated. HE drained his glass and set it on the table before continuing with his explanation. "It's not that I feel sorry for you, I just wish that I could take all the pain away and give you back what you have lost and I know I can't do that. I hate that you feel so empty of thoughts and words, hopefully with time and Noah working with you and me and Abby being here for support will help that come back to you."

Silence fell for a moment as he let all his dad was saying sink in. HE wanted to believe all of that, and he did for the most part. It sounded like what Noah told him…and it did seem like his dad was actually hearing him this time. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard. "Do you trust Noah, Dad?" he asked as something new occurred to him.

"Absolutely," Holden said without hesitation. "I trust Noah. If I didn't trust him he wouldn't be here. Noah has been heaven sent not only for you, but for me as well."

"How so?" Luke asked curiously. Talking about Noah was something he wanted to do, but he wasn't sure if anyone would let him.

"Well," Holden said thoughtfully, "Noah is a god send for me, because he has been able to reach you in a way that none of the rest of us have. I know that Noah cares about what happens to you, and that when the chips were down he was on your side and not afraid to oppose your mother. He's a tough cookie, our Noah is and I am glad he is fighting on my side and not against me."

Luke smiled, a genuine smile, and that fact didn't' go unnoticed by his dad. "I feel like that too," he admitted. "I mean that Noah has been good to me, and I don't know why he does that. I hope…I hope…well I just want everyone else to like him too. I don't know what it means…and…" HE trailed off and frowned, his hand going up to his temple rubbing at it lightly.

"Luke are you okay? Is your head hurting?" Holden reached out to touch him and Luke moved back quickly. He had to put his hand on the table to keep from pushing the chair over.

"I'm…ow...okay just I don't know what we were talking about." He squinted a bit, trying to stay the pain. He managed to get it to go away and he focused on his dad again. "I probably shouldn't' enjoy having Noah around so much should I?"

"Son there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying having Noah around. Not a thing. Noah is a great guy and he cares about you and what happens to you. If he didn't care he wouldn't have picked up and left Oakdale to come out here to be with us."

Luke resisted the urge to rub at his head again. "Was that his decision? I don't remember how we got here, but Noah was telling me that it was decided after the doctor wanted to operate. And I don't…" He closed his eyes and concentrated for a moment, he wanted to finish this conversation with his dad. "Dad why did you do it?" he asked changing the subject yet again.

"Noah made the decision to come here on his own. I was with your mother and Damien when the Dr. was talking about doing surgery on you and Noah passionately disagreed. After your mom and Damien left Noah laid out the facts for me and I could not let them do anything else to you. I love you son. Plain and simple, that's what made me take you out of the hospital and Oakdale. Noah has been by your side since the very beginning of this latest mess and I think the only thing that would make him leave was if you didn't want him here. He cares about you Luke and I can see the way your face lights up when you talk about Noah, but I also see that the thought of getting too close to Noah causes you pain. There is nothing wrong with caring son. Nothing at all."

"It's just not fair dad. Noah does make me smile, but I am not supposed to be happy and smiling makes my head hurt. IT's like, it's like," Luke closed his eyes as a sharp pain shop through his head. He bowed his head to the table and tried to breathe in t make it go away. "Don't touch me," he said when he felt Holden's hand on his arm. Just…just don't touch me."

"No touching, I got it, Luke" Holden tried to soothe. "I am right here though, tell me what I can do to help. I can see that you are in pain, son. I don't know who told you it wasn't ok for you to be happy, but they were wrong. There is no reason why you can't be happy about being with Noah. Please son, let me help you ease this pain. Will you let me try something that use to work when you were younger to ease your headaches?"

Luke lifted his head a little to look at his dad skeptically. His head was throbbing now and he wished it would just stop. "What's that?" he asked, wincing.

"Just sit right there, you don't have to do anything," Holden said as he approached his son once more. "I am going to put my fingers on your temples and rub them softly. Not going to hurt you at all, if you don't like it or are uncomfortable tell me to stop." As he spoke he gently massaged Luke's temples, gently trying to relieve some of the pressure. "This used to work really well to help ease the headaches you had when you were younger. It takes the pressure off your head and sends the tension there away so it can ease the hurt.

Luke closed his eyes and tried to relax. His father's fingers did seem to be helping a little. The pain turned into a dull ache, but it didn't seem to want to disappear completely. "Thanks dad," he said his voice soft as his father's fingers continued massaging.

"Is everything okay?" He heard Noah ask. He opened one eye to sneak a peek at his best friend who was now standing close by.

"Hey Noah," Holden greeted. "I think so. Luke got hit with a massive headache that came on very quickly so I was trying something that used to work to ease his headaches when he was younger."

Noah frowned. "Luke is it helping?" he asked, placing a hand on Luke's shoulder.

"Yes," Luke said contentedly.

"What caused the headache?" Noah asked, directing the question at Holden.

"I'm not entirely sure." Holden admitted. He brushed the hair out of his son's face before removing his hand completely. "We were having a nice talk, and we were actually talking about you, and how much I appreciate all that you have done to help us. I told Luke that for me you were a god send. It seemed to hit him out of nowhere."

"Dad said he trusts you Noah," Luke said proudly. "I was just glad that he really likes my best friend, and then the headache came from there"

"Well, I guess we have to counter the fact that you have headaches when you are happy. Were you writing again?"

"A little," Luke admitted. "I think I'll go try to write some more."

"Are you sure?" Noah asked as Luke got up and grabbed his journal and his pen.

"Yes. Thanks for talking to me, dad," he said giving his father a small smile before he left the room.

"I'd say that is a step in the right direction," Noah commented with a smile. "You guys were able to talk. Though I don't know why you wanted to talk about me. I would think that would be a rather boring topic sir."

"Son, you are not boring at all," Holden said placing a hand on Noah's shoulder before going to the refrigerator. "As a matter of fact, I think talking about you helped bridge the gap a little bit." He poured Noah a glass of juice, then refilled his glass as well. "You are one topic that Luke and I can talk about and him not feel like I am pushing for answers that he either can't or won't give."

"I'm glad to hear it," Noah said sipping his drink. "I don't think I'm that fascinating, but if Luke likes to talk about me I will take it as a good sign. And I'm glad you were able to get him to talk too, even if just a little. I definitely want him to have his relationship with you…I mean you're an awesome dad. Mine," Noah frowned and took another sip of juice before setting the glass down. "I'm glad that you think I am a good help to Luke, sir, but the truth is, if I can be honest…he's a big help to me. Both of you are…as I've never really h ad anyone counting on me before it's nice to feel wanted for a change."

"Noah, I hope that you know that I think of you as a son. I couldn't love you any more than if you were my own flesh and blood. You are definitely wanted and needed here and whenever you doubt that you come find me. I honestly don't know where Luke would be today without you. I can guess, and it is not a pretty picture."

Noah opened his mouth to respond but he truly didn't know what to say. Holden might as well have told him he just won a million dollars. He was that shocked, and in awe. It was nice to know that Luke's dad cared so much about him, after such a short amount of time.

"Noah! Dad?" Luke called from the living room. The two men exchanged looks before rushing to see what had Luke so panicked.

They stopped dead in their tracks when they saw that Luke was standing in front of the open door. Luke turned to face them, before his eyes darted back to his big brother. 'Aaron's here."

13


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

"Noah," He called the panic settling in as he looked at his big brother standing before him. "Dad!" Even though they had told him Aaron may show up, it still surprised him that he was standing in front of him. He couldn't read the expression on his brother's face, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to. Was that shock he saw? Disbelief? Did he have something to worry about, or was he overanalyzing…over thinking. He had been accused of thinking too much, but he couldn't help it.

He heard footsteps behind him and turned just in time to see Noah and Holden skid to a stop. They registered shock too as Luke looked back at Aaron. "Aaron's here," he said stating the obvious. He turned his gaze on Noah, hoping that his best friend would know what to say or do at this moment. Surely he had some idea.

"Let him in, Luke," Noah said, sounding calm and in control. Luke admired that a lot, he wished he could be more like Noah. He stepped aside to let his brother enter and then closed the door behind him. He was watching Aaron, waiting to see what he would say or what he would do. The minute his brother suggested he go back home he was going to bolt.

"Where is she?" Aaron asked, with a hint of anger in his voice that made Luke frown. Still he said nothing as he watched Aaron face off with Noah and Holden. "Where's Abby? And what are you doing here Dad? And you," Aaron charged, his gaze directly on Noah. "I thought you had taken yourself out of the picture. What are you doing here with my brother?"

"Aaron, just calm down." Noah was still calm; Luke wondered how he managed to do that. He himself was about ready to freak, but not Noah. His best friend was as cool as a cucumber. "We can explain everything; there is no need to get upset."

"Don't you dare tell me how to feel," Aaron snapped."

"Hey, don't yell at him," Luke railed. "He didn't do anything to you, Aaron."

"Okay that's enough," Holden added his voice to the chaos. "Yelling and screaming is not getting us anywhere. Let's sit down and discuss this like reasonable adults."

"Noah, I couldn't find the brand of…" Abby was saying as she entered the house, stopping when she saw that they had a visitor. "Aaron, you're here." she said putting down her bag of groceries and going to give her little brother a hug.

Luke watched as Aaron placed his hands on Abby's shoulders, and seemed to think a minute before hugging her close. The reunion didn't last long however, as the next thing Luke knew, Aaron was yelling again. "How could you lie to me like that, Abby?" He asked indignantly. "Here I was worried about you, because you sounded evasive on the phone. And I poured out my story about our brother being missing and you knew where he was the whole time. What kind of game are you pulling here? And how could you be working with that guy."

"Aaron, stop picking on Noah," Luke immediately went into protective mode again. "No one is going to listen to you if you continue to yell, so stop it."

"Luke." He felt Noah's hand on his shoulder and turned to see his best friend smiling at him. "It's okay, I've got this. Don't let Aaron upset you."

"Aaron, I can explain," Abby spoke up. "I wasn't trying to be deceitful on the phone, but I was sworn to secrecy and I couldn't risk anyone finding out where Luke was."

"Your mother is worried sick, Luke," Aaron said calming his voice just a little. "She and Damian have been asking everyone where you are. Did you guys even think before you did this?" he turned on the others again and Luke's frown deepened. "Does Luke have his medication? Was he even in his right mind when you just whisked him away from the hospital? And was it your idea Abby? Were you in on this scheme all along?"

"I'm not crazy." He said looking to Noah for confirmation. "Right?"

Noah sighed. "You're not crazy, Luke. Aaron is just blowing off a little steam. We'll get it all figured out soon. Come on; let's give your dad and your siblings a chance to talk." Luke nodded and followed after glaring at Aaron one last time.

"Aaron, it's not like that," Abby said when Luke and Noah were out of earshot. "Of course we're concerned about Luke's health. That was part of the reason why I called you in the first place."

"I called you," Aaron reminded her. "You seriously expect me to believe that you were going to call me?"

"Your sister has no reason to lie to you, Aaron," Holden piped up. "This is a very delicate situation, and Luke's health is our first priority."

"You sure have a funny way of showing that." Aaron retorted.

"Oh will you get off your self-righteous high horse and listen for a change," Abby groaned. "If you want to know what's going on you have to stop yelling long enough for me to tell you. And besides I don't know if you noticed, but you're upsetting our brother."

Aaron crossed his arms and took a seat on the couch. "Fine, explain."

"I was going to call you to see if you could get us the medications that Luke needs," Abby started with her story. "Noah is well aware that he is running out, and he just didn't know how to go about making sure he has them."

"So we're following Noah's orders now?" Aaron asked exasperated.

"It's not like that, Aaron," Holden stated.

"Then what is it like, Dad. The way I see it, you guys have put Luke's life in the hands of someone we don't even know."

"Maybe you don't know him," Holden pointed out. "But I lived with him for a few months before Luke came home. And Luke responds well to him. In truth, he knows Luke a lot better than any of us do, and he's been taking very good care of him."

"You shouldn't be mad at Abby, Aaron," Noah said returning to the living room. "It was my idea to get Luke out of the hospital, but you must understand that Damian and Lily wanted to let the doctors operate. Luke didn't want an operation. Simple brain tests freaked him out. I was there, I saw him panic. It was best that we get him out of there. Your father chose California because it would be the last place anyone would think to look. Thing is, Luke needs his kidney medicine. And we need a way to fill it without having it traced, and that's where you come in."

"And you can't tell anyone that Luke is here," Holden added. "It's important that no one finds me, or Noah and especially Luke."

"What if the surgery fixed what's wrong with him?" Aaron asked calming down long enough to look at Noah seriously. "I am all for helping my little brother, but I want him to be okay too."

"There's nothing wrong with him, per se," Noah countered. The doctors and everyone have Luke convinced that he's got another sickness but he really doesn't. His kidney condition is controlled, and will continue to be so once we get the meds. But as for his head, he's as sane as you and I. Just a little mixed up about things he was told and taught to believe."

"This is crazy. I thought he was in rehab? What kind of rehab facility could have done this to him?"

"That's a long story, Little brother," Abby stated and I would be happy to share it with you, but can you agree first to do this? Can you keep Luke's secret and help us get his medication?"

"I can try," Aaron said after a moment's pause. "I'd do anything for Luke, You know that. I only want him to be okay."

"Then trust us," Noah pleaded. "Believe me Aaron; I care about your brother a great deal. I wouldn't have suggested him leaving the hospital if I didn't think it was in his best interest. Luke has spent a year with people telling him how he's supposed to feel and what he's supposed to do. It's important that we give Luke back his voice. He knows what he wants and what he doesn't want."

"Lily says he's sick," Aaron frowned. "He passed out at lunch and doesn't even remember. I don't see how this is good."

"What Luke needs is for people to let him be who he is. Too many people want to change him, Aaron, and they can't. He just wants to be Luke."

"Well, if that's the case," Aaron said a smile touching his lips at Noah's words, "then of course I'll help. I only want my little brother to be happy, and it seems that you have his best interests at heart. Just tell me what I need to d."

While Noah talked to Aaron, Luke tried to write in his journal again. It proved harder than anything because he couldn't concentrate. How could he when his mind kept drifting to what was going on outside the door. He dared not listen, eavesdropping wasn't nice and he didn't want Noah to think he didn't trust him. His best friend was the only one he trusted completely and totally…though he was beginning to remember how much he loved his dad. And Abby wasn't bad either, he liked her. Still Noah…he knew without a doubt that he could count on him.

But what if Aaron didn't listen to Noah? What if his brother decided he was going to pull rank and say that he had to go home with him? Aaron didn't seem to like Noah at all, which was problematic. And he was mad at Abby and at their dad… Luke frowned, and tried once again to focus on the empty page. He was surprised to realize that he had filled up the pages with little bits here and there, but never anything substantial. The fresh sheet of paper glared at him and he slammed the book shut even as he heard the door open.

He jumped up from his seat and ran to Noah, pulling his friend over to the bed so they could sit down. "Noah, I don't want to go," he said immediately before Noah could say anything. "I know Aaron is my brother, and he can pull rank because he's older, but Abby's older than him and she can pull rank too. And Dad, dad definitely can pull rank. Please don't make me go back. You promised I wouldn't go back there until I was ready to."

"Luke," Noah cupped Luke's face with his hands to get him to look at him. "Stop." He tried to relax beneath that intense blue gaze, and somehow managed to control his breathing. Noah was still holding his cheeks, and he could feel the heat from those palms. It felt nice. "I'm not going to let anyone take you anywhere, alright?" Noah let go, placing his hands on Luke's shoulders instead. "You don't have anything to worry about. Aaron is on our side."

"He won't tell? You're sure about that?"

"He wants to help, Luke. Don't worry I will keep an eye on him, but I think he's sincere. Abby's explaining everything to him now, and your dad is making sure he understands."

"And then what," Luke asked still a little uncertain.

"Aaron is going to call Ali and see about getting your prescriptions refilled. Once we have your medicines we can get you back on a routine, and we can start helping you get your life back."

"Do you really think that will work?" Luke wanted to know. "I mean can I be normal?"

"You are normal," Noah replied softly. "You've just had too many people trying to convince you otherwise. I think we have a long road ahead of us Luke…You're having a good day today, and tomorrow could be better but it could also be worse. Just trust that I won't let you fall okay? Can you do that?"

"Yes, Noah," he said without even thinking about it. I trust you."

_September 25_

_Noah says I should try to write down what I'm thinking. HE thinks that if I just write, and try not to think about things too hard the words might come. I decided I would give that a try. It has been a few says since Aaron came, but I haven't really talked to him much. I don't know why I am avoiding him really. Noah says that I'm not ready to trust him yet and he said there is nothing wrong with that._

_I do not know why I can't…trust him. He hasn't done anything wrong… I guess I can admit that I am afraid. Too much has happened and I have been hurt too many times. Noah seems to think he's okay and I trust Noah's judgment. I think I will go talk to my brother._

Luke stopped and looked over what he had written before closing the book. His thoughts often stopped like this, but at least this time it was somewhat coherent. He figured Noah would be proud, if he ever got a chance to see it. Luke stored his journal in the desk drawer by the bed and went to see if he could find his best friend. Noah had mentioned something about going to the pharmacy with Aaron, but Luke was certain they were back by now.

He found his brother sitting in the living room reading the L.A. Times. He walked over to the couch and sat down quietly not wanting to interrupt. It took a few minutes, but Aaron did look up from the paper and he immediately put it to the side, a move which took Luke off guard. It didn't matter how many times Noah told him that people wanted to talk to him; it always surprised him.

"Hi." He said shyly, ducking his head to avoid Aaron's gaze.

"Hey there Little brother," Aaron said smiling. "How are you doing this afternoon?"

"Okay, I guess," Luke said shrugging his shoulders. "I just figured I would come talk to you…if you wanted to."

"Of course I'd love to talk to you, Luke. Did you have something specific in mind?"

Luke opened his mouth to say something but didn't really know what he wanted to say. He hadn't thought that far ahead. He was trying his best not to be nervous or intimidated. It was only Aaron and Noah had mentioned that Aaron was on their side.

"It's okay, Little brother. How are you liking California? Have you been able to get out and see anything since you got here?"

"Well, not really. I've been out with Noah a couple of times…but I don't really like venturing anywhere. So I stay in the house. Noah took me with him to the grocery store, and we drove around a little…but that's it."

"You are pretty close to Noah," Aaron observed," is he good to you Luke? You are my brother and I love you. I am so sorry for the way I acted when I got here. It's just everyone at home is pointing fingers and placing blame and then to find you here with Dad, Noah and Abby really kinda threw me for a loop."

Luke blinked and shook his head, too many questions at once and he wanted to process them all. "Do you think I am too close to Noah?" He asked ready to fight if Aaron said he had to stay away from his best friend. "Why is everyone pointing fingers at home? I didn't mean to cause so much trouble. Noah just wanted to help, and Dad wanted to help too and they thought coming here was the best choice."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa little brother. No one is mad at you, just worried because of the way you disappeared on us. I don't know Noah well enough to answer whether you are too close to him, but I can see he is very important to you, and I would venture a guess, after having spent some time with him, that he feels the same way about you. Do what feels right to you Luke. Don't take my word, or Abby's, or Dad's, or Noah's or anyone else for that matter; you have to do what feels right to you. I know they said you haven't been yourself since you came home from that rehab place, and I can see that for myself, but just know that I am here, little brother. If you ever want to talk or vent or go for a ride you just let me know, and we will do it."

"How long are you going to be here?" Luke asked a little surprised by Aaron's statements. "And did they tell you where I really was?"

"I'm not sure how long I will be here, I guess as long as you, dad or Abby need me to be. I have nothing pressing back home, so not a big deal for me to hang out here and catch up with my family. As for where you really were, all I have been told is that you were in rehab, is that not where you were?"

"Well…I don't know what to tell you exactly, Aaron it's not very good. But I wasn't in rehab for drinking. That's just what Dad believed was going on. I want you to stay though. I mean…if you want can you?"

"Of course I'll stay. Don't worry Luke, we'll get this all worked out, and get you back to your old self. You just let me know what I can do to help. I don't want to step on anyone's toes and I don't want to undo whatever Noah and Dad and Abby have been doing. So I will wait for you to let me know how I can best help ok?"

Luke took a moment to look into his brother's eyes. He was trying to gauge his reactions and his words. It wasn't easy, even though it used to be. Noah was better at it, but his best friend wasn't there to help this time. "Would it be okay," He asked hesitantly, "If I asked you something important."

"Little brother you can ask me anything. I may not have the answer, but I will certainly do my best."

"Well," Luke said trying to figure out the best way to ask his question. He didn't want to lose his nerve now that he had the opportunity to ask…"I am supposed to be…straight, but I really don't know how to do that, and honestly I don't think I want to. How do you like being straight?"

"Ummmmm," Aaron said not really sure how to respond. "Ok, little brother that was so not what I was expecting you to ask, but I will try." He sat quiet for a moment, and Luke frowned, wondering if his brother would answer the question at all. "Being straight or gay is not a choice we make," Aaron explained, "its part of who we are, and there is nothing wrong with the fact that you're gay. It's just a part of what makes you, you. It's not a bad thing and there is absolutely nothing wrong with being who you are. As for how I like being straight, well I haven't ever really given that much thought. I love Ali, and she makes me very happy so I would have to say that being straight for me is not such a bad thing. Did someone tell you there was something wrong with you because you're gay?"

"Yeah," Luke said lamely. "But I…I don't know how to act any other way. I tried. I tried to be closed off and aloof…but I don't understand how that is supposed to make someone straight. I mean, you aren't like that. And Dad…but I was told that real men aren't supposed to show their emotions, and when I did I got in trouble for them. And that seemed to be all the time, but I can't cut them off…and it makes my head hurt when I have a…a…" He frowned as he lost the words he wanted to use. He covered his face with his hands and sucked in his breath. "Where's Noah?" his voice came out muffled, but he wondered if Aaron even heard him.

"Easy there Luke," Aaron said worried. "Deep breaths. Noah is in the other room working on something. I can get him for you if you need me too, but I really would like to talk you through this if you'll let me."

"Okay," Luke gasped. He wasn't sure what was going on, and he really just wanted Noah, but he wanted to talk to Aaron too.

"Buddy, I don't know who told you real men don't show their emotions," Aaron started softly, "but they're completely wrong. I show my emotions every day, when I am with Ali, it just happens naturally. Dad is the same way with Lily. Being gay doesn't mean you aren't a real man, it just means that you don't view your choice of partner in the same way that Dad or I do. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for having feeling for another man." He paused for a moment, studying Luke quizzically before continuing. "I'm just going to take a stab at this because I'm so not an expert, but when you try and suppress the feelings that you have for another man then your head hurts, and it makes you sick because you think that by having feelings for another man there is something wrong with you. Am I close?"

Luke looked up, frowning at his brother. He heard what Aaron was saying, but he didn't really quite understand. It went against everything he had been taught while he was away. But how did he tell his brother that? Noah had told him similar things about where his headaches were coming from. He just didn't know how to stop them. And he wanted to believe that it was okay to be one way or the other…but he wasn't sure about that either.

"I don't know," He said sincerely. "I…I know Noah said something like that too. But I can't help it, because it hurts and when I have those thoughts it hurts. When I try to just be me it hurts so badly and it makes me want to cry. I can't just turn off my emotions, Aaron. Noah tells me not to, and I want to listen to him…but it hurts so much." He closed his eyes tight and tried to breathe like Noah had told him to do so many times. Noah had said there would be bad times as well as good…he wasn't sure if he liked that.

"You don't need to turn off your emotions, Luke," Aaron pointed out. "There is nothing wrong with giving in to what you're feeling; laughing, crying, loving, hating, happiness and sadness, those are things we deal with every day. Your head hurts because you're trying to force away the things that seem to make you happy, and that's your brain's way of telling you to stop. If kissing, holding, being with another man makes you happy, go for it brother. I don't know who told you it was wrong to have those emotions, but they were dead wrong, and I have no doubt that Noah, Dad and Abby would back me up on that. It breaks my heart to see you hurting. You're the kindest, most loving of all us kids, and for someone to tell you that you aren't a real man for having emotions just makes me want to put my boxing gloves back on and pummel someone."

"I don't know how to have those feelings anymore," Luke confessed. "They're all stuck somewhere on the shelf and sometimes they get scattered around, and I don't know how to get them back up there. And I don't even know why it matters to me so much. I'm not as loving as you think I am. And I honestly don't know why Noah wants to be my best friend…but he does. And I think there's' a reason why I feel safe with him…I'm just so confused, about that and Dad and everything."

"Can I be perfectly honest with you here, little brother and you not get mad or upset about what I am going to say?"

Luke bit his lip and nodded slowly. He was scared of what his brother was going to say…but he didn't want to show it.

"Luke, you don't have to know how to have feelings of love. They are there and they're written all over your face. I saw it my first day here, shoot, almost within the first 5 minutes I was here. Don't put your love back on that shelf when it falls off, you have to open it up and let it happen; let others in. Me, Dad, Abby and especially Noah. I may not have liked what I found when I walked through that door that day, but it didn't take me long to figure it out, and I think if you just put aside all the things, whoever those stupid people were told you then you'll see it too. I've seen the same look on Dad's face, on Lily's face, heck even on Ali's face that I see on your face. You're falling in love with Noah, and buddy there is absolutely nothing at all that is wrong with that. Don't let anyone tell you there is and don't shut him out because of the way you feel."

Luke was speechless. He didn't know what to say to that…he wasn't even sure what he thought about it. Was it possible that Aaron was telling the truth? That made no sense though…did it? He frowned, Noah was very important to him. He was his best friend and he was very dependent on him. But was Aaron right about what that meant? If that were the case then it wasn't a good thing at all, and as he thought about it the panic began to sink in.

"Are…are you sure?" he asked cautiously. "I don't know if that's a good thing, Aaron. God that can't be possible at all. This…this is a disaster, and you can't tell Noah."

"Tell Noah? Little brother I'm not gonna tell Noah anything. That's for you to tell when you're ready and not before. There is no disaster here, Luke, don't panic, please I can see it in your eyes that you're starting to panic. I'm sorry Luke, I didn't mean to upset you, I just want you to understand that there is nothing wrong with loving Noah, if that's what you want to do, or how you feel. I love you little brother, I always have and I always will. Gay or straight doesn't matter to me; I love you just the way you are"

"I'm so confused. I need to talk to Noah," Luke said frowning. "Aaron…are you sure?"

"Bro there are a lot of things in life I'm not sure about, but this is one thing I am absolutely dead certain of. Follow your heart little brother. It won't lead you wrong."

"One problem," Luke said lowering his voice as he leaned closer to his brother. "I don't know how to do that. And I don't want Noah to hate me, and I just don't know what to do."

'I don't think Noah could ever hate you Luke," Aaron said thoughtfully. "As for following your heart, you do know how to do that, you just need to relearn how to listen to it. Let Noah be your guide through it. He won't steer you wrong, he cares too much about you to let you get hurt, much less hurt you himself."

"Okay," Luke said his expression thoughtful. "I guess I can try that. I just don't want to mess it up. And I don't want to…I don't know. I think I confused myself. Thank you for talking to me, Aaron. I want to find Noah though."

"Anytime little brother, anytime. I think you can find Noah out in the backyard going over some of the research he has been gathering."

"Okay," Luke said getting up from the couch. He was still frowning when he left the living room, not quite sure what he was going to say when he found his best friend. Aaron's words were playing around in his mind, and all he managed to do was confuse himself more. It just couldn't be possible…could it? That despite the year he spent away he was still having feelings for guys? Aaron said those feelings weren't wrong, and that went against everything he had been told…but it was like everything Noah and his dad told him. Which was right? What was the truth? How was he supposed to know? And why did he feel like he was losing his mind?

Noah was right where Aaron had said he'd be; sitting on the back porch working on his laptop. Luke came out and sat down across from him, his hands folded as he waited for Noah to notice that he was there. He didn't mind waiting, he liked watching Noah work. His head was tilted just so, his jaw set in concentration, and every now and again Luke caught of glimpse of those crystal clear eyes. Blue eyes were his weakness, and this particular pair never ceased to captivate him.

It seemed like a lot of time passed before Noah looked up and smiled at him. Luke couldn't tell if he was surprised to see him or glad or bothered that he was there. He knew the last one couldn't be the case…Noah didn't smile when he was bothered by something. He decided to try on a smile himself. Noah always said he wanted him to do that more. "Hi," He said keeping his voice soft.

"Hi there," Noah said putting his laptop aside. "How was your talk with Aaron? I am so glad that you were able to do that."

"How did you know I actually talked to him" Luke asked curiously.

"I saw you through the doorway as I was coming outside," Noah explained. "I knew you didn't see me, but Aaron knew I was there. You guys seemed to be doing ok, and I didn't want to intrude. Is something wrong?"

Luke shook his head. "I wanted to know where you were when my head started to hurt. But Aaron talked to me and then I think I got confused."

"What were you guys talking about when your head started hurting?"

"Well," Luke said his tone thoughtful, "I was trying to ask about being straight, and I explained that I didn't know how to do it. And I was trying to explain about my headaches and then I had one."

"Was he able to tell you what you needed to know? How's your headache now?"

"The headache is gone, Noah but I think I'm confused."

"I'm glad your headache is gone. Do you want to tell me what has you confused?"

"I don't know if I can, Noah. I…I want to, but then I think we'd both be confused. I just don't understand how this is supposed to work. I feel like…like my mind keeps going around in circles on me, and things that should make sense don't. And things that don't make sense should and I'm not sure what to say about my feelings or if I should even have feelings. And," He frowned and looked down at his hands as if they had the answers to his questions. He knew he couldn't talk to Noah about the biggest question of all. Not if he didn't understand it himself. If he did anything to push Noah out of his life, then…life just wasn't worth it. So he had to prevent that from happening.

"Well," Noah said slowly, "you know I was always told that two heads were better than one at solving problems, so why don't we take a chance that that is true and see if we can work this out together. I care about you Luke; I don't want you to be confused. So please tell me what has you so tied up in knots."

"I'm not supposed to do that though," Luke insisted. "I'm confused because I'm not supposed to want to do the things I want. And I should be thinking the things I don't want to think. And whenever I try to do one or the other I cannot really explain it and it makes no sense. And I feel like when I talk you are the only one who really listens, and you hear what I'm saying but maybe you don't understand because I don't even understand, Noah. Aaron said I need to let the books stay off the shelf and I need to open them and just let whatever happens happen. But how can I when that goes against everything I learned while I was away? I just don't get it."

"Ok," Noah said calmly, "first things first, forget everything you learned while you were away. It is only going to make things worse. Everything those people told you is a load of crap. So just try and forget it. Aaron is right; you need to let the books stay off the shelf. Let's take this one step at a time here, ok. First, is there a person who is confusing you with something they have done?"

"I'm always confused, Noah. I should just stop talking. I didn't mean to bother you with this"

"Luke, stop." Noah said reaching out to stop Luke from getting up. "You are not bothering me in the least. I want to help you not be confused, but I can't do that if you withdraw and don't talk to me. So tell me, is it a person that you are confused about?"

Luke didn't know what to say to that. Noah was asking him a direct question, and since they met he had never lied to Noah before. He didn't want to start; Noah was the only person he could talk to about just about anything. Would that still be the case if he told Noah that he was confused about him?

"It's you, Noah," He said finally just blurting it out. "I'm confused about you."

"Me?" Noah said sounding surprised. "Ok, well, what is it about me that confuses you? Don't run," he said when it looked like Luke was going to bolt again. "I'm not mad, angry, or upset; I just need you to be as honest as you can so that I know what we are working on here. I don't want to confuse you in any way so I need to know what you are thinking that has you confused."

"Well, you aren't really confusing me, Noah. I'm confused about you…like how I feel and what those feelings mean. I'm sure I'm not explaining it right, but if what Aaron said is true, then I'm not sure what to think because you are my best friend and I don't want you to leave."

"Leave? Luke, I am not going to leave you unless you tell me to go. Nothing that you tell me other than "Noah I want you to go away and never come back" is going to make that happen. Can you tell me what feelings we are talking about here so that I can maybe help you?"

Luke bit his lip as he looked at his friend. He knew he was worrying him, and he hated that. It was just so hard to understand. What if he told Noah the truth and Noah couldn't handle it? What if he said what he needed to say and it totally backfired and he lost Noah for good. What if… "I like you Noah," he blurted out before his mind could spiral out of control. "I like you."

"I like you too Luke. If I didn't I wouldn't be here. So what is it about liking me that has you so perplexed about your feelings? There is nothing wrong with liking me."

"I think its how much I like you," Luke said trying to explain. "I mean I don't just like you as a person...and that scares me because I've been hurt before." He frowned; sure that he wasn't making sense to Noah. "I'm not supposed to be feeling what I feel for you, Noah and I don't know if the feelings are the same name that Aaron used, but they are there and I can't make them go away. I don't want them to go away, but I don't get how I can have feelings that I can't begin to comprehend myself. How do you do something you don't know how to do or you don't remember ever doing?"

"You do it one step at a time," Noah explained, "just like learning to walk. We take things slow and easy and there is never pressure to do more than what you can do." He paused for a moment, and Luke wondered if he was going to answer the rest of his question. "As for how much you like me," Noah said finally, "I don't know that I could put into words how much you have come to mean to me in my life. I don't know what term Aaron used, but I have a pretty good guess based on how upset this has you, and I can tell you that there is absolutely nothing wrong at all with having those feelings. I don't want them to go away either, and the comprehension of those feelings will come Luke. You can't force it to happen any more than you can force it away. If you're trying to force your emotions to do something they don't want to that's what is causing these horrible headaches. Your brain knows what it is supposed to do, and when you try to override that then it hurts you to make you stop. Does that make sense? I won't hurt you Luke, at least not intentionally, but if there is something I don't know, I can't promise that I won't do something that hurts you."

"I want to believe that," Luke admitted sadly. "I want to believe everything you are saying Noah…and I like what you're saying. I just feel like there are reasons I can't trust it. Not you, I trust you…just not this, whatever it is. I don't think you'll hurt me…I think I'll hurt you and I could never live with myself if…if I did that. I think I'm too screwed up for anyone to really care about me Noah."

"Stop," Noah exclaimed, catching Luke off guard. "Stop right there. You are not too screwed up for anyone to care about you. I care about you," he said reaching out to take Luke's hand. "A lot, Luke, if something happened to you and I couldn't see or spend time with you I would be completely torn apart. Trust what you feel, Luke, if I didn't trust in what I feel for you I wouldn't be here. Your health and happiness are my only missions in life so don't think you are going to hurt me because of the level of your feelings for me."

A single tear slipped down Luke's cheek as he held tight to the hand Noah had offered. He looked deep into the sapphire sea and saw the truth of Noah's feelings. He wanted so badly to get lost in this. He wanted to get away from the pain and the hurting…but would doing so just cause him even more hurt and pain in the long run? Did he have a right to expect this from Noah? His best friend had already done so much for him, and he made promises that Luke was sure he would keep. He had no doubt that Noah was sincere. He just didn't know if he trusted himself.

"I'm sorry Noah," he said miserably. "I'm just so…messed up, and I don't even know how to fix it. I came out to my parents last year and…" He stopped for a minute and bit his lip. This was so painful for him to talk about, but he had to, and who better to hear it then his best friend…the only person he trusted completely. "And Mom, she couldn't handle it at all. Dad was good, but Mom didn't believe that I was sure about how I felt and then she got my…Damian involved and they…they wanted me to go to this place for the summer, and I didn't want to go. And that's when Mom fell down the stairs because I was trying to get her to stay away from me…and Dad thought it was my fault. And Damian told me that Dad wanted me to go to the summer camp and he said it was best if I just did it. He had the signed paper from dad, and so I went even though I didn't really want to."

He stopped long enough to take a breath. Noah was listening; Luke could tell that he had his best friend's full attention. His jaw was set again, but he couldn't read the expression there.

"They taught me how to lock away my emotions first. They said that real men are controlled, and not sympathetic. They don't show their emotions, and their exterior is cold…frozen like ice. Emotions complicate things and when you let them get in the way…it gets sloppy. We had a routine there too. Every morning they told us what to do, how to do it and how long we could spend doing it. We were told what to wear, what to eat and then there were the tests." He shuddered just thinking about the electrodes that were always stuck to his head. "They used pictures of girls to entice you, and if you reacted to one of the random shots of a guy they sent a shock to your groin…and that was tame compared to some of the other stuff."

"And they did this to you for over a year right?" Noah asked, his voice somehow managing to stay calm. Luke nodded and Noah sighed. "Luke, no amount of electrical shocks or any other kind of treatment is going to "cure" the fact that you're gay. It's just a part of who you are. You may can try and suppress your desires for another man, but eventually when your body realizes that those thoughts don't result in an electric shock it will all come flooding back to you. I'm gay, Luke, have known it for years before I actually let myself fully believe it, and opened up to those around me. I can't say why your Mom had the reaction she did to you telling her, but I can tell you that she never once treated me like being gay was an infectious disease that needed to be cured. Damian used your Mom's fall and your Dad's preoccupation with taking care of Lily and baby Ethan to get you to this camp. They were wrong Luke about so many, many things, but making you hurt because you are attracted to or desire another man is probably the worst kind of pain. There is no pain here, Luke," Noah placed his free hand on the side of Luke's face, "not for feeling what you feel or wanting to act on those feelings. No one here is going to hurt you or judge you for being who you are. You can't make Aaron or your Dad gay anymore than they can make you or me straight. Prove those idiots at that place wrong and show them that you are stronger than they are by being who you want to be with whomever you choose to be with."

"You make it sound so easy," Luke sighed and leaned his head back against the wall. "Do you think you can help me do that, Noah? Can you help me be me again? I miss me."

"Of course I will help you be you again. It's easy for me to say, but I know it's not so easy for you to put into action. Your family misses you too. I will do everything in my power to help make you whole again. No shocks, no beatings, no poking, no prodding, just me and you working on helping you express your feelings again. So don't feel like you can't talk about it with me. I can't help you if I don't know what you are thinking."

"Okay, Noah. I'll try. I kinda like the idea of it being me and you though," Luke said shyly "Is feeling all warm and fuzzy inside okay?"

"Feeling warm and fuzzy is perfectly fine," Noah smiled. "As a matter of fact it is great that you feel warm and fuzzy. Me and you, we can do anything if we put our minds to it."

"Will you be sure to tell me if I drive you insane? Or if I do something wrong? I don't really know how to do this."

"Of course I will let you know, but I don't think that is going to happen. You don't have to know how to do this, I don't know either, but one step at a time, and we will work it out and get you back to being you."

"Thank you," Luke said as he impulsively hugged his best friend. "I don't ever want to lose you Noah, never." He felt Noah's arms circle his waist and stayed in the embrace for a long moment before pulling away completely. "I'm going to go write some more in my journal. I was able to stick with a coherent thought for a little bit today."

"I'm glad to hear it," Noah said proudly. "I would like to take a look at it if you don't mind."

Luke smiled as he headed back into the house. "Yes Noah. I trust you."

Noah watched Luke leave and sighed heavily. He wasn't even sure how to wrap his head around the conversation he had just had with his best friend. His heart was hammering in his chest, and he was surprised that Luke didn't hear it when they hugged. He picked up his laptop and headed back into the kitchen, setting his laptop on the counter.

"Hey Noah," Aaron said as he looked in the fridge for something to drink. "You want a coke."

"I want you to answer a question for me," Noah said catching the can of soda in his hand.

"Sure what's up," Aaron said popping the top of the can.

"Not much," Noah said placing the can on the counter beside his computer. "Just wondering what the hell you were thinking when you told Luke whatever it was you told him?"

14


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

He was certain his question caught Aaron off guard, and he was even more sure that he sounded angrier then he really was. He wasn't angry per se just a little cross and irritated and a lot frustrated. It had taken quite some time to wade through Luke's confusion, and even now he wasn't certain if he did an adequate enough job explaining it to his friend. The thing was that Aaron; by telling Luke what he did had opened up a whole new can of worms that inevitably would confuse Luke even more. That was the source of Noah's agitation…at least for the most part. His sole purpose right now was caring about Luke and taking care of him. He couldn't even think about his own feelings…those were secondary.

"Well," he said when Aaron didn't answer his question. What were you thinking?"

"I'm not sure I know what you're talking about, Noah," Aaron stated as he took a sip of his soda. "I didn't tell Luke anything he didn't already know. What's your problem?"

"My problem is that I just spent the last fifteen minutes trying to help Luke be less confused, and I am not sure if that even worked. And it's all because you decided he needed to know that. What did you tell him?"

"He wasn't confused when he left me, Noah," Aaron shrugged. I only tried to tell him to follow his heart."

"He was confused when he came to me," Noah sighed. "He could barely explain to me what was going on, and when he did…you told him to what?" Noah stopped realizing what Aaron had just told him. "Oh Aaron you didn't tell him that, really did you."

"He asked me about how to love and I told him he knew how to do it because I can tell he's falling for you. And he said he didn't know how to do that, so I told him to just follow his heart because it won't stir him wrong. I don't see what was wrong with what I told him."

Noah picked up the can of soda just to have something in his hands and he popped it open and took a sip. Aaron was right…there really wasn't anything wrong with what he said to Luke. In fact it was perfectly logical for a big brother to say such things…Noah had always wanted a brother who could be his guide through such things. However as unfortunate as it was, Luke was not the brothe3r that Aaron remembered or even knew. He certainly wasn't the same person he had been before he went to that place That person had been beaten down, and was now hiding in the shell that Luke had crafted around himself. Somehow Noah needed to get Aaron to understand that. This was serious, and what they needed to do was not to confuse the situation.

"We need to talk," he said with a sigh. He pulled out a stool and gestured for Aaron to join him. "I'm sorry for yelling…I'm not angry at you per se, just…well it's complicated Aaron and I just think you don't understand ,and that's not your fault…I want to help you get where I am coming from here."

Aaron took a seat and rested his arms on the table. "Okay I'm listening, Noah. What was so wrong with what I told Luke?"

"It's not so much that it was wrong, Aaron. I just don't think Luke gets it."

"Why would you say that? My brother isn't stupid."

"No, he isn't, in fact he's pretty smart. However, what you just told him goes against everything that he has been taught to know as truth."

"You keep saying that," Aaron said taking a sip of his Soda, "What am I missing here?"

Noah frowned. He was beginning to wish they had just told Aaron everything up front. Whose idea had it been to give him as little information as possible? "Can I ask you something?" he said leaning forward. "What did Luke ask you? I mean what were you guys talking about that led to you telling him to follow his heart?'

"He wanted to know how to be straight," Aaron shrugged. "I thought it was a strange question because I know he's not, so I answered him the be3st I could. And when he said he didn't know how to love I told him he did."

"Was that all?" Noah asked his voice as soft as a whisper. He hoped Aaron had heard his question.

"I told him to follow his heart because I could tell that he was in love with you, Noah."

"In love or falling in love?"

"Is there a difference?"

"I…I wouldn't know," Noah frowned and lowered his head to the table. No wonder Luke was so confused.

"Noah, what's wrong?"

Noah looked up and met Aaron's gaze and sighed. "Do you have any idea why Luke would ask you such a thing? About being straight I mean? Don't you find it a little…odd that he would ask that."

"Noah…"

"Aaron, believe me, no one cares about Luke more than I do, I can just about guarantee that. Just please answer me, did you think it was a strange question?"

Aaron watched the other man's face and his own softened. He could read something in Noah's eyes that told him he was sincere. For now that would have to be enough. "Yes, I did find it a little out there, but that's all Luke would tell me. He said he wasn't in rehab last year but he wouldn't say more than that. Why?"

"Because," Noah said, his hand idly reaching for the can of soda, his fingers ci8rcling the rim, Luke truly believes that he is supposed to be straight. That is what he was conditioned to think. I can't really get into it without betraying him, but awful things happened if he felt attraction to another man…so telling him that he is attracted to another man just confuses things in his head."

Aaron sat with his mouth wide open, trying to digest what Noah just told him. {"So what you're saying," he said after a moment, "is that Luke was sent somewhere that was supposed to make him straight?" Noah nodded and Aaron's heart sank even deeper. "Oh my god, Noah…I…I didn't know. How awful. I probably just made everything worse didn't I? What can I do to fix it? I'm really sorry man, I should just not talk to Luke."

"Don't say that," Noah retorted. "You can't not talk to him, he'll think he did something wrong. Ju7st be more cautious of what you tell him. I know you meant well, it's just that Luke feels like he shouldn't feel that way."

"Then how do we get him to see that it's not the case?" Aaron asked. "Did you tell him that you're gay."

"Yes, actually I did," Noah admitted. "But it isn't that simple to counterbalance a year's worth of conditioning. And quite frankly I haven't figured out the best way to do that yet."

"You could tell him that you love him..."

"What," Noah said taken off guard by the simple statement.

"I can see it in your eyes Noah," Aaron pointed out. "And in the way you talk about him, I know you genuinely care for him. You're in love with my brother. You have to tell him that."

"{I don't think I can do that, Aaron. I don't want to confuse him."

"How is that confusing him when you love each other?"

"Luke is already confused about his own feelings and what he wants to feel versus what he is supposed to feel. I will not make that worse by throwing my feelings into the mix."  
So you admit it."

"Yes," Noah whispered as if he was afraid Luke was lurking in the shadows. "Yes, okay. I am in love with Luke and all I want to do is take care of him the best way I know how. And I would give anything to be able to tell him that but I know better, Aaron. I know he wouldn't be able to handle that."

"I don't think that's fair, Noah. How can you show Luke that you trust him if you are withholding somethi8ng so key? That's not right. I'm beginning to think this isn't best for Luke at all."

"Aaron if I thought it was the best thing for him to know right now, I would tell him. But just knowing that he has feelings for me confuses him. It would make it worse if he knew how much I mean what I tell him all the time."

"I don't see how," Aaron protested. "I mean when you love someone you have to tell them that so they know you are there for them."

"Not if the concept and the idea of love scares them," Noah countered. "It's not a word to throw around, Aaron. I mean I don't love Luke the way you love your father or your stepmom or Abby even. I love him with everything that I have and from the bottom of my heart. And when I am able to tell him that, I want him to be able to understand it. I want him to be able to enjoy it, and to know that it is the real thing, how things should be. I don't think he's ready for that."

"How do you know if you don't give him e? I mean you say that you care about him, but you are keeping secrets. He said you are his best friend, and in my book that means you should be doing what's best for him and you aren't doing that."

The can slammed down on the table and Noah stood glaring at Aaron with blazing eyes. "Don't you dare sit there and tell me I'm not doing what's best for Luke; you try to define what I feel or how I should feel. I don't care if you are his brother, Aaron it doesn't give you the right to judge me or my decisions."

"If I feel it's not best for my brother then I will make it my right," Aaron glared right back. "It seems to me that you couldn't care about Luke enough if you can't tell him that you love him."

"Did you ever stop to think that he may feel betrayed if I told him that?" Noah asked crossing his arms to resist the urge to strike out. "He feels so betrayed, so used by everyone, including your dad and the rest of the family. If I were to admit something like that he would feel like I was using him, and I will not make him feel that way, Aaron. I will not hurt him that way."

"No, you won't," Aaron agreed. "I am not going to give you the chance. I'm going to take Luke with me tomorrow"

"You will do no such thing," Noah raged.

"Watch me."

A sound from the doorway broke the staring match for a moment as both boys turned to see Holden standing in the doorway. A frown was set on his face as he looked at his son and Noah quizzically. "What is going on in here? I can hear you two all the way down the hall."

"Nothing," They said at the same moment which only made Noah glare harder. He turned his attention to Holden and tried to keep the bite out of his voice.

"Your son refuses to see reason," Noah explained. :"And he thinks he's taking Luke away tomorrow."

"I don't' think. I know," Aaron retorted. "Luke is going with me."

"No he's not. He's staying here," Noah countered. "End of story."

"Stop, both of you, just stop. Aaron why do you think you need to take Luke away from here? We have been working really hard to get him to a point where we can all leave here, but I don't think he is anywhere close to being ready for that yet."

"I don't think Noah is the best thing for him, Dad," Aaron explained. "I don't agree that Noah should keep vital information away from Luke when he claims that he cares about him."

"Will you stop trying to dictate how I feel?"

"You don't love him."

"Yes I do, more than you could even begin to guess"

"Boys stop," Holden said, starting to feel like he was listening to ten year olds instead of two adults. "Aaron you have no clue what you are talking about here. Noah has been by Luke's side since he came home. He was able to reach him when no one else could. Luke trusts him and I can almost guarantee you that if you try and take him away from here, from Noah, he will give you the slip the first opportunity he has. Noah, I won't even begin to try and tell you how you feel about Luke. I know that you care about him and that you have put his needs and care above your own for the last few months. If I had even an inkling of doubt I would never have taken Luke from the hospital. I trust you implicitly and as long as Luke wants you here, here is where you are welcome to stay."

"But Dad," Aaron insisted. "It's not right for Noah not to tell Luke the truth."

"Luke can't handle the truth," Noah said realizing too late how much that sounded like a line from a Few Good Men. "You're not asking me to tell Luke what kind of soup I like best or what my favorite type of music is. You're asking me to reveal my true feelings for him and I'm not willing to risk confusing and betray8nghim by doing that. You get what I'm saying don't you sir?" Noah asked turning to Holden, a frown set on his face.

"I do understand Noah," Holden admitted, "and no Aaron before you even say it I am not taking sides here unless you consider that I am taking Luke's side. Luke has been through a horrible ordeal that none of us can come close to imagining and when he can show us that he is starting to feel whole again then I will be pushing Noah to tell him how he feels. It is not for you or me either one to judge how Noah is dealing with his feelings for Luke, anymore than it would be right for us to judge you for your feelings for Ali and Lucy. So here's the deal, we either have to find a compromise or as much as I love having you here Aaron, you are going to have to leave. I won't have Luke upset, and he has ways of knowing and feeling the tension in the room. Now are you going to be a part of Team Luke or are you going home?"

Aaron crossed his amps as he faced his father. "I can't believe you, Dad. You say you're on Luke's side, and then get mad at me because I care about what happens to him. I don't want to see him get hurt and that's exactly what will happen if he stays here."

"I would die before l let anything happen to Luke," Noah yelled, clenching his fists. I'd shoot myself first before even entertaining the idea of hurth8ing him. You don't seem to get it Aaron there isn't anything I wouldn't do for Luke. And I swear to god if you try to take him away, I will take him myself and we will go where you can't us. You do not want to cross me."

"Oh I see how it is," Aaron scoffed. "You don't get your way, so you will take Luke away from the only family he knows? How is that showing how much you care?"

"I can't believe you, Aaron. Luke shared something very personal with you, he trusted you with hat and you turn around and make ME out to be the bad guy? How does that work? How does that help Luke?"

"There is nothing wrong with letting Luke make his own decisions, Noah. That's all I am saying."

"He does make his own decisions. I don't take that away from him. Why do you keep talking what you don't know?"

Holden felt like he was at a tennis match, only instead of a ball he was watching them sling words back and forth. He couldn't get a word in edgewise.

"What I do know is that you pretend that you care about my brother to the point that you have convinced yourself that you are in love with him and in the end you are going to end up hurting him the most. I am not going to let that happen."

Noah felt like he had been punched in the gut. HE couldn't believe that Aaron had just said that to him. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words were stuck in his throat. There were so many things he wanted so say and many more that the wanted to do at the moment but instead he dug his fingernails into his palms and glared at Luke's brother. "Go to hell," He spat before storming past Holden, leaving the two Snyder men alone in the kitchen.

Holden stared at the door for a long tense moment before turning to face his son. "You and me," he said pointing his finger, "Outside. Now."

Angry tears streaked his cheeks as he stood outside on the front porch. He needed to get his emotions under control before he went back inside. There was no way he could let Luke see him this upset. He couldn't believe the words that had come out of Aaron's mouth. He knew the man was angry, and he was even sure that Aaron loved Luke but that did not give him the right to second guess anyone else's feelings and emotions.

He had dealt enough with someone second guessing how he wasn't about to put up with it again *Come on Mayer don't let him get to you like this,* he berated as he took a deep breath. ^You know how you feel, and that's all that matters.*

He wrapped his arms around himself and stared out into the distance. The tears refused to stop, and he was about ready to go grab Luke and get as far away from here as he could. He would be able to make Luke understand why they needed to do it. And he knew Luke would believe him. And it was for that reason that he didn't do that. He was not going to play on Luke's faith in him. He would die before doing that. He'd rather bleed to death then ever do anything that would betray or harm Luke in anyway. God damn it why couldn't he stop crying?

"Noah?" He heard his name being called and he froze. Luke was behind him, he could feel his presence, even before he heard the footsteps that brought him closer. He turned around trying to smile even as he wiped the tears away from his face it was too late though, Luke had already seen them.

"What's wrong," His friend asked frowning. "Why are you crying?"

Noah sighed. He really didn't know how to answer that without making Luke upset. He couldn't very well tell him that he had a fight with Aaron. Nor could he mention what they had been talking about. "It's nothing really, Luke. I'm okay. Is there something I can do for you? Did you get any writing done?"

The frown on Luke's face made Noah curse inwardly. He just knew his best friend didn't buy that, not at all. "But Noah, you aren't ok," he insisted, "and after everything you have done for me, I want to help you if you are sad. I didn't get any writing done, my brain just kept going around and around in circles."

Noah felt like he could lose himself in those brown eyes with the flecks of green. Luke was so close that he could smell the soap he had used to wash up that morning. Noah swallowed and tried to focus. He wanted to lean on Luke. He wanted that more than anything, and he wanted to tell Luke what was bothering him…but wouldn't that be selfish? Wouldn't it be going against everything he just told Aaron? Thinking of Luke's brother made him angry. His hand involuntarily rolled up into a fist and he let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.

"I don't think there is anything you can do, Luke," he said smiling softly for his friend. "I'm just a little frustrated."

"At me? Have I done something to upset you? I don't want to upset you Noah, you are my best friend and I don't want you to be frustrated with me."

"No," Noah said quickly, shaking his head as he placed his hands on either side of Luke's face. He felt a spark, but he ignored it as he focused on what he needed to say. "Luke, I…I have never been frustrated with you, and I don't intend to start now. Do you understand? You're important to me, Luke and I just want you to be okay"

He allowed his hands to fall from Luke's face and rested them on his shoulders instead. The shoulders were safer, and there was less chance of him doing something that would cause Luke to bolt. He would never forgive himself if something happened to Luke.

"Your brother and I just had a disagreement earlier," He admitted, realizing that being honest was his best bet. "So I'm a little upset about something he said, but I'll get over it. I can be such a big baby sometimes." Once again he tried to smile, but faking it was never his strong point.

Luke's frown deepened. "Was your disagreement with Aaron about me?" he asked. "I knew I shouldn't have trusted him. I don't trust anyone but you, and I don't know why I did. I'm so sorry Noah; I didn't mean to cause trouble. Seems like that's all I do though is cause trouble wherever I go. Now I've made you sad and Aaron's all mad again, one of these days I will learn to keep my big mouth shut"

Noah could have kicked himself when Luke lowered his head sadly. He really needed to think before he spoke. He had upset Luke, and that had been what he wanted to avoid. "Luke, look at me," He said waiting for Luke to raise those brown eyes. "This is not your fault, and I would rather you didn't shut up. I like hearing you talk, and I like talking to you. I'll be honest with you…we were arguing about you, but that's only because we both care about you a great deal. We only want what's best for you, Luke, and unfortunately your brother and I don't agree on what that is. I don't want you to feel bad for talking to him. He's your brother and you should trust him."

"But if he doesn't think what you are doing for me is right he will try and make me leave. I saw how angry he was when he got here and how mad he was at Abby and Dad. I think I will just keep my conversations strictly with you and Dad and Abby. I only got more confused when I talked to Aaron anyway and I'm still not sure that what he said was completely wrong, but it made my head hurt and I don't want that to happen again. I know we talked and that helped a lot, but Noah, I'm still trying to unjumble what he told me with what I was taught over the last year and I wish it were as easy as Aaron seems to think."

Noah felt like he was getting a headache. It made him sad to know that Luke was still so confused, and that somehow he was even more so then he had been. Maybe being around all these people wasn't such a good idea. He frowned; he didn't know what he was thinking. It wasn't as if he could just pick up and take Luke somewhere. That wouldn't be right…not to Holden, he had been so helpful and he wanted his relationship with Luke back. And Noah wanted to give that to him. But could he do that if there were people around to confuse Luke? Was it really helping Luke being here where on different occasions he ends up confused?

It wasn't like it wasn't expected. Good days and bad days, that had been what they signed up for when they embarked on this journey. But with Aaron around it was getting a little sticky. They had Luke's medicines and Noah knew he could figure out what to do from there. Maybe it was a plan he could put into action over time…as long as Aaron didn't try to take Luke away, but thy moment that happened…

"Luke do you trust me? I mean really honest to goodness you trust me with your life?"

"Of course I do," Luke said emphatically. "You haven't done anything to make me not trust you, and if you told me to pack my stuff because we were leaving, I would be out the door so fast no one would even have time to realize it. I don't want to leave dad and Abby, but I will if you tell me we need to go."

Noah smiled. He knew that would be his answer, and that was exactly why he wouldn't do it, unless he felt he had no choice. There was so much to think about here. So many things needed to be considered, and none of it was as simple as we can leave or stay. "We can't run away, Luke, though I hope you know I would take you anywhere."

"I know you would Noah, you have never lied or mislead me like everyone else." Luke's face fell into what Noah knew as his thoughtful face. It was a long moment before he locked eyes with Noah again. "Noah, can I ask you a question?'

"Of course you can, Luke. You can ask me anything."

Why is it ok for you to be gay and not ok for me to be?"

He didn't even think about it as his hands touched those soft cheeks. His eyes locked with the amber ones he adored and he brought their foreheads together for the briefest of moments. All the while in his head his conscience was battling with his good sense. *I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be about to let our lips meet. It will only confuse him more. And I told Aaron I wouldn't do it…not now.*

But it will feel so good…and he looks so sad, and he needs to know that I…that he is not wrong that it is okay and it will be so… His thoughts, all of them trailed off as their lips met in the softest of kisses. He was actually kissing Luke, really and truly moving their lips together in that intricate dance of love and promise and want. He felt like he was taking them both on a trip to heaven.

"It's more than okay, Luke" He said softly when they pulled apart. He moved away just enough for Luke to be able to see his face. "No matter what those people told you, they were wrong. Your feelings…they are more than okay, I want you to be you."

"Thank you Noah. I haven't ever had a kiss," Luke admitted. "That made me have butterflies and feel all tingly inside. That's not a bad thing right, those are good things. I think I really liked that Noah. You have the softest lips and I really want to do that again."

Noah blushed and willed himself not to look away. He didn't want Luke to think he had done something wrong. "To be honest with you, Luke, that was my first real kiss too…and I am kinda glad it was with you. And believe me, I would love to do it again, I just don't know if we should. I don't want to do anything to confuse or hurt you." He hoped that response was diplomatic enough. He really needed to stop this before it went too far.

"I understand, Noah, I just want you to know that if you ever want to do that again, I wouldn't be opposed to it. I liked the way it made me feel, and actually it made some things not quite so confusing in this mess of a brain that I have."

"I happen to like your brain," Noah said smiling. "Are you sure you understand, Luke. I mean do you get that I liked that and that it's not just me showing you its okay? And are you sure it's helping you understand a little better? I just…I would be very upset with myself if I caused you any harm or confusion Luke, so if you have questions please ask me, I will never tell you a lie."

I am so glad someone likes my brain. It makes me feel good to know that you liked kissing me too. When you kissed me it didn't hurt and I didn't feel anything remotely close to pain so yeah, it definitely helped. Maybe Aaron wasn't so wrong after all. I think I need to go write in my journal, all these words are rolling around in my head and I would really like to get them out."

Noah smiled. "Okay, Luke you go do that and I'll talk to you in a little bit. Thank you for coming to cheer me up., that means a lot to me.

I'm just glad I could help you for a change after all you have done for me. I'll see you later."

"You help me all the time, Luke," Noah admitted softly.

"But not like you helped me just now Noah," Luke insisted. "I don't think I will ever forget that moment."

"Yeah, same here" Noah smiled. "Now go write."

"Okay, Noah. I'll show you later if any of it makes sense."

Noah was blown away by how bright Luke's smile was at that precise moment. He couldn't resist the urge to kiss him one last time before allowing him to go back in the house. Once he was alone again he collapsed against the wall and allowed his fingers to touch his lips. They were still warm from touching Luke's and Noah had to try hard not to float away on the cloud of bliss hovering above his head.

He needed to talk to Holden; that was his next plan of action. Something needed to happen, and besides that he needed to be honest with the man. He had come to love Holden, and he respected him. There was no way he would betray him...not even if his life depended on it. Even when it came to Luke, someway somehow Holden would know what he was doing. That was the way it had to be.

Holden was just coming back in the house when Noah found him. Aaron was nowhere to be found, but Noah couldn't concern himself with that right at the moment. Luke was his first priority as always. "Sir Can I have a minute to talk to you please?"

Of course, Noah. Is something wrong with Luke?"

"No…Luke's fine. Actually Luke is fantastic right now…he went to write in his journal. I did need to talk to you about him though."

"Okay," Holden acknowledged. "What's on your mind?"

Noah pursed his lips, not sure what he wanted to say now that he had the opportunity to do so. Did he tell the truth? Did he say what happened and they could go from there or did he start by asking about Aaron? "I kissed Luke," he said finally saying the first thing that was on his mind. He didn't know how Holden would react to that but he wanted to tell the truth.

"And how did Luke react to that, Noah?" Holden asked crossing his arms and leaning against the counter.

"It made him happy," Noah said simply. "And he has the nicest smile it's so bright. I like to see him smile and if kissing him does that then I may just do it again. If that is okay with you of course, and I still insist that I can't tell him I love him…not yet and you can't tell Aaron, please sir. You have to keep this between you and me, is that okay?"

"Anything that is said between the two of us, is just that, between us," Holden stated. "I don't discuss it with Abby or Aaron. I think you are absolutely right in not telling Luke how you feel, but I have to tell you that hearing that he is smiling and happy makes me want to tell you to keep doing whatever it takes to keep that happening."

Noah was relieved and he felt good about the joy he heard in Holden's voice. The man was grinning from ear to ear, and Noah had to wonder when the last time he had seen that expression from Holden. It was a great feeling to know that he had somehow made both Luke and Holden's day. Too bad he was about to get serious.

"I'll do my best sir," He said clearing his throat. "But there is something I need to discuss with you, about Luke and Aaron actually. I'm glad you agree with me that things with Luke have to be taken slow, but I will be honest with you. I am starting to seriously wonder if this is the best environment for Luke to be in. Now I think you know that you can trust me enough that I wouldn't just up and leave with Luke. Even if I thought it would come to that, I would tell you and ask you to come with me. Anyway…I guess what I am trying to say is that we need to come to some kind of middle ground here. Because if Aaron does anything that goes against what we're doing for Luke, I will take him and we will go somewhere. I'm serious about that."

"Believe me Noah I understand. I talked to Aaron and basically told him that he needs to cool it or go home. I will not have Luke walking in on what was going on today. My son has always been a little hotheaded and I know he is doing what he thinks is right, but I reminded him that when it comes to Luke's care, you are the one making the decisions because you are the one Luke trusts. I will have no problem whatsoever sending Aaron home so you need not worry that he is going to take Luke and disappear."

"I hope you're right about that," Noah sighed, his hand reaching back to rub his neck. "I'm sorry for the yelling earlier, I didn't mean to disturb you. Have you had any luck talking to Luke about things that happened? Or just about things in general?"

Just things in general so far. I was hoping to try and talk to him further in the next few days, but I guess I'll just wait and see how he reacts to what has happened today."

"Right, that's a good idea. His moods can change so quickly sometimes. One minute he'[s happy, then the next he's ready to freak and then he gets confused. It's a vicious cycle and I could curse Adam and the Kreeger foundation for doing this to him. And I won't even start on Damian and Lily and that quack of a doctor. Anyway enough about that…want to help me with dinner?"

That sounds great. Let's see what we can put together for the masses."

Noah smiled and turned to look through the refrigerator telling Holden what they had to chose from. Cooking was something he enjoyed, and it was a rare moment that he got to share with Luke's dad every so often. He hoped one day that he could share it with Luke as well.

_September 25, 2007 (night time)___

_I kissed Noah today, and it was simply…amazing. I guess that is the right word to describe it, and I suppose Noah really kissed me. But I definitely kissed back. His lips were so soft, and so gentle. I have never been kissed before. The kisses I shared with my cousin before I came out surely don't count, because she was a girl."_

Luke stopped writing and frowned at the paragraph. He felt like he was going off tangent, and there were so many things running through his mind. He wanted to talk about Noah, and just Noah…he wanted to put all his thoughts on paper. He just hoped Noah would like it. If he really meant it when he said he wanted to read it. He tapped his pen against his lip, allowing the cool ceramic to rub the spot where Noah's lips had been earlier.

_I can still feel the kiss_, he wrote. _It felt so soft and warm and just…right. It was like a caress, and it was intricate like a dance. I never knew lips could dance until Noah. I never thought it could be so nice to have someone touching me like that. I'm not scared when his hands touch my face and I know I'm safe with him. It really is a nice feeling and I would like to feel it again.___

_I'm not sure really what that means. I am still confused by what Aaron said, and I don't know if I should listen to him anymore. I know Noah said I should trust him because he's my brother, but I can tell that my best friend is wary. If Noah is wary then I am going to be wary too. At least Noah likes my dad. I really want to get my relationship with him back on track. I can tell he cares about me. Maybe tomorrow I will work on that, but today all I can think about is that kiss. Could Aaron be right about that? Could I be in love with Noah? And if that is the case, what does that mean and how does it make sense? Why am I still so confused?"_

He read over what he wrote and closed the book just as Noah came to tell him dinner was ready. With a frown he nodded and put the book back in its hiding spot. Noah asked him if he was okay, and he put on his best calm face. It had been a good day, and he would not bother Noah anymore with problems and questions. They could wait. Now it was time to eat.

1


	15. Chapter 15

_Chapter 15_

_October 5, 2007_

_Ten days ago Noah kissed me for the first time. I don't think I will ever forget that day for as long as I shall live. Even if Noah never kisses me again, I will always remember that he did and how it made me feel. I felt…alive for the first time in a long time. And I haven't felt better since._

_Noah says that I am getting better. I think I will take his word on that, because I'm not so sure. Then again, I don't really remember what "better" felt like. I can vaguely remember that I wasn't happy before I went away, and I wasn't happy while I was away. Noah has taught me what it means to be happy, and I don't think he was really trying to…but he did. Actually he told me he doesn't like using that word. Because better makes it sound like I was sick, when I'm not exactly. I'm just a little confused._

_I always ask Noah to tell me if there is something wrong with me…and he says there isn't. I'm trying to be better about writing my thoughts down in here. I haven't written in this journal for a couple of days now because it was too hard. I think I was having one of those setbacks that Noah talks about a lot. I'm glad he told me it was okay to be sad and depressed because I've had those moments. They are scary…I feel like I am being watched, and that all it will take is me doing something…just one thing to get me sent back into isolation. Noah said he won't let it happen, but it still scares me._

_And I miss my dad. I miss talking to him, and I miss him helping me with things. We used to do a lot together, and I think I let him down. Even though he says I haven't. I can tell when he looks at me that I make him sad. I make everyone sad, even Noah who tries to hide it but I know it's there. I just wish I knew what I could do to make it better. What do I need to do to make sure that everyone loves me?_

He frowned at the words on the page and not for the first time wondered if he should just rip it out and not share it with Noah. As always he decided not to do that. He didn't want to ruin the gift that Noah had given him. His friend wanted him to write down his thoughts, and he thought he was getting better at it. He was at least writing coherent thought now…even if it did go all over the place sometimes. He sighed and put the book back in its hiding place. Noah knew where it was, but he knew his best friend wouldn't touch it without asking first.

He scrambled up the bed and straightened the covers, making sure the corners were straight and there were no wrinkles in the blankets. Noah wasn't home; he was at the store with Abby. She had insisted that he come along since he knew that Luke liked and didn't' like. Luke had Noah's number, so he could call him if he needed him. He didn't want to use that number though. He didn't want to bother Noah. He felt like he took up enough of his friend's time…not that he seemed mind. Abby was only home on Sundays it seemed anymore. She worked so much, and he could admit that this fact made him sad. He liked being in his sister's house and he wanted to get to know her better.

He wasn't so sure about his brother on the other hand. He didn't know what to make of Aaron. Noah said he meant well, and Noah said that he should trust him…and he wanted to. But in the back of his mind he kept thinking about his brother deciding to take him away. Aaron didn't trust what Noah was doing, and that bothered Luke. Especially since Noah had been nothing but good to him since the day they met.

Still it was his relationship with his dad that laid heavily on his mind at the moment. He knew his father was in the house, and he was hoping to have a chance to talk to him. It felt like he hadn't talked to him in forever, and there had been a time when a day didn't go by that he and his father didn't say at least one word to each other. He missed those days.

Luke found his dad sitting on the couch in the living room. He was reading through the Sunday paper, and that seemed odd to Luke somehow. Perhaps it was because he was used to the man working with his hands. No matter what, Holden always had to be doing something, fixing pipes or building a chair…it wasn't like him to sit idle. Luke supposed that everything was a little odd though. And if he could be a little off then so could his dad.

He stood behind the chair for a moment, picking at the afghan his sister had received from their grandma. He wanted to talk to his dad, but he didn't want to interrupt him. He knew he probably should just sit down, but too many months of doing what he was told to do rather then what he wanted made him stand there until his father took notice.

It took a few minutes, but Holden did turn his head and he smiled when he saw his son standing there. "Luke, come have a seat son." He said as he folded up the paper and put it aside. Luke moved quickly, as if he expected his father to change his mind any minute.

"Hi dad," He said placing his hands in his lap. "I just wanted to talk to you. If you have the time to talk to me."

"I always have the time to talk to you son," Holden said sincerely. "And you can relax no need to fold your hands and keep your posture straight. Go on, I'm not going to tell you something wrong, Luke."

He watched his father's eyes, looking for any sign that he was not being truthful. He felt bad for doing that, because his dad had been nothing short of kind to him. He wanted to talk to Noah about the guilt because it was eating up at him. He didn't like disappointing his dad…even though he felt like he had. Wasn't that how everything had started? His dad blamed him for something…at least he thought that had been the case. Maybe that was what he needed to talk to him about. If he could get that straight then things could start getting better.

His dad's eyes were sincere, and he started to relax. He made himself comfortable on the chair, tucking one foot beneath his leg, his knee resting on the couch. That was better, now he was relaxed and comfortable. He faced his dad and tried to figure out the best way to start the conversation. They used to relate to each other so well…he missed that. He just wanted to be loved by his dad.

"Do you mind if we talk about something important?" he asked, as he leaned his elbow against the back of the couch.

"Not at all son. What is it that you want to talk about?"

"Well," Luke said fidgeting a little in his seat, "I miss us, and I think that we were a little messed up before I was sent away…and if it's okay I think….I think we need to talk about it. Would that be okay?"

"Absolutely," his dad said, and Luke was sure he heard something akin to pride in his father's voice. He had missed that. "That will be ok. I miss us too Luke, more than you will ever know."

He smiled; his father's words made him feel good. Maybe this would be a good talk. "Well, I don't know where to start exactly. I mean I talked to Noah about it, and he said I should just talk to you about what happened, and go from there. So…" he bit his lip and chewed for a moment as he put his thoughts in the right order. His best friend had been showing him how to do that too. He called it organizing your brain, and it helped a lot. "Were you mad at me for pushing Mom down the stairs?"

"No son, never mad or angry at you. Worried about your Mom and how badly she was hurt, but I knew that you would never ever intentionally hurt your mother."

Luke frowned, that wasn't how he remembered it…but his dad seemed sincere. He decided to press on. "I wasn't trying to push her…I don't think I actually even touched her but I just wanted her to get away from me. I knew where she wanted to send me, Dad…and when Damian said that you wanted him to send me there I just…well I guess I figured I didn't have much of a choice. So I ended up right where Mom was trying to put me in the first place."

"No son you never touched her," his dad agreed. "When your mom woke up that was the first thing she wanted to make sure we knew; what happened was a terrible accident and that you were not to blame. She was so worried about you and then when Damian came to us and said that you had decided to check into rehab to get help for the alcoholism she was devastated, and so was I. We knew you were hurting, but to leave us behind without talking to us first was something we could never understand. I know now that you didn't leave of your own free will and that makes me very very angry at Damian, but I am not angry nor have I ever been with you."

"I made you and Mom sad," Luke said frowning. "I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to. But I thought you wanted me to go away. Damian said he tried to convince you not to do it…and he showed me the paper you signed and…I didn't mean to make you and mom sad." His heart hurt at the thought of his parents being upset because of him. It just seemed all messed up.

"Luke we were sad because we thought you left because you couldn't come to us. Damian has manipulated all of us, and for that you can rest assured that he will pay. I should have read the papers he brought to us more closely, that's what I get for ever trusting that man. I am mad at myself because I trusted him to take care of you and in the end all that happened was he took you from me and made you think that you weren't loved and there was something wrong with you. Luke, that's just not true. There was nothing wrong with you when you left and somehow some way we are going to make you whole again."

He was in awe of the power behind his father's words. It went against everything he had been taught about a man's emotions…but Noah had already told him to stop listening to those teachings. "So you never hated me?" he asked slowly. "And you don't care that…you don't care that I like guys? Because I thought you didn't care, and then this happened and it just got all twisted and I was sad because I wrote to you all the time dad. Long letters begging and pleading to be brought back home because I didn't want to be there. But you acted like everything was fine…" he stopped for a moment realizing he was on the verge of crying. He didn't want to cry in front of his dad.

"Hated you?" He sounded so surprised by that statement, and so sincere. Luke just nodded and waited for his dad to continue. "Oh Luke, there is nothing on this Earth that you could ever do that would make me hate you. I don't care whether you like other guys, that's just part of what makes you who you are. I never got those letters Luke. Believe me had I received them you would have been brought home as quickly as I could have gotten to you. Just another of Damian's manipulations that he will pay for." Holden paused to watch his son closely and he reached out to touch Luke's shoulder. "I see you struggling not to show your emotions son. There is nothing wrong with crying. I cry, seeing you hurting makes me want to cry. Knowing that I could have prevented all of this makes me want to just scream and yell but I know that would do no good so I will settle for doing whatever I can to make it up to you."

"Will you let me talk about it?" Luke asked his voice so soft he hoped his dad could hear him. "Noah said I need to talk about it, because bottling it up doesn't help."

"You can talk to me about anything. I won't judge you or get angry with you. I will listen whenever you need me. I would do anything for you son. You know I love your brothers and sisters very much, but Luke you have always been special to me and I want to get back to where we used to be. Noah's right, bottling it up doesn't help so I'll be here, I'm not going anywhere.'

That speech was enough to bring on the waterworks, but he knew if he cried he wouldn't stop. And there was so much ne needed to say. He wished Noah was home…Noah knew how to make him calm. Then again his dad was usually good at that too, back before things got crazy he could always count on his dad to be his rock. Could he really get that back.

He was sure his dad was telling the truth about the letters. He could see that truth clear in the gentle blue of his dad's eyes. He was getting good at reading people, yet another thing Noah was helping him with. He was also certain that Damian hadn't been truthful about the papers. Noah had been right this was a big web…it was a tangled one at that.

"I just didn't like it there," He said shaking his head. "And I tried to do what I was told, to follow the routine but I couldn't stop liking guys. That's why I was always put in the isolation room. And that's why I…they hurt me, and used the shocks that were like lightning through your system and then the beatings." He cringed and watched his dad's face. "You wanted to know about the marks…those were from the whip they used the last time…that put me in the hospital. I almost Died!" He exclaimed as it occurred to him why he had been in the hospital so long. "I…I almost died in the hospital before I came home. And then they just let me go and I came back to the house."

"Oh god Son, I had no idea. Someone is going to pay for this, for hurting you, for keeping you from the family that loved you. Damian is going to wish he had never set foot on American soil when I am done with him. I promise you Luke, we will find the bastards responsible for hurting you and they will be stopped before anyone else gets hurt. I just wish we had been able to stop it before you got hurt. To think how close we came to losing you and never knowing it, it makes my heart ache for what you would never have known. I hope that someday you will be able to forgive me for failing you as a father. I let you down so terribly that I should just be grateful that you are even willing to give me a chance to make things right."

"I love you dad," He said, the tears forming in his eyes just waiting to overflow. "I…I love you and I don't want you to hurt and I want to make it up to you because I was a bad son. And I want to be able to tell you everything again like before, and I do trust you. I do, I just needed to get past the feeling of betrayal that was in my heart because being in that place hurt and I thought you sent me there. You were the one who was always on my side…that's why it hurt so much, and I just want to stop hurting, Dad. I want it to stop hurting."

"You are not and have never been a bad son," Holden said adamantly as his hands rested on Luke's shoulders. "I am on your side and will do whatever it takes to help you stop hurting. Just give the opportunity and I will do whatever it takes. We have both been betrayed by someone we thought we could trust. We'll work through this together, with Noah and we'll all figure things out together."

"Okay," Luke's voice cracked as he buried himself in his father's embrace. It was a place he hadn't allowed himself to go in so long. He felt very much like a small child, but he didn't care. His father loved him…truly loved him just like Noah had said he did. He held on to his dad as he felt fingers in his hair. The soothing touch was just what he needed and the tears he had been holding at bay begin to flow.

He was resting on the couch when he heard the front door open. He jumped up and ran when he saw that his best friend was home. Without thinking he wrapped his arms around Noah's neck causing him to drop his packages on the floor. Luke tensed up momentarily until he heard Noah's laughter and he felt those strong arms embrace him.

"I take it you're happy to see me?"

"I missed you today," Luke said as he moved back to help Noah with his bags. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you drop stuff."

"Its okay, Luke. It's nice to see you in such a good mood. Can you tell me about your day?"

Luke helped Noah carry things into the kitchen and leaned on the counter as Noah started putting them away. "I talked to my dad today," he said proudly as Noah placed a bag of granola on the counter.

"How did that go?"

"It went really good," Luke said smiling. "You were right about my dad, Noah. He does love me…and he feels really bad about what happened."

Noah smiled and Luke took the bag of rice Noah handed him to put away. "I'm glad you got a chance to talk to him, Luke. Do you feel a little better now that you aired out some things?

"Somewhat. I didn't tell him everything, but do you think I should?"

"Would you like some juice," Noah asked holding up a carton of orange juice.

"Yes please. Where's Abby?"

"She had to run some more errands so she dropped me off here and went right back out," Noah explained. Luke set two glasses down on the table and Noah poured them both a glass of orange juice. "Did you take your medicine today?"

"Yes, Noah. I will take the other dose tonight after dinner. You didn't answer my question yet."

"I think it's a good idea if you tell your dad what happened to you, so he can understand everything, Luke."

"Even if it will make him sad?" Luke inquired. "I mean, he said that me not being home made him sad, and he said Damian's lying."

"Well, your biological father is a jerk, but we knew that."

Luke frowned and fiddled with his juice for a moment before looking up at Noah again."

"Is something wrong?" Noah asked as he sipped on his drink. Luke could tell that he was concerned and he tried to soften his features. He wasn't trying to worry his best friend.

"I was just thinking, that's all. It was very nice to talk to Dad again, and it reminded me of old times. And I remembered something that I have to tell you, but I don't want to make you sad."

"I'd be sadder if you felt like you couldn't tell me, Luke. What did you remember?"

"Well I told you I remember being in the hospital before…before I came home?" Noah nodded and Luke sipped on his juice for a moment. He knew he had Noah's full attention…he always did. "And I told you about the last isolation and the whipping?" Just saying the words made him cringe, but he felt safe relating this tale to Noah. "I almost died that time."

"Oh my god," Noah said making a horrible face. "They hurt you that bad that time?"

"Adam held me down and let them hit me for breaking the rules," Luke frowned and focused on his glass once more. A moment later he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see his best friend was standing beside him. Effortlessly he fell into Noah's arms seeking comfort that Noah was only too willing to give.

_October 5, 2007(night time)_

_Today was a pretty good day, and I survived not having Noah here beside me. I wonder sometimes if that is why he goes out, just to see if I will be okay without him. If that is what he is doing…it is working, but I don't know if I really want it to. I don't want Noah to think that I won't need him because I do…no matter what happened. Maybe I will just need to tell him that._

_I talked to my dad today. We talked about a lot of things, and he really surprised me. It was nice to find out that he really didn't blame me for what happened to Mom. I felt really bad about that. I never wanted her to get hurt…I was just scared that she wanted to send me away. _

_I don't know why people don't like me for who I am. I don't mean Noah and Dad; I know they care about me. Dad loves me, and Noah is my best friend…he has proven that time and time again. But other people…they want to change me into someone I am not. I just don't understand why it has to be that way. Aren't I good enough the way I am? Noah says that I'm the only one who can really change me, and that's why when I was away I was so confused. And that's why I was getting into so much trouble…I am not sure if that was how he meant it. I don't think he meant for me to turn it into something bad, but that's how I understand it. _

_I told Dad a lot of things that I only shared with Noah. He listened to me, that surprised me. I was expecting him to tell me it was all nonsense…even though truthfully I know my dad isn't that type of person. But when you have someone telling you the same thing over and over for a year it tends to stick and it scares me that I'm not completely over this yet._

_I scared Noah today…and I know I scared my dad too. I'm just so happy to be alive, and glad that I have people like Noah and my dad in my corner. It's nice to know that there are people who would put their lives on the line for me, and they have my best interests at heart. I know it will take time to be completely better but I honestly don't know what I would do without Noah and dad._

_Oh and I forgot to mention that I did get to talk to Abby today. I told her that sometimes I wonder if she likes me or not. I was just trying to be honest and she thanked me for that. And truly I do understand that she has to work, and she's very busy. I was just being paranoid and she made me feel a lot better. We're going to have a sibling hour; at least once a week…it makes me happy that she would do that for me. It's a nice feeling…to be happy, and I think I owe that to Noah. I'll have to remember to thank him for that, among other things._

He placed his pen on the table and read over his writing. He was pleased with himself; he had managed to write paragraphs that made some semblance of sense. He knew he jumped all over the place but he was sure his awareness was a good sign. It meant he was recovering and hopefully Noah was right and he'd be able to write again. He put his notebook in its hiding spot and prepared for bed. Usually he would wait for Noah before he went to sleep, but his best friend had said something about talking with his dad, and besides that Luke felt like he had run a marathon. The crying probably didn't help and writing was hard work. He rested his head against the pillow and smiled as Noah's scent met his nose. It was a comforting smell, and it allowed thoughts of his best friend to follow him to sleep.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

One of the worst things a person can do is ask themselves what if. What if the earth didn't circle the sun? What if the sky wasn't blue, and what if the rain refused to come? Of course those questions are nonsensical because they don't truly have an answer. And neither do the big what ifs, the ones that drive you crazy if you let them. Life is a series of what ifs. Every decision affects another, and every choice eventually reflects somehow on the next one.

Noah was very much aware of the fact that things happened for a reason. He was convinced that he was meant to be in Oakdale. He was supposed to meet Luke, and he was supposed to help him. He also believed that there was a higher calling here. When Noah made the decision to flee his father and come to Oakdale, Illinois, he had no idea that he'd meet the love of his life. And the last thing he wanted to think about was what ifs.

He was well aware of the fact that the past couldn't be changed. It was what it was, and the only thing he could do was try to live in the present, and make the future what he wanted it to be. His future, he knew was with Luke…he could feel that in his gut. The question, the one he feared the most was the how to get there. And the biggest what if of all…what if he failed?

A contented smile alighted his lips as he watched Luke sleeping from the doorway. He wasn't surprised to see his best friend sleeping. It had been a long day, and he was certain Luke was exhausted. He was very proud of all that Luke had accomplished, and the fact that he had talked to Holden…that in of itself was a huge breakthrough. He only hoped it would continue.

Holden was just relaxing on the couch when Noah approached him. He could remember plenty of times, back in Oakdale, when he had seen the man just lounging. Usually he was deep in thought, and that seemed to be the case today as well. He seemed so at peace that Noah almost didn't want to bother him…but he felt like he just needed to talk.

"Holden?" he called as he moved to sit down on the couch. "Would it be okay…sir if we talked?"

"Hi, Noah," Holden said a soft smile crossing his lips. "Yeah sure. What's on your mind?"

"A lot of things," Noah admitted. "I've just been thinking about Luke, and life and things in general I guess," he frowned momentarily. "Luke told me he talked to you today. He sounded so excited about it. I hope everything went well."

"Yeah we did have a nice talk today," Holden reflected. "I think it went really well. We got a lot of things out in the open, and for the first time in a very long time I felt like I was seeing the old Luke shine through."

Noah smiled a genuine smile of happiness for Luke, and for Holden. Part of what he had wanted to do was to make things better for them. That seemed to be working out well. It was a definite step in the right direction. "I really hate what happened to him. And I can't stop thinking about him being in the hospital, and how scared he must have been that time. And it's sad because that's immediately what I think of when I think about losing him. I care about Luke so much sir, and I don't know why I feel like I have to tell you that, but it's the truth…I have so many of those I want to share."

"Noah, I am going to tell you the same thing I told Luke earlier today," Holden said seriously. "I am here, and I have good ears. I will listen and not judge, help where I can, point you in the right direction if I know what that is, but you have to tell me, I'm no mind reader. Assuming things are one way and they are something else completely is what has put us in this situation to begin with. I should have trusted my instincts and tried harder when Luke stopped communicating with us, but I trusted Damian, and that was my first mistake, but you can better believe it won't happen again."

"There's no point in going over what ifs sir, they'll only drive you crazy. And I have no doubt that you would have done something if you had known what Luke was going through. I know for certain that you love Luke…even before he came home you used to talk about him all the time. I could tell you missed him…and now he's here. And we're helping him the best way we can. But if you need to vent about Damian, by all means sir vent away."

"Thanks Noah," Holden managed a smile. "I hope that you know how much I care about you as well. I don't know what I would have done, what any of us would have done, without you and what you have been able to accomplish with Luke. But that's not what you wanted to talk to me about, so tell me what's on your mind and how I can help."

Noah bit his lip as he thought about it. He wasn't really certain what he wished to discuss, he just had a lot on his mind. Most of it, if not all of it had to do with Luke. "I'm afraid, sir." He said finally forcing the words out. It was something he hated to admit, but it was the truth. He was confident when he was around his best friend, and he said all the right things, and made sure Luke was okay. But the truth, the fact of the matter was that he was terrified of tomorrow. And he dreaded the day when Luke wouldn't need him or want him anymore. It was bizarre really, with all that they had shared thus far, that he would harbor this fear. And it was selfish…he was aware of that too, but it was the truth.

"What is it that you are afraid of Noah?"

Noah figured the better question was what wasn't he afraid of, but he decided not to say that out loud. He sighed and looked back towards the bedroom where he knew his best friend was sleeping. "Failure," he said turning his attention back to Holden. "I told you that what ifs are a bad idea, yet I have them running through my head too. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm not doing what's best for Luke? What if…what if Luke doesn't need me when this is all over? What if I love Luke and he can't love me back?" He said that one so softly he wasn't certain if Holden heard him or not. Long ago he had been taught by his father that failure wasn't an option. For the longest time he had fallen short of expectations…until he was on his own with the Snyders. Holden never expected anything of him; he knew that. And he thought he was doing his best, but with Luke, he wanted to give him the world, and he was starting to question if he really could. Wanting to do something and the ability to do it were two distinctively different things.

"Noah, son, no matter what happens, you will not have failed. You have done everything, and then some, that anyone could ever ask of you. For the record, I think the progress Luke has made is solely your doing so that's not failure. As for Luke not being able to love you back, I really don't think that is going to be an issue. While I might not be as vocal about it as my oldest son, it is very plainly there, you just don't want to see if for fear of hurting Luke."

"I think it just makes me sad," Noah admitted. "To see him so happy about a breakthrough, when I know it's not going to last. He's doing well, but he's not completely okay yet, and I know it's going to take time. I know that, and I'm not impatient…just sad for him and all the other boys out there who may not be as lucky as Luke to have gotten out of there. And just watching him struggle, it hurts my heart. Luke is so precious, and every day I just want to wrap him in my arms and never let go." He paused momentarily before asking his next question. "Is that what it means sir? Is that how it feels when you're in love with someone?"

"I would say that's a pretty good start on how it feels to be in love," Holden admitted. "You want to protect them from harm, hold them, give them strength and encouragement, and most of all you want the same thing in return." Holden paused for a minute to let his words sink in for Noah. He could tell it was something the younger man needed to hear. "No, Luke isn't well yet, and there are still going to be bad days, but I think that we are turning a corner Noah. He was so lucid and well spoken today and it was like having my son back and whole."

"I think so too," Noah smiled fondly. "He was very excited to see me when I came in…he made me drop my bags. I was surprised he was still in the living room, but delighted at the same time. It means he's trying to venture out of the room. Maybe soon I can even take him out somewhere…but there can't be a lot of people. I'm afraid that place has left him with a fear of people that is going to be hard to shake. There is something though that we have to consider…even if it's a long shot."

"I hope so, I do think he needs to get out and try and take small steps back into the real world. No big long leaps, just small steps and you will know when he is ready, so just trust yourself Noah. I do."

"Does that mean that if we had to split again you'd be ready to go with me?" Noah asked seriously.

"Absolutely," Holden said without hesitation. "You say the word and we are gone. No questions asked."

Noah didn't think he would ever stop being amazed by the faith Holden had in him. He was certain that Luke's father would never know just how much that meant to him. Having Luke's faith meant a lot too, and he hoped he never lost it. There was something extra special about having Holden's…especially since he never got that from his father.

"Thank you sir, for trusting me with Luke and his heart."

Holden smiled. "I know my trust in you is well placed Noah. You have proven on any number of occasions how much you love Luke, even if you don't want him to know it. I know you won't let me down, because that would mean letting Luke down as well, and that's not going to happen."

"That makes me feel a lot better," Noah said appreciatively. "And I hope this doesn't sound too weird and creepy, but I think I love you…and I can totally see why Luke thinks you're the best dad in the world. I wish my father was more like you."

"I don't find that creepy at all," Holden kept his tone soft as he watched Noah. "I am glad to know that you care about me, Noah. I have thought of you as a son for quite a while now, and every day that we are here, and I see the progress Luke is making only makes it clearer."

Noah couldn't help the smile that crossed his lips at that. He truly did love Luke's dad, and he had for months now. He was the father that Noah always wanted, and the other reason, besides Luke, that he stayed. "Luke is getting better," He agreed with Holden's statement. "But I don't think we can celebrate just yet. He still has a long way to go…and I plan to be there at the end, when Luke is the boy you remember. Maybe in a few days we can go to the beach or something…just to get him out of the house. Do you think he would like that?"

"I think Luke would love that. Let me know if you need anything from me. I will be here no matter what it is."

"Thanks sir. I'll bear that in mind. I want Luke to see California. I haven't done much exploring except to go to the market and the pharmacy so we can explore together."

"I don't know if I can do this."

Noah took his eyes off the road briefly to look into the scared eyes of his best friend. He rested his hand on top of Luke's and gave it a squeeze. "Just breathe, Luke. I want you to try. You won't get in trouble if it doesn't go well though, okay? But can you try for me?"

"I'll try," Luke said softly as he looked out the window. They were heading to the beach, because Noah wanted to spend the day with him. He was excited about spending time with Noah. He just wasn't so sure about doing it outside. It wasn't that he was afraid to go out…he just didn't like people. Noah had explained that he needed to get used to people again, and so here they were heading to the beach, and really he couldn't wait to walk along the sand. Noah had promised to hold his hand and that would help.

Noah kept that promise as they begin their descent down the sandy beach. He had instructed Luke to hold his shoes as they walked, and he walked slowly knowing that at any moment Luke could tense up. His friend was doing good so far. His breathing was even, and he was squeezing Noah's hand just enough as they walked. "You're doing good Luke," He encouraged as they walked, edging closer and closer to the people scattered along the expanse.

Luke's eyes darted around as they neared the water. There were people around, so many people and he squeezed Noah's hand tighter, trying not to be frightened. He tried to tell himself that no one was looking at him, that he and Noah were just going to find a spot to settle down and talk. That was the plan; they were just going to enjoy the beach. The sand felt nice…he couldn't remember ever going to the beach before. The water was blue up ahead, and it blended well with the sky. It was like looking at Noah's eyes. He liked it.

"Watch it," he heard just as something hit his shoulder. Luke tensed as Noah let go of his hand momentarily. "Sorry about that," a voice drew closer and Luke saw Noah pick up a ball. "Is he okay?"

Noah looked at his best friend and sighed. Luke was starting to panic, He could tell the signs right away. "He's fine, just take this and go," he said abruptly shoving the ball into the guy's hands. "And watch where you throw that thing next time, volleyballs hurt." He smiled to take the sting out of his words, but he really couldn't worry about being rude to a stranger. He had to focus on Luke.

Luke was rubbing his shoulder, and looking around at all the people who seemed to be getting closer. When Noah touched his shoulder he yelped and turned around quickly, and Noah could tell he was already slightly out of breath.

"Luke, are you okay?"

Luke nodded even as his breathing became a little more labored.

"Can you take my hand?" Noah asked gently.

"Noah, I'm scared."

"I know, Luke…I know you are. Take my hand okay?"

"Someone's gonna hit me again," Luke trembled. "Can we go now?"

"Yes, I'm going to take you home okay? Just hold on to me and we'll walk back up to the car and we'll get back to the safety of the house."

Just as Luke reached for his hand the unthinkable happened. A swarm of people came running up the beach at break neck speed, and pummeled right into Luke, forcing Noah backwards. "What the hell," Noah screamed. "Watch where you're going!"

"Noah," he heard Luke scream as he tried to keep sand out of his eyes. Noah sighed and grabbed the last person who kicked sand in Luke's face and shook him.

"The least you can do is apologize," He said angrily as he pointed at Luke in the sand. "I know you have eyes, learn how to use them." He pushed the guy away angrily and helped a shaken Luke off the ground. His eyes were closed and he clung to Noah tightly, tripping over every step as Noah tried to get him back to the car.

Once he had Luke settled in the passenger seat he reached into the back for the paper towels and a bottle of water. "Noah, it stings," Luke said miserably.

"I know Luke," Noah said as he wet the paper towels. He placed a hand on Luke's cheek, caressing it as he brought the napkin to his eyes. "This might burn, Luke, but I want to get the sand out of your eyes okay?"

"Okay," Luke's voice sounded so soft as the cool cloth wet his face. Noah was very gentle, first using the cloth and then using his fingers to brush away any other remnants of sand he could find. Luke's eyes were red, but they did appear to be free of the irritating grains.

"You can open your eyes now," Noah said as he wet a fresh towel and wiped at Luke's eye lids and planted a kiss on his forehead. "You're going to be alright, Luke."

He watched those eyes slit before fluttering closed again. He couldn't help but notice how pretty Luke's eye lashes were…they were so long, and he thought it was crazy that he was sitting there thinking about his best friend's eyelashes. When Luke opened his eyes Noah could see the fear in that green flecked brown gaze. He smiled warmly trying to ease Luke's ire but he knew he needed to get him back to the house, back to where he knew Luke would feel better.

Holden was in the living room when they returned home, and he immediately sensed that something was wrong. "How did it go?" He asked, standing to meet them at the door.

"It was awful Dad," Luke started before Noah could open his mouth. "It was all sandy and icky, and I had sand in my eyes, and I was on the ground, and then people kicked the sand in my face, and I was so scared, but then Noah took me away and wiped the sand out of my face and made me feel better. And I think my shoulder hurts."

"Okay, you go in the bedroom and I will bring some ice for your shoulder," Noah said squeezing his hand once more before letting go."

He watched Luke until he disappeared into the bedroom, and then he sighed going over to the couch to collapse in the chair. Holden walked over to join him, and looked at the younger man for a moment before speaking.

"Noah, what happened?"

"He just told you," Noah responded closing his eyes tiredly.

"But how?" Holden implored. "I'm just…floored."

Noah opened his eyes and sat up a little, looking pointedly at the man he loved like a father. "We were walking along the beach, and it looked like Luke was ready to enjoy himself. He was relaxed, just enjoying the incredible view until this moron hits him on the shoulder with the volleyball. That started the panic, and he already wanted to go home. And I was trying to get him to take my hand when this group of people just came running past. They knocked him down into the sand. It was so sad sir, he was laying there trying to keep the sand from going into his eyes and all these people just kept going like they didn't care that they were hurting someone."

"Oh no, that's not good. Did he completely panic?"

"Yes," Noah sighed. "He was completely and totally freaked. I got him up and he just clung to me sir. I don't think he's ready to deal with people, and I think we should expect there to be more backtracking in days to come. I feel like such an idiot. I should have taken him somewhere else. What was I thinking taking him to the beach of all places? He had sand in his eyes, and I had to dab them to get it all out, and volleyballs should be outlawed, I swear."

"Don't blame yourself Noah," Holden commented thoughtfully, even as he hid his smile about Noah's scorn for volleyballs, "We knew these things were going to happen. Just remember that he is going to have to deal with things like this in order to return to a normal life."

"I know that," Noah sighed exasperated. "It's just that I'm supposed to be taking care of him, and I'm supposed to know what's good and what's not good for him. He was so scared even after I got the sand out of his eyes. He just wanted to come home and now I don't know how I will get him back outside. And there's nothing normal about having a group of people trample on you and kick sand in your eyes."

Once again Holden fought the urge to smile since he knew Noah was serious. "I know you want to protect him from everything, but son you have to understand that things happen out of your control. He was scared I'm sure, but I can see that you were pretty scared yourself."

"I was terrified," Noah admitted. "He was laying there on the ground and I just wanted to make all the people stop before they trampled him to death. I don't want anything to happen to Luke, and my heart would break if he got hurt because of my carelessness."

"Noah stop beating yourself up over this. You weren't careless; you couldn't have foreseen what was going to happen. I know you would never intentionally put Luke in any danger. Why don't you go take a shower and get yourself together and then we can talk to Luke together and make sure he is ok."

"I have to go get him some ice," Noah said shaking his head. "I'll be okay sir, I just…thanks for listening to me."

"Any time, Noah," Holden assured him. "You know that."

Noah smiled and stood, running his hand through his hair as he headed for the kitchen for ice. When he reached their room, Luke was sitting at the desk with his journal open. He was focusing hard on the book, but Noah could sense that he was in pain. He kept reaching his hand up to rub at his shoulder.

"You okay?" Noah asked coming further into the room.

"I think I got sand everywhere," Luke responded. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about that," Noah said gently. "Can you take your shirt off for me; I want to take a look at your shoulder."

Luke looked up at him for a minute, as if he were trying to read his expression. "Okay," he said his hands touching the folds of his shirt as he looked down before pulling it up over his head. Noah took a moment to look at him, trying not to react to Luke's bare skin. He picked up the icepack and went to work examining Luke's shoulder, making sure the volleyball didn't do any damage. He was sure that he was overreacting, but when it came to Luke he didn't want to take anything to chance.

"What's wrong" He asked when Luke shifted and a giggle escaped his lips.

Those brown eyes flecked with green turned to look up at him, and Noah lost his ability to speak for a moment. "That just tickles, and it's cold."

"Oh, yeah sorry about that," Noah whispered. He cleared his throat nervously and tried to regain his composure but it was getting hot in the room…despite the ice in his hand.

"Are you okay?" Luke asked, surprising Noah with the hand that reached up to touch his cheek. "You look as pale as the sand. I couldn't stand it if…"

He didn't know what Luke was going to say…and frankly he didn't care. The ice dropped to the floor as his hands cupped Luke's face in his hands and he kissed him. It was a sweet kiss, with just the right amount of intensity to suit Noah's mood without hurting Luke. Their lips danced intricately, and Noah deepened it ever so slightly giving in to the overwhelming feelings he'd been holding at bay.

It was with great reluctance that he pulled out of that embrace, and the look he saw on Luke's face just made him want to melt. He had been almost expecting to see confusion and sadness, but instead there was pure unadulterated bliss. It was a beautiful sight, and he stared for a moment, wanting to imprint that image on his brain. He was so in love with this guy.

"Thank you Noah," Luke whispered, breaking the silence that followed their kiss. "For always knowing how to make me feel better. My shoulder doesn't hurt anymore."

Noah pulled Luke out of the chair and hugged him close. Luke rested his head against Noah's shoulder and held on tightly, clinging as if his life depended on it. Sometimes Noah wondered if his best friend really believed that was the case.

He had a myriad of thoughts running through his head as he sat at the desk. Noah was taking a shower, and he was supposed to be writing…but those thoughts didn't want to translate to paper. He closed his notebook, and left it on the desk, sure that it wouldn't be tampered with there. He trusted Noah, and he knew that he would only read it if it was given to him. What Luke needed, what he wanted was to talk to someone; and his dad was the only person home. His brother was somewhere and his sister was at work. Not that that he would have talked to either of them about this. There was just so much going on in his head and he needed to get it out.

He knocked on the bathroom door to let Noah know that he was going to talk to his dad. When he heard Noah's response over the rushing water he left the room. His father was in the kitchen cutting up vegetables for a salad. Luke climbed up on a stool and watched with his elbows resting on the table.

Holden smiled when he looked up and saw his son sitting there. "Hey there Luke. You feeling any better now that you've had some time to relax?"

"A little bit," Luke admitted a smile playing on his lips. "I just feel…I don't know a lot of things right now, and I don't know what to do about any of them. And I think it's a catastrophe of immense proportions…remember when I used to say that all the time?"

"I do remember that," Holden said fondly, "you said it all the time. So why don't we talk about one thing at a time. Can you pick one thing out of the things you are thinking about and we will try and go from there."

"Okay," Luke said as he swiped a piece of tomato from the cutting board. He started nibbling on it as he watched his dad, and thought about what he wanted to talk about first. "Well," He said after a few minutes of silence, "I feel really bad for ruining today. I just don't think I am ready to face all those people. I was hit with something, and then Noah was yelling and then I fell, and it was just all really scary."

"You didn't ruin today son. Things happen that are sometimes beyond our control. I'm sure getting hit with something must have been scary. You know that Noah would never intentionally do anything to scare you though. He was just as scared as you were when you fell. He was so worried about you. But both of you are ok, and that's the important thing. Now we just have to back up a step or two and try another outing at a later time."

"Noah was scared?" Luke asked in awe of that concept. "For me?" He frowned. "He didn't seem scared at all. He was awesome, and he's an expert at getting sand out of eyes."

"He was very scared," Holden related, hiding a smile as he looked at his son, "and he felt like he had let you down when you got knocked down and he couldn't get to you."

"Hmmm," Luke said thinking about that as he swiped another tomato slice. "I know he was scared for me before…and he told me he was scared when I wouldn't wake up that time. Hey dad, if you are scared for someone, is that a way to know if you like them like that?"

"Like them how, Luke?" Holden asked, not quite sure he understood his son's question.

"I don't know," Luke frowned. "I'm just confused about it all. Maybe I will just forget it."

"You don't need to forget it son. I'm just trying to figure out how to best respond to what you're asking. Are you asking me if I think Noah likes you as more than a friend?"

Luke thought about that for a moment. He wasn't sure what he was trying to ask. There was just so much going on in his mind right now, and the kiss he shared with Noah was in the forefront of his memory. He could still feel those lips pressed against his…they felt so warm and welcoming. "I'm just confused about my feelings dad. Noah said not to believe what was going on when I was away and I try. And I have these feelings and I think they are for Noah but it's like…I'm confused."

"Tell me what you're feeling about Noah?" Holden suggested. "Noah's right though. You need to forget everything that you learned while you were away."

"I want to," Luke insisted. He ate another piece of tomato and picked at a cucumber as he looked at his dad. "I just keep remembering the way it hurt when I would have thoughts. And the stinging sensations I can still feel whenever I dream." He blushed, realizing he was about to make a real admission here. "I think my dreams are about Noah…the good dreams, before they turn into nightmares," He whispered. "I need to write about it, but I'm not sure if it's appropriate. I don't know how to love someone, Dad but I think…I think maybe if I did learn how it would be with Noah."

"I think you do know how to love, you just need to learn to trust what you feel. I know that is very similar to what Aaron told you, and that freaked you out, but it is ok to have feelings like that. Really it is."

Luke frowned. "It sounds different coming from you somehow, Dad. And I don't know what to do with it. I mean I like Noah…I need him, and I don't want anything to happen to him ever. But I feel like I shouldn't be holding on to him. Like I'm keeping him away from doing something great. Do you think I depend on him too much?" There was fear in his eyes, and he was secretly hoping that his dad would say no, because he truly didn't know what he would do if he didn't have Noah in his corner.

What neither of them knew was that someone was listening in on their conversation.

Noah sighed as he returned to the room, his hair damp from the shower. He did feel a little better, but he couldn't quite get the image of Luke lying on the ground out of his head. What he had told Holden was the truth; he had been terrified when Luke fell, and it hurt his heart that he could do no more but stand there while all those people ran over him. He had to be more careful about that, and make sure that Luke didn't get harmed.

He spied Luke's journal on the desk and smiled. One day soon he would ask Luke if he could see his writing. He was just glad that his friend really liked the journal and tried diligently to use it every day. He really was recovering, even though Noah was certain there was about to be a major setback.

He was startled by the sound of the door and turned to see Aaron standing in the doorway looking none too happy. "How could you let him get hurt?" Aaron charged. "Why did you take him to the beach, you are confusing him with your actions."

"What are you talking about," Noah asked trying his best not to react to Aaron's hostility.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You took him to the beach and he got hurt. You, who profess to care about him, let him get hurt. What the hell were you thinking?"

"Don't you dare," Noah said, starting to lose his temper, "stand there and talk about how I feel about Luke. Yes I did take him to the beach, but I did not let him get hurt. God Aaron what kind of person do you take me for? You really think I wanted Luke to get hurt today? You don't think I was scared out of my mind that it happened? Who the hell do you think you are?"

"I'm his brother and I take you for someone who says they care about what happens to Luke, but from where I'm standing it sure doesn't look like it. He doesn't know how to make you see that he cares about you and its confusing him. He was just talking to Dad about how to figure out what his feelings are for you. That's how I see it."

"You were eavesdropping," Noah said incredulously. "Wow Aaron, great show of brotherly support there. Listening in on a private conversation. And for the record I DO CARE about Luke, way more then you could ever guess, and I don't feel like I need to explain myself to you. If Luke wants me to know what he was talking about with Holden then he will tell me himself. I don't think you should be spilling your brother's secrets, it's no wonder he doesn't trust you."

"I wasn't eavesdropping on purpose. I was coming back in and heard them talking. Luke doesn't trust me because you counteract everything I try to tell him."

"Now who's making it seem like Luke doesn't have a mind of his own?" Noah countered. "I'm sorry to disappoint you Aaron, but I don't have anything to do with his trust or lack thereof trust in you. In fact I usually tell him that he should trust you. The rest is up to him. And I don't appreciate being told that I caused Luke to get hurt. I certainly didn't plan on a whole crowd of people deciding to trample him, and I left my volleyball here at the house."

"I don't know why I even bother to try and talk to you," Aaron said exasperated. "You don't care about anybody but yourself. Whether you planned it or not, Luke got hurt and you should have taken precautions to keep that from happening. You want to be in charge around here and Dad is more than willing to let you, but I'm not. Luke is my brother and we've lost enough time with him and I am not going to stand by and let you deprive us of more because of your carelessness.

"What the hell did you expect me to do, Aaron? It's a beach; there are people on the beach. Believe me if I could have foreseen anything like that happening I would have prevented it, but I couldn't and I'm sorry beyond imagine that Luke got hurt. I love him, and I want him to be okay. What do I need to do to get you to realize that?"

"Tell him, not me," Aaron fired back. "I know, I have two eyes and I can see it. I know you think he's not ready, but the guy that I just heard talking to Dad deserves to know that what he is feeling isn't one-sided. It's only confusing him and making him wonder when the pain is going to come for doing something bad. Why can't you see that?"

Noah purposely bit down on his lip as he tried to stay his temper. Yelling was not helping his mood, and he knew he really needed to try to get along with Aaron, for Luke's sake. Aaron was only trying to help, he just didn't understand. "Whether I tell Luke that I love him or not he is going to think its wrong, because that is what he was told," He explained after a moment. "That is the confusing thing, Aaron. He associates it all with pain because that's what he was taught. He knows that I care, but if I add that last little bit in, if I add in the word love, it's only going to scare him and I'm not going to do that. You don't get it…I'm the one person who he can count on completely. I'm the one he put his trust in, and telling him right now that I love him would seem like a betrayal and I'm not willing to do that to him."

"Think you're wrong, Noah, but then what the hell do I know. You think you have all the answers, and that no one else can ever be right, and that just makes me sick. You don't have much faith in Luke yourself, or you would see that what you are doing is only making things more complicated for his brain to have to unravel. I don't know why you can't understand that."

"I don't have faith in him?" Noah was really getting upset now. "How dare you stand there and accuse me of not having faith in Luke? Do you realize that that's why we are here? Because I DO believe in him and his recovery. I do want him to be okay, and I do think that he can be okay. I just know his limitations, because unfortunately, Aaron there are some. Luke thinks a lot, it's one of the many things I realized about him right away. He's a thinker and he really isn't as confused as he comes off as sounding sometimes. It just seems that way to him; it's his perception. And you have to look past it to see the truth. Your brother is not stupid, but he does have his ideas about honesty, trust and loyalty. Those values are important to him and I refuse to do something that I know will make him question his faith in me."

"You just have all the answers don't you Noah? I just wish you could see that maybe you are wrong occasionally, and that others want the same thing for Luke that you profess to. I have tried to make this work, for Dad's sake and Luke's but I honestly don't think I can take any more of this crap."

"I don't think I'm right all the time, Aaron, and I'm far from perfect, believe me. But I've been around Luke since he came home, and I've watched him closely to know what makes him happy or sad. I get what agitates him and I know that being in that place did a number on him. Luke has a lot of love to give, but right now he truly believes that that part of him is broken. I'm sorry you don't agree with me here, but I only want what's best for Luke, and if I thought telling him how deep my feelings go I would do it in a heartbeat."

"Why is it that you have an answer for everything Noah? I am sick to death of it. You do what you think is right and to hell with the rest of us and what we think."

"That's not a fair assessment and you know it, Snyder. Just because I don't agree with you on this one thing does not mean I think my opinion is better than anyone else's. But do you know whose opinion matters the most to me? Luke's. His happiness is my happiness and if you don't like then that's just too fucking bad."

"If his opinion matters so damn much to you then you should be straight up honest with him. Don't string him along to pull the rug out from under him later. He leans on you for everything so what the hell happens if something should happen to you? What then Noah? How are the rest of us supposed to help Luke if you are the only one who gets a say? Do you ever consider that?"

"I am honest with him," Noah exclaimed. He was really started to get agitated with Luke's brother and he wasn't sure how much more he would be able to take. "I'm more honest with Luke than I have ever been with anyone in my entire life. Your brother has taught me so much and I don't want to lose that, Aaron. So just get off my case okay?"

"Why should I? You are nothing but an arrogant punk, and one of these days Dad and Luke will see it too. I can't wait to see the fallout from that Mr. Holier than Thou."

Luke frowned as he approached the bedroom, he could hear Aaron yelling at Noah and he didn't like it. He knew his best friend was under a lot of stress already and arguing wasn't going to help that."

"Fuck you," He heard Noah's voice and it made him jump. Noah was really mad. He walked faster and reached the room just in time to see Noah's face before he brushed past him.

"Noah," He called after him. Are you okay?" His best friend turned and came back momentarily to place his hands on his cheeks. Luke felt his lips momentarily before Noah pulled away and his hands were gone. Bewildered he turned on his brother who was still standing in the room and balled up his fists. "What did you do to him Aaron?"

"Nothing that shouldn't have been done a long time ago." Aaron said crossing his arms.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Luke frowned. "I don't understand."

"I told him some things that should have been said long ago, and he didn't like it. Imagine that, it's his way or no way and that just sucks."

"You're not making sense, Aaron." Luke sighed. "Forget it, I'll go find Noah and get him to explain it to me. I think you hurt his feelings."

"Yeah why don't you do that," Aaron called after him. "His feelings are the only ones that seem to matter around here anyway."

"Why are you so mean," Luke asked before turning and leaving the room. He needed to find Noah to make sure he was okay. He searched the house thoroughly but there was no sign of Noah anywhere. Even his dad hadn't seen him. That worried Luke. It wasn't like Noah to just disappear, but then he couldn't remember seeing Noah so upset before either. He ran outside, and down to the pavement looking up and down the block for any sign of his friend.

He was on his way back up to the house when he spotted him on the ground. "Oh my god, Noah," He said as he ran to him and knelt down beside him. "Noah are you okay?" He frowned when he heard no answer, and realized that he couldn't remember what to do. Noah was too still, and he knew he needed to get help but he didn't want to leave him there. "DAD!" He yelled in the direction of the house. "Dad help, please help."

"Luke?" Holden called as he came running out the house. He spotted his son quickly and ran over to where he was kneeling beside Noah. "OH my god, Noah. Luke, help me get him in the house. What happened?"

"He's not moving," Luke said even as he helped his dad carry Noah inside. They set him down on the couch and Luke tried again to get Noah to stir. "Dad he's not moving," Luke said panicking.

"Calm down Luke." Holden said gently. "Panic isn't going to help Noah. He's breathing and his pulse is steady. You stay here with him; Abby has some smelling salts in the bathroom cabinet. I'm going to go grab them and I'll be right back. He's going to be ok Luke."

Luke tried to do what he was told, and he was a little more relaxed when his dad returned with the smelling salts. He watched as his dad put the bottle under Noah's nose. When he heard Noah cough he immediately went to give his friend a hug only stopping when he heard Noah moan in pain.

"Oh no did I hurt you? Are you okay?" Luke asked. He was on the verge of tears; he hated seeing his best friend in pain.

"I think…" Noah said gasping for breath, "I broke…something."

"Noah, what happened?" Holden asked.

"I got hit by a car," Noah said grimacing. "Lucky for me it wasn't moving very fast."

"You got hit by a car!" Luke exclaimed. "But why were you outside? Dad you have to fix his leg I think that's what he broke."

"Luke calm down. Noah where are you hurt?"

Luke moved away, but Noah reached out for his hand and told him to stay put. He knew he was scared, and he focused on Holden to answer his question. "My leg hurts sir, and I think I hurt my side too."

"Ok. Let me take a look at your leg and then we'll look at your side. Unless you would rather me take you to the hospital."

"No," Luke said shaking his head vehemently. "NO hospitals. If you take him there he won't come back please dad."

"Luke," Holden implored, "son, please calm down. I am not going to let Noah disappear, but if his leg is broken we will have to go to the hospital to get it set."

"Don't worry Luke," Noah said wincing again. "I'm not going anywhere okay? Just let your dad help me."

"Promise." Luke asked as tears threatened to spill forth. He knew it was silly but he was really scared for Noah. He didn't want his best friend hurt.

"I promise. I think I need to go to the hospital," Noah said turning his attention to Holden. "Do you think you and Luke can take me?"

"Of course we can take you, right Luke? I think Noah will be more comfortable if you go with us so that you can see for yourself that he is going to be ok."

Luke took a deep breath and tried to be strong. For Noah he would try. "Okay, I'll go with you if it will make Noah better."

"I'll feel much better with you there, Luke. Now relax for me okay." Luke nodded and waited to see what his dad wanted him to do.

"I'm going to go pull the car up as close to the door as I can. Luke you stay here with Noah and I will come back and you can help me carry him to the car. I don't want to do any more damage to that leg or to what is most likely a broken rib. You guys just hang tight; I'll be back in a flash."

"Okay, Holden." Noah said softly.

"Okay, Dad," Luke said at the same time. He watched his dad leave and turned to face his best friend again. "Does it hurt really bad?"

"I'll be okay, Luke. How are you?"

"Just scared because you're hurt."

"Don't be scared Luke. It's okay. We're going to go to the hospital, and they are going to set my leg…then we can come back home okay?"

Luke nodded as his dad came back in the house. Together they helped Noah out to the car. Luke sat in the backseat with Noah, holding his hand. He was scared but he was trying to talk himself out of the fear. Noah was going to be okay, and they were going o the hospital so he could get a cast on his leg. Luke knew his dad wouldn't let anything happen to Noah. And Noah had promised…

When they arrived at the hospital, Luke and Noah remained in the car while Holden went in to secure a wheelchair for Noah. A nurse came out with him and helped Noah into the chair, and Luke didn't move to follow them. He was staring up at the big formidable building, watching as his best friend was wheeled away from him. He felt like he was stuck in time and he didn't know what to do next.

"It's ok Luke," his dad sad as he felt a hand on his shoulder. "I won't let them hurt you, but Noah needs you. He needs to see that you are ok so that he won't worry, and they can get him fixed up. Take my hand, we'll do it together ok?"

Luke bit his lip and looked at his dad's hand. He looked at the building and back at his dad's hand before reaching out to finally take it. His dad was right he needed to be in there for Noah…just as Noah had always been there for him.

"Why were Noah and Aaron fighting?" He asked his dad as they waited in the waiting room. Noah was getting an x-ray and then when he was done Luke would watch them set his cast. For now though they were just waiting, and Luke didn't want to stay silent. "I think Aaron hurt Noah's feelings."

"I have no idea why they were fighting," Holden sighed. "But I will get to the bottom of it. Did you hear any of what they were saying, Luke?"

Luke nodded, a frown set on his face as he thought back to what he had walked in on. "Aaron was calling Noah holier than thou, and then Noah said fuck you, and that's when he rushed off. And I called him back and he only stayed a second and then he was gone again. And when I asked Aaron what was going on he said he was just telling Noah things that needed to be said and that Noah didn't like it but I don't know what he means." He said all of that in one breath and he put his head down, trying to regain his calm. That just wasn't working very well.

Holden grimaced and placed an arm around Luke's shoulder. "Aaron and I are going to have a long talk when we get back to the house. I think it is time for him to either go back to Oakdale or head out to Seattle to see Julie and Caleb. I have a pretty good idea of what he was talking about, but I would rather hear it from him before we get into it. Noah is going to be ok and rest assured son he's not going anywhere. Noah would never leave you. 

"He hurt Noah's feelings," Luke said sadly. "And I don't understand why…he was being so mean, and then he wouldn't explain why." Luke had already made up his mind that he was going to be really angry with his brother for this. Noah was hurt, and that was just unacceptable in his book. If Aaron and Noah hadn't been fighting, and if Aaron hadn't of said what he did then Noah wouldn't have gone outside and he wouldn't have been hit by a car! Luke didn't want to think about how much worse it could have been.

17


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Whoever said there was nothing to fear but fear itself didn't know what it was like to live in Luke's shoes. He realized that as he stood in the doorway of his best friend's hospital room. He was standing there…staring straight ahead; looking at the machines that didn't need to be there, and the sterile walls that didn't make him feel safe. He hated hospitals…hated that he was there, but knew that Noah wanted him…needed him to be there.

He watched from his vantage point as the nurse took Noah's temperature, checking vitals because that was what they did. Every couple of hours they poked and prodded, even if you were there for something as routine as a broken leg. Was there really something routine about that? He was still trying to wrap his head around how all of this had happened, and he didn't have any clues to go by. His Dad wasn't there. He had gone to the cafeteria for coffee. Noah was in the room, and Luke wanted to be there with him…but he was scared. He was really scared.

He tried to smile when those blue eyes focused on him. He could see the worry in Noah's gaze and he wished he could make that look go away. At the same time he liked it when Noah looked at him like that. It made him feel special, and he was sure he saw the glimmers of a smile crossing his best friend's lips…he hoped that was for him too.

"Come on in, Luke," Noah said, gesturing for him to enter. "I need you by my side while they set my cast. I want you to hold my hand."

Luke stared at that hand for the longest time before he allowed his feet to move. The only way to conquer fear was to face it. Hadn't Noah told him that time and time again? Noah said that sometimes you just had to look fear in the eye and say 'you can't beat me,' and that was what he was going to do. Fear was not going to beat him today.

He headed toward the left side of the bed, but Noah gestured for him to sit to his right. Luke circled around and approached Noah from the other side. Noah patted the bed, and Luke sat down, leaning in and reaching around Noah's shoulder. Noah cringed at the touch and Luke panicked, pulling back. Noah grabbed Luke's hand and pulled him back in.

"Don't leave, Luke. Just be gentle. My ribs are just sore. I really want you here. I need you here with me." Luke gently sat down and reached for Noah's outstretched hand. Noah's fingers were warm to the touch and he slipped his fingers between them, clasping their hands together. He was trying to decide how to sit, but Noah made that decision for him, by pulling him close. He gently and stiffly rested against Noah's right side. "Just relax" Noah said, as he reached around him and pulled him closer.

"Are you okay?" Luke asked once the nurse was out of the room. Noah's leg was lying at an awkward angle, waiting to be set and put into a cast. Luke wrinkled his nose and frowned. It hurt him to see Noah like that. Broken bones were never fun, and this one looked particularly nasty.

"Does it hurt, Noah?"

"Just a little bit," Noah admitted, squeezing Luke's hand. My ribs actually hurt more, but Luke you don't need to worry about me, okay. I'm fine. The painkillers help." Noah was slurring his words a bit, and that made Luke worry.

"I just don't like seeing you in a hospital bed, surrounded by all these…these beeping machines," Luke confessed as he gestured with his free hand. "I don't' want anything to happen to you, and I don't trust the doctors…what if they hurt you."

"They're not going to hurt me Luke. I'm just going to get my leg put in a cast, and you're going to watch so you can see for yourself that it's alright."

"I'm sorry I'm so scared," Luke whispered even as the doctor entered the room ready to set Noah's leg. Noah squeezed Luke's hand and smiled at him reassuringly. There was pain behind that smile, and Luke could see it clearly, but he knew Noah was trying to be brave. If Noah could do it then so could he.

"Well Mr. Mayer, you seem to be a very lucky man. The X-rays show severe rib contusions, but only a hairline crack. You should be fairly uncomfortable for the next few weeks. I'll give you a prescription for Vicoden to help with the pain. Have you ever had a bad reaction to Vicoden?"

"No sir" Noah answered, "I've never taken it, but I'd rather not. I don't like painkillers like that."

"Trust me, young man" the Doctor responded. "You will need it, at least for the first day or two. Then you can cut down as you see fit."

"Don't worry, I'll take care of him" Luke added.

"I'm sure you will" the Doctor said, smiling at Luke. Then he turned back to Noah. "And I have good news on the leg as well," the doctor informed him. "It was a clean break, so it should heal very nicely. In two months you should be as good as new. But first I have to pop it back into place. So hold on while I do that. It will hurt for a moment, but that can't be avoided. Are you ready?"

"Yeth thir" Noah said, trying to get his mouth to work right.

"From your slurred speech I can tell that those painkillers have kicked in." the Doctor said. So hold on and let's get this done.

Luke watched as the doctor pulled on Noah's leg, snapping it back into place. Noah cringed and yelped, while squeezing Luke tightly. Luke squeezed back tightly as the doctor continued feeling along Noah's leg, making sure everything was in the proper place. After a few seconds Noah relaxed and rested his head on Luke's shoulder. "Thank you" he whispered, making Luke smile.

"Very good, Noah," the doctor said, feeling the length of Noah's leg again. "The orderly will be here in a moment to bring you down to the plastering room. We should have you set up within the hour, but you will probably be asleep by then."

Luke listened carefully as the doctor continued to give instructions. He wanted to know how best to take care of Noah while he couldn't use his leg. He was going to be on crutches for weeks and he was only supposed to be on his feet when it was really necessary.

"Thanks Doctor," Noah said his voice soft to Luke's ears.

"Will his side be okay too," Luke questioned warily.

"Yes his ribs are a little bruised and the fracture is very minor. He will make a full recovery. You should be able to take him home tomorrow."

"He can't go home tonight?" Luke asked, as the panic settled in again.

The doctor smiled, but that did nothing to put Luke at ease. "Since you were involved in a car accident," he said directing his reply to Noah, "we want to monitor you and make sure you don't have a concussion. Is there anyone we need to contact for you?"

"No sir," Noah replied easily. He was focused on Luke, squeezing his hand in an effort to calm him down. "Just let Mr. Snyder know so he won't worry." The doctor nodded and left the room, and Noah pulled Luke down into his arms.

"Noah, you can't stay overnight," Luke cried as his head rested against Noah's shoulder. Noah let go of Luke's hand and wrapped both arms around him, holding him tightly.

"Shhh," he soothed as he allowed his fingers to intertwine with Luke's again. "Its okay, Luke. You're not getting rid of me that easily I promise."

Impulsively Luke moved closer to Noah and curled his legs up on the bed beside him. He didn't know how to explain it, but he just needed to feel close to his best friend. If he could touch him, and he could feel those arms around him all night…then he'd feel that much better in the morning. He felt Noah's lips touch his forehead, and he closed his eyes, content in breathing in Noah's scent. Noah rested his head against Luke's as the drugs kicked in and he too succumbed to sleep.

Holden stood in the doorway watching this scene unfold before him. As his son curled up on the bed he felt a huge sense of relief. The accident had rattled him more than he was willing to admit to anyone. Noah had become just as important to him as his own sons, and he didn't even want to contemplate what such a loss would do to Luke. They were both fine though, as was evident by their sleeping forms.

"Is anyone home?" Abby asked as she came into the house. She closed the door with her foot and headed to the kitchen with her groceries. "Luke, are you here hon? I got your favorite popcorn for tonight. And I picked up a movie for us to watch."

She placed the items on the table and went to put a bottle of Juice in the refrigerator. She felt a hand on her shoulder and jumped when she saw the look on her brother's face.

"Jesus Aaron you scared me. What's wrong, why do you look like you're ready to kill? And where is everyone?"

"How the hell should I know," Aaron said exasperated. "I came back in and everyone was gone. No note, no nothing."

"Hmmm," Abby said frowning. "Something must have happened then. They wouldn't leave the house without letting anyone know. Where were you? And you still haven't explained why you are so angry."

"I went for a walk to try and calm down," Aaron explained with a sigh, "not that it worked. Noah is what's wrong. He just thinks no one else knows anything about what's best for Luke, and I called him on confusing Luke with his crap. Not to mention letting Luke get hurt today when he took him to the beach."

"Whoa, there little brother, slow down," Abby stopped her brother's flow of words. "One thing at a time." Aaron folded his arms and attempted to relax. "Okay…now you said Noah took Luke to the beach? That's a good thing isn't it? I know Noah said Luke needed to get out more. Did you say he got hurt though?" She moved to focus on the other groceries while she waited for her brother to respond.

"Yeah he got hurt. Noah let him get hit with a volleyball and then he got pushed down by a group of people and ended up getting sand kicked in his face. He was very upset when he got home."

Abby was fairly certain that Noah didn't "let" Luke get hurt as Aaron put it, but she figured she wouldn't point that out to her brother at the moment. "Poor Luke," she said frowning. "He must be okay though, Aaron if he's not here. But what's your issue with Noah? You two haven't gotten along since you got here."

"I don't like him, Abby. He has cut us off from Luke, and if he doesn't agree with me, or you, or Dad he just does what he wants to do. He keeps saying that he loves Luke, but telling us that and not Luke is only confusing him more."

Abby focused on the pita bread for a minute as she tried to formulate a response to that. She had had her issues with Noah at the beginning, but after that initial conversation they had found a way to coexist in Luke's world. And in fact, she liked him and trusted him with Luke. "I don't think that's what he's intending to do, Aaron," she said carefully. "Dad said he's been by Luke's side pretty much since he came home…that has to count for something. Right?" 

"Well if Noah let any of us get close to Luke then maybe Luke wouldn't be so reliant on him. I just don't like this. I told Noah he needs to tell Luke how he feels. I gave Noah an earful, and then Luke came running in. I have no idea how much he heard of the argument. He was talking to Dad when I went to confront Noah. He was asking Dad about how to know if what he's feeling is real."

"Okay, I'm confused," Abby said looking up at her brother. "Luke is aware that he feels something for Noah? And you know that Noah loves him? Do you think Luke is ready to hear that? I mean he gets confused as it is with the fact that Dad cares about him. How is he supposed to handle Noah caring about him so deeply?"

"I don't know Abby, really I don't." Aaron was frustrated but he was no longer yelling at the top of his lungs. "But I hate seeing him so confused, and I hate that Noah holds all the cards, and we get whatever he chooses to dole out. He's our brother, we shouldn't have to ask if it's ok to talk to Luke or take him somewhere."

"Aaron, it's not Noah's fault that Luke trusts him," Abby said softly. "From what Dad says we're really lucky that Noah was able to draw Luke out and get him to talk about what happened. And before you say it, I'm not taking sides. I just don't think Noah is intentionally trying to take our little brother away from us. When I talk to Luke, he tells me that Noah wants him to talk to us and he says he's getting better at it. We just have to wait for Luke to be ready."

"Not good enough Abby. I don't know if I can stay here and continue to deal with him anymore. I love Luke, but Noah is a different story, and I'm just not sure I belong here."

"You have to try for Luke's sake, Aaron. I mean what if what you are saying is true, and Luke loves him? How do you think that will make Luke feel to know that you don't like the guy?"

"I have tried Abby. I really have. I love Luke just as much as you do, but maybe distance is what I need to put all this in perspective. I was so shocked when I got here and I'm sure that maybe given time I will get past this, but not right now."

Abby sighed. She knew her brother could be stubborn and there was probably no way to talk him out of this, but she had to try. "Look, let's not make any decisions right now okay? Let's see if we can find out where they are first, and figure out things from there. Okay, please little brother?"

Aaron sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "For you Abby I'll try. No promises though. I promise you one thing, if they took Luke and ran again, when I find them again there won't be another chance for them to do it."

"Well until they get back you and I are going to watch a movie. So what do you want? Kettle corn or cheddar?" She was relieved when her brother cracked a smile, though at the same time she was really starting to worry. Where was everyone?

"Still no word," Lily Snyder said as she paced the length of the floor. "It's not like him to just not call is it? You'll let me know if you hear from him right, Emma? Thank you…I'll drop the girls and Ethan by tomorrow. Damian and I…yes Emma…okay…yes I miss him too. Bye."

She hung up the phone and looked at her ex husband who was standing with his arms crossed. It had been two months since Luke disappeared, and they were no closer to finding him then they had been back then. Holden had disappeared without a trace, and covered his tracks well apparently. Lily didn't know what they could do. It seemed like they had already tried everything. Luke was just gone.

"This is all your fault," Damian stated in that tone that was really starting to annoy her. "I should never have allowed you to raise my son. He would have been better off in my care, instead of here with you and that…"

"Don't you dare say anything against Holden" Lily said cutting him off. "That man has been nothing but a good father to Luke since the day he was born. He's the only real father Luke knows. And if anyone gets to claim parentage over Luke it's me. I raised him…you came and went as you pleased, Luke barely knows you."

"And whose fault is that," Damian scoffed. "You gave Holden too much control, and you allowed him to make decisions you should have been making. Now Luke is god knows where, and he quite possibly could be sicker than he already was, so I hope you are satisfied."

"Don't you dare use that condescending tone with me, Damian. If it weren't for you, we wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. Luke would never have left the family if not for you and your so called attempt at helping him."

"I was helping him, at your bequest I might add."

"Oh no you don't," Lily shook her head. "You are not putting this one on me."

"It was you who were distressed about our son being Gay, Lily."

"You didn't like the idea either," Lily said defensively. "I don't even care anymore, I just want him back."

"We'll find him Lily, and we will help him," Damian vowed. "And when we do, Holden will lose his parental rights if I have anything to say about it. It is far too obvious that he is not the right man to be raising my son."

"Luke is an adult, Damian. You can't make decisions for him anymore."

"Luke is not in his right mind. We will have to make all the decisions for him, and that includes rooting out the negative influences. He's going to need us Lily, especially after the surgery."

"Hey, Hon," Holden said when he heard his daughter's voice on the phone. "Did you get any of my messages last night?"

"Hi Dad, no didn't get your messages. I think my phone is dead. Are you okay? Where are you?"

"Right this second, sweetie, I'm in the car heading home. "I'm going to stop to get some lunch but we should be there shortly."

"Where have you been?" Abby said settling down on the couch. "Is everyone okay? Where's Luke?"

He's fine I'm going to give Noah the phone, and he can let you know what's going on, okay?"

"Okay, Dad."

"Hey, Abby," Noah said trying to sound chipper even though he was still a little weak and groggy, and it was hard to breathe.

"Noah, what's going on? Are you ok? Where's Luke? Is he ok?"

"Luke's fine, he's sitting right here beside me."

"HI Abby," Luke called out, as he lifted his head from Noah's shoulder to watch his conversation.

"He says hi. And to answer your question, I'm fine…just a little banged up. We've been at the hospital all night. Holden said he called you several times to let you know. He didn't want you to worry."

"The hospital? Noah what happened?"

"Oh…I just had a little run in with a car. It's no big deal."

"A CAR?" Abby screamed. How badly are you hurt? And Luke and Dad? Were they hurt too? Did they keep you all over night?"

"Relax, Abby" Noah said, trying to calm her down. It was only me. Your dad and Luke are fine. Luke got upset when they wouldn't let him stay with me, so Holden got them a room at the hotel across from the Hospital. Luke felt better being close by. And he was fine through it all. He was really there for me."

Luke grabbed the phone away before Noah could continue. "Abby, the doctor said that Noah needs a lot of rest, and he's supposed to stay off his leg for a while, because it has to heal. And his ribs are cracked too. And I'm sorry I missed our movie night, yesterday. Noah wanted dad and me to take him to the hospital after he got hit by the car."

"Whoa, slow down, Luke. How did Noah got hit by a car? Where?"

"Right outside the house," Luke explained. "He must have gone out there after he left me, and then when I went to find him I couldn't. I wanted to make sure he was okay after Aaron hurt his feelings, and when I checked outside I saw him on the ground and we had to use your smelling salts to wake him up."

"How badly is Noah hurt," Abby asked, trying to sort through everything her brother was saying.

"His ribs and his leg were broken. The doctor said the rib crack was minor and the leg was a clean break though. And he's wrapped up and his leg is in a cast, so I'll have to take care of him."

"We'll help you take care of him Luke. Are you okay? Aaron said you were upset."

Luke frowned as he thought about that. The only time he had seen Aaron was when he was yelling at Noah. "I was upset with Aaron for yelling at Noah, but I'm okay now. Is that what you mean?"

"Yeah. Aaron said you walked in on he and Noah arguing, and it upset you. Aaron loves you Luke, he's just looking out for you."

"I know," Luke said sighing. "But he hurt Noah's feelings and I don't think that was necessary. He shouldn't have called Noah holier than thou and made him feel bad about what happened. It's not Noah's fault that I fell in the sand and he didn't throw the ball at me. Aaron was just being mean, and because of that Noah ran outside and got into an accident. So I'm mad at him."

"Luke," Noah sighed, taking the phone from his best friend. "It's me again, Abby. I'm sorry if I've caused any trouble."

"You haven't caused any trouble Noah. This is all on my brother," Abby sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Do you need me to do anything to be ready when you get home?"

"Just make sure there's somewhere for me to get comfortable…I don't suppose I should stay in the bedroom for the entire duration of six weeks."

"We'll fix up some space in the living room for you to rest to get out of the bedroom. Anything else?"

"No…I think that's it for now Abby. I'm going to go though. Holden's pulling into the drive thru. Now we just have to stop at a pharmacy to fill some prescriptions, then we're going to head on in. See you soon." He hung up the phone and Luke reclaimed his shoulder to rest his head. Noah's arm wrapped around his best friend just as the drive thru attendant asked for their order.

Half an hour later Holden pulled into the driveway and he and Luke helped Noah into the house. Once he was settled on the couch, Luke scrambled away and darted for the bedroom to get everything organized. Noah, Holden and Abby watched as he moved quickly between the room and the living room, carrying items back and forth at such a pace that they begin to wonder if he was trying to beat a deadline.

"Luke," Abby said trying hard not to giggle. "What are you doing?"

"I have to get the room ready for Noah," Luke said matter-of-factly before he disappeared into the room again. Noah rested his arm on the back of the couch as he watched his best friend through the open door. He was fluffing up pillows and straightening the blankets. Abby had put a small refrigerator in the room, and Luke had carried drinks from the kitchen to place inside.

Holden shook his head and smiled. It was good to see Luke so animated after a trip to the hospital. Noah had been right to ask Luke to come along. "Luke, I think that's enough, buddy. I think Noah wants you to keep him company on the couch."

"I'll be right out," Luke said poking his head out the room. It was just a glimpse of blond hair but it made Noah's heart swell that Luke wanted to take care of him. Luke soon emerged from the room with a blanket and some pillows which he promptly brought over to the couch. Carefully he elevated Noah's leg, and then spread out the blanket before scrambling on to the couch himself.

Holden shared a secret smile with his daughter, as they watched Luke cuddle up to Noah. Neither of them had the heart to tell him that that may not be the most comfortable of positions for Noah. Luke was happy, and Noah was content. At the moment that was all either of them could have asked for.

"Have you talked to your brother?" Holden asked as he and his daughter sat in the kitchen. Abby was munching on a fruit salad while Holden sipped on his coffee. "Do you have any idea what happened yesterday? His side that is?"

"I talked to Aaron, last night when I got home, and you guys were gone. I was scared Dad. I thought you had taken off again, and that scared me a lot. Aaron said he and Noah had an argument about Luke's best interests and he knows Luke heard some of it, but doesn't know how much."

"You need to check your messages," Holden said with a smile. "I knew you would be worried, Abby. That was why I called as soon as I could. Noah got into the accident after arguing with Aaron, and he said he was hurting. He wanted Luke to go to the hospital with him, so we got Noah into the car and took him to the emergency room. You would be proud of your brother, Abby. He faced his fear of Hospitals and he stayed by Noah's side the whole time."

"You know how bad I am about checking messages Dad," Abby laughed before turning serious, "but I promise I'll try and do better. I am so proud of Luke. That couldn't have been easy for him to do. I know he is petrified of hospitals. I can't believe Noah got hit by a car in front of the house though. That scares me Dad, it could have been Luke." She frowned and fiddled with a piece of melon before looking at her father again. "As for Aaron, he's still pretty upset, he feels like we are being pushed out of Luke's life by Noah, which I don't believe for a minute, and he's talking about leaving. But other than that I can't tell you much more."

"I'll have a talk with him," Holden sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck. "And believe me I'm just as scared as you are. In the hospital last night I kept thinking it could have been Luke that got hit. From what Luke told me, about the argument, it seems that Aaron is upset that Noah won't tell Luke how he feels, and I gathered he thinks Noah is keeping us away from Luke. Which of course he's not trying to do that. He couldn't have guessed that Luke would trust him implicitly."

I know Dad. Aaron has always been the hotheaded one in the family, but he thinks he is doing the right thing looking out for Luke. I think he is blaming himself to some degree for what Luke had to go through. That whole 'I should have done more to protect him' mentality. He truly does love Luke, probably more than Luke will ever know, and the thought of losing him just scares him, it scares me too, but I haven't been home enough to be as attached as Aaron. There is no doubt in my mind that Noah is doing everything he can to help Luke get better and that he truly does love him. Just watching them when you guys got home says a lot to me about how Luke feels as well. When it's the right time for both of them Noah will make it work."

"Yes he will," Holden said smiling fondly. "I know Aaron means well and I know he feels bad about not protecting Luke. But there wasn't much he could have done. He was in Seattle. And I feel like I should have done more too...Luke trusts Noah, and I know that Noah encourages him to reach out to the rest of us. In fact I can just bet that Noah will tell Luke again to trust Aaron. How do we get Aaron to see that Noah only has Luke's best interests at heart?"

"Give him time Dad. That's the only thing that is going to work. Time and him seeing how much Noah does to push Luke toward us. That was my Luke that I talked to earlier on the phone. It was the most like his old self I have heard him since he got here. I could tell he was scared, but he was also lucid and connected and if we have Noah to thank for that then I for one will be doing whatever needs to be done to make them both comfortable."

"I think it's important, Abby that we let Noah know how much we appreciate his efforts. I can't say too much, but he has talked to me about how frightened he is of failing Luke. That doesn't sound like someone who wants to keep Luke away from those who love him."

"I think Noah is doing the best he can and it's clear that Luke adores him. I think you and I just need to do everything we can to support both of them. Actually I'm starting to think of Noah as family too.

"I agree with you," Holden replied as Abby's phone rang. She silenced him with her finger and stood so she could take the call.

"Hello," she said almost choking when she heard the voice on the other end. "Lily? Hi, it's been a while since I've heard from you." She looked over at her dad who raised his eyebrows at her. "How is everyone? How's Grandma? And Dad, and Luke? Oh my god," she exclaimed when Lily explained the situation to her. "That's terrible…no I haven't seen them but that makes me sad. Why is this the first I am hearing this? Oh yeah I guess that makes sense. Dad doesn't really like big cities." Abby chewed on her lip as she listened to her stepmother talk about how worried they were for Luke, and how the operation was important and he needed it or he wouldn't survive. It made her sad to think that Lily really believed that. Plus she could hear someone in the background yelling orders at Lily and making threats…if Abby had even thought for a moment about telling Lily the truth that was squashed when that background voice threatened her father. "I'm truly sorry Lily and I wish I could be of more help. Yes if they head this way, I will certainly let you know…Yes, Lily…give the girls my best, and tell Aaron I said hello too. Oh? He's in Seattle…okay, I didn't know that. I have to go. I need to call my little brother and give him hell about not telling me where he was." She laughed at something Lily said and hung up the phone.

"That went well, I think she bought it." Holden commented as his daughter returned to the table and placed her head down on it.

"Oh my god," Abby said even as Aaron came through the back door. When he spotted his sister and his father he hid so they couldn't see him. "That was too close, Dad. Luke could have answered the phone. And I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I don't know if this is the safest place for him anymore."

Aaron was fuming as he listened to the conversation unfolding before him. They wanted to leave again? He couldn't let that happen, and he couldn't believe that Abby was the one who suggested it. If Luke was going to go anywhere, he would be going back to Oakdale…but he needed to figure out how to make that happen.

When Abby and Holden found their way back into the living room, Luke was sitting at Noah's feet trying hard not to hit his cast as he attempted to write in his journal. Noah was watching him out of the corner of his eye, while at the same time checking things out on his laptop.

He had the laptop at an odd angle, and seemed to be having a difficult time finding a comfortable position. Holden reached for the bottle on the side table, and then turned to Noah.

"Noah, you haven't taken any Vicoden since last night. Do you want one for the pain?"

"No, thank you" Noah answered. "I can't think on that stuff. I'll be fine. I just have to learn not to move."

Holden shrugged, put the bottle back, and took a seat in the recliner. Abby leaned against the back of the couch, asking Noah what he was working on.

Noah smiled as he began to explain his project to her, glad for a reason to break the silence that had fallen after talking to Luke. He had a pretty good idea what Luke was writing about in his journal; they had broached the topic of Aaron and the accident, and then started talking about feelings and emotions. Luke had explained how he was feeling, and how scared he had been of the hospital, so Noah had suggested that he write those thoughts down. He was going to read over the journal that night, since Luke gave him permission to do so.

Quiet moments were something he looked forward to, especially when it involved him spending time with Luke. There was something almost eerie about this time though, as if something terrible would occur if they stayed silent for too long. Talking to Abby and to Holden had become something he looked forward to. It filled the time, and right now it felt good and right that he could say things in front of Luke, and his best friend didn't have to feel left out.

He was proud of Luke, and he tried to tell him that all the time. He knew it wasn't the same as saying I love you but it was close enough for the moment, and it was exactly what Luke needed to hear. Luke had conquered a big part of his fear by being in the hospital room with him and that in of itself would keep his recovery going in the right direction. He wished that somehow Aaron would see that.

It didn't take long for the four of them to get wrapped up in a discussion about the Kreeger foundation. Luke made a comment about being away, and Abby asked him what it was like there. Noah had been concerned at first that Luke would clam up, but when those brown eyes looked his way Noah smiled encouragingly and Luke took a deep breath and started to talk.

The scene couldn't have been more perfect if Noah had filmed it. Aaron weaved in and out of the room as Luke spoke, with Noah, Abby and Holden as his captivated audience. At one point Noah asked Aaron if he wanted to join them, but the other man declined and once again disappeared into the kitchen. Abby and Holden asked questions, and Noah pointed out that Luke's story matched some of the information he had found out about Kreeger and his "mission."

Noah thought it was very brave of his best friend to discuss these things with Abby and Holden. And he was sure they both knew just how big a moment this was. There were things being mentioned that Luke never talked about to anyone but him. And at the same time Noah knew there were things he left out specifically.

They were listening to Holden relate a rather amusing story of Luke as a child when Aaron reentered the picture yet again. Noah immediately took his eyes off of Luke, and looked at the other man's worried face. Something was wrong, and Noah wondered if maybe he needed to speak with Aaron, maybe clear the air between them. It would be nice if they could coexist together.

"Aaron why do you look like someone just died?" Luke asked matter-of-factly. Noah hid a smile and cleared his throat. He actually wanted to know the answer to that too. He heard the rustling of paper, signifying the fact that Holden had put down the magazine he'd been leafing through, and he was looking at Aaron too.

Noah watched Aaron look around the room before his eyes settled back on his sister. He seemed nervous about something, and that put Noah on edge.

"Aaron what's wrong?" Abby asked gently.

"I called home."

His answer wasn't loud, in fact the silence was the only reason it reached everyone's ears. Noah felt Luke tense up, and he didn't have to look to know the look that was on his best friend's face. It was blank.

"Aaron," Abby started.

"I called home," he started again, interrupting her before she had a chance to speak, "And I talked to Grandma…I told her Luke was here."

Noah heard Abby gasp and he felt Luke shift slightly in his spot at the end of the chair. Still he didn't take his eyes off of Aaron, though he knew that he needed to check on his best friend. He felt strangely disconnected for the moment though…like once again he was the director catching something pivotal on tape.

"Aaron how could you," Abby whispered. Luke was quiet, and Abby wasn't facing him…perhaps she had forgotten he was in the room? Whispering would not help this situation…it wouldn't help at all.

"I couldn't let you and dad send Luke away again," Aaron defended his decision. "It's not right, Abby."

Noah raised his eyebrows and dared to look at Luke's father who shook his head, giving Noah the answer he had needed. Eavesdropping, he realized did not seem to be something Aaron was very good at. One would think or hope that you didn't repeat the information you overheard.

"We talked about it after Lily's call," Abby said with a sigh, "But we decided it was a bad idea.

Especially when you turned out to be wrong, Noah mused. Being an eavesdropper was a very risky thing…and when secrets came out…

"It gets worse," Aaron said drawing Noah's attention before he could finish his thought. If anyone looked at Luke in this moment they would think he wasn't paying attention. He was focused on his journal…but Noah knew; he was certain that Luke heard every single word; and if it was possible he tensed up even more when he heard his mother's name.

"How could it possibly get worse than that?" Holden asked adding his voice to the fire. Such a soft and steady voice, Noah wondered at his ability to keep calm.

"There was background noise," Aaron imparted, and Grandma realized it was coming from her end."

Consequences, Noah thought as he listened to Abby question Aaron about what he did, were sometimes worse than the secret itself. There is no do or die, and there is always an underlying factor that makes reality harder once the secret is unleashed. Noah realized that Aaron was about to learn that first hand.

"Who heard you talking to Grandma?" Abby asked, her voice trembling as she too realized just how dangerous this admission would be. Noah dared to look at Luke, who was still looking down at his book. His knees were bouncing a clear sign that he was nervous.

"It was Lily. Lily knows where Luke is now."

Silence met that response, though Noah likened it to a pulse beating steadily to a beat that was all its own. No one moved as that knowledge sank in, and once again it reminded Noah of a movie…this was the climax. The main players were set, and the tension was palpable. It was only a matter of time before…

He felt, rather than saw, Luke slip off the couch; and his eyes followed his friend as he clutched his journal to him and walked around the chair towards the doorway that led to their bedroom. He went inside, and the door slammed, breaking the spell…the trance, and Noah stared at that door for the longest time before turning to face Aaron.

"And that," he said gesturing at the closed door, "was the sound of you losing your brother's trust." 

3


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

October 10, 2007

This is going to be my last entry for a while. I don't know how much time I will have to write once we leave the house. I can't believe we have to go, but my brother made that inevitable. No one is happy with him right now, not even me. Honestly, I'm not happy with him about calling home, but I am more upset that he chose this day to do it. Noah just came home from the hospital, and he isn't really in any condition to travel. Dad pointed that out, but Noah insisted that we needed to get away before my mom and Damian come to California. I know he's doing this for me. I don't know that I deserve such a friend as Noah in my life, but I am glad he's here.

Dad is taking care of everything while I watch over Noah. He said that that was my most important job for now, to keep Noah calm. I must admit that's been challenging for me today. Every time I see my brother I want to scream at him. And Noah gets this glint in his eye like he's ready to pounce. I have no doubt that if he weren't confined to the couch he would do just that.

We're planning to leave in the dead of night; Dad said it's best to be cloaked in darkness. I don't mind because I want to say good bye to Abby. I am going to miss her, and I have no idea when I will be able to see her again. Noah already promised me that when I am better that we'll come back to California. I'm going to hold him to that one.

Luke looked up from his journal and frowned. Things were happening so fast around him, and he didn't know what to focus on first. He was sitting on the couch with Noah who had been typing away at his computer for the last hour. It seemed like an eternity had passed since Aaron's announcement, but in truth it hadn't been that much time at all. Noah had immediately started looking for information on the computer. Holden had ushered Aaron outside, and Abby had paced for what felt like an hour before Noah told her to do him a favor. It was very chaotic…that was the only word Luke could think of to describe it.

"Luke, could you get me something to drink, please?"

"Okay," he said looking at his best friend. He tilted his head to the side and frowned as he stood. "Are you sure you don't need your medicine, Noah? You look like y you're in so much pain."

"I don't want to take it if we have to get out of here, Luke," Noah said with a heavy sigh.

"Can you take something? It will make me feel a lot better."

Noah's smile was soft and sincere despite the pain in his eyes. Luke smiled back and felt another surge of anger. He did not like to see his best friend hurting. "Since I know it has to be serious for you to tell me to take drugs…I'll do it, just get me something to drink okay?"

"Okay," Luke said relieved that Noah was going to listen to him. He went into the kitchen and pulled out two bottles of water. He heard the backdoor opened and looked up to see his brother in the doorway. Aaron looked miserable but Luke wasn't really in the mood to deal with him. He glared at his brother and turned to go back into the living room.

"Luke, wait," Aaron said as he followed behind him. "I just want to apologize."

"It's a little too late for that, Aaron," Luke snapped and Noah looked up as his best friend handed him the water and then walked back over to where his brother was standing. "You should have thought about what you were doing before you called home and caused all this trouble. How could you do that? I thought you cared about me?"

"Luke I do care about you," Aaron protested.

"That's not the way to show it, Aaron," Luke charged. "Now because of you, Dad's angry and Noah's hurt. And you even upset Abby."

"Luke," Noah called from the couch trying to get his best friend's attention. He could tell that Luke was very upset and he wanted to stop him before the fight could escalate.

"I know it was a mistake, Luke," Aaron said, "But you have to understand. I was only looking out for your best interest."

"And you think it's in my best interest to go back to Oakdale and have an operation that "could kill me? What's wrong with you?"

"Luke," Noah tried again to get his best friend's attention, but it was no use. He was on a roll.

"You can't make decisions like that without thinking them through, Aaron. Especially not when there are other people involved here. Did you even think about what Mom knowing would do to Dad? He could get into a lot of trouble now."

"I guess I didn't think that far," Aaron faltered.

"No, you didn't and that's the problem, and I'm really angry at you and I don't know if I can ever forgive you."

"LUKE," Noah yelled as loud as he could. Those brown eyes with flecks of green turned on him and Noah saw the change immediately. Luke's face grew sad, and Noah sighed, knowing he was waiting for him to give him an order. "Come here."

"Luke don't listen to him when he talks to you like that," Aaron ordered even as Luke lowered his head and walked towards Noah. Noah leaned forward slightly to cup Luke's cheeks in his hands, and he tugged, getting Luke to sit down beside him. "What the fuck, Noah, get your hands off of him."

"Stop being an ass, Aaron," Noah hissed before turning his attention completely on Luke. Aaron watched as Noah began to caress Luke's face, speaking softly so that he wouldn't be overheard. Luke had his hands on top of Noah's wrists and he was nodding at whatever Noah was telling him.

"What are you saying to him?" Aaron yelled. "Tell me what you're telling my brother, Noah. You stop brainwashing him, or I swear to god…"

He was cut off midsentence when he felt a hand on his shoulder. HE turned to see his Dad holding him firmly. "Cut out the racket," Holden ordered sternly as he led Aaron out of the room. "What's wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry, Noah," Luke said as fingers wiped away his tears. He felt warm lips on his eyelids and his forehead, and Noah never moved his hands as he spoke to him.

"I don't want you to be sorry, Luke. I just want you to calm down for me okay. It's alright, remember what I told you? That I'm always going to take care of you…right?"

"Yes," Luke whispered. "I didn't mean to get so mad."

"You have every right to be upset, Luke. And you know what? This is a good sign. It means that you are starting to feel things again, and you aren't getting sick when you do."

Luke attempted a smile through his tears but it didn't quite work." Noah continued to wipe the moisture away as he whispered soothing words to him. He knew Luke had calmed down when he reminded Noah that he needed to take his pain pill. Noah took the pill obediently and swallowed some water behind it, glad that he had put a smile back on Luke's face.

"Will you stay here and sleep with me?" Noah asked when the medicine started to kick in.

"Okay…just for a few hours," Luke whispered grabbing the blanket and laying it across Noah. He rested his head against Noah's good shoulder and looked up at him. "I'm not hurting you am I?"

Noah's eyes were droopy as he looked at his best friend and he attempted to shake his head. "Thank you, Luke," he murmured, "for being here with me."

Luke watched Noah for a long time before he fell asleep too. He was counting the number of even breaths, making sure that Noah was indeed just sleeping. He didn't know how his dad was going to take care of him and Noah…but he was determined to help out at least a little. The steady beat of Noah's heart lulled him to sleep as he surrounded himself with the comfort of his best friend.

Noah winced as he used his crutches to leave the bedroom. He and Luke had been packing up their things. They were getting ready for their escape while Abby kept Aaron out of the house. Noah knew he really shouldn't be moving around, but this was important. He had received an email instructing him to call at 1800 hours, and he knew he had to be punctual.

He looked at his phone for a minute, his thumb rubbing across the call button before pressing it. He waited patiently, all the while looking around to make sure the coast remained clear. Not that he was worried about Holden hearing him, but he knew he'd get reprimanded for being up and about when he needed to be resting.

"Hello?" he said when the call was answered. This is Noah Mayer, son of Colonel Winston Mayer and I have an appointment for conference call with Sgt McClaine at 1800 hours please. Thank you."

He let out a breath; that was the easy part. He didn't know how the Sergeant would take his request but the man had always been good to him. And he had said if Noah needed him he would be there. Before now Noah had never had a reason to call on the man. In fact if he could help it he wanted nothing to do with anyone associated with his father. He had left that life alone when he moved to Oakdale…but this was important…Luke was worth it.

At 6pm on the dot he was transferred to what he knew was Sgt. McClaine's private line. He held his breath for a moment as he listened to the familiar greeting. It had been far too long since he'd called the base, but he would never forget the formal greeting.

"Hello, Sergeant McClaine. Thank you for taking my call."

"Noah. I got your message and it sounded urgent. What's going on and how can I be of assistance?"

Noah chewed his lip and ordered his thoughts; he wanted to make sure he explained what needed to be done. "Well sir, you once told me that if I needed assistance I could call…and well I need that help if you're still able to give it. I need to know that if I can get to Fort Bragg there will be a place to hide."

"I will certainly do my best to aid you in any way that I can Noah. I'm sure that we can find somewhere at Fort Bragg for you to hide, but son you are going to have to give me a little information here. Tell me what's going on so that I know best how to help you disappear."

"I'm not so sure how to explain that sir."

"Start at the beginning son. I want to do whatever I can to help, but I have to know that I am not putting my base at risk which I'm sure you understand."

"Oh yes sir, I would never do anything to put the base in trouble," Noah said quickly, a frown crossing his features as he tried not to wince. The painkillers he had taken earlier were starting to wear off and there was no way he could take more before they left. "I've been taking care of a friend of mine, and he's been treated very badly. His father and I have been staying with a family member for the past two months to help him, but this hiding place has been compromised. He is recovering very nicely, and I am afraid that if he is found and taken back to his home he could relapse and I cannot let that happen…he's very important to me."

There was a brief silence as the Sgt took in all he had said. Noah held his breath, praying that he would be able to count on him for help. "Fair enough," Sgt McClaine said after a moment. "I completely understand you wanting to take care of your friend. Everyone could use a friend like you Noah. Do you have transport to Fort Bragg or do you need me to procure a request for transport for you and your friend and his father?"

"We're in Los Angeles and I think I can get us at least to a military base," Noah said the wheels turning in his head. "I'm not in the best condition for traveling, but we have to get out of this house tonight. If you tell me where transport will be waiting, sir then I can figure out how we can get there."

"Los Angles Air Force Base will be the closest to your current location. I will send the coordinates to your e-mail. I will have a plane requisitioned for you and ready to go by 2400. Will that be sufficient time to get your belongings in order?"

"Yes sir that should be sufficient. There will be no way to trace this correct?"

"No son. I will make sure your tracks are completely wiped clean. When you arrive at Bragg someone will meet you with transportation and show you to a guest quarters that you may use until you can find lodging elsewhere. I am putting this in as a request for aid from a military dependent but no names will show up anywhere so you won't be traced. Is there anything else that I can do at this time Noah?"

"Do you think it would be too much to ask that you not mention this to my dad? And assure me that I'm doing the right thing because sometimes I'm not really sure."

"I certainly will not mention this to your father. You are a grown man, Noah, and I know that you and your father are not on good terms. As for you doing the right thing, son, in all the years I have known you, you are one of the most level-headed people I have ever met. If you feel that your friend genuinely needs to disappear then yes you are doing the right thing. Don't second guess yourself. Trust your instincts."

"Thank you sir, I needed to hear that. Thank you for being so good to me. I hope the next time I call it won't be to ask such a huge favor."

"Please keep me informed of your situation Noah. If there is anything else I can do don't hesitate to call me."

"Thank you sir. Thank you." Noah waited for the Sgt to sign off before hanging up his phone. He breathed a sigh of relief as he headed back into the bedroom. Luke immediately came to him and helped him to the bed. He was in too much pain to protest, and he smiled at Luke gratefully as he continued to fuss over him.

"Noah, you have to take care of yourself better," Luke reprimanded. That brought a smile to his lips and he pulled Luke down onto the bed beside him.

"I hope you will help me with that from time. You will won't you?"

"Yes Noah," Luke said wrapping his arms around him gently. He only held on for a moment and he pulled back to make sure Noah was okay. "You sit there, okay? I have to get everything else ready, but I want you to rest…and your laptop is charging so you will be able to use it…how are we going to get out of here?"

"Don't worry, Luke. I called in a favor."

Luke wrapped his arms tightly around his sister and held on for a long minute. He was really going to miss her, and he hoped that one day he would be able to come back. She was holding on tightly too, and that in of itself made him feel good. It was nice to know that she loved him too.

"You take care of yourself, Luke," Abby said pulling away and placing a hand on his cheek. "And get better soon. I'll miss you little brother."

"Not better," Luke said biting his lip. "I'll be okay…Noah is going to make me okay. Just believe in him."

"How about I believe in both of you," Abby said smiling. She hugged him once more and squeezed his hands before moving to hug Noah who was now sitting in the wheelchair that Holden had picked up for him. "I don't know if you ever wanted a big sister, Noah, but you have one now."

"As long as I don't' have to be related to Luke, I don't mind at all," Noah whispered in her ear. She chuckled and kissed him on the cheek which took him off guard. "I'd say we've definitely come a long way from you wanting to kill me."

"You've been nothing but good to my little brother, and I can tell you care about him. Take care of him, Noah and take care of yourself too, and my dad."

"I'll do my best."

She smiled through the tears that were forming in her eyes and soon found herself wrapped in her father's embrace. "I hate saying good bye to you, Daddy. It was hard enough the last time."

Holden kissed the top of his daughter's head and rubbed his hand up and down her back. "We need to stay in better touch…and once Luke is okay we can do that. Thank you so much for everything you have done Abby."

"Thank you for adding so much to my day. I'm going to miss having a full house."

"Well, sweetie you know there's always a home for you with me."

Abby hugged him again before moving away. It was time for them to leave, and she couldn't even take a picture. Nothing of theirs could be at the house… "You guys have everything?" she asked smiling through her tears.

"Yes, we're all set," Holden replied.

"Okay, then you guys need to go before Aaron gets back." Luke came forward and hugged her once more before grabbing hold of Noah's wheelchair to roll him out of the house. He didn't know where they were going, and the moment he didn't' really care. As long as he was with Noah and his dad he knew things would be okay. Anything else was just too scary to think about.

So far everything was working according to plan. Holden had secured a minivan which they drove until they reached the air force base. Noah had made a list of cars they could buy just in case calling in the favor had not worked. Luckily for him it did, and they kept the money Abby provided to cover expenses they would acquire once they were hiding. It didn't take as long as expected to get to base, so they had a little time to kill before the plane arrived for them at 2400 hours. Noah had the details on his laptop and he explained everything to Holden and Luke while they waited.

:"No one is going to be able to trace us," he reiterated for Luke's benefit as well as for Holden's. I was assured of that, and I can trust this guy. He helped me out a lot when I was a kid and I'd rather not say anymore about that until we are away from here."

"Okay Noah, I'll let you take the lead here, I trust you," Holden assured him.

"So do I," Luke said even as he started to look around.

"Luke, I need you not to be scared," Noah said taking his friend's hand. "I need you to trust me completely and I need you to breathe. I'll be okay if you'll be okay. Good?"

"Are you sure this is safe," Luke whispered.

"Yes, it's perfectly safe. "You know I wouldn't put you in harm's way right?"

Luke nodded and watched with amazement as the plane touched down on the ground. The pilot got out and came directly over to them and saluted.

Noah returned the salute, and Luke and Holden imitated his movements. Holden carried Noah on to the aircraft and Luke followed suit with the wheelchair. What little they were taking with them was stored in the backpacks they wore. Holden sat by the window, with Luke in the middle and Noah on the aisle to accommodate his leg.

"Where are we going, Noah/" Luke asked as he instinctively reached for Noah's hand.

"Hopefully where no one can find us, Luke." Noah said squeezing his hand. "I want you to get some sleep okay…we're going to be in the air for a few hours, and we have a lot to do. I'm going to try and catch a nap myself."

"Will you keep holding my hand?"

"Yes," Noah said squeezing tightly. "Now rest…it's already 3am on the east coast and that is where we are headed."

Luke smiled, and did as he was asked. Noah watched over him for a while, until he was certain that he had gone to sleep. Holden was sleeping too, and Noah finally felt like he could close his eyes for a minute. They were going to Fort Bragg…a place he once swore he would never return to…but there wasn't anything he wouldn't do to keep Luke safe. He loved him that much.

Luke tried to remain calm, he wanted to do exactly what Noah needed him to…but as they inched closer and closer to their destination his panic started to escalate. He didn't know where he was going, and he didn't know anyone, and he would have to get used to a whole new place and people. How was he going to get used to people if all the new surroundings scared him. He truly didn't know what to expect and it was beginning to scare him. He wanted to tell Noah about it, but Noah was dealing with his own problems. Luke certainly didn't want to burden him. He needed to concentrate on himself, and Luke had sworn that he would take care of his best friend this time.

He just didn't know how to do it, if he was so scared himself.

Noah tried to sleep through the entire flight, but he couldn't. As they drew nearer it started to dawn on him just what he was doing. He was returning home, to a place he didn't really want to be. HE knew why he was doing it, and he would do it again in a heartbeat, no questions asked. That didn't lessen the severity of what he was risking. He was glad that Sergeant McClaine wasn't going to impart this information to his father. He would be happy if he never had to face that man again.

The mere fact that the Sergeant still wanted anything to do with him stunned him. He was very grateful to have Sergeant McClaine in his corner, even after everything that had happened. He sighed and shifted slightly in his chair, a sharp pain made him regret that move and tears filled his eyes. He didn't mind though, it was enough to push those thoughts of his past to the background of his mind. He needed to focus on the here and now…he needed to think about Luke.

He could tell even withou8t looking at his best friend that he was afraid. There wasn't just one thing that scared him, but a slew of things. They were going to have to start from square one here. It was a new city, new people and a new set of circumstances and rules. The environment in southwest Georgia was much different from that of Los Angeles, California. This was an area that Noah knew, but the question was could he somehow blend into the swarm of people and help Luke to do the same? Would he be able to help Luke to feel comfortable around people here? Sergeant McClaine had said he needed to trust his instincts…and he wished that were as easy as it sounded. It had worked so far, he had been spot on when it came to his best friend's recovery…yet there had been enough times that he had been wrong. Those were the times that worried him.

As promised Sergeant McClaine had a car waiting for them when they departed the plane. Noah silently thanked the man for his promptness. There was a lot going on around the airfield at the moment, and if any time had passed before the car's arrival, Luke would have gone into even more of a tailspin. As it was he was asking question after question in the car, and Noah was trying his hardest not to come off as testy. He was tired and in pain, but he knew none of that was Luke's fault. He also knew that his best friend used talking to fill the void caused by the silence. Luke didn't' appreciate silence so much anymore…another repercussion of what he had been through.

Noah promised to explain everything once they were settled in their new place. The car was heading for the guest quarters. After what seemed like hours it stopped in front of a small house where there was a vehicle parked. The officer helped them with their things and handed Noah the keys to the car and the house. He explained that Sergeant McClaine had arranged for them to stay for as long as it took to find permanent housing and the house was already stocked with supplies so they wouldn't need to go on base right away. The vehicle was at their disposal for when they did need to get around, and Noah's dependent I.D would get him on and off base without too much trouble.

Once they were alone in the house, Holden suggested that they all get some sleep. He set Luke and Noah up in one of the rooms; made sure Noah was comfortable and insisted that he take one of his pain pills. He made sure Luke took his medicine too, and repeated Noah's promise to explain everything once they were over the jetlag. He tucked both of them into bed and watched in the doorway as Luke cuddled up to Noah. Noah's unconsciously wrapped his arm around Luke and shifted until he found a comfortable position. He watched the boys until he was satisfied that they were okay. Then and only then did he feel comfortable retiring to his own room. It had been a long 48 hours and he hoped that some sound rest would make the situation less bleak.

He awoke with a start and immediately sat up in bed. His eyes frantically looked around the room trying to find something he recognized. Nothing looked familiar to him, and he could feel the panic beginning to settle in. He didn't know why he was there. His hand shot out and touched something hard. He heard a moan and turned before he realized it was Noah. That calmed him down slightly, but not enough to stop the tears from making their appearance.

Noah was here with him, but where was here? And why was Noah in a cast? When had he gotten hurt? Luke was seriously beginning to panic. He couldn't remember anything past going to the beach and getting knocked down…That couldn't be the last thing that happened, and he knew that and he reached out to his lifeline as the tears started to fall.

"Noah, Noah please wake up. I can't remember where we are and its scaring me Noah. Please."

"Luke?" Noah said stirring and immediately seeing that Luke was frantic. "Hey what's wrong?" He asked reaching a hand up to touch Luke's cheek. "You're ok. Calm down and we'll work through this and then everything will be clear, ok."

Luke helped Noah sit up, and it broke his heart to see that his best friend was in so much pain. "Noah I don't know what happened. What's going on, why are you hurt? I don't remember you getting hurt, and I can tell it hurts a lot," he said as the tears continued to fall. His heart was beating fast and Noah's touch was doing nothing to calm him.

Noah placed his hands on both sides of Luke's face to steady him a little bit. "I'm going to be fine Luke. It's nothing time won't heal. We had to leave Abby's because your mom and Damian found out we were there, do you remember any of that happening? Take a deep breath and focus on my hands. You can do it; you just need to calm down. I'm sure waking up in a strange place was scary, it used to happen to me every time we moved somewhere new with the army."

Luke tried to do what he was told. He took a deep breath and focused on Noah's hands, closing his eyes to stay his tears. He hated not knowing where he was, but it helped to know that Noah knew what that felt like. "Mom and Damian know where we are? Oh my god Noah, how did that happen? I don't remember," He said a little calmer with Noah's touch. "I don't remember what happened after we went to the beach."

"It's a long story," Noah sighed. "But it's also one we need for you to remember on your own. Me telling you isn't going to help you get better. So now let's see if we can work through this together ok? Deep breaths Luke; keep breathing. You're having a panic attack, baby, but you are going to be just fine. I won't let anything happen to you, you know that right?"

"I know," Luke said, closing his eyes again as he took deep breaths. There was nothing to fear, he was with Noah and Noah would make sure things were okay. Noah was going to help him to remember…he just needed to calm down. It was a few minutes before he felt ready to open his eyes and he pulled away from Noah momentarily and took his hands into his. "Okay, I'm ready to try remembering."

"Ok," Noah said calmly. "Tell me what you remember about what happened at the beach."

"We went to the beach. And while we were walking I got hit…it was volleyball and you gave it back to the guy, and I was scared. And then I got knocked down and there was sand in my face. And after that you had to get the sand out of my eyes."

"You are doing great." Noah encouraged. "That's exactly right. Now let's focus on when we got back to the house. Your dad was there; see if you can focus in on that conversation."

Luke tried to focus. He was in the car with Noah, they went home and then…"Dad asked how our day went, right? And then I went to write it down! That's what happened right," he asked excitedly. 

"Yep that's what happened. Now while you were writing in your journal I stayed behind to talk to your dad. Then I took a shower and you went to talk to your dad. See if you can focus on that conversation with your dad."

"Okay," Luke said frowning. "I remember telling you I was going to leave the room, and then Dad was in the kitchen…and he was eating…no wait I was eating tomatoes. Dad was cutting them. And I think we ended up talking about you."

"Good job, Luke," Noah decided not to ask why they were talking about him. "I wasn't' there, so I don't know what happened, or was said during that conversation, so we'll move on from there. The next time I saw you was in our bedroom. Focus there, and see what comes to mind."

He tried hard to catch the next thread of memory but he fell short. He couldn't piece it together anymore it was all just blank space. He shook his head as tears filled his eyes again. "I'm sorry Noah, I can't. I don't know what happened after that. I'm sorry."

"Its ok baby, really, it's fine. We're safe here. I contacted an old friend from my army brat years and he was able to help us get away and find us a place to catch our breaths. The rest of the memory will come, don't force it. Now do me a favor and hand me a pain pill and some water so I can help get us situated."

"Okay," Luke said getting up off the bed to get the bottle that sat on the dresser. He spotted their bags on the floor and looked inside to see if he could find a bottle of water. He handed the items to Noah and sat on the bed to watch him take his pill. "Does it hurt a lot?"

":Right now it does, but once the pill kicks in I will be fine and I'm going to stay off of it as much as possible for the next couple of days. Don't fret I would do anything to keep you safe and a little pain on my part is nothing compared to what you endured so don't you worry about me ok."

"I don't understand why you care about me so much, Noah. But I'm glad that you do. I'm just sorry I'm so messed up, and now you're hurt and I can't help but worry about you because…because if I ever lost you then I would be lost again."

"You're my best friend Luke. I would be lost without you too. I'll be ok, I promise, you are not going to lose me. We are a team here; we will get through things together."

Luke smiled appreciatively. He was very grateful to have Noah in his corner, though it made him sad that he had lost another 48 hours of time. What could have happened that made it necessary for them to leave California and Abby? And how had Noah gotten hurt? He knew that Noah wouldn't tell him and his dad? He frowned; was his dad with them? He would almost have to be…there was no way Noah could have gotten them here by himself?

"Noah is dad here?" he posed the question to his best friend. "He's here with us right?"

"Yep, I'm guessing your dad is just down the hall sleeping. It was very early when we got in and none of us slept much on the plane so we were all pretty zonked. I'm sure he will be up and around in a little while and then we can form our game plan of what we are going to do next. I think you will like Georgia. It's very different than Oakdale or LA. Things here move at a little slower pace so we can take our time and think about things."

"No beaches?"

"The closest beach is about 3 hours away so no beaches for a while. Atlanta is a few hours away so we may take a trip to the city, but not anytime soon. I want to be out of this cast before we attempt something like that. There are a lot of places I would love to show you but we will take things one step at a time."

"I'm glad we are somewhere you've lived before, Noah, and I will take care of you while you are off your feet. As best I can. And I don't know about being around people…but I'll try."

"Is everything alright in here," Holden said from the doorway. "I see you're both awake."

"Yes sir," Noah said looking up, "I think we are gonna be fine. Luke was a little scared when he woke up in a strange place, and he had a little trouble remembering the last few days, but he's made some progress and I think once we've all had some good rest the rest will come back to him. How are you sir? Were you able to get any sleep?"

"Yes, Noah as a matter of fact I did," Holden said coming into the room. "I'm glad to see you both looking more rested. "We slept the day away, so none of us should have to deal with jetlag. "Do either of you want breakfast?"

"I just took a pain pill so yeah food would probably be a good plan. Then we can take a look around our new home."

"I have to eat too," Luke said frowning. "If we missed a day then I missed my medicine."

"No worries, buddy, it's okay." Holden assured him. "You guys get ready, and then we'll eat and figure out our next step."

"Okay dad," Luke said once again scrambling off the bed. Noah sighed and attempted to move himself before giving in to the fact that he needed help. He looked over at Holden who came to give him a hand.

"It's okay to need help sometimes, Noah. "Let Luke and I take care of you for a while okay?"

"I'll try sir, but I have always had to look out for myself so asking for help doesn't come easy for me. I'm glad you're here Sir," he said after a moment's pause. "Not sure what I would have done without your help."

"Come on guys, the food is going to get cold," Luke called from the other room.

Holden smiled. He squeezed Noah's shoulder. "I'm glad I can be here for you, Noah. Now come on, before Luke eats everything in sight."

Noah cracked a smile as Holden left the room. He sat for a moment, his hands on the wheels of the chair, as he looked around the room. He had been in a place like this before, and it was interesting being here as a guest this time. He wanted to be optimistic about this adventure, for his sake as well as Luke's. Hopefully things would turn out okay. He heard Luke call his name and he chuckled. "Coming," he said as he wheeled himself out of the room.  
**

Noah settled down on the couch after breakfast. Luke and Holden were checking things out around the house while he checked emails and tried to figure out what their next move would be. Luke had insisted that he rest, because he wanted to take care of him for a change. Noah knew he couldn't deny Luke anything, and besides he wanted to figure out how to help him. It made him sad to think that Luke had lost his memories again, but he couldn't help but notice the pattern. The memories he lost were usually indirectly related to something bad that happened, or someone who betrayed him.

The first memory loss came after lunch with Lily, which landed him in a coma for almost two weeks. Then came the escape that occurred after his Mother and Damian wanted to green light the surgery and this time was a combination of Lily and Aaron, with Lily being the common denominator. Noah frowned as he tried to come to some semblance of a conclusion about this. It was obvious to him that Luke seemed to be blocking out betrayal…and those betrayals equated to pain, and if that was the case…

"Noah, do you want this?"

Noah looked up as Luke's voice effectively drew him out of his thoughts. He was holding a bag of boiled peanuts in his hands and Noah smiled. It had been a long time since he'd enjoyed a bag of boiled peanuts. In fact, he hadn't indulged in them since he left Fort Bragg. He should have figured that Sergeant McClaine wouldn't forget that.

"I'll eat some if you share them with me," Noah said gesturing for Luke to join him on the couch. His best friend smiled and carefully sat down beside him, and placed the nuts in his lap so they could share them. Noah watched Him for a moment as they ate, and he was struck with how beautiful Luke was. It was insane just how much joy he got out of just sitting with him doing something mundane like eating boiled peanuts. "So did you and your dad get everything set up?" he asked, realizing it was probably a good idea to break the silence before he thought more about other things.

"Yep, we got everything put away, and Dad showed me where everything is in the kitchen so I can help him with the cooking. I think I used to like to cook. Dad said he thinks maybe he can make Grandma Emma's apple pie with the apples in the fridge."

"That sounds good," Noah smiled. "And when I get better maybe you and I can cook together then. I can make my special pancakes for you, if you would like."

"I love pancakes; they are one of my favorites. What makes your pancakes special Noah?"

"Well the secret ingredient that makes them extra fluffy and extra good," Noah teased. "Besides they aren't just your run of the mill buttermilk pancakes…these are blueberry chocolate chip pancakes. You get the best of both worlds."

"Yummmmm I love blueberries and chocolate chips, but I've never had them together. What else do you like to cook Noah?"

Luke's face was so bright and Noah felt like his heart would melt at any moment. It was definitely a beautiful thing to see Luke happy. He had to keep this up. "Well," He said as he popped another boiled peanut, "I had to learn how to cook pretty early because I always ended up on my own. I can make a mean macaroni and cheese casserole and Turkey meat loaf. I have to make my Spanish omelet for you one day."

"Will you let me help you make those things Noah? I want to learn all those things so that I can make them for you. What's your favorite dessert? Grandma Emma always let me help make the desserts so I'm pretty good at those."

*I will not kiss him, I will not.* Noah pushed any thoughts of planting a kiss on that smiling mouth and focused on the question at hand. "Desserts eh? Well I am a fan of chocolate brownies and anything blueberry. I used to get these muffins on base, and they were toasted with butter and I swear they used to melt in your mouth." He smiled fondly at the memory. "Of course you can help me cook; I'm flattered that you want to cook for me, Luke. I'd like to do that with you one day."

"I can't wait Noah. This is going to be so much fun. These are really good peanuts. I've never had them boiled before, is that a southern thing?"

"Yes," Noah laughed. "I haven't had boiled peanuts since I moved away from here."

"What other southern things did you like? I'm sure there must be some that you can remember."

"Well, there's southern fried chicken, and cornbread," Noah said as he thought about that question. "Collard greens are pretty good, and beans and rice is pretty good too. Black eyed peas and shepherd's pie, oh and Sergeant McClaine's wife used to make this Ambrosia that was so good. I got sick once because I ate so much of it. But it was delicious."

"Oh my goodness that sounds so good," Luke said excitedly. "Is Sergeant McClaine here at this base?"

"Yes he's here," Noah smiled. "He's the friend I told you about. He was…very good to me when I lived here and he helped me out a lot."

"So do you think we might visit him and his wife while we are here? I would like to meet him so I can thank him for helping us."

"I don't know, Luke," Noah said solemnly. "I don't know if that is such a good idea."

"Ok. I'll just let you tell him how thankful I am because I bet he will be checking in on you to make sure you are ok."

Noah was silently grateful that Luke didn't ask him why that wouldn't be a good idea. He really wasn't ready to get into that discussion at the moment. "I'll make sure he knows how grateful you are Luke. He did tell me he'd be checking in from time to time. And once I am on my feet again, I can show you around and we can find someplace more permanent to stay until it's time to go back to Oakdale."

"I just want you to take care of that leg. It looks like it really hurts. I was so scared when I found you in the yard. Oh my God Noah, I remember finding you in the yard!"

"That's great," Noah exclaimed, wincing as he moved too fast. "Do you remember anything else? Like why you were outside in the first place?"

"No not yet," Luke shook his head, "but I feel better just knowing that it's still in there somewhere. Let's get you settled for a nap. I brought the blanket from our room so you won't get cold. Do you need anything else Noah?"

"Could you get me another pain pill?"

"I sure can. I'll bring a bottle of water too. I'll be right back."

"Okay, Baby," Noah said as Luke scrambled up taking the boiled peanuts up with him. Too late he realized what had just slipped out his mouth and he groaned, wondering if it was too much of a chance that Luke didn't hear that. He held his breathe as Luke returned with the water and the proffered pill."

"Here you go. Will it be ok if I sit here with you while you nap? It makes me feel better just knowing you are close by."

Noah swallowed the pill and took a drink of water before placing the bottle on the table. "I wouldn't mind having you right beside me again, Luke. I kinda like it when you sleep with…I mean stay with me."

"Then you get some rest, and I'll grab my journal and try and write while you are sleeping."

"Maybe looking in your journal will help you remember," Noah suggested, "And I still want to read it someday."

"I was going to show it to you last night so maybe when you wake up from your nap if you want to you can read it then."

Noah smiled, the medicine was starting to take effect and he knew he wouldn't be awake long. "You at least remembered that you were going to show it to me yesterday, so your memory is coming back good. "I really care about you Luke, just don't leave okay?"

Luke smiled at his best friend and went to get his journal out of the bedroom. Noah's eyes were closed when he returned to the room and he adjusted the blanket before settling down at Noah's feet. He reached over to lift up Noah's arm to check the date on his watch, and then he opened his journal and started to write.

October 12, 2007

I woke up this morning in our new home and I couldn't remember how I got here. Looks like the memory ghost has struck again…but Noah says I will remember everything eventually. I hope he's right.

18


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Lily and Damian looked like the perfect couple as they sat side by side, waiting for the Gate agent to call their flight. Lily looked smart in her cream colored suit, her hair slicked back into a classy bun. Her makeup was impeccable, and no one would have guessed that inside she was a bundle of nerves. Damian was dashing in black slacks and a black dress shirt with a blazer to match. He looked refined all the way down to his shiny tipped shoes. The expression on his face was unreadable, and the only sign that something may be amiss was the tapping of his fingers on his well tailored knee. They could have been royalty; diplomats finishing up a visit in America, now ready to return to their native country. Lily and Damian exuded elegance and charm…but in truth they gave new meaning to outward appearances being deceiving.

No one noticed Lily absentmindedly looking at her watch every five minutes. No one tried to understand the insults Damian was mumbling in his native tongue. They were anxious, and they were angry, and more importantly they were impatient. Every minute they had to wait for a plane, was another minute their son had to slip away from them yet again. They knew where he was, they just needed to get to him. He was too fragile to be on his own, that was the way Lily saw it. He wasn't rational enough to be making decisions…and Holden really should have known better.

Damian assured her that they would find their son, their plane would be ready soon, and it would take them no time to get to California. A car would be waiting for them as soon as they touched ground and they would rescue their boy before anymore harm was done. Every day away from them was a day that Luke got worse. That was what Damian said, and Lily feared he might be right. She just wanted her son to be okay…she wanted him to be the happy boy he was before…before he made the admission that had set them on this path. She was hoping that there would still be time to save him from this…she just wanted her little boy to be okay.

The plane ride was excruciatingly long, and the cab ride from the airport seemed even longer. They seemed to be behind all the slow drivers, and Lily wondered if maybe they should just walk to their destination. Damian slipped the cab driver an obscene amount of money, and before Lily could catch her breath they were weaving in and out of traffic like the devil was on their tail. Lily's heart beat quickened as they pulled up to their destination finally. Luke was in that house, and she couldn't wait to hold him in her arms again. She would scowl at Holden and lash out at Abby for her duplicity, but first she just wanted to hug Luke and tell him that he was going to be normal again. She knew that was all he wanted.

It was late when they got out of the car and Lily wondered if they should wait until the next morning. Damian scolded her for being considerate. It wasn't as if anyone had been considerate to their feelings, and the needs of their son for that matter. Since it was late, it was more likely that Abby would be home, and they could get Luciano while he was sleeping…and they could get him back to Oakdale, and back to the hospital without any problems.

Silence greeted their knock, and Lily looked at her watch once more. It indeed was late, and someone should be answering the door. Damian became insistent pounding on the door, yelling…demanding to be let in. Lily was afraid that he would break the door down, or worse alert the neighbors to their presence.

After what seemed an eternity Lily saw a familiar face at the door. It was her step-daughter and she looked like she had just crawled out of bed. Her hair was limp and her eyes were wide as she held her robe around herself. "What on earth?" she said, growing angry as Damian shoved her aside and barged into her home. "Excuse me; you can't just come in here like you own the place." Lily smiled inwardly at Abby's spunk…she was like her father, it took guts to stand up to Damian.

"I want my son, where is he?" Damian demanded even as he went through the house calling Luke's name. "Luciano, Luciano, Luciano."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Abby said crossing her arms in front of her. "Lily will you call off your…your pit bull please."

"Abby, please excuse Damian, he's just concerned about Luke. If you would just tell us where he and Holden are we can go peacefully."

"They aren't here," Abby said as Damian's voice rang in her ears. It seemed like he was getting louder with every room he tried. "Please, tell Luke's father that this is not the way to go about things. Yelling is not going to make Luke appear. I don't know where he is."

"What did you do with my son," Damian demanded when he returned to the living room. "Don't lie to me, little girl, tell me where my son is and no one will get hurt."

"Even if I did know where Luke was, I wouldn't tell you," Abby spat as she pushed the man's finger away from her. "It is not my fault that you can't find your kid, and from what I can tell he's better off without you anyway."

"Damian," Lily gasped as the man raised his hand. She knew her ex-husband had a temper but he had never raised his hand to a woman…it just wasn't his style. "That's enough…leave her be. I'll talk to her."

Damian lowered his hand, but he never stopped glaring at Abby. Lily wasn't surprised that her step-daughter refused to back down. She looked defiant…she was definitely a Snyder that was a definite.

"Please, Abby," Lily implored turning her attention on her stepdaughter implicitly. "Tell us where your father has taken Luke."

"I told you I don't know," Abby insisted. I came home and they were gone. No notes, no forwarding addresses, nothing. Dad and Luke are gone."

"Sweetie, Luke needs our help," Lily pleaded. "It's a matter of life and death. If you care about Luke at all you will help us."

"Are you kidding me?" Abby said incredulously. "If you had Luke's best interest in mind then Daddy and Luke wouldn't be running away from you guys would they?"

"Holden doesn't know…"

"Don't you dare say what my father doesn't know about his own son," Abby snapped, shutting Damian off at the pass. "Have either of you taken the time to think about what Luke might want? And what he might need? It's apparent to me that you haven't, and unless I miss my guess it's the two of you that are putting Luke's life in danger not my father."

"How could you say that," Lily said a pained expression covering her face. "We're not the ones who took him out of the hospital when he needed surgery that could save him."

"You mean surgery that could kill him," Abby said seriously. "Look, Luke was here, I saw him with my own two eyes. He does not need surgery. You don't just randomly start operating on somebody's brain. Especially when it's someone who's damage is clearly emotional and not physical. And you as his mother should have been able to see that."

"Don't you dare pretend to know what my son wants? Your father does enough of that, and that's why he's out there somewhere."

"Are you listening to yourself," Abby raged. "You know my dad would give his life for Luke, in a heartbeat. Luke has always been his favorite, and you listen to this man," Abby pointed at Damian, over someone who has been with Luke from day one? Does that even make sense? Has Dad ever given you a reason to think he would harm Luke? Come on, seriously?"

Lily bit her lip; she really didn't have a comeback for that. She wanted to believe that her husband wouldn't harm Luke. She knew how much Holden loved him and vice versa. This was different though wasn't it?"

"If he loved him so much he wouldn't have taken him out of the hospital," Damian interjected angrily. "And I don't think you have a say in what goes on with my boy. Tell us where he is or I will have you arrested for aiding and abetting."

"I'd like to see you try," Abby scoffed. "You may intimidate people for a living, Mr. Grimaldi but your attitude does not work on me. I don't know where Dad took Luke, they headed North, and for I know they could be halfway to Canada by now. I hope that they stay as far away from you as possible."

"Enough of this," Damian said frustrated. "Come along Lily, we're out of here. I said now," he snapped when Lily hesitated. She jumped and followed behind him and Abby slammed the door behind them and leaned against it. She could hear them arguing as they went down the walk, but she didn't really care. If she had had any doubts about her father's decision they were eased by that encounter. Luke was in good hands with Noah and her dad. She locked and bolted her door before returning to her room to retrieve her phone. She settled down in bed and pushed the buttons on her phone, swiftly getting a message off to its recipient."

**The coast is clear. Take care of Luke, and tell him I love him.**

She clicked off the phone and put it back on the night table. Lily and Damian could look all over Canada if they wished, they wouldn't find Luke, not if Abby had anything to say about it.

_October 22, 2007_

_Today is shaping up to be a very good day. I always wonder about that statement because in reality how do you really know it's shaping up to be good? I guess waking up in the morning is one way, but I always thought there was something more profound about those words. For me waking up doesn't mean it's a good day. In fact that's only been the case since we moved the second time. I know that is going to confuse Noah, but I think I can explain it._

_Ever since we came to Fort Benning I have felt safer somehow. I feel like I am going to be okay, even more so than I did when we were in Los Angeles. I don't doubt why I feel this way; I know it has to do with Noah. Noah is the constant in all of this…and my dad…he's like that faded surface just waiting to be polished. He's strong and sturdy and can withstand just about anything life throws at him…I have to give him credit; he even puts up with me…and I love him for that._

_The thing about Los Angeles was that I felt an overwhelming sense of danger. Even though I knew my sister was on our side, I felt like the plan could come undone at any moment…and it did. Of course that wasn't Abby's fault…she did the best that she could hiding us, and it would have worked except that my brother ruined it. Maybe he meant well, maybe he thought he was looking out for me…but that doesn't change the fact that he inevitably put me in more danger. That is the crux…in my sister's home I still felt like I was in danger. But here in the fort, with Noah and my dad, I feel like I can breathe._

_Noah says that I need to work on trusting people and things. I already trust him more than I think I have ever trusted anyone else in my life. And that's including my dad, who is slowly regaining my trust. It says a lot to me that Dad is even here and not at home with mom and the girls…and little Ethan. I know he misses them greatly. I miss them too. Sometimes, I think I should tell him to go home because they probably need him more than I do. But I know he won't leave…especially not with Noah being in the condition that he is in. I have no doubt about the relationship my father has with my best friend…I think it's pretty nice that he found another son to love. Noah told me a little about his own father and I think that having my dad has helped him a lot. I'm really glad that my Dad has been able to be there for him, and it means a lot to me that both of them care for me too._

_I know I trust Noah; it's the one thing I know for certain. I want him to be able to trust me too. I want him to be able to confide in me, to tell me all of his secrets and his fears. I want to be able to be his rock sometimes, and I hope he lets me do that. I hope he will allow me into his world, and he won't think I'm too fragile to handle what he has to say. Sometimes I feel like he's holding back from me, but then I think that's just in my head. Noah has never given me a reason to doubt him…and I don't think he'd ever start._

_I don't want him to read this and think that I am questioning him, because that is not the case. I just, sometimes feel like there are hidden meanings in his words, and I want him to tell me those meanings. I just reread that sentence and I am not sure it made sense to me. I don't know if it will make sense to him. _

Luke frowned as he looked at his words and decided it was a good place for him to stop. He had exercised his brain as much as he could at the moment, and besides he wanted to get out of the bedroom for a bit. He wondered if Noah was awake yet and if he would want some company. Thinking about his best friend put a smile on his face and he put his journal it it's new hiding spot and went to seek out his house mates.

"Aha!" Noah exclaimed as he typed away at his computer. Holden looked up from the paper he had been reading and smiled as he watched the young man attack the keys. Noah had been working on something for the past hour, ever since he woke from his nap and Holden had to admit he was curious what he was so excited about.

"Are you going to share?" he asked startling Noah who he gathered had forgotten he wasn't alone. He laughed at the expression Noah was giving him and pointed at the computer. "What's got you so excited?"

"Oh," Noah blushed. "I kinda sorta hacked into the post office," he admitted shyly."

"Is there anywhere you can't hack into?" Holden asked amused. "Don't answer that," he said when it seemed that Noah was about to do just that.

"I was trying to figure out how to trace the letters you and Luke sent each other," Noah explained. Every piece of mail goes through a process when it's sorted and scanned and then put into the correct pile or compartment. The process of mail delivery is not as simple as a postal worker putting it into a mailbox. It is predicted that by the time we get the mail in our hands, it has been touched by at least a half dozen other people and machines."

"Wow," Holden said impressed. "I didn't know that. So what have you uncovered from your search."

"Well if I have tracked this correctly the mail that you sent to Luke looped to a post office box first. And then after that it went to the Kreeger Foundation. And there seems to be a lapse in time there."

"What do you mean?"

"There was a considerable amount of time between the letter reaching the P.O box and then being shipped to the foundation. It's like your letter got to the P.O box on Tuesday…but didn't leave that address until Friday."

"Hmmm therefore Luke didn't get the letter until at least Monday," Holden surmised.

"Exactly, which in theory makes no sense. Unless…"

"Unless someone was tampering with the mail?" Holden guessed.

"Yeah," Noah said as he continued to key in information. "I wonder if I can gain access to that P.O Box."

"Do you think its necessary now, Noah? I mean we have Luke's word and that's enough for me."

"It won't be enough to nail Damian," Noah pointed out. "Unfortunately, people are going to look at Luke and think that he's mentally unstable. You and I know he isn't, but Damian will make us look like the bad guys, and make it seem like Luke is confused and lost and we just took advantage of that."

"So the letters will prove that Luke is telling the truth about this place."

"Yeah." Noah was focusing on the computer again his expression thoughtful as he typed away. Holden could only marvel at what he was doing. "Okay, I think I got it…I'm having all the mail in that P.O box forwarded to this address…hopefully this will work."

"With you at the helm, Noah I am sure it will work just fine. You've done so much for Luke, and I think moving him here has helped a lot."

"He does seem to be doing better," Noah admitted as he closed his laptop. He winced as he placed the computer down beside him.

"Are you okay? Do you need another dose of medication?" Holden asked concerned. "Or do you need a pillow? Do you need another pillow?

"No I'm fine," Noah said shaking his head, "and I want to wean myself off of the Vicoden. I can't think when I'm on that stuff. I don't mind the pain. It's just a reminder that I am not 100 percent yet, and won't be for another few weeks. Luke is doing a good job taking care of me though."

"I think taking care of you has helped him a lot so far," Holden admitted. "He is gaining some confidence and he seems to be learning how to trust, at least a little."

"He does seem a little bit happier," Noah agreed. "I think he'd feel a lot better if he remembered everything, but he's trying."

"_And he feels like we need him here, especially with you off your feet. He likes waiting on you hand and foot."_

"Yeah," Noah smiled. "I worry about him though. It's only been a week so far and I'm sure he will have some questions about things. I'm concerned about what he will feel once he starts to really recall what happened to him while he was away."

"Are you guys talking about me?" Luke asked startling both men with his sudden presence. Noah peered over his shoulder as the blond came forward and carefully took a seat beside him on the couch. He looked between Noah and his dad and waited for one of them to answer him.

"So what if we were," Holden teased.

"Dad," Luke exclaimed, his eyes widening as he focused on Noah who smiled at him. "Will you tell me if you were talking about me, Noah?"

"We were just discussing your recovery," Noah said stifling a chuckle. He thought Luke was adorable, but he knew at the moment he was being serious.

"I'm trying hard to get better," Luke assured his best friend. "I actually wanted to talk to you about that too…because I know that it's important for me to remember certain things."

"You are definitely doing good, Luke, that was all we were saying, right Holden?"

"That's right Luke. "We're proud of you."

"You are?" Luke seemed surprised by the praise, but Noah noticed that it made him smile.

"Indeed," Holden responded as he stood from his seat. "In fact, what if I make a special dinner tonight to celebrate your progress."

"Can we have pasta?" Luke asked excitedly.

"With lots of garlic and butter?" Holden asked smiling.

"Use margarine dad it's healthier." He frowned as both Noah and his dad laughed. "What's so funny, he asked when his dad was out of earshot.

"Nothing's funny, Luke. Your dad and I just think you're cute…especially when you are bossy."

"_I'm not bossy!" Luke exclaimed. "Am I?"_

"You can be" Noah said choosing his words carefully. "But it's not a bad thing, Luke. It's actually a good sign that you are chipping away at the barriers you put up when you were gone."

"Hey guys," Holden said coming back into the living room. "We're out of pasta. How about I whip up some Chicken and rice instead?"

"Awww Dad," Luke said wrinkling his nose. "I had my heart set on pasta. Can't we run to the store and get some?"

"See, you are bossy," Noah laughed.

"I am not! Please Dad? I really want tonight to be special."

"I don't mind at all," Holden said grabbing his keys and jacket. "You stay here with Noah, and I'll be right back."

"See, you can be bossy," Noah said with a sarcastic smirk.

"I wasn't being bossy was I? Dad's not going to be mad at me for that is he?"

"Not at all," Noah assured him. "He was fine with it. In fact he was probably looking for a chance to get away from the two of us for a little while. Besides, I've noticed from the get go some of your stubbornness and I must admit I find it quite endearing."

"I think you have an answer for everything, Noah."

"I try." Noah said as he cringing as he reached for his computer. Luke noticed him struggle and picked up the computer for him.

"I think you're stubborn too, Noah," he said as he opened Noah's laptop. "Is it too much trouble for you to ask for help sometimes?"

"Sorry," Noah said sheepishly. "I'm still used to doing things for myself. It's hard for me to ask for help…and besides I'm supposed to help you."

"I think it should work both ways," Luke pointed out. "I like being able to help you. It makes me feel important. And I don't want you to hurt yourself…I don't think I could handle it if you were hurt more, Noah."

"I'm okay, Luke. Really."

"No you're not," Luke insisted. "I don't think you think I'm stupid, but you do think I don't see things. Well I do, and I can tell that you're hurting…even right now you are feeling a pain in your ribs but you don't want to take the Vicoden but that's okay because I don't like you taking it unless you are really hurting bad. And I can also tell that you hate having to sit on the couch all day and you wish you could walk around like you used to do at Abby's. You don't like being confined to that chair and then having to sleep at a 45 degree angle propped up by pillows. I know you wish you could lie flat and roll over while you're sleeping. And…and…"

Noah frowned as Luke's tirade stopped abruptly and he couldn't figure out why. "Luke?" he asked cautiously as he watched his best friend who was looking blankly at the computer screen. The change had been so sudden that it scared Noah immensely. What was he looking at?

Luke didn't hear Noah call his name. His eyes were transfixed on the computer screen. There was a web browser open and the name at the top of the page had caught Luke's attention. **Kreeger Foundation**. As he stared straight ahead, the website faded away, and he found himself being drawn into darkness. He shuddered, and his breathing became erratic as he felt hands holding him down. He couldn't move, his legs felt like lead, and his arms…bound against him. He felt himself falling forward to the floor. What scared him the most was looking up towards the eyes that were staring back at him. The eyes that belonged to the body that was now holding him prisoner.

Those eyes were blue.

"Why Are You Doing This To Me?" Luke screamed his voice sounding strained, and frightened. The scream took Noah off guard and put him on notice. He knew enough to know that Luke wasn't with him at that moment, and it was too soon to try to bring him back. Noah felt trapped since all he could do was watch. "Why are you letting them do this? Why are you helping them hurt me?" Luke yelled, looking towards Noah. Noah frowned wondering if he should try to say something.

"Luke?" he called tentatively. "Luke, can you hear me? I need you to listen to me…hear my voice."

"Adam, please…let me up, please don't let them hurt me," Luke pleaded with the memory that held him in its grip. "I'll do whatever you want me to do, but you can't let them hurt me again, please. You promised."

"Luke," Noah called again, feeling helpless in his current position. "Luke, baby you have to listen to me…okay you have to hear me."

Luke was struggling now, and tears were rolling down his face. It made Noah swear under his breath, and he forced his body to move. He didn't care that he was causing himself more pain; he knew this was something he needed to do.

Ignoring the pain that shot through his chest, Noah pulled the pillows from behind his back and laid flat. He rolled to the edge and dropped to the floor. He heard a crash as his body landed on the laptop. He grabbed his chest tightly, reached for the arm of the chair, and pulled himself to a seated position. He then pulled himself to the left towards Luke. He placed one hand on Luke's shoulder and placed the other on his cheek, gently stroking as he spoke. "Luke, baby, listen to me. It's okay, it's alright…you're safe."

"Noah…help me," Luke cried, the sound broke Noah's heart. "He won't let me go," Luke said struggling to pull his arms free.

"Listen to me," Noah insisted, cupping the cheek and forcing Luke to look at him. Look at me, Luke. See me. Hear me."

"I can't, Noah. I can't."

"Yes you can," Noah yelled. "Luke you can do anything you put your mind to. I need you to listen to me, hear my voice and come back to me, baby. Come back to me where it's safe." Noah reached for Luke's wrists pulling them away from his body.

"Safe?" Luke's voice sounded hopeful, and Noah clung to that. That simple thread was going to help him pull Luke back.

"Yes, yes Luke. It's safe here. It's just you and me, and your dad…he's here with us."

"Dad's here?" Luke asked, the hope seeming to shine even brighter.

"Yes, he's here…he ran to the store. And he'd be really sad if he knew you were so scared.

"I don't want to scare dad…I just want to be okay, Noah."

"Open your eyes, Luke," Noah said reaching out to Luke and then pulling back, afraid that a hug might scare Luke. Gently placing his hands on Luke's shoulders he moved in close, looking him straight in the eye. "Let me see those beautiful eyes of yours…I need you to see me, baby…I need you to see ME."

"No Adam?"

"No…no Adam. Just Noah."

'And you aren't going to hold me down?"

"No, honey I'm not going to hold you down, ever…okay. I need you to tell me what Adam did okay? Can you tell me about it?"

Luke shook his head as he pressed his body against Noah. Noah wrapped his arms around him, knowing that for the moment he couldn't concentrate on his own pain. Not until Luke was okay. HE sighed as he held his best friend and rested his head against soft blond hair.

Lily was growing restless. Every minute that passed equated a moment lost to her. Her son, her baby was out there somewhere and she desperately wanted to get to him. Logically she wanted to believe that Holden wouldn't let anything happen to him…but the circumstances said otherwise. He had deliberately taken Luke out of the hospital, and he had deliberately put him in harm's way. Damian was furious, and as much as Lily wanted to defend Holden she found that she couldn't.

Now thanks to Holden's carelessness they were hopping on and off planes and following leads that turned out to be false. Lily hoped they had better luck in Seattle. If they could ever get there.

"What is taking so long," Damian muttered under his breath. "It shouldn't take that long to gas up a plane."

"Relax, Damian. We just have to wait," Lily tried to calm her ex-husband.

"Don't tell me to calm down," Damian snapped. Lily sighed. Her ex could be so short tempered sometimes. "When we find Luciano I will make sure that you and that crazy husband of yours can't harm him again."

"You don't mean that," Lily insisted. "You aren't the only one who is a little on edge, Damian. But I will be damned if I let you take my son away from me."

"He would be better off being raised by me in Malta. I should have…"

"You should have what," Lily railed. "You know what, Damian I'm really getting sick of your insults and your put downs. It was your fault, not mine and not Holden's that you weren't a part of Luke's life."

"If not for you my son wouldn't be-"

"IF you care one iota about me you will not finish that sentence. Luke is sick, and I will help him just like I helped him when he was going through the kidney transplant. That was me, Damian, not you. We couldn't even find you. I was the one by his bedside, and I will be the one there when you decide to slip out again. So don't you dare accuse me of being the reason my son is gay."

Lily stood abruptly and walked away from her ex just as the announcement for their plane was called. She felt Damian's arm slink around her waist, steering her towards the gate.

Holden wasn't sure what to think of the sight that met his return to the house. He stood just inside the door taking it all in, trying to make sense of everything. Noah's computer was on the floor looking like it had been crushed. The pillows on the couch were askew, but Noah and Luke were nowhere to be found. A slight whimper drew Holden's attention to the chair where Luke and Noah were huddled together on the floor. Noah looked extremely uncomfortable in that position, but it was obvious that his attention was set completely on Luke who, unless Holden missed his guess, had been crying.

Neither boy acknowledged his presence in the house. They seemed to be wrapped up in each other, though Holden was certain there was nothing remotely romantic about the situation. In fact that seemed to be the furthest thing from reality. He kept a close eye on them even as he passed the couch to take his two bags of groceries into the kitchen. He left the bags on the table and returned to the living room clearing his throat to get the boys' attention.

Noah jumped slightly and winced at the sudden movement. Luke looked up and met his dad's eyes trying to gauge his father's reaction to what he was seeing. To his surprise Holden didn't look disgusted or angry…his eyes were full of concern and wonder and Luke breathed a sigh of relief as he pulled away from Noah. He wiped the remaining moisture from his eyes and frowned when he noticed how awkward a position Noah was in. "Oh my God, Noah are you okay?"

"I'm…fine," Noah gasped as he attempted to shift his body. He fell back against the chair and sat there for a few seconds before reluctantly looking up at Holden. "I'm…fine. I just need to…can you help me up?"

Luke scrambled to his feet and with Holden's help they lifted Noah off the floor and helped situate him on the couch. Luke fixed up the pillows while Holden adjusted Noah until he sat comfortably. Luke had disappeared for a minute and soon returned with a pill and a glass of water.

"I don't want to take a Vicoden," Noah said shaking his head even as Luke placed the water in his hands.

"I think maybe you should, Noah," Holden pointed out. "You look like you're in a lot of pain."

"I know you don't like taking the pills, Noah," Luke added, holding the pill out for Noah to take. "But you're hurting, and I'm sorry you got hurt helping me. It will make me feel better to know that the pill will make your pain will go away at least for a little while."

Noah sighed. He could not resist those eyes, and Luke just seemed so sincere. "Okay," he said taking the pill. He popped the pill and took a drink of water to wash it down. He really did hate taking the pills, he never felt quite right after doing so. But he knew Luke was worried about him if he was bringing him the pill. Luke didn't like medicine any more than Noah did, and only tolerated the kidney meds because he knew he needed them to survive. "There, happy now," Noah said, swallowing the pill and handing the glass back to Luke.

Luke smiled and went to put the glass in the kitchen. Holden shook his head and placed a hand on Noah's shoulder. "Why don't you go ahead and take a nap," he suggested. "Then you and Luke can explain to me why your computer is damaged beyond repair."

Noah blushed and shifted to get comfortable. A nap sounded like a good idea. "Will you watch over Luke," he asked even as he allowed his eyes to close.

"Don't worry he will be in good hands," Holden assured him. "Thank you for taking care of him."

"Don't have to thank me," Noah whispered as he gave in to the medicine he had ingested. Holden watched the slow rise of his chest, only looking up when Luke reentered the room.

"Dad I think I'm going to write for a little bit," he whispered. "Is that okay?"

"That's fine, Luke. I'll talk to you in a while."

"Okay," Luke said heading off to his bedroom. He stopped at the door and turned to see his dad taking a seat in the recliner. "Hey Dad?"

"Yes, Luke?"

"Thanks for not asking too many questions. I promise to explain…as soon as I understand it myself." His dad smiled at him and Luke looked at that expression for a long moment before turning to go into his bedroom. Even to this day his dad still amazed him. He trusted his dad, and he felt like he was getting his relationship with him back on track.

He tucked his leg beneath him on the bed and pulled out his journal. He turned to an empty page and tapped his pen against the empty page for a few minutes while he got his thoughts together. A concentrated frown crept across his lips as he wrote the date on top of the page and started to write.

_I think Noah and I scared Dad today, even though we didn't mean to. I think I managed to scare Noah as well, and I know I scared myself. I can't believe the memories that came forward today…they just seemed so real, and for a minute I truly thought I was back at Kreeger, and that Adam was with me. Those eyes…they used to give me such hope. I felt safe when Adam was around because I thought he was my friend. In some ways he was nice to me like Noah is being nice to me. _

_I think that's why I get them so mixed up sometimes. And when I see Noah's eyes it's easy to revert back to when I was with Adam…and I think I do that because on some level I am still scared. I don't want to hurt Noah's feelings, because I do trust him…but I am still afraid of the moment when everything will go bad. I fear that split second when everything changes and Noah betrays me just like Adam did. And that makes me sad._

_If I can be honest with myself for one minute, then I know that that betrayal is my biggest fear. If that day comes when Noah turns on me, I don't think I can come back from that. And that is probably the scariest thing of all. With Noah I feel like I am finding myself, and I really don't want to be lost again. Maybe I should tell Noah that, maybe I should talk to him about a lot of things…I just don't know if I can. I don't think I trust myself…perhaps I should just take a chance and trust him? _

_I don't know if I can do that either…not without fear._

_Noah always says that the only thing to fear is fear itself. He says that I need to face my fears…because that is the only way I'm going to defeat them. I know on some level that he's right, and I think I have to stop saying I can't do this. No one can do it but me. Noah can be by my side, and Dad can be in my corner, but unless I am able to take that leap…it's not going to happen, no matter how much support I have._

_Noah also says that you aren't going to know the answer to something unless you ask. I think my dad used to say the same thing, so perhaps I need to take their advice and lay all the cards out on the table. If I'm going to completely recover from…last year then I need to make an effort to win. Right now I think that I am my worst enemy. I went through so much last year…and ever since I came back I haven't been able to talk about it. I think it's time for that to change. _

_It's time for me to open up about what happened…I need to remember what it was like, and share what I went through. And if I can do that then it will be out there, and I can get past it. I hope I can get past it. Noah seems to thin, I can, and I think my dad does too. I want to believe it…I want to believe a lot of things. But how do you do that when for the last year your instincts have been wrong? How do you trust the word of others when you don't have the ability to trust yourself? And the big question is how do you trust yourself?_

_Its questions like these that confuse me the most…because it's not like I can really ask Noah about them. I could, but I don't think he could give me good answers. It is very hard for me to admit that…but I know it to be the truth. Noah can't answer the things I need to answer myself…I just wish he could show me the way, lead me in the right direction, and tell me if I'm doing it right. I can ask him that, can't I? It's not wrong for me to want his help…is it?_

He stopped writing for a minute and chewed on his pen. He had a lot of thoughts running around in his mind, and Noah had told him he should write them all down. Somehow the memory of Adam had opened up a vault he had thought locked forever. The words were coming faster than he could write them down, and he hoped that what he was saying made sense.

_Adam was the one person in that place who led me to believe that what I was feeling was right. He told me that I didn't have to pretend…that I could act like me because he was going to protect me. He was going to protect me…that was what he had said. I suppose I should have known better the first time I ended up in isolation…he convinced me that wasn't his fault. He said he got them to let me out, and I believed him. _

_I thought I had found a friend amidst all the enemies…like a light in the darkness but it was a fallacy…one I paid dearly for time and time again. Adam broke my spirit and my heart in one fail swoop…it was like the last straw, the last domino that falls with a sickening thud. I'm trying to recover from that, and I want to…I do. And I think…I think that maybe just maybe I actually can._

"When we get to Seattle I will do all the talking."

Lily looked at her ex-husband, but didn't say a word. She was going to play nice with Damian…for Luke's sake. She knew him well enough to know that he always got what he wanted…everyone else be damned. That was going to stop though, as soon as they found Luke. She wouldn't let him take Luke away…but for now, until their son was back with her, she would listen.

"If you think that is best, then that is how it will be," she said turning away to face the window. The clouds passed them by, and normally she hated looking out the window of the plane. Today though it was a nice distraction…and plus Damian couldn't' intrude on her thoughts.

"This is for the best Lily," Damian's voice met her ears. "We will talk to your brother-in-law, and I will find out what we need to know. And Luciano will be back in our care before the night is over." What he didn't say was that he would be leaving Seattle without her. He would take Luciano with him, and they would go where he could get help for the boy. Luciano needed guidance, and he needed care…he wasn't getting either with Lily and that…thing she called a husband. Holden Snyder would pay for taking his son. In fact he would wish he had never interfered in Luke's life at all.

Truthfully he was grateful for Holden's influence on his son, but he felt like he could do a better job…so he was going to take Luciano and raise him as he should have a long time ago. As long as the boy was away from all the negative influences…he would be the man he was meant to be. But until then, he would play nice with Lily. She was after all the boy's mother and Damian still loved her…he always would.

"I just hope Luke is okay," Lily whispered. "I hope he's not getting any sicker."

"Relax…I may not like your husband, but I am sure he is taking good care of Luciano."

"Did you just pay Holden a compliment?" Lily turned to face her ex.

"Hardly," Damian scoffed. "Just stating a fact. "Holden knows he would hurt you deeply if something happened to Luciano. But once he is with us, Lily that's it…I am Luciano's father, and whatever I need to do to make that so, I will do. I can reverse the adoption just like you did with your mother."

Lily was horrified, but she masked it well. Damian wouldn't have a chance to do what he planned…not if she had anything to say about it. "Whatever you think is best Damian. I'll follow your lead."

Noah was still sleeping when Luke entered the living room. He walked over to his friend and felt his forehead, watching the rise and fall of his chest for a few minutes before he was satisfied that Noah was just sleeping. "Dad?" he said as he went into the kitchen where his dad was making preparations for dinner. "Is it okay that Noah's still sleeping? It's been three hours."

"He's fine Luke," Holden assured him as he rinsed the pasta off in the sink. "I think he just overexerted himself earlier, so he needed some sleep."

"That wasn't my fault was it?" Luke asked worried.

"Here," Holden said tossing an onion to his son who caught it quickly in his hands. "Cut that for me okay?" He watched Luke pick up a knife and look at it before beginning the process of chopping the onion. "It's not your fault," Holden responded to his question. "I'm not sure what happened earlier, but I don't' think you are the cause of Noah's exhaustion. Do you think you can tell me what happened?"

"Can I ask you a question first," Luke asked as he sliced through the onion carefully.

"Sure you can."

Luke lowered his head and concentrated on what he was doing for a few minutes. He could feel the tears coming, but he ignored them as he thought about what he wanted to say. It was an important question, he needed to talk about it…though he hoped by asking he wasn't betraying his best friend or his dad.

"Luke? You okay?"

His dad's voice drew him back and he looked up and met his gaze. He blinked back the tears and started to chop the onion into little bits so that his dad could put them in the fryer. "Do you trust Noah?" he asked quickly, his eyes widening as he couldn't believe he had just asked it like that. He placed the knife on the counter and slid off the stool to peek out the kitchen. Noah was still sleeping soundly as far as he could tell, and he turned to focus on his dad again.

Holden took the cutting board and swept the sliced onion into the frying pan on low heat. He gestured for Luke to get the makings for salad out of the refrigerator, and waited until they were in the middle of salad making before focusing on Luke's question. "Is there something specific you want to know Luke? About Noah?"

"Well," Luke said as he shredded the lettuce, "I figured out what happened today…and why it happened. And it scares me, because it puts all of this in question. I'm so confused about how I feel about things. And Noah is the most important thing…I want to make sure that I can trust him…even though I think I can, but I don't trust myself, Dad." He concentrated on the vegetable for a moment as if it held the answer to all his questions. "I just don't want to get hurt and I'm afraid that I will be, even though Noah has never given me a reason to feel that way."

"And why is that?" Holden asked curiously.

Luke gained confidence from the fact that his dad wasn't angry at him for speaking his thoughts. He seemed genuinely concerned…just like Noah often did. "I don't think I could take it," he admitted, "If Noah hurt me the way…" He frowned and once again focused on making the salad.

"You're thinking about Adam?" Holden prodded gently. Luke nodded, and looked up towards the living room once again. "Noah's fine, Luke. He's just sleeping."

Luke sighed and picked up a tomato and started slicing. "I thought I could trust Adam," he said after a few moments of cutting and chopping. "He was the only guy in the whole place I thought I could trust. He helped me a lot…he saved me, Dad."

Holden wasn't sure if he truly wanted to know what that meant, and he had a fear that the truth was going to upset him greatly. He let his son know he was listening and urged him to continue with his story. He had a feeling Luke just needed to talk.

He became my everything, and told me that it was okay to be who I was. He said it was okay to be me, and I listened to him…and because I listened to him I got in trouble and I had to be isolated a lot. He always told me that wasn't his fault…but I think it was. I think he was betraying me the whole time…and today when I saw the computer screen, and I saw that name it just hit me what I was doing. And I thought I was seeing Adam…and when he held me down…"

"You're afraid Noah's going to hold you down like Adam did…though not so much physically."

"Yeah…" Luke said surprised that his dad understood. "It's more of a metaphorical thing. It's like the more I start to trust Noah, the more scared I get because Adam broke me…he shattered something inside and I'm trying hard to get it back. I…I just don't know if It is working and I want to believe Noah, and I do believe him…but I don't trust my own judgment. I don't trust me."

He looked at his dad seriously, and once again let his eyes flitter to the door that led to the living room. He was worried about Noah. He wanted his best friend to be okay, and he wanted to be able to tell him what he was feeling. He sighed and looked at his dad once more, waiting for his reaction to the words. His father's expression was thoughtful, and Luke waited patiently to hear what he had to say.

"I trust you," Holden said as he continued to work on dinner. "And Noah trusts you. Until you are able to trust yourself, at least know that much. We trust that you will be able to work through this Luke. We have faith in you and your abilities. We know you wouldn't betray us…and the fact that you check on Noah every five minutes just proves that we are right to trust you."

Luke bit his lip and went to check on Noah once more while his dad set the pasta to boil. His dad's words touched him in places he didn't think he could feel anymore. His emotions had been cut off for so long, and slowly Noah had been helping him to realize that he didn't have to leave them off permanently. Now he felt so many things, and he wished there was a way to organize those emotions...though he was starting to wonder if that was the point. Maybe his feelings were supposed to be jumbled.

"So what you're saying is that I can gauge trust by what the person does?" he asked wanting to understand what his father was telling him. "Like there's proof that Noah is trustworthy?"

"I trust him," Holden said simply. "I trust him with your life, Luke…and I'd trust him with mine. I understand that Adam hurt you in a lot of ways, and I get that you don't trust your instincts right now. I trust that you will make the decision that is best for you, and for Noah."

"But that doesn't tell me what I should do," Luke frowned.

"I think you already know," Holden commented thoughtfully. "You just have to allow yourself to accept the answer. Noah isn't Adam, and I think in the few months that you have known him; he has more than proven that fact to you, even if you didn't realize he was doing it. You know the answers you seek, Luke. You just need to allow your heart to accept them."

"And you really think I can do that?" Luke asked uncertainly.

"I think you can do anything you put your mind to, Son. I believe in you, and if I can tell you anything about Noah, it's that he believes in you too."

There was no way to describe just how much those words meant to him. Luke smiled and moved to give his dad a hug. Holden was momentarily startled but effortlessly covered as he wrapped his arms around his son. "Thanks Dad," he said softly. "Just thanks."

"No thanks necessary," Holden's voice was soft as he rubbed soothing circles along his son's back. He kissed Luke's forehead and smiled proudly at him. "I'm proud of you, Luke."

"Me? Why?" Luke asked his eyes full of a spark Holden hadn't seen in a long time.

"For taking control of your life. Noah and I may be helping you here, but it's you that is spearheading this recovery. You want to be yourself again, and I'm proud of you for trying."

Luke couldn't stop smiling. He didn't think his dad truly knew how much those simple words of praise meant to him. He felt like he was on cloud nine. His dad was proud of him.

"Hey Luke"" Holden called startling him out of his thoughts. He blinked and frowned, realizing he must have missed his dad calling him.

"Yes, Dad?"

"Could you go check on Noah? Dinner's just about ready. It's time to celebrate."

"Okay," Luke said turning to leave the kitchen. Noah was still asleep when Luke reached his side. He knelt down in front of him, allowing his hand to reach up, gently brushing locks of hair out of Noah's eyes. As Luke watched Noah sleep he realized that his dad was right about one thing. He did know how he felt about Noah, and he did know what he needed to do. His dad trusted Noah implicitly, and that in of itself meant a lot. There were many people his dad never trusted completely…but it was clear that Luke's best friend was not on that list.

As his fingers continued to stroke Noah's hair, he made an important decision. He was going to try really hard to trust himself and his instincts. He wanted to believe that Noah would be there each and every time to catch him when he fell…he never wanted Noah away from him for too long. If he could believe his dad, and believe Noah there was no reason why he couldn't trust himself as well. That was the point…right?

A soft moan emitted from Noah's lips as those blue eyes fluttered open. Luke's breath caught as he watched Noah stir and turn that gaze directly on him. When Noah smiled Luke thought his heart would beat through his chest. It was a beautiful smile, and Luke realized this moment how much he liked seeing it.

"Hey you," Noah said still a little groggy from sleep.

"Hey," Luke responded softly, a genuine smile crossing his features. "Dinner's ready."


	20. Chapter 20

Noah was reluctant to let Luke help him into his wheelchair, but his best friend wouldn't take no for an answer. He sighed and allowed Luke to lift him up slowly to guide him into the waiting seat. Once Noah was situated he put his hands on the wheels and maneuvered his way into the kitchen, with Luke close behind.

"I was just about to send a search party," Holden teased as the boys appeared. Noah wheeled himself over to the table and Luke helped his dad serve the food. "Are you feeling any better, Noah?"

"Yes, sir the nap helped a little bit. I'm more worried about Luke than myself."

"Don't worry about me, Noah," Luke said settling down beside him. "I'm feeling better. I just feel bad that the computer broke and you got hurt. I'm sorry."

Noah groaned. "The computer ugh." He shook his head and focused on his food for a minute before meeting his best friend's gaze again. "Don't worry about that, Luke. Computers are replaceable…but you, you're one of a kind and you'll always win out in my book."

The bashful smile that crossed Luke's lips was enough to let Noah know he had said the right thing. He meant what he said; every word, but he was certain Luke didn't realize that quite yet. He was confident though that Luke was okay and he figured that he could leave the Adam talk for another day. Tonight, as Holden had said, was for celebrating and there had already been enough drama for a lifetime. He focused on the positive as Holden placed a plate in front of him, and settled down in his chair at the head of the table. Noah chanced a look at Luke's dad and was pleased to see that for once the man didn't look stressed or tired. It was indeed a time for celebrating.

Dinner was nice and the conversation was light and tension free. Luke spoke more than he had in all the time Noah had known him. Noah felt like he was getting a glimpse at the boy Holden and Lily had told him so much about. He just seemed so relaxed and comfortable in his own skin. Noah wondered what Luke and Holden had talked about…something specific had put Luke in a better mood. He decided to save that question for another time too. Luke was getting better, and that was the important thing…it was the only important thing.

"Dad you went out today, can you tell me what the base is like?" Luke's voice drew Noah's attention. "Noah did you live here for a long time? Is it nice outside? Does it look a lot like fall? Is everything decorated for Halloween?"

Holden chuckled and Noah just smiled. It was nice to see Luke so full of questions. "One question at a time," Holden teased playfully. "Georgia is a nice looking state from what I have seen, Luke. The base is fairly spacious, but I am sure Noah can tell you more about that. I was thinking maybe we could take a road trip if you'd be up to it?"

"You mean actually leave the house?" Luke asked as if it were the most scandalous thing in the world. Noah realized that for him, it probably was. Ever since they arrived in Georgia Luke remained indoors. There really was no reason for him to venture out, and Noah was well aware of the fact that doing so scared his best friend to death.

"It's something to think about," Holden said, his expression thoughtful. "I know you don't like going outside, but you aren't going to overcome that fear by staying inside all the time."

"It's not really going outside that upsets me," Luke countered. He frowned and locked eyes with Noah. A silent communication flowed between them which ended with Noah nodding his head, and Luke lowering his sadly.

"People scare him," Noah explained to Holden who was now focusing on Luke. "Though I'm sure he'd be okay if it was just a few people, right Luke?"

"Where would we go?" Luke asked cautiously.

"I don't know," Noah looked to Holden with a frown. "Do you have an idea in mind sir?"

"As a matter of fact I did." Holden's smile was bright and mischievous and Noah wondered what he was up to. He couldn't recall ever seeing that look in the man's eye. "I figured we could drive up to Providence Canyon State Park for the day," he suggested finally and Noah couldn't help but smile at the suggestion. "Maybe we could have a picnic lunch and just enjoy the scenery. It may be our last chance before the weather gets bad."

He waited patiently for Luke to think about it. He wanted to go, and when he was better he had planned to show that particular place to Luke, but he wouldn't say yes, wouldn't dare to agree with Holden until he knew his best friend wanted to go. He would not influence Luke's choices. Holden was asking for a lot here, and only Luke could decide if he was ready for such a step.

It seemed like an eternity passed in that few minutes. No one spoke, and all eyes were on Luke who was aimlessly twirling pasta on his plate. Noah was about ready to tell Luke it was okay if he didn't want to go, but before he had a chance his best friend met his gaze and placed his fork down on the table.

"I can give it a try."

"Are you sure," Noah prodded gently. He hoped he was doing a good job at masking his surprise.

"Yes," Luke's voice was full of a confidence Noah hadn't heard in his voice before. Noah could see that even Holden was pleasantly surprised by his son's reaction. "I'm never going to get better if I just sit around here scared," Luke explained. "I…I think I can do this with you and my dad there with me. There isn't any sand at this park is there?"

"No sand," Noah said softly, a smile alighting his lips. "I think you'll like it though, it was one of my favorite spots when I lived here." In truth it was the one place he felt he could have some semblance of peace…his safe place. If not for his current state he would have enjoyed taking Luke there…just the two of them. But that wasn't likely to happen for a while."

"All right then, it's settled," Holden stated as he stood from the table. "I'll make the arrangements and tomorrow we'll start planning the picnic lunch. In the meantime though, maybe you boys need to get out, at least for a walk. I know you have to be tired of being cooped up in here."

"I don't know Dad."

"Think about it okay?"

"Yes sir." Holden smiled at his son and gave his shoulder a squeeze. He cleared the plates off the table and took them to the sink while Luke fiddled with his glass. Noah rolled his chair closer to Luke and placed a hand on his wrist. He waited until Luke's green flecked eyes were on him and offered a concerned smile.

"We don't have to do anything you don't want to do, Luke."

"Do you want to revisit your old home?" Luke asked seriously.

It was a loaded question, and Noah realized he didn't really have an answer for it. In all honesty, a part of him would be perfectly satisfied if Luke never wanted to leave their home for the majority of their stay. That of course was selfish and it wouldn't help his friend out at all. Luke needed to learn that the outside world wasn't so scary, that people weren't all bad. It was a lesson that Noah realized he needed to learn himself. If he wanted Luke to face his demons then, it was time for him to face his.

"I need to, I'm just not ready yet" he said, his expression honest as he focused on the brown eyes flecked with green. "My story is here, Luke. A lot of what happened to me happened here, before Missouri…before I was able to-"

"Escape?" Luke's voice was soft as he completed Noah's thought. Noah was dumbstruck, though he wasn't sure why his best friend's response surprised him so much. If anyone understood what he was saying, it was Luke. Luke did get it.

"Yeah, before that."

"So, you came to a place that holds bad memories for you all so you could keep me safe?" Luke asked carefully. Noah could tell he was thinking about it, weighing the words in his lead on a scale, trying to come up with a measurement that made some semblance of sense. "You must really care about me a lot then, right?"

It was a startling question, simplistic at best, but the answer was more complicated then Noah was ready to reveal. This was not the time for him to pour out his heart desires. It was not the moment he often thought of these days; that single moment in time when he could finally give his heart to this man…that couldn't happen yet. Luke wasn't ready. Though one would argue that the knowledge could help…because if he loved him now and then loved him when he was whole then…"

"Noah, did I ask the wrong question?" Luke's voice broke his thought process and he kicked himself for allowing himself to daydream when Luke was trying to be serious.

"It wasn't the wrong question," He responded quickly, his hand reaching out to take a hold of Luke's. "It's just…not an easy one to answer."

"Well…you either care about me or you don't?" Luke said thoughtfully. "I mean it can't be that hard. Wouldn't the hesitation mean that you don't care at all? And you don't want to hurt my feelings so you are trying to…trying to find the best way to say it."

Luke's brow was furrowed and Noah wanted to reach up and wipe away the creases in that beautiful forehead. He didn't want worry or sadness for Luke. He wanted him to be whole, he wanted him to be happy and most of all he wanted him to be safe. So many wants; so many things to contemplate. And then there was the simple truth, the one he dared not voice aloud. When it was all said and done, when this mystery was solved, and the tangled web unwoven all Noah wanted was Luke.

"I do care," he said penetrating the silence that had settled between them. Luke's dark eyes were full of emotions that didn't have names. Noah was sure there was more feeling there then had been present in a very long time. He had to choose his words carefully, like placing dominos so they wouldn't fall. One false word and the wrong emotion would be unleashed…the dominos would fall. "I care so much, that sometimes it scares me. And what frightens me even more is that I realize that I need you."

"I don't think I understand."

"I don't quite get it myself actually," Noah admitted. "I just know that these past few months, have been just as much about my survival as it has been about yours"

"Noah…."

"Wait…I have to say this" he cut his best friend off and pleaded with his eyes to let him continue. Luke nodded and Noah released the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. "I have this fear that when you find your way back you aren't going to need me anymore. And that scares me, because I don't think I can stop needing you."

"You boys about done?" Holden's voice sounded loud in the quiet, and Noah looked at him wondering how much of that he had overheard. Holden's eyes told many tales, but there was nothing that indicated that he had overheard Noah's confession. He just stood there, waiting for an answer to his question.

"We're finished, Dad," Luke responded, handing his dad the last empty dish. "Noah wants us to go outside for a walk, and I think I'm ready to try. Would that be okay Dad?"

Noah noticed the subtle raise of Holden's eyebrows. He took note of the worried frown that crossed his lips, and the hesitance that was in his step. As much as Holden Snyder liked the idea of his son wanting to go outside, he was still going to worry about him. Noah loved that about Holden…he wished his own father had been that thoughtful.

"Just get back before it gets too late okay?"

"Okay, Dad." Luke stood and pulled Noah's chair away from the table before Noah had a chance to touch the wheels. He grabbed light jackets for them and draped Noah's around his shoulders before heading to the front door.

Noah could sense the exact moment that Luke's confidence disappeared. They stalled once he opened the door, and he just stood there staring out into the early evening sky. The sun was starting to set, and there were glimpses of gold and orange clouds in the sky. To Noah it was beautiful…but to Luke it was terrifying.

"Luke, it's just us…just you and me," Noah said, his hands on the wheels of his chair as he moved forward. He rolled outside, going down the ramp slowly before turning around to face his best friend. "We're going to go for a walk, so we can finish talking. Its okay, see, I'm okay." He reached out his hand. "Come with me."

Luke took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, willing his feet to move forward. He reached out his hand and Noah rolled to the edge of the ramp and waited until Luke was close enough to grasp his hand. "You did good," Noah praised. Holden appeared in the doorway, but Luke didn't see him. Noah smiled and squeezed Luke's hand. "Walk with me."

They were silent as they walked, and Noah wasn't sure if he liked it. It was almost too quiet, as if their conversation was weighing heavily on both of their minds. There was a lot of fear in the air, and Noah wasn't sure if he could tackle it. What if Luke was trying to figure out the best way to let him down easily? Maybe he should have kept his mouth shut…no good ever came from him voicing his feelings. He should have known better…he should have…

"I'm afraid, Noah."

Luke's words jarred him out of his thoughts and he stopped the motion of his chair and looked at his best friend. "Do you want to go back to the house?"

Luke shook his head. "I'm afraid you won't like me," he clarified. "I'm afraid that once I get better you won't like the real me…who I was. And that scares me because…I don't think I can stop either."

"Stop what," Noah asked even though he was sure he knew what Luke meant.

"I don't think I can stop needing you. And…I think…no, I know I want you to need me too. I don't understand that, not really, but I know it's the truth."

Noah faced forward, his hands idly moving the chair back and forth as he let that sink in. Luke felt the same way he felt…again that shouldn't have surprised him as much as it did. Luke was just as scared as he was. The future was uncertain and it was evident that neither of them really knew what was going to happen next.

"I'm sorry I really don't know what to say to that," Noah said quietly as they walked on. "I appreciate it…I just, I guess I'm not…I'm not making much sense am I?"

"Not really," Luke said smiling as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. Noah was certain that his best friend had no idea how infectious that grin was. They fell silent for a time, each of them lost in thoughts of their conversation. They both watched the soldiers, most in fatigues but a few in dress uniforms, walking along in groups of two or three, sometimes more. "Wow, there are a lot of guys our age here. Did you hang out with the soldiers a lot when you were here before?" Luke's voice was invading the fog, as if he knew that they needed to change the subject. The topic was heavy, almost too much for either of them to take all at once. It was time for a change…he welcomed it, needed it.

"I didn't have many friends," he responded as they continued down the street. "How come?"

"I was…embarrassed," he confessed after a moment's thought. "I didn't want to bring people around my dad…I didn't want them to see…I didn't want them to know…"

He trailed off as Luke stopped in front of a basketball court. He watched as Luke became enthralled in the game, his hands splayed out on the gate as if the sight of boys shooting hoops was the most fascinating thing he had ever seen. Noah had a feeling that for Luke that was exactly the case.

The boys were shirtless, and it seemed to Noah that they had been playing for a long time. Sweat glistened off their backs as they pushed and shoved each other fighting for control of the ball.

"Hey you pussy, I bet you can't make the shot," one of the guys yelled. The voice caught Noah's attention and he looked up to make sure the guy wasn't talking to Luke. As it turned out the guy wasn't paying attention to Luke at all. He was throwing the ball to his friend, who started dribbling the ball down the court.

"Shut up you little fag, of Course I can make the shot," the guy with the ball said as he threw the ball into the air and it went into the basket. The boy started dancing around in celebratory style before he was shoved by the other guy.

"You are such a queen."

"Takes one to know one you queer," The other boy taunted. They laughed and continued to shove each other as Noah and Luke watched. Noah's hands were balled into fists as he listened to the taunts. The words weren't directed at him or Luke, but he could hear them and he was so sick of them and guys like them who thought it was okay to spout such hateful words.

"Jerks," he yelled just loud enough, even though he was sure the guys didn't hear him. Luke did, he quickly came over to the chair, but Noah was glaring at the guys who were completely wrapped up in their games spouting venom tauntingly at each other. "Just shut up, just stop it."

"I'm going to whoop your gay ass," one of the boys shouted and Noah felt a hand on his shoulder preventing him from moving.

"Noah," Luke's concerned voice met his ears and he tried to calm down. "Are you okay?" Luke looked so worried, and that alone helped still Noah's heart. He nodded his head, and soon felt himself being pulled away from the court. His chair was turned around and Luke pushed him back towards the base, and their home.

They found a note from Holden when they returned. Noah was actually relieved that Luke's dad wasn't there, he wanted to explain his behavior to Luke, and he hoped they didn't have to mention it to Holden at all. There had been silence during their walk back, and Noah wasn't sure what Luke thought of his outburst. He hoped against hope that he hadn't upset his friend. He was proud of Luke though, those guys didn't bother him…the words they spouted seemed to roll off of Luke's back; that fascinated Noah.

"Do you want to sit on the couch or stay in the chair," Luke asked once more drawing Noah out of his thoughts. He was good at that; then Luke was good at a lot of things.

"I'll stay in the chair Luke, at least for a little bit. Can we talk?"

"Okay," Luke said taking a seat on the couch. Noah rolled the chair over and Luke looked at him patiently waiting for him to start.

"I…I wanted to apologize," Noah said lowering his head for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts. "I don't know what came over me…I'm just sorry," He said looking up to find Luke looking at him. There was nothing but concern in that gaze and it put Noah at ease.

"I think you know what came over you," Luke countered thoughtfully. "The words hurt."

Such a simple statement, and it held a whole lot of truth. Noah was rendered speechless, but he quickly recovered. Luke was right; those words had hurt him, even if they shouldn't have. But Luke, he had been so calm and he wanted that…he wanted to know how to be okay.

"You weren't affected," he pointed out as he focused on his friend. "The words didn't hurt you?"

"They're just words, Noah."

The simplest of statements, yet again; though it was Luke's voice that conveyed the power behind them. He didn't know what to say to that, and he felt grateful that Luke wasn't expecting him to."

"If this past year has taught me anything, Noah, it's that words are far gentler than some of the things I endured while I was away. Words can't burn you, or cut you or leave scars. They hurt, but it's like a sting that goes away after the words disappear after a time. But what they did to me…what they took from me…that hurt more than any words could."

Luke's honesty stunned Noah into silence. A minute passed before he was able to ask the question on the tip of his tongue. "What did they take from you?"

Luke looked toward the sky and then closed his eyes before he could continue speaking. "They took me. I used to be this strong confident guy. I didn't have all the answers, and for a long time I wasn't willing to admit that I was gay, but I was confident in who I was. I was me. And they took that from me, Noah. They took my confidence and left this broken mess."

"I think you're very brave," Noah admitted softly. He reached out his hand to take a hold of Luke's and squeezed it encouragingly.

"I don't feel so brave."

"You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, Luke. You had to be to endure all you went through."

"I almost died, Noah."

"So did I." The words were out of his mouth before he could think about them, and he knew they would throw his best friend for a loop. Luke's eyes seemed to darken and widen at the same time, and his lips were curved just right, and he didn't even need to speak the word Noah knew was on his lips. "Do you want me to explain?"

Luke nodded slightly, not taking his eyes off of Noah for even a second. Noah could sense the concentration and he squeezed Luke's hand again, as much for himself as for Luke's benefit. He needed that contact it was solid…it was real. His best friend didn't know it, but right at this second he was the lifeline that was keeping Noah grounded. Things were about to get just a little more complicated.

"It happened right before we moved to Fort Leonard Wood, and sometimes I wonder if that move was triggered by it." He chewed on his bottom lip and averted his gaze. He was about to get lost in a memory and he didn't think he could do it if he was looking into Luke's eyes. "This isn't home. Until your parents took me in I didn't even know what having a home meant. This was just a place we had to be for however long we needed to be here. I was never accepted, and never really wanted. I knew I was different, Luke. I knew I wasn't like other guys and it drove my father crazy. He used words to hurt me a lot. His words hurt and I've never gotten over that. He would say things and then I would hear others say them, and they just became too much. I really started to think I was all those hateful words until I met Sammy."

"Who's he?" Luke asked curiously.

"The son of one of my father's army buddies," Noah explained. "He was older than me, by a couple of years and for some reason he wanted to be nice to me. He taught me how to be okay with who I was, and he helped me to realize that it was okay to be gay."

"Then why do the words scare you so much, Noah?"

"Sammy was my Adam." Noah said pointedly as he made himself look at Luke. He could see the wonder in Luke's eyes as he thought about what he had just heard. Yeah," he said when dawning was clear on Luke's face. "He betrayed me."

"What happened?"

"His father caught us kissing in Sammy's bedroom…just after my fifteenth birthday. Sammy pushed me away and called me those names. He told me to get away from him and then told his dad that I had come on to him. Sammy's father told my dad, and I got a verbal beating when we got back to our barracks. He didn't hit me; he never did that because he didn't want questions. But I think I was called every name in the book that night, and then he told me I was never to see Sammy again and I was never to partake in such activities ever again. It was right after that that we moved to Missouri."

"You're leaving something out," Luke said after a pause. "What else happened, Noah?"

"I don't think…" 

"Tell me."

Noah sighed and swallowed to wet his throat. "I slit my wrists," he explained even as he removed his watch to show Luke the thin line that was the scar of his shame. "I just didn't want to be someplace where even my own father hated me. I just wanted it to be over, Luke, and I thought this was the best way to do it."

"But you're here," Luke said matter-of-factly, "I'm glad you didn't die."

Noah managed a sad smile and nodded. "Me too," he affirmed softly.

"What happened?"

"I realized killing myself would just mean that my dad had won, and that all the things he was saying about me were true."

"Your father doesn't sound like a nice guy," Luke frowned and wrinkled his nose. "You can share my dad if you want, he likes you a lot."

"Thanks Luke," Noah chuckled. He moved his chair so he was directly in front of Luke and leaned forward to give him a hug. Luke wrapped his arms gently around Noah's back and held on for a long moment before sitting back.

"Tell me," he commanded, his eyes letting Noah know that it was okay.

"I passed out, and I saw my mom in a dream," He explained. "She was standing in this white light holding her hand out for me. When I came to her, she wrapped cloth around my wrists and told me she loved me too much to let me die. She told me it wasn't my time yet, and that one day I was going to do great things. And she said she was proud of me, and she wanted me to continue being me. Before I could say anything she disappeared, and the next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital with Sgt. McClaine by my bedside. I've never told anyone this before, but I firmly believe my mom saved me that night, and somehow got Sgt McClaine to come up to my room."

"Does your father know?"

Noah shook his head. No one but you and the Sergeant know that it was actually a suicide attempt. My father thinks I was just being careless with knives, and just a few weeks after that he was transferred to Fort Leonard Wood, and I was there until I came to Oakdale this summer."

"And the last three years?"

Noah pursed his lips as he looked at his best friend. He had come this far in the explanation; he didn't suppose that Luke would let him off the hook now. The essential truth was that the past three years had been hard. He couldn't wait to get out of Fort Leonard Wood. And if not for the Community Theater he worked at and other side jobs he was certain he would have lost his mind.

"My father was in the field a lot, so for the most part I took care of myself," he explained after a moment. "It was no picnic when he was here; he was always yelling, screaming and telling me what a screw up I was. The Army was going to set me straight. I can't even begin to tell you how often I was threatened with Military school. I found my escape though in old movies and Community Theater, not to mention the occasional comic book. I was a good student so he couldn't complain about that, and I just accepted the fact that I was never going to have his approval. I couldn't wait to get out of here. I graduated from High School and the next day I left…and I haven't seen my father since."

"I'm glad you came to Oakdale."

Noah leaned forward, placing a hand on Luke's chin and guided their lips together for a soft kiss. "Me too," he whispered. "I definitely made the right choice."

They were still talking when Holden returned. Noah felt a little better after sharing his secrets with Luke. He felt that they had grown just a little closer in those few hours, and that on some level they had gained a better understanding of each other. Luke was silent when they retired to their bedroom. Noah knew he was thinking still about all he had heard. He had expected this reaction. During the story Luke seemed almost detached, as if he were hearing a tale being woven by a mystical storyteller and on some level Noah realized that Luke hadn't fully let the reality of what he was told sink in.

He knew the moment was coming when Luke climbed in to bed beside him. He carefully positioned himself so that he wouldn't hurt Noah, but could still feel the comfort of his comforting embrace. Noah had insisted that Luke could cuddle with him if he needed to, as long as he was careful. Noah's hand idly stroked Luke's face, watching as those expressive eyes blinked, and Luke bit his trembling lip. Noah felt Luke's body brush against him and he gently tugged to give Luke better access. Luke grabbed a hold of Noah, and clung to him as if his life depended on it. Noah felt like he was watching a volcano that was just about to erupt.

"Oh my god," Luke said, his eyes moist with emotion as he looked closely at Noah. "You…you almost died. Oh my god Noah…"

"Shhh, Luke I'm okay. I'm here."

"You must have been so lonely," Luke sniffled. "It's just horrible what your father did, I'm sorry I made you tell the story. Will you forgive me?"

Noah wiped away Luke's tears, and moved slightly so their foreheads could touch. "You have nothing to be sorry for, and I will forgive you anything if it means I get to talk to you any given time of the day. I needed today Luke, so please don't apologize for being curious. I'm glad you are, and I appreciate it. It makes me feel like you care about me and my feelings. I need that."

Luke beamed at the praise and wrapped his arms around Noah, making sure not to squeeze too tightly as he hugged him. "Is this a bad position for you, Noah?" he asked when they pulled out of their embrace.

"Actually I kinda like it," Noah said shifting slightly to make himself comfortable. He was good as long as he stayed at a 45 degree angle, and he liked having Luke close.

"I didn't even let it register at first," Luke said as he settled back into his position. "I heard your words, and I knew it was awful but my god, you're so brave."

"Not brave, Luke. Just stupid."

"No," Luke said adamantly. "You were very strong and I think you know that. I think…I think your mom knew too…that's why she appeared to you like that. She didn't want you to give up. Please promise me you won't give up, Noah."

"I won't if you won't."

He watched Luke weigh those words briefly before nodding his head. Luke hugged Noah close and surprised him with a kiss on the nose. Noah smiled satisfied with the exchange and the outcome of the day's events. "Good night, Luke," he whispered as his best friend's eyes fluttered closed He shifted once more, allowing his arm to drape around Luke as he buried his head into the soft pillow, allowing sleep to take him as well.


	21. Chapter 21

_October 25, 2007_

_It has been a few days since I have been able to write in this journal, but I wanted to catch up while Noah is taking a nap. It has been very busy here, and I have a lot to say. Hopefully my words will make some semblance of sense this time. Noah seems to think that I am getting better and I think I will take his word for that. He has never had a reason to lie to me, and he proved that he trusted me when he told me about his suicide attempt._

_I felt really sad for him when I heard about that, and I didn't even let it register at first. The thought of a world without Noah is just too much to even fathom. Noah's reaction to the kids playing basketball was scary too. I think that if he could have he would have gotten out of the chair and fought those guys. IT would have been his way of fighting the prejudice, and the horrible words…he wasn't able to do that with his father. His father just said things, and assaulted him with them; I really think he was brave to have gone through it. Noah is a lot stronger than he gives himself credit for, I guess he is more like me than I originally thought. I mean our situations are nowhere near similar but in a lot of ways they are exactly the same. It's crazy when you think about it that way. Both of us were struggling for acceptance in our lives, and neither of us felt like we were getting it. I at least had it a little easier…or so I thought. I wonder if my biological father hates me as much as Noah's dad seems to hate him. Is hate too strong of a word? Damian used to say all the time that he loves me and he wants what's best for me. I don't think I believe him anymore, just like I know Noah doesn't believe his dad, who I bet told him the same thing._

_I got off topic there, but it was still kind of relevant. I'm glad that Noah is alive, I'm glad that he moved to Oakdale and I'm glad that I got to meet him. He has truly been my life saver and if I am reading the signals right I think I mean a lot to him too. That just seems so strange and scary to me sometimes. And I know I use the word scary a lot…it's the only way I can think to explain just what I am feeling all the time. There is an obscene amount of fear and most of it is centered around my heart. I don't want to get hurt, and I feel like if I let my guard down too far that is exactly what is going to happen. The other side of that is that I don't truly think that Noah would hurt me. It's so confusing, and I wish there was someone I could talk to about it. I could probably talk to Noah, but for some reason that scares me too. I don't know how he would react. I don't know if he would think I was reading into things or if I am indeed doing just that. I think I am at least at a place where I realize that my feelings are okay. It is okay for me to be gay…and I'm good with that. I will tell my dad, and maybe it will be just like last time, and we can have a do over. He's the only parent I know for certain loves me, and I lost a year with him. I can't bear to lose any more time. _

Luke stopped his train of thought and looked over at his sleeping best friend. It was just early evening, but the day's events had been draining for Noah, so Holden and Luke had insisted that he rest in bed, and Luke was keeping him company while Holden made dinner. Luke was happy to see that Noah seemed to be sleeping contentedly and he turned his attention back to his journal entry.

_I wonder sometimes when Noah tells me I am getting better how he really knows that? What I mean is that how would Noah know what better is for me when he didn't know me before I came back from being away. I just reread that sentence and I don't think it makes sense, but it's the only way to describe what I am feeling. It's like being told you look like someone only to find out that the person has never seen your supposed lookalike. Does that make sense? I don't know I'll try to explain it better._

_I'm just really worried about being okay, and what that will mean for me and Noah. He sees me one way, but I know I am drastically different from the way I was before last year. What if Noah doesn't like that me? What if I have to try hard to be who Noah likes because if I don't, and If I become the old me then Noah won't like me anymore. I'm making molehills into mountains I guess but…I can't help it. What if the person I was is horrible to him. He says that nothing will change how he feels but does he really know that? It's easy to say, but theory doesn't always work in practice right? I'm not even sure my parents liked the old me. I mean…if they did then why am I this messed up in the first place? Why was I sent away because I like boys?_

IT was a question he often asked himself, but he never voiced it out loud. Looking at it now he frowned and fought the urge to cross it all out. He took great care in not destroying the book that Noah so lovingly gave him. This was a place for reflection, and even if it seemed wrong once he said it, these were his thoughts…his feelings and he couldn't be afraid of them.

_I think the hardest thing will be somehow dealing with my mother and Damian. Noah and Dad don't talk about it much, but I know it has to be weighing heavily on their minds. I think about my parents a lot, but I don't say anything, especially to Noah because I don't want him to worry about me._

_At some point they will find us, and I only hope that when they do I'll be ready to tell them to go away. I just don't understand the why. Why does it seem like the only people who put me first are the ones I don't share biology with?_

_I know I veered off course again. Noah says it's because I have a lot to say and my brain is working overtime. I think Noah knows my brain better than I do sometimes. Right now I'm wondering about that old saying; you know, blood is thicker than water. I think there must be exceptions; either that or Noah and I both have strange parents._

_Noah is starting to wake up so I'm going to put this away. I will be back, and I'll stay on track next time._

_October 27, 2007(almost midnight)_

_Dinner was nice. Dad made real mashed potatoes and meat loaf. There was spinach too but I didn't really feel like eating any, so I let Noah have it. He needs to keep up his strength anyway if he's going to get better. I really want him to be able to walk again. I can tell that he is really uncomfortable in the wheelchair and he hates relying on others to do things for him. Personally I like waiting on him hand and foot, but I selfishly miss him doing things for me too. I know that's probably wrong, and I will never tell him that…though that's silly since he'll read it in here._

_Anyway, Noah misses his legs and I can't say that I blame him. I think back to when I was in the hospital and I was pretty much confined to a bed. I couldn't do anything for myself, and while the reasons were considerably different the end result was the same. I was a little stir crazy and Noah is too even if he tries to grin and bear it. I hope his ribs heal completely too. I still can't believe he got hit with that car. I wish I knew why he was running from Aaron, but I guess I will never find out. Maybe I should ask him?_

_I guess it's really not important in the long scheme of things. What is important is that he is going to be okay, and soon he will be able to walk again and do all the things he was doing before. I want that for him just as much as he does. I want him to feel like himself so that he won't be scared of things that I know he's scared of. Yeah, I know that doesn't make sense but it does to me. I could probably explain it to Noah if he asked. I just get the feeling that there are things that Noah needs to do here…like there is more to the reason why we're in Georgia than just because Noah wanted to protect me. I think he came here to deal with some of his own personal demons. Maybe, just maybe I can help him out with that like he's helping me. I know I would like to, and I hope I can. He said I was a big help to him last time…and he said he couldn't bear to lose me. But were they just words or did he mean them? Do I really mean that much to him? I feel so bad for doubting him, but I think he understands that I doubt everything right about now. It is a wonder sometimes that I remember who I am. And to be honest I'm not really sure who Luke Snyder is anymore. _

_Is that sad? Shouldn't I know me? And if I don't then how do I find out who that person was? And in finding out who he is, who Luke is will I somehow have to become that person again? Or maybe, just maybe the idea is for me to recreate myself and…I'm not making sense again._

Luke sighed and read over the entry, wishing he could wake Noah up to talk to him. He had many thoughts running through his brain at the moment, and he needed to talk them out. But Noah was sleeping and he needed his rest. It didn't matter at this point that his best friend would wake up if he needed him to, Luke was determined that Noah would get the sleep he needed. With his mind made up he slipped out of bed and placed his journal on the table. He took one last glance at Noah, fixing his blanket and making sure he was comfortable before leaving his side.

He was glad to see that his Dad's door wasn't locked and he peeked in like a little kid who was afraid of waking his parents. The light from the hall hit the bed, and he could see clearly that his dad was sleeping. A frown alighted his lips as he wondered if this was a good idea or not. Should he wait until the morning? Should he just go back to Noah and ask him? He could remember going to his dad many times in the middle of the night when he was younger…and there had been many times over the past year that he wanted to do just that…

He closed his eyes willing the bad thoughts to disappear as he pushed forward. He wanted to cry out when his foot made contact with something sharp and he fell to his knees no longer able to walk on it. He crawled over to the bed and stood as straight as he could on his knees, his hand reaching out to shake his dad awake.

"Wake up, Dad. Please, wake up." He didn't realize he was crying until he felt the tears on his cheeks. His foot hurt and he suddenly felt like he was five.

Holden turned towards the voice and opened his eyes, his features already showing his concern. His sleepy mind saw a young boy with tear tracks on his cheeks, his brown eyes stricken with pain and a little fear. "Luke?" he said reaching out to touch the boy's shoulder. "What's wrong? Why are you so sad Buddy?"

"Because Noah's asleep and I came in here to talk to you, and I hurt my foot…I'm sorry Dad."

"Sorry for what," Holden asked as he became more coherent. He was speaking to Luke, but his son was far from a little kid, despite his current state of distress.

"For not being strong enough to stop crying."

Holden sat up in bed and pulled his son up off the floor. Once he had Luke settled on the bed he examined his injured foot and left Luke's side to get a first aid kit. "It's a splinter," he explained as he sterilized a needle. "It's in there pretty deep so I'm going to need this to get it out, okay? It's only going to hurt for a minute."

"Do you have to?" Luke asked wiping his stray tears away as he eyed the needle skeptically.

"If we don't it could get infected…and your foot will fall off," Holden teased remembering the time he had to get a splinter out of Luke's hand when he was younger.

Luke's eyes widened just as he expected them to, and Holden used that moment of surprise to swiftly but effectively remove the splinter and cover the wound with antiseptic and a bandage. "That stings," Luke remarked as Holden patted his foot dry. "But at least I will be able to keep my foot."

"Yes you will," Holden laughed. "Now do you feel better?"

"My foot feels better, but I'm still super confused…are you sure it's okay that I woke you up?"

Holden nodded and squeezed his son's shoulder. "Its fine, Luke. Do you remember what we used to do after I fixed your booboos?"

"We had hot chocolate," Luke said a smile crossing his lips for the first time since he entered the room.

"Are you up for it?" Holden said allowing himself to smile.

Luke nodded and let his father pull him to his feet. He leaned on his dad as they headed for the kitchen and he sat at the table patiently while the proffered chocolate was prepared.

While he waited he wondered what he wanted to talk about most. He had a lot on his mind, and he was eager to talk to get his dad's opinion on it all. He just wasn't sure what to say or how to start. It had never been this hard to talk to his father before. He really did miss him.

"There you go," Holden's voice pulled him out of his thoughts. "Extra marshmallows just how you like it."

"Thanks Dad." Luke looked down at the floating marshmallows poking them with his spoon while Holden slid into the seat across from him. When he was younger he had been fascinated with how the little white puffs floated on the surface, and no matter how many times you poked them they just came back up. Once he had scalded his finger in a misguided attempt to drown one of the marshmallows.

"So are you going to tell me what's on your mind?" Holden asked once again pulling Luke out of his reverie. He looked up and immediately felt comfort in gentle blue eyes. He remembered in this moment why he had always found it easy to talk to his father, even when they were at odds with each other. He could do this…he just had to start somewhere.

"There's something I need to tell you, Dad," he said tracing the rim of his mug with his fingers. "I'm just not sure how to say it or if I should. And I don't want you to think I'm silly or anything like that."

"You know you can tell me anything, Luke."

"I know…and I never thank you for that enough." Luke frowned. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Holden asked taking a sip from his mug.

"For a lot of things," Luke said thoughtfully. "I haven't made things very easy for you since I came home…and I didn't trust you. I'm sorry I didn't, Dad…I just…it hurt a lot."

"I'm sure you felt betrayed," Holden acknowledged. "And you felt like there was no one in your corner."

"Yes…which is why I gravitated to Noah so quickly. He believed me; I needed someone to believe me."

"I believe you too, Luke."

"I know that now," Luke said softly. "I just want to make up for last year…I didn't mean to push mom down the stairs."

"It was an accident, Luke. I don't blame you for that."

"He said that you did. He told me you wanted to send me away because I hurt mom."

"He told me you wanted to go to rehab," Holden pointed out. "Was there another drinking episode I was not aware of?"

Luke shook his head and focused once more on his cooling chocolate. "After the DUI I just wanted to be the son you could be proud of. I'm sorry I messed up so much, and I didn't want to do it anymore. And then Mom fell down the stairs…but I didn't mean for that to happen either, Dad. I just didn't want her to send me away. And then you said you wanted me to go and I saw the paper with your signature and I just…I thought you didn't love me anymore."

Holden's expression was grim and he didn't know how to respond to his sons' confession. He knew what he wanted to say; he had all the words waiting on the tip of his tongue. But he didn't think any of them were appropriate…not at this very second. His son needed a platform; he needed to talk and that was what Holden needed to give him. They could deal with the other stuff later…they could talk about the consequences tomorrow…tonight was about Luke and what he needed to say.

Luke took a long drink of his chocolate and licked his lips as he placed the mug on the table. He loved the way his father made hot chocolate. He had missed the conversation that came along with the chocolate as well. It felt nice…right to be back in this place with a man he respected more than anything else.

"I'm starting to understand the truth of that," Luke said his fingers once again tracing the rim of his mug. "There are so many webs," he whispered remembering the way Noah had explained it to him once. "IT's like a spider has been working behind the scenes waving a puzzle that has so many twists and turns, and so many lies. How do we even begin to find the truth?"

"We start the easy way."

"I don't think I know what that means, Dad."

"Sure you do," Holden encouraged. "The answer's right in front of you, Luke you just have to grasp it."

"Can you help me, Dad? I don't think I know how."

"Start by telling me your truth."

"I'm gay," Luke said as the light bulb went off in his head. A small smile crossed his lips but it was gone in an instant as his fear overtook him. HE swallowed and attempted to speak again. "I'm gay and I'm okay with that. I like who I am…I want to be me and I want you to love that I am me."

"I love you, Luke. I love all of you. You are my son and I wouldn't change that for anything."

"Even if I don't even know who I am anymore?" Luke asked curiously. "I mean…I can remember what our relationship was like when I was younger. I know you have always been there for me, and you were my biggest supporter when I came out last year, before things went wrong. But I can remember events but I don't recognize the person who lived through them. I feel like I have lost a part of myself and I don't know how to get it back. I feel so lost, Dad and I don't know what to do about it."

Luke was crying again, his silent tears sliding down his face as he looked at his father for the answers he craved. Holden placed a comforting hand on his son's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "First I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself" Holden advised. "There is no judgment here and you aren't on trial or some kind of timeline. I'm not expecting you to be anyone but who you are, Luke, and if it takes awhile for you to find who that is then that's okay. I'll love you regardless."

Luke was positive that Holden could never know how much those words truly meant to him. He was sure he would have to hear them again…many times but the fact of the matter was that he believed him. And that for him was the best progress of all. "Can we have some more hot chocolate?" he asked pushing his now empty mug over to his dad. "I think we're going to need it."

Holden smiled and ruffled his son's hair as he got up to make more chocolate. Luke started talking as soon as Holden returned to his seat. He talked about writing in his journal and trying to figure out how he felt about Lily and Damian. He didn't know if he was ready to see them, even though he knew they would find him at some point. Holden listened for the most part, offering encouragement only when Luke asked a direct question. He liked that Luke was starting to open up to him, even if it still wasn't as much as he talked to Noah.

"When do you think I'll be strong enough?" Luke asked seriously as he finished off his third cup of hot chocolate. Despite the sugar rush Holden could sense that Luke was getting tired, and it wouldn't be too long before he was ready to sleep. "I think I am supposed to help Noah with his stuff too, but I don't really know what it's all about really."

Holden hid a smile as he watched Luke tracing his cup absently. It was already starting, the switching of topics as Luke tried in vain to stay coherent enough to finish a thought. "I think helping Noah is a good idea, son. It will help you to feel important."

"Noah thinks I'm important," Luke yawned and shook his head in an attempt to stay alert. "I really like that you let Noah live with you guys, Dad. He's been such a big help to me."

"I think you're ready for bed, Champ."

"I'm not done talking though," Luke whined, and Holden hid a smile. "I wanted to talk about Noah; I don't know what to do about him."

"What do you mean," Holden asked curiously.

"I don't know," Luke shook his head again, looking down into his empty mug. "I'd be so lost without him, and I don't' want to make him go away. If I become myself again he might leave and I wouldn't want that to happen. I love him so much, and that scares me a lot."

"Luke…"

"I don't know if I'm supposed to but I do, and it's not wrong, Dad. Right…I mean I can be…I think Noah will want to go away and I don't want him to."

"And I think you won't remember any of this tomorrow, Buddy." Holden's expression was sympathetic as he watched his son nod off. He stood and helped his son out of his chair, practically carrying him to the room he shared with Noah.

"Dad," Luke called as Holden placed him in the bed.

"Yes, Bud?"

"Thanks for the chocolate and conversation. I love you."

Holden bent down to place a kiss on his son's forehead. "I love you too son, get some sleep." He ignored the moisture in his eyes as he covered Luke with a blanket and made sure Noah was comfortable as well. He wasn't surprised at all to see Luke scoot over as close to Noah as he could without hurting him. The scene made Holden smile, and it gave him a sense of peace. He had no doubt that his son was going to be okay.


	22. Chapter 22

He frowned as he lifted the curtain, his head leaning against the pane of glass as he watched the rain slither down the glass. He was certain no more than five minutes had passed since the last time he had looked, but as the storm grew worse he grew more anxious. His dad was out there, and Noah…gone to the hospital so that Noah could get his cast off. They had decided that it would be okay to leave Luke at home. It was safe there, and Luke needed to learn to be by himself sometime. Noah called it a test, and it would only help Luke in the long run. He was safe here…and he needed to be aware of that.

Luke wasn't afraid of being by himself. When they left he settled down on the couch with a cup of tea and his journal and started writing. He tinkered a little bit with the new laptop Holden had bought for Noah and watched a couple of videos on YouTube. He had to be surrounded by noise or he figured he would lose his sense of calm. But he was fine…until it started to rain, and every worst-case scenario began to speed through his mind.

He didn't know what he would do if something happened to Noah or his dad for that matter. He knew they wanted him to be alone, but not THAT way. At least he hoped not. He knew he had nothing to worry about. Naturally, his father was a very careful driver and they would be able to make it through the storm. And there could have been a long wait at the hospital…so maybe they were waiting out the storm there.

He sighed and moved away from the window, returning to the couch where his journal lay open. He read over the words he had read earlier and then turned to a fresh page. His pen tapped his lip a few times before he started to write, trying to focus on something other than the raging storm outside.

_November 20, 2007_

_It's storming outside, and I'm worried about Dad and Noah. They left for the hospital hours ago. IT's time for Noah to get his cast off…he's very excited about that and I am happy for him. I don't know what that will mean exactly, but maybe we'll be able to do more things together. He has been telling me more stuff about Georgia lately, and he gets this glint in his eyes whenever he talks about the places he wants to show me. I can admit that I like the idea of being alone with Noah…it's exciting yet frightening all at once. _

_Writing about Noah is supposed to help me be less scared of the storm. But I can't help but think of my dad going off the road and causing a wreck. What if they are hurt and I can't get to them. I wouldn't even know…and I would be all alone. That frightens me more than even begin to describe. When I was a kid I used to go to my dad's room and hide under his blankets. I'd end up sandwiched between him and Mom and I'd duck my head under whenever the thunder roared._

_You know the booming thunder doesn't really sound like a roar but that is what it is called. _Luke stopped writing for a moment as a loud clash of thunder erupted in the sky. The lights flickered in the house and Luke put his book on the table deciding instead to curl up into a ball.

_A sharp knock jarred him out of sleep and he looked around momentarily trying to remember where he was. The rain was falling and there was no sign of his dad or Noah. He frowned and unwrapped his body allowing himself to stand slowly. His heart was beating faster, and the booming thunder made him jump. "Who…who is it?" He asked trying not to sound as scared as he felt._

"_It's the state police. Can you open the door please."_

_The voice sounded a lot like Damian and that confused him. "A state trooper?" He asked warily. "Why are you here?"_

"_Does Luke Snyder live here?"_

"_I…who wants to know."_

"_You are a contact for Mr. Holden Snyder and a Noah Mayer?"_

_Luke swallowed back the scream that threatened to escape his lips and he ran the rest of the way to the door. "What did you do to them?" he asked as he thrust the door open. A trooper stood at the door looking unharmed by the rain falling around him. _

"_There was a wreck," The man said coldly. "Neither man survived. You have to be taken in for questioning, and we have to find where you belong. We contacted a Lily Snyder and she will be coming to pick you up from the police station."_

_Luke was no longer listening to the words. His dad and Noah were gone…struck down by lightening or the rain or a combination of both. It just couldn't be true. He barely registered that the state trooper was taking a hold of him, and only reacted when the cold rain bit into his skin._

"_NO," he said struggling against the strong man. "Let me go, I can't leave here. You can't make me go. Please just leave me alone, let me go. I want my dad. I want Noah. Please they can't be gone."_

"_Luke, it will be alright. Just come with me, and we'll take good care of you," The voice that sounded so much like Damian met his ears and he wanted to scream. He looked up into the dark eyes of his biological father and he struggled even hard. _

"_No, let me go. I want Noah. You can't take me away from Noah." He managed to pull away and ran out into the rain. "Noah," he yelled into the storm, his voice getting carried away by the wind. "Noah, please you can't be gone, please. Noah, I need you. NOAH!" He felt hands on him, and he struggled against them sobbing as he called Noah's name._

"_Luke," a deep voice reached his ear, but still he struggled as hands grasped him. "Luke," the voice spoke again and Luke was surprised to hear gentle concern which confused him all the more. "Luke, please answer me."_

A loud clap of thunder woke him up and he jumped out of the arms that held him only to find himself staring into blue eyes that were almost covered with dripping wet dark hair. His heart swelled and he practically barreled himself into the waiting arms of safety.

"Noah," He exclaimed not caring that his best friend was soaking wet. "You came back; you're home and not dead. I was so scared."

Noah wasn't quite sure what Luke was talking about, but he didn't think it was a good time to ask. His best friend seemed so shaken and all he wanted to do was comfort him. "It's alright, Luke," he soothed, his hands running up and down the length of Luke's back. "You're okay, I'm right here."

"There was a state trooper at the door," Luke started, his voice muffled by Noah's shirt, but he managed to understand what his best friend said. "And he sounded like Damian and he said that I had to open the door because…because something had happened to you and to Dad. Oh my god Noah where's dad? Is he okay?" Luke looked up at Noah, his eyes large and scared and Noah reached up to wipe the tears away.

"Your dad's in the kitchen, Luke. Finish telling me the story. What happened?" 

"They said you were dead," Luke sniffed. "And they wanted to take me to the police station and they were going to call Mom and she was going to take me away. You died in the car crash but I didn't believe it and I wanted to find you and I didn't want them to take me away Noah I don't want to go away I can't go away."

"Luke," Noah said cupping Luke's cheeks in his hand, forcing the frantic man to look at him. "Listen to me, okay? You're not going anywhere. I'm right here, you're safe."

"But it was so real," Luke said sadly. "The voices were real, and you weren't there. You didn't answer me and they said you were gone. I don't want you to get hurt in the storm, Noah. I don't want to lose you and Dad. I can't do it. I love you guys too much to lose you now and I…" His eyes widened as he realized what he had just said and before Noah could say anything he launched into another freak out. "Oh my god, I'm sorry Noah. I didn't mean to say that like that. I mean it's something I've been thinking about but I know it's not the right time or the place and you probably don't feel that way for me even though I want you to. And I don't know what it means but I know I feel things for you that are unlike anything I've ever felt-"

His words were cut off by wet lips pressing against his own. He took a deep breath and pulled back momentarily to release it before pressing his lips against Noah's again, this time giving in to the sweetness of the kiss. Their foreheads touched as they broke the embrace and Luke was finding it hard to breathe.

"You don't ever have to apologize for saying you love me," Noah whispered as his fingers stroked Luke's face. "I've wanted to say the same thing to you for a long time, but I wasn't sure if you were ready to hear it. I Love you, Luke. I love you so much and all I want to do is take care of you."

"Will you still feel that way when you know the real me?" Luke asked completely in awe with the words that were spurting from Noah's mouth. They made him feel warm and he just wanted to bask in it for a while.

"There is nothing that could make me not love you, Luke. That is a promise." He kissed Luke softly once more as Luke's arms wrapped around his neck. If this was what happiness felt like then he wanted to partake in it a lot.

_November 20, 2007(in continuation)_

_Noah and my dad are home now and the storm is still raging outside. I fell a lot better knowing that they are safe. The best thing happened when Noah came home though. He kissed me! Well okay, so a lot happened before he kissed me, but the point is he kissed me and he told he me loves me. His exact words were _"I Love you, Luke. I love you so much and all I want to do is take care of you." And then he said "There is nothing that could make me not love you, Luke. That is a promise." Isn't that the sweetest thing you have ever heard? I am so happy right now; I don't think I can even convey it properly. I was so scared of losing him earlier, and now he's here and he's walking around. Noah is walking again and he is taking full advantage of it. I don't think he has taken a seat once, even though he really needs to rest.

"Hey, give that back," Luke exclaimed as Noah took the journal out of his hands. "I was writing in that," He tried to sound indignant but it quickly turned into laughter as Noah leaned in to capture his lips in a soft kiss- "Okay that's much better than the journal," he said dreamily when the kiss ended. Noah settled down beside him and put his arm around his shoulders and smiled as he fingered the front of the journal.

"I thought you might approve," he chuckled.

"I am so glad you have the use of your legs, Noah."

"Me too. You should ask your dad how happy I was to be out of the wheelchair. I wanted to run, but I know that I have to get my leg back up to strength first. I'm just glad to be out of the cast."

"I don't want you to overdo it," Luke warned the concern clear in his eyes.

"You shouldn't be so worried about me, Luke," Noah said stretching his legs out in front of him. He knew Luke was right, and he did need to take it easy. Holden had already made him promise not to do too much for the first few days, which was fine with Noah.

"I will always worry about you," Luke insisted. "I love you, Noah," a smile crossed his lips at those four words and he blushed. It was nice to be able to say it out loud without fear of repercussion. He loved seeing the sparkle in those blue eyes and knowing that he was the reason it was there. He was excited to discover what this thing between him and Noah was, and what it all meant. There was a long road ahead of them, but Luke was certain about one thing. He'd be able to do anything if he had Noah in his corner.

"I love you too," Noah whispered, the words slipping off his tongue as easily as his name. He didn't think he'd ever tire of saying those words to Luke, though at the same time he knew it was important to make sure they weren't the only words they used. To Noah the words were sacred, and they held more meaning just caring about someone deeply. He wanted to teach Luke that. He wanted to be able to show him that it was okay to express it with or without words.

Luke rested his head on Noah's shoulder and Noah placed his head against Luke's and they sat there for a while just basking in a moment. Holden stood in the entryway watching the two men with a pleased smile on his face. It was pretty evident to him that at least for the moment everything was at peace, even as the storm raged outside.

_November 22, 2007(Thanksgiving Morning)_

_Dad wants Noah and me to go out to the store for last minute Thanksgiving supplies. Noah has never has a real true Thanksgiving Dinner and I missed the big Snyder family meal last year. And Dad figured that since it was just the three of us, he would go all out and cook us a big feast. I am excited; Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because it's a time to spend with family and loved ones. This year is special because I get to spend it with Noah and My dad…I couldn't have asked for better._

_This will be our first outing since we moved here. The walk we took last month doesn't really count. We didn't really go far, and Noah was in the wheelchair. Now that he has the full use of his legs again, he wants to show me around the town. I 0told him I would try to be okay with that. I really like the idea of being alone with him. Dad is letting us use the car and we're going to the market with a lot of people. I'm getting myself psyched up for it because Noah is counting on me. I let him down last time, but this time I will do better. I have to go, he's waiting for me._

Luke closed his journal and placed it on the nightstand beside the bed. He looked up just as Noah poked his head into the bedroom. "Hey, you ready?" Noah asked his voice full of concern.

"I think so," Luke said truthfully. Noah came further into the room and offered Luke his hand which he gladly took. Noah pulled him up and wrapped a comforting arm around him.

"It's going to be okay, Luke. There's no sand where we're going and people aren't as rude and in a hurry at the supermarket."

"But its Thanksgiving," Luke said matter-of-factly. "I'm sure we're not the only ones out for last minute shopping."

"It won't be that bad," Noah said as he ushered Luke out of their room. They retrieved the list from Holden and were soon on their way to the store. Noah kept his eye on Luke to make sure that he was okay. He knew that he was nervous, it showed in his mannerisms. Luke was flexing his hands and every few minutes he squeezed his fists so tightly his knuckles went white. Noah was certain he would have welts in his hands if he kept it up. "Relax," he said placing a comforting hand on Luke's shoulder once he parked the car.

Luke took a deep breath and surveyed all the cars in the parking lot. This was crazy, and he knew that. He really needed to get over this fear of people. He swallowed the trepidation and opened the car door stepping out into the cool morning air. He heard Noah open and close the driver side door and soon he was standing by him, enclosing his hand in a shell of warmth.

They walked through the store together at first, trying their best to weave through the obscene amount of people as best they could. When Luke ended up accidentally bumping into another customer's cart he suggested that it would be better if they split the list in half. Noah was skeptical, yet he was proud of Luke for coming up with the suggestion.

Noah broke the list in half and sent Luke to pick up the cranberry sauce and the baked goods. After promising Luke they would meet up at the deli counter he went about getting the things on his half of the list. Luke was watching him as he walked away, and Noah smiled encouragingly at him before turning to concentrate on his list.

As he walked up and down the aisles Noah couldn't shake the feeling that he was being watched. He turned every few minutes to see if Luke had followed him, but Luke wasn't there, and he knew that if his best friend had been nearby he would have felt his presence. He knew what Luke's closeness felt like, it was warm and inviting…but this, the eyes he felt boring into the back of his head they were cold and made him feel trepid.

He shivered involuntarily and reached for the canned pumpkin that Holden had insisted they buy. His hand stalled as he heard a voice that took him back to a time he wished he could forget.

"How dare you try to give me orders," the gruff voice bellowed. "I'll have your job young man. Where is your manager? He needs to teach you a lesson on how to speak to your elders."

Noah stepped back and jumped when he hit something solid. He turned and moved back again his back hitting the shelf as his hands went up to cover his face.

"Noah?" Luke's voice filtered through his panic and he lowered his hands finding himself looking into Luke's concerned gaze. "Noah, are you okay?"

Noah grabbed a hold of Luke's hand and tried to remain calm as he spoke. "Did you get everything?"

"Yes. I have everything right here," Luke said worried. "Are you okay?"

"We have to get out of here."

"Okay, we can go, Luke said squeezing Noah's hand. "Relax okay? Focus on me."

"Okay," Noah whispered as he took a deep breath and did as he was told. He was apprehensive as Luke placed their items on the conveyor belt and his palms were sweaty as he paid for their purchases. He felt like he couldn't breathe and he practically gasped when they exited the store.

"Don't worry about the bags," Luke said as Noah tried to pick up the milk they had bought. "I'll get them; you just get in the car and calm down. I'd drive…but I don't have my license so you need to get us home safely okay?" Noah nodded, and slid into the driver seat, allowing his head to rest against the steering wheel.

He relaxed when he heard the passenger door open and close and he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder, and soft lips on his cheek. He looked up into golden eyes flecked with green and he saw nothing but love and worry and he just wanted to wrap himself in it. "Let's go home, Noah." He nodded and focused on getting the car out of the parking lot. He was grateful that Luke didn't ask any questions, even though he could see the wheels turning in that blond head. Luke was curious to a fault, and Noah knew he owed him an explanation. He just wasn't sure how to give it.

Holden was waiting for them when they returned, and together the three of them brought in the groceries. Much to Noah's relief Luke didn't mention his melt down to Holden. He only spoke of his triumph in the market, and how when he did feel a little uneasy he just went to find Noah and then all was fine. Noah was proud of Luke for sensing his distress and somehow pulling through his own uneasiness to help when Noah needed it most. He would have to thank him for that later.

Holden had planned for them to have a traditional Snyder Thanksgiving which included Hubbard Squash and a football game. Noah was glad to be included in the traditions but his mind was on other things as they watched the game and then enjoyed their meal. He couldn't shake the feeling that he had been watched while they were in the market. That coupled with the voice he had heard made him feel vulnerable and he wondered if he could truly stay here. He had to…he knew that, Luke needed him to, just as Luke needed to know what was bothering him. He just didn't know how to explain it to him. And it wasn't that he thought Luke wouldn't understand; he had more faith in Luke than that. Voicing it out loud made it real and truthfully he just didn't know how to face it, and he wasn't certain if he ever could.

_November 23, 2007_

_Yesterday ended up being a very interesting day and I am sorry I didn't get a chance to write about it before we went to bed. Noah passed out almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was really exhausted after all the turkey he ate. Though I have a feeling it was much more than the food that made him go to sleep so fast._

_What I mean is that I think Noah was trying to escape something. Whatever happened at the store yesterday it really affected him. And not in a good way either. I can't recall ever seeing him so frightened and scared. I know those words mean pretty much the same way but believe me there is a difference. Noah just wasn't the strong secure Noah I am used to; he was vulnerable and all I wanted to do was help him. I didn't ask him what happened though…I figure if he wants to tell me he will. I wonder sometimes if I should ask Dad how to deal with issues that have to be brought up. But not this time, I don't want to get Dad involved unless he has to be. Noah's secrets are his, and I love that he feels comfortable sharing them with me. I would never betray his trust like that…it's far too sacred to me._

_I managed to survive going to the store though. I didn't freak out until the end, and when I did I just went to find Noah. I just didn't like standing over by the deli counter. It smelled bad and I didn't like the look of the guy cutting the meat with a butcher knife. _

_When I found Noah he looked so scared and I think I ended up scaring him more. He was very jumpy and wanted to get out of the store as quickly as possible. I hope he knows that he can talk to me about things. I only want to help."_

Luke looked up from his journal when Noah came to sit beside him. He allowed Noah to take the journal from his hands and watched as he scanned the page a frown set on his handsome face.

"Is it that bad?" He asked when Noah placed the book on the coffee table.

"I have to talk to you," Noah said his tone serious. Luke frowned and waited for Noah to continue. "I'm sorry about yesterday, Luke. You were already scared; I shouldn't have made it worse."

"You didn't make it worse," Luke insisted. "I'm just as worried about you as you are about me, Noah. I want you to tell me what's wrong…but I won't push you. You let me come to you about things, so I'm going to do the same thing. Trust me okay?"

"I do trust you, Luke, completely," Noah admitted taking Luke's hands into his. "Your thoughts and your feelings are important to me, don't ever doubt that. It's just that I don't know how to…I mean if I tell you what's going on then I have to face it. I don't know if I am ready."

"Someone once told me that you shouldn't put off till tomorrow what you can do today, Noah. Waiting isn't going to make you any less scared, and you'll always be afraid if you don't just say it."

"MY words," Noah said his heart swelling with pride.

"Wise words," Luke said softly, and they help me a lot all the time."

Noah bit his lip and leaned in to press his forehead against Luke's. "You are just too cute, you know that?"

Luke blushed and allowed his nose to touch Noah's before pulling away. "Come on, Noah. Tell me what's bothering you okay?"

"He's here," Noah said his voice almost inaudible.

"Who?" Luke whispered. "And where's here exactly?"

"My father…he's stationed here. And he was in the store with us today. I think he was following me."

Luke wasn't sure what he had been expecting Noah to say, but somehow that hadn't occurred to him. His father was stationed here at Fort Benning? So many questions flooded his mind at that moment and he shook his head to clear it of the cobwebs. "Noah," he said trying to choose his words carefully. "I don't' think he could have followed us to the store…I mean he doesn't know we live here."

"He was in the store though," Noah insisted.

"I believe you, Noah. You know that. Did you see him?"

"No. I just heard him; he was chewing out some defenseless stock boy or something and just hearing the voice took me back to a time I don't want to revisit."

"Did you know he was here? When we came," Luke explained when he received a blank look from Noah. "Was that part of the fear you've been feeling? You didn't want to run into your dad?"

"Yeah," Noah admitted with a sigh. "I didn't want him to know I was here."

Luke frowned. He wasn't sure what to think about what Noah was telling him. He wondered if maybe Noah did need to confront the man who had hurt him so much all those years ago. HE wanted to mention that to Noah, but didn't want his best friend to be mad at him for overstepping any boundaries. Besides it wasn't like he knew what he was talking about. Then again he was certain that when the time came he would have to stand up to Damian.

"You are strong, Noah," Luke said focusing on his best friend once more. "You aren't that same little kid listening to your father's hateful words. They can't harm you anymore."

"I don't think I can face him alone, Luke," Noah said honestly. "I don't know if I want to"

"I can understand that, but sometimes, Noah we have to do things we don't want to do. We do them because we need to…like when you told me to take those tests at the hospital remember? I didn't want to do it, but you said it was necessary"

"That was a little different," Noah countered. He was very proud of Luke for trying with the analogy though. It showed great growth and understanding.

"Not really," Luke insisted. "You know that if I stayed in the hospital any longer than I did I would have gone insane, and if you let your father's words haunt you forever you are never going to be happy. "

"You needed those tests so we could figure out what was wrong with you."

"And when you found out you and Dad made a decision that changed things," Luke pointed out. "That's why we're here. You and my dad did something really brave and risky, and so far that has paid off. Now you have to do something risky again. You have to face your father and tell him he can't hurt you anymore. You have already confronted the past; you did that when you told me about. Now it's time to face your demon…I think you're strong enough to do it."

_November 26, 2007_

_It's been a few days since I had a chance to write in here. Things have been pretty busy, and we're trying to get ready for the winter. Dad says that it will actually get cold here in Georgia, even though it doesn't feel like that will be the case. I will trust Dad's judgment, he knows everything. _

_It definitely going to be warmer here than in Oakdale, that's for certain. Even Noah agrees on that front. Speaking of my best friend, I just talked to him, right before I started writing, and he has finally made a decision about his father. He's going to talk to him, but he wants me to go with him. I assured him once more that I would be by his side no matter what; and I mean that. _

_I held his hand while he called the man. He squeezed mine really tight, but I didn't mind. I wanted to be able to give him comfort like he has always given me. Besides, I am certain that I have squeezed his hand hard a dozen times. This was just payback, though I know Noah will never call it that. Anyway, he talked to his dad, and we are supposed to go see him on December 1__st__. Noah is so nervous, but I keep telling him that he's going to be okay. His dad can't hurt him anymore. I think if I keep telling Noah that, I will start to believe it myself. I don't mean about his father, I mean I don't think this Colonel guy can do any more harm to Noah, but what I am trying say is that I think I am realizing that the people who hurt me can't do it anymore. Believe me; it's taken me a while to get to a point where I am not so scared. So I think that being able to deal with this person, Noah's demons will help me to heal so I can deal with my own. Does that make sense? _

_I am very scared, but very proud of Noah at the same time. He's taking a big step here…we both are and I don't know what will happen after we do it. I just hope it goes well, for Noah's sake._

Luke closed his journal as his dad joined him in the living room. Noah had insisted on cooking now that he had the use of his legs and Holden had just stored a lot of supplies in the closets and cabinets around the house. Now he was taking a break while Noah filled the kitchen with delicious smells. Luke smiled as his dad put his arm on the back of the couch and relaxed. He could still recall trying to avoid his father, and now he wondered why he ever did that.

"You don't have to stop writing on my account," Holden said nodding to the journal that Luke now held in his lap.

"Its okay, Dad. I would actually like to talk to you. I feel like it's been days even though it hasn't been."

"I remember a time when we couldn't go a day without talking."

"Do you think we can get back to that," Luke asked his tone hopeful. "I'm really sorry we missed a whole year."

"That was my fault, Luke, not yours."

"I can't let you take the blame for that, Dad. I'm the one who="

"You're the one who trusted that your dad would take care of you, and I let you down," Holden interjected. "The chain of events aren't really relevant here, Luke. You needed me and I wasn't there and I'm going to make up for that somehow."

"Does it help to know that I do trust you, Dad? I know that you are on my side, and I'm sorry if I haven't been a good son."

Holden allowed his hand to touch his son's hair, brushing it out of his face as he used to do when Luke was younger. "You've always been a good kid, Luke. Don't raise your eyebrows at me, I'm serious. You didn't do anything I didn't do as a child. And I don't know a kid that doesn't rebel in some way as a teenager. There isn't anything I would change about you son. Believe that."

Luke did believe it and he smiled as his father continued to stroke his hair. "You used to do that all the time when I was younger."

"And you used to tell me what's on your mind. Remember that?" Holden said his fingers continuing their soothing motion.

"I remember when you used to know," Luke said softly. He looked at his dad pointedly causing Holden's hand to fall from his hair. "You could look at me and tell that I was worried about something."

"I can tell you are concerned about something now. Do you want to talk about it?"

"It's about Noah," Luke said frowning as he looked down at his journal. His fingers traced patterns on the cover as he thought about what was going on with his best friend. He actually had a lot to tell his dad, he just didn't know how to start.

"Are things with you and Noah going okay?"

"Yes," Luke's smile was big as he looked back up at his dad. "Noah and I are fine, but he's just dealing with something, and I need your help…but I can't tell you what exactly is going on because it's Noah's story. Does that make sense?"

"You've always been very good at keeping secrets, Luke. You're very loyal; I love that quality about you. Is there something specific that you can say?"

"Well," Luke said thinking about it carefully. "I want to help Noah the way he has been helping me. He has to do something on Saturday, and I'm going to go with him. I'm just worried about the ramifications of it though. I mean…what if, what if it goes wrong. Do you think I'll be able to help him?"

"I'm sure you will do your best Luke. And that's all you can do. I have watched you guys the past few days and I can tell that you have been just a much a help to Noah as he has been to you. HE appreciates it, and that's all you need to know. Will you promise to talk to me about it when this is all over?"

"Yes sir, I think Noah will be able to talk about it then. He doesn't even want to think about it until Saturday. "

"Well you know I'm here, if you boys need me." Holden assured him.

"Dinner's ready," Noah announced as he came into the living room. He wiped his hand on a towel and smiled as his eyes met Luke's. "I made your favorite."

"Do you even know what my favorite actually is?" Luke laughed, not taking his eyes off his best friend. Holden stood and slipped away into the kitchen, without either boy noticing his disappearance.

"You like lasagna with extra sauce and parmesan cheese sprinkled on top," Noah said proudly. "And no I did not forget the garlic."

Luke placed his journal on the table and stood to give Noah a hug. "You are too good to me, you know?"

Noah leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips before allowing their foreheads to touch. "I just happen to love you," he whispered softly. "Thank you for going with me on Saturday."

Luke stopped his words with his lips before pulling away with a smile. "No more talk of things to come, I'm starving." Noah laughed as Luke pulled him into the kitchen. It didn't take long for the room to be filled with the sounds of voices talking and laughing as forks clinked against plates. It reminded Luke of old times at home back on the farm with his family. He missed them terribly, and he knew his dad missed it too…but he had to admit that there was something nice about being here with the two men he loved the most; his dad and Noah.


	23. Chapter 23

_November 30, 2007_

_It's Friday, the day before Noah and I are set to meet his father, and I think I'm getting nervous. I can't let Noah know that though. He needs me to be the strong one, and I want to be that for him. Sometimes I wish we could tell my dad what's going on, but I know that Noah doesn't want to…not yet. I think he's a little ashamed of what happened in his past. I can understand that, there are some things in mine that I am ashamed of too. Noah is an amazing person, and so is my Dad. I don't think my father would think any less of him, but Noah is very concerned about that fact. _

_Anyway, tomorrow I get to meet Noah's dad, and he gets to see him for the first time in years. That has to be very frightening. I get that too actually. Damian was in and out of my life a lot when I was younger. In fact his return last year was seven years in the making. Granted Noah last saw his father just months ago…well prior to Thanksgiving, and this time he didn't really see him; he just heard him. I think that while Noah may have had to put up with his dad for the last three years he was with him, he really left that relationship a long time ago. It's like his body was there and it was very mechanical. But as my best friend told me, he was ready to leave, his mind was already set to it and nothing was going to change it. _

_He ran away; and that's something I can understand too. Sometimes you just want to get as far away from the conflict as you can, because you think that's the answer. You think that once you run it will end. The thing is that problems don't just go away because you run. Those issues follow you wherever you go. It may take some time for them to catch up, but it's guaranteed that you will find yourself dealing with them again when you least expect it._

_Which brings us to tomorrow. I know I suggested that Noah face his dad, and I think it is the right decision; I can't help but worry about it though. I don't want Noah to get hurt, and I don't know what I will do if something happens. I'm suddenly frightened, but maybe, just maybe, I should trust my instincts. Dad said that my instincts were always spot on…he would know so I guess I believe him._

_Speaking of which, something amazing happened the other day. I don't know if it's amazing for anyone else, but to me it was just…nice I guess. This box came to the base, and Noah had to go pick it up. It was a box containing something for me, and you aren't going to believe what it was…I still don't quite understand; but all the letters I sent to Dad, and all the ones he sent to me, were in this box. It's sad, on one hand because it means someone deliberately kept the letters I wrote away from Dad. And Noah thinks the same person kept Dad's real letters away from me. Why would someone do that though? I guess its all part of that big tangled web Noah is always talking about. I wish there was a better explanation, I just can't quite figure it out._

_The amazing part comes in reading the letters from dad…though they made me sad too. Dad thought I was in rehab, so his letters were encouraging me to keep up the good work, and he told me that he was proud of me and that he loved me. And they were full of stories about what was going on at home. It was nice to know that he loved me and he missed me. He never got my long detailed letters though, the ones that talked about my loneliness and how much I wanted to come home. I just don't understand why someone would want to do that, it's really cruel, and it hurts because I think I know it had to be Damian who did it, and I don't get why he wants to hurt me when he's supposed to love me._

_I only read a couple of the letters, but I will be reading the other ones when things settle down here. I want to focus on Noah right now, he needs me. It sucks to know that we have both been hurt by the men who were supposed to love us from birth. I'm glad we have my dad though. Holden Snyder is the best man I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. And I am truly glad that he is my dad._

_I'm scared about something else too. It has to do with the aftermath of when Noah meets his dad. I mean we don't know what could happen, but I don't plan to let this man hurt Noah in any way. So if he flings words at him, then I will fling words right back. That could be risky, since I'm supposed to be hiding, but I have to do it. Noah stood up to Damian for me, back when we first met. I bet he doesn't think I'd remember, but I do. He stuck up for me, and back then we didn't know each other well; but now…now we are closer and I…I just want to help him._

Luke was reading over his writing when Noah joined him on the couch. He closed the notebook quickly, not wanting Noah to know that he had been talking specifically about him. To his surprise Noah didn't even attempt to take the book from him this time. Instead he pulled Luke close and buried his chin in soft blond hair. Luke sighed and rested comfortably against Noah. He was really starting to like cuddling.

"I don't know how ready I am for tomorrow," Noah admitted after a lengthy silence. "I mean it will be the first time I'm seeing my dad since I left for Oakdale, and there's so much he doesn't know, Luke. I don't know if I can do this."

Luke shifted slightly so he could turn his head to look at Noah. He could see the fear clearly in those azure depths and it made him sad. "You aren't going to be alone, Noah," he said repeating the same mantra Noah had given him many times before. "I'm going to be right there, holding your hand if you need me too, or watching your back if you would prefer. Whatever the case I am your lifesaver this time."

"Are you cherry or lemon," Noah asked a glint in his eyes.

"I prefer wintergreen thank you," Luke smiled and Noah laughed as he leaned in for a soft chaste kiss. "Seriously though, Luke continued after the embrace, "I won't let your dad hurt you, I swear."

"I know you mean that, Luke…it's just, I don't know what to expect. I am not sure what he will say to me, and I bet he's really upset that I just took off and never contacted him. And then there's the fact that I don't want to tell him I'm gay, but I want to introduce him to my boyfriend and it's just all a big mess."

Luke was silent as he looked at Noah, trying to gauge if he had heard him correctly. Did he just call me…no I had to have heard that wrong? But then it wouldn't be a bad thing would it? Wasn't that what came with loving someone? He wanted to ask, but didn't know if this was the right time since Noah was upset. He frowned and opened his mouth to speak, but bit his lip instead. He just didn't know how to proceed from here.

"Hey," Noah said pulling Luke out of his daze. "You okay? You left me for a minute there."

"I'm…I'm sorry," Luke said his frown deepening. "I just got caught off guard by something you said. I want to help you tomorrow, Noah. I'm determined to do so."

Noah shifted so that they were facing each other directly and placed his finger beneath Luke's chin. "What did I say that freaked you out?" he questioned softly.

"It was just something you said about us," Luke tried to explain. "I don't know if I heard you wrong, or if I just don't know what this…us is supposed to be called or…I don't know we can forget about it. Your problems are more important right now."

Noah stayed silent for a moment running back through the conversation in his mind. What could he have said that upset Luke so much? His eyes widened when he realized what happened and he cupped Luke's face with his hand even as he tried to figure out what he was going to say. "Oh my god, Luke…I'm so sorry I wasn't even thinking. It just came out, and I…" he stopped, realizing what he had been about to say would have been a lie. The truth was he didn't want to take it back, but he would if Luke needed him to.

"So you don't want to be my boyfriend?" Luke asked sadly. He moved away from Noah's touch and lowered his head. He hadn't realized how much that admission would hurt him.

"I didn't say that," Noah's voice met his ears and he felt his head being lifted until he was looking once more into sapphire eyes. "I do want us to be boyfriends, Luke. I just didn't want to push you into something you aren't ready for. But I meant it when I said I loved you."

"I love you too," Luke said shyly. "And I don't really know what it means to have a boyfriend; you'll be my first one."

"Well that's good," Noah chuckled, "since I don't know much about relationships either. "We'll learn together though, okay? No pressure, and for now it just means we defined what we are to each other. Nothing more than that…got it?"

"We can be boyfriends and best friends…right?" Luke asked, his face contorted as if he was disgusted with himself and the question.

Noah smiled and smoothed the lines out of Luke's face as he spoke. "No matter what else happens between us we are always going to be best friends. That is a promise…and I intend to keep it."

"And I'm going to keep mine," Luke's voice was soft as he gazed lovingly into Noah's eyes. "I'm going to stand by your side tomorrow and every day after that, for as long as you will let me do it. I think that's what love is all about, Noah. It's a lot of being there for someone when they need it most, and it means laughing at lame jokes, and smiling even when you think a question is stupid. Of course it's also the little things like holding hands, cuddling when scared, and comforting hugs, even when you're mad. I don't want you to ever be mad at me, but I bet it will happen and it will be okay as long as you still love me."

"Will you still love me," Noah asked, a warm smile crossing his lips as he looked at Luke. His eyes were practically radiating, and his heart just bursting with love. He just wanted to wrap him in his arms and never let him go.

"Yes," Luke said matter-of-factly. "My dad has been angry at me, and he used to tell me all the time that even though he was mad, he still loved me, and I think I'm his favorite," Luke whispered that last part as if it were a secret to be shared with no one. "What I feel for you is different than that kind of love though, it's deeper…I can feel it. And that wasn't what you asked me is it?" Luke smiled impishly showing his dimples which Noah was growing quite fond of.

"I'm beginning to think taking you away from that hospital was the best thing I could ever have done," Noah reflected softly.

The green flecks in Luke's eyes seemed to shine like emeralds as he leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Noah's lips. They shifted positions at Luke's insistence, and Luke held Noah close, running his fingers through silky dark locks. He had always wondered what that would be like, and he liked it a lot.

His fingers continued to comb through Noah's hair as his boyfriend's breathing evened out. Luke rested his chin in the soft silk and allowed his arms to wrap snuggly around him. Boyfriends…he liked the sound of that title; it was something he had resigned himself never to believe in, and now he had the perfect guy, who loved him, just because. He hoped that would never change.

As he drifted off to sleep he prayed that tomorrow would go smoothly. He was ready for whatever challenge they were going to face, and he hoped Noah wouldn't get hurt in the process. No matter what happened he knew where he needed to be, by Noah's side.

Fear could be a very powerful thing if you allowed it to control your life. It can paralyze you, make you weak and take away your freedom without even blinking an eye. In many cases it can be the deadliest of monsters, and truthfully the only way to conquer it as to face it head on. There would be scars, and bruises; damaging blows to the heart, the body and the mind, but in the end if you have the will you will be victorious and the fear, the pain of it all would be a thing of the past.

Noah knew this, he had shared this knowledge with Luke, and now…now he was about to put the theory to the test. He just hoped he was ready for it.

He thought he was as he walked hand in hand with Luke towards the meeting place. Luke was leading, pulling him forward as if he had been to this place many times before. Noah knew Luke had looked it up. He had researched it, and was aware of the fact that they wouldn't be isolated and alone with the colonel. Thanks to Holden's GPS they found the place easily enough, and the moment they reached their destination Luke let go of his hand…but remained glued to his side.

They had agreed to appear as a united front, but at the same time Luke didn't think it was best to throw out the relationship card right away. Noah agreed…he knew Luke was right, he was just grateful that his boyfriend was there. He felt like he could face this if Luke was with him. It was a subtle yet effective shift of roles; Luke was now the anchor to Noah's boat, holding it steady in the murky waters.

"Do you see him?" Luke asked breaking the silence as he looked around for a man dressed in a Military uniform. He knew how silly the notion was seeing as they were living in a Military town…but it seemed like the best way to start looking.

Noah placed a hand on Luke's shoulder and pointed. "He's over there." Luke followed Noah's finger and found himself staring at a man who looked to be in his late forties or early fifties. He had a hard face and even from where he stood Luke could tell he was impatient. He was drumming his fingers on the picnic table and he didn't look very amused. Luke put his guard up quickly and grabbed Noah's hand to give it a tight squeeze for comfort. He was there for moral support, but he knew that the minute it seemed Like Noah needed him he would jump in without fail.

Noah relished in the feel of Luke's hand against his skin, even though the touch only lasted a few moments. He breathed in deep and exhaled slowly, steeling himself for the fight he knew was coming. He just hoped that when the onslaught of words came he would be able to defend himself this time. He moved forward, wishing immediately that he could reach back to take Luke's hand. As if his boyfriend could read his mind, he felt a hand on his back, clutching tentatively at the jean jacket he was wearing. Luke wasn't showing it, but Noah could tell that he was frightened too, and he selfishly took comfort in that fact.

The older man stood as they approached, his mouth set in a tight line as his eyes focused on Noah. Noah swallowed and turned to face Luke for a moment, his hands touching Luke's shoulders carefully. "Just stay here, okay? I'm going to see if I can do this." Luke nodded and smiled encouragingly even though he was shaking inside. He didn't like the look in the man's eyes…they were so hard and angry…so cold.

"Hello, Noah," The man spoke as Noah turned to face him head on. "I'm sure I taught you how to properly greet an officer in uniform." Luke frowned immediately and faded back into the shadows, making sure to stay close enough for Noah to know he was still there. For now he was just going to watch things unfold.

Noah snapped into position automatically, his spine straight, his hand up as he saluted. The older man copied Noah's movements offering a sharp nod of approval before taking his seat. Noah put his hand down and realized that he didn't know what he wanted to say. He had come this far, and had contacted the Colonel himself…but he didn't know how to continue. Now he felt stupid for even thinking he could do this.

"What's the matter with you, boy," he heard the Colonel's voice and gulped. "Do you think I have time to sit here and play this game with you? Sit down and tell me what you're doing here, and who is this thing you brought with you."

"You can't talk that way about him," Noah said not sure where the burst of bravery came from. "He has a name, and he's important to me."

"I don't care," The colonel snapped. "It was very inconsiderate of you to bring him here. I taught you better than that, Noah."

"Yes, sir," Noah said lowering his head meekly. Luke bit his tongue and tapped his foot impatiently. He wanted to say something but he didn't think it was the right time.

"So what is this about, Noah?" The Colonel asked causing Noah to snap back into ready mode. "Are you prepared to stop this crazy nonsense you call a life and become a real man? You know it won't be hard for you to get a girlfriend. Maybe Linda Mandermen will give you another chance. Her father said she's still single. You can make an honest woman out of her, and she can teach you a thing or two as well. You are too much of a wimp."

"Why do you hate me so much?" Noah asked, hoping his voice wasn't as shaky as it sounded to his own ears. "What did I ever do to you besides trying to be the best son that I could be?"

"I couldn't have been more disappointed in you if I tried, Noah. I tried to give you everything you could possibly want, and what did you give me in return? Insolence," he responded before Noah had a chance to say anything. "Nothing but insolence and embarrassment. Maybe I should have smacked you around instead of allowing you to be coddled.

"I think you have a different definition of coddling than I do, Sir. Because I can just about guarantee that there was nothing nice about growing up with you."

"Don't you dare touch him," Luke shouted as the older man stood and raised his hand. The sound of Luke's voice startled Noah and he turned just in time to see the fire in Luke's eyes as he stood with his hands clenched and his feet stretched out. He looked like he was ready to rumble. "You should sit and let Noah have his say. You owe him that much."

"I don't know who you think you are," The colonel turned those cold eyes on Luke, "but I suggest you mind your own damn business before I tell your parents to teach you some manners."

"That's enough, Father," Noah snapped commanding attention from his father. "You don't speak to him that way, you don't know him, and he doesn't deserve your insults."

"Sit down, Noah and tell your friend there to go away. He's not a part of this conversation."

"Luke stays," Noah said even as Luke stepped up beside him. Having Luke close gave him a little bit of strength. "If you want to talk to me, we can talk…but Luke gets to be here."

"Oh I see," The Colonel said folding his hands on the table, "You want him to hear what a wretched child you were, right? You want him to know all your flaws and your shames. Shall I tell him how you cried for days when your hamster died? Or maybe he'd like to hear about the time I had to drag you kicking and screaming from the playground because you couldn't get along with the other children. I have no problem letting your friend hear," he said a hint of disgust in his voice as he glanced at Luke again, "just how horrible you were. If I do he will leave you just like the other friends you try to make. You don't know where to stop, Noah. You never did. Does he know about Sammy? Does he know about your homosexual tendencies?" The Colonel snorted and looked at Luke in a new light. "Maybe you do need to know what you are getting into if you stay with my son, he's high maintenance and he needs a lot of discipline."

"That's enough," Noah said defiantly.

"Is it, Noah? Or should I tell him about your penchant for playing with knives. Does he know how stupid you were? Or how callous you were to do that while there was company? Sgt McLain should have let you die that day. It would have saved me a lot of trouble."

"I hate you," Noah said his own fists clenched as he stared at the man who used to be his dad. "I hate you so much right now, and I only came here to tell you that I don't want you in my life anymore. I don't need you; do you understand that? I don't care what you think or what you say to me because it doesn't matter anymore. Words are just words and I won't let them hurt me anymore. You can't hurt me, you sick sadistic bastard."

"You dare to call me sick and disgusting?" The Colonel snorted. "I'm not the one who came on to an officer's son, Noah."

"I didn't come on to him." Noah replied with a sigh. "And I didn't come here to talk to you about the past…I just wanted to see you again so I could tell you what I think of you."

"I should have sent you to Military school when I had the chance. You need to learn how to speak to your superiors."

"OH, no I'm very polite," Noah said placing his hands flat on the table as he stared at the man coldly. "I only use my manners on people I respect, not pompous jerks like you."

"Just answer me one thing, Noah," The Colonel said, sounding just a little impressed by Noah's gusto. "Are you ready to be a real man and marry a girl, or are you going to allow yourself to become a faggot and fly with the fairies?"

Luke was horrified at the words that came out of Noah's dad's mouth. He had to fight to keep his mouth closed as he looked at his boyfriend. Noah was beet red and he looked like he was fighting with himself. Luke was only partly surprised that his boyfriend was standing his ground.

"Being Gay is not a choice," Noah spat as he glared at the older man. "It's who I am, and who I was meant to be, and I'm very proud to be me. And if you can't accept me then I don't care anymore." Before anyone had a chance to reply Noah pivoted and stormed out of the room. Luke watched him leave for a moment and sighed. His boyfriend had tears in his eyes, and that fact alone made Luke angry. He turned to face his boyfriend's father, his arms crossed in front of him as he locked eyes with the man who had a smug smile on his face.

"What is wrong with you?"Luke asked, his outburst wiping the smug smile right off the Colonel's face. "You are an even bigger jerk then I ever thought possible, and believe me I have a pretty big imagination"

"I don't know who you think you are son, but I think you need to learn a little respect yourself."

"My name is Luke Snyder, and I happen to be someone who actually gives a damn about your son. You have no right talking to him like that. He is one of the best men I know and I will not let you walk all over him anymore. You should be lucky to have a son like him."

"Who do you think you are speaking to me like that? I am Colonel Winston Mayer and I demand-"

"You demand what?" Luke asked darkly as he glared at the man who was now standing before him. He was surprised at how calm he felt on the outside. He had seen Noah cry, and that just broke his heart. He didn't like it when people hurt his boyfriend. "You made Noah cry, and all he ever wanted to do was to love you, but you know what? He can do so much better than you, and he has. He's surrounded by people who care about him and his best interests. He is making a name for himself and he doesn't need the military to teach him about manners. He's very polite and very smart too. And he's more of a man then you will ever be."

Noah's heart swelled with pride as he reentered the room, catching the tail end of Luke's speech. He was stunned. That was the only way to describe what he felt as he came to stand beside his boyfriend, who was still glaring at the older man. He had been part way to the parking lot when he realized that Luke wasn't behind him. Now he knew why; Luke had stayed behind and he was defending him. At that moment Noah couldn't have loved him more.

"Are you okay," Luke asked drawing Noah's attention. He had been so deep in thought that he hadn't realized Luke was facing him with hands on either one of his shoulders.

"I'm fine, Luke. Thanks to you," he whispered as he leaned forward to steal a quick kiss. "Can we get out of here?"

"Noah," a gruff voice said behind them. Luke and Noah both looked and were surprised to see that the man's face had softened a little and he looked almost remorseful. "Let's talk about this reasonably please."

"I'm through with talking to you," Noah said shaking his head vehemently. "I put up with your abuse for far too long, because I had to…but not anymore. From here on in I am in control of my life, and that is as it should be. Your words and your actions can no longer affect me because I will not let them. And most importantly…you no longer have a son. As of today, right now, I don't have a father. "Come on, Luke," he said putting an arm around his boyfriend. "Let's go home."

Luke spared a final glance as he walked away with Noah. The Colonel was watching them with an expression on his face that Luke could not read. He turned away quickly and took the lead pulling Noah out of the building. He suddenly felt suffocated, but he couldn't give into it…not now. He let go of Noah's hand long enough for them to get into the car. He took a deep breath and tried to focus on the task at hand. His hand reached out to touch Noah's shoulder and he squeezed it a little harder than he meant to. Noah placed his hand on top of Luke's and turned to offer him a reassuring smile.

"Thank you for going with me," He said leaning over to kiss Luke's forehead. He squeezed the hand that still rested on his shoulder and started the car. They didn't talk much on the ride home. Both boys were lost in their thoughts. Luke kept his hand on Noah's shoulder, his eyes glancing at him every so often to make sure he was okay. Noah kept his eyes on the road, taking comfort in Luke's hand as he tried to calm down his heart.

His father's words had stung, and there was a part of him that still thought maybe the man was right…but seeing Luke in there just now reminded him of why this was necessary. Luke had faith in him Luke believed he could be the person he wanted to be and that was what mattered here. It was important that he had someone in his corner, someone who had his best interests at heart. Luke had faith in him, and more importantly he had faith in himself. That was the biggest victory about facing his father. He knew the man could no longer hurt him and he was no longer afraid.

_December 1, 2007_

_I think I am very lucky because I have a dad who loves me for who I am. He doesn't expect anything of me that I don't expect in myself. At least that's how I see it, and it's what he tells me. When we got back from seeing Noah's dad I gave mine a big hug and held on to him for a long time. I just thanked him for being here for me, though I am sure he doesn't understand why I was doing that. I don't know if I really appreciated what I have until I saw the way Noah's father acted today. He was so cold and unfeeling. It was horrible. The things he said to Noah were so mean and callous. I'm glad Noah was able to stand his ground and tell the man off. He hasn't said much since we came home though. I think he's still reeling from what happened, not that I blame him. _

_I didn't want to tell him, but I was really scared today. I tried my hardest to be okay for his sake, but I was shaking so much being around all the people. I know they were watching me, especially when I started to yell at Noah's father. I didn't think about it then, but right now, as I write this, I feel myself slipping. It's like a volcano before it actually erupts. I feel fine on the outside, but on the inside I am shaking like a leaf and I don't know how to stop it. I'm not outside anymore, I'm in the house with Noah and my dad but I can still see all the eyes that were staring at me, judging me and I can hear the laughter in my ears. I don't know, maybe Noah's wrong and I am a little crazy._

I don't know if I am so scared because I was outside, or if it's the fact that I yelled at Noah's father today. It was all for a good reason, I was defending Noah, but now I feel like something's going to happen but I am not sure what. I have to stop writing now, the words are getting messy because my hands are shaking…why am I so scared?

"Luke, your dad wanted me to come…hey what's wrong," Noah said as he entered the room and came to sit by Luke. He frowned as he watched Luke's eyes darken with fear. He moved to touch him, but thought better of it. He didn't want to frighten Luke any more than he already was. Noah heard a thud and realized that Luke's journal had fallen to the floor. Luke's hands were shaking and Noah could tell he was trying to get his emotions under control. That didn't seem to be working for him. "Luke?" he questioned again even as he reached down to pick up the fallen book. Normally he didn't look through the pages until Luke gave him permission, but this time the situation couldn't be helped.

He quickly scanned the entry for December 1, and swallowed back a sigh as he pulled a shaking Luke into his arms. Almost immediately his fingers sought solace in Luke's thick blond locks as he tried to soothe him with words of comfort.

Luke clutched at the fabric of Noah's shirt and buried his face in his neck as if his life depended on it. Noah held on tight assuring his boyfriend that it was okay for him to let go. Luke felt the onslaught of panic and lifted his head above Noah's shoulder so he could breath. He gulped in the air as quickly as he could but it didn't seem to be calming him down. He could still hear the laughter and he felt the stares and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't convince himself that he was there in Noah's arms where no one could hurt him.

"Hey," Noah said pulling back to cup Luke's face in his hands. "I need you to breathe for me okay. Come on, that's it just take nice deep cleansing breaths and listen to my voice. There's no one here laughing at you, okay? And they aren't looking at you, Luke. There are no people here but you and me…do you hear me?"

"Y…yes," Luke said as he continued to breathe in and out like Noah told him to.

"Do you believe me?" Noah kept his voice gentle. Luke nodded and closed his eyes that were suddenly wet with tears. Noah kissed away the wetness while allowing his hand to rub circles along Luke's back. "I'm very proud of you, Luke," he continued between kisses. "You were very brave today, and you stood up to the Colonel, and you didn't get hurt."

He hoped that his words were helping Luke at least a little. He was kicking himself for not realizing how this would affect his boyfriend. Sure Luke had wanted to do this, and he was grateful to him for that treason. But the fact of the matter was that Luke had a fear that Noah was well aware of. And instead of thinking about him, he was more concerned with himself. And because of that Luke was suffering. Noah wanted to cry; he hated seeing his boyfriend so upset and he hated even more that he was the cause of it.

Luke continued to take big gulps of air and allowed Noah's words to settle in his mind. He was safe, he was at home with Noah…and even better, his boyfriend was proud of him. All of those things together allowed him to relax ever so slightly. He closed his eyes and reveled in the feel of Noah's lips as they continued to kiss his cheeks. The fact that Noah sounded grateful and concerned made him feel better. HE didn't want Noah to worry about him, and that was enough reason to battle the fear that dared to grip him again.

He felt warm lips press against his and sank into the embrace, his arms sliding up and around Noah's neck. He pulled away when he felt Noah's tongue touch his lips. "I'm sorry," he said embarrassed by his actions, his head lowering as his he felt his cheeks heating up.

"Luke, look at me," Noah ordered in a gentle but stern voice. Luke lifted his head and bit his lip, comforted by the fact that there wasn't any anger in the azure gaze. "I'm sorry; I think I got carried away there. I just wanted to make your fears go away, you know? I didn't mean to do something you aren't ready for."

Luke relaxed and allowed himself to smile, his arms encircling Noah's neck again as he pulled him in for a hug. He rested his head on Noah's shoulder and felt comforted when he felt Noah's arms embrace him. They sat like that for a long while before Noah felt Luke's breath on his neck. He somehow managed to shift and move until he was lying flat on his back with Luke's head on his heart. Once he was satisfied that Luke was sleeping fitfully he tightened his protective embrace and allowed himself to be lulled into the world of dreams.

_December 23, 2007_

_I am very excited right now. It is going to be the first time I get to spend Christmas with my Dad again and my first official one with Noah. I can't wait. We are supposed to decorate a tree soon, and Dad even bought stockings since that was our tradition back home. We're going to hang them on the fireplace and we'll have hot chocolate even though the weather in Georgia doesn't really feel very Christmassy. I'm not so worried about that though. I only care that I am here with Dad and Noah, and I continue to improve. Noah is concerned about me backsliding and it worries me as well. I can tell that even dad is on pins and needles waiting for the minute I slip. It's scary to think like that, but I don't know things are just too good. The last time I was this happy my big brother betrayed me. We've been in Georgia for two months now…that was how long we were in California before it happened. Should I be concerned?_

"Luke," Noah's voice sounded loud in the quiet house startling Luke out of his thoughts. He closed his journal and placed it in its hiding spot before standing to poke his head out of the bedroom. "Oh there you are," Noah said shrugging out of the light jacket he had worn out that morning. "I wanted to give you something before we decorate the tree," he explained. "Come on out of the room, I won't bite."

Luke came into the living room just as Holden entered the house carrying a modest sized tree. "You wanted to show me the tree?" Luke asked as he helped his dad set the fir down.

"No," Noah chuckled. "I have a surprise for you. "Were you okay here by yourself?"

"There wasn't a storm, so I was fine," Luke replied. "Just writing." He shrugged and fiddled with the branches of the tree as he stared at Noah, waiting to see what he had brought for him.

"Come with me," Noah said taking Luke's hand into his own and pulling him over to the couch. "Remember when you told me the story about the Christmas angel?" he asked as he handed Luke a perfectly wrapped box. "The year your sister was born, you were unhappy because your mom wouldn't come downstairs, since she was on bed rest, and your grandma told you to make a wish on the angel and you were being stubborn about it," Noah chuckled as Luke unwrapped the gift carefully. He was making sure he didn't rip it; he wanted to keep every piece of this gift from Noah. "In any case, the wish you made on the angel came true…and you said that was the one thing you missed about Christmas last year. You didn't get to wish on the angel…so-"

"You got me an angel," Luke said as he lifted the delicate ornament out of the box, "And it looks just like the one Grandma hangs every year. Thank you Noah," he said wrapping his arms around his boyfriend's neck. This is the best gift."

"You're welcome," Noah said when they pulled out of the hug. "Can you tell me if her dress is the right color? I know you said off white, and I told the woman at the store it needed to be exact. I want to make sure she didn't trick me."

Luke looked at Noah peculiarly before focusing on the doll. "The dress is really nice, but I don't remember there being a gold chain," He said, allowing his fingers to touch the intricately linked chain that hung around the angel's neck. Wait, this isn't part of the angel," he exclaimed as he lifted the chain from around the ornament's head. "Where did this come from," He asked his eyes on Noah once more."

"It's from your guardian angel," Noah explained as he took the chain from Luke's hands and moved so he could slip it around his neck. "I'm always going to be with you, Luke, even when I'm not close by. The links symbolized the bond we have formed…we're forever joined even when we're apart."

Luke's eyes filled with unshed tears as he smiled and caught a glimpse of gold resting against Noah's neck. "You have one too," He said softly, biting his lips to stay off the tears that wanted to fall.

"My Christmas wish," Noah said taking Luke's hand into his, and linking their flingers together, "Is to form a special bond with one special person…and that bond is something that will never be broken even in times of peril and strife. The chains are like our lifelines. When we can't be together physically, we'll be together spiritually, and we'll take strength from that. You're my guardian angel too, Luke, and I love you."

Luke opened his mouth to speak, but he didn't think anything he said could articulate what he was feeling. He closed his mouth and settled for a smile before leaning forward to award Noah with a soft kiss. "I love you too," he whispered, his finger touching the chain that hung around Noah's neck. The spell was broken when they heard the door close and saw Holden shrugging out of his Jacket.

"Are you guys ready to decorate the tree?" he asked completely oblivious to what had just transpired in the living room.

"Yes, Dad. Look what Noah got, it's the Christmas Angel," Luke exclaimed as he sprang off the chair. Noah just smiled and headed over to the decorations while Luke and Holden reminisced for a minute about the year Natalie was born. It was already shaping up to be a great Christmas.

Luke couldn't stop smiling as he sat on the couch writing in his journal. They had decorated the tree while Holden told stories and they sang Christmas carols at the top of their lungs. He couldn't remember ever having so much fun, and he wanted to write it down just in case. He didn't tell anyone that he was trying to record all the important moments…nor did he mention that he feared the day he forgot everything again. He had made a lot of progress with his dad, and he felt like they were getting closer and closer every day. He especially didn't want to lose the moments he shared with Noah…those were precious.

At that very moment Noah was in the kitchen whipping up more hot chocolate, and Holden was working on dinner. Noah had insisted that all Luke needed to do was sit, which was fine since he had a lot to say. He was just about to put paper to pen again when there was a knock on the door. "I'll get it," he said even as he set his journal down with the pen on top of it. He walked to the door, a smile still present on his face as he turned the knob. "Merry," he said before the words died on his lips. He stepped back, trying hard not to react. Thinking fast he slammed the door hard and ran as fast as he could to the kitchen.

"Luke what's wrong," Noah asked immediately sensing his boyfriend's panic. Luke was so shaken and out of breath and not even Noah's hands on his shoulders seemed to calm him. "Luke talk to me, baby. What's the matter?"

"Who was at the door," Holden asked his concern growing with every minute that his son stayed quiet.

"They…they found us," Luke managed to say, his eyes growing wide as he looked from his boyfriend to his dad and back to Noah. "Noah, I don't know what to do…they found us…they know we're here." The sound of the door slamming made all three of them jump and Luke flew into Noah's arms.

"Luciano," Damian's voice reached their ears causing Luke to cringe. Noah held him close and looked to Holden with raised eyebrows as if to ask what now?"

"I'll handle this," Holden said, his voice conveying that quiet calm Noah admired in him. "Take him out back," he whispered even as Noah led Luke out of the house. Impulsively Luke ran back and hugged his dad tight before leaving with Noah.

Holden watched the door for several moments before taking a look around the small kitchen that had been their home for the past two months. He heard Damian call for Luke again and sighed. He had known this day would come…and it was now or never. With a deep breath and one final glance he headed into the living room.


	24. Chapter 24

If he was grateful for anything his father ever taught him, it was to be prepared for the unexpected. He was very good at thinking ahead, and anticipating things that most wouldn't even think about until it was too late. Nothing was impossible until it was proven so, and one never knew when they'd have to make a run for it. All of these things were a part of the art of survival.

He thought about this as he grabbed a hold of the bag that was stowed away behind the house. With his free hand he held tightly to Luke, their fingers linked as he urged him to trust and follow him through the darkened streets and alleys. He was suddenly glad for the frequent trips to the closet; his eyes were sharp in the dark. He could tell his boyfriend was scared, but he couldn't stop, not until they were safely off the base.

He breathed a sigh of relief when they reached the bus terminal, though he had no idea how long they had walked. His legs ached, and Luke was breathing pretty hard, but still Noah urged him forward until they reached a bench where he helped Luke to sit. "I need you to watch this for me," he said handing the bag to him. "Guard it with your life, Luke, and don't worry I will be right back. I have to get our tickets…okay?"

Luke looked up at him with eyes that were fighting the fear. Noah hugged him tight and gave him a soft kiss, hoping that would soothe him if only just a little. He needed Luke to be brave…no matter how hard it was. He knew Holden was at the house and that he would stall Damian as long as he could, but Noah wanted to be out of Georgia before Damian had a chance to put out a search party.

His mind worked quickly as he walked away from Luke. Luckily the ticket counter was mere feet away from the bench. He could keep an eye on his boyfriend from where he stood. He alternated his gaze between the woman in front of him and his scared boyfriend who was looking everywhere around him, while chewing on his bottom lip. By the time he reached the front of the line he had figured out a plan. He needed two tickets on the next bus headed for the Midwest. He had an idea; he just hoped it would work.

Damian was pacing when Holden entered the living room. His jaw was set, his shoulders straight and his hands clasped behind his back. Holden sighed, his eyes scanning the room until they landed on the coffee table where Luke had left his journal. Ever so casually Holden walked over and picked up the book and the pen, hiding it behind his back before Damian could see it. "Where's Lily?" he asked getting the other man's attention.

"She's in Luciano's room getting his things," Damian replied turning to face the man who had taken his son away far too many times. "He will be coming with us, and you better hope that you haven't caused more damage by denying him the operation he needs."

"Luke doesn't need an operation, Damian."

"That's not your call to make, Holden."

"Damn right it's my call," Holden raged. "He's my son, Damian. It may be your blood that runs through his veins but it's my spirit that runs through his heart…he is my kid through and through and I have every right to make decisions when it comes to him."

"Luciano is sick, Holden. How could you take him out of the hospital? If you were any type of father…"

"I would make sure that Luke never has to deal with the likes of you again," Holden cut Damian off before he could finish his sentence. Luke is saner then either you or myself for that matter. He is in complete control of his faculties and he knows what he wants. How did you find us anyway?"

"An anonymous caller tipped us off to your location," Damian explained as Lily returned to the living room. "We were told that if we wanted to find Luciano, we just needed to come to the Fort Benning Military base. We have been here for a couple of days, and we were going to give up until we saw you exit and enter the house one day. But enough of that, we are taking Luciano with us."

"You aren't taking Luke anywhere," Holden said defiantly. "And you, I can't believe you're helping him."

"You left me no choice Holden. I only have Luke's best interest at heart." Lily placed the bag she had brought from the room on the couch and folded her arms across her chest. "Luke needs help, and if you cared about him at all you would let him get this surgery."

Luke held tightly to the bag Noah had given him what seemed like eons ago. He knew Noah was taking so long because he was in line, but somehow that fact didn't alleviate his fear any. His leg jerked up and down repeatedly as he looked around expecting any minute for his parents to come storming into the bus station. Noah hadn't told him the plan yet, but he knew a bus was involved, and that fact alone was likely to send him into a panic attack. There were a lot of people on buses, and they would have to be in a closed in space for a long time. He wasn't sure he could do it…though he had managed to fly on the airplane hadn't he? Somehow that didn't seem like the same thing.

He could feel Noah's presence even before the taller man reached him. HE wondered if that was a part of being in love; knowing someone was there even before they were right there. It was something he wished he could ask his dad, but thinking about him made him sad. He had the sinking feeling that it would be a long time before he could give his dad a hug again, or talk to him like he had been doing for the past few months.

"Hey," Noah said sitting down beside him. "Are you okay?"

Luke nodded as he looked at his boyfriend who was holding tickets in his hand. "Do we really need to leave Dad?" he asked, biting his lip as he realized how pathetic he must sound.

"For now there is no other choice, Luke," Noah replied, and Luke could tell that he was genuinely sorry that this was the way it had to be. "I need to get you out of here, and I have an idea. I don't know how much you're going to like it…but you trust me right?"

"Yes, Noah. I trust you," Luke said without hesitation. "Where are we going to go?"

"There is a bus leaving soon that will take us to Atlanta," Noah explained. "From there we're going to board another bus that will take us to Chicago."

Luke's eyes widened as he realized what Noah was suggesting. "You want to take me back to Oakdale?" he asked, the fear seeping into his voice despite his best attempt to keep it at bay.

"That's the last place they would look. They wouldn't expect you to go back there, Luke."

Luke chewed on his lip for a minute as he thought about what Noah said. It wasn't Oakdale he was afraid of after all. That was home…it was people there that frightened him. His mom and Damian wanted him to do things he didn't want or think he needed…and the doctors at the hospital. Noah wasn't suggesting he go back there..."Hiding in plain sight," he said suddenly as he realized what Noah meant.

"Exactly," Noah smiled and gave Luke a hug. "I knew you would understand. I know you will be a little uncomfortable on the bus, but I swear to you, once we get somewhere safe, no more running okay?"

"What if I forget?" Luke asked voicing the question that was on both of their minds. "Every time we go away I lose my memory. What if it happens again? I don't want to forget these past few months Noah…I don't want to forget you."

"I'm the one thing you've never forgotten," Noah pointed out softly. "And you have this," he fingered the chain that lay against Luke's neck and kissed him softly on the lips. "Come on, we have to go get on the bus."

Luke let Noah take his hand and he held tightly to the bag as they moved to the line that was forming to board the bus to Atlanta. Once they were on board Noah led them to the back of the bus and gave Luke the window seat. Noah watched everyone board the bus and took a moment to think about the last time he had left this place. It seemed like a lifetime ago. They had left in the dead of night, like two criminals needing to sneak away so they wouldn't be caught. It wasn't so much different from what he was doing now…except that he was a lot happier than he had been back then. And he felt like he had a purpose; he was protecting Luke, the man that he loved.

Holden set a cup of coffee in front of Damian and handed one to Lily before taking a seat on the couch beside his wife. He had managed to convince them that they needed to have a serious talk about what was best for Luke. It was time for them to work together, and that meant not fighting. They needed to be on the same page, it was the only way they could truly help Luke. He was tempted to blast Damian for his part in everything, but he figured Luke would want to do that…when the time was right…when he was okay again.

"Where is Luke?" Lily asked again as she sipped her coffee. "Is he really that afraid of us, Holden?"

"I don't know where he is," Holden said honestly. "I told him to wait for me while I spoke to you, but when I went in the kitchen to make coffee, he was gone. He probably went for a walk. He has become more comfortable around people in the last few months. He isn't so scared of them anymore."

"So he is improving," Lily spoke up with what sounded like genuine hope in her voice. Holden met her gaze and held it for a moment before nodding. "Surely he can only get better if he actually has the operation."

"You aren't listening to me, Lily." Holden sighed. "The first thing we need to do is actually listen to Luke. He doesn't want to be operated on. And contrary to popular belief he does know what's going on. He is fully aware of things, and he knows what you two want him to do. If you have any hope of getting him to go with you, you have to listen to him."

"He doesn't know what's best for him, Holden," Damian piped up before Lily could say another word.

"Damian you don't know enough about Luke to make that determination," Holden countered reasonably. "I've watched him grow into the bright young man that he is, and I know him inside and out. He knows what he wants and what he doesn't want. He doesn't need to be changed. Do you want to help him or not?"

"Yes we do," Lily spoke, placing a hand on Damian's arm to keep him quiet. "When he gets back from his walk, we'll talk to him and let him know that we will respect his wishes."

Holden nodded and took a sip of his coffee. He was glad that Lily was at least willing to see reason. He wondered how she would feel when she realized their son wasn't coming back. He had placed the journal in a safe place while he was making coffee for the three of them. He could only imagine how Luke would feel when he realized he didn't have it. Holden was determined that he would be able to give it to him the next time they were able to see each other. For now he had to keep it safe and make sure it didn't fall into the wrong hands. _Luke's life is now completely in your hands, Noah_, he thought to himself as he listened to Lily and Damian converse. _Take care of each other and be safe._

Noah stood to stretch his long legs but he didn't move away from the chair. His eyes moved easily to the sleeping figure in the seat beside him and he frowned. While on one hand he was glad Luke was getting some rest, he wasn't sure if it was a good idea for him to be asleep. Despite what he had told him earlier, Noah was concerned about Luke forgetting too. HE had no doubt his boyfriend would remember him, but what if he did forget everything else? What if the last two months were completely wiped away? He knew he was probably over thinking, but when it came to Luke he always had to be cautious. It was imperative for them to run, but if Luke had a setback…

He shook his head and tried not to think about the negatives. No matter what happened, they were going to get through it somehow. He wasn't going to let Luke down. He reclaimed his seat and allowed his hand to gently push some of Luke's hair off his face. The blond was leaning against the window, with his arms wrapped tightly around the bag Noah had given him to hold. The bag contained everything they would need in case an emergency such as this arose. There was plenty of cash, the box of letters from the post office, a few changes of clothes for both of them and Luke's medicines. Before too long it would be time for him to wake Luke up so that he could take his meds and drink some water. He also needed to find him something to eat…but that meant getting Luke to let go of the bag.

HE settled back in his chair and placed a gentle hand on Luke's shoulder. "Hey baby, I need you to wake up for me okay?" he said just loud enough for Luke to hear him.

"Okay," Luke said groggily as he sat up. His hair fell in his eyes and Noah's hand instinctively moved to smooth it away. "I think I need a haircut," Luke remarked with a yawn.

"I like your hair this length," Noah said playing with the blond strands idly. "Maybe we need to dye it too."

"You want to dye my hair?" Luke asked completely taken off guard by the suggestion.

"It may be the only way to disguise you," Noah explained, just in case your dad wasn't able to stall long enough."

"Okay," Luke said reluctantly. "I'll do whatever you think is best, Noah. Even though I kinda like my hair."

"I like your hair too," Noah chuckled. "And I don't want you to agree with me just because you think it's what I want. The hair thing is a suggestion, nothing more. If you prefer it this way then we won't change it. "Well get it trimmed and that's it, okay?"

"IT really is alright, Noah. I understand needing to change the color. IT may be exciting and fun, can we do it tomorrow?"

"We can do it when we figure out where we're going," Noah replied thoughtfully. "I mean I haven't quite figured out where to go once we reach Oakdale." 

"Well," Luke said tapping his finger to his lip, which to Noah was the cutest thing in the world. "My family has a cabin that no one uses. We could go there. It's in the mountains, and I remember how to get there. It's completely furnished and the staff always has stuff there. My grandma Lucinda insisted that the place always be stocked because we never knew when someone would need to use it."

"And what did they do with the food that would spoil?" Noah asked, completely fascinated by the info Luke was giving him.

"She fed the poor," Luke said like it was the most obvious answer. "I mean she donates it all to charity after a certain amount of time, that way it doesn't go to waste."

Noah was in awe of the man who sat beside him. His innocence was just…he didn't really have a word for it. "I love you," he said placing a hand on Luke's cheek. "I just want you to know that."

"But I didn't do anything?" Luke said a confused look spreading across his face. Noah smiled and pressed his forehead against Luke's before allowing their lips to touch briefly.

"You didn't have to do anything, Luke. I love you because you're you." Luke smiled, and Noah was glad that at least for a moment he could get his boyfriend's mind off what was happening. "Here," he said a few moments later. "IT's time for you to eat something and take your medicine." He took the bag from Luke long enough to pull out a granola bar, the pills and a bottle of water. It was warm, but it would do for Luke to take his medication.

""You have to eat too," Luke insisted handing Noah half the eaten granola bar. He took the proffered pills and drank them down with water. "I know this isn't how you wanted to spend our first Christmas Eve, Noah…but I'm glad I get to spend it with you just the same."

"Same here," Noah said softly as he smiled at his boyfriend. As the bus continued its' journey to the Midwest they talked about anything and everything they could think of. Luke told Noah stories about Christmas at the farm, and Noah shared some of his favorite movies to watch around the holidays. The plan was to watch some of those movies when they reached the cabin.

"I can't believe you just abandoned your DVD collection," Luke said thoughtfully. "I mean those movies are important to you."

"I can get the movies again, Luke. Getting you out of Oakdale was far more important at the time."

"Yeah, but VHS tapes are rare these days," Luke said wisely. "I'm just not sure if I am worth the sacrifices you have made."

"Let's see," Noah said placing his hands in front of him to represent a scale. "Replacing my VHS tapes and DVDs with new DVDs, A few thousand, right?" he asked looking to Luke for confirmation. His hand lifted slightly to show the weight, but his eyes focused solely on Luke. "And then there's spending time with you." His left hand rose higher tipping the scale causing Luke to giggle.

"You didn't say how much it would cost," Luke pointed out.

"You can't put a price on love."

"What's taking him so long?" Damian asked impatiently. He was pacing again, and Lily was close to telling him to take a seat. Holden had gone to search for Luke, who never returned from his earlier walk. "Your husband better not be playing me for a fool, Lily."

"Pacing is not going to bring Luke here any faster, Damian," Lily sighed and looked towards the kitchen. It seemed like hours ago that Holden had left through that door, in search of their son. She was afraid for Luke. He was out there, in a strange city all alone. Anything could happen, especially since he wasn't in his right mind.

The terrified look on his face had not been lost on her. She had wanted to pull him into her arms, but then he had closed the door in their faces. That stung…she didn't understand why her own son would be so afraid of her. She only wanted to help him.

"Well I am tired of just sitting here," Damian snapped. Lily bit back her retort and laughed inwardly. The man had been standing ever since Holden left the room. "I'm going to go look for Luciano myself. This is ridiculous."

"It wouldn't do any good," Holden informed them as he entered the house this time from the front.

"What do you mean," Lily asked, wringing her hands as she stood. She didn't like the concern she saw in her husband's weary eyes. "Holden?"

"I can't find him," Holden sighed. "He's not in the back, he's not on the path and he's not on the base anymore. No one has seen him." Lily's heart sank as she realized what that meant.

"Don't you dare stand there and pretend to be concerned," Holden said, taking Lily off guard with his anger. "If it weren't for you and that man," he pointed at Damian, "Luke never would've ran. You, who are supposed to love him, and want the best for him, sought to destroy him and take away his choices. So don't act like you care, when you are the reason he's gone."

They chose silence over chatter after awhile, Luke deciding to watch the scenery fly by outside his window, while Noah leafed through a book he had stowed away in the bag. Every now and again he would peek at his boyfriend, only to find the blond deep in thought. He wondered what he was thinking about, but he wasn't going to ask. Luke would tell him when the time was right.

"Noah?"

And it appeared that time had come. "Hmmm?" he said looking up from his book to meet Luke's curious gaze.

"Who told Mom and Damian where we were? Why would someone betray us like that?"

"I don't know, Luke," Noah said sadly. "I was actually wondering that myself."

"But the only person who knew where we were was your Sergeant friend, and he was a nice guy. I don't think he would have ratted us out…well me out. No one knows you are with me."

"You're right," Noah agreed as he turned over facts in his mind. Sergeant McClain wouldn't have told anyone where we were. And we didn't go out that often did we?"

"I didn't," Luke pointed out. "You and my dad were out a lot but no one would even know to look for you. Damian and my mom don't know you're with me…right?"

"Not unless Aaron told them," Noah mused. "And as angry as I am with your brother, I don't think he'd be that stupid."

"Well it doesn't matter anyway," Luke said softly. He went back to look out the window, only turning when he felt Noah's arm around his shoulders.

"You're right, Luke, it doesn't matter because what's done is done. We may never know who ratted you out, but we're safe now, and I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I promise."

Luke bit his lip and rested his head against Noah's shoulder and sighed contentedly as Noah held him close. "I know I'll be okay as long as I have you, Noah."

Noah settled his chin in Luke's hair as he held the blond close. He knew Luke was counting on him more than anything else…especially now. And he hoped to god he wouldn't let him down. That just wasn't an option.

They were arguing when they left the house; a man and a woman shouting insults at each other and paying no heed to where they were going. If they had been paying attention they would have noticed the dark figure watching them walk down the street. They would have seen him turning back towards the house as if expecting someone else to come out, and certainly they would have heard the curses as the man slipped behind the wheel of his car, his fingers drumming the dashboard in frustration. This wasn't necessarily how the plan was supposed to work.

He had looked for information about Luke on the internet, and had been highly surprised by what he found; the most pertinent piece of information being the missing persons report. He called in the anonymous tip in hopes of helping Damian and Lily and himself at the same time. He would get them their boy, and once that nuisance was out of the way, he'd be free to straighten out Noah. What he hadn't counted on was being outsmarted by his own son. If not for the fact that he was furious he would have been proud.


	25. Chapter 25

_December 25, 2007_

_Noah said it's Christmas day, and I am going to take his word for it. That's why I wrote the date down, but personally I don't remember. He told me about Christmas Eve too, but even that is a little sketchy. I think it's happened again, and I'm really scared because I don't know what to do. I lost my memory; not all of it, but there are definitely holes where information used to be. _

_Like I know why Noah and I ran, but I don't know who the cause of the why is. Did that make sense? I think I confused myself a little bit, but I will try to explain. I know that someone found us…or more importantly they found me. Noah got me away as fast as he could and I remember we were on a bus and it was a long bus ride. But that's all I remember. I don't recall what happened right before we ran, nor do I remember who found us. I feel like I should know, and I asked Noah not to tell me; I think that telling me will only make it worse. The last time I forgot, Noah let me remember on my own and he gave me hints. This time I think I need to let the memories find their way back._

"_I also know that Noah and I did something that had to do with his past. We went somewhere, after Thanksgiving, and I know it was very important, but that memory is gone too. I really hate this, I don't know why my thoughts keep going away but I wish they would stop. I hate this part of whatever is wrong with my brain. Noah says that the fact that I am aware of the memory loss says a lot to my recovery. Of course there's also the fact that I didn't forget Noah, which seems to be the only constant in all of this._

"_I just wish I understood why this was happening. It's very random, and I never know when it's going to happen. Well…maybe that's not completely true. I think on some level I do know, and it scares me. It's like my brain is trying to protect me from too much trauma, and while it does that it erases things that really shouldn't be gone. Maybe erasing is too harsh a term. The memories aren't gone, they're just temporarily misplaced…lost. It's like my mind is playing hide and seek with me and quite frankly I wish it would stop._

_I started writing in a new journal too. Noah gave it to me when we got here. I'm not sure where the other one is, but I am sad that I lost it. This one is nice too though, and it has a nice message on the front. It says do one thing every day that scares you. Noah figures that if it could work for Eleanor Roosevelt then it can work for me…and I think I agree with him. So from today on I am going to try to do something every day that frightens me and I will write about it. _

_I'm actually working on my first fear right now. No matter how hard I try not to be, I am always scared when Noah is away from me for too long. Right now he's getting some things together, and he had to go into town. He told me to stay here because he didn't want me to be seen. So I am alone in the cabin trying not to worry about him. I know he's coming back, and I am certain he won't get caught. He's not the one on the run really. He said no one knows he is with me…so there's nothing to be scared of…right?_

"Luke," Noah called as the door opened and slammed against the wall. "Can you come help me with the bags?"

"You have a lot of bags?" Luke asked even as he set his book and pen on the table. Noah poked his head into the house and kissed Luke on the lips.

"We're going to be here for awhile" he explained. He handed Luke a bag of groceries before ducking outside again. Luke peeked in the bag as he carried it into the kitchen. He was pleasantly surprised to see that the bag was full of his favorite food items. "Luke," Noah called from the living room, "less looking and more picking up bags, Love."

"Did you buy out the whole store?" Luke asked taking more bags into his hands.

"Ah the man doth have a sense of humor," Noah teased. "I know how apprehensive you are about the outside, especially now that we are here in Oakdale," he explained as he and Luke brought in the rest of the bags. "I figured we don't have to leave the house so much, and you can recover at your own pace. I got food, clothes, drinks, books and music and DVDS too. Plus I brought the letters so you can feel close to your dad. I know you're going to miss him."

"I already do," Luke admitted. He was glad that Noah seemed to have thought of everything, he certainly wasn't sure what he would have done without him to help him out. "Can you at least tell me if I said good bye to Dad before we left?" He asked biting his lip as he waited for Noah's response.

"Yes, Luke. You gave him a hug as if you knew we wouldn't see him for a while. Don't worry; he has the Christmas Angel to keep him safe."

"Okay…as long as he knows I love him then it will be alright."

"He knows," Noah reassured him. "Come on let's get this stuff put away so we can watch the movies. Oh and I got the Hair dye too, we'll mess around with your hair tomorrow." They spent the next hour getting things organized and situated in the cabin. Noah had even managed to snag a few decorations so they could make the cabin look like Christmas. Luke felt a little more at ease once they settled down in front of the TV to watch it's a Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34rh Street.

When the movies were over Noah insisted that Luke come into the kitchen with him so they could prepare their Christmas dinner together. "You want me to help you cook?" Luke asked as if it were the strangest request ever made.

"I want to teach you how to cook," Noah corrected as he pulled out ingredients for their meal. "I'll just start you off with something simple and easy. Here," he placed a cutting board in front of his boyfriend and handed him a tomato, an onion and some celery. "Start with that and we'll see what we can come up with okay?"

Luke didn't want to show it, but the prospect of cooking with Noah really made him happy. He wasn't certain if this was the reaction he should be having to the task but he liked it. He washed his hands and washed off the vegetables all the while watching Noah move around the kitchen looking in cupboards and tinkering with the stove and oven settings.

Once all the vegetables were chopped, Noah showed him how to prepare the chicken and the potatoes. He was a quick learner having watched his grandmother Emma cook from time to time on the farm, but there was something extra special about learning it from Noah. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but they seemed to work very well together.

He was especially fascinated when their fingers touched briefly while he passed Noah the salt for the potatoes. They had touched each other plenty of times before, but there was something intimate about the brushing of fingers this time. Luke wondered if it was because of their growing feelings for each other or if it was something much more tangible than that. There was so much he wanted to know and learn about his boyfriend and this thing they had between them. He was really starting to wonder why there were people out there who thought what he was feeling was wrong. There just didn't seem to be anything wrong with it at all. Spending time with Noah, and having these feelings for him just felt so right. He felt a connection to Noah that he had never felt before with anyone and it was a feeling he didn't want to lose.

They had roasted chicken with garlic and herbs for dinner along with whipped mashed potatoes and fresh green beans. There was chocolate cake for dessert and they had made an apple pie to share later. After dinner they settled on the couch to watch more Christmas movies. Noah had his arm around Luke who was fingering the chain around his neck as he watched George Bailey's life unfold onscreen.

"WE should do this every Christmas," he said softly as he rested his head against Noah's shoulder." Noah smiled and wrapped his arm tighter around Luke as the blond looked up at him with those brown-green eyes full of wonder.

"I would like that," Noah said simply bending down to place a soft kiss on Luke's lips. "We can have as many traditions as you would like, as long as I get to have you to myself on Christmas night."

"That depends on how you mean that," Luke said blushing even as he hid his head in Noah's shoulder.

Noah shook his head and kissed Luke's hair, before placing his chin in the silky strands. Tomorrow they would work on changing Luke's hair color but for right now they could just relax and enjoy each other's company. Noah hoped that Luke's memories would return, and he was determined to keep his promise. There would be no more running.

"You want to make my hair short and black?" Luke asked a frown on his face as he looked at himself in the mirror. "I don't know if I want it short again, Noah." He said turning to face his boyfriend. "I liked growing it back out." 

"Your hair seems to grow pretty quickly," Noah commented as he allowed his fingers to touch the blond strands. "I won't cut off a lot, but I think we should make it a little shorter, and hopefully we won't have to dye it too many times."

Luke turned to look in the mirror one more time, trying to picture himself with a different hair color and hair style. It wasn't as if he had never changed his hair…but this was a drastic change and he didn't want to mess up. "Okay, Noah," he said turning to face those blue eyes again. "I'll do it…I trust you."

Noah smiled and pulled Luke into a hug, burying his face into Luke's thick blond hair. He was going to hate this just as much as Luke was. He loved Luke's hair, but he could admit that he was looking forward to running his fingers through it as he prepared it to be colored.

"Okay," he said pulling out of the embrace completely. "Let's get this over with." He took Luke's hand and led him to the kitchen where everything they would need was already set out. Luke eyed the pair of scissors he saw on the table and gulped. He trusted Noah, but he just knew the minute the scissors snipped at his hair he was going to cry.

_December 26, 2007_

_This year is almost over and I'm glad about that. It has been a very crazy year for me, and the sad part is I don't even remember all of it. Its funny how sometimes we take memories for granted. If I learned anything this year it's that the memory is a very fragile thing. Actually even more then that, the mind is delicate, and when your parents tell you that it's a terrible thing to waste you should actually listen to them. Noah says I am not stupid, but sometimes I feel like I am. I feel like a lot of the stuff I used to know is gone, and my cognitive skills are lacking. Well I guess I can't be too dense…I know what the word cognitive means._

_So I get to start the New Year off as a brunet instead of a blond. The coloring experiment was successful and Noah was very careful when he cut my hair. I acted like a big baby as if I have never had a haircut in my entire life. But I couldn't help it; the last time I had my hair cut it was part of camp policy and I had no choice. My head was completely shaved so they could put the electrodes on with no problem. _

_I wasn't too scared when Noah used the scissors though. I knew he wasn't going to shave off all my hair. Considering we had just dyed it and all. Noah said it looks really good, but I have been afraid to look. What if Noah is just sugarcoating and trying to make me feel better? I know that's irrational, my boyfriend has never lied to me before so why would he start, especially about something like this? _

_I like the sound of the word boyfriend. For a long time that word was part of a dream I never thought would come true. IT was the word I was supposed to strike from my vocabulary all together. I had to replace it with girlfriend. If the word boy came out of my mouth at all I was penalized. Now doesn't that seem silly? You could get in trouble for just saying Oh boy because it could be taken as an act of defiance. I can remember thinking that was really stupid…but it was the rules._

_I know I veered totally off topic there, but I had a point. I didn't think I would ever know what it was like to love someone who loved me for me. I wanted that so badly, the fact that I couldn't have it depressed me a lot. I just wanted someone to think the world of me. I mean, I know my parents love me…well my Dad does. Sometimes I wonder about Mom, but I still love her so much. But I know they care, my whole family does, but it's not the same thing. _

_I guess what I always wanted was someone who would want me first and only me. I think I've found that with Noah, and when I think of the word boyfriend I smile and count myself as one of the lucky ones. With Noah feel all those special things one is supposed to feel. They are there even if I don't completely understand them just yet. Noah makes me smile, he makes me laugh, and he makes me happy. That's a big part of it too. I am the happiest I have been in a long time and that is definitely thanks to Noah._

_I just hope he doesn't get tired of me, and that is a very sobering thought. It's no secret that he put his life on hold for me. He gave up his freedom to help me keep mine. He has sacrificed so much and he doesn't seem to care, yet the thought of losing him is a real fear, one I know I need to overcome. That is too soon to try today though. I think today's fear has to be something simpler…something small. I guess I could go look at my hair…that will be my test for the day. _

Luke put the book and the pen on the table and picked up the mirror Noah had set on the couch just in case. He held it in front of him and gasped at the pair of brown eyes that were staring back at him. He barely recognized himself with the soft brown hair that fell in his eyes. His hair fell around his head in waves, and he had to admit he did look different.

"See, it's not so bad," Noah said coming up behind him. Luke felt Noah's hand on his shoulder and he turned slightly to look at him.

"Would you still recognize me, Noah? If you saw me for the first time after I dyed my hair?"

Noah smiled at him as he allowed his fingers to run through the newly dyed locks. "I have memorized your every feature, from the green flecks in your eyes to the dimples in your cheeks and the freckles on your nose right here," he allowed his finger tip to caress Luke's nose gently. "I would know you no matter what color your hair is because I love you."

Luke beamed and turned his attention back to the mirror. Soon there were two faces reflected in the glass as Noah knelt down and rested his chin on Luke's shoulder. They sat like that for a long moment before Luke turned slightly to kiss Noah on the cheek. Noah took the mirror away from his boyfriend and wrapped his arms around him instead. Luke felt cool air moments later when Noah moved, but he soon returned and reclaimed his position. He kissed Luke's cheek and pressed their faces together as he held out a camera to take a picture.

_December 27, 2007_

_I'm trying to write in this thing every day just to keep a record of our first week here, or maybe even our first month. Right now things are okay, Noah settling in nicely and he really did get everything we could possibly need for the winter. I don't know how long we are going to be here, but I am safe and that is the important thing right now._

_I still haven't regained my memories of what happened before we left Georgia and I wonder if I am hindering my progress somehow. I think that I'm not allowing my mind to access the memories because I am afraid of them. I think that is the fear I need to face for the next few days. Especially since it is the only way I will be able to move forward. Noah thinks I need to relax and he is probably right. He hasn't been wrong when it comes to me so I trust him, and I know no matter what he does it is in my best interest._

_I miss my dad. I want to ask Noah if it would be okay to call him or something. I just want to know he's okay. I know he can take care of himself, he's one of the bravest people I know…but Mom and Damian were probably very upset with him when they realized I was gone. I don't think Mom would let anyone hurt Dad, but it still concerns me. I wonder how Abby and Aaron are doing as well. I miss everybody and it sucks to be shut off from family. I feel like Anne Frank hiding away from the world. I know that is a little too dramatic but it's how I feel, down to the fact that I'm writing in my new journal every day just like she kept up her diary until the family was caught._

_But okay…I veered off topic. I seem to do that a lot, but I think it's just because I have a lot to say. For a long time I wasn't able to speak so now that I can, I want to get the words out and I need to talk. If Noah were here I would talk to him, but he went into town for a bit. He said something about getting us something special to bring in the New Year with. I'm just glad I can spend New Years with him, and I hope that can be the case for the rest of our lives. _

_I know some may think it's not healthy that I have latched on to Noah the way I have. Even I worry about it sometimes, because I don't want to completely lose myself. And I don't' want Noah to lose who he is either. It just feels so right to be this close to him all the time. He just got back from the store so I am going to stop writing for now. I want to ask him about calling Dad._

Noah was on the phone when Luke entered the kitchen, and he wondered who his boyfriend could be talking too. He settled down on a stool and watched as Noah put things into the cabinets, all the while giving one word answers to whomever he was speaking with on the phone.

"Actually he just walked in," Noah said catching Luke's attention completely. He wondered who Noah could be talking to about him. His mind and his heart started speeding up fast, even though he knew that Noah wouldn't do anything that would put him in danger. "Would you like to talk to him? I have a feeling he misses you a lot." 

"Noah," Luke asked as his boyfriend walked over to him. "Who are you talking to?"

"Find out for yourself," Noah answered his blue eyes sparkling as he handed Luke the phone.

Luke hesitated for a moment before taking the phone into his hands. "Hello?" he said tentatively. A soft smile crossed his lips as he listened to the voice on the other end. "I miss you, Dad."

"I miss you too, Kiddo. How are things going?"

"Okay. I'm sorry you couldn't come with us," Luke said as his finger traced lines on the counter. "Noah didn't tell you where we were did he?"

"_No, and that's probably for the best. Just take care of each other okay? Noah needs you as much as you need him."_

"_Okay, Dad," Luke said sadly. "I'll take care of Noah, and I'll get better so I can see you again. I love you."_

"_I love you too, Sport. I've gotta run. I'll try to find a way to keep in touch, but just in case I don't get to, know I'm thinking about you."_

"_Okay…Bye Dad."_

Luke handed the phone back to Noah and continued to trace his fingers on the counter until he felt Noah's arms encircle his waist. "Are you okay?"

Luke turned to hug his boyfriend and rested his head against his chest. "How did you know I was thinking about him today? Thank you for getting him to call."

Noah kissed the top of Luke's head before resting his chin in his hair. "I just knew," he said as his hand ran up and down Luke's back. "You're more than welcome."

Luke was writing in his journal when Noah entered the living room with a box in one hand and his new laptop in the other. "What are you doing?" He asked as Noah settled down on the couch and set the letters in between them.

"More research," Noah explained. "I want to continue gathering information about the camp. And in the meantime I figured it would be a good idea to go through the letters. They may help you feel closer to your dad, plus you can understand how hard this has been for him too."

Luke opened the box of letters and leafed through them. They were all thick bulky letters. Such a stark contrast to the ones he actually received. He could admit that he wanted to read them, but he didn't want to do it alone. "Would you read them with me?" he asked looking up at his boyfriend.

"If you want me to, Luke. How much of your world are you willing to share with me?"

Luke looked down at the box before handing it to Noah, locking their gazes as their fingers touched. "All of it."

Noah smiled and leaned forward to kiss Luke softly on the lips. "We can read the letters starting tomorrow," he said as he leaned back and focused on the computer again.

"Tomorrow is going to be like a fresh start right?" Luke asked as he watched Noah closely. A new year and a new adventure for the two of us."

"That is a good way to look at it," Noah agreed. "So much has happened this year, Luke, and I want you to know that no matter what 2008 has in store for us you're always going to be able to count on me."

"If I ever forget will you remind me?" Luke asked his expression serious. Over the past few days he tried to fill the black holes in his memory but nothing seemed to help. He was grateful that he remembered Noah, this time. He was just scared that someday that wouldn't be an option for him.

Noah placed the computer down and turned to place his hands on Luke's cheeks. He brought their foreheads together, and Luke completed the embrace by placing his hands on Noah's wrists.

"I promise not to give up on you even if you don't remember my name. I love you, Luke and I will remind you of that for every day of the rest of our lives."


	26. Chapter 26

There was something magical about the relationship between a father and his son. It was something that was inexplicable, something very distinct and something very real. Some were lucky enough to find that special something more than once. Others weren't lucky enough to experience it at all. The bond between fathers and sons was special, at least Holden thought so. He felt like the luckiest man in the world to have three great sons. One who was more like him then he was willing to admit. And another who was too small to fully appreciate the relationship just yet. And then there was the other who was his son in every way that counted. He had always known, from the moment that he looked into those small brown eyes, that his relationship with Luke would be special.

Through the years he and Luke had been through a lot together. He had helped Luke get through the tonsils, the Measles and the fevers. He helped keep Luke's spirits up when they were trapped together in the dark. Holden was there for all the skinned knees and the broken bones. He never missed a little league game, and he cheered his son on for every report card and encouraged his imagination and his love of farming. Holden was still there when riding horses was sidestepped just a little for junior varsity basketball. Luke was growing up, but no matter what, he was always the farm boy with the heart of gold. Holden couldn't have been more proud if he tried.

They had their hardships too, and they were better for them. While Holden had been there for the important moments in Luke's life, Luke had seen his fair share of his parents' ups and downs too. He witnessed the break-ups and the make-ups. He was around for the affairs and the attempted reconciliations. Luke rebelled big time when he hit his teens, but still Holden didn't give up on him. They understood each other on a level that even they didn't fully comprehend. It was just how things were meant to be.

That was part of the reason why this last year had been so hard on him. It had hurt to be so distant from Luke. And it hurt even more that his son had felt he couldn't confide in him about something as personal as his drinking. Holden had spent a lot of time over the past year trying to figure out why Luke had felt the need to go to Damian about it instead of coming to him.

OF course all of that was before he learned where his son was. He was certain that Luke never would have agreed to go to such a place on his own. Luke had been so scared to reveal his true self, there was no amount of convincing that would lead him to believe his son suddenly changed his mind. Holden admittedly hadn't been paying much attention after Lily fell down the stairs, but he never meant to make Luke think he was to blame for that. He loved his son unconditionally, and he was grateful that over the past few months he had been able to prove it.

He could remember pretty clearly the day Noah had told him that he would run with Luke if he had to. Holden had been hoping that day would never come, but in his heart he knew it to be a possibility. There was no way that Damian and Lily would stop searching for Luke. As they proved, their intentions were still the same as they had been that day in the hospital. They were convinced that Luke needed surgery, and they were determined to see that he got it, at any cost.

They proved this by taking off for Savannah the moment they realized that Luke was no longer with Holden. Their thought was that Luke couldn't have gone very far, and he certainly couldn't have left the state. It was obvious that they didn't know their son very well at all. After all, he had somehow managed to find his way back to Oakdale. And he wasn't necessarily in the best shape when he made that trip. Holden had tried to convince them that Luke was more than capable of knowing what he wanted, but they would have none of his explanations. They insisted that they had to find him, and so Savannah was their first stop.

He had purposely waited a couple of days before he tried to contact the boys. He had been relieved to hear Noah's voice, and was grateful for the chance to talk to Luke as well. He was concerned that his son seemed so happy, yet so sad at the same time. It was enough for him that he had gotten to hear his voice. Holden was satisfied that Luke would be okay in Noah's hands, no matter where they were. He completely trusted Noah with his son's life and well-being.

Lily had a lot on her mind as the bus pulled into the Savannah bus station. Her husband had said a lot of things that got her to thinking. Holden seemed convinced that Luke was okay. He was adamant about the fact that Luke didn't need surgery, and if she was honest with herself she knew that Holden wouldn't endanger Luke's life in anyway. If there was one thing she knew about her husband, it was that he loved Luke more than life itself. She was well aware of the bond Holden shared with her eldest son.

"What are you thinking about Cara," Damian asked using the nickname he had given her years before, when they were married.

Lily sighed and looked at her ex-husband as they followed the people off the bus. She didn't really know how to explain the thoughts running through her mind. Damian was convinced that Luke did need the operation. His stance was that the doctor wouldn't have suggested it if it weren't necessary. If she listened to her ex-husband, Holden was in the wrong and never should have taken Luke away from Oakdale. Damian didn't believe Holden's story about Luke being okay. Of course Damian didn't know Holden the way Lily did. He wouldn't lie about something as important as Luke's welfare. That just wasn't his way. In fact that was more Damian's style.

Thus the reason she was still silent as they climbed into the back of a limousine. Damian instructed the chauffer to drive them around Savannah, keeping his eye out for a blond of medium build most likely carrying a backpack or an overnight bag. Luke couldn't have gone far, especially not on foot; but hadn't he found his own way back to Oakdale after he left Kreiger? That had to count for something didn't it?

"You haven't answered my question," Damian's voice pulled her out of her thoughts. "What are you thinking about?"

"Is that him?" Lily asked as they spotted a blond who looked to be the same height as their son. "Stop the car," she said even as her hand was already poised to open the door when the car came to a stop. She ran up to the young man who looked weary and tired, his backpack hanging haphazardly on his back. "Luke, wait," she said grabbing the boy's shoulder to spin him around.

The boy looked at her with wide green eyes and her heart sunk. "Is there something I can help you with Miss?" he asked bewildered as he looked from her to Damian who stepped up beside her.

"He looks just like him," Lily said still caught up in her daze. The eyes are different, and the accent, but it…it looks just like Luke."

"My name is Luke," the boy said confused as he backed away. "I didn't do anything wrong, I swear. You won't tell my parents where I am will ya?"

"How old are you boy?"

"Seventeen." The boy answered quickly.

"You're lying," Damian said grabbing the boy by the arms. "How old are you, and why are you wearing green contacts."

"I…I don't' wear contacts sir, please let me go. "

"Damian," Lily called placing her hand on her ex-husband's arm. "Let him go. It's not Luke."

Reluctantly Damian let go of the boy and he turned and ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction. Lily sighed, wishing that she could have held the boy in her arms for a long moment. He seemed so lost, and so scared. And it was pretty obvious that he was running away from home. She said a silent prayer for him before turning to pound Damian's stomach with her fists.

"Are you crazy? You idiot. Don't you ever do something that stupid again. What if he went to get the police? How did you expect to explain yourself then, Damian?"

Damian captured her wrists in his hands to stop her assault and glared down at her. "You cannot run after every boy who resembles our son, Cara."

"I'm not the one who practically attacked that boy," Lily raged, pulling her hands away from Damian so she could examine her wrists. "He looked just like him, Damian. I'm just worried about our son. He has to be so lost and alone right now."

"Don't worry, we will find him. He couldn't have gotten far with no money. Eventually he will have to stop and we will be ready for him when he does."

They spent the day searching all over Savannah with no luck. Luke was nowhere to be found, and no one recognized the picture Lily carried around in her wallet. For all intents and purposes Luke had vanished…at least he wasn't in the City of Savannah. Damian decided that they needed to have the police search the entire state of Georgia. If they were going to find him, they would need to make sure that anyone fitting Luke's description didn't leave the state.

Lily called Holden to let him know what was going on. She explained that they were going to get the police involved and that she would keep him up to date. Holden thanked her and expressed his hope for the safe return of their son. He also begged her to reconsider their plan to put Luke through another surgery. Holden knew his son, he didn't want nor did he need surgery, but Lily was adamant and nothing Holden said seemed to be changing her mind.

"Did you see him before he closed the door in your face?" Holden asked one last time. "Did he look incompetent to you?"

"I didn't get a good look at him, Holden. He closed the door so fast."

"But just the fact that he did that says something to me," Holden countered. "He is very aware of what's going on and he's scared of you because you want them to cut him open. It's not what he wants, Lily."

Holden could hear Damian in the background and he sighed. Talking to Lily with that man around was like beating a dead horse, and he had more important things to focus on. "Look, you do what you feel you need to do, and I'll keep a look out for him to see if he will come back here. Just think about what I said, okay?"

He heard her promise to think about it, and he told her he loved her before she had to get off the phone. Holden sighed and placed his cell phone in his pocket. Lily and Damian would be preoccupied with their search for quite a while, which meant for the moment that Luke and Noah were safe, and he could head on home. He was sure everyone was worried sick about him and Luke, and he needed to fill them all in on what was going on. Besides that he missed his kids, and he couldn't wait to see them again.

It was them he was thinking about as he checked his bags one last time. He didn't leave anything to chance in the small house he had shared with Luke and Noah for two months. By the time he finished packing things up there wasn't a trace of them in sight. He had Luke's journal tucked away in his bag along with some other things his son and Noah had left behind in their hurry. Anything they didn't need he was going to drop off at a shelter on his way out of town. He also had a thank you note sent to Sgt. McClain, letting him know that he appreciated all he had done. He left no forwarding address; it was too risky at this juncture. The only thing that mattered now was that Holden was on his way home, and he couldn't wait to get there.

The snow showed no signs of stopping as Faith stood in the doorway watching it fall. It had been four months since she last saw her father, her brother and Noah. Her mother was gone too, but it was the boys that she missed the most. She was worried about them, and she was hoping against hope that they were actually all together. Every day for the past four months she had hoped to hear about her dad or her brother. Any word that they were okay would have sufficed. Noah's disappearance bothered her too. She had liked having Noah around. He was like another big brother that she could count on, and she didn't really believe that he would just check out like that. Luke's disappearance concerned her the most though. He had just returned home, and now he was gone again.

From what Faith could gather there was something wrong with Luke. She wasn't sure what it was, but everyone seemed to think that he was damaged somehow. Faith had noticed that he looked sadder than he had when he left, but she didn't think anything was wrong otherwise. She just wanted her brother back…she missed him, and she wanted to tell him she loved him. She didn't get a chance to do that while he was in the hospital. There were so many questions, and she wished that she had the answers, but she didn't. For now all she could do was watch over her brother and sister. She knew her dad would want her to do that.

In October her mother ran off with Damian. She just dropped everything like a bad habit and left. Her actions confused Faith, and she wanted to know what was going on there too. Everything seemed like some big secret and frankly she was tired of it. This was her family too, and she was old enough to be included in the loop.

She turned away from the window to watch her grandmother feed her baby brother. Ethan and Natalie didn't really know what was going on, and Faith thought that was for the best. Natalie knew Luke was gone again, and she knew that Noah was gone too…but Faith had explained it away; as if they had gone on some kind of extended vacation. She didn't want Natalie to think that Noah would just leave her…he wouldn't do that. If Faith was certain of anything it was that.

"Faith, Honey come away from the door before you catch y our death of cold," Emma's voice reached her ears and she turned making sure to close the door behind her. "I'm afraid we're in for a major snowstorm," Emma continued as Faith joined the rest of her family at the table. "Hopefully no one is trying to travel in this weather."

"Daddy's out there somewhere," Faith said seriously as her eyes moved towards the window. When she was younger Luke and their father would count snowflakes with her. It was just a silly game, and she knew they just did it to distract her most times, but right now she really missed it. They would wait for that first snowflake and then spend hours seeing how many they could count. Luke always seemed to count the most, and their father most times would just watch the two of them with a big smile on his face. She would give anything to have moments like that again. Everything was different now and she knew exactly when things had changed. It was when Luke had admitted that he liked boys.

Faith thought it was cool that her brother liked guys. To her it meant something else they could do together; look at cute boys and wrinkle their noses at the not so nice ones. Noah was nice to talk to for the same reasons. She didn't care that they liked guys, they were still brothers to her and she considered them friends as well. However it seemed evident that everyone didn't agree with that. She knew that Luke and their mother had argued prior to Luke leaving to go to rehab. She also knew that Luke's biological father was hanging around a lot. She didn't particularly like him, and she hated that right this second he and her mother were together somewhere. Faith understood far more than people gave her credit for, and she knew that somehow her father disappearing and Luke and Noah disappearing were somehow linked. She just wished someone would give her some answers.

Emma was all set to reply to Faith's comment when she heard the door to the porch open. Her hand went to her chest as she stood; ready to protect the kids if necessary. Faith's eyes were trained on the door as well, and she hoped against hope that the person who walked through that door would be.-.

"Daddy?" she yelled as the man stepped into the kitchen. She ran to him immediately, not caring that he was wet from the snow. She felt instant comfort and warmth when his arms wrapped around her and she held on tight as if letting go meant he would disappear.

"Daddy," Natalie squealed and came to get her hug as well. Holden held out his other arm for his baby girl and tangled his fingers in her silky blond hair.

"I missed you girls so much," he said hugging them close once more before letting them go. He greeted Ethan in much the same fashion, taking him out of the high chair and proceeding to blow raspberries at him. Faith smiled, happy that her dad was finally back, but she was well aware of who wasn't there.

"Holden, where are the boys?" Emma spoke up catching Holden's attention. He set his son back into the high chair and turned to face his mother. "Is Our Luke alright?"

"Luke's fine," Holden confided as he shrugged out of his coat and settled into a chair to take off his boots. Emma immediately went to put on the kettle for tea, and spooned some beef stew into a bowl and placed it in front of her son. "Thanks, Mama," Holden said gratefully. He started in on the soup, wanting to warm himself up before explaining what was going on. He knew that his mama and his daughter would both want the information. They weren't going to rest easy until they were certain that things were alright.

Faith watched her dad eat for a moment before picking up her little brother and ushering her sister out of the room. She knew her father would be more comfortable speaking if the younger kids were out of sight. She only hoped that he didn't try to send her away too. She wanted to be a part of the conversation.

"We were in California, but you know that part," Holden explained as Faith reentered the kitchen. "You were aware that Luke was with me, but Noah was there as well. He has been with us the whole time. He only said otherwise to throw Damian off the trail."

"So is Noah with Luke now, Daddy?" Faith asked hopefully? When will we be able to see them? Where are they?"

"I honestly don't know where they are sweetheart. I did talk to both of them right before the New Year. They are doing as well as can be expected. Noah is doing what he can to take care of Luke, and he's trying to help him recover." Holden eyed his daughter carefully. He knew Faith would have questions about that, but he also thought she was old enough to understand what was going on.

"What is he recovering from? I don't understand," Faith frowned. "I mean, if he was really sick you wouldn't have taken him from the hospital right?"

"You're right about that," Holden said, his voice almost drowned out by the whistling kettle. Emma stood and prepared a cup of tea for her son before settling down at the table again to listen to his story. "Noah and I took Luke out of the hospital because he wasn't getting any better there. We were in California for a few weeks and then we went to Georgia."

"And how is Luke?" Emma asked again. "We've been so worried."

Holden sighed and took a sip of his tea, allowing the hot liquid to warm him up even more. "That's a long story, and for now I am going to give you the condensed version."

"You aren't going to make me leave the room are you?" Faith asked frowning.

"No Faith, I think you are old enough to hear this. Luke wasn't sent to Rehab last year like we thought."

"Where was he then?" Emma asked, her hands clutching at her sweater pulling it closer to her as she focused on her son.

"Do you remember that camp that Lily wanted to send him to?" Holden quizzed. Emma nodded. "Luke was there. A lot of things happened there, Mama that I can't even begin to explain. And truthfully it's not my story to tell. Just know that Luke is safe, Noah is taking care of him and when it is meant for us to know where he is we will know."


	27. Chapter 27

J_anuary 1, 2008_

_We've been back in Oakdale now for exactly a week. I thought it would be a good idea if I kept a log on Luke's progress so that when the time comes we can have documented proof of what he went through. Luke is writing in his journal every day, and I am hoping Holden has his other journal too…it's pretty obvious to me that he has made progress but I fear that the battle is far from over._

_Right now he is still sleeping, which by this point is unusual for Luke. He is usually if not always up before me talking or writing about something. I don't know if I have reason to be concerned, but I am. He was very worried last night about forgetting things. And his memory hasn't returned as quickly as it did the last time he had a relapse. I've been looking up things on the computer while he sleeps, trying to read up on any articles pertaining to brain injuries and the after effects of electroshock therapy. Some of the effects are long term, and some remain dormant until something significant brings them to the surface._

_I no longer think it's a good idea to spring people on Luke. It seems to over-stimulate his brain to the point where he forgets things or events. Or, in the case of this last time, where he remembered that something happened but couldn't quite place the people involved. This memory loss frightens him, and I have to admit that it scares me too. I didn't realize that the damage all this excess running has caused until now. I am more certain than ever that we can't run anymore. I can't risk Luke losing any more memories, and I really hope that I'm not doing him a disservice by allowing him to sleep._

_We're going to read the letters from Holden today. I can only hope that hearing his father's words will bring Luke some comfort. It has taken a long time for him to begin to trust Holden again. That at least hasn't seemed to change. He misses his Dad a lot, and I'm hoping that one day soon I'll be able to tell Holden where we are so that Luke can see him again. He's starting to wake up now, so I will cut this short…it's time to get him to take his medicine and eat._

Noah saved his entry and turned just as Luke lifted his head off the pillow. He watched as Luke sat up and stretched before rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "Good morning sleepy head?" he said even as he moved to sit on the bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I want to go back to sleep," Luke admitted sadly. "I don't know what's wrong with me, Noah. I was fine yesterday. Did I sleep the day away?"

"Just the morning," Noah smiled softly. "I'm going to make you breakfast though. Are you going to be okay getting yourself ready?"

Luke nodded and pulled back the covers so he could slip out of bed. He stood and tried to get his balance.

"Whoa," Noah said reaching out to guide him back down to the bed. "Are you okay?" Luke looked up at him sadly and Noah frowned. Those brown eyes looked more tired than usual and almost glassy.

"I don't feel good," Luke groaned even as he tried to get up again.

"Oh no you don't. I think you need to stay in bed today." Noah's frown deepened as he helped his boyfriend cover up. "I'm going to make you something to eat, see if that helps…but you are spending the day in bed."

"I don't want to be sick, Noah."

"I know. I'm going to take care of you though…and we can read the letters in here. I'll read to you."

"Okay," Luke said weakly. Noah waited to make sure he was breathing easily before going to fix something light for him to eat. Luke was asleep again when he returned, but he left the bowl of dry cereal by the bed so he could eat it when he woke up again. With a sigh Noah felt Luke's forehead to see if he had a fever. He was slightly warm, but it wasn't anything critical. Still Noah was determined to keep an eye on him, checking each hour to make sure he was okay.

"I'm sorry Noah," Luke's voice sounded weak as Noah wiped the cool cloth over his forehead. "I didn't mean to ruin our day."

"I don't think you planned on getting sick, Luke," Noah said as he helped his boyfriend to sit up. It was mid-afternoon now and Luke still seemed a little weak. He had a slight fever and he still hadn't eaten anything. Noah was going to try to change that momentarily. First he wanted to make him comfortable. "You need a lot of rest, and we have everything here that I need to take care of you, so don't worry. Do you want me to read the letters to you today?"

"Yes please."

Noah kissed Luke's warm forehead and went to make some soup for them to share. Once he was set with food he grabbed the box of letters and joined Luke in bed. Luke had the blankets wrapped around him completely and Noah checked his temperature once more before he started feeding him the soup. Luke only ate a few spoonfuls and Noah was grateful that he was at least keeping it down.

"We're going to start from the beginning with the letters okay?" He said once they had finished with Lunch. Luke nodded as Noah put his arm around him. Luke rested his head on Noah's shoulder and started at the letter as Noah began to read.

_August 4, 2006_

_Dear Luke,_

_It's only been a few days but I miss you, and so do the girls. I'm sorry that I didn't get to see you before you left for the clinic. I want you to know though that I am very proud of you for taking this step. It was a very responsible thing to do, and I am sure you will be better for it._

_Okay now that the pleasantries are out of the way I wanted to make sure you knew something. I don't blame you for what happened to your mom, Kiddo. I know it was an accident. You were upset and you wanted your mom to stay away and I am willing to bed that your hand never actually touched her. I wish I could have told you this before but I was so concerned about your mom and the baby…I didn't even stop to think about how you were feeling. I apologize wholeheartedly for that._

_Speaking of which, you have a new baby brother. His name is Ethan Walsh Snyder. I found the name on the list your mom made a while ago. I want you to be his Godfather, Luke. I just know that you would take good care of him if anything were to happen to me. We're going to hold off the christening ceremony until you come back, so that you can meet your baby brother and become his godfather. I hope these letters will bring you some comfort, Son. Looking forward to hearing from you._

_Love Dad._

_"_He wants me to be Ethan's godfather?" Luke asked lifting his head from Noah's shoulder to look at him.

"Yep that's what it says," Noah smiled. "I'm not surprised; I bet you would be great godfather."

"Ethan doesn't know me though." Luke frowned.

"But he will," Noah assured him. "You're going to get better and soon enough you will be back with your family. Your brother is going to love you. Maybe not as much as I do but it will be pretty close."

Noah was glad to see that his words made Luke smile. That had been the reaction he was going for. He kissed his boyfriend on the forehead and pulled a random letter out of the box. Even without looking he had a feeling the first few letters were somewhat the same. Holden had written to Luke every day about what was going on at home, and always praised him for doing a good job at rehab.

_October 25, 2006_

_Hey son_

_You are starting to worry me. It's been a while since I have heard anything from you. I am especially concerned because your last letter seemed…I don't know a little off. I would like to think that I know you well enough to know your writing patterns. You are a gifted writer, and if I haven't told you how proud I am of you for that then I will do it now. I feel honored to have you for a son, and I realize that more and more every day. Especially now that you aren't here. It's true what they say, you don't' know what you have until it's not there._

_I am looking forward to the day when you can come home. Hopefully you will be home for Christmas. I have another piece of news to share with you as well. Your mom is awake, and she is asking for you. When I told her you were in rehab she seemed both happy and sad at the same time. I know you two had your differences before her accident, and I am not going to justify her behavior regarding your sexuality. She feels terrible about believing Damian and she wants to be able to tell you that herself. Your mother loves you, Luke. I know that's hard to believe after everything, but I have no reason to lie to you son. I love you. I hope you are doing well. Please let me know how you are okay? I feel like there is something wrong, but I won't pull you out of rehab if it's helping you._

_Love always, Dad._

_p.s. your sisters and your little brother say hello._

Luke buried his face further into Noah's shoulder and he felt hot tears on his shirt. He put the letter down beside him and focused on Luke, wanting to offer all the comfort he could. Noah could only imagine how Luke would have reacted if he had received some of these letters. On one hand it was a comfort to know that Holden was worried about him. It had to give Luke great joy to realize that his dad loved him so much. On the other hand, it was obvious that the man thought his son was in rehab. Holden's letters were full of encouragement and joy; everything that was necessary when dealing with addicts.

It broke Noah's heart just a little to know that Damian had somehow played this cruel joke on Holden and Luke. The distance had done great damage to their relationship, and even with just reading a few of the letters Noah could sense how much he loved Luke. It was as if the man could sense something was wrong, that the letters he received from his son weren't quite right.

Noah kissed away Luke's tears and smoothed his hair back out of his eyes. Luke still felt warm to the touch, and Noah urged him to drink some juice. He made sure Luke took his medicine and then tucked him in telling him that was enough reading of letters for the day. Luke needed his rest if he was going to get better.

"Noah will you make sure to wake me up in the morning?" Luke asked weakly. His eyelids were heavy and Noah knew they would be closed in a minute. He could sense that Luke was purposely keeping them open until he got the answer to his question.

"I'll wake you up with a kiss if you would like," Noah replied, his fingers playing in the hair on Luke's forehead.

"Okay…I'm just scared to go to sleep."

In that moment Noah understood completely, but before he could respond Luke slipped into unconsciousness. Noah watched him closely for the next few minutes until he could be completely certain that Luke was just sleeping. He ran a hand through his hair and settled down in front of his laptop. He glanced at his boyfriend one more time before opening a document so he could write.

_January 1, 2008 (night time)_

_My boyfriend is sick, and I think I am about to have a heart attack. I am not trying to be overdramatic here…but I wish my heart would stop beating so fast. Luke is sleeping, I know that…but he broke my heart when he told pretty clearly that he was afraid of dying. That wasn't what he said in exact words but it's clear to me that that is what he meant. I have a feeling he's been sick like this before, and those bastards at Echo Lake didn't do much to help him. It makes me angry to think that there were nights when he went to sleep when he was afraid he wouldn't wake up again. I don't think I'm going to get much sleep tonight knowing that. I have to keep an eye on him. If his fever gets any higher, I think I might have to take him to the hospital…something I really don't want to do._

_Luke trusts me, and even if I saved his life by taking him to the hospital it would destroy any faith he has in me. I'm not willing to take that risk. I read him some of his dad's letters today. I am more determined than ever to get to the bottom of things. Holden's letters would have given Luke hope that his dad did love him. It's really a shame that Damian decided to play God. That main is a piece of work…he makes my father seem like a prince and that is saying something. I think I will have to see about journaling every day. With Luke so sick I don't want to take my eyes off of him any more than I have to. He needs me now more than ever._

_Noah saved his entry and immediately started looking for articles pertaining to Luke's symptoms. He was certain that Luke just had a case of the flu but he wanted to make sure. He also wanted to research more about the camp. Every few minutes he checked on Luke. Every hour he took his temperature and made sure he was comfortable in bed. It was well after midnight when he went to bed himself, and he didn't know what time it was when he finally allowed himself to close his eyes. Luke cuddled up against him, and Noah took comfort in the ragged breathing, because it meant that Luke was still there._

_January 5, 2008_

_Luke is still sick, but he's getting better every day. It's like the flu just doesn't want to let go. I am going to run into town to get some more juice and get his prescriptions filled. He can't miss any of his kidney medication…especially not right now. It's too dangerous to take him with me. His immune system is severely compromised. I'm going to go the store when he goes to sleep. That way I know he's okay. We read some more of the letters today. He really likes it when I read to him. The tone of the letters is getting darker and sadder. Holden was really getting worried about Luke, because Luke never wrote back. I am surprised yet thrilled that Holden didn't stop writing even after Luke's letters stopped coming. It shows that he was deeply concerned for his son._

_I am not a very violent person but I really wish I could hit Damian. That is a huge confession from me, because Damian is an authority figure…but I confess I really have no respect for the man. Anyone who can manipulate his child and the family who adores him…I just don't get it. I knew I never liked Damian but this is just ridiculous. I can't wait for Luke to get better so we can blow him out of the water._

_Noah saved his journal entry and closed his laptop. He checked on Luke one last time before he headed out the door. He wanted to get to the store and back before Luke woke up. His boyfriend was sleeping, and he was a little concerned about his fever. It just didn't' seem to want to break, but luckily it never went about 101 degrees. Any higher and Noah would have had to make a very difficult choice. He still didn't want to take Luke to the hospital, but he would have found a doctor who could be discreet to help. Luckily it hadn't come to that._

It didn't take Noah long to pick up what he needed from the store. Within ten minutes his basket was full and he was on his way to the checkout line when he decided that he wanted to get something special for Luke. He was hoping dinner and a movie would cheer his boyfriend up a little bit. He picked out a movie he knew Luke would like, and he was just getting all the ingredients for dinner when he heard his name being called.

He froze in his spot, not wanting to look back though he knew that voice. "Noah, Darling," the voice came closer. "Wait a minute, is that you?"

He took a deep breath and turned smiling as Luke's grandmother came to stand before him. She pulled off her glasses, placing them in her hair as she pulled her gloves off her hands before grabbing Noah's cheeks giving him a kiss on each one.

"Oh it is you. How are you doing dear boy? We were devastated, just devastated when Damian said you left without a word. Now you're back."

"Yes ma'am, I just couldn't' stay away. I really like Oakdale."

"It is a very quaint town. Very quaint," Lucinda agreed. "I didn't mean to interrupt your shopping darling, but I was hoping I could have a word with you. I could really use your help with something. It's quite urgent."

"Well…I would be happy to help…can we not do it here?" he asked cautiously. Whatever she wanted he didn't think they should have this conversation in public.

"Oh yes of course, we must be discreet. Come along now, I insist on paying for the groceries." Noah had learned a long time ago that you didn't argue with Lucinda Walsh. He followed her to the checkout line and paid for the groceries post haste. Once they were outside he looked at his watch and frowned. He hoped this didn't take long; he really needed to get back to Luke.

"How can I be of assistance Mrs. Walsh?" he asked once she had helped him load the groceries into his car.

She gestured for them to get into the vehicle and waited for him to be strapped in with the heat on before she began. "Thank you darling, it is dreadfully cold out there. "I want your help, as I said with an important matter. You were the only one who could get close to my grandson am I right?"

Noah didn't even blink an eye as he turned to her and nodded. "Yes, Luke and I became really close before I left." He dared not ask how Luke was. He didn't want to appear deceptive. Besides he feared she would see right through him.

"Well he is missing, Darling. I want you to find him for me. My Luke is out there somewhere alone. My daughter is beside herself with worry, and she's out there with that scoundrel of an ex-husband of hers chasing after some lead that hasn't panned out yet. I don't know what to do. She's in Georgia, and that's after they were in California and Seattle. Please, Noah," she said taking his hands into hers, "You have to help me find my grandson."

Noah sighed and rested his head against the steering wheel, a move he was certain confused the older woman. He didn't' have the heart to lie to her; she seemed so worried about Luke. And he would feel guilty if he lied, knowing that he could ease her fears with a few simple words. "I can't believe I am about to do this…" he said as he looked up.

"Do what darling? Don't you want Luke to be alright?"

"Luke is okay, Mrs. Walsh. He's healing, and he's safe."

"How do you know?" Lucinda asked, even though Noah could tell by the look in her eye that she had a pretty good idea.

"He's here in Oakdale. We've been staying at your cabin since Christmas."

"Luke is here?" Lucinda asked and Noah nodded even as a smile formed on his lips. The love that came into her eyes just from knowing Luke was safe…that was a look Noah wouldn't soon forget. "My word, we have been so worried…"

"I know," Noah said cutting her off. "But it's important that we stay missing for the moment. Luke isn't ready to be around people, and right now he is a little under the weather. I need to get back to him before he wakes up. Mrs. Walsh please promise me you won't say anything…Luke's survival depends on it."

He wasn't sure if it was the look in his eyes or the desperation in his voice that made her agree, but Lucinda nodded her head and grabbed his cheeks to kiss him again. "You give my grandson a kiss for me, you hear?" she said her tone leaving no room for argument. "And the minute he is ready…I want to be the first to know. Okay? Will you do that for me, Noah?"

"Your daughter," he said his tone seriously as he looked at Luke's grandmother, "is trying to find him because she believes he needs surgery. You have to believe me…he is fine. He knows what he wants, he knows what he needs. Luke is…Luke is amazing and all he wants is to be left alone, Mrs. Walsh."

"Stop it with this Mrs. Walsh business." She said waving her hands in the air. "You can call me Lucinda, Darling. And I understand. Believe me I understand. I will trust your judgment. Just don't let me regret that choice young man. Now go, get back to my grandson. I will be in touch."

He didn't loosen his grip on the steering wheel until she was completely away from the car. He closed his eyes and let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He was very thankful that had worked out so well. It could have been disastrous. After all when all was said and done he could get in trouble for kidnapping…that was if Damian ever found out that Luke had been with him the whole time. He pushed those thoughts out of his head and drove as fast as he could to get back to Luke.

The groceries were forgotten the moment he entered the house. He could hear gagging in the bathroom, and his legs couldn't get him there fast enough. His heart sank when he found Luke on the floor dry heaving into the toilet with tears in his red eyes. "Luke," he said alerting his boyfriend to his presence.

Luke turned to face him and Noah felt his heart sink. Luke looked so pale and his lips had a green tint around them. Noah walked over to him just as he turned his attention back to the toilet. Immediately he knelt down beside him and rubbed his back thinking he had gotten back just in time.

"I'm sorry, Noah," Luke said turning to bury his face in Noah's shoulder. "I'm never going to get better."

Noah helped him to his feet and led him back to the bedroom. He tucked Luke back in bed and took his temperature, all the while soothing him with whispers and his fingers running through his blond hair. It didn't take long for Luke to be asleep again, and Noah took the reprieve to get the groceries into the house. Luke's special dinner would have to wait, for now Noah was just going to hold him.

_January 15, 2008_

_Luke's fever finally broke last night. He's sleeping and his breathing is normal. In a minute I will wake him up so we can start our day, but first I am just grateful that he is better. Yesterday was especially hard. Luke's fever spiked and he was very cold even though he was burning up. He started to talk, and he said a lot of things that needed to be said, though honestly I wish I didn't know them. It's horrible really, what they did to him in that place. It makes me sick, but I am going to try to write it down here, because it needs to be documented._

_I had already figured out that Luke had been sexually assaulted. But my original assumption that Adam was the culprit is slightly off. Adam did have his chance…but so did Jacob, Harry and someone named Bubba. I swear If not for the seriousness of the situation I would have laughed at that…I mean Bubba, seriously?_

_The sexual assaults occurred each time Luke failed the stimulation test. They showed pictures of naked girls or scantly clothed females across a screen, mixing in a picture or two of the male persuasion. If Luke reacted the way they didn't want him to then he lost a point. I haven't quite figured out what's worse yet; the fact that they tried to beat acceptance out of him, or the fact that the only experiences with sex are so horrifying that I wonder if he will ever get over it. Did I mention that he asked me if I was going to rape him too?_

_Electroshock therapy was a nightmare. Picture any science fiction film you can complete with men in white coats telling you you're doing good. It was another stimulation test…this one decisively different than the guaranteed to make you hard for a girl. The other was so terrible that Luke used to pretend just to make them stop._

_The electroshock therapy was a little different. It sent waves to the brain, and it's really frightening that people think its okay to play God like that. I mean it cannot be right to reprogram someone's brain can it? How do you take away someone's right to think they way they do? Kreeger and the staff at Echo Lake could have killed Luke…and apparently they almost succeeded._

_Luke was in no condition to be whipped the way he was when they punished him that last time. They took him out of isolation, after starving him for weeks and whipped him into submission that never came. I know these memories came about during his fever, but I also know Luke. And he wouldn't lie about something like this…even with his imagination. This is just barbaric. That's the only word I can think to describe it._

_I finally got my boyfriend to sleep after convincing him that 1. I wasn't going to hurt him. 2. I wasn't going to send him back to Echo Lake. 3. I most certainly was not going to rape him in his sleep. And 4. He wasn't going to die…not on my watch. He fell asleep clinging to me as has been the case for the past two weeks, and I was very thankful when his fever broke and I just held him and ran my fingers through his hair, and you know that made me the happiest at that point? He cried…he was crying in his sleep and for me, in that moment I think cried too._

_Noah sighed and wiped away the stray tears that had fallen as he typed his recount of what had happened during Luke's fever fit. It made him sad to know his boyfriend had been through all of this, and it made him angry knowing that it was his biological father who had sent him there. He couldn't wait for Damian to see just how stupid his decision was to send Luke to this place. Noah knew all too well what it meant to have a father who didn't accept him, but he counted himself as lucky never to have seen the horrors that Luke saw._

He closed his computer and settled down on the bed beside Luke who was just beginning to stir. "Wake up sleeping beauty," he said as his hand gently brushed Luke's flushed cheek.

"Didn't Sleeping Beauty get awakened with a kiss?" Luke muttered his eyes still closed even as he turned to face Noah.

Noah smiled and bent down to press a soft kiss against Luke's lips. His efforts were rewarded when Luke's eyes fluttered open and Noah laid witness to the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. He had forgotten how much he loved that smile, and he loved its owner even more. "I love you," he said bending down to kiss Luke once more. "How are you feeling?"

"Better thanks to you," Luke admitted as he tried to sit up in bed. Noah helped him up and propped pillows behind his head.

"Don't try to do too much," he warned as Luke leaned back against the soft feathers. "Your fever broke, but you're still weak. I think you'll be back up to full strength by the end of the week."

Luke moved to rest his head on Noah's shoulder cuddling up to him for warmth. "I'm glad we were able to get away from Damian and my Mom," he said softly. "I hate that we had to leave Dad, but I like that you were here to take care of me."

Noah smiled and moved causing Luke to sit up curiously. "You remember?" Noah asked tentatively. "You remember who made us run?"

"Yeah. Damian came to the door, and Mom was standing there too. I came into the kitchen to tell you and Dad, and then we left through the backdoor and went to the bus station. You had to buy our tickets right?" Noah nodded a look of awe clear on his face. "And I was trying to make sure I held on to the bag that held our stuff."

"You didn't let go of that bag until we got here," Noah said biting his lip as he watched his boyfriend closely. "Do you remember anything else?"

"Well," Luke started shyly. "I think I know who told Damian where we were."

"Oh?" Noah said raising his eyebrow. He had figured it out already, but he wanted to hear Luke's theory before he shared his own.

"Yeah…that's kinda my fault actually. And I'm really sorry."

"Your fault? I don't believe that for a minute, Luke."

"Well when we went to see your dad and he made you sad I yelled at him. And I may have sort of told him my name."

"Oh Luke, you didn't" Noah said trying hard not to react since he knew Luke felt bad about it.

"I did…and I think he must have seen the reward stuff Damian and Mom have floating around…so yeah, it's my fault we had to run."

"Well, I'm not going to fault you for defending my honor," Noah said cupping Luke's face with his hands. "And I think things worked out for the best…even if we had to leave your dad. So I forgive you."

Luke smiled and took Noah's hand into his leaning forward to give him a peck on the lips. "I know we were going to spend Christmas with my dad," he continued as his thumb caressed Noah's hand. "You gave me the Christmas angel…and then when we left I forgot my journal. That's why you gave me the new one right?"

"Yep," Noah nodded. "And I'm sure your dad has the other one I gave you too. He's probably keeping it safe for you."

'You don't think he'd read it do you?" Luke asked a worried frown crossing his features.

"I don't think he'd invade your privacy like that, Luke. You can trust him.

"I know," Luke admitted. He grew silent for a moment, and Noah used his free hand to run his fingers through Luke's dark hair. He watched him closely and waited patiently for him to speak again. He knew he would, it was just a matter of time. "I miss him," Luke said moments later. "I know why he can't be here…but I wish he was you know? I want to tell him so much, Noah. I'm going to see him again right?"

"Yes Luke, I promise you will see your dad again soon. We just have to work on recovering your memories and everything. Do you remember anything else about Echo Lake?"

Luke frowned and furrowed his brow as he thought about Noah's question. "Well the place was run pretty much like an army base. We had a routine we needed to follow every day from beginning to end. There was no room for compromise or changes. If you didn't do something according to plan there were consequences. A lot of the military brats got into trouble for not following the rules. No offense," he said as an after-thought his gaze focused on his boyfriend.

"None taken. Go ahead. Were there a lot of military guys there?"

Luke nodded. "Bubba was military," Luke shuddered as the name slipped off his lips. He had a crew cut and he was really tall. His accent was so thick, and that's partly why they called him Bubba."

"That wasn't his real name," Noah asked trying not to sound as amused as he was.

"No, it wasn't his name at all," Luke shook his name. "He was called Bubba because he was from Georgia. You know how mean people can be about accents."

"What was his name then," Noah asked curiously.

Luke thought about it for a moment before replying his gaze faraway as if the answer was somewhere in the distance in front of him. "Sam," he said sadly. "It was Sam, and I remember wondering why he wanted to give up a nice name like Sam for Bubba. But then I figured it fit him because he wasn't very nice."

"Luke," Noah's voice sounded weird to his ears and Luke turned frowning at the expression on his boyfriend's face.

"What? Did I say something wrong?"

"The guy…Bubba, what did he look like?"

"He was tall, kinda stocky with buzzed red hair and brown eyes. Why?"

"And how old was he?" Noah continued ignoring Luke's questions even though he knew he had to be confusing him.

"A couple of years older than us," Luke responded, frowning as he looked at his boyfriend. "Are you okay?

"No way," Noah whispered. "No way."

"Noah, you're scaring me here." Luke said placing his hand on Noah's shoulder. His boyfriend was deep in thought, and it frightened him to see him so far away.

"Was his last name Harris?" Noah asked hoping against hope that Luke would say no. "Just tell me, Luke was that his last name?"

"Yeah…how did you know that?"

Noah closed his eyes momentarily as the force of the revelation hit him. Bubba was Sammy? Sammy, the guy who taught him everything about being okay with being gay…the one who sold him out with no regrets; he was sent to Echo lake just like Luke? He was Bubba with the thick accent….Sammy Harris was Bubba?

Noah," Luke said shaking him to get his attention. "Please don't shut me out. What am I missing?"

"Sammy Harris." Noah said taking Luke's hand into his. "Sammy Harris."

"Oh my god," Luke said as it dawned on him what his boyfriend was saying. "Your Sammy?"

"Yeah…the one and the same."

"Wow," Luke said shaking his head. "That's just.-"

'Twisted, yeah."

"I was going to say tangled but twisted works."

"Luke," Noah laughed easing the tension just a bit.

"See I achieved my goal," Luke laughed along with him before growing serious. "I'm not sure what's weirder though Noah. The fact that you know Bubba or the fact that Damian was around sometimes."

"Wait what?" Noah said feeling like he had just been punched in the gut.

"Damian was there," Luke said matter-of-factly.

"Damian was at Echo Lake? While you were there?" Noah asked as he tried to process the information. "Did he ever see you?"

"Well I guess he saw me…I could see him through the window whenever I was in the isolation room."

"So what you're saying," Noah said slowly as the pieces started to come together in his head. "Is that Damian knew? He knew all this shit was happening to you…and he let it happen."


	28. Chapter 28

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Noah," Luke called as his boyfriend moved away from him.

"He knew?"

"Noah, you need to calm down," Luke tried again though he wasn't sure if Noah heard him.

"He knew? This whole time that we have been trying to figure out what's wrong and he knew?"

"Noah," Luke tried again as he lifted himself off the bed. He was a little unsteady on his feet but he managed to stay upright. "Come on, please stop this."

"Of all the rotten dirty things he could have done and he knew!"

"Stop yelling!" Luke yelled startling Noah momentarily. He turned and immediately went to Luke's side to make sure the other man didn't' fall. "Thank you," Luke said placing his hands on Noah's cheeks as he looked at him. "You keep yelling like that I'd be inclined to think you were mad at me." He tried to smile wanting to lighten the mood just a bit. His fingers worked on Noah's cheeks hoping to diffuse some of the anger. He was rewarded with a small smile as Noah took his hand into his own.

"I'm sorry, Luke. It just makes me so mad, you know? You're hurting and you have been for a long time, and I can't believe just how much that man…"

"Stop," Luke said pressing a finger against Noah's lips. "I know you are upset, but pitching a fit is not going to help me and especially not you."

"Well this is definitely a switch," Noah said letting go of Luke's hand so he could wrap his arms around his slender waist. "I think your thought process is a lot clearer than it was just a few months ago."

"Really?" Luke asked wrapping his arms around Noah's neck.

"Mmmhmmm. A few months ago you would have been scared that you did do something wrong and you would have thought my reaction was totally your fault."

"I guess that means you're taking good care of me then," Luke remarked easily. "I do feel a lot better than I did back then. Now I just want to get my strength back…and then stop being so afraid of people and the world. I may be getting "better" Noah but I think I still have a long way to go."

"And the fact that you know that just proves my point," Noah said kissing the top of his nose. "You are aware of your limitations and you know what you need to do. I also think it's great that you are gaining some independence and you still seem to want me around."

"Did that worry you?" Luke asked as he pulled away and led Noah to the bed so he could sit down. Standing on his weakened legs was tiring. He looked up at his boyfriend and patted the spot beside him, wanting him to sit down too.

"A little," Noah said honestly. He settled down on the bed and stretched out his legs as he thought about all that had changed since August. "I just, I don't know I like taking care of you, and it scares me sometimes to think that when you are your old self again you won't want anything to do with me."

"I've had the same fear you know. I mean it's amazing that for whatever reason you do love me as I am now, but being conditioned to believe that the way you are is wrong doesn't do much for your self esteem. And I sometimes wonder if I get back to being who I was, if you'll still love me."

"I think we've had this conversation before," Noah said thoughtfully. Remember, when we were in Georgia?"

"Yeah, things have changed since then," Luke acknowledged. "We knew then that we didn't want to lose each other, and if I need to say that again, Noah, then I will. I may not need to lean on you as much anymore, but it doesn't mean I don't want to lean on you at all. You give me so much and I don't know what it is you see in me, but I'm glad you do. Does that make sense?"

"You've always made sense to me, Luke…even when no one else understood. There are so many things to love about you, that I love about you and it would take forever to list them all."

"I think we have time," Luke said his eyes sparkling as he smiled showing off his dimples.

"We have the rest of our lives," Noah chuckled, his hand reaching up to push Luke's hair out of his face. "Right now I just want you to know you are very special, and I realized that the moment I met you and that is why I love you Luke. I just do."

"So is that to say that you wouldn't love me if I wasn't special."

Noah was about to answer when he noticed the gleam in Luke's eyes. The flecks of green shined like emeralds signifying that he was completely in teasing mode. Noah couldn't remember if he had ever seen Luke tease before.

"You are totally teasing me aren't you," he said wrapping his arms around Luke and hugging him close.

"Would that be a problem," Luke asked giggling.

"Ah another new sound," Noah said kissing Luke's cheek. "I am finding more things to love about you, Luke. Keep it up."

"Hush," Luke laughed and pushed him away weakly.

It was nice to just be carefree for awhile, even if they knew it couldn't last. There was still so much to be done, and many things that Noah needed to help Luke do. Luke was a long way from being completely okay, but Noah found his progress to be very encouraging. It seemed that being sick had helped jolt Luke's memory, and rerouted his thinking. Luke was well on his way to being the man he was meant to be all along, and Noah was just glad that he could be with him to see the transformation.

_January 15, 2008  
It's been awhile since I have been able to write in this thing, but I'm back now and I feel much better thanks to Noah. I am still a little weak, but my strength is returning with ever hour. Noah is in the kitchen making us dinner. He said he had something special for us, and he won't tell me what. I wanted to help, but he insisted that I sit and rest as much as I can._

Today was a better day then I have had in a while. I was sick for two solid weeks and I think I scared Noah even more than I scared myself. I was afraid that I wasn't going to get any better, and I may have said something to Noah about waking me up because I was afraid to go to sleep. Being sick reminded me of the time I was in the hospital before I came back to Oakdale. That was not fun.

So for two weeks I haven't been able to write down my fears. I have conquered one or two in the past few days though. For example I have been really scared that Noah wouldn't want me anymore. That is not an old fear; it is one that has manifested over time and we talked about it today. As it turns out he has the same fear. I have come to the conclusion though that neither one of us is ready to lose this…whatever it is. To me it feels like love, and I think Noah feels the same way. But neither one of us is naive enough to think that it's that simple.__

We came together as friends when I really needed one. And it turned out that he did too. Here we are six months later and neither of us is the same person we were when we met. Wow that sentence looks strange, but I think I get what I am trying to say. We've grown a lot since the day I walked into my parents' home and met him. I'm a lot more coherent and I have gained some confidence. I truly believe that what I said in Georgia is true though. I won't ever stop needing Noah because for me it goes beyond need. And even that is a scary thing.

I'm also really scared of what being in a relationship means. Noah tried to French kiss me once but I pulled away because it was weird. I know what French Kissing is, and I know it involves tongue but I don't' know I was afraid to have Noah's tongue in my mouth. Maybe I'm just weird. Noah doesn't think so, and he didn't try to force me into anything, but it's still like the big elephant in the room that probably will never go away. I suck at intimacy, that's just a fact…I hope Noah won't mind. But I don't know…I guess that could be the fear I try to face next. It won't be a lot, but it's a start.

And it's not like I'm talking about sex. I know I'm not ready for that…and truthfully Noah and I don't know each other that well. Okay….I need to stop overanalyzing everything. I am really bad about that. I over think and I need to just trust myself and trust Noah. Noah is amazing and I can talk to him about anything. Sex scares me…but it's a fear that will have to wait. When I was away I had some really bad experiences, and they only served to confuse me. I'm sure the outcome was meant to be something like me wanting girls but that's just ewww.

On a serious note, I like being alone here with Noah. I feel comfortable here and I don't know how fast I want that to change. Eventually it will have to. We can't hide in Grandmother's cabin forever. Eventually she will realize that the food here is actually getting eaten and she will get suspicious. I know my Grandmother Lucinda, she is very determined when she wants to be. She says I get it from her. I think she's right about that.__

Getting back my life won't be too bad…as long as I get to keep Noah at the center of it. My dad gets to be second, but somehow I don't think he'd mind that. I miss my dad so much. I'm going to ask Noah if I can call him, just to let him know things are going well. I better stop though, it's almost dinner time and I asked Noah to at least let me set the table. I'm going to try the kissing thing tonight. Wish me luck.

"We're going to have to dye your hair again soon," Noah commented as he reached over to push the strands out of Luke's eyes.

"I guess it does grow really fast," Luke said as he pushed it off h is forehead before taking a bite of his dinner. It immediately fell back into his eyes and Noah smiled.

"I don't think we'll cut it again though," he said taking a bite of his own food. "I like it this length, it's perfect for me to run my fingers through."

Luke blushed and ducked his head focusing once more on his dinner. Noah had made pasta with olive oil and garlic, along with fresh hot rolls. Everything was good, and dessert was supposed to be a surprise, but Luke was sure he smelt chocolate. Noah told him he was smelling things but he wasn't easily fooled.

"Hey," Noah said calling him to attention. Luke looked up and smiled at the gleam in Noah's eyes. "Are you ready for your surprise?"

"Yes!" Luke said clapping his hands together which made Noah chuckle. "Hey, don't laugh at me," he said laughing himself as Noah moved from the table to get their dessert. Luke had to keep himself from squealing when he saw the chocolate mousse pie that Noah pulled out of the refrigerator. "When did you have time to make that?" he asked.

"That's my secret," Noah said as he pulled his chair closer to Luke's so they could share a slice of the chocolaty treat. He cut a piece and fed it to Luke who closed his eyes for a moment and savored the taste as if it were a bit of heaven. Noah thought it was the single most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Without even thinking about he leaned forward letting his lips touch Luke's in what was meant to be a simple sweet kiss.

He felt Luke's lips part as they kissed and tentatively allowed his tongue to rub along the bottom lip, giving Luke ample opportunity to stop him if he felt uncomfortable. He was pleasantly surprised when Luke's tongue touched his, inviting him to enter the enticing mouth. The pie was forgotten as Noah used his hands to hold Luke's face as the kiss deepened ever so slightly. Their tongues tangoed for a minute and their lips danced intricately until it was necessary for them to come up for air.

Luke broke the embrace first and pressed his forehead against Noah's as he tried to catch his breath. His heart was beating fast and he licked his lips wanting desperately to do that again, but he didn't dare. He didn't know if Noah would want to. He licked his lips again and bit the bottom one wondering when his heart would stop pounding so fast.

He felt Noah's lips press against his briefly before his boyfriend pulled away completely, placing a hand on his cheek instead. "Not that I'm complaining," Noah said, his voice husky and thick, "But what was that for?"

"I think I like this facing your fears thing," Luke stated shyly as a faint blush stained his cheeks.

Noah smiled and kissed him softly once more before insisting that they needed to eat the treat he had prepared. "We can't let my hard work go to waste," he said as he fed Luke another piece. Luke took the piece willingly, but then surprised Noah by taking the fork out of his hand so he could feed Noah. Noah was slightly amused that it took them so long to eat one slice of pie, but he wasn't complaining. He and Luke took turns feeding each other, and Noah effortlessly stole a kiss between every bite. It was definitely a great way to cap off the evening.

_January 15, 2008  
My Grandma Lucinda knows where I am. Noah thought I would be upset about that, and maybe a few months ago I would have been. I would have felt betrayed like I did when Aaron spilled the beans, but I trust Noah more than anything. And I am glad that he cared enough about my grandmother that he didn't want her to fret and worry. She knows where we are, but I know she won't tell. And I know Noah wouldn't have said anything if she thought he couldn't trust her.___

I have no idea what's going to happen over the next few days, but at least I am slowly getting better. The chocolate pie Noah made for dessert was very good, and I am just glad I had the taste buds to enjoy that and dinner. The kissing wasn't so bad either. I can admit that I like kissing Noah more than I thought was possible. I mean, we've kissed before, but tonight we really, really kissed with tongue and I don't' think I am scared of it anymore. I don't understand why people wanted me to think that it was wrong. It can't be wrong to be loved by someone like Noah.__

I'm starting to think about the things I learned during my time at Echo Lake and I think it's time for me to talk to Noah about it. We've spoken about different things at different times…but I wasn't coherent enough to really explain everything. There were certain rules, certain regulations that we followed every day. It was a routine, but one that changed on whim if the wardens deemed it necessary. I don't feel comfortable writing it down, but I can talk about it…I'm going to go see if Noah has a tape recorder or something. He thinks of everything.

Luke was still rummaging through things when Noah appeared in the doorway. He leaned against the doorframe and listened to look mumble to himself as he sifted through the corner where Noah put their growing collection of CDS and DVDs.

"Is there something specific you are looking for?" he asked startling his boyfriend unintentionally. Luke jumped and turned to face him a slight blush dusting his cheeks. "Sorry I didn't mean to startle you," he said pushing himself off the frame.

"Um, I was kinda hoping we had some kind of recorder," Luke said suddenly shy as he met his boyfriend half way. Noah wrapped his arms around him and smiled down at him.

"You need a recorder tonight?" He asked curiously.

"Well," Luke said allowing his arms to go around Noah's neck. "I wanted to talk to you tonight, and I think it would be good if record the conversation. Do you think that's a bad idea?"

"I think it's a brilliant idea," Noah said kissing him softly on the lips. "I'll just set up the video camera, and we'll just talk okay?"

"Thanks, Noah."

Noah allowed his hands to slide up Luke's sides to his arms before cupping his cheeks lovingly as he looked at him. Their lips met in a soft kiss that conveyed everything Noah was feeling at the moment, and Luke felt himself getting woozy as he held on and kissed him back.

"I think we should get the recorder before I lose my nerve," Luke said biting his lip as he tried to pull away from Noah.

"I love you," Noah whispered, loosening his hold but not letting go.

"I love you too," Luke replied softly.

"And you don't have to thank me." Noah accentuated his point by placing his forehead against Luke's so their noses touched briefly. Luke closed the distance between them and smiled against Noah's lips, he really liked this feeling.

"Alright," Noah said as he came to sit by Luke on the bed. Everything is set up, are you ready?"

'DO you think you can hold me while we do this?" Luke asked suddenly unsure of what he was about to do. Without a word Noah moved back until his back was against the headboard and he wrapped his arms protectively around his boyfriend.

"IS this better?" he asked as his fingers began to work their way through the dark strands.

Luke nodded and then fell silent for a few moments. Noah waited patiently knowing Luke would speak when he was ready. "You know I would have gotten in trouble for this."

"For what exactly," Noah prodded gently.

"Allowing you to touch me. Men aren't supposed to touch each other at all. Not even a hug or a pat on the back is appropriate. You get a free pass for pats on the back though. Anything beyond that is deemed disgusting and girly."

"Do you think I'm disgusting?"

"No," Luke replied swiftly, his head moving as he shook it from side to side. "There is nothing disgusting about you…and your fingers in my hair feels so nice. I don't understand why it's supposed to be so wrong. Love isn't a bad thing."

"Actually it's a very good thing," Noah kept his tone thoughtful as he focused completely on his boyfriend. "It sounds like the counselors at Echo Lake wanted to control your every thought."

"They did," Luke agreed. "We were up at 0400 hours and dressed by 0500 with bunk inspections to make sure we didn't have any contraband in our rooms. They did body checks too."

"Body checks?"

Noah felt Luke's nod and he frowned wondering what that meant. "They had to check to make sure we weren't having any wet dreams or anything like that," he explained, and Noah grimaced. He had to bite down on his lip, not wanting to disturb Luke while he was deep in thought. "It was weird because it contradicted the rule they set forth you know? How were we supposed learn not to touch other mean if there were men touching us?"

"Did you ever ask?"

"You weren't allowed to ask questions, Noah. If you dared to talk back you had one strike against you. And three strikes meant extra therapy. It was supposed to be their way of toughening us up. I learned the bookshelf technique in my therapy sessions."

"Can you tell me about that?"

"Well…a real man could only be so if he had a handle on his emotions," Luke explained as he played with Noah's free hand. "My emotions were all over the place. I have always been very emotional, and I never thought my dad minded it until I was sent to Echo Lake," He paused momentarily a frown settling across his lips. He knew now that his dad hadn't sent him away, but at the time the realization that he had grown up "wrong" hit him hard. He had had a hard time turning off his feelings until one of his therapists told him to envision something he liked and go from there.

"I started picturing my emotions as books, scattered across the floor in a room. It was this big jumbled mess of feelings, love, hate, sadness, joy, anger…all the emotions were there just waiting for me to tap into them you know? And the bookshelf it was empty, and my task was to put the books on the shelf. Once I did that I could lock them away and not touch them."

"That must have been hard," Noah remarked softly.

"It was. I had to try really hard to get that perfected. Every time I thought I had it, one of my emotions would get the best of me and the books would tumble right off the shelf."

"When did that usually happened?"

"After the stimulations and the electrotherapy. Those were the worst, and there were always tears stinging my eyes then. I tried hard not to cry but it hurt so much and I just wanted the pain to stop."

"Did you ever lie?" Noah wanted to know. "Just to get it to stop? Did you ever pretend to be interested in a girl?"

He felt Luke bristle beneath his touch and instinctively wrapped his arm tighter, his lips touching the top of his head reassuringly. "IF you reacted to a girl they brought a real girl in to have sex with you." Luke lifted his head slightly so he could look into Noah's eyes. "The girls were actually from the sister camp across the lake."

"Sister Camp?" Noah asked. "You mean there was a separate camp for converting lesbians? But wouldn't have made sense to have them together?" he asked wrinkling h is nose at the mere thought of what tortures the girls had to endure.

"It was bad, Noah, and I couldn't do it. I got in trouble big time for that one. Not only had I failed to complete my task, but I also failed the next stimulation screening so they knew I had lied."

"Did you have some questions for me?" Noah asked gently, guiding him back on track. He knew Luke had a specific goal for this, and he didn't want to lose sight of it.

"I'm not really sure what to ask," Luke admitted sadly. "I want confirmation on some things but it's all stupid and when I think about it I realize that I probably already know the answers."

"Did they treat you with drugs?"

"Yes…a lot of needles and pills. And then to top it all off they sedated us if we didn't' cooperate. There was this one camper; his name was Tyson, who was in isolation even more than I was. His mind was gone, Noah. It's like if you remember how clueless and shaky I was when you met me, magnify it by twenty and you have how far gone Tyson was. It was a wonder they didn't kill him with all the drugs they were giving him."

Noah frowned and held Luke tighter. He could only imagine what that meant. He did remember how out of it Luke was back then. Prone to black outs and nonsensical talk. The headaches were the worst and the memory loss. His heart went out to Tyson; he didn't know the kid, but it made him sad to think he had been tortured to the point of no return. He just didn't understand how a place like this could be in existence.

"We had to pray too," Luke said breaking the silence that had fallen between them.

"Pray?"

"In the morning there was prayer time," Luke explained. "We had to pray for God to watch over us as we strived to stray from our evil paths. It was a vicious cycle. We got up, had our inspections and then we had prayer time and then breakfast. Breakfast was usually oatmeal or porridge and I have reason to believe they poisoned us too."

"Are you serious?" Noah asked his eyes widening as he looked down at his boyfriend.

"I always felt weird after I ate," Luke explained. "And it wasn't just me. A lot of the campers complained about stomach cramps and irritation in our lower extremities after we'd have breakfast. One kid got so sick he died right in front of us."

"Peter Lacey?" Noah asked frowning.

"Yes! That was his name," Luke looked up into concerned blue eyes. "How did you know that?"

"Research. His cause of death was ruled as the flu…but it was suspicious, and from what you're telling me, it wasn't an accident."

"He was perfectly healthy, Noah. He defied the wardens all the time and never seemed to be bothered by anything that was done to us."

"Did any of the activities advertised on the site take place? "

"There was no time for activities," Luke said sadly. "And even if there were…I wouldn't' have known. I spent most of my time either isolated or in the therapy rooms."

"You wrote about fire in one of your journal entries…do you think you can tell me about that?"

"It wasn't a huge fire, but it was enough of a distraction for someone to escape," Luke explained. "He didn't stay gone long."

"Dennis Franklin," Noah said remembering the name from the information he had found on the internet. "A kitchen fire right?"

"Yes, he started the fire in the kitchen and while everyone was distracted he slipped away into the woods. When they found him he was put in a special therapy room and we never saw him again. He became our example of what not to do. No one tried to escape after that."

They fell quiet again, though Noah continued to run his fingers through Luke's thick hair. He could feel the rise and fall of Luke's chest and took comfort in it. He was almost afraid his boyfriend had fallen asleep when the dark head lifted again, and he saw great sadness and confusion in the golden gaze.

"It just didn't make any sense, Noah. How they could say so many things, and make us do so many things, and at the same time the things they did to us seemed…like something you'd see in a science fiction move. And I don't think I can watch one without cringing now."

"Did they always tell you what to do?" Noah asked curiously. "I mean, when you first came home you were very hesitant about things, and you wouldn't dare make a move if you thought it was the wrong move to make."

"And you became my judgment center," Luke sighed as he cuddled up closer to Noah. "I could never do anything right there, Noah. It seemed every time I tried they found something wrong with what I was doing. I didn't shave right, and I could never get all the wrinkles out of my clothes, and my hair grew way too fast for their liking. It didn't matter what I did or what I said, I was always wrong so I stopped trying to do things without asking. I just wanted to make the right choices, but it was never good enough."

"That explains a lot," Noah said his tone thoughtful as he reflected on the last few months. He remembered Luke asking for advice on everything from what to wear to work, to how to file papers. He had even waited for someone to tell him to let Aaron into the house. Simple things had been so hard for him, but now he seemed to be back on the road to regaining his independence.

"I learned a lot from you though," Luke's voice drew Noah out of his thoughts. "You were so confident and so sure…and you just you helped me realize that I was doing something right. I don't think I could ever repay you for all you've done for me Noah. I'd be lost without you."

"I didn't do much, Luke."

"But you did," Luke insisted as he shifted so that he could face his boyfriend. "You showed me a lot about trust and you helped me make up with my dad. And you were there guiding me through all the bad things, and most of all you made sure I didn't have to do things I didn't want to do. Noah, you believed in me…and you wanted to get to know me. No matter how screwed up I thought I was, you cared and that is why I was able to battle everything. You did a lot…and I love you. Which I don't think I'd be able to say if it weren't for you either."

"Well, since we're being honest," Noah's hands rose and cupped Luke's face lovingly, his thumbs caressing his cheeks, "I've had feelings for you since the beginning. Not that I'd be able to pinpoint exactly when I fell in love, but I knew before I even spirited you off to California that I wanted to be with you. And I am so proud of you, Luke." He felt Luke's smile forming and he could see the pride in his eyes. The green flecks gleamed, and Noah leaned in to allow their foreheads to touch. "I'm very proud, and I thank you for loving me back."


	29. Chapter 29

Luke sat silently as Noah's fingers worked the dye into his hair. His boyfriend was talking about something, but truthfully he wasn't paying attention. He frowned as his thoughts wandered and he hoped Noah wouldn't mind that he had missed what he was saying. It had been a few weeks now since they talked about Echo Lake and Luke had a lot weighing on his mind. He had thought that talking about it would help, but now he felt like he had more questions than answers. He wanted to bring it up to Noah again, and he was sure his boyfriend wouldn't mind if he did but…

He bit his lip and let the thought trail off not really sure where he was going with it. That had happened a lot over the past few weeks. He would start thinking about something only to stop and reroute his thoughts until he found he was going in circles and had no idea what he was trying to figure out. Writing wasn't much help nowadays either. The words were there, and he could make complete sentences but when he tried to put those thoughts to paper they faded away so quickly it was as if they hadn't been there at all.

He wondered if somehow he was just having a setback, but then he wasn't sure how to tell. Noah's fingers in his hair Luke sat silently as Noah's fingers worked the dye into his hair. His boyfriend was talking about something, but truthfully he wasn't paying attention. He frowned as his thoughts wandered and he hoped Noah wouldn't mind that he had missed what he was saying. It had been a few weeks now since they talked about Echo Lake and Luke had a lot weighing on his mind. He had thought that talking about it would help, but now he felt like he had more questions than answers. He wanted to bring it up to Noah again, and he was sure his boyfriend wouldn't mind if he did but…

He bit his lip and let the thought trail off not really sure where he was going with it. That had happened a lot over the past few weeks. He would start thinking about something only to stop and reroute his thoughts until he found he was going in circles and had no idea what he was trying to figure out. Writing wasn't much help nowadays either. The words were there, and he could make complete sentences but when he tried to put those thoughts to paper they faded away so quickly it was as if they hadn't been there at all.

He wondered if somehow he was just having a setback, but then he wasn't sure how to tell. Noah's fingers in his hair reminded him of the hands that used to put the electrodes on his bare head. He wasn't sure where that thought came from. It seemed so out of place with how he had been thinking lately. Normally Noah's hands in his hair felt good. He loved how those fingers felt against his scalp, and Noah as always was nothing short of gentle with him. But today the fingers brought back moments he wished he could forget.

*Flash*

He could still hear the razor that took away his hair minutes ago. The sound buzzed in his ears and he didn't think he'd ever forget it. His eyes were closed tightly and if he had been allowed to he would have cried. Fingers were touching his head, rubbing and tapping as if trying to find a good spot before they placed something cold and sticky against it.

*end flash*

His eyes were closed tightly as he tried to fight off the fear that threatened to assault him. He didn't want Noah to know he was afraid It was crazy really this wasn't the first time Noah's fingers had been in his hair and he liked it…he tried to remember that but the discomfort was still there lurking in the shadows just waiting to overwhelm him.

"Luke?" Noah's voice seeped through the fog and he turned to look into his boyfriend's concerned gaze. "Are you okay? Have you heard anything I said?"

Luke frowned and shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said trying to smile. "I guess I got lost in my thoughts there for a minute. Is it time to wash out the dye?" He hoped Noah wouldn't call his bluff. He didn't want him to think he was weak again. Noah believed he was getting stronger, and he was…he could fight this. There was nothing to be scared of. He just had to tell himself that again and again until his heart believed it. That seemed to be quite the feat though.

Noah frowned as he looked at his boyfriend trying to figure out if Luke was hiding something or not. He saw something in that gaze, a plea that he acknowledged for the moment. Now was not the time to push the envelope where Luke was concerned. "Yes," he said placing a hand on Luke's shoulder. "IT's time to wash the goo out of your hair so we can condition it."

"Goo?" Luke giggled which was exactly the reaction Noah had been going for. "Okay, I'm ready to be a brunet again."

"You know if you're bored with the brown we can always add streaks," Noah teased.

"No," Luke laughed outright. "You are not putting streaks in my hair."

"Why not," Noah smirked. "I bet you'd look adorable in stripes."

"Noah!" Luke exclaimed reacting just the way Noah had hoped. He chuckled and steered his boyfriend towards the sink. For the moment he had managed to take Luke's mind off of things but he didn't know how long that would last.

"Do you like it?" Luke asked as he ran his fingers through his hair. His towel dropped to the floor and his newly colored tresses fell in his eyes.

"It looks nice," Noah said tilting his head to the side so he could admire his handy work. "You know you make a pretty gorgeous brunet."

Luke blushed and pushed the locks out of his face again, completely unaware of how much the gesture further proved Noah's point. "You shouldn't say things like that," he said shyly.

"I only speak the truth, Luke. Do you want to help me clean all of this up?" Noah asked even as he started to clear the table of all the hair products and the dye.

"Okay," Luke replied pushing away from the counter.

"Luke, slow down," Noah warned even as Luke's foot made contact with the towel he had dropped earlier. He slipped and flailed his arms in an attempt to keep his balance. He landed on the floor with a thud and rested his head against the cool tile in an attempt to recover.

His eyes closed as a wave of humiliation washed over him. He couldn't believe he had been so stupid, and clumsy.

"Luke," he heard Noah's voice above him, but still he couldn't bring himself to open his eyes. "Luke are you alright? Come on, it's time to get up."

*Flash*

His eyes opened wide as he felt the hand shaking him none too gently. Cold eyes glared down at him and Luke gulped. He knew it was pointless to fight when Sam came for him. "Come on, it's time to get up, Snyder," the towering giant said before yanking him out of bed. He hated the unexpected sessions; the one that could happen at any given time during the night. It didn't matter if it was midnight or if you had to be up at the crack of dawn. The sessions couldn't be missed.

*end flash*

"Luke come on," Noah's voice filtered through his thoughts. "It's time to get up. I want to make sure you're okay. Noah suddenly looked so big from Luke's vantage point. He was a towering giant and with every step he was moving closer to Luke, ready to grab at him if he didn't get away.

"Don't touch me," he shrieked as he rolled over and scampered away. Noah watched perplexed as Luke hid under the table.

"I'm sorry," he said as he came to kneel down in front of the table. "Whatever I did, Luke, I'm sorry I didn't mean to frighten you."

Luke frowned and rested his head against the table leg. He was trying his best to calm down, and now he felt bad. Noah thought this was his fault…and that couldn't have been further from the truth. He wasn't sure what was wrong with him. All of a sudden he was having flashbacks again, and what was worse is that Noah seemed to be triggering them.

"It's not you," he said finally coming from under the table. He used it to pull himself to his feet and waited for Noah to stand before he continued. "It's me, and I'm sorry. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Are you sure?" Noah asked his tone full of concern.

"I wasn't running away from you just then," Luke confessed softly. "I was running away from Sam."

"Sam?" Noah asked confused. "Why?"

"He used to hover over me like that right before he dragged me to the room."

"So, me hovering over you like that was the problem?" Noah questioned as he tried to understand what Luke was telling him.

"It was your words, Noah. " Luke explained even as he moved to take Noah's hand into his. "Your words were the same ones Sam used, and I don't know why it just triggered the bad memories."

"And when I was dying your hair?" Noah pressed. "Did that trigger a memory too?"

"Are you mad?"

"NO…no, Luke. Not at all. I just don't want to do something that will hurt you in the long run.

"Should I be having setbacks Noah? Is that why the flashbacks happen?"

Noah squeezed Luke's hand and led him out of the kitchen. They settled down on the couch and he used his free hand to run his fingers through Luke's dark hair. "Have you been having any headaches?" he asked moments later.

"No," Luke shook his head. "I haven't had a headache in a while. That's a good thing right?"

"You used to have them all the time when you thought about things," Noah mused. "I remember trying to figure out what caused them."

"What did you notice," Luke asked curiously.

"Damian agitates you," Noah responded seriously. "I noticed it when you first came home…that day in the park remember?"

"I think so," Luke said nodding as he tried to place the memory. "He wanted me to come live with him, but I told him no. I didn't want to burden him, especially since he's sick."

"What?" Noah said raising his eyebrows. "What are you talking about, Luke. Damian's as healthy as a horse."

"He looks like it, but he's dying of this rare disease. He told me right before he took me to Echo Lake."

"How long before?" Noah asked curiously.

Luke frowned as his thumb grazed Noah's hand. "Just days. Everything happened so quickly, Noah. He told me he was sick, Mom fell down the stairs and he wanted me to go back to Malta with him. I…we were supposed to go to Malta after I came back from Echo Lake. You believe me right?"

"I believe you," Noah said carefully. "That's never going to change, Luke. I'll always believe you. On the other hand I don't trust Damian as far as I can throw him. I think he lied to you about being sick."

"You're sure," Luke asked frowning. That just didn't make sense. Why would someone lie about something like that?

"As sure as I am that I love you," Noah replied easily. "I can easily find out for you if you really want to know."

"Would you?" Luke frowned. "It's not that I don't believe you, Noah. If you told me the sky was purple I'd believe it but, it's just that's a big lie you know? It's horrible. Why would you let someone believe you were dying?"

"I wonder why he was so desperate to get you to go to Malta with him," Noah mused thoughtfully. "I mean why would he want to take you away from your family and your friends."

"Well," Luke started thoughtfully, "At the time I didn't really have many friends. I mean real friends honestly. Will was my friend; he was the one that convinced me to tell Mom and Dad. And then there was Kevin…and the basketball team but truthfully I wouldn't say I had many friends."

"What about Maddie?" Noah asked curiously? 

"Well she was Gwen's best friend, and she was dating Casey but we weren't really close either. I think I felt alone a lot back then."

"So it was easy for Damian to isolate you" Noah said as the pieces began to come together. "And when your mom got hurt, it was the last straw so to speak and-"

"I thought Damian was the only one who truly got me," Luke spoke before he could finish his thought. "Dad was upset with me and I saw the paper, and Damian said that it was for the best if I just left. Noah none of this makes any sense." Luke frowned. "I don't even know if I want to understand it, it's so twisted. I don't know what's right or wrong, or good or bad. I don't know up from down and left from…from right and I don't trust myself I'm just so stupid."

"Okay, none of that," Noah said capturing Luke's cheeks between his hands, cupping them ever so gently. "You may be a lot of things, Luke Snyder, but stupid is definitely not one of them. Do you understand me?"

Luke nodded his head as he blinked away the tears that threatened to spill forth. He didn't think he could have loved Noah more than he did in that moment, and he wasn't truly sure why. It was as if Noah had proven yet again that the one thing he wanted to do more than anything was to take care of him.

"Why do you think thinking about Damian caused my headaches?"

Noah looked up from the website he had been looking at and gauged Luke's expression before he would answer the question. Luke had been writing in his journal all afternoon while Noah tinkered with the computer. He had just received an email from a friend of his when Luke spoke. His boyfriend's expression was thoughtful, and it made Noah wonder what he had been writing down.

"Honestly I think you wanted to block that part out," he replied, allowing his eyes to focus on the email once more. "IT's like you knew what he had done, but the idea that he could have betrayed you was too hurtful. You couldn't handle it, so you repressed it.

"You make it sound so simple," Luke sighed as he ran a hand through his hair.

Silence fell as Noah read the email his hacker friend had sent. Luke wondered what his boyfriend was reading that put a frown on his face, but he wouldn't ask. He knew Noah would say something when the time was right.

"It's not simple at all," Noah said closing the computer so he could focus on Luke. "You've had to deal with a lot of betrayal in the past year, Luke. And to think that the one person you thought understood you was somehow harming you…it just didn't make for a good situation."

"Have I always had a bad reaction to Damian?"

"Well you have since I have known you," Noah explained thoughtfully. "I mean besides the headaches I can recall one time you had such a severe reaction to him that it caused you to have a seizure."

"Really?" Luke asked surprised by what he was hearing. "When?"

"When you were in the hospital," Noah told him. Damian was in your room and the machines, they started going crazy and you were shaking and convulsing it was very scary."

"Was that before I woke up?" Luke asked.

"Yes."

"Hmmm," Luke said frowning. "I had this dream where Damian told me I would be able to take my place in the Grimaldi family. Did that really happen?"

"It may have," Noah admitted. "I didn't hear what he said to you, Luke. I just know that you didn't react well and after that he was forbidden from coming into your room at all."

"So, somehow my reactions were me trying not to think about his betrayal?" Luke mused out loud. Noah nodded as he watched his boyfriend's face cloud over with gloom. It was evident this new development made him sad, but he didn't regret telling him. He knew Luke was more capable to handle the news now then he would have been a few months ago. "Noah," he said after a long stretch of silence.

"Yes, Luke."

"Do you think I'm an awful person?"

The question was so sad, yet so sincere and it broke Noah's heart. "You're one of the best people I know, Luke. There isn't an awful bone in your body."

"Then why do my own parents seem intent on changing me?"

"Because sometimes parents don't think about what their actions do to their kids," Noah replied as the answer occurred to him. "They think about how these decisions affect them, and not so much about what it must be doing to their kids. They don't get that their opinions hold so much weight and that what we fear is the rejection."

"Then they get upset with you for keeping secrets," Luke added softly. "And they don't get that their reaction is exactly why you didn't want to say anything."

"Do you regret it?" Noah asked seriously. "Do you wish you wouldn't have told them?"

"No," Luke replied shaking his head as he looked at his boyfriend. "Do I wish they would have reacted differently? Sure. Do I wish that I wouldn't have been sent away to Echo Lake…definitely. But what I want, Noah is to be me. And I couldn't be me if I wasn't honest with myself and with them. And that's the important thing right? I needed to be honest with me."

"Yeah, me too," Noah said a soft smile crossing his lips. "No one can truly accept us for who we are if we aren't true with ourselves, and the trick is that as long as we are what other people may think or do won't hurt so much. Do you think I'm an awful person, Luke?"

"Of course not," Luke said quickly. "Your father is just too dumb to realize what a great person you are and that's his loss. I love you because you are you, and I wouldn't change anything about you."

Noah pulled Luke close and kissed his nose tenderly before pressing their lips together for a brief kiss. "The same goes for you," he whispered softly "You are an incredible human being, and I personally like learning new things about you every day. If Damian can't see you for you then you're better off without him. And only you can stop him from hurting you, Luke."

"If I try will you?"

"Yes," Noah said pulling him close once more. He lifted Luke's chin and kissed him deeply.

Luke slipped his arms around Noah's neck and kissed him back with such fervor he surprised himself. When they pulled apart they were both out of breath and he kissed Noah' one last time before pulling back to look at him. "Not that I am complaining," he said a slight blush tinting his cheeks, "But what was that for?"

"I just wanted you to know how proud I am of you," Noah explained.

"Will you always kiss me like that when you're proud of me?" Luke smiled that teasing grin that Noah was quickly becoming addicted to.

"Keep smiling like that and I just might," Noah said biting his lip.

"I'll bear that in mind," Luke laughed and looked away shyly.

"On a serious note," Noah said, his fingers gently moving to turn Luke's face back towards him. "I want to thank you."

"For what?" Luke asked puzzled.

"For helping me to realize that I need to be okay with being me. I know you are grateful to me for helping you learn all this stuff, but the truth is I'm learning too, and I don't think I'd be where I am today if not for you. So thank you."

_February 5, 2008_

_I think Luke will be ready to see people soon. Not a lot of them, I'm not going to make that mistake again. The plan is to introduce one person into his world at a time. It's just easier that way, to get him used to having them around again. He told me he his one worry is that his family will somehow be mad at him. I don't' think he has anything to worry about, but I am taking that into consideration. _

_Ever since Luke's fever broke he has been remembering a lot more. And we have had many conversations about what happened to him at Echo Lake. I think it is very encouraging that he is able to talk to me without having blackouts or headaches. I don't know if he completely realizes how much he has changed since that first day months ago. That's why I make sure to tell him I'm proud of him. He's come a long way, and I want to make sure he knows that his instincts and his thoughts are okay. _

_Sometimes he is still hesitant, but that is to be expected. I think I am helping him a lot. And I know for a fact that he is helping me. He has taught me so much in the few months that I have known him and I think it's important that I write that in this log. Luke is a special person, and I'm glad that I know him. I want everyone to know just how important he is, and they need to know along with him that he is very, very loved._

_That's very important, especially since he is starting to realize that Damian has betrayed him a lot. I don't know that he is taking that very well. He's trying too, but I've been in his position and I know what it's like to realize your parent is not what you think they are. Of course I think Luke may know that a lot better than I do, but that can't make it any easier. I have a feeling that when he sees Damian again he is going to let him have it. And if that doesn't convince Damian that Luke doesn't need brain surgery then I don't know what will._

_In the meantime Luke has been working on facing his fears, and sometimes he conquers more than one a day. I really am proud of him for taking his life back like this. It can't be very easy with what he was taught at the camp. He still asks my opinion before he does things, and he waits for me to tell him what to do…but it's not as evident as it used to be. I don't know if that's the correct word, but it's like now he does it because he just wants my opinion as opposed to a few months ago when he wouldn't take a step unless I told him it was okay. I am fairly confident that if someone came to the door, like his grandmother, I wouldn't have to tell him the proper thing to do would be to let her in. He'd know that automatically. _

_He really is getting better, and I'm falling deeper in love with him with every second. And I firmly believe bringing him back to Oakdale now was the best decision to make._

February 10, 2008

I'm all alone in the house at the moment, but I know that won't be for very long. Noah went to town and he will be back with someone for me to see. It's time for me to face another fear, and I think I'm ready for it. He didn't tell me who he was bringing…I told him not to. If I knew too much it would freak me out, and I need my reaction to be fresh…if that makes any sense. It's like if I knew my dad was coming I would be panicked that he wouldn't recognize me, and that somehow I would unknowingly disappoint him. I think I know who he's going to bring back, but I'm trying not to dwell on it.

It has been an interesting week. I have opened up to Noah a lot more since the day we used the video camera. It's like my mind is this volcano and it was suddenly ready to erupt and I can't stop it. I have a lot to say, many stories to tell and not enough time to write it all down. I think my mind works a lot faster than my hand and the pen. I like talking to Noah though; he is always very patient with me. He doesn't expect too much, and I like it when he tells me he is proud of me. It helps me to realize that I am doing something right.

There is still so much I need to share with him, and I will in time. I'm so angry at my parents…well not Dad, but I'm angry with my mom and Damian. It upsets me so much and I don't even know if Angry is the right word to explain what I feel. There is a lot of hurt in my heart and a lot of pain that I haven't even tapped into. I just don't understand it. I don't get what I could have done that was so wrong that they would want to do that to me. Noah says I need to not think about it that way, but I can't help it sometimes. We both said we are going to try to define our lives by our own choices instead of our parents' but I am realizing that is easier said than done. But I am going to do it, because I know that he will do it too. I have faith in him, and for some reason he has faith in me as well.

Okay, I hear Noah outside, I am going to go wait and see who he brought to see me. I will report back later.

_Luke closed his journal just as the key turned in the lock and Noah appeared in the doorway. His cheeks were rosy from the cold, and there were white flecks on his hat, an indicator that it had been snowing outside. Luke smiled warmly and tried to look around him to see who he had brought along. "Are you trying to surprise me?" he asked when he couldn't manage to sneak a peek._

_Noah shook his head and smiled before stepping aside to reveal their guest._

"_Grandmother!" Luke exclaimed startling the elderly woman who stepped into the room. Noah closed the door and leaned against it to watch the reunion, his smile never fading as Luke wrapped his arms around Lucinda and held her tight._

"_My boy," Lucinda exclaimed when she was able to pull out of the embrace. She kissed both of Luke's cheeks and took his hands into hers. "Let me get a look at you darling. You look so different, so grown up, and look at that hair! I trust that Noah has been taking good care of you, yes?"_

"_Yes, Grandma. He has been taking very good care of me. Did you recognize me even with the hair?" he asked and Lucinda could tell just how important the question was to him._

"_Darling, I would know my precious grandson anywhere. I see your eye color is different too hmmm. You look quite handsome and so grown up. I barely see my precious little boy anymore."_

"_I'm still here," Luke insisted, sounding like a five year old as he smiled at his grandmother. "IT's me, I swear."_

"_Oh you," Lucinda said pinching her grandsons' cheeks before she moved away to remove her coat and scarf. Luke helped her and Noah offered her something to drink. "A glass of water would be fine darling, unless you have tea."_

"_I can make some tea," Luke offered as he took his grandmother's things and pu7t them in the closet. "I will be right back."_

""_He seems okay," Lucinda said as she watched her grandson leave the room. "I wouldn't think he was sick at all."_

"_That's because he's not," Noah remarked as he joined Lucinda on the couch. "Luke is as fit and healthy as you or I are. And as far as his mind, well now that he's away from all the negative influences he's doing okay, and he is fully aware of what's going on around him."_

"_My daughter says he needed some type of brain surgery," Lucinda said frowning. "Are you telling me the doctors were wrong?"_

"_That's exactly what I'm saying," Noah nodded as he looked in the direction of the kitchen. He didn't want Luke to overhear and get the wrong impression. He was getting better at not jumping to conclusions, but this wasn't a time to test it. Grandmother or no, Lucinda was a virtual stranger to Luke's mindset and the last thing Noah wanted to do was make Luke fear her. "Look, Damian and Lily wanted Luke to have surgery, risky surgery that could have harmed him. Luke didn't' need the surgery, and if you spend a few minutes with him here you will know that as well as I do. I've been with him for months, Mrs. Walsh and I can assure you that Luke knows what he wants._

"So what should I do, son? What should I do to make sure I don't mess this up? I want to have a nice visit with my grandson, but I will adhere to you since you have been taking care of him. Just tell me what you need from me?"

"Just talk to him," Noah suggested. "Don't treat him like something's wrong. You'll realize soon that he really is the same boy, just a little older and maybe even a little wiser."

"I will bear that in mind, darling." Lucinda said as Luke returned to the room with their drinks. "Thank you dear," she said when Luke handed her the tea.

"I made it just like I remembered you liked it, with two sugars and a little milk," he explained as he settled down on the couch.

"Did you make yourself a cup of tea, Luke?" Noah asked as his boyfriend handed him a cup as well.

"I gave you and grandmother the last tea bags," Luke explained sadly. "But that's okay, I don't mind."

"We'll share," Noah said handing him the cup. He allowed their hands to touch for a moment before letting go.

"Thanks Noah," Luke said taking a sip before setting the cup down on the table. He wasn't really sure what to say to his grandmother, though he was very happy to see her. She looked well, which was good since the last time he could remember actually talking to her she was still dealing with the cancer. "Can I ask you something Grandma?"

"Of course, Darling. You can ask me anything." Lucinda said sipping on her tea before placing her mug beside Luke's. "What's on your mind?"

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," Luke explained. "I mean you haven't gotten sick again right? The Cancer didn't come back?"

"OH honey," Lucinda said taking her grandson's hands into her own. "You don't need to worry about that."

"We were supposed to look out for each other, remember?" Luke asked frowning. "I haven't been very good at that, and I'm sorry. But you are doing okay right? I mean you're healthy."

"As a horse," Lucinda assured him. "And there will be none of that blaming yourself for thing nonsense alright? You couldn't have taken care of me, you were away. And the important thing is that you are okay. Are you truly okay, darling. Is Noah taking exceptional care of you here?"

"Noah took very good care of me while I was sick," Luke explained as he reached for the cup of tea which Noah handed him. "I haven't had any more blackouts or headaches. And I seem to be remembering a lot so I think being sick helped a little. Right?" He asked turning his attention to Noah for confirmation.

Noah nodded and watched Lucinda's reactions to what was going on. She remained calm and at peace which was a good thing. He didn't want anything to happen that would set Luke off. He was doing much better now, but there was no way to tell if the smallest thing wouldn't still hurt him; and Noah wished to avoid that at all costs.

"Well I definitely think that is good, Darling," Lucinda spoke up, her hand touching Luke's knee. Noah didn't think she noticed but Luke's knee jerked ever so slightly at her touch. Noah reached forward and squeezed Luke's hand to calm him a bit, and he was relieved when Luke started to relax again. "Now I have heard your mother's version of events, and Damian's for that matter. I want to hear from you though. How did you come to be with Noah? Have you been with him this whole time? Do Damian and Lily know this?"

"Everyone thinks Noah just left town," Luke explained easily. Noah had to smile; he was very proud of his boyfriend at the moment, and he couldn't wait to tell him that later. "He helped me to get away, and then I have been with him ever since. Noah loves me, Grandma, and I love him too. Is that okay?"

"Of course it's okay. I only want you to be happy, Darling. And you are happy…I can see it in your eyes that you are in good hands with Noah."

"I don't feel so lonely anymore," Luke admitted. "And I'm starting to be okay with who I am."

"Good," Lucinda said and even Noah could tell she was sincere. "That's good, because you are very special to me and to a lot of other people, Luciano."

Luke winced and Noah immediately placed a hand on his shoulder to steady him. "I don't think he likes that name," He explained when Lucinda frowned. Luke frowned and his eyes grew sad and Noah figured it may be time for the meeting to end.

"I'm sorry, Darling," Lucinda said lifting her grandson's chin and brushing the hair off his face. "I'm sure that name brings back some awful memories. You like just being Luke don't you?"

"I'm a Snyder, Grandma. I don't want to be associated with the Grimaldi name at all."

"You won't get any argument from me there, dear. I've been trying to get Damian to leave town for a year."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Luke. You can ask me anything."

"Damian told me he was dying last year. Noah doesn't seem to believe that to be the case. And I believe Noah. What do you think?"

Lucinda's face clouded over with something that Noah could only guess was anger, but it passed quickly as she looked at her grandson. "The nerve of that man to worry you like this," she fumed. "He is not sick at all unless we are talking about his head."

Noah hid a smile and leaned in so he could whisper in Luke's ear. "Don't you dare start feeling bad for believing Damian's story. He's still your father Luke, and he played on your good heart and your compassion. You are not stupid, or idiotic or any other words your head may be thinking of right now. I won't let you put yourself down okay?"

Luke was silent for a long moment before turning completely to bury himself into Noah's embrace. Noah held on to him and looked at Lucinda apologetically, even as his hands rubbed soothing circles down Luke's back. Lucinda for her credit didn't utter a word as she watched the scene unfold before her. A gentle smile crossed her lips as she saw the pureness of the love between the two boys before her.

It was evident that Noah would lay down his life for Luke; she had no doubt about that. And Luke's devotion to Noah was never as clear as it was in that moment. It warmed her heart to see someone caring for her grandson in this way. He deserved to be loved and taken care of. It was nice to see that Noah was doing a better job than any of them had done as of late. If they had been paying more attention, Luke wouldn't have slipped right under their radar.

She wasn't sure how much time passed before the boys pulled apart and Luke turned his attention back to her. He was much calmer now after the embrace and he started talking a mile a minute. The action made her smile as she listened to him talk about their bust trip and the decision to dye his blond hair brown. She heard nothing but good things about Noah and it only stood to endear him to her more. She appreciated anyone who could put a smile on her grandson's face; that was for certain.

When he asked about his siblings she let him know that they were doing alright. They missed him terribly and couldn't wait for him to come home. His expression was sad as she talked about Faith's dance recital and Natalie's little league games. He liked hearing about his baby brother, even though it made him sad to think the little guy was growing up so fast, and he was missing it. The sparkle Noah saw in his eyes convinced Noah that somehow the kids had to be the next ones who knew Luke was there. Of course they would have to keep the info to themselves, but he thought seeing them would be good for Luke.

When Luke started rubbing his eyes and yawning Noah knew it was time to bring the visit to a close. His boyfriend was trying valiantly to smile and laugh at everything Lucinda was saying, and the exertion was putting a strain on his still healing body. He truly shouldn't be tired, it wasn't even evening yet. Luke rested his head against Noah's shoulder and Noah absently started playing with his hair as he looked at Lucinda.

"IS he alright?" she asked her features quickly conveying how worried she was about her grandson.

"He's still recovering," Noah explained, and I think he overdid it today."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, darling. I should know better, I know how long it takes my grandson to get back on his feet after he's been sick. Sometimes it takes longer then the illness. I will be on my way then. Will you be up for another visit soon, Luke?"

"Is it okay if we talk on the phone?" Luke asked, opening one eye to peer at his grandmother who smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek.

"That is more than okay. I will purchase a track phone for you immediately. I will be seeing you soon, darling. I love you."

"I love you too grandma," Luke said a soft smile crossing his lips.

"Don't worry about getting up," Lucinda said when Noah made a move to extract himself from Luke. "I will see myself out, Noah. You just continue to take exceptional care of my grandson. I leave him in capable hands and I want it to stay that way. Are we clear?"

"I don't think anyone could possibly care about him as much as I do, Ma'am."

"I don't doubt it," Lucinda agreed. She kissed Noah on the cheek before grabbing her coat and letting herself out of the cabin. Silence reigned for a long time after the door closed. Luke closed his eyes and snuggled up close to Noah who continued to run his fingers through the dark brown hair. When he felt Luke's even breaths against his chest he smiled and kissed the top of his boyfriend's head.

"I'm proud of you, Luke," He said as he rested his chin in the dark hair and hugged him closer. "You did good, and I love you."


	30. Chapter 30

It was mid-afternoon before Luke had a moment to relax. He settled down at the kitchen table with his journal and tapped his foot on the floor as he leafed through the pages. Sometimes he allowed himself to read back over the earlier entries, and it amazed him just how much had changed in just a month's time. Noah often said that his thoughts were becoming more coherent every day, but Luke also noticed that his entries were considerably longer as well. Sometimes, depending on what he was talking about he'd fill more than one page with words. Every page told a story of his thoughts, his fears and what he was doing to overcome them. Even with the two weeks he missed he still managed to fill the book, and before long he would have to get a new journal.

He flipped to an empty page and stared at it for a moment, trying to figure out what exactly he needed to say today. It was Valentines' Day; a day that usually depressed him because he had no one to share it with. That all changed today though; for the first time in his life he wasn't alone, and he wouldn't be for as long as Noah was in his life. He was banking on forever with that, but he could be realistic. He knew sometimes life took things in ways no one expected, so anything was possible.

He twirled his pen in his hand as he allowed his gaze to roam around the kitchen. He had been pretty busy all morning while Noah was out. His boyfriend didn't tell him where he was going, and Luke was starting to get used to being alone sometimes. It was fine since he always knew that Noah was coming back. Sometimes he wondered if Noah did this on purpose; if his goal was to make sure Luke regained his independence. IT would be just like Noah to think like that.

He was home alone but he certainly hadn't been idle, and he hoped that Noah would like what he had planned. He worried that Noah might think he was being silly, but he rationed that silly was never a word Noah used to describe his ideas or his thoughts so surely this was okay too. A timer sounded behind him and he placed the pen down to check on the oven.

When he returned to the table he settled down, picked up his pen and ran his fingers through his hair with his free hand. A soft smile crossed his lips as he printed the date on top of the paper and started to write.

_February 14, 2008_

_I hope Noah likes the surprise I am cooking up for him today. I wanted to do something nice since its Valentine's Day and all. I've never had anyone special to share today with, so I thought it was only right to mark the occasion with something. Hopefully Noah will like it, and wont' think I'm silly. I don't know how these things work actually. Do guys even celebrate or is it too girly? Actually that is a strange question. I mean I know guys celebrate it. I can remember my dad bringing my mom roses and a box of her favorite chocolates. He would whisk her away for a romantic evening, just the two of them…he would do all of that for her and I'm sure it made him happy too. Mom's happiness meant a lot to dad…I'm sure he misses her today. I wish I could call him._

_Anyway, I think the point of Valentine's Day is to celebrate love and that is nice. I also think that love isn't something to be celebrated once a year either. What is it that song says? The one by Stevie Wonder…I just called to say I love you. IT doesn't have to be a special day just as the song indicates, it just because and that's the real point. People go all out on Valentine's Day, but somehow it gets too commercial._

_And with that in mind I totally veered off topic. I didn't buy Noah anything…but I wanted to make him something special. He's always doing all the cooking (sometimes I help), but today I wanted to cook for him. I used some of my Grandma Emma's recipes and I am excited to see if Noah likes what I have prepared. I asked Noah what his favorite foods were and prepared them. For example he likes Meat Loaf made with Ground turkey, with Rosemary and roasted peppers. Meat Loaf can be very messy, I remember Grandma making it often and it fascinated me that she used her hands to mush all the meat and ingredients because it helped to mix things together better. My grandma is the best cook ever._

_Noah also liked whipped potatoes with garlic, butter and cheese. And his favorite vegetable is cabbage. I made Apple Cinnamon cornbread too, and for dessert I tried to be daring. I looked up a recipe for Red Velvet cake online, and I attempted it. I'm waiting to see if it comes out right. Red Velvet is Noah's favorite cake and he hasn't had it in a long time. I wish I could do more for him then just cook, but for now this will have to do. _

_I miss him though. I want him to come back home so we can spend some time together. He's out being mysterious again. And I know he will probably laugh when he reads this entry. Sometimes I think he leaves me on purpose, but that doesn't make me sad. I don't get scared when he leaves anymore because I am finally certain and secure that he will always come back. I'm also fairly certain that I could talk about Noah all day if I was given the opportunity to. He's always on my mind. I really can't help that. I just really love the guy._

_I need to think about my fear of the day though. There have been so many fears and I haven't even come close to tackling them all. I've made progress though, Noah seems to think so. See there I go again bringing him up. He makes me smile and last year around this time the last thing I wanted to do was smile. I was so sad. IT's weird to think that I was still at Echo Lake last year. Sometimes it seems so long ago, then other times it feels like yesterday. So much has happened since I came home; it's hard to reconcile the time and the situations. I truly don't know how I managed to get here, though I know that I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for Noah and to some extent my dad. _

_I don't think I'm ready to face my fear of people just yet…or at least not my fear of crowds. I do think it's time for me to reconnect with someone from my life. I don't know who, I will leave that up to Noah. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes. And plus I know he has my best interests at heart. Today I feel like I want to ask him what I can do to make him happy. I mean, I want that more than anything, to make him happy with me. And I know what he will say. He will tell me that he is already happy, and I believe him to an extent. I just think it's something we need to talk about. I know he gave up a lot to help me, and I truly appreciate that. There has to be something I can do for him._

_I'll have to stop for now, it's time to go check on the cake and make sure everything is ready when Noah comes home. I figure he will be back around 4 and we can eat and settle down to watch movies. I love to watch Noah watch movies. Does that sound weird? I like to watch his eyes light up as he sits there completely focused on the screen. Sometimes he wraps his arm around me and lets me rest my head against his chest as we watch. And he explains the movies to me, and doesn't get mad when I ask questions. I think I enjoy that more than the movies…even though I have grown to appreciate great cinema too. I love talking to Noah the most though. I like it when we get into conversations about anything and everything. It's just so nice to have someone to talk to. Anyway I really have to stop. I will write more later._

Noah blew on his hands in an attempt to warm them before walking into Java. He wanted to get a Large Caramel Macchiato for Luke, with extra whipped cream before he went back to the cabin. He purposely made the café his last stop so the coffee was sure to be warm when he arrived.

"Noah?" he heard his name and looked up to see Maddie walking towards him. "Noah is that you?" she said as she got closer.

"In the flesh," Noah said smiling as the petite girl gave him a hug. "Good to see you Maddie, how have you been?"

"YOU disappear for six months and all of a sudden your back and all you can say is good to see you?" Maddie laughed. "YOU have a lot of explaining to do, Mayer!"

"Can it wait? I need to get coffee then I have to finish running errands." Lying was so effortless, and he had forgotten how easy it came to him sometimes. He hated himself for doing this to Maddie, but it was important that she not know until Luke was ready for her to know. OF course he wasn't lying exactly; he did have errands to run. Maddie didn't have to know that he actually already ran them.

"How long have you been back in Oakdale?"

"Just a little over a month," He responded as they entered the café. HE went to the counter and ordered his drink before turning to face Maddie. "I've been here since Christmas."

"And why am I just finding this out?" Maddie asked placing her hands on her hips as she looked up at him. "I mean you resigned from WOAK and just disappeared in the middle of July. And I don't know if you've heard but Luke went missing too. Well actually I don't think he's missing. Honestly I think his father took him." Noah raised an eyebrow asking her to clarify the statement. "MR. Snyder," she corrected as she pushed a strand of hair behind her ear

"I'm sorry I haven't been in touch, Maddie. My boyfriend was a little under the weather and I had to take care of him."

"You have a boyfriend," Maddie practically squealed startling the barista who was bringing Noah his coffee. "When can I meet him?"

"When the time is right," Noah said smiling. "I have to go, Maddie. But I will be in touch. Can you do me a favor though…don't tell anyone you saw me okay?"

"Wait you can't leave that fast," Maddie said taking his arm. "Was your boyfriend the reason why you left town?"

Noah hid a smile and shook his head. He had forgotten how persistent Maddie could be. She had become a good friend to him in the short time that they knew each other. "Yes," he said honestly. "I left town because of him…and now we're back. I need to get this to him before it gets cold. HE gets cranky when his coffee is cold."

"Well, we can't have that now can we?" Noah shook his head and left the café, with Maddie right behind him. "So you don't want me to tell anyone I saw you?" she asked a frown crossing her lips. "Do you even care that Luke Is not here? I know you two seemed to be hitting it off before you disappeared."

"If Luke is with his dad then he's fine," Noah said shrugging his shoulders. "Now I have to go…I'll be in touch."

"Alright," Maddie said reluctantly. She gave Noah a hug and stepped back ready to turn and head back for the café.

Noah sighed and placed the coffee in the cup holder before calling after his friend. "Hey, Maddie."

Maddie turned around and looked at him, waiting for him to speak.

"For what it's worth, I don't think Luke needed the operation. "When I last saw him he was more than fine."

Maddie smiled. "Happy Valentine's Day, Noah."

He watched her walk away before slipping behind the wheel and putting the car in drive. Soon he was headed back towards he cabin and Luke. He had to admit that while it was necessary for Luke to have days by himself, he missed him something fierce. He liked being around him, listening to him talk, and watching him simultaneously try to write while at the same time pushing his dark hair out of his eyes. He loved being there when Luke had questions and he especially enjoyed just holding him as he ran his fingers through those silky tresses.

He sighed contentedly as he neared the cabin, hoping that Luke had had a good day by himself. He was hoping that they could just relax today, maybe catch a movie and share one of their conversations. He knew it was Valentine's Day and he wanted it to be special for Luke. This day had never been important to him. He could remember back in school watching the kids pass valentines around, and the one time he was lucky enough to receive a valentine his father threw a fit. Chocolate hearts were not allowed and by the time he was old enough to really appreciate what the holiday truly meant all it did was depress him.

This year though he got it, and he understood what it meant to truly love someone. He loved Luke with all his heart and while he didn't need a special day to tell him that, he thought it would be nice to give Luke a positive memory, since he was certain Valentine's Day at Echo Lake had been less then pleasant.

A delicious aroma met his nose as soon as he entered the house. He smiled appreciatively as he sniffed and called for his boyfriend who wasn't sitting in his usual place. "Luke where are you?"

"IN the kitchen," Luke called out as he pulled on a potholder to remove the pan from the oven.

"Hey what are you doing-" Noah said stopping short when he stepped into the kitchen where the smell of roasted peppers and garlic hit him full force. "Wow you've been busy in here, I see," he said appreciatively as he admired Luke's culinary exploits. "Is that Red Velvet cake."

"Yes and it's for dessert," Luke said swatting Noah's hand away. "You have to go get ready, we're going to have dinner and then I was hoping we could just spend some time together. Is that okay?"

"You did all of this for me?" Noah asked in awe. He pulled Luke away from the counter and into his arms, smiling down at him as he awaited his response. Luke's arms immediately encircled Noah's neck and he nodded.

"I wanted to do something special for Valentine's-" The rest of his words were swallowed by Noah as he captured Luke's lips into a sweet sensual kiss that left Luke feeling a little dizzy when it was all over.

"I love this, and I love you," he whispered as their foreheads touched briefly. "Thank you."

"You should wait to thank me until you taste it," Luke said though he could feel his cheeks turning beet red. He lifted his head so he could look at his boyfriend and smiled. "Now go get dressed. I dressed up today and everything."

Noah stepped back and looked at his boyfriend more closely. He had been so preoccupied with the smells that it hadn't even occurred to him to notice what Luke was wearing. He was wearing the new slacks Noah had picked up for him and a blue sweater that Noah was certain actually belonged to him. It looked a little big on Luke, but he looked adorable with the sleeves covering his wrists. He cupped Luke's cheeks in his hands and kissed him softly, allowing his tongue to slide across Luke's lower lip before he let go completely.

"I'll be right back, and then we can eat."

Luke couldn't help but smile as Noah left the kitchen. He turned his attention to setting the table for dinner, wanting everything to be perfect for his boyfriend. His smile grew brighter when he noticed the Java cup on the table. Around the cup in red letters it said For Luke, Love Noah. He picked it up curiously and took a sip. His tongue licked the whipped cream off of his bottom lip and he took another sip, and by the time Noah finished his shower he had finished off the whole cup.

Luke held his breath as Noah took a bite of the meatloaf and stared to chew. He took it as a good sign that his boyfriend didn't start to choke, and he didn't keel over either. He continued to chew and swallowed with a satisfied look on his face. Luke released his breath and started to cut up his food to eat. He couldn't hide the smile that crossed his lips. Noah seemed to like it; maybe this wouldn't go so bad after all.

"This is really good," Noah praised as he took another bite. "All of it, Luke. This is delicious. Here try the potatoes." He said feeding him a spoonful of the whipped potatoes.

"I'm glad you like it," Luke said chewing. He finished the forkful and swallowed it down with juice before focusing on Luke again. "It's my Grandma Emma's recipe. She's the best cook…but I'm sure you know that. You've my whole family if you lived with my parents. I miss my grandma. She would let me sit in the kitchen with her while she cooked. She told me stories about how Dad would always swipe the cookies as soon as she made them. Even when she threatened him with the wooden spoon or the spatula he would still swipe a few. He was still doing that the last time I was at the farm."

"He does do that," Noah laughed. "Your Grandma is a sweetheart, Luke."

"She is," Luke agreed wistfully. He pierced a piece of meat with his fork and held it up for Noah to take a bite. "I miss her so much though. You know they say you don't know what you're missing until you don't have it anymore…or some saying like that. And that's so true, Noah. I miss being able to sit in her kitchen around all the smells while Dad was busy with the horses. When I got older Dad and I went out together to take care of the animals, and Grandma always had some treat waiting for us when we came back. I could get brownies, and cookies and Cornbread. Oh yeah you have to try this." He broke off a piece of apple cinnamon cornbread and popped it into Noah's mouth.

Noah pushed aside the thrill he got from having Luke's finger between his lips and chewed the buttery cornbread. "MMMM he' said appreciatively, "This is good." He swallowed and swiped another piece, chewing that as well before speaking again. "That is delicious. You have to make it again, okay?"

"IF you really want me too," Luke said his smile so bright that Noah swore it could light the night sky.

"I do," Noah said touching Luke's hand with his own. He moved out of his chair and pulled Luke out of his, only to take his seat, placing Luke squarely in his lap.

"Noah," Luke laughed as his boyfriend pulled the plates together and started feeding Luke. Luke did the same as Noah wrapped his arm around Luke's waist to hold him there.

"Happy Valentine's day, Luke," he said feeding him a forkful of potatoes.

Luke fed Noah some more food before leaning in to kiss him softly. "Happy Valentine's day."

They shared a slice of red velvet cake, with Luke purposely allowing Noah to eat most of it. After every bite Noah would surprise him with a kiss, and he was very much aware of the bulge he felt in Noah's pants. Still he didn't want to move, he liked being this close to Noah, and kissing him was truly addictive.

He fed Noah the last piece of cake and let out a moan when Noah kissed him again, attacking his tongue with the taste of chocolate and cream. Noah tightened his grip around Luke's waist and Luke cupped Noah's cheeks with his hands and deepened the kiss ever so slightly. He was hungry for this, it was intoxicating and he felt like he would drown from the intensity.

When breathing became a necessity they pulled apart and Luke shyly ran his fingers through his dark hair and blushed. "I didn't mean to get carried away," He admitted biting his lip. "But I really love kissing you."

Noah chuckled and kissed his nose before lifting them both out of the chair. He adjusted his pants and turned to start clearing away the dishes. "I love kissing you too," He said reaching out to touch Luke's cheek when his boyfriend stood beside him. "I apologize if I got a little um excited."

Luke bit his lip away and took the dishes to the sink with Noah close behind. They washed dishes in silence, Luke washing and Noah drying as they both got lost in their own thoughts. Noah was trying to think of anything that would easily ease his erection, and he finally settled on thoughts of the women in the magazines the guys at school always looked at. In no time he was deflated, his eyes watching Luke as he continued to clean the mixing bowl.

"Noah can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Luke." Noah said placing his hands on the counter. "You don't have to ask me if you want to ask me something. "Just ask, I wouldn't deny you anything."

Luke nodded and turned back to the dish he was washing. He was trying to phrase his question just right so he didn't sound like an idiot. Noah never thought he sounded silly, but he thought he did and this time he felt like he needed to sound like he knew what he was talking about. "Well, I wanted to ask about what we were just….I don't know what we did at the table. I mean, making out."

He glanced at Noah and was pleased to see that his boyfriend was patiently waiting for him to continue. There was no anger or tension in that gaze and that gave him the strength to continue. "I could tell that you really enjoyed what we were doing, and I guess I have been wondering what I could do to make you happy. I mean I was thinking about my fear today and I thought maybe what I had to do was to ask you what you want from me. And I think I found what you want, so all you need to do is tell me that you-"

For the second time that afternoon his words were swallowed by Noah's mouth as their lips met in another intense lip lock. Noah slowly probed Luke's mouth with his tongue, nipping on his lip gently as they continued to suck away each other's air. Luke pressed his body against Noah and wrapped his arms around him, knowing that any minute his legs were going to turn into jelly.

"You probably already know what I'm going to say don't you?" Noah asked breathlessly, as his hands combed through Luke's dark locks. "That just being with you makes me happy…and I know that's not necessarily what you're asking me right?" Luke nodded as he kept his gaze locked on Noah, a shudder sliding down his spine at the intensity of the gaze. "And you also know that I want to make you happy too, Luke. That's all I have ever wanted."

"You do make me happy," Luke's voice was soft and he wondered if Noah heard him.

Noah tilted Luke's chin and kissed him softly before running his thumb along his lips. "Seeing you get better day by day makes me happy. Watching you become more like you makes me smile, and the fact that you went through all this trouble to make me dinner, and the fact that you love me makes me the luckiest man on the face of the earth. And I believe," Noah said pressing his finger to Luke's lips to keep him from speaking; "I believe that watching you embrace your true self will give me the most joy, and I'm going to be right here with you, Luke, until it happens and afterwards."

Despite his efforts to stay upright Luke's legs gave out on him and Noah swept him into his arms and carried him into the living room. They cuddled on the couch with Luke resting his head against Noah's shoulder. "You make me feel like jelly," he giggled as he grinned up at Noah.

"And that's just kissing," Noah whispered and he could feel Luke's body tremble at the thought. They weren't ready for that step just yet, but he didn't doubt they would get there. He knew his feelings for Luke were deep and intense, and if those kisses were any indication Luke's awakened feelings were the same. He had a feeling that he could make love to his boyfriend right then and there and Luke wouldn't complain…which was exactly why he didn't. Luke had to want it because he wanted it, not just because he thought it would make Noah happy. That in fact was the point.


	31. Chapter 31

_February 15, 2008_

_It's 2am and I can't sleep. I feel like waking Noah up to talk to him, but then I think if I did that it would be selfish. He needs to sleep…even if it's partially his fault I am up! Actually I think I'm on some kind of a high, and it has nothing really to do with the caffeine I drank or all the sugar I ate. It's all Noah. _

_Valentine's Day was really nice. Dinner was a major success. Noah was very pleased with his meal, which he insisted on feeding to me. I kinda like it when we feed each other. It just seems so intimate and romantic somehow. It's like we're sharing something that no one else is a part of and I certainly wouldn't mind doing it again. I like doing just about everything with Noah._

_Sitting in his lap was nice, even though it was a little uncomfortable at first. I mean, I liked it but then I felt him getting hard and for a brief moment it terrified me. Yet the little voice inside reminded me that this was Noah, and he would never do anything to hurt me, and I could admit that it felt nice to know that I had such an effect on him. Besides, yesterday had been about making Noah happy, and I think that confronting that fear was a success._

_Noah and I talked about it…between kisses and he made sure that I knew that there was more to making him happy then just anything physical. Just being me makes him happy, and it makes me happy too. So I guess that's a good thing. We cuddled on the couch for awhile, and at some point I rested my head against his heart so I could hear it pumping. Noah says it beats just for me. I told him that sounded cheesy, but he didn't care because it was the truth. And I will admit I do like the sound of that. I think mine beats for him too._

_Noah got me the best gift too. Well it was actually several gifts. The coffee was one of them; it was sweet of him to bring that. It's been a while since I had coffee from Java. So besides that he gave me a new journal and a new pen to go with it. It's really nice. It's blue and the cover is nice and soft. He says that it will be my aftermath journal. I get what he means by that. I'm slowly regaining my ability to write, and still dealing with the after effects of Echo Lake. By the time this journal is full I should be completely okay, and since I'll have a fresh start it will be nice to have a new journal as well. I told you Noah thinks of everything._

_I also have a new phone, and a fully loaded IPod. I had explained to Noah that all our material things were taken away from us when we entered the camp. They weren't given to our parents or anything; they just took them and disposed of them. I had a very vast music collection and somehow thanks to Noah I have it again. HE also made me a playlist of songs that remind him of me. I really don't know when he has the time to do these things. I am glad he loves me enough to do them though. _

_It's almost 2:30 and I realize I have been talking about Noah non-stop since I started writing. I am no more closer to going to sleep than I was twenty minutes ago, and I feel like I need to talk to someone. Its times like these I really wish I could talk to my dad. I wonder where he is, and what he's doing right now. Well…he's probably sleeping right this second, but I meant in the general sense. Like, I hope he's taking care of himself. And I hope he doesn't miss me too much. And I hope that Mom and Damian haven't been hassling him. I keep meaning to ask Noah if I can call him, but there never seems to be a right time to ask. Maybe I should just call him myself._

Luke stared at the last paragraph for a long moment before resolving to do just that. He yawned as he reached for his new phone and dialed in his dad's number. He knew it was early in the morning, and that he probably should wait until later to call, but he wanted to hear his dad's voice.

"Hello?"

Luke smiled at the familiar voice and ran a hand through his hair as he tried to figure out what to say. It **was nice to hear his dad's voice again. **

"Hello?" the sleepy voice said again and Luke realized he had been silent for far too long. "Do you know what time it is?" 

"Dad?" he said tentatively, as he realized his father was slightly irritated…not that he blamed him.

"Luke," Holden said his voice still thick with sleep as he sat up in the bed. "Is that you buddy? Is everything okay?"

"It's me, and everything's fine. I'm sorry for calling so late or so early. I just wanted to talk to you because I miss you. And I can't sleep, and you know how good you used to be at getting me to go to sleep. Though now I feel bad that I woke you up, even though I said that I wasn't going to wake up Noah who is sleeping also."

"It's okay, buddy," Holden said smiling. "I'm glad to hear that you're okay. You sound good."

"I'm far too hyper for early in the morning," Luke laughed. "I just wanted to talk to you, is that okay?"

"Of course that's okay," Holden assured him. "You sound like you have something on your mind. Is there a reason you can't sleep?"

"Well it's either all the coffee and the sugar or the high from spending Valentine's Day with Noah?"

"How did that go?"

"I cooked for him, using Grandma's recipes. Noah said everything was delicious and he definitely wants me to make the apple cinnamon cornbread again."

"I'm proud of you, Luke. I'm glad your dinner turned out so well."

"It did, and the red velvet cake was a smash hit too…but I think I need your advice about something."

"Okay," Holden said making himself comfortable. "Shoot, what's on your mind?"

"How do you know when you are completely in love with someone? I mean…I know that there is a slight difference between loving and being in love. But how do you know you have reached that difference? And how do you tell someone that you are falling in love with them? It's scary and I'm trying not to make any mistakes. Though I think that may be par the course right?"

"I think you already know the answer to some of y our questions there, son," Holden said deliberately trying to stifle a yawn. He was not about to make Luke feel bad for calling so early. At the moment he was just glad to hear from him. "Are you trying to tell me that your feelings for Noah have grown deeper?"

"I think they have. I know Noah loves me, Dad and I have very strong feelings for him. I miss him when he's not here and even right now when he's right beside me I miss him because he's sleeping. I think about him all the time, and my last journal entry was almost completely about Noah. His name makes me smile, and I love the way it rolls off my tongue. I…I like kissing him," Luke said suddenly growing shy. He wasn't sure how much his dad really wanted to hear about his intimacies with Noah.

"I can see where kissing can be very nice," Holden replied and Luke could hear the smile in his voice. "Is that…all you have done?"

The question was awkward and it made Luke blush. Though at the same time it was nice to know that the topic was just as uncomfortable for his dad. "Well, yes we haven't done anything else…I'm not really ready for that Dad. And I don't know how to know when I am. I'm still trying to get used to the fact that I really like to French kiss. And I'm sorry for talking to you about all this. I know I must be making you uncomfortable."

"Luke, you're my son," Holden interrupted him calmly. "I love you, and if you need to talk to me about things I want you to feel like you can. I've watched you and Noah over the last few months, and seeing you together has prepared me for the inevitable…the day you commit yourself to another man. What's important here is how you feel about it, not how I feel. I know you have a lot of issues to work through though, and I want you to bear that in mind as you make your decisions okay? Don't allow Noah to pressure you."

"You don't have to worry about that, Dad," Luke assured him smile crossing his lips as he look towards his sleeping boyfriend. "Noah isn't pressuring me at all. In fact I think I surprise him sometimes with the things I say and what I do. I just want to make the right decisions, you know? I want to reconcile last year with this year and figure out which way is the right way. And I wish I could see you again. I miss you so much."

"Well whenever you and Noah make your way back to Oakdale, I'll be the first one to see you."

"You're here?" Luke said a little louder than he meant to. He covered his mouth and looked at Noah who stirred and opened his eyes blinking at his boyfriend in confusion.

"Are you okay?" he asked sitting up in bed. "Who are you talking too?"

"Shhh," Luke quieted him. "I'm talking to Dad. He said he's in Oakdale. Noah, if Dad's here can we see him please."

Noah looked at the clock sitting by the bed and frowned. He looked back at his boyfriend, blinking a few times to wake up and held his hand out for the phone. Luke handed it over with some reluctance and looked down as if he were preparing himself to be reprimanded.

"HI Holden," Noah said rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"Hey Noah. Did I hear correctly? Are you boys in Oakdale." Noah could hear the excitement in Holden's voice and it warmed his heart. He knew it would make Luke smile too, and he faced his boyfriend lifting his chin as he answered Holden.

"Yes sir we are in Oakdale, and I know someone would be very excited to see you." He smiled warmly at Luke who threw his arms around him almost causing him to drop the phone. "Do you think maybe we could meet in Old town or something…when it gets light?"

"Not Old Town," Holden said giving up on going back to sleep. "I'm sure you and Luke have been laying low…we need to meet somewhere where no one spots Luke at all."

"Well I could bring you to where we are," Noah said the wheels turning in his head as he tried to figure out a way to make this work. "I certainly wouldn't mind having you around again and Luke…well let's just say that I am having a hard time breathing because your son is squeezing really tight."

Holden's laughter was a nice sound and Luke loosened his grip on Noah and smiled; he had missed that sound. "We'll figure something out, Noah. But for now would it be okay to just talk to Luke on the phone until we figure out how to meet. Maybe early morning is the best time…since it's a less likely chance that someone will overhear"

"I think he would like that. I'm sorry he called you so early…I didn't even realize he was awake."

"Don't worry about that. I'm glad he called. It means he's starting to think for himself. That is a good thing, right?"

"Yeah. I'm pretty proud of him," Noah said smiling at Luke who ducked his head shyly. Noah bit his lip suddenly glad that Holden was on the phone, thus preventing him from tackling Luke on the bed.

"Me too. Will you tell him for me? Since I'm up I am going to make coffee and get to the chores early."

"I'll let him know. Thanks Holden."

"Thank you. Very clever coming here…hiding in plain sight I take it?"

"That was the idea, yes. We'll talk again soon."

"Sure thing. Tell my son we'll finish our conversation later. And get some sleep, no need for the two of you to be up this early."

"Yes sir. Good night."

He lowered the phone from his ear and looked at his boyfriend, who was sitting with his legs crossed on the bed, his hands folded in front of him as he waited for Noah to finish. Noah could see those brown eyes with the green flecks peeking through the partially closed eyes and he smiled. It never ceased to amaze him just how beautiful his boyfriend was. "I love you," He said reaching out his free hand to stroke Luke's cheek. And I'm very proud of you right now."

"Just right now?" Luke asked cautiously.

Noah placed the phone on the night table and inched closer to Luke until he could put his arms around him. "I'm always proud," he said as he lowered them both to the bed lifting the blankets to make sure they covered them both. He pulled Luke close until the dark head rested against his chest and he begin running his fingers through the thick hair. "Did you enjoy talking to your dad?"

"Yes," he said sleepily, his eyelids growing heavy with every stroke of Noah's hand.

"That was a brave thing you did calling him like that…but do you want to do me a favor next time."

"Okay."

"Can you make your phone calls during the day?"

Luke's body shook with laughter which made Noah smile and plant a kiss on top of his head. "I love you Noah," he said when his laughter died down.

"I love you too, Luke. Now get some sleep."

"Okay," Luke said yawning as he snuggled closer to Noah. It didn't take him long to fall asleep, and Noah smiled as he felt the rise and fall of Luke's chest. He tightened his hold on Luke and rested his chin in Luke's hair before drifting off himself.

Holden hung up the phone and threw on some clothes before heading downstairs to make coffee. He loved being back on the farm with his Mama .He was most at home when he was surrounded by the land and the horses. As much as he missed being with Luke and Noah, he had to admit that he loved being back in the country, around the fresh air and with his family. Two things would complete his happiness, and at the moment he wasn't quite sure if he could have one of them.

He had received a phone call from Lily, letting him know that she and Damian were heading south to  
Florida and then make their way across the United States. He wished his wife would listen to him, but he knew better. Damian had too much of an influence on her at the moment. He could understand that she was worried about her son, but she was still having the same problem she had before she fell down the stairs. She wasn't listening to Luke, nor was she trying to find out what exactly it was her son wanted. Holden had no doubt that if Lily would just talk to Luke once she would understand that Luke was very capable of making his own choices and decisions. Luke was as sane as any of them…what was it going to take to get her to see that?

He didn't even want to think about Damian. Just the name made him grimace as he poured himself a cup of coffee. Damian was almost too willing to put Luke through a surgery that could harm him. Holden just couldn't wrap his head around that. Did he truly believe the surgery was the only answer, or was there an ulterior motive? He frowned as he thought about all the information Noah had found out. It was obvious that the letters had been intercepted at a P.O Box; that alone had Damian written all over it. Then there was the fact that Damian convinced Luke that it was Holden's idea for him to go to Echo Lake. Add to that the fact that Damian was the one who said Luke chose to go to rehab…and you had a pretty twisted tangle of lies

He pushed all thoughts of Damian aside as he started in on the morning chores. He fed and watered the animals, milked the cows and collected the eggs from the chickens before heading to the barn. He felt at home as soon as he set foot in the barn. The horses greeted him immediately, all of them vying for his attention, but he knew which horse he needed to see first. The horses protested but he just smiled as he stopped in front of the stall furthest to the left and clicked his teeth.

"Hey there girl," he said when a snow white mare came to stand before him. She nuzzled at his face gently and he pet her nose and ran a hand along her shiny coat. "How are you doing today hmmm?" She moved back a step as if she needed to look over Holden's shoulder. He waited patiently as she did it, knowing the routine. She would turn her head to one side and then to the other as if she expected a certain person to suddenly materialize; but he never did. This was Luke's horse, and she loved him just as much as the rest of the family did. And Holden had no doubt that she missed him too.

"You'll see him soon, Girl," Holden said trying to soothe her with gentle touches. He filled her bin with feed and used the brush to take out any mats in her coat. She was a good girl; Luke had been taking care of her since he was old enough to know how. There had been a time when she and Luke did everything together. She was Luke's best girl, before he became interested in basketball and school. His love for reading and books didn't diminish his love for Moonbeam though. Holden smiled as he recalled how Luke had come up with the name. His childlike explanation had made much sense, and even though Holden pointed out how hippie the name sounded Luke loved it so Moonbeam was born.

He patted her coat and gave her a carrot, promising to check on her before he said good bye. She nuzzled his face again before allowing him to go around tending to all the other horses. By the time he was done spending one on one time with each of the horses, feeding them, watering them and mucking out the stalls, the sun had come up and the rooster made his daily call. After checking on Moonbeam once more Holden returned to the house for a shower. By time he was showered and dressed the rest of his family was up and moving around the kitchen. Breakfast was cooking, Faith was fusing with Natalie about something and little Ethan was making his presence known as always.

Holden swooped in and lifted his son into his arms, immediately putting an end to the torrent of tears. Ethan reminded him a lot of Luke when he was a baby Ethan immediately put his chubby arms around His dad's neck and held on tight as Holden.

"Dada, gramgram food," he said as he buried his face in his father's shoulder.

"She'll feed you as soon as it's ready, okay buddy?"

"Otay."

"Daddy, Natalie won't sit still so I can fix her hair," Faith complained as she tried to work her sister's hair into a French braid.

"Daddy she's hurting me," Natalie insisted as she continued to wriggle.

"You girls knock it off right now," Emma ordered turning with the spatula in her hand. She finished making breakfast and served it up with Juice and Milk. Holden shook his head and sat his son back in his high chair and settled down at the table. This was a typical morning at the Snyder farm. Now the only thing missing was Luke. He was hoping that would change in a few months.

_February 20, 2008_

_Noah's out again, but this time he's bringing someone to see me. He wouldn't tell me who, which is usual…but he said I would like the surprise. I have been trying to keep busy while he's gone. I talked to my Grandma Lucinda today, and she let me know she was doing alright. I told her about Valentine's Day and me cooking. I didn't mention the intimate stuff. Telling my dad is one thing, but mentioning it to Grandmother is a totally different story. _

_She seemed genuinely glad that I was doing so well. I think it surprised her that I could cook, but I truly do love to do it. I think I'm going to make dinner for Noah again. There is something really nice about creating culinary delights._

_I have been working on my fears every day as promised, even when I don't get to write them down. Right now my central focus is trying to get over my issues with trust. It is very hard for me to trust people, especially those I know because it was family that betrayed me. I think that's part of the reason why I was able to cling to Noah so easily. I didn't know him, and from day one he was nice and seemed concerned about me even though he didn't need to. It was like Noah was my angel in the dark. Does that sound corny? IT's true though. He was that bright spot in an otherwise confusing world where all the people I thought I knew looked like strangers. My dad, my mom…Damian, even Maddie was foreign and I didn't belong there. I trusted each and every one of them and in my mind's eye they betrayed that trust explicitly._

_Noah is a big reason why I have started getting over that. Trusting Noah has not hurt me in any way shape or form. Taking my cues from that I have successfully reconnected with my dad, and I know he would never hurt me either. I also know he didn't actually betray me. It would seem that my dad was a victim in this whole web too._

_That means that my biological father has been lying to me this whole time. I don't know if I am ready to fully accept that as the truth, but there's no denying it though. If Noah's right about Damian lying to get me to go to Malta then there's no telling what he's capable of doing. Well…okay so it wouldn't be the first time that Damian has done something underhanded in order to get his hands on me. But this…knowing what I know about Echo Lake, it scares me and it makes me sad that Damian would want to put me in there so they could turn me into someone I'm not. If that doesn't do permanent damage to your self esteem then I don't know what could. _

_I used to think I was so lucky because I had something a lot of kids don't…I had two dads. Two men who loved me and accepted me for who I was. How stupid was I to truly believe that? I know better now. I know that I don't want anything to do with Damian, and when this is all over I hope I never have to see him again. The only dad I want is Holden Snyder, My dad…the one who raised me and the one who has done nothing but love me from the moment I returned back here. And it's nice to know that he doesn't want me to be something I'm not. He just wants me to be me. He also wouldn't lie about something as important as his life to get me to do what he wants. _

"Luke," Noah called breaking his concentration. He looked up just in time to see his boyfriend step inside the house, but it wasn't Noah's face that made him smile. It was the person standing beside Noah bundled up in a warm coat with her curly hair peeking out of its cap.

"Grandma!" he exclaimed as he bolted off the couch and into his grandmother's arms. Noah stood back and smiled as they embraced. He could just make out the look of shock on Emma's face as she hugged her grandson close, and it amused him that they were standing in the doorway letting in the cold air without a care in the world.

He could still remember the shock on Emma's face when he walked up the pathway that led to the farm. He had to shush her immediately before she could exclaim and let anyone know he was there. He explained that he was back in town and she immediately hugged him close and asked him all kinds of questions. She wanted to feed him, but he told her that wasn't necessary; though he was in the mood for some of her home cooking really soon. She asked him where he was staying and he asked her to come with him to see the place. She had impeccable taste and surely would be able to tell him if he was living in a rat trap or not. Emma had gone inside to grab her purse and soon they were off. He kept her talking until they reached their destination and this was the result of his efforts.

"OH my precious Luke," she said hugging him close before pulling away to get a good look at him. "My what did you do to your hair? And your eyes. They are not the brown I remember, but still gorgeous."

"Let's get out of the cold," Luke said pulling her away from the door. He helped her to take off her coat and her scarf and led her to the couch where they settled down.

"Have you been here with Noah this whole time?" Emma asked looking at her grandson. She couldn't' quite get over how grown up and handsome he looked. So different from the skittish boy who had returned to them six months ago, and definitely a lot wiser then the boy who left them a year before that.

"Yes, Grandma. Don't be mad at Noah, Okay? He's been very good to me and he's helped me out a lot. I don't need the operation they want me to have, Grandma. I'm fine, see."

And she could see that very clearly. There was a glow to her grandson's cheeks that she hadn't seen in quite some time. He looked healthy and there was a confidence there that had been sorely lacking the last time she saw him. She pinched his cheek and pulled him into another hug holding on tightly. "You are the same sweet young man you were before. I'm just so glad you are alright. Holden came home and he said you were safe but he wouldn't give any details. Does he know you are here?"

"He knows we're in Oakdale," Noah spoke up as he joined them on the couch. "Luke called him a few nights ago. Before that he had no idea where we were, just that we were together."

"So that's why he was fine leaving Luke alone?" Emma mused. "But I don't' think I understand. Didn't you write a note to Damian saying you were leaving town for good? You told them not to contact you at all."

"If I didn't tell them I was leaving town they would have guessed that Luke was with me," Noah explained. I am the one who was opposed to Luke not having the surgery."

"So you would be the one they suspected unless you took yourself out of the picture. Very clever, Noah. I knew I loved you for a reason."

"Thanks Ma'am, Noah said not sure how to take the compliment. Luke's family meant a lot to him, and it always surprised him that they thought so highly of him even after such a short amount of time.

"You aren't mad then?" Luke asked cautiously.

"No, honey, not at all. I'm very proud and very happy that you are okay. And you are back safely." She hugged him again and Noah noticed that this time that Luke tensed up just a little bit.

"Are you hungry ma'am," he asked trying to distract her from touching Luke.

"Not right now, dear but you two look like you've been eating bread and water. I'll have to whip up something for you boys to eat. Just tell me where the kitchen is and tell me what you want."

"You don't really need to do that," Noah protested even as Emma stood and went to the kitchen.

"It's no trouble at all; I want to do this for my two favorite boys." They watched as she headed into the kitchen and soon she was rummaging around in the kitchen determined to make them dinner. Noah turned his attention to Luke and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Are you okay," he whispered when Luke looked up at him. He nodded before looking towards the kitchen a frown set on his face. "Luke, look at me," Noah ordered gently. He waited until Luke's dark gaze was focused on him again before continuing. "It's okay if you don't want her to touch you." Luke blinked and his frown deepened but Noah stopped him from lowering his head. "IT's okay," He repeated if you don't want to be touched. You aren't obligated to hug anyone, okay?"

"Even if it's grandma?"

"Even if it's your grandma," Noah replied softly. "The important thing here is for you to be comfortable, Luke. I think if we explain it to her she will understand. These meetings aren't going to help if you aren't comfortable."

"Okay," Luke said moving to put his arms around Noah briefly. Noah held on to him for a long moment before pulling away. "Should I just tell her?" he asked curiously.

"You should," Noah said nodding as he pulled Luke up off the couch. "Come on let's see what's she's cooking in the kitchen."

When they entered the kitchen Emma was moving around as if she had been there a thousand times. She had all the ingredients needed for a great lasagna on the counter and she was humming as she waited for the noodles to boil. "Wow Grandma, you don't have to go through all this trouble."

"It's no trouble at all. I insist. It does my heart good to see you, Luke. I'm so glad you're okay."

Luke smiled as he leaned on the counter to watch her. Noah stood back to watch, ready to come to Luke's rescue if he needed. He didn't think it would be necessary this time, but he would be there just in case.

Emma worked diligently on the lasagna all the while stealing glimpses at her grandson. She could almost sense that there was something on his mind. He looked like he was deep in thought as he watched her with his chin resting in the palm of his hand, his elbow sitting squarely on the counter. She smiled encouragingly letting him know that he could talk to her about anything. "IT's okay dear," she said reaching out to touch his arm. She pulled her hand back and frowned when he moved away from her, her eyes darting to Noah who crossed his arms and shook his head unwilling to speak unless he needed to. "Sweetheart did I do something to upset you?" she asked reaching out again but thinking better of it when Luke shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Grandma," he said looking over at Noah who nodded encouragingly. "I'm just…I'm a little wary around people and I don't like to be touched much. And I'm afraid of people."

"OH Luke," Emma said pressing her hand against her heart. What she was hearing sounded horrible, and it made her sad to think that her grandson who used to love hugs couldn't stand to be touched by anyone. "What happened, sweetheart? You know you can trust me, right?"

"I'm trying, Grandma," Luke said standing up straight, his hands tracing the counter as he focused on the story he was telling. "It's just that I've been betrayed by the people who are supposed to love me…and while I know that you would never betray me it's just hard to get over the fear…but I'm trying. And that's why Noah brought you today. HE knows I have missed you, and I was talking to him about you when I made dinner for him and I thought I was ready for this. I'm sorry, don't' be mad at me okay."

What Emma wanted to do was to pull her grandson into her arms and never let go, but she didn't do that. Instead she continued to make up the lasagna and put it into the oven and then gestured for Luke to follow her to the table where they sat down. "Is it okay if I pat your hand dear?" Noah who was still watching from the corner smiled appreciatively and mouthed a thank you to Emma who chose that moment to look up. Luke nodded and watched his grandmother's hand reach out to touch him. Her touch was so soft and sure; he relaxed a little and waited to hear what more she had to say. "I could never be mad at you, Luke. You are one of my favorite grandsons, and that is not going to change. I want you to talk to me, alright? Like you used to when you helped me in the kitchen. Help me to understand what is going on."

Much to Noah's surprise Luke did just that. He talked to Emma about the dark times at Echo Lake, though Noah noticed he left out some disturbing details; but that was just as well. Emma didn't need to hear everything, she just needed to understand. Luke spoke for a long time, and Emma just listened. Noah was grateful to her; this was what Luke needed. He needed to be able to talk to one of his family members without having them judge him.

Luke was still talking when Emma got up to check on the lasagna. Noah waved her away and told her he would watch the food, talking to Luke was a little more important than eating. It seemed like an eternity passed before Luke stopped and lowered his head. Noah knew he was holding his breath waiting to see what reaction if any he got out of his grandmother.

Emma reached out to touch his hand once more, lightly brushing it before she pulled her fingers away. "You are a very brave man, Luke Snyder. You hear me? You are a good man, and you are my grandson. I love you, and I want you to be happy. Is happy hear with Noah?"

"Yes ma'am," he said his face lighting up at the mention of his boyfriend's name. "Noah is very good to me. I love him so much."

"And he loves you, I can tell it," Emma said smiling as she looked over at Noah who was peeking into the oven. "Did you say you were cooking dear?"

"I made your meat loaf recipe on Valentine's day," Luke explained. "And Noah loved it. I think we still have a piece of Red Velvet cake too, if you would like to try it."

"You made that as well?" Emma said impressed.

"Yes, from scratch," Luke said proudly.

"It was delicious," Noah said pulling the lasagna pan out of the oven. "There should be some left, Luke and I would get fat if we tried to finish it all up ourselves."

"Oh you," Emma shook her head and chuckled. "You two look like you could use some meat on those bones. Maybe I should whip up some cookies and some brownies while I'm here. And I can make that apple pie you like so much, Luke. And you," she looked at Noah, "You still have a thing for sweet potatoes? I remembered at thanksgiving. It's too bad you weren't there to enjoy them with us."

"Thanks Ma'am," Noah said turning to hide the blush that stained his cheeks. He reached into the cabinet for some plates while Emma rattled off the list of things she would make for them to have at the house.

By the time Emma left, they had eaten two piece of lasagna each and the cabin smelled like a bakery. Emma had raved about the cake and insisted that Luke would have to make it again at some point. The praise made Luke blush and his shyness crept to the surface. Now they were at the table sharing one of the brownies Emma had insisted upon making and Luke had a thoughtful expression on his face.

"Something on your mind?" Noah asked catching his attention. He picked at a piece of brownie and popped it in Noah's mouth, allowing his finger to rest on those warm lips momentarily before he pulled his hand away.

"I'm just thinking," he said as he readied to feed Noah another piece of brownie.

"About what?" Noah asked taking Luke's hand causing him to drop the brownie back on to the plate. "What's on your mind?"

"I was just thinking about the meeting with Grandma," he admitted. It was I don't know…"

"A little awkward?" Noah guessed.

"Yeah…that's the right word. I'm sorry your surprise didn't work out so well."

"IT worked out fine, Luke," Noah assured him. "I think with each person it's going to be different. Lucinda was easy because you two have this bond that no one can even begin to fathom."

"Kinda like you and I have?" Luke asked.

"Yeah, something like that. You two connect on a level that is completely your own so you trust her more implicitly. And that's not to say that you don't trust Emma, it's just different. And I think she understood that."

:"So it also has a lot to do with their different personalities?" Luke asked.

"Yes that too. You were more comfortable around Lucinda because you knew what to expect. You know she's not that much of a hugger, and she touched you minimally. On the other hand Emma is warmer and more tactile."

"I used to like hugs," Luke said sadly. "I don't want to be afraid of being touched, Noah. I want to be able to share hugs and let someone touch me…I want to be able to enjoy it.

"You do enjoy it," Noah reminded him as he stroked Luke's hand with his thumb.

"That's different."

"How?" Noah asked raising an eyebrow.

"I love you, and I trust you. You wouldn't do anything I don't want you to do."

"I love you too, Luke. And so does your grandma…both of them actually. I think it will take some time for you to believe that no one here is going to harm you, but trusting me and your dad is a very good start. I think this can be one of your long term goals."

"Okay," Luke said a smile crossing his lips for the first time since Emma left. "Do you think we could hold off on any more visits?"

"If that is what you want."

Luke nodded as he brought his free hand to rest on top of their joined ones. "And can you just remind me how nice it is to be held, please?"

Noah smiled as he stood and pulled Luke up out of the chair. He led him into the living room where they settled down on the couch. Noah kissed Luke softly on the lips before pulling him into a comforting embrace. Luke settled his head down on Noah's chest and Noah rested his chin in the soft brown hair, even as he started running his fingers through it. IT had been a successful night, despite a few bumps, and Noah was just glad that Luke had seen how difficult things could be.

Getting Luke to trust his family again was going to be tricky, and Noah only hoped that the plan didn't backfire. He pushed all negative thoughts out of his head for the moment and focused on what was important; his boyfriend resting comfortably in his embrace. Right now the fact that he still wanted Noah to hold him and to touch him meant that he was at least doing something right.


	32. Chapter 32

_March 22, 2008_

_I think Noah and I just had our first fight. It was weird, but it didn't seem wrong or anything, just weird. I'm sitting outside today, letting the breeze hit my face. IT feels nice and warm, the first real warm day of the year…spring has come and usually it's my favorite time of year. I like it because everything starts to come to life and it's the sign of new beginnings. I always think of the movie Bambi and how in the spring he's grown a lot, and his friends Thumper and Flower have little babies and wives. The grass is green and the trees are starting to grow new leaves…everything is new, fresh; that is as it should be._

_I feel like I'm getting a fresh start too, and I wonder if arguing with Noah is a part of that. I don't think it means anything bad. I mean, he's upset with me about something…though I haven't a clue what I could have done this time. I smile as I say that because the words have different connotations then they did last year. I'm not afraid that Noah will never forgive me, and I don't necessarily think I did something horrible or anything like that. But I am aware that I do cause some things and Noah gets irritated with me. _

_I don't even think he's really upset with me this time. I think he's cranky because he doesn't feel well, and I won't leave him alone. I can't help it…I don't know what I would do if something really happened to him. He's everything to me, and maybe that is part of the problem? I mean I know we've both said we want to be with each other, and I still believe that is the case, but I think I need to push myself to get better. I need to be an equal to Noah so he doesn't think that he has to take care of me all the time. He's so stubborn, he wants to be strong but I think he should be taking it easy._

_He hasn't been feeling well all day. His throat is scratchy, but he insists that it's nothing. His head felt warm this morning, but he chalked it up to the change in the weather which makes sense somewhat. I saw him falter but he insisted that his equilibrium was just a little off balance, nothing to worry about.  
And when I dared to wonder if he should go to the doctors he told me to leave him alone. So that is what I'm doing; I am letting Noah be until he is ready to talk to me again. It makes me sad that we had a fight over something so silly…not that his health is silly, but just me fussing over him. I guess he didn't like it. Or maybe he just isn't used to it; I mean I could understand that easily. Noah pretty much had to take care of himself growing up. It must be hard to let someone else take care of him. So if that's the case, I think we need to have a stern talking to because I want to take care of him. He takes such good care of me, it's only fair right?_

_Somehow I am going to get him to realize that, but for right now I will leave him be. I kinda like sitting out here in the fresh air. It reminds me so much of life on the farm with my dad. I miss him, even though we get to talk every so often now. It's been a month since my Grandma Emma came to visit, but I talk to her sometimes on the phone too. They call me; it's easier that way. I'm not ready for anyone else to know I am here. I'm sure they know I'm safe, but it's better if they don't know how close I am. _

_Anyway, Dad and I talk every so often, but we haven't gotten back to the one conversation I want to have with him. I think he's waiting for me to figure it out on my own. Love is a very tricky emotion, and I don't think it has just one meaning. I mean loving the grass and the flowers isn't the same as loving your boyfriend or girlfriend, but the idea is the same as loving your friends and family right? It's like to love someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you dig deeper into the heart of the matter. And love means knowing when to say you're sorry, and knowing when to back down. It also means knowing when to fight and not give up. I always wondered how my parents could go through so much and hurt each other so much when they tell me they love each other all the time._

_I wonder if love has limits. Can you love someone too much, or too little? Are there supposed to be conditions in place, or is love supposed to be unconditional like you read about in books or watch in movies. For me it seems like love always has conditions. For example my parents can't seem to stick together. Mom makes a lot of mistakes, Dad gets fed up and they end up divorcing or just separating. I think I lost count of how many times they've done that. It's to the point where I wonder if they should even be together, and that is not nice of me to say, I know. But it's how I feel sometimes._

_I think my dad loves me unconditionally. I have come to realize that anyway over the past eight months, and looking back it has always been the case. We've had our ups and down for sure, I'm not the perfect kid by any stretch of the imagination. My dad's not perfect either, but he's dad and he'll always be my hero. And I love him because he accepts me for who I am. Sometimes he even knows the answers before I do, and he encourages me to talk to him. I think I'm really lucky in that aspect to have a dad who wants to be there for me. That's what I call unconditional love; love that has no boundaries or limits and transcends time, and space and any other spectrum. It just is._

_I'm not so sure I can say the same thing about my mom though. I used to think I could, until two years ago. It's almost been two years since I came out to my parents, and her reaction still breaks my heart. And it's sad because she may have been in a coma when I left, but I sometimes feel like she's just as big a part of me going away as Damian. I love my mom, and I would do anything for her…but first I think I need her assurance that she loves me._

_As for Damian…I think his love definitely has conditions. It's funny really; the man comes in and out of my life when he sees fit to do so. He wasn't there when I needed a new kidney. He wasn't there rebelling because of my parents. He certainly wasn't there through any of my childhood illnesses or the scraped knees and the bullies. Despite that I gave him a chance and each time he took advantage of me. I guess I am the only one who can stop him from doing that right? I have to prove to him that I am okay, and that I don't need him…especially not if he's going to lie to me over and over, and if being his son is under the condition that I like girls._

_I think I have come to a conclusion though; it's time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I was hurt a lot last year and I'm trying to get past it. Sometimes though I fall into the victim trap…and it's time for me to stop that. It is far too easy for me to sit around and go "poor me, take care of me, I'm broken." That behavior is so not me and I need to stop. It's the only way that Noah is going to see me as more than a fragile piece of glass._

Luke stopped and ran his hand through his dark hair and tapped his pen against the edge of the book. It was crazy and he knew it, but what he was saying was the truth. Noah didn't necessarily think he was fragile and that was evident by how things had been over the past month, not to mention the fact that they had argued today. All of this, what Luke was writing down was how he felt, and it was something he needed to sort out. Noah just happened to be a huge part of that.

_So I'm exaggerating just a little bit. Noah doesn't treat me like a fragile piece of glass…not intentionally. I think he's so used to taking care of me, and a part of him will never forget what I was like when I first came home. I need him to see me for who I am now. I know he loves me, and I know he's not going to stop loving me…Now he just needs to see me. He knows it's coming, I know it's coming too. That moment when I am completely okay with who I am and what I want and I think it scares him as much as it scares me. As crazy as it sounds I think we both have to face it. The question is how? _

A sudden crash from inside stopped Luke's flow of words and he placed the journal down as he jumped to run into the house. "Oh my god, Noah," he said as he spotted his boyfriend lying on the floor face down. He knelt down beside him and touched his shoulder. To his relief Noah looked up, albeit weakly and tried to smile.

"I think I was going to fast…either that or the room was spinning."

"You're still dizzy?" Luke asked, reaching out his hand to touch Noah's forehead.

"Just a little bit," Noah managed to say before his head went down again. "I don't think I feel good."

"You're burning up," Luke informed him even as he stood and tried to lift his boyfriend to his feet. "Come on, Noah you have to help me out here," he coaxed.

Noah mustered up his strength from somewhere and stood trying not to lean all of his weight on Luke as he was practically dragged to the bedroom. Luke managed to get him into bed and tucked him in before sitting by his side, his fingers running through Noah's hair as he looked down at him.

"Is there anything I can get you? Any soup or a cold compress for you r head?"

"No thank you," Noah said his eyes growing heavy thanks to Luke's fingers. "I'll be okay."

"I'll be right back; I'm going to get my journal." Luke got up and quickly retrieved his journal from the porch. When he returned Noah was already fast asleep. He settled down on the bed with his legs tucked beneath him and felt Noah's temperature one more time before focusing on his journal again.

_March 22, 2008 continued_

_Looks like its Noah's turn to be sick. He looks terrible, my poor baby…his face is pale and he's all dizzy. I think he may have vertigo, which means I need to make sure he takes some medicine when he wakes up. Right now he's resting, and I didn't have the heart to talk to him about my part in our relationship. Don't they say you don't kick a man when he's down? Or something crazy like that, I don't want to bother Noah with this when he's feeling so lousy. I will make him listen to me though; otherwise he is just going to make himself sicker._

_I'm thinking that he really needs to eat something when he wakes up. We haven't eaten much today. Noah said his throat was too sore for him to eat anything and I just nibbled on things here and there just to say I ate. I know it isn't the most nutritious thing in the world to do, but I don't eat well when I'm nervous or worried. I have been concerned about Noah since we got up this morning, and I only left him for a moment after he snapped at me. _

_Okay so a moment turned into an hour at best, but I was right outside. I wish he would have called me instead of trying to move by himself. But alas my boyfriend is stubborn. Sometimes I wonder if he's a Taurus…but he's not, and he may not realize that I am just as stubborn as he is. If he didn't already know then he will certainly find out._

_I don't want it to seem like I'm mad at Noah, because I'm not. It's more like frustration, and I bet despite what he says he has had his moments of frustration with me. I know I can be a handful to deal with but he loves me, and I love him too. I can't imagine not having Noah in my life, so I am going to take very good care of him, and if need be I will put my foot down…I bet that will surprise him just a little._

Luke smiled and closed his journal with a sigh as he looked over at Noah again. He was still sleeping, but his breathing was a little raspy and his cheeks were flush with fever. Luke slid off the bed and went to the kitchen to find something to fix for Noah to eat. He figured soup would be the best bet since Noah would be lucky if he were actually able to keep it down.

It didn't take long for him to whip up his Grandma Emma's special chicken noodle soup, guaranteed to warm the soul and cure all that ailed you. Once the soup was done he settled down at the kitchen table with a bowl and thought about how he was going to help Noah. If his bout with the flu was any indication, it was possible that Noah would be sick for a while. That meant he was going to need medicine and lots of fluids. As he thought about it he wondered how Noah had managed to take care of him for over two weeks. He was well aware of the fact that he had never been a great patient and Noah was proving to be just like him. A fact that he found just a little ironic, but it was nice too. He knew how to handle him…though maybe deal with him was a better word. Handle made it sound like intend to hurt him or something and that was the last thing Luke intended to do.

He checked on Noah once more before deciding to tidy up around the cabin. That wasn't too hard of a task since they were both pretty neat, and didn't really do much. He was in the kitchen cleaning off the counters when he heard Noah calling his name. He dropped the dish towel and ran until he was by Noah's side. His boyfriend was trying to sit up in bed, but he looked weaker than he had when he went to sleep.

"Noah you shouldn't be trying to move," Luke said touching his shoulder and forcing him to stay put. "Do you need something? I made you some soup." As he spoke he checked Noah's forehead again and his frown deepened. "You're burning up. I'm going to go check and see if we have medicine for you. I will be right back."

He moved as quickly as he could to check for the medicine Noah had used to help him when he was sick. He saw all his kidney meds and the pain killers but no antibiotics or cough syrups. He frowned as he sifted through the bottles and sighed. "I must have used it all," he murmured as he returned to the bedroom, running a hand through his hair. "Noah, there's no more medicine," he said as he sat by Noah's side again.

"Don't worry about it," Noah said his voice barely audible. "I'll be okay…you don't have…to worry."

"You would say that," Luke retorted as he propped Noah up on some pillows. "I'm going to get you something to eat, and then you are going to rest."

"It's not as bad as it seems, Luke. I'm fine." Noah said as he once again tried to get up out of bed. Luke stood back with his arms crossed and watched his attempt and caught him before he fell and hurt himself further.

"You are not fine, and you are going to stop being stubborn and stay in bed." His fingers moved to Noah's hair pushing it off his face gently, completely contrasting the words that were coming out of his mouth.

"I can take care of myself you know."

"I know," Luke smiled sadly. "But guess what, you don't have to this time." He allowed his lips to touch Noah's forehead briefly before going to fix him a cup of soup. Noah was leaning against the pillows when Luke returned, and he helped his boyfriend to sit up before placing the hot soup between his hands.

"Thanks, Luke," Noah whispered, smiling weakly at his boyfriend. "I'm sorry."

"No talking," Luke soothed. "We have much to discuss when you get better but now you need to eat that, and then you need to sleep."

He was relieved when Noah just nodded and blew on the soup before taking a sip. He managed to drink most of it before handing the cup to Luke stating that he had had enough. Luke placed the cup on the table and helped Noah lie down, tucking him in tightly. He kissed his forehead and waited to until he heard his breathing before slipping out of the room.

There he let out a sigh and went to fish the keys out of Noah's coat pocket. He was determined that he was going to do this. He was going to go out, drive to town and get the medicine Noah needed. He was doing it for Noah.

That was what he kept telling himself as he pulled on his coat and headed out the door, making sure to lock it before heading to the car. He hadn't necessarily been behind the wheel of a car since his DUI…had that really been almost two years ago now? He took a deep breath and slid behind the wheel and put the key in the ignition. The engine came to life and he could feel the power beneath him as he checked his mirrors and made sure he had a clear path to back out. He was glad at least that there was no snow on the ground. He could do this…it was like riding a bike. You didn't forget once you knew how.

Driving into town was the easy part. In the car no one could see him, not that they would recognize him anyway. He had the green contacts in, and his hair had been dyed just days ago, and he was wearing a hat…and no stripes. Someone would have to be really close, and hear him talk to even remotely know who he was. He could do this. He could handle the crowds of people…these weren't strangers. He tried to reason with himself. These were essentially people he had grown up with his entire life, and they were not going to harm him in any way. Oakdale was relatively quiet most of the time, and barring a few events he'd rather not remember nothing really happened here…right?

If he could do this then it would be a step in the right direction. If he could master this one task then he will have proven to himself and to Noah that he could handle people at least to an extent. Touching was a whole other ballgame but people in general…yeah this was going to be a piece of cake. He ran his fingers through his hair as he looked for a parking spot to back into. Now came the real test. He was in town, and he was about to be surrounded by people. He would blend right in with his disguise and all he had to do was be normal. There was nothing to it.

He took a deep breath and forced himself to release the steering wheel. It was time to leave the safety and the warmth of the car, and time to do what he had come here to do. He knew he was making a bigger deal out of this then necessary but he couldn't help it. His dad had always said he had a flair for the dramatic. Right now he just wished his heart would stop beating so fast. There was nothing to be afraid of, this was his home. He knew Oakdale like the back of his hand…he could do this.

He fixed his hat on his head and headed toward the middle of Old Town. Just as he figured everyone was out and about shopping or enjoying the first day of spring. He allowed his eyes to look around at everything, drinking in the sights as if he had never seen them in his life. In truth it had been awhile since he had been in Old Town, so it was somewhat like a long awaited homecoming.

Logically he knew he should have gone to a store out of town, but he was hoping that his disguise would help. Different hair and eyes plus the glasses he was wearing, and the hat should be enough to keep people from realizing who he was. And even if someone did realize it, it wasn't like they would run and tell Damian…he was the real enemy here. He was the only one Luke didn't want to alert to his whereabouts. He didn't think he was ready to face that threat just yet. HE was getting there…but not yet.

"Whoa there slow down," a familiar voice said startling him. He stopped as he realized he had almost run into someone, and he tried to hide his shock when he realized it was Maddie's brother Henry.

"I'm…I'm sorry," he said sheepishly. He was at the moment thanking his lucky stars that he hadn't actually talk to Maddie's brother often so there was the chance that he wouldn't recognize his voice, let alone his face.

"Where are you off to in such a hurry?" Henry asked curiously.

"The pharmacy, it's this way right?" he asked looking around as if he had no idea where he was going.

"It's right next to the diner," Henry pointed. Are you new to the town?" Luke nodded and looked bashful again. All he wanted to do was get away and get the medicine so he could make it back to Noah.

"I have to get some medicine, my friend is very sick and I had to leave him alone."

"That's too bad," Henry frowned. "I won't keep you then, but the next time you come to town stop by the diner and ask for Henry. I'll introduce you to my sister too; you look to be about her age."

"Uh, thanks. Luke said rushing past. He could hear Henry calling behind him but he paid him no mind as he ducked into the store. For a long moment he just stood there looking around at all the aisles and all the people shopping. There was so much noise, so many sounds and he took another deep breath and remembered why he was here. He was there for Noah, he needed to get the medicine for Noah, and that was it. He could get the meds and get back to the car, and then he could get back to Noah.

With every step he took he tried to relax. Everyone was in the store for the same reason; to shop. They were looking for items just like he was, and they were walking around with shopping carts and lists, trying to find the best item for their price. No one was paying attention to him as he made his way over to the medicine. He quickly scanned the brands until he found what he was looking for, and he made sure to pick up enough just in case. While he was at it he picked up a few items they were running low on in the house, and found a surprise for Noah to enjoy when he was better. He was quite pleased with himself by the time he reached the counter and waited for the cashier to tell him how much he owed.

He was about to hand the cashier the money when he felt a hand on top of his and he turned to see his grandmother standing beside him. "Just put everything on my tab, darling. Thank you" The cashier looked between Luke and Lucinda before doing as she was told. No one disobeyed Ms. Walsh. Luke played the part of awestruck well, seeing as he was quite flabbergasted that his grandmother was there. He waited until he had his purchases and they were outside well out of earshot before he spoke.

"You didn't have to do that, Grandmother. What if someone realized it was me."

"Call it a random act of kindness, Darling," Lucinda said waving her hand dismissively. "I must say though I am very proud of you for venturing out. Is everything alright at the cabin?"

"Noah's sick," Luke explained as he headed for the car. "I have to get this medicine back to him. Thanks for helping with the groceries…even though you shouldn't have."

"No one has to know, hmmm? It can be our little secret."

Luke frowned as he put the bags in the backseat. "I suppose it would be okay," he said thoughtfully, his gaze turning to his grandmother as he pushed his hair out of his eyes. "I have to get this stuff home now before Noah wakes up and starts worrying about me."

He waved goodbye and slipped behind the driver seat breathing a sigh of relief as he started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot.

Much to his surprise and his relief Noah was still sleeping when he returned home. He put the groceries away quickly and took the medicine to the bedroom where it would be waiting for Noah when he woke up. He settled down beside him on the bed, placing his hand against his forehead to once again take his temperature. His fingers combed through the thick dark hair for a long moment as he looked down at him a fond smile crossing his lips. He bent to kiss Noah gently and picked his journal up off the table to continue his entry while Noah slept.

_March 22, 2008_

_Well, I did it. I went out all by myself to get medicine for Noah. It actually wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. Okay…It was very scary, but I had a purpose…I was doing it for Noah, and knowing that helped a lot. I made it to Old Town without any problem, which is good since I haven't actually driven since before I went away. I can hardly believe that was almost two years ago now. This past year, everything that has happened since I came home has been such a blur, yet so much has happened it's almost hard to wrap my mind around it all._

_I met Noah last year, on a warm July day when I walked into the home that no longer felt like mine. He was there and comfortable, while I felt anything but. It's just so surreal now to think about it. I remember wondering who he was, and he just seemed to want to do everything for me from the beginning. He took my bags upstairs, he wanted to fix me something to eat, and he even kept the family at bay, and brought me coffee cake and tea. _

_Life sure got complicated after that, and I don't think things have settled down yet. Still it's been a very eventful eight months since then and I'm kinda glad that we aren't running anymore. I think we've come full circle, and it was a good idea for Noah to bring us back to the start of everything. Oakdale is home and I thought about it fondly today as I walked around town. _

_I think dyeing my hair and making me wear contacts was a good idea too. Henry didn't recognize me and my grandmother wouldn't have either, except that she's seen me before. I think if I changed anything about how today had turned out it was seeing Grandmother. And that's not because I don't love her; it's just that seeing her added another layer to my nerves. I was afraid someone would see us together, and therefore figure out that it was me and who knows what could happen from there. I think Noah would call that paranoia, but I can't help it. There are a lot of factors working against me liking the outdoors and I think my fear of having to get brain surgery is a lot deeper than even I realized until today._

_It's like reality is finally beginning to sink in, and this isn't just fun and games. That's not really the right description; I mean this has never been a game to me. But it's not fantasy either…it's very real. All these bizarre things really did happen. My life was like a science fiction film for a year and Damian is trying hard to put me right back into it. Well at least he'll try. He actually has no say over what I do…he never has, and I really don't want to talk about him, so I will stop._

_I'm going to fix Noah some soup to go with his medicine, and then I'm going to cuddle with him. I hope that will make him feel better some. My grandma said love and chicken noodle soup are the best possible cures. I'm going to go test those theories now._

_March 30, 2008_

_Noah has reached the vomiting stage and I wish there was more that I could do for him. I make sure he eats and drinks lots of fluids. He has been taking the medicine, but for the most part he sleeps most of the day and his fever keeps going up and down. Now he spends a lot of time with the toilet. I joke with him that he spends more time in the bathroom then with me, and he gives me the most miserable face ever. It's so sad. He apologizes and then he goes back to the bathroom. It is comical really, but I don't have the heart to laugh at Noah's misfortune. It's awful to be so sick._

_It's been eight days….I think his fever will break this week. At least I hope it will. I know I was sick the first two weeks of the year and Noah was really worried about me. I was so afraid then that I wasn't going to get better. That fear is back as I watch Noah go through the same thing. I just want him to be okay. I don't even care if he snaps at me for wanting to help. If he's good then he can yell at me all he wants to. Yes I can be that dramatic…but it's just that I don't' know what I would do if something really happened to Noah. I am not ready to find out._

_April 7, 2008_

_I think I just realized how deep Noah's feelings for me really are. And I am not quite sure how I feel about that. I mean I love that he apparently feels this way, but it's a little scary at the same time. I know I use that word a lot, and it's strange to use it in reference to Noah at all, but this is huge. I should probably back up and explain though, since it doesn't make sense otherwise._

_Noah's fever broke last night, but not before he had this feverish rant that I wouldn't have believed except that I was there when it happened and heard it with my own ears. I'm not even sure how to explain it but I'm going to give it a try._

_We were sleeping, with me cuddled up next to Noah as always. Cuddling with Noah was not new, but the reasons have changed since we admitted how we felt about each other. My fingers were tangled in his hair and at some point he had wrapped his arms around me and he was holding me pretty tight. Over the past two weeks I have trained myself to wake up quickly if Noah moves a millisecond. Every sneeze, every cough, and every shift wakes me up; I have come to expect things like that. But what I didn't expect was to feel Noah's hand lightly brushing my skin as his warm lips sought out mine for a kiss._

_He called out my name as he did it too, as sweet and as gentle as Noah can be, wanting me to know how much I meant to him, and wanting me to be aware of the lengths he would go to protect me. I have to admit it felt good to have his hand down there, and his lips were nice and soft as they touched mine. It was a mind blowing kiss that I don't think I will soon forget, but it didn't end there. _

_One minute Noah's kissing my breath away and the next he's squeezing me as if he has this need to create friction and he said he wanted to show me how good it would feel to be with him. Noah has always told me how he wanted to take my pain away, and last night he was more than ready to do it. I think if I told him exactly what he did he would be horrified, but the thing is I think he cured my fear. Does that make sense? He was touching me and caressing with his hands and his lips were everywhere, but he seemed to especially want to kiss me. Noah's fingers, Noah's lips and it suddenly didn't feel like such a bad thing. _

_I knew I had to put the brakes on it though. Especially when his fingers ventured where no one had ventured since I was at Echo Lake. I held my breath as he entered me and I was surprised and pleased when it didn't feel like it had back then. There was nothing harsh about it...it was just Noah talking to me as his fingers continued to move and it felt so good. His lips were kissing my shoulders and he said some really sweet things too. There was so much love in his actions, I think I am amazed that I didn't give in and allow him to take control of my body like he had my heart. I felt like I could have...but I didn't._

_I couldn't even if I had wanted to, because while there was love there, plenty of it, Noah was delirious with fever. I have to tell him about this because it helped me, but I don't think Noah will remember. HE isn't going to remember that he showed me just how much he wanted to make love to me. I have to tell him though. We have this pact that we won't hold anything back from each other...but it will be okay. I will tell him, and make sure he knows that in the end it helped. I think if he had been lucid and not feverish I would have given in. Even in his delirium he was so sincere and he loves me. I can honestly say I have never felt anything like that before. _

_Enough of that though...I'm sitting here blushing as I write. I'm glad his fever is broken. I am going to wake him up soon just to tell him he means so much to me, and then I'll feed him breakfast and we'll cuddle for the rest of the day. And after that, I really need to talk to him. I just hope he understands that I only say these things because I love him. _

Luke closed his journal and set it down on the table, his expression thoughtful as he watched his boyfriend sleep. He had found that watching Noah sleep was a favorite activity of his. It didn't get to happen often; normally Noah was the first one to open his eyes. There was something comforting about watching the rise and fall of Noah's chest.

When he first met Noah he ignored certain things, like the blue of his eyes and the shape of his face. He wondered about the thickness of his hair, and now he couldn't get enough of running his fingers through it. He couldn't have imagined how much he would enjoy that, and the fact that he felt this close to him never would have crossed his mind. He realized he was far more than ready to embrace the feelings that had eluded him for so long. Loving Noah was as natural as breathing, and for that reason alone he didn't think he'd ever stop.

"Luke?" He loved the way his name sounded from Noah's lips, it always made him smile. He shifted on the bed as his boyfriend sat up and pulled him into his arms. "Good morning," Noah whispered burying his face in thick dark hair.

"You're feeling better," Luke sighed contentedly in the embrace. He had missed being held. As much as he loved holding Noah, being wrapped in those strong arms was his favorite position.

"I feel a lot better today, yes," Noah said his voice soft and tick with sleep. "Still tired, but I don't feel nauseous anymore."

"Your fever broke last night," Luke explained lifting his head so he could look into Noah's eyes. "You are well on your way back to health, Mr., Mayer."

"How are you feeling?" Noah asked as he pushed the hair off of Luke's forehead.

"I'm fine," Luke assured him. "I'm just glad you're okay I was so worried about you. As soon as I realized you were sick I was going to give you the medicine you had bought but there was no more, so I had to go out to the store to get some for you. I got extra too just in case. I'm just glad it worked."

Luke was resting his head against Noah's shoulder so he didn't see the frown that crossed Noah's features as that news sank in. "Wait," he said pulling away so he could look at Luke. "You went to town by yourself?"

"Yean, I did," Luke said proudly. "It was very scary but I knew I needed to get the medicine for you so I just put my fears aside and did what I needed to do."

"You shouldn't have done that," Noah said with a sigh. Luke was taken aback by the response and he frowned. "You could have been seen. What if someone followed you back here?"

"Not exactly the response I was expecting," Luke said trying hard not to react to the words. He didn't think Noah was trying to hurt him, but the words stung.

"How do you expect me to react?" Noah said sounding exasperated. "You know we're hiding here for a reason. Are you trying to alert Damian and Lily to where we are?"

"Why are you being such a jerk," Luke asked pulling away from Noah completely. Noah was momentarily taken aback by the look he saw in his boyfriend's eyes. "Do you really think I'm that stupid, Noah? For your information I went out because I wanted to take care of YOU. I'm more than capable of doing that you know."

"Luke-"

"And to think I thought you'd be proud of me for putting your needs before my own and facing my fear of people and crowds to get medicine so you would feel better. Guess that does make me stupid." Luke scrambled out of the way before Noah could reach out for him. "No, you don't get to touch me this time, Noah. I'm not a baby you can coddle and console when you do something wrong. I'm your boyfriend and I care about you just as much as you care about me. I went out, Noah. I went outside and faced all those people by myself because I love you, dammit, and you're far more important to me than my agoraphobia. I was so scared Noah."

Noah frowned and moved to get out of bed, determined to go to Luke to calm him down. He was kicking himself already for what he had said, realizing too late that he had screwed up. He was further discouraged when Luke put his hands out to ward him off, the anger flashing in the green flecks of his eyes.

"I was scared that day, so scared that I almost turned around and came back, but the fact that you needed medicine kept me going. You are my everything and I just want to take care of you."

"Luke wait," Noah said even as his boyfriend stormed out of the room and slammed the door. Noah stood there for the longest of moments staring at the spot previously occupied by a very angry Luke. He knew he needed to go after him, but the question was did he go now or did he wait for Luke to cool down a bit. He wanted to kick himself for being so insensitive. His gut reaction had been to freak instead of being proud of Luke for taking such a huge step. "Noah you can be such an idiot sometimes," he berated himself. He ran a hand through his hair and decided that first he needed to shower and get dressed...then he would find his boyfriend and beg for his forgiveness.

Luke returned to the room to retrieve his journal and wasn't surprised to find the room empty. He could hear the water running in the bathroom and he sighed. He settled down on the bed with his legs folded beneath him and opened up to a new page in his journal. After he left the room he had gone to the kitchen to start breakfast, but then decided to go outside for a little walk first. Now he was back with a clear head and he was ready to have that talk with Noah.

_April 7, 2008_

_Noah said he wanted to get to know the real me...well I think he got a glimpse of "me" today. I hope I did the right thing, snapping at him like that. I didn't realize he could make me so mad...but it's just I worked so hard to overcome that one fear and all I wanted was for him to be proud of me. I knew it was dangerous, I knew the circumstances but the threat of being caught was worth it because he is worth it. He goes out there all the time to do the grocery shopping...and the thing is that while no one would question his presence, Damian and my mom would certainly wonder why he was suddenly back in Oakdale. _

_It doesn't even matter, and it's not really the point. I just want Noah to understand..._

He put down his pen and stared at the sentence, not really sure what he wanted to say anymore. He didn't look up when the bathroom door opened, and his eyes were still staring at the page when he felt the bed dip beside him.

"You're not going to make this easy on me are you?"

Luke frowned and started writing in his journal again. He could tell that Noah was watching him, but he wasn't ready to meet those blue eyes yet.

"Luke," Noah said reaching over to stop his writing hand. His touch was gentle and Luke finally looked up even as Noah moved the book and the pen to the side so he could have Luke's full attention. "I'm sorry for the way I reacted to your news. Will you talk to me, please? I don't want us to fight."

"You hurt my feelings," Luke said pulling his hands out of Noah's grasp. "I've been doing my best to make sure you were okay. I got medicine and some groceries, and even a gift I have been waiting to give to you...and you don't even acknowledge the fact that what I did was huge. Do you really think I'm stupid enough to put us in danger? I was wearing contacts, and we dyed my hair for a reason, remember? Isn't it a good thing that I risked everything for you...just like you would and have done for me?"

"Yes, that's very important," Noah said running a frustrated hand through his hair. "I'm sorry, Luke."

"I don't want you to be sorry," Luke snapped before shaking his head and reaching out for Noah's hands again. "Noah...I get why you are upset, okay? I know it was dangerous...believe me; I was practically holding my breath the entire time. And Grandmother saw me, and engaged me in a conversation and that scared me even more. Because despite the disguise I thought someone would see her talking to me and know it was me. I get it. But I was able to do this because of you, Noah. You gave me the strength I needed. I love that there was something I could do for you, you know," he said shyly, "for a change of pace."

Noah did get it. He understood what Luke was saying, and he felt even worse for flying off the handle the way he had. It was a really big deal that Luke had ventured out alone. That was one of Luke's biggest obstacles, being out and about with a lot of people around. This was the first time since he returned home almost a year ago that Luke had been out in public alone. Usually someone was with him, whether it was Noah himself or even Damian. Noah remembered the panic all too well; he knew how Luke felt about people staring at him and even just the few minutes in the bus station, and the encounter with Winston had terrified him. "Okay, I really am stupid."

"What?" Luke asked looking at him. Noah pursed his lips realizing that once again he had voiced his thoughts out loud.

"I am proud of you," He said reaching out to touch Luke's cheek. He was relieved when Luke didn't recoil from his touch. "You have come a long way since...well since I met you. And I think I lost sight of that for a minute. I've been trying so hard to be there for you and focusing on what I need to do that I forgot that you are doing a lot as well. It hasn't gone unnoticed by me, Luke. My first instinct is always to protect you. I guess I should have realized that your instinct would be to protect me. I've just never had anyone care that much for me to get it."

"Well, do you think you can get it now?" Luke asked, his tone a lot softer then it had been just moments before.

"Can you forgive me?" Noah asked cautiously.

"Of course I forgive you," Luke said taking Noah's hand into his. "It's not a matter of forgiveness, Noah. It's more a matter of you being aware that I'm everything you believed me to be. I've gotten a lot stronger over the past few months and I think I'm ready to take some of the burden off of you. I love you so much, and I've been trying to figure out a way to help you because you've done so much for me."

Noah didn't think he could convey just how touched he was by Luke's words. He lifted his boyfriend's hand up to his lips and kissed it before pulling Luke into a hug. "You already do some much, Luke and you don't' even know it." He said as he rested his chin on Luke's shoulder. "I didn't know what love meant until you. I know what I thought it meant, and I know what your family has shown me," He pulled out of the embrace and placed his hands on Luke's arms as he smiled at him, "but meeting you, and taking care of you, and helping you day by day has taught me so much about me and what I'm capable of. You've shown me that I am worth it, and I think that's why I came to Oakdale. As Capra like as it may sound I think I was meant to meet you."

"Capra is the director of It's a Wonderful Life and Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, right?" Luke asked curiously. Noah smiled and kissed him gently on the lips

"What was that for," Luke asked returning the smile.

"Just because," Noah replied softly. "I love you."

Luke bit his lip and cupped Noah's cheek in his hand, caressing it softly. "Same here."

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"About what?" Luke asked as he focused on fixing lunch.

"About your trip into town," Noah replied leaning on the counter, his eyes focused on Luke.

"It wasn't' as bad as I thought it would be," Luke admitted. "I mean, I was so scared, but no one was looking at me or even thinking about me it seemed. I was just another one of them."

"You blended right in," Noah smiled.

"Yes, and I think the disguise worked too. Maddie's brother didn't' even recognize me."

"Wow," Noah said impressed.

"It's not that surprising though," Luke said handing Noah his sandwich. "I mean, Maddie would have been a better test subject. Henry didn't really see me often enough to know my voice, while Maddie had seen me more recently."

"Well I don't think we need to test that theory." Noah's expression was thoughtful as he took a generous bite of the sandwich Luke had prepared. "The next time you venture out, I'm going with you."

"I think I'm ready to do it now, Noah. I mean, I think I can handle being in public If you are right there with me."

"You've already proven that, Luke. I'm proud of you. Really."

"Well," Luke said looking down at his own sandwich, "You being sick actually helped me with a lot of things. I conquered my fear of people and crowds, though I still think the only person I want touching me is you. And speaking of that I even conquered my fear of…" he stopped as he realized what he had been about to say. He looked up and met Noah's curious gaze.

"What," Noah said a smile playing on his lips. "What fear did you conquer?"

"My fear of intimacy," Luke admitted softly.

Noah had just been about to take a bite when Luke spoke, and his sandwich remained suspended in hair until he managed to communicate the need to put it down. "How did you do that?" he asked not really sure how to take Luke's confession.

"Well, that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about," Luke explained. "See, you helped me do that. But I am sure from your reaction that you don't remember, and I'll tell you Noah but you have to promise to remember that it helped okay?"

"Now you have my curiosity piqued. Did I do something wrong again?"

"Well, no…not exactly," Luke said running a hand through his hair. "I mean right before your fever broke something happened, but it wasn't bad or anything just surprising."

"Luke," Noah laughed nervously. "Come on…tell me. What did I do?""

"Well, um let's see how can I put this…never mind I don't think there is any way to put it lightly. Last night while you were delirious with fever…um," Luke blushed, "you made sure I knew just how deep your feelings for me run."

"Oh god," Noah said his heart beating fast at the thought of where this was going. "What did I do?"

"Your hands were exploring my body," Luke explained his eyes focused on Noah's to gauge his reaction. "There was very heavy petting and you touched me in places that you have never touched before," he shook his head in an attempt to prevent the blush from creeping up his cheeks. "We came pretty close to having sex last night."


	33. Chapter 33

If not for the situation Luke would have been amused by the emotions flitting through his boyfriend's eyes. Shock mingled with horror and love shared a dangerous tango with regret and sorrow. All of those emotions were teetering on panic and Luke knew he needed to say something before Noah completely freaked.

"Noah-"

"Nonononononono," Noah said shaking his head as he moved away from the counter. "Oh god, Luke. I'm sorry I'm so sorry. I can't believe I did that to you. Luke. I'm sorry.

He backed up until he hit the wall and Luke cupped his face into his hands and kissed him. For the first few minutes he was driving the kiss, making it as deep as he dared while trying to get Noah's trembling to cease. Their faces were so close; Luke could feel the wetness on his boyfriend's cheeks. Luke deepened the kiss even more and was rewarded for his efforts when he felt Noah's lips press against his. Their lips moved together slowly, deliberately as Noah began to relax. Luke never let go of his face, continuing to kiss him until he was completely calm. Only then did Luke break the contact, but not the connection.

"I need you to listen to me," he said pressing his forehead against Noah's. "Are you ready to listen?' He felt Noah's nod and he allowed his lips to brush against his for a second before he spoke. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Noah. You didn't hurt me, you weren't trying to hurt me, and I'm fine. See, I'm fine."

"It shouldn't have happened," Noah managed before Luke silenced him with yet another brief kiss.

"You aren't listening to me," he said softly. "I know you feel bad about what happened Noah…but I'm fine. And I love you." He pulled back allowing his fingers to run through Noah's hair as he continued to look at him. "You didn't do anything wrong last night, Noah. You helped me overcome one of my biggest fears. And do you know why I was able to do that?"

Noah shook his head, keeping his eyes focused squarely on his boyfriend who was doing wonder with his frayed nerves.

"Because I knew you wouldn't hurt me, Noah. Feeling your touches showed me that sex wasn't something to be feared. You showed me that making love is going to be incredible, but not right now. You're still getting better. So right now you're going to march to the couch and we're going to watch a movie, and if you play your cards right, I could be talked into some good, old fashioned making out."

"I think I can do that," Noah whispered a smile crossing his lips as Luke led him out of the kitchen. True to his word they settled down on the couch and Luke put in the movie he had bought Noah weeks before when he had ventured outdoors. Luke held Noah in his arms, his fingers running through dark curls as Noah focused in the movie playing on the screen. The movie Luke had picked out was one of Noah's favorites; The Best Years of Our Lives, and he realized quickly that he liked listening to Noah explain the movie to him.

They stayed on the couch for the majority of the day, just enjoying each other's company and the occasional make out session. Luke made dinner for them, and spoon fed Noah, making sure he took his medicine. "You're going to take this until you are completely okay," Luke insisted and Noah didn't argue. He was actually enjoying having someone take care of him. It was nice.

Later that evening after Noah was certain that his boyfriend was asleep he sat up and pulled his journal out of its hiding place. He opened it up to the first empty page and added a new entry.

April 7, 2008

I think growing up with my father somehow impaired my ability to listen. My dad was big on hearing him and whatever he said was what you did and how you acted. Actually following that advice stops me from seeing some things that are right in front of me, and Luke just made me realize that today. I was so busy trying to do the right thing, trying to make sure that Luke was okay that I didn't stop to realize that he was doing the same thing for me.

I really have a terrific boyfriend, and sometimes I take him for granted. I need to work on that a little bit. At least I know that Luke doesn't hold it against me. He understands; but that's just the problem. I can't just expect him to always get it even if he does. I have to let Luke be there for me. He proved to me today that he's more than capable of doing that. I can be such an idiot sometimes. It really is a wonder that Luke puts up with me.

I am very proud of him though. He did something really brave when he ventured outdoors by himself. I can't wait to see him out there conquering his fears head on. He has definitely come long way from the guy who was knocked down by the crowd of people at the beach, and the guy who got freaked out in the middle of a crowded supermarket, and a crowded airport restaurant. And it flatters me that he managed to conquer that fear for me. I mean Luke is by far the most amazing guy I have ever had the pleasure to know and I love him.

Believe it or not I even love the feisty fire I saw today. He is gorgeous when he is angry. Those brown eyes seem almost green because the flecks are flashing as his voice does this thing where he gets louder without really raising it. It is definitely something to watch. And his cheeks get all flushed, and it's probably the best indicator that Luke is pissed off at you. I think I just may be proud of my boyfriend for getting mad at me. I really have a problem don't I?'

Actually all jokes aside he really did have a point, and I'm glad he called me out on how I was acting. He's smarter than a lot of people give him credit for and he's very sharp. And he is more than capable of taking care of himself and me, as he has proven. I don't think I will be underestimating Luke again, and I pity anyone who dares to try.

I still feel bad about what I apparently did before my fever broke. I know Luke is okay, and I know that in hindsight I helped him overcome a big fear, but it's crazy to think that my inhibitions were that far gone while I was sick. Then again when Luke was delirious with fever his fear of intimacy was very apparent and I still remember his question to me. How odd that we revisited that last night. I'm glad he didn't give into the impulse to give in. I would have felt horrible, and that is not how I want our first time to happen. A small part of me is remiss that I don't recall any of it…but on the other hand I think its best that I don't.

I have to admit though that it feels good to be loved and cared for by someone. Not just someone like Luke, but someone. You couldn't be sick in my house. Sickness equaled weakness and god forbid my father had to come pick me up from the infirmary at school. He'd make me stay until the end of the day, then send me home to do chores and my homework before I could lie down and go to sleep. I'm used to having to suck it up and deal with things the best way I know how…but Luke's not going to let me do it anymore, and I'm actually glad of that. I love that he wants to take care of me. It's not the first time I've realized that…but I think it's sinking in. Luke doesn't do things he doesn't want to do. I really should consider myself lucky.

He read over his words again before putting the book and pen to the side. He needed to get some sleep. He had no doubt that Luke would fuss over him even more if he even appeared to be tired. That thought made him smile. HE truly did like having Luke take care of him, even if it was against every rule he had been taught as a child. He was just about to settle into the bed beside Luke when he heard the phone buzzing on the table. Curiously he picked it up and pressed it to his ear, knowing there weren't many people who would be calling him.

"HELLO?"

"Hi, Noah. I'm glad I caught you."

Noah frowned as he tried to place the voice. "Who is this?" he asked as he moved out of the bed, not wanting to wake Luke.

"OH! I'm sorry. Please excuse my manners. It's Lily, Luke's mom."

Noah's heart started beating fast but somehow he managed to remain calm. "Lily! I don't think I ever expected to hear your voice again. Um, how are you? Why are you calling…I thought you would be happy to have me out of your hair."

"That's not true, Noah. I liked having you around. I'm sorry my stubborn ex-husband made you feel like you needed to leave."

"That's okay…it was for the best," Noah said running a hand through his dark hair. "I hated skipping out on Luke like that though. How is he?"

"That's kind of what I'm calling for, Noah. I don't know where Luke is," Lily sounded really remorseful about that fact.

"Come again? How could you not know where he is? He was in the hospital when I last saw him."

"It's a long story, Noah. Look I need your help. Where are you?"

"I'd rather not say ma'am but if there's something I can do…"

"Thank you, Noah. Maybe if you could find him…does he know where you are? Perhaps he tried to find you. All Damian and I know is that he was with Holden for months, but then when we tracked him down Luke ran and now we have no idea where he could be."

"I'm not understanding this," Noah said as he hoped Luke stayed in the bedroom."

"You were the only one who seemed to be able to get through to my son, Noah. That leaves me forever in your debt. Please help me find him"

"Are you still trying to get ahead with the surgery?" Noah asked curiously. The line went quiet for a moment, and if not for the breathing he would have thought she hung up. "Look, Ma'am if I learned anything from my time with Luke, it's that he knows what he wants, he knows what he needs and he's more than capable of making decisions. He doesn't' want bran surgery. Maybe if you rethink that…and somehow let him know then he will stop running."

"You said the same thing before you left," Lily said with a sigh. "I would be willing to rethink the surgery thing if I could find him. I just want my little boy home safe, Noah."

Noah wanted to believe her, he did…but she had been just as determined as Damian was to put Luke under the knife. Noah was certain that if Lily had agreed, Holden wouldn't have taken Luke away. He knew that without a doubt. On some levels Luke's mom was not responsible for how Damian was acting, but on the other hand the situation as it was, was just as much her fault. IF only they would just listen to Luke.

"Look…Lily, all I can do for you is keep an eye out, okay. If he comes this way, which I don't see how he would, I will convince him to come home…but that's all I can do. And he won't if you insist he needs surgery. Think about this, if he had enough sense to get away from you, don't you think he's capable of getting by without having to drill into his brain."

"Noah-"

"Lily, look. I left because I couldn't stand what you guys wanted to do to Luke. If he got away from you then I say more power to him. I will keep my eyes open for you but I won't make any promises. You need to think about what I said."

"I will. Thank you Noah." The line went dead and Noah sighed. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair and headed back into the bedroom where Luke was stirring.

"Hey," Luke's sleepy voice met his ears as he settled back down on the bed. "It's not morning already is it," he yawned and wiped the sleep out of his eyes. Noah smiled. His boyfriend looked extra angelic when he was tired.

"No, baby it's not morning yet. It's just after Midnight."

"OH," Luke said tilting his head to the side. "Are you coming to bed?"

"Luke," Noah started not really how to say it, but knowing he needed to. "I…I just talked to your mother."

"She called you?" Luke asked making it sound like the most scandalous thing. "I didn't realize she still had your number."

Noah hid a smile and shook his head as his free hand reached up to push the hair out of his boyfriend's eyes. "She's looking for you, but you know I didn't tell her that I knew where you were."

"I know you wouldn't do that, Noah," Luke said yawning again. Noah wondered what the chances were of Luke remembering this talk in the morning. "Can we sleep and talk about this tomorrow K. Thanks."

Noah fell even deeper in love with the man as his head hit the pillow and those perfect eyelashes fluttered closed. He slipped under the covers and pulled his boyfriend into his arms, moving his hair out of his face so he could kiss his forehead. "I love you, sleepy."

He felt Luke's body burrow against his and wrapped his arms tighter around the shifting frame. "Love you too," came the sleepy murmur even as Noah closed his eyes as well. It had been a long day, and he was glad it was over"


	34. Chapter 34

_May 15, 2008_

_It's been a month since Noah was sick, and while I have written in this thing every day I haven't said anything substantial in ages. There hasn't been much to say or report. We have been cohabitating here for a month. Well obviously we've been here since Christmas, but ever since I had that talk with Noah things have been different. The changes are all good ones. I believe that we have gotten a lot closer in many ways, and I think I understand what it means to fall in love with someone…really._

_It's like being in the same room with someone yet missing them because they are still too far away. And it's knowing when that person is nearby even if you can't see them. I have noticed over the past few weeks that I know Noah's every move, sometimes even before he does. I wake up when he shifts in bed, I reach out my hand for him when I know he's just inches from my side, and there's something really nice about being able to relax against him when I know he's behind me._

_There's a whole lot of trust involved too when you are in love with someone. I know I trusted Noah fairly quickly, but he has done nothing to make me regret that choice, and I realize now that this is what it was. In a world where betrayal seemed to lie at my feet Noah was like an angel sent to remind me that there was still trust in the world. I know that sounds really hokey but it's true. If not for Noah I don't think I would believe in trust anymore, let alone something as abstract as love._

_Anyway, as usual I'm getting off track which is not hard to do when I'm thinking about Noah. To me being in love means knowing a person's shortcomings and their flaws and loving them despite and possibly because of those imperfections. IT's being able to forgive and learning from each other each and every day. It's knowing when to listen, when to speak and when to fight. It's knowing when it's time to throw in the towel and sometimes it's just being in the same room without speaking a single word. I would ask my dad if all of that is right, but I'm pretty sure I already know what he'd say._

_Luke felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Noah smiling down at him. "Hey," He said returning the smile as he closed his journal. What has you in such a good mood?"_

"Someone has a birthday tomorrow," Noah said his tone mysterious.

"I think I'm aware of that, Noah." Even as he spoke his eyes were twinkling. He loved it when Noah surprised him. "Are you planning a surprise for me?"

"IF I told you it wouldn't be a surprise," Noah rationalized. "I actually want to take you out somewhere…do you think we'd be able to do that?"

"Well if we went anywhere outside of Oakdale…that would be the easiest bet. You want to gout?"

"Well the few times we've ventured out you've done pretty well," Noah pointed out as he settled down next to Luke at the table. "I figure we can take things to the next step and actually stay in a public place for a couple of hours just to see how you do."

"Okay. Are we going to dress up," Luke asked curiously.

"No, I think what you're wearing is fine. I do have another request though, only if you will indulge me.

"Okay," Luke said pursing his lips together. "What is it, Noah. I trust you."

"Do you trust me enough to be blindfolded?"

"You really don't want me to know what the surprise is do you." Luke observed even as he pondered Noah's request.

"I want you to be completely surprised. But if you are going to be uncomfortable, I think I can trust you to keep your eyes closed.

Luke managed a small smile as he thought about what Noah was asking. IT was a big deal to him that Noah hadn't just assumed that he could be blindfolded. It was yet another thing he loved about his boyfriend; he was very considerate when it came to things. He never just took, he asked and he understood if Luke said no. OF course purposely taking away one's sight was far more than Noah had ever asked of him. He would be completely in the dark…and that scared him, but if there was anything he was sure of it was the fact that Noah wouldn't let anything bad happen to him. And truth be told he was very curious as to what Noah had to show him that involved him wearing a blindfold.

"I'll do it," He said sometime later. I trust you won't let anything happen to me, and you only want me to be really surprised. When do we go?"

"Well dinner's first, and then the blindfold okay?"

"Whatever you say Noah, I'm putting my life in your hands."

"Are we there yet?"

Noah smiled as he took his eyes off the road for a moment to look at his boyfriend. "We're almost there," he said reaching out a hand to touch Luke's knee. Relax."

"I'm just excited," Luke explained as he tried to calm his bouncing knee. He felt like he had been wearing the blindfold for hours indeed of just thirty minutes. They had gone to dinner at an Italian bistro outside of town. The food was good but Luke preferred when they cooked at home. After dessert Noah had placed a blue silk scarf over his eyes and now he was trying to guess their destination as they drove. Thus far the only thing he could smell was manure…and that was normal if you lived in small town Illinois.

"Okay we're here," Noah said just minutes later and Luke looked around, forgetting for a moment that he still wore the blindfold. He heard Noah open and close the car door and waited patiently for him to come let him out of the car. "Come on Luke," he felt a hand touch his arm and he moved to get out the car. "Not so fast," Noah cautioned as he stumbled a bit on the gravel. "Take it nice and slow, Luke, nice and slow."

He held tight to Noah's hand as they walked forward and he tried once again to guess where they were. "Noah did you bring me to a farm?" He asked as the smell of manure grew even stronger. He was very aware of the fact that they had just entered a building. The temperature changed and he could hear sounds all around him. Noah, he noticed was ignoring his question as he continued to lead him inside.

Luke's ears perked up when he heard the distinct sound of neighing horses. They were indeed on a farm, but what Luke didn't understand was why. How could Noah be surprising him here? He was momentarily startled when he felt a nose nuzzle his face affectionately and then a smile crossed his lips that could have brightened the entire barn.

"Hey girl," He said petting the horse as she continued to nuzzle his face. I know you're probably wondering about the scarf over my eyes, but I would know you anywhere. How's my Moonbeam?"

Noah snickered as he came to remove the blindfold. "Moonbeam?" he question as Luke petted his horse. "What were you on a sixties trip or something…or did you smell too much manure?"

"Ha-ha," Luke said as he wrapped his arms around his horse's neck to give her a proper hug. "She's the color of the full moon, aren't you girl? Just like the light that shines. That's where she gets her name."

"That's actually pretty sweet," Noah said sincerely. He stood back and watched as Luke talked to Moonbeam who seemed to nod and shake her head at everything Luke said. It was amazing to watch and Noah was glad he had brought Luke here. He was still watching when he heard footsteps beside him. He turned and smiled when he saw the man standing there. He turned to hug him and was pleased when the sentiment was returned.

They moved away just enough to see Luke without disturbing his conversation with Moonbeam. Noah smiled as he watched for a moment before turning to the newcomer. "Thank you for making this possible. He's going to be so happy to see you.

"He looks so different," Holden mused as he watched his son proudly. Luke was brushing Moonbeam's coat, and the horse was surely enjoying the attention. She had missed Luke dreadfully and it was great to see the two of them reunited. "I don't think I would have recognized him if I just saw him on the street. Did you dye his hair?"

"Yes," Noah laughed softly. "When we first got here, and actually I think he might be due again. I'm sure that's not the only change you noticed though."

"He's more like the son I remember now," Holden said fondly. "Definitely more confident and secure in himself."

"He's amazing," Noah said his voice thick with love.

"And the two of you are together, right?" Holden questioned. "How is that coming along?"

"Well," Noah said turning to face Holden as Luke finished brushing Moonbeam, "I have come to realize that he is very stubborn and very sharp. You remember how adamant I was about doing things for myself? Well your son put me in my place really quick."

"He comes by it honestly," Holden said proudly. "He's a Snyder."

"Noah who are you talking to," Luke asked coming towards them.

"What's wrong, Luke you don't recognize me?" Holden chuckled.

"Dad!" Luke said almost knocking Noah over to get to his father. Holden laughed as he wrapped his arms around his son, who at the moment was acting like the five year old boy he remembered.

"Hey there kiddo," he said affectionately as he patted his son on the back. Luke was far from being a kid anymore, but to Holden he'd always be his little buddy.

"How are you?" Luke asked pulling back so he could look at his father. "Are you taking care of yourself? Is Grandma feeding you? How did you and Noah set this up?"

"One question at a time, Squirt." Holden laughed. "And Happy Birthday."

Luke turned to Noah who was grinning from ear to ear as he watched the reunion. "This is the best surprise, Noah. Thank you."

"You ready to come in the house?" Holden asked drawing Luke's attention. "There's no one here but us. Even Mama's away for the night."

Noah loved seeing this excited side of Luke. It was nice also to see that his relationship with Holden was very much mended. As they left the barn Luke was chattering a mile a minute telling Holden about everything that had happened over the past few months. Holden looked over his shoulder at Noah, his eyes gleaming with something akin to pride. Noah just smiled and followed them into the kitchen, closing his eyes momentarily to adjust them to the sudden bright light.

Luke looked around the kitchen, tracing his hand along the counter as if he was trying to implant the images on his brain. He opened the cupboards and checked the refrigerator, taking a few minutes to survey the contents before pulling out a container and holding it up for his dad and Noah to see. "Thank Gran would mind?" He asked.

"It's your birthday, Luke. You can do whatever you want."

Luke smiled and placed the container on the counter and continued to rummage through the fridge. Before long they had a formidable feast consisting of Special recipe fried chicken, green bean casserole and sweet potatoes with homemade brownies for dessert and Emma's famous cider to wash it all down.

After eating they settled down in the parlor where Holden handed Luke a gift box. "What is it? Luke asked as he held the box in his lap.

"Look inside and find out?" Holden said a smile playing on his lips as he watched Noah help Luke open the box.

The first thing he pulled out was a tin full of homemade cookies. "Grandma's cookies," Luke exclaimed as he picked up a chocolate chip one and shared it with Noah. "These are so good, thanks Dad."

"You're welcome," Holden laughed. His son's appetite was definitely back, and he was glad. When Luke first returned home it was like pulling teeth to get him to eat. Now it didn't seem like he wanted to stop. He watched his son close the tin and put aside before digging into the box again.

He pulled out comics and a pair of socks, plus a photo album of all the moments he missed out on while he was away. There were movies Holden thought he would enjoy as well as copies of some of his favorite books. Luke smiled as he showed Noah a copy of The Outsiders and a very worn copy of J.D Salinger's Catcher In The Rye.

"I bought this with my own allowance," he explained holding up the copy of The Outsiders. "And it's my favorite story, or one of them. And this one was my Dad's." Noah took the well worn copy of J.D Salinger's book into his hand and smiled. "I read it way before we needed to read it for class, and Dad let me have it. He liked it because the character bears his name, though I think my dad is cooler then Holden Caulfield."

Noah chuckled and watched as Luke went back to rifling through the box which seemed bottomless. Luke pulled out a few more books and the DVD boxed set of his favorite series before coming to something that brought tears to his eyes. "Luke?" Noah asked immediately reaching out to wipe away the moisture. "What is it?"

"Mr. Blankey," Luke said pulling out a light blue blanket that looked like it had seen better days. It was tattered and ripped in the corner but it was obvious that it held great sentimental value to Luke. He placed the box aside and hugged the blanket to him. "I haven't seen this blanket since I was what nine?" he said looking up at his dad for confirmation.

"Sounds about right," Holden said fondly. You used to carry that blanket around with you everywhere, and after a time it was such a comfort to you at night. Most kids had teddy bears and bunnies, but you had Mr. Blankey to keep you safe."

"He used to say that this blanket would ward off the bad dreams," Luke explained to Noah. "I was really scared after the kidnapping and even though I wasn't a kid anymore I would cling to this and seek out Dad. It was a long time before I was able to sleep by myself again."

Noah made a mental note to ask about the kidnapping at a later date. At the second he just enjoyed learning more about Luke. The blanket, as he found out was Holden's when he was small, and when Luke had been born this was the blanket that Holden wrapped him in and it had been with him ever since. The blanket had been packed away along with all of Luke's things from his childhood and Holden unearthed it for the specific task of helping Luke ward off any more bad dreams.

"I was going to give it to Ethan," Holden explained, "but I figured you would appreciate the sentiment and then as Ethan's godfather if you wanted him to have it you could give it to him."

"Thanks Dad," Luke said smiling as he placed the blanket aside. There was one last item in the box and when he looked his mouth opened wide and he looked at Noah and then his dad before focusing on the box again. "My journal," he said lifting it out of the box. "You kept it?"

"Of course I did," Holden smiled. "I knew how important it was to you and that you would be upset that you left it behind."

"Yeah..." Luke said as he traced the cover of the first present Noah had ever given him. "I have a new one now…Noah bought it for me when we got to the cabin. But this one represents so much more than just my words." He turned so he could look at Noah and his dad. "Noah gave me back my words, and showed me I could still write. That's what this book represents."

"I didn't show you," Noah corrected thoughtfully. "I just gave you back your instrument."

When Luke opened his eyes the next morning the first thing he realized was that Noah wasn't beside him. Secondly he noticed that he wasn't at the cabin. Both pieces of information fought to send him into a panicked frenzy, but he somehow managed to stay calm as he sat up and looked around trying to figure out what was going on. He was sitting in the parlor on the couch, the gift box he received from his dad was on the floor beside him and one of his grandmother's quilts rested loosely around his shoulders. He could hear voices faintly in the other room; his dad was talking to someone. He stood and went to poke his head into the kitchen and he couldn't help but smile.

Noah was there leaning on the island talking to Holden who was flipping pancakes on the griddle. When he heard his name mentioned he made his presence known in the doorway and wrapped the blanket around himself as both men turned to look at him.

"Good morning birthday boy," Holden said grinning. "Did you sleep well?"

"We fell asleep here?' Luke asked coming to stand beside Noah at the counter.

"You slept," Noah corrected. He placed an arm around Luke's shoulders and kissed him on the cheek. "Your dad and I have been talking and plotting all night, and we decided to make you breakfast for your birthday."

"Plotting what" Luke asked curiously.

"It's a surprise," Holden said even as he served up the pancakes on the plate. "Are you ready to eat?"

"Are those banana nut pancakes?" Luke asked excitedly.

"With your Grandma's homemade syrup," Noah replied.

"Okay, I will be right back then," Luke said disappearing into the parlor. He returned without the blanket and went upstairs to wash up for breakfast. Noah and Holden were sipping on cups of coffee when he returned. "Thanks," he said when Noah handed him a mug. He took a sip and sighed contentedly. Caramel coffee, and banana nut pancakes with Grandma Emma's homemade syrup, it was already shaping up to be a nice birthday. Definitely better than his last birthday.

Faith returned while they were having breakfast. She walked into the kitchen and stopped short when she saw her father and Noah and a dark haired boy sitting at the kitchen table. "Daddy?" she said coming further into the kitchen.

Luke tensed immediately when he heard his sister's voice, and he kept his attention focused on his breakfast. Noah and Holden glanced over at Faith who was waiting for an explanation. "Hi Faith," Noah spoke up. "We were just having breakfast, do you want some?"

"What are you doing here," Faith asked even as she came over to give Noah a hug. "I never thought we'd see you again."

"How are you doing," Noah asked returning the hug.

"I'm doing alright. A little sad though."

"Why's that?"

"Well, its Luke's birthday and I miss him. I wish I knew where he was so I could tell him I love him."

"I am here, Faith." Luke spoke up causing Faith to jump. She looked startled at the brown haired stranger that sounded like her brother, but it wasn't brown eyes that looked back at her. They were green.

"Luke?" she asked tentatively. "Is that you?"

Luke smiled and nodded using his free hand to push his hair out of his face. "It's me shrimp." He said using the nickname that only he used for her.

"Luke," she said stopping short of hugging him when she noticed how tense he was. "It's so good to see you," she said hesitantly pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "I've missed you."

Luke sat for a moment watching his sister carefully as if he needed to decide what to do next. He wanted to hug her, to hold her tight which he hadn't done in a really long time. Even when he had seen her back in July he had been distant from her…and he didn't want to be anymore. He looked at his dad and at Noah who were waiting to see what he would do. Noah gave him an encouraging nod and he faced his sister once more, this time with a smile on his face.

"I missed you too," he said pulling her in for a hug. He held her close and rested his cheek on top of her head for a long moment as he felt her arms go around his waist. He was still smiling when he pulled away to look at her. "You've gotten so tall, and so pretty," He said pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'm not that tall," Faith said blushing under her brother's praise. "Are you coming home to us soon? I miss you a lot."

"I hope I can," He admitted.

"Well…just because you have to hide from Mom doesn't mean you have to hide from the rest of us does it?"

Luke opened his mouth but quickly closed it again. He had never thought of it that way. He looked at Noah with something akin to hope clear in his gaze. Noah acknowledged the look before raising his eyebrows at Holden. Faith had a point, and in all actuality it played right into Noah's plan of hiding Luke in plain sight.

"Well," Luke said breaking the silence that followed Faith's statement, "I think Noah and I are going t stay where we are for awhile, but I don't see why I can't some see you and Nat and Little Ethan. Actually I'd like that a lot. I miss you guys, and I haven't gotten a chance to know Ethan yet. Would that be okay Noah?"

Noah was beaming with pride as he nodded his assent to Luke's suggestion. Luke truly had come a long way from the guy who always wanted to be told what to do. "Actually I think that's a great idea, Luke. You can get reacquainted with your family, and then we can still have our privacy when needed. I think it's a win-win situation"

"Hear that Faith? Looks like we'll get to spend time together after all. Maybe we can even go horseback riding today. Would that be okay?" he once again looked to Noah who just smiled at him.

"It's your birthday, Luke. Whatever you want to do we can do. And since this property is pretty secluded I think horseback riding is a great idea. Not that I've ever been on a horse before."

"I'll teach you," Luke said happy that there was something he'd be able to share with Noah. "It will be fun, and I can properly introduce you to Moonbeam since I didn't get to do it last night. Riding the horse isn't that hard but you may be sore after."

"Thanks for the warning," Noah chuckled. He reached out a hand to brush back Luke's hair, a gesture that wasn't lost on Faith. "We can go horseback riding, and then your surprise and then we'll head back home okay?"

"I like that idea," Luke smiled as he pushed the remaining pancakes around on his plate.

"Faith are you hungry sweetheart?" Holden spoke up.

"I can go for some pancakes," Faith said taking a seat next to her father. Holden fixed a plate for her and it didn't long for her to start teasing Luke about his hair. Holden smiled as Luke teased her back, and Noah added his voice to the fray. It was a nice family moment and Holden was just glad that it was possible.

"Hey girl," Luke said as his horse nuzzled his face. "It's nice to see you too. There's someone I want you to meet okay? I hope you like him as much as I do. His name is Noah, and he's probably the sweetest guy you will ever meet, even sweeter than me."

Noah smiled as he watched Luke talk to his horse. He was standing a mere inches away waiting for the moment when he would meet Moonbeam. He could admit to himself that he was a bit scared to be so closed to the intimidating animal, but for Luke he would walk on fire, and surely that was more terrifying then petting and riding a horse.

"Noah," Luke's voice pulled him out of his thoughts and he moved forward to take his boyfriend's outstretched hand. "Just reach out and touch her nose, its okay," Luke instructed. Noah nodded and reached out h is hand to touch the mare's nose. Moonbeam leaned into Noah's hand and he smiled as he continued to pet her.

"HI," he laughed as she nuzzled at his hand then his face. "I'm Noah. It's nice to meet you, Moonbeam. You're master here is going to teach me how to ride today. Will you be gentle with me? You will? Awww thanks girl." Luke came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist, his head resting against Noah's back.

"I knew she'd like you, Noah." Moonbeam snorted and stomped her foot as if in response to Luke's voice and Noah laughed. He turned away from the horse to take Luke in his arms. He kissed him softly and pressed their foreheads together briefly.

"I love you."

"I love you too," Luke said a faint blush staining his cheeks. He kissed Noah once again softly and then pulled away taking his hand as he began to move away from Moonbeam. "Come on, it's time for you to get ready for your first riding lesson. Part one; you have to have a good pair of boots."

Once he was fitted with a good pair of boots Noah learned how to prepare the horse for riding. He enjoyed watching Luke and Faith prepare the horses and was surprised when Luke asked him to help with the saddle. It warmed his heart that his boyfriend wanted to include him in the process somehow. He was beginning to get nervous as he watched Luke help Faith mount her horse. Suddenly he wasn't sure if he would be able to do it, though surely it couldn't be that hard.

"You sure I can't watch you and Faith ride?" He asked when Luke came to stand beside him. He felt a warm hand take hold of his and he looked to see his boyfriend smiling at him.

"We're going to ride Moonbeam together, but first I have to show you how to mount her."

"Okay," Noah said taking a deep breath. "What do I need to do?" To his horror Luke bent down his hands cupped together by the stirru8p as he looked expectantly at Noah. "You want me to step in your hand? Won't I hurt you?"

"You aren't placing your heel in my hand," Luke explained. Just your foot so I can give you a boost as you swing your leg over the other the horse. Do you want me to demonstrate first?"

"Maybe you should," Noah said frowning uncertainly. Luke stood up straight and grabbed a hold of the saddle swinging his leg over the animal with such grace and ease he took Noah's breath away.

"Now you try?" Luke said jumping to the ground and assuming the position. "Place your hands on the saddle, don't worry you won't hurt the horse. "And place your foot on my hands like so. Then pull yourself up and swing, okay?"

Noah nodded and held on to the saddle as he placed his foot in Luke's hand. He felt Luke push up even as he pulled and swung his leg over the other side.

"You did it," Faith cheered from her spot on top of her mare. She smiled at him, and he returned the gesture before looking at his boyfriend who was beaming. Luke easily climbed onto the horse behind him and instructed him to put his feet in the stirrups. Once that was done he grabbed hold of the reins and explained how to use them before leaving them in Noah's hands. Noah opened his mouth to speak but was rendered speechless when he felt Luke's arms wrap around him, his stomach resting against Noah's back.

"Relax, Noah." Luke's voice was soothing and soft in his ear. "Just give Moonbeam a nudge and she'll start moving. It will be fun."

Noah nodded and did as he was told. True to form Moonbeam started moving forward causing Noah to hold on to the reins tightly. After a few tense moments he started to relax. Moonbeam seemed to know where she was going. She was following Faith's horse along the trail, and Noah took a moment to look around at the property. He had been to the Snyder farm countless times, but he had never had the opportunity to see the whole property.

"This is beautiful," he said as Moonbeam continued to travel towards a clearing. "Your grandma owns all this land?"

"Yes," Luke replied easily. "And we're coming up on the coolest part soon. I can't wait to show you."

Before he had a moment to ask Luke what he meant, Moonbeam came to a stop in front of a body of water. Noah was amazed as he looked at the expanse of blue before him.

"Welcome to Snyder Pond," Luke said climbing down off the horse. He helped Noah down and pulled him to the edge of the water. Faith joined them moments later after making sure the horses was settled. "The water may be too cold for swimming right now, but this is where we've spent a lot of our summers and it's where I like to come and think."

"Wow," Noah said completely in awe of the crystal clear water. The son reflected off the water causing it to shimmer like silver and Noah hoped that he would be able to experience what it was like to swim in it come summer time. "It's beautiful, Luke." he smiled and turned to take Luke into his arm.

"This is where I feel most at home," Luke explained wrapping his arms around Noah's neck, not caring that his sister was close by.

"Thank you for sharing it with me."

"And thank you for giving me my family for my birthday it's the best gift ever."

They were just about to share a kiss when they heard Faith making kissing news behind them. "oooooh" she said when they turned her way. She continued to make kissing noises until Luke ran after her causing her to shriek. Noah watched brother and sister chase each other around the embankment and smiled. It was nice to see Luke so carefree and happy. For the first time Noah was beginning to think everything would work out fine.

_May 16, 2008_

_Today has been the best day ever. It is definitely a birthday I won't forget any time soon. Noah really knows how to surprise me, and I just can't stop smiling even though it has been hours since the surprise. In fact it's almost midnight, but I am still too wired to even attempt sleep. Noah's already out like a light though. I'm not surprised. He and my dad stayed up all night, and then he went horseback riding with me and made sure I had a great day. I love Noah so much…he was very sweet to me today._

_Teaching Noah how to ride a horse was fun. I introduced him to Moonbeam and she liked him immediately. I'm not surprised, I liked Noah immediately too, and that's saying something. Anyway when we got back to the house Dad was in the kitchen helping Grandma fix lunch and Noah and I were standing by the counter when Abby came out of the door that leads upstairs. She had come to say happy birthday to me. Dad and Noah really were plotting for a long time with this. I was really glad to see her, I had missed her._

_After dinner Noah and I headed back to the cabin with promises to come see everyone again really soon. I think Noah was really pleased that his plan seems to be working. I do remember him saying something about hiding in plain sight when we were on the bus. In any case I am just glad that we can spend time with the family, and not worry about Mom and Damian for a change. They will be back eventually but for right now I am glad that I don't have to hide from people. Now if only I could be comfortable around them._

_I think that my favorite part of the day was the gift box I got from Dad. I'm glad I have my first journal back. It means so much to me. Looking back at it I am amazed at how far I have come in the past months. My sentences were so disjointed when I started journaling in California. It was truly as if I was just learning how to write all over again. Noah believed in me, and that helped. He believes in me now too, and he made a suggestion that I am really going to consider._

_Noah says I should keep the journals as evidence of my progress. When we confront Damian he wants to use these books, my words as a timeline of how I was after I initially came home and then the progress I made after I left Memorial Hospital. I have always been very self-conscious about my writing but I think in this case Noah is right. I will make copies of my journals so that people can know my story._

_It's after midnight now, so I think it's time for me to head to bed. I'm tired and honestly I miss Noah, even though he's lying right there beside me. I'm going to go settle down in his arms, and I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Life is an adventure after all, and I don't want to miss a minute of it._


	35. Chapter 35

_June 1, 2008_

_I can hardly believe that it's been a year since I first set foot in Oakdale, Illinois. Actually the year mark passed a couple of weeks ago, after Luke's birthday. A lot has happened since I came here and I have changed a lot from the guy who showed up on Lily's doorstep with my duffle bag on my shoulder and a slip of paper with everything I wanted to say so I wouldn't stumble on my words. I never did use that piece of paper…but when I entered that house I found family, Luke's family._

_Things were really good for me here, and I'm actually glad I'm back. Though I wouldn't trade the adventures I've had over the past ten months for anything. I feel like I was meant to help take care of Luke. Helping him to get better has given me a sense of purpose and I feel like I'm a better person for the experience. OF course that being said it's time to get to the point of this entry._

_Bringing Luke back to Oakdale has worked out really well. And allowing him to be around his family has done wonders for his spirit. I've always felt like I was learning more and more about Luke every day this entire time. But here, in his element surrounded by his family and friends and the farm, I feel like I'm truly getting to know the man I have come to love with all my heart._

_Luke has made a lot of progress since his birthday. He is a lot happier, and more confident in himself and his decisions. He still asks me if things are okay, but I feel that is more because we are a pair and not because he doesn't know what he wants to do. He writes in his journal diligently every day, and has declared that by the time August is here he will be using the new aftermath journal. I told him I would hold him to that, and made sure he knew I was proud of him too._

_Lucinda and Emma are still the only ones who know where we have been staying for the past five months. Holden hasn't been up here, but he is aware that we are using the cabin. We thought it would be best if we kept our location secret. We're not worried about Damian and Lily coming anymore since Luke is getting better every day, but I want to make sure he has somewhere to go where he can feel safe and normal. What I mean by that is that this is the only place he's been where he hasn't had nightmares and memory shocks. Since he regained his memory in January he has been fine. He has fond memories of our time in Georgia, and some of California but they are marred by betrayal. He can't recall them without remembering that Aaron ratted him out, and that Damian saw him in Georgia. I don't want that to happen here._

_MY ideal hope is for Luke to come to think of this place as home. I know it's probably wishful thinking on my part but I would love to settle down here with Luke when this is all over. Living with him has been a treat. Well, I know I've been living with him for almost a year now, but the past five months especially have been really nice. I feel at home here, like this is where I'm supposed to be. Luke and I are a family and I am really growing to like it._

"Noah," Luke called from the kitchen where he was preparing dinner. "The food's ready." Noah smiled and looked down at what he was writing, marking his place before closing the book. When he started the entry he had a purpose, but he had quickly learned that thoughts didn't always cooperate when the time came for them to be written down. Luke had taught him that. "Noah," Luke said again startling Noah out of his thoughts. His boyfriend was now standing beside him with a worried expression on his face. "Are you okay?"

"Just fine," Noah said standing to take Luke into his arms. "I've never been better." He could tell that his boyfriend didn't quite believe him but he let it drop for now. Noah allowed himself to be pulled into the kitchen where his nose was assaulted with the aroma of garlic, oregano and basil. "Mmmm what have you been cooking in here?" he asked as Luke pushed him down into a chair.

"Manicotti," Luke responded with a smile. For the last few weeks Luke had been trying out recipes from a cookbook Noah had picked up from the bookstore. This week's theme was Italian food, and at some point that week they were going to attempt to make Creamy Parmesan-Garlic pasta. He was looking forward to that.

"Are you trying to fatten me up," he teased as Luke placed a plate of Manicotti in front of him.

"This coming from the guy who can inhale an entire pizza on his own and then still have room for dessert? Have you seen you?" he asked as he settled down at the table.

"I'm sure I've gained quite a few pounds after eating your Grandmother's baked goods," Noah pointed out a twinkle in his eye. He loved being able to joke with Luke this way.

"Ha. The only thing that has gotten bigger on you, Noah Mayer, is your head."

Noah raised his eyebrows as Luke's expression became thoughtful and he realized what his statement could imply. "Has someone been having naughty thoughts?" he asked as he took a bite of his dinner. He closed his eyes momentarily to savor the full flavor of the sauce blended with the ricotta cheese and the noodles. It was delicious.

"Shut up and eat your dinner," Luke laughed; his head down so Noah couldn't see him blushing. He took a bite of his own food and occasionally looked up at his boyfriend to see what he was thinking. On one hand he hoped he hadn't offended Noah with his statement, but on the other to him it was a big deal that he had been able to joke like that. He wondered if Noah realized it.

It was nice just being able to sit there with him like this. No words were spoken as they ate, there were no need for them. Noah smiled when he caught Luke looking at him, and he wondered just what was going on in the blond's head. "What are you thinking about?" he asked curiously as Luke played with the last bite of Manicotti on his plate.

"Nothing," Luke said shrugging his shoulders. He was suddenly very fascinated with the ricotta cheese.

"Are you sure?"

Luke nodded still not lifting his head to look at Noah. Noah frowned and reached out to touch Luke's wrist gently. He smiled when his boyfriend finally looked up at him and moved his hand to his cheek as he spoke.

"You know I was just joking with you before right? About being naughty?"

"I know," Luke said nuzzling Noah's hand. I really didn't think about the meaning until I said it."

Have you been thinking about things like that a lot?"

"Well…" Luke started pulling away from Noah's touch a smile still playing on his lips. "I've been thinking about a lot of things."

"Such as?"

"Such as you doing the dishes since I cooked." Luke smiled triumphantly at the look on Noah's face. This teasing thing was a lot of fun. He gave Noah a quick kiss before bouncing out of the kitchen, leaving Noah puzzled and amazed all at the same time.

It was normal for his mind to drift to thoughts of Luke at any given moment. As he washed the dishes he couldn't help but wonder about his boyfriend's behavior. His attitude was curious, yet at the same time Noah found he was very intrigued by it. It was nice really to see Luke playing like this. He was relaxed and comfortable, and that was all Noah could ever have asked for.

The faint strands of music met his ears as he placed the last dish in the drainer. He wiped his hands on a hand towel and poked his head into the living room. Luke was there listening to a song on the radio. His eyes were closed and he looked almost dreamlike as he danced to the slow song. If it had been anyone else Noah would have wondered if he was crazy. However, this was Luke, and he just looked adorable.

Ever so slowly Noah crept into the room and placed his hands on Luke's waist. Luke jumped but he didn't stop his movements, his hips swaying to the music as Noah moved behind him. "Are you having fun?" Noah whispered in his ear. Luke grinned and pretended that he couldn't hear Noah, even though he heard every word he said. "Are you ignoring me?" Noah laughed as Luke continued to move with the music going as far as moving out of Noah's grasp so he could dance around the room. Noah caught the gleam in his boyfriend's eyes and got an idea. "Okay, then," he said moving in on Luke again. "Two can play at that game Snyder?"

"What are you doing?" Luke laughed as Noah once again placed his hands on Luke's waist. Noah said nothing as he moved his fingers up and down as if he were trying to find the perfect spot to attack. "Noah?" Luke asked curiously though he had no urge to move away from the touch. "What, Oh no don't" he laughed as Noah started to tickle him.

Luke's laughter was rich and full and Noah found himself quickly becoming addicted to the sound of it. His fingers were relentless; tickling every inch Luke would allow him to touch. He was enjoying this game they were playing, and he was thrilled that Luke seemed to like it too. Months ago he never would have dared touch Luke like this…but now he wasn't sure he wanted to stop.

"Nooah! " Luke laughed as he tried to squirm away from his boyfriend. "Cut it out. Stop it already!"

"What was that?" Noah asked even as his fingers made a move for Luke's armpits. "Did you want me to stop, Luke? All you have to do is say so."

Luke's head was spinning as he continued to squirm under Noah's ministrations. He couldn't stop laughing, and he couldn't stop thinking about how different this was from any other time he had been touched. Noah was playing with him; that was pretty evident from the moment he had started this tickle madness. There was no malice behind this touching, and Noah's own words clearly supported that fact. If he wanted Noah to stop, he would stop and that fact resonated louder than any other in Luke's mind. He liked this. Even though Noah was torturing him with tickling, he liked how it felt to be touched by Noah.

"So what will it be, Luke?" Noah's voice invaded his thoughts. "Are you ready to give in?"

Another laugh escaped his lips as he moved to stop Noah's hands from tickling him. He turned to face his boyfriend, his face flush with laugher, his eyes gleaming with happiness. "I don't want you to stop, Noah."

He did stop, and his heart started beating a mile a minute as he realized Luke wasn't talking about tickling. At least he was fairly certain he wasn't. Noah pulled his hands away from Luke and used them to cup his face. Luke's hands found their way to Noah's wrists as he looked at him, the answer clear in his dark gaze and Noah found that he desperately wanted to kiss him.

It took him a moment to realize that Luke had closed the distance between them. It took a second for him to respond to the soft, yet intense kiss that threatened to take his breath away if he wasn't' careful. They were a tangle of arms momentarily as Luke moved to wrap his arms around Noah's neck, and Noah moved to pull Luke closer to have better access to his inviting mouth. The feeling was intoxicating, and Noah didn't know what excited him more; the fact that Luke was driving this train or Luke's admission that he didn't want to stop.

He felt his legs hit the back of the couch and only partially registered that he was being lowered down to it. His arms wrapped around Luke as they continued to kiss. Their tongues dances as Luke's hands started running up and down his back. It seemed an eternity passed before their parted, breathless and sated at the same time.

"Can I?" Luke asked as he looked at Noah. There was something akin to nervousness in those brown eyes with flecks of green. Nervousness and curiosity that Noah wanted to fulfill. HE knew what Luke was asking, what he needed at this moment.

"It's alright, Luke," he said reaching out to brush Luke's cheek. "I trust you."

Luke nodded and took Noah's hand into his, caressing it with his thumb and examining it as if it were a precious jewel he just discovered. He kissed those fingers causing Noah to catch his breath as he watched. Luke moved from the fingers to his hand and rained kisses up his wrist to his arm. He seemed intent on exploring every inch of Noah's body, as if he wanted to commit it to memory.

He let go of Noah's arm and focused on his chest, his fingers reaching out to trace the muscles that were visible through his polo shirt. He lifted the hem of the shirt and Noah sat up to allow the fabric to be pulled away from his skin. A gasp escaped Luke's lips as he spied the creamy rippled skin. It fascinated him, and intrigued him, and Noah saw the hesitation in his eyes. He reached out his hand and guided Luke's to his chest.

Luke's hands rested flat against Noah's stomach and he slowly began his exploration, once more taking in every inch, every crevice. He kissed the discolored marks left from bruises long faded, and he lovingly traced the white lines on Noah's wrists, a lasting memory of the moment he tried to end his life. Noah closed his eyes and enjoyed Luke's slow perusal of his body. He would allow his boyfriend to go as slowly as he needed to. There was no rush here, and he didn't know how far Luke was going to take things. He could feel the tightness in his pants and hoped that his sudden bulge didn't freak Luke out. He couldn't help it…Luke's hands were doing wondrous things; he was in love with those hands.

He rained kisses all over Noah's naked skin before moving up to capture those lips once more in a heated kiss that left both their hearts racing. He made his way back down Noah's length; his boyfriend's heavy breathing a definite sign that he was enjoying it. Every sound fascinated Luke. It was as if Noah was helping to disprove every single thing he had been taught at Echo Lake. It amazed him that he was able to bring someone pleasure just by touching their skin and kissing them here and there. He played with Noah's belly button and dared to suck on it to see what would happen. Noah moaned contentedly and Luke found he liked that sound a lot.

His hands settled on Noah's hips and he looked down at the bulge that had formed in his shorts. He touched it lightly with his fingers causing Noah to hiss at the sensation. He looked up, his gaze locking with Noah's as he continued to stroke. Noah was enjoying the friction, and there was something in that gaze that really got to Luke. He saw the desire…Noah wanted him, and that made Luke even more determined to continue his exploration.

His fingers stroked Noah's hardness once more before he unbuttoned his shorts, pulling the zipper down slowly just because he knew Noah wanted to be touched there. Noah lifted up his lower body so that Luke could pull the shorts down. He was only slightly surprised when Luke removed his boxers as well.

"You know…it's not really fair that I'm completely naked and you're still dressed," he teases as Luke focused on the swollen member that had popped out at him. Noah's words were lost to him at the moment. All he saw was Noah, all swollen and ready. Luke reached out his hand carefully to stroke the tip. Noah's hitched his breath, and Luke licked his lips as his fingers touched the flesh of Noah's beautiful cock. He cupped it with his hand and started to stroke up and down its shaft. He liked how it felt in his hand, and he could tell that Noah was enjoying the attention as well.

Noah's breathing continued to quicken as Luke's hand moved up and down effectively making him harder. Luke's touch was like a drug to him, he was already well on his way to being addicted…and he didn't mind it one bit. "Luke," He moaned as Luke bent down to kiss his tip. Noah gasped and moaned anew as his dick disappeared into Luke's mouth. He knew he was a goner when the sucking started. It Luke pumped and sucked at the same time. He looked like he was thoroughly enjoying himself. Noah longed to put his fingers in Luke's hair, to press him deeper into his crotch but he didn't dare. This was still uncharted territory for Luke. God only knew what they made him do at Echo Lake, and Noah was determined that Luke would call all the shots.

"God Luke," He heard Noah call his name as he continued to suck harder. His lips and his tongue were making quick work of the shaft and he found he really enjoyed how Noah tasted. Just then Noah let out a cry and Luke suddenly found his mouth full of creamy sperm. It tasted salty and sweet and Luke managed to swallow it without choking. He pulled his mouth off of Noah's limp member and watched as his boyfriend road the waves of his orgasm. Noah was beautiful, and in that moment Luke fell even deeper in love with him; if that was even possible.

Noah pulled Luke down on top of him and kissed him deeply. He could taste himself on Luke's lips and that drove him crazy. The kiss was deep and heated, full of love and the desire he was feeling at the moment. There was something very intoxicating about kissing Luke, and he hoped he never had to stop doing it.

Luke was breathless when he broke away from the kiss, his hands resting on Noah's smooth stomach as he lifted himself up onto his knees. Noah watched as his boyfriend slowly took off his t-shirt and he stayed still. He knew how important this moment was for Luke. His boyfriend was very shy when it came to his body and the slightest misstep would break the moment they were having.

Luke slipped out of his shorts and his boxers and resumed his position on the couch. Noah could tell that he was trying to figure out what happened next, yet he still remained quiet. This moment was about Luke. He hoped the smile on his face would be enough to show Luke just how proud he was.

Once again Luke's fingers began their gentle explorations. He touched everywhere and Noah's noises let him know that he was enjoying it. Noah gasped when he felt fingers between his butt cheeks. Luke slid a finger into Noah's entrance gently. He was being careful as if he expected any moment for Noah to cry out in agony. This part fascinated him more than anything. Noah seemed to like having a finger pressed in there, so Luke added another. It was Noah's pleasure that spurred him forward and it made him curious at the same time.

"You're enjoying this?" he asked sure that he sounded stupid, but it really puzzled him and he just wanted Noah's confirmation.

Noah nodded and forced himself to lift his head so that he was face to face with his boyfriend. He placed his hands on Luke's cheeks, caressing his face lovingly as he looked deep into his eyes. "Making love is a beautiful thing, Luke. It's something to be enjoyed by both parties. IF we do this, I want you to love it, okay? Don't do it because you think I want you to. This is about you."

Luke nodded, tears in his eyes as he kissed Noah tenderly. "Can you help me make love to you, Noah?"

Noah pulled Luke down on top of him and kissed him passionately. The kiss had the desired effect, Luke was hard and ready. Noah licked his lips as he looked at the swollen member calling to him…but he couldn't partake in that today. Today was about Luke. With the patience of a saint he explained the positions to Luke and thanked god he had already researched these things. Luke placed Noah's legs on his shoulders and positioned himself as he has been instructed. This position allowed him the opportunity to look at Noah. That fact alone comforted him. He could see in Noah's eyes that he wanted this, and Luke wanted it too. He wanted to feel himself inside Noah. He wanted this.

He took a deep breath and poised himself to enter Noah. He heard Noah's breath hitch again when his tip penetrated the hole. Noah gasped and Luke moved slowly, stopping every few inches to allow Noah to get used to it. Once he was buried deep he waited until he was sure that Noah was okay before he started to move. His thrusts were slow and deliberate at first, but he picked up the pace after a few encouraging noises from Noah.

Noah was enjoying himself; this fact helped Luke to enjoy it as well. He loved being buried deep inside Noah. He loved that he was the cause of Noah's writhing and panting, and it was all good. There wasn't any fear, any crying, or any pain. It was just love; he could see it clearly in Noah's eyes and he just knew the expression was a mirrored version of his own.

Noah moved his hips to meet every thrust and Luke tried his best to hit the spots that seemed to emit the most sounds from his boyfriend. He loved this feeling. He enjoyed knowing that he was able to bring Noah some joy. He was the reason Noah was writhing with pleasure. Luke thought this position was his favorite without having to try any of the others.

"Noah, I think I'm about to…oh gosh," he gasped as he rapidly picked up the pace.

"Just let it come, Luke," Noah gasped as he prepared to reach his own climax. "Ride it out. Just…let go."

Luke's breathing grew ragged as he took heed of Noah's words. He pulled out almost completely and pushed himself back in quickly burying himself deep inside his boyfriend.

He didn't think he'd ever be able to explain how incredible the climax was. The release was intense, and it brought tears of joy to his eyes. He felt Noah's fingers wiping the tears away and felt himself being pulled down for another deep intoxicating kiss. "I love you Noah," he said as he nestled there in Noah's arms. Noah wrapped his legs around Luke's and held him close kissing the top of his matted hair.

"I Love you too, Luke. I love you too."


	36. Chapter 36

His eyes fluttered open when he felt the body shift beneath him. He looked down and smiled at the peaceful face of his lover and he smiled. It hadn't been a dream after all. Part of him wanted to wake the sleeping figure, to see those crystal blue eyes gazing at him with so much love and affection. But on the other hand he enjoyed watching him sleep. There was something very peaceful about resting his head against Noah's chest listening to his strong heartbeat. It always gave him a sense of peace.

He kissed him softly on his lips before moving to stand. He watched his lover shift on the couch but he didn't wake up. He wondered if his boyfriend felt the sudden loss of warmth. He wrapped his arms around himself and went to find a blanket to cover him with. He found a robe for himself and took his journal from its hiding place and settled back on the couch once again watching the rise and fall of his boyfriend's chest. Dark hair framed his forehead, and he reached out to brush it back. He thought his boyfriend was beautiful, and he could hardly believe that he was truly his.

The memories of what they shared filled him with a warmth he couldn't begin to describe. He was going to attempt it now that he was awake. He opened his journal to an empty page and a smile crossed his lips as he began to write.

_June 2, 2008_

_I feel so empowered right now, and I think the reason why is sleeping right beside me at this moment. I am sure anyone who reads this will think I am being a little overdramatic but it's the truth, and I think I have the right to feel this way. I have just experience the ultimate expression of love and I have to tell you that it was exciting and frightening all at the same time. That being said however, I feel like making love with Noah was the best decision I have ever made._

_And that's just it, the fact that it was my decision. It was my choice and Noah allowed me to be in control of it. He guided me when I asked him to, but for the most part I was in charge. Being with him in that way was exquisite, and even that word doesn't seem to describe it properly. It wasn't so much the penetration either. That was great but what I'm talking about is the overall feeling I have about the entire experience._

_At Echo Lake we were discouraged from admiring ourselves and checking out our fellow campers. Our bodies were meant to be covered up and hidden, only to be shared with a female counterpart. We were taught that anal penetration was painful, wrong, and to be feared. Our bodies were ravaged weekly just to drive that lesson home, and it never made sense to me why it was okay for the counselors to misuse us in that way. It was horrible; they used the very methods that were wrong to torture us. They called them scare tactics, but to me if you teach someone that sex hurts…then it doesn't matter if they are with women or men, they are going to fear it._

_What I have learned though is that there is nothing wrong with fearing the unknown. Fear doesn't' have to be a bad thing. IT doesn't have to define you. It's just the feeling you feel before you try something new. If you didn't have just a little bit of fear then you appear to be invincible. I have learned that no one can claim that title. I mean don't get me wrong, I have my heroes; my dad is the best man I know and Noah…Noah is incredible. The thing that endears me to these two men the most is that they are not afraid to tell me they're scared._

_Noah was just as afraid as I was last night, and I knew it. IF there was any doubt about his love for me, I think he proved it last night when he trusted me. Noah gave himself over completely to me, going against everything he was taught to believe. I feel that if Noah can do it, than I can do it…but it will take some time for me to get there. Of course I just veered off topic just a bit, but my point is that Noah doesn't hide his fear from me. And neither does my dad, even though he tries harder because his first instinct is to protect me. We were always pretty close though, and I am glad we are getting that part of our relationship back on track. I missed him._

_I think in the end fear makes us human. It's another one of those emotions that we can have control over. At the same time it can be as volatile as anger if we're not careful. It only has as much power as you give it, and I have learned that giving in to it means that the person or thing you fear wins, and that's just not the way to live. If we live in fear we aren't really living at all, and that is what I think I hae learned most from this past year. I credit Noah for helping me to realize that._

_I have to give Noah credit for a lot of things, but I know he would tell me that I shouldn't sell myself so short. I can admit that I have come a long way from the guy who showed up at my parents' home last July. I cannot get over the fact that it's been almost a year since Echo Lake. I feel like I've been out of that place for a very long time but really I haven't. It's all very strange to me, even though I feel more like myself than ever. I believe I am happier then I was even before I went to Echo Lake. And that's not saying that going to that camp was good for me. It wasn't. But I think being with Noah this past year has worked wonders and I _am completely ready to _embrace my true self._

_And more importantly I know what unconditional love is now. I get the concept. It makes complete and total sense to me. It really does have no boundaries and I think that is the best thing of all._

He felt Noah's presence even before the arms wrapped around his waist and he smiled and leaned back into the embrace. "Good morning," he said shyly as Noah kissed his knick before resting his chin on his shoulder.

"Any morning waking up with you is a good morning."

"Oh then every morning is good," Luke laughed. He didn't even blink an eye when Noah took the pen out of his hand and took possession of the journal.

He held it up and smiled. "May I?" he asked, in the sweetest gentlest way. Luke nodded, and then watched as Noah scanned the words, a smile playing on those perfect lips as he twirled the pen in his hand. Luke was taken aback but not offended when Noah started writing beneath where Luke had stopped.

_Yesterday is a day I will remember fondly for the rest of my life. Not only did I overcome a fear that has plagued me for many years, I got to do it with this man, Luke Snyder. Luke made me the happiest man on the face of the earth and I love him more than anything. Right now he is smiling at me as I hijack his journal and I bet I can guess what he's thinking. There is something magical about being with the one you love. I don't think it can be put into words, and the only word I can think of to describe it is bliss, pure and unadulterated. Luke isn't the only one who has come along way in the past year…but I need him to know that I am proud of him._

_Luke had tears in his eyes when Noah looked up from the paper, and he smiled as he took the pen and the book back and placed them on the table. He cupped Noah's face in his hands and kissed him softly, hungrily, his body responding immediately to the passion flowing between them. Noah let out a moan as his back hit the couch and for just a little while they got lost in each other again._

_June 2, 2008_

_I'm writing this while Luke is taking a shower, so I don't have a lot of time. I think today has to be single-handedly the best day of my life. I know that sounds cliché and like something one would say in a movie, but I'm serious. I feel really good about myself, about love and about life in general today. I am secure in the decisions I have been making and I have someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. It may be too presumptuous to think of Luke as my life partner, but that's what I want. I won't tell him that just yet though. I think he has made a lot of progress but I don't want to push things too far before he's ready for it._

_Yesterday was a really big step for both of us. More so him then me, but what I loved about last night, even more so then the lovemaking, was the gentleness and the care Luke showed as he explored my body. He was very careful, very fluid in his motions and I felt safe in his hands. I was content, and the fact that he was so tender is why I was able to give over my trust to him. There has never been a doubt that I would trust Luke with my life, but yesterday I trusted him with everything and relinquishing power is definitely not something I can do easily. Luke is just stubborn enough to get me to do what he wants though, and I think he knows it._

_Just thinking about Luke makes me smile. We shared something pretty incredible last night…and this morning as well. I don't think this will be a day I will soon forget._

_"Hey" he exclaimed when the pen was swiped out of his hand. He turned to see his boyfriend grinning at him, all the while waving the pen above his head. Noah was barely out of his seat before Luke dashed off running in his bare feet across the kitchen. Noah ran after him his long legs giving him the advantage. He was just about to grab Luke's shirt when the shorter boy slipped away and headed for the living room. "Luke you're crazy," he laughed as he followed after him. "Luke?" he said when he couldn't spot him anywhere in the living room. "Where did you go?"_

He checked the bedroom , but there was no sign of him in there. He looked in the closet even though he was certain Luke wouldn't hide in a dark place, and he even checked the kitchen again just in case Luke had possibly snuck past him. "Luke" he called again growing concerned when he couldn't find him anywhere. "Where did you go?"

Luke was hiding in the foyer, the one place Noah hadn't thought to look. He snuck back into the living room and settled down on the couch . HE placed the pen on the table and started flipping chanells as he waited for Noah to come into the living room.

"Luke where are…there you are," Noah said entering the living room with his hands on his hips. "Where did you go? I've been looking all over for you."

Luke grinned as he kept his eyes focused on the TV pretending to be interested in the western he had turned to. "I've been sitting here waiting for you," he said innocently."

"Right," Noah chuckled. He came over to the couch and settled down next to his boyfriend, his hand immediately going up to ruffle Luke's damp hair. "I love you, you jerk."

Luke turned and beamed at him, his tongue flicking out briefly like a frog catching a fly. Noah laughed at him and shoved him playfully causing Luke to drop the remote he held in his hand. "Stop," Luke laughed before turning serious as he picked up the remote and placed it on the table. He leaned forward and kissed Noah softly on the nose. "I love you too. Dork."

Noah just smiled and shook his head. He wasn't sure what to say. It was amazing to him to see just how much their conversations had changed over the past ten months. He couldn't have imagined being this carefree and open with the Luke he had met back then.

"Isn't it crazy?" Luke asked catching Noah's attention. "Just how much has changed over the past ten months?"

"I was just thinking bout that," Noah admitted a smile creeping across his lips. He just couldn't stop grinning. "I don't think I would have ever guessed how much things would change. I mean, I knew you were not sick like they made you were but-"

"I was different," Luke finished his thought and nodded. "I was closed off and so unsure of everything."

"And you were hesitant," Noah reminded him. "I'm surprised you even wanted anything to do with me."

"Well, you were the one person who seemed genuine to me," Luke explained as he moved to run his hand through his hair which promptly fell in his face. "I was hurt and angry and I felt so betrayed by my Parents and by Damian."

"It's funny how we now know everything wasn't as black and white as we thought it was," Noah mused. "I mean there are so many tangles, so many twists and turns…it's a wonder we were able to figure half of this stuff out."

"You figured it out. I was just confused and messed up. I could barely tie my own shoes let alone figure out that something wasn't right about Damian's story versus my Dad's and my mom's. "I don't know what I would have done without you, Noah. You talk about me putting up with you…how did you manage to put up with me? I'm a handful when I am fully aware of my faculties. I can only imagine how bad I was when I came home.

"You give yourself way too little credit, my love." Noah reached out a hand and touched Luke's cheek, allowing his thumb to caress it softly. "There was a time when a touch like this would have scared you. And things would not have ended well if I had called you a jerk ten months ago."

"That would have gravely offended me," Luke sighed as he thought back to those months after his return from Echo Lake. "You know for someone who was supposed to be void of any emotions I was pretty sensitive wasn't I?"

"Well I remember every time you started to feel something you had a headache. You're constant headaches and the way you reacted when I told you your parents said you were in rehab really had me curious. And when you reacted badly to your mom not blaming you for her fall I really started getting suspicious. I can't even begin to tell you how amazing it is that I can sit here and talk to you about this now."

"I remember that now," Luke said his expression thoughtful. "We were having lunch right? I was apologizing for her falling…which inevitably caused this whole mess."

"Something like that," Noah replied. "You kept saying that she had to have blamed you. Otherwise it was all for nothing."

Luke sighed and pursed his lips. This all seemed so long ago now. "That happened almost two years ago," he remarked as he ran his fingers through his hair, allowing his hand to sit there momentarily as he thought back to what caused him to leave Oakdale for Echo Lake. "I had just come out to my parents, two months prior and, Mom didn't handle the news very well. She was highly upset…I remember that hurt my feelings greatly."

"How did she end up tumbling down the stairs?" Noah asked, placing a hand on Luke's knee to stop it from jumping. Luke lowered his hand from his hair and focused on Noah, he wasn't sure if it was the hand on his leg or the soothing gaze, but he was able to relax just a little.

Damian and my mom wanted me to go to Echo Lake because they thought I needed to get away for awhile. I knew what they were really trying to do, and Damian had me convinced that it was Mom's idea. You see Mom was upset with me, and Damian was the only one who seemed to care about me at all. I was arguing with Dad all the time, and I even started wondering if he loved me at all."

"You have a lot of insecurities don't you?" He could see the answer in Luke's eyes and he squeezed his knee reassuringly. "You felt like coming out may have been the wrong decision to make…because it only seemed to cause a lot of pain. And at least before you believed your mom loved you. Does that sound about right, Luke?"

"Yes," Luke said awed by Noah's ability to know him so well. "That's it exactly. "I felt like I made things worse instead of better."

"So…Damian seems to be the common denominator in all of this," Noah mused softly. "He's the one who told you your dad wanted you to go right?" He waited for Luke's nod before continuing with his thinking. "And he showed you a letter signed by your dad, I'm not surprised that you freaked."

"It was his handwriting," Luke sighed. "I'm wondering if Damian caught Dad at a moment when he was distracted…which is highly possible since Dad's number one priority was Mom and the baby."

"Your dad admitted he signed something," Noah admitted. "he said Damian told him that you were devastated about your Mom's fall and that you wanted to get help for your drinking problem. Your dad just wanted what was best for you."

"Yeah and Damian knew that. I just don't get it, Noah. I mean he went out of his way to make me feel like he was the only one who cared. And then he told me he was dying and he wanted me to come to Malta with him."

"And then somehow he convinced you that your dad wanted you to go to Echo Lake," Noah added. "It doesn't make much sense to me either."

"Did you ever find out if he was truly sick or not?"

"Actually I did," Noah said patting Luke's leg before he stood. "One sec let me go get the email for you." Luke watched Noah disappear into their bedroom, returning with the Laptop in his hands. He settled down on the couch and logged into his email account. Luke peeked at what he was doing, and noticed the email from Black Diamond that Noah was now opening.

"What is that?" he asked curiously. "Black Diamond?"

"One of my hacker friends," Noah explained as he scanned the email looking for the invo he sought. "I guess he's more of an acquaintance but we used to do a lot of breaking and entering over the World Wide Web."

"I didn't know you were such a bad boy," Luke teased.

"I had my moments," Noah chuckled. He frowned and turned the computer to Luke so he could see clearly. "There you go, the results of Damian's medical records. He is definitely not dying, and he wasn't sick when you left."

Luke read the email over three times before closing the computer and handing it back to Noah. Noah couldn't read the expression on Luke's face and it worried him. He was even more concerned when Luke stood and walked towards the bedroom. Noah followed him with his eyes and jumped when he heard the door slam. The silence was deafening after the noise and Noah waited with baited breath to see what would happen next.

Luke returned to the living room what felt like hours later and settled back on the couch. He looked like he'd been crying, but Noah had a feeling he would deny it if he was called on it. He came to Noah almost as soon as Noah opened his arms to him and he held on tight, his chin resting on Noah's shoulder. "I'm okay, Noah," he sniffed. "I'm going to be fine."

_June 15, 2008_

_I think Luke is taking Damian's betrayal a lot harder then he wants to let on. I can't say that I blame him though. It has to be an awful thing to know that your parent went through so much trouble to deceive you, and not only that, but managed to cause so much hurt and frustration in the process. I knew I didn't trust Damian from the start, there was just something about the guy that I didn't like. I don't even want to think about what would have happened if Luke hadn't of been in the hospital. After all this was the guy insisting that his child undergoes brain surgery. I just don't understand how he could want that so easily. That's not a simple surgery. So many things could go wrong, and yet he's trying to find Luke so that he can put him under the knife. And I thought my father was bad._

_Actually its okay that Luke is keeping to himself a little. I think that may be a trait he picked up from Holden. Sometimes Holden would excuse himself when things were just a bit overwhelming for him. I do the same thing sometimes myself. It's healthy though, especially since for the longest time now Luke had been leaning heavily on me. He's starting to realize that it's okay to stand on his own two feet. It's okay to be alone sometimes, as long as you know that someone is there for you when you need it._

_Besides his need to be alone sometimes Luke is doing exceptionally well. We have settled into a nice routine over the past couple of weeks. We wake up, take a jog around the property and then come home for breakfast and a shower. During the day we talk or read, and make plans for the future. Luke is still writing in his journal and I try to keep up with mine too. I feel that the day is coming soon when we will face the Damian issue head on. Luke and I talk about it a lot. We talk about the fact that there are a lot of people he needs to connect with, and even more whom he needs to learn to trust again._

_Aaron is on the list of people he needs to learn to trust. I think the fact that he knows that is a very big deal. He understands now why Aaron may have felt compelled to do what he did. He doesn't like it, and he doesn't know if he will ever fully trust him…but he understands it. That is what they call a start._

_Personally I think Aaron was being a jerk, and he needs to apologize to Luke. I'm thinking of telling Luke how I really feel. I'm sure he would appreciate me talking to him instead of telling him what I think he wants to hear. Besides we've always been completely honest with each other, and I firmly believe that before he forgives him Luke needs to let Aaron know just how he made him feel._

_I need to change the subject though. I guess that thing pisses me off more than I allow myself to realize. I've never had a big brother, and I always wanted one. Sammy was the closest thing I had to someone older whom I could look up to, and he betrayed me. That's why what Aaron did to Luke gets to me so much. I know how much Luke loves Aaron; the betrayal had to hurt._

_Lately our favorite activity seems to be cuddling. Whether we are watching a movie or reading a comic book we always find a way to be in each other's personal space. Luke will rest his head on my shoulder or my lap, and sometimes I would find myself as the recipient of the warm embrace. Being this close to him feels so natural, and when he's not here with me I feel just a little lost. Luke just has that effect on me._

_He's calling me now to watch a movie so I have to cut this short. He says he has been thinking a lot about his other fears, and I have a feeling he's gearing up to tell me something huge. When I know I'll write it in here, but I have to go now.._

_June 20, 2008_

_I told Noah there was nothing to worry about, but somehow I doubt he actually believes me. It's not because he doesn't trust my word. It's more because he knows me better than I think he does. Truthfully, I am trying to be okay. It's hard when I feel like the world as I knew it is unraveling right before my eyes. It's crazy too, because nothing makes any sense. Well, okay so that's not completely true. Noah makes sense. He's the one constant in this world of uncertainty. And yes I am well aware that that sounds like something right out of one of Noah's movies. In fact I think it just might be. It is true though, Trusting Noah, believing him, it's the one thing I've been sure of since the day I met him. And I don't even know why._

_Or perhaps I do. I think it's because there were no expectations from him. He was just a guy who lived in my parents' home. Sure I was afraid that he was taking my place, but that fear was born of insecurity and fear of abandonment. I don't think many people get that I feel alone. Even with my big family I feel like an outsider. Is that even remotely possible? To be loved by so many but feel loved by so many and yet still feel all alone?_

_I don't feel that way with Noah though. I think we'll have to have another talk about this Sometimes I feel like all we do is talk, but then I love doing it with him. I love doing anything and everything with Noah, and if I didn't feel like it would be a threat to our independence I would spend every waking moment of every single day with him. But for my sanity and his I am learning that some quiet time is warranted and needed._

_Still it makes me smile every time I walk into a room and his eyes light up because he's happy to see me. That's the best feeling and I don't think I will ever tire of it. Maybe my Dad is right about absence making the heart grow fonder. It seems to work for Noah and me. Noah is a lot like my dad when it comes to his emotions. I would like to think that I am the same way, but I know for a fact that Noah is. He will sit by himself and be sad for a few minutes and then after he's made peace in his own mind he will let me in._

_I have a confession to make. I am very scared right now and part of me doesn't want to burden Noah with why, even though my first impuse is to go tell him what frightens me. I think it's just the fact that I know I am down to my biggest fears. These are things I need to face, but I haven't yet gotten up the courage to do so. Is that strange? I've been doing so well so far. I can do this…I know I can. I want to, but these last fears are big ones to me._

_There are only a few of them. I'm scared of hospitals…even though I have been in them a few times now since…well since I came home, and Noah was in the hospital that one time and I went with him but the thought of walking back into Memorial Hospital frightens me more than I can describe. Maybe it's the fear that somehow Damian and my mom are lurking behind the corner with a nurse who wants to stick me with a syringe. IIT could be the fact that they want me to have brain surgery that I don't need. What if they still think I need it? What if something goes wrong and…and I'm not going to finish that thought, and I am afraid to tell Noah. I need one of us not to be scared_

_He jumped when a hand touched his shoulder and he turned to see Noah looking down at him with concern in his eyes. "I didn't mean to startle you," he said taking the seat beside Luke. "Are you okay?"_

Luke looked down at the entry he had been writing and then faced his boyfriend head on. "We need to talk."

"Sounds serious," Noah commented his frown deepening as he continued to stare at his boyfriend. "It's not bad news is it?"

"That depends on your definition of bad," Luke sighed. "Maybe unsettling is the better word…or maybe I'm just overreacting. I do that sometimes."

"Why don't you tell me what's bothering you?" Noah's voice was gentle and soothing. It always amazed Luke just how patient Noah could be with him.

"A lot of things," he replied his voice soft as he focused on his journal again. He closed the book and placed the pen on top before picking iit up again to play with it. He twirled the instrument between his fingers for a few minutes before he felt Noah's hand urging him to stop.

"Talk to me."

"What if this doesn't work?" Luke asked hitting Noah head on with his intense gaze. "What if Mom and Damian find us and they make me have that operation anyway? What if everything you did gets you in to so much trouble and they take you away from me? Noah what if this doesn't work?"

It didn't take a rocket scientist to realize that Luke was really freaked out. Every single question he asked was something Noah had thought of too. HE knew the risks, but they were well worth it in the end. Luke was worth it all. "Luke, no one is going to take me away from you, okay? You have to trust me on that one. I won't let anything happen to you, even if your parents find us. They aren't going to hurt you."

"How do you know?" Luke asked mournfully. "You risked a lot helping me Noah. I just don't want Damian to hurt you."

Noah sighed and took Luke's hands into his. "Honestly, the possibility of something going wrong does scare me too, Luke. I think about it all the time, but we have faith on our side, and love. I know we have to expect anything where Damian is concerned, but I'm prepared to face anything, as long as I get to be with you at the end."

"Promise?" Luke asked sounding younger than his nineteen years."

"Yes, Luke. I promise. We're going to get through this, and you are going to be okay."

_June 22, 2008_

_Noah thinks I should make Aaron earn my trust again. And he doesn't think I should forgive him right away. I'm actually glad he talked to me about it. I wanted to make the right decision, and Noah said that while it is noble to want to forgive him, Aaron needs to apologize to me first. It was very interesting to hear my calm even tempered Noah going off the handle again. I mean I have seen him upset, but he really ripped into Aaron. And Honestly I can't say that I blame him. Aaron said some awful things to Noah all those months ago, and it's his fault that Noah was hurt. He wasn't driving the car, but he's the reason Noah ran out._

_And the thing is Noah isn't sore about that. He doesn't blame Aaron for the accident, he just cares that Aaron hurt me. I love him for that, and truthfully I love my brother. That's why the betrayal stings so much. It's like him doing that reinforced the belief that my family would betray me at every turn. IT was an irrational fear, and Noah and Dad were trying to help me overcome it. Abby was doing her part as well, but then we had to run again and I feel like I had to rework my opinions about that._

_Then again I have had more good experiences than bad. My Dad and Abby both went out of their way to help me a lot. And now Grandma Emma and Grandma Lucinda haven't let me down either. I have been with my family for the past month and things are going good._

_Even with everything going on I think that Noah and I are finally on the same page. We are equals in our relationship, and I love that. I feel comfortable being me, and I know Noah isn't going to judge me. HE knows I won't judge him either. I think that is why we work so well together. We understand and we care. Noah has taught me a lot about myself in the past year, and I would like to think that I have done the same for him. I am a lot stronger than I was when I came home…and even more confident then when I left for Echo Lake in the first place. I feel more like who I was before I realized I was different. And now I know it's okay to be me. I am Luke and being gay is only a small part of who I am. That has to be the best lesson that Noah has ever taught me…next to the one about love that is._

_June 25, 2008_

_Luke made a big decision today, and I have to admit that I am proud of him for it. I never thought I would see the day that Luke would want to go to a hospital voluntarily for any reason. So imagine my shock when he told me that we needed to make a trip to Memorial. When I asked him why, my boyfriend explained that if we were going to prove to Damian and his mom that he didn't need brain surgery then we needed more than just our documented proof. And he's right about that. We should have a physician sign off on it as well. Luke is very healthy. His kidney isn't even giving him much trouble. He takes his medicine religiously and we try to stay fit, all the while satisfying our large appetites._

_Anyway, my point is that Dr. Hughes will be able to see that Luke is indeed cognizant and very aware of what he is doing and saying. He can make his own decisions, and he knows what he wants and what he needs. There is nothing wrong with his brain, and I hope that Dr. Hughes will be on our side with that. I wonder too if Dr. Hamilton is still there. That guy gave me the creeps. I don't particularly like hospitals myself, but as I have said before if Luke needs me to do this then I am there. When Luke was in the hospital for all that time I was there because I wanted to be. He helped me not to mind hospitals, so now it's my turn to return the favor._

_We decided that the best idea would be for him to call his friend Casey to talk to his grandfather. It may be just a little too risky to go into the hospital for the tests. Luke is supposed to call today. He is pretty excited about that. He hasn't talked to him in a very long time, and at one point they were really lose. I hoped for Luke's sake that he could reclaim his friendship with Casey. The more people he was surrounded by the better._

"Noah," Luke called even as he entered the kitchen. Noah looked up from his journal and smiled at his boyfriend.

"How did the phone call go? Did you get to talk to Casey?"

"Yes. He wants to see me, but I told him I would have to come to him. And he said he would gladly get in touch with Dr. Hughes for me, and he can set it up so that we have an appointment. His grandfather will be shocked to see me instead of him, but that will be okay."

"Well," Noah said smiling. "I can't wait to meet Casey then. He was already gone when I got here, though I definitely heard about him."

"People are too hard on Casey," Luke said taking a seat across from him. "He "screwed up" a lot and so no one will give him a chance."

"Well you seem willing to do that," Noah pointed out. "I'm sure Casey will be just as happy to see you as you are to see him."

"I hope so," Luke admitted softly. "I'm just a little nervous about this. Even though I shouldn't be, you know? It's Casey, and I've known him my whole life."

"His mom is the police chief right?" Noah inquired recalling what little he knew about everyone in this town."

"Yes and his dad is the District Attorney."

"Wow, that's a lot to deal with," Noah commented his expression thoughtful. "There's always a standard you have to live up to when your parents are figures of authority. I learned that from living with the Colonel. It's not always easy."

"I think you and Casey will get along just fine then. It's the same when your parents are highly respected in the community too. I try not to be defined by who my parents are and who my grandmother is, but sometimes that's the first thing people think of when you do something wrong. It's not really right, and it's a lot of pressure to put on someone's shoulders."

Noah just nodded as he took Luke's hand into his. That statement was all too true and it reminded him that despite obvious differences he and Luke were actually a lot alike. "Should I dye you're hair again just in case?" he asked a moment later.

"Well I guess since we're going to the hospital that would be a good idea." Luke said thoughtfully. "I wouldn't mind making it a little harder for Bob to recognize me."

"And Casey for that matter. We haven't really been in public much with your natural hair, so we should continue coloring it until your parents resurface."

"What color should we go with this time?"

"Are you tired of the brown?" Noah teased.

"I'm up for something different," Luke shrugged.

"Okay, what about red?"

"Like a clown?" Luke wrinkled his nose. That's too loud."

"NO," Noah chuckled. I was thinking more like auburn. I think that would look good on you. It will bring out the green flecks in your eyes."

"Hmmm, I think I can go with auburn. If you're sure it will look nice."

"You know Lucille Ball was a very classy red-head."

"My friend Will had the reddest hair when we were kids," Luke remembered fondly. "And freckles."

"Like little orphan Annie."

"Now you're being silly," Luke laughed. "Pippi Longstocking comes to mind too."

"Pippi Longstocking!" Noah laughed. "Wow, Snyder I think you just made my day. I haven't heard that one since I was a kid sneaking books in the library on base."

"You have a great laugh," Luke commented a smile on his face. "I want to hear it more often."

"It's a deal," Noah nodded. "But come on, for now we have to dye your hair."

Luke ran his fingers through his red hair and sighed as he sat beside Noah in the examination room. The nurse had checked his height, his weight and his blood pressure and now he was waiting to see Dr. Hughes. He was actually a little nervous about seeing him again. Things had been very different the last time he was in this hospital. He had been different, and he hoped that Bob, who had been his doctor for years, could tell that he was indeed better. He hated that word, but it was the only one that seemed to work. His mom and Damian thought he was sick. That fact still hurt more than anything since the implications of the word ran far deeper than physical health.

"Sorry I'm late, Casey. Rounds took longer than I expected. Luke looked up as the good doctor entered the room, his back still turned to them. He glanced at Noah who was also watching, waiting for the moment when Bob turned around to see them there. "I didn't realize it was time for your physical young man. Are you taking good care of-"

His words cut off as his eyes came face to face with two pairs, neither of which belonged to his grandson. One of the young men he recognized on sight. It was Noah Mayer, the young man who had worked for Kim when he was here. He had also become close with Luke, and he had helped Holden whisk Luke away from the hospital that night so long ago. He was sitting there now holding hands with the kid with auburn hair, who looked like he was holding his breath waiting for something. Bob closed the examination room door and locked it for privacy before facing them again.

"Noah," he whispered focusing on the taller man. "What are you doing here? Where's Luke?"

"I'm right here, Dr. Hughes," Luke spoke up, pleased that his disguise had caught the doctor off guard. He smiled a smile he knew the doctor would recall complete with dimples. "Don't you recognize me?"

Bob looked at the redhead curiously, a twinkle in his blue eyes as recognition sank in. He knew that smile, and now that he actually looked at him it was clear that this was the kid he had watched grow up from infancy. "Well now," he said crossing his arms in front of him. "What do you have to say for yourself young man? How long have you been in Oakdale?"

"Is that you're way of saying you're happy to see me sir?"

"Indeed it is, Luke. Indeed it is. You look good. I trust you have been taking care of yourself."

"Noah has been really good to me," Luke acknowledged. "I had the flu in January, but I've been healthy ever since."

"You definitely sound a lot better than when I last saw you," Dr Hughes commented as he leaned against his desk.

"Funny you should say that, Sir because that's why we're here," Noah spoke up. "Luke has something he needs to ask you."

"Okay. Let's hear it son. What's on your mind?"

"Well," Luke said pushing his hair out of his face, "I'm thinking that mom and Damian are going to find their way back here eventually and I want to be ready for them. I have a bad feeling that they aren't going to let up on this surgery thing, but maybe they would reconsider if they realized I was truly okay."

"Well I don't want to put you through all those tests again, Luke. You didn't handle those well last time, and from what I can tell you seem pretty healthy and happy since you left here."

"I am, sir. Very much so. I think…I think Noah was right. I just needed a chance to heal and I'm okay."

"Do Lily and Damian have any idea that Noah is with you?" He asked curiously.

"No…the letter Noah left for Damian seemed to work very well. They think I'm on my own."

"And it hasn't occurred to them that you must be okay if you managed to stay away from them?" Bob mused.

"One would think," Noah mumbled under his breath. Luke frowned at him momentarily before focusing on Bob again.

"I honestly think they have convinced themselves that I am really sick. I can't explain what happened last year, except that it was the effects of being at Echo Lake and trying to deal with everything being back home. I am fine, and more than capable of making decisions for myself. I know who I am Dr. Hughes, and I want to be able to be here in my home."

"May I?" Bob asked holding his hand up for Luke to see. He nodded and relaxed as the doctor's hand rested on his shoulder. "You are a very impressionable young man, Luke. I have greatly enjoyed watching you grow up, and believe that you out of all Casey's friends may have had the best influence on him. I have to say I'm proud of you, son. It is very clear to me that you know what you are doing; you know what you want and who you are. I'll do what I can to back you up when your parents return."

"Dr. Hamilton isn't still here is he?" Noah pondered."

"No, we sent him packing not too long after you left. No one is going to force you to have surgery, Luke. We won't allow it."

Before Luke could react there was a knock on the exam room door. Luke looked at Noah before glancing at Bob wondering what they were to do now. Bob held up his finger and went to the door, his hand on the doorknob as he spoke.

"Yes?"

"Granddad it's me," Casey's voice sounded out of breath but Luke would recognize it anywhere. "Can I come in please?"

Bob unlocked the door and stepped back just in time for the door to be thrust open. He walked in and closed the door behind him looking around for his friend but he only saw a redhead who looked vaguely familiar and a brunet that didn't look familiar at all.

"Wasn't Luke supposed to be here?" he whispered to his grandfather as he eyeballed the two strangers in the room. One of them, the redhead was looking at him with a smirk that he knew he recognized from somewhere.

"He is here," Bob said matter-of-factly. Casey frowned and looked closely at the pair. There were green eyes, and there were blue ones…not the classic brown he was used to when it came to Luke. But then again there was that smirk and there was a gleam in that gaze that spoke of much mischief. HE knew that graze very well.

"Oh my god, it's you?" he said moving closer to get a better look. "Luke?" he asked cautiously.

"Are you going to stare or are you going to tell me you're happy to see me?" Luke asked his smile growing as he looked at his friend. Noah just sat back and watched the reunion a smile playing on his lips as well.

"What did you do to your hair?" Casey exclaimed even as he pulled the unsuspecting Luke out of the chair and crushed him to him. Much to Noah's surprise as well as his own, Luke hugged his friend back and laughed as his head rested on Casey's shoulder.

"You haven't seen me in two years and the first thing you ask is what did I do to my hair? You crack me up, Hughes."

Casey pulled back before pulling him into another bone crushing hug. "Casey back off before you hurt him," Noah said though there was no sign of malice in his voice as he watched in amazement as his boyfriend relaxed in the embrace.

"You must be Noah," Casey said pulling away from Luke long enough to give the other man a once over. "It's nice to meet you. Luke said you've been taking care of him."

"Casey let me formally introduce you to my boyfriend," Luke said proudly. He slipped away from Casey completely and returned to his seat beside Noah. "Noah, this is one of my closest friends, and judging from the hug I think I can still count on him."

Noah reached out his hand to shake Casey's only to find himself wrapped into a big bear hug. "Thank you for taking such good care of my friend." He said squeezing him tightly.

"Can't breathe," Noah managed to blurt out as he patted Casey on the back."

"Oh sorry dude," Casey said letting him go. He clapped Noah on the shoulder and smiled at him.

"It's okay. Any friend of Luke's is a friend of mine."

"Is he treating you good, Luke? I don't have to have the talk with him do I?"

"No," Luke laughed at his friend. He had missed how protective he could be. "Noah's the best, Casey. No best friend talks necessary. Though I bet Noah will want to have a talk with you."

"Casey we were in the middle of something, Son. Would you mind waiting for a few minutes?"

"Oh, yeah sure. Sorry for the interruption, I just couldn't wait any longer. I'll be right outside."

Bob waited until his grandson was gone before turning back to Luke and Noah. "Now as I was saying, Luke, I think you are more than capable of making your own decisions. I will happily write up a report stating as much. Feel free to call me at any time, and let me know how I can help. In the meantime I think my grandson is bouncing off the walls. Go out, have some fun and welcome back."

_June 26, 2008_

_We just got back from hanging out with Casey, and I must say that it was just what Luke needed. Casey is by far the nicest guy I have met in a long time. Next to Luke of course. He is steadfast and loyal and very outspoken when it comes to the people he cares about. I was very pleased to know that Luke is indeed one of those people. In fact Casey seems to accept me as well, so that garners him another point in my book._

_We grabbed some deli meats and some salads from the supermarket and went to the park to have a picnic. Casey was very careful about not calling Luke by his name, and he entertained us with stories about old friends and the crazy antics he had been a part of since he came home. I don't think I have ever seen Luke laugh this much before. It was definitely nice to see. I mean we joke at home a lot, but this laughter it was different. It was that carefree I'm having fun with my friends type of laugh. It was very clear also that Luke and Casey admired each other greatly. I was really glad to see that time didn't diminish that._

_The only dark moment was when Casey inquired about another friend of theirs; Kevin. Luke's eyes got dark and I thought for a moment that I would have to step in and say something. Casey must have realized something was up too because he tried to change the subject. I even jumped on board trying in vain to get Luke's mind off of the bad things, but it seemed inevitable and Luke just lapsed into silence._

_It is moments like those that remind me that while Luke is almost back to his old self, he isn't quite there yet. Some things still haunt him and probably always will. I know he's trying not to let that be the case, but it will take some time before he's completely past it. Unfortunately this whole year has been about reversing what Echo Lake did to him. Once we're done with that Luke can cope with what happened before he was sent away._

_I made note of the fact that talking about Kevin made Luke frown, and vowed that I would never bring up the name to him. Luke said that he didn't think he would ever see Kevin again, and that was fine with him. I got the feeling that things went sour after Luke came out, and I was somewhat glad that the guy was not in Luke's life. The way I figured it, if he could turn away from Luke so easily then he wasn't truly his friend to begin with. That's sad though because I know that hurts Luke a lot since he apparently really cared for the guy._

_When Casey turned the conversation to their friend Will Luke cheered up and things went back to normal. I really am glad that we got to spend time with friends. I already feel like Casey is my friend as well and that is just from hanging out with him for one afternoon._

_When we came home I let Luke know that I was proud of him. He really took a huge step today. Walking through the hospital was surreal, since the last time I was there Holden and I were taking Luke out. I don't particularly like hospitals and I am not overtly fond of doctors. I know that is Luke's fear too, so it was interesting walking through the halls that we had seen far too much of last time. I felt like everyone was looking at us trying to figure out who we were and what was going on. Luke was looking around curiously and I could tell that he was still a little scared. He squeezed my hand tightly as we walked and only relaxed completely when we were in Dr. Hughes' office._

_Watching him talk with Dr. Hughes was nice. He really is a great doctor, and I imagine he's a wonderful father and I can tell he's an awesome grandfather. Casey seems to adore him, and you can tell that the feeling is mutual. Dr. Hughes knew all the right things to say to Luke today. He told him how proud he was of him, and made Luke feel good about himself. He also managed to ease my disdain for doctors just a little more. I wish all doctors were like Dr. Hughes. Then maybe so many people wouldn't be afraid of them._

_In any case the stage is set for a confrontation that will likely be better than anything I could ever conjure up in a movie. Luke is much stronger then he had been when he returned home last year, and if Lily and Damian can't see that then they truly just don't know their son as well as Holden seems to. I'm looking forward to seeing Luke face off with Damian, but at the same time the idea frightens me just a little. A lot could go wrong, but so much could go right and that is what I'm counting on. Whatever happens I'm going to be there with Luke 100% because that is what people do when they love each other._

_Speaking of which, he's waiting for me to come cuddle with him. It's been a long day, and Luke conquered a few fears and without trying helped me to do the same. I think we both deserve a cuddle…we've earned it.__  
__***_

_July 4, 2008_

_Happy Independence Day! The day is actually just about over but Noah and I have a lot to celebrate…and most of it has nothing to do with the birthday of our country. Tonight we celebrated an independence of a different type. And if you ask me the fireworks were much better than those going off outside._

_Luke and I decided to write this entry together, in the same notebook. Truthfully I don't think either one of us wants to move from where we are…and I know I don't mind one bit. It has been an incredible day and it was capped off with another night I won't soon forget. Yeah…I seem to have a lot of those, and all of them pretty much have to do with Luke. Tonight Luke reached a new level of independence. He broke away from the chains that were still holding him hostage and put the past behind him where it belongs. He made his own decisions, and in doing so gave me a gift I will never take for granted._

_It all started with the 4th of July picnic at the farm. Grandma Emma hosts the party every year, and I was happy to be a part of it. It was nice to be there surrounded by my family and all of our friends. For the first time in a long time I felt at ease, and at home. I think Noah's presence had a lot to do with that, but there were moments when we weren't by each other's side. Those were the real tests, and Noah says I passed with flying colors. I was able to mingle and he says I exuded confidence._

_It was the first time we officially admitted to being a couple too. We held hands and shared looks and hugs as well as one very meaningful kiss after Emma's toast. I think we were so wrapped up in each other that we didn't realize everyone was watching us. They started clapping and Luke turned thirteen shades of red. I was sure my cheeks were stained as well. My cheeks definitely felt warm._

_We left before the fireworks display because I told Noah I wanted to be alone with him. We said our good byes and Grandma supplied us with containers of food to hold us over for a few days, and we headed back to the cabin. We made sure no one was following us at first. Even though it had been months we still didn't' want to take any chances. The ride home was very surreal for me. I realized something as I watched Noah in the mirror. His jaw was set, his eyes focused on the road as he maneuvered our car and I realized something._

_I realized that I loved this man. Yeah, that may seem like the stupidest statement ever, but it's the truth and it dawned on me that there was nothing I couldn't share with him. We were each other's safe haven, and even more importantly we're like anchors. We keep each other grounded, even when it would be so easy for us to drift away._

_Luke has such a way with words; it never ceases to amaze me. I can only hope that mine will be half as eloquent as his in explaining this. Luke was quiet for most of our drive home. It isn't completely unusual for him to go silent, we both tend to have those moments…but today I knew he was deep in thought. We didn't even really talk as we shared a plate of Cole Slaw. I spent most of the time just staring into his eyes as I tried to read his thoughts. I was just about to ask him what was up when he spoke, and he said three words that sent my heart racing. Yes I know its cliché…that's exactly how I felt._

_I said, "Noah, I'm ready," and I knew he understood. His eyes darkened into this deep shade of blue that I just adore. Noah's eyes are so expressive, and I have come to know what the different hues mean. When they look like ice it means he's angry and you don't want to be in his way. When they are bright and cerulean like it means he's happy. Seeing them glistening like diamonds is an added bonus but my favorite is when they get so dark that they are almost black. It means he loves me and that message was so very clear tonight when he took my hand and led me to our bedroom._

_I can't really describe making love to Luke, but I can tell you what it felt like to feel his skin beneath my fingers. I was nervous at first, just because I knew how huge this step was for him. I knew what he was giving up by allowing me to take him…and my sole purpose was not to cause him any pain. I just wanted to love him, and I did. I lavished kisses and tenderly caressed his skin, bruises, welts and all. Luke's body is amazing and if it's possible I think I fell even more in love with him._

_It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, but I think that's because Noah is a gentle lover. He kissed me, and I shivered at his touch. It was so gentle, and tender and so different from anything else I have ever experienced. There were no rough hands, and no foreign objects. There was just Noah treating me as if I was the most precious thing on earth…and to him I really was._

_Feeling Noah's hands and his lips on my skin felt exhilarating. I was in a place between Earth and Heaven…someone explain that phenomenon cause I truly can't. I just know that's what it felt like. Noah was taking me to places I had never been before, and with every kiss and every caress the fear began to subside._

_I cried as I kissed the scars on Luke's back. The tears fell on the welts that would never completely disappear, but the tears weren't necessarily sad ones. I love those welts because they are a part of him. I lavished attention on every battle scar and cherished every bruise because they were a part of Luke. I have learned that scars can tell a story. And they don't have to be as awful as they seem. If you hate the scars then the abuser wins, but if you love them, if you just embrace the wounds and move past them then you can leave the demons behind._

_That is what I wanted to do for Luke. I wanted him to love his body because I loved it. I wanted him to be proud of himself, because I am proud and that was why I cried._

_"I got sad when Noah cried, until he explained to me that the tears weren't necessarily sad. It made me happy to know that he thought I was beautiful. I don't think that is the right word really. I was over the moon and completely ready to lose myself in Noah. By the time he finished lavishing attention on me from head to toe, I was more than ready to feel him inside me. I wanted that ultimate closeness…I no longer feared it._

_I think my favorite part wasn't so much the joining of our bodies, but the sounds that Luke made as I prepared him for me. He has such expressive moans and I wanted to kiss him breathless every time he made a sound. His facial expressions were just as nice…Luke has a beautiful face. I can't quite describe what it was like to see those lips curled into a blissful smile as opposed to the anguished pain I had witnessed on more than one occasion from him. I was giving him pleasure and I just felt very powerful at that moment. It's something to know that you can do that for another man. Anything I was ever told about how wrong this was went out the window as I watched Luke enjoy it._

_I am afraid that cliché is in tonight. Being with Noah was single-handedly the best experience of my life so far. Being loved by him is incredible. Being held by him is even better. And even more than that feeling him inside me was just exquisite. I can admit I held my breath as he replaced his fingers with the real thing. I felt something when our bodies came together. It was like a click…that last puzzle piece falling into place and all was right with the world. Noah was so gentle and sweet as he moved and that's when I started to cry. It was so overwhelming, and Noah kissing my tears away as he thrust made me cry even harder._

_Luke's tears reminded me of saltwater Taffy, just the right amount of salt and the perfect amount of sugar. I kissed away his tears and told him once again how much I loved him. It wasn't just something to say in the heat of the moment. I meant every word. I have dreamed of making love to him, but I don't think the dreams did it justice. Joining with him in this way was magical and I don't think either of us is going to forget it any time soon._

_"We reached our climaxes together, and for some reason that made me proud. Noah collapsed on top of me and captured my lips for another glorious kiss. I think I could kiss him forever and be content. I really love this man and I just had to write all of this down. I feel like if I don't write it down I'm going to wake up tomorrow and realize it was a dream._

_Luke is afraid to wake up and realize that we didn't share this incredible night. That is part of the reason why we are recording it together. I can't say that I blame him. I told him that this night would be etched in our brains for all eternity, and now it's written in ink forever too. He's yawing now as I write this and I think it's time for the entry to end. I just want to say that I love Luke more than words could ever express. He is everything to me…my lifeline and tonight I did far more than just tell him how I felt. I showed him._

_I'm ready to snuggle down in Noah's arms so he can keep me warm. It's funny really to feel that way when it's sweltering hot outside. But I can't help it, I want to be in Noah's arms all the time and now I know there's nothing wrong with that. I feel infinite and it is the best feeling in the world.__  
__***_

He was relaxing on the couch when he thought he heard a familiar voice. He looked up from the journal entry he was reading, and grabbed for the remote control sitting on the table. His eyes widened when he saw the face on the screen. He was frozen as he listened, hearing every word loud and clear despite the fact that he hadn't touched the volume control on the remote.

He jumped when a hand touched his shoulder and turned to find a pair of concerned blue eyes staring at him. He peered at the television one last time before reaching for the phone beside him. Standing he faced his boyfriend matching his serious expression with one of his own. "It's time," he said handing over the phone. "You have to call my mom and tell her you know where I am."


	37. Chapter 37

Lily hung up the phone and placed it in her pocket. Noah's words rolled around in her head and she frowned. Part of her wanted to be angry at the young man. Who did he think he was talking to her that way? She was certain that he had a little more respect than that. On the other hand though, she couldn't help but think that he was on to something. Surely there would have been word about Luke by now if he weren't capable of taking care of himself. Was this brain surgery really necessary?

She tried to think about all the reasons the surgery had been necessary almost a year ago. There had been swelling on his brain. He was having headaches and there was a lot of memory loss. Noah and Holden both had insisted that the surgery wasn't needed, but Damian thought they should do it. She had been so worried about Luke…so concerned for his well-being that she had closed her ears to what He may have wanted.

She had a right to worry…this was her baby, her first born, and she only wanted what was best for him. When he had collapsed at lunch that day she had been so scared. Then he lapsed into a coma…and then he went through all those tests. Just thinking about it made her frown. If she could find him she would not push for the surgery. She only wanted Luke to be okay…she wanted her baby to be the man he was meant to be. That was why the surgery was important…right?

"Did you have any luck, Cara?" Damian's voice drew her out of her thoughts and she turned to face him a frown set on her face.

"I called Noah. He is going to keep an eye out for Luke. I sincerely doubt Luke would know where to find him though. I mean we don't even know where Noah went after you sent him away."

"I didn't send him away. He left."

"He left, and Luke disappeared. You might as well have been the one to send him out of town. You never liked him," Lily countered. If anything happened to my son, I am holding you responsible, Damian."

"IF anything happens to our son, it will be the fault of that husband of yours. Taking him out the hospital like that. What was he thinking Lily?"

He may have been the only one thinking about Luke," Lily countered her thoughts once again focusing on what Noah had said to her on the phone. If they wanted Luke to stop running, perhaps they needed to give him what he wanted. Even if in the end they did the surgery anyway…at least they would have made sure everything went smoothly. Luke would thank them for this later. "Where's our next step?" she asked focusing her full attention on Damian who was sipping on a cup of coffee.

"We continue to head west until we find him, Cara. There is a whole country left to explore."

"You can't be serious, Damian," Lily sighed running a frustrated hand through her hair. "I don't think this is the way to look for him. We've been at this for four months now. I'm starting to wonder if Luke even needs to be found. Maybe we need to rethink this."

"Cara, we need to think about Luke here. He could be anywhere totally confused waiting for us to locate him. Do you want to let him down again?"

"No, of course not. I just don't know what to do, Damian. This isn't working. No one has seen him, and we keep hitting dead ends."

"I'm sure we will find him soon. At some point he will have to slow down, and once he does we will get him the help he needs. "

"I'll give you another month," Lily decided after a moment's thought. "If we haven't found him by his birthday then we will do things my way."

"Which would be what exactly?" Damian inquired. Lily rolled her eyes at his bored tone and shook her head at him.

"I think wherever Luke is he is very resourceful. And the thing is we need to get him to come to us. He needs to know that what we are doing is for his own good…so maybe we need to make a television appeal for him. He is always watching television, so he could catch the commercial."

"That's not a bad idea, except that Luke thinks we want to harm him. He's not going to call us on his own. That would be a waste of time that we don't' have."

'It's been four months, Damian," Lily pointed out. "Thank god there haven't been any reports of Luke's death… I would know if he was gone."

"Don't stress yourself out," Damian rested his hands on Lily's shoulders. "Our son will be found and we will make him better. I just hope that your husband didn't do much damage."

"Holden wouldn't do anything to hurt Luke," Lily insisted. She knew that much about her husband and she missed him. She missed her children and part of her wished she could be back at home with them. Ethan was still a baby and it made her heart ache to be so far away from him this long. But Luke was her baby too, and her first priority had to be him. She had so much to make up for with him…she just wanted him to be her little boy again.

"If it weren't for Holden we wouldn't be in this mess," Damian snapped once again pulling Lily out of her thoughts. "Now come on, we have a plane to catch. My sources say there is a lead in Texas, the Lubbock area."

Damien turned and walked ahead, leaving Lily no choice but to follow. She rolled her eyes again and allowed her mind to drift back to the conversation she had with Noah. That young man had made a lot of sense, and Lily found she actually missed him. He had been the only one who would listen to Luke, the one who seemed to understand him. Was he right? Should she listen more? She thought about it more as she and Damian boarded the plane. By the time they were flying amongst the clouds she was really starting to think that following Damian was not the smartest idea.

For what seemed like the umpteenth time Lily peeked into the window trying to see what was going on inside the precinct. She didn't understand why Damian had insisted she wait out there in the sweltering heat. Their initial lead in Texas had been a bust. The only thing they found out was that their son seemed to have a lot of doppelgangers. In all actuality Lily didn't think Luke had ever set foot in the Lone Star state. She was willing to bet that her son was nowhere near where they were looking for him, and she was certain they would find him if Damian would just listen to her for a minute. It was June now, and she had an idea that she wanted to implement.

Obviously trekking across America was not the way to go. It was possible that wherever Luke was he wasn't going to be hiding in plain sight. They needed to lure him, and the best way to do that was to use the power of the airwaves and the internet. If they made a TV appearance then he surely would see how worried they were about him. It was possible after all that Noah was correct. He had been the one who knew Luke best, and Lily was considering getting him involved with this too. She wondered if that would be possible. Anything had to be better than this.

Are you ready Cara?" Damian's voice startled her, and she turned, wondering when he had come out and how she had missed him.

"We need to talk," she said, taking his hand to pull him away from the police station. She waited until they were safely inside their air conditioned car before turning to him with a serious expression on her face. "Okay, Damian, we have done this your way for months now. We're not getting anywhere, and the longer we take to tour the entire country, the long Luke is going to be without supervision. We have to find him and I think I have an idea."

"What is it, Cara?" Damian asked seeming not too amused that Lily was trying to take control. He knew what needed to be done to find their son, and if she just stopped interfering he was certain they would make some headway.

"Don't take that tone of voice with me," Lily said crossly. "We have been in Texas for months now, and I don't think Luke is here. I don't think he has ever been here and it's just a waste of time to keep looking. Luke is not going to just appear out of thin air, Damian. We have to lure him out. I think we need to use some of my connections and make a plea for Luke's safe return. We'll appeal to Luke and he'll come to us. It's the only way, Damian."

"I just don't understand why you want to waste the time when we could be covering more ground," Damian argued."

"You want to find him don't you?" Lily asked crossing her arms as she looked at her ex-husband. "I think we're wasting precious time right now arguing about it. Let's just do it my way for a change. We'll see what happens. And if Luke isn't found then we can continue the search. But the fact is Damian, we've looked, and we have people looking and there has been no luck. Let's try something different. We won't know unless we try right?"

Damian bit back his retort and smiled encouragingly at his ex-wife. It wouldn't hurt to give her plan a try. He had to admit it had merit. If they put out a public plea to Luke he would think that they were willing to listen. And if that worked they would have him right where they wanted. Sure, he would feel a little betrayed but the ends justified the means this time. Luciano needed their help it was as simple as that.

"You're absolutely right, Cara. We should try anything if it will get Luciano back to us. Just tell me what we need to do and we'll put things In motion."

Lily hid a smile and nodded as she worked through her plan in her head. All she needed to do was place a phone call to Kim, and she would have cameras and a crew at her disposal. Of course that would take a few days to get set up, but she was certain that this would work. Luke just needed to know how much they missed him. They only wanted what was best for him after all, and he would be much better off if he just let them help him. She was certain he was scared, and even still she thought about what Noah had said. Could he be right about this? Were they going about things the wrong way?

Damian's hand on her shoulder pulled her out of her thoughts and she realized the car had come to a stop. She nodded in response to Damian's concern and followed him into the hotel. A quick call to Kim told her all she needed to know and she looked at Damian with a satisfied smile on her face as he handed her a glass of wine.

"We'll have everything we need in a few days," she said taking a sip of her drink. "I just hope this works. What if Luke is with someone who isn't treating him right, Damian? He really shouldn't be alone in his condition."

"Don't worry, Cara. Luciano is our son, which means he is strong and can take whatever is thrown at him. We will find him and we will get him the help he needs."

Lily turned her head and rolled her eyes as she sipped on more wine. Her ex-husband was a mass of contradictions, and she was really starting to wonder if he truly had Luke's best interests at heart. She wanted to find her son, and when she did she was going to talk to him. Only Luke could tell her how he was feeling. She just hoped she could find him before it was too late.

The TV spots were set to air at the beginning of July. Lily and Damian made their way north heading back to the Midwest. Lily insisted that they needed to be close to Oakdale, she had a feeling that if Luke would go anywhere he'd come close to home. She didn't know why, but she had a feeling that this was where they needed to be.

As she and Damian watched the fireworks she wondered what her son was doing at that moment. Was he looking out at the night sky watching the explosion of colors? Was he thinking about his family, missing them? Missing her? The fourth of July was his favorite holiday, she remembered that and it made her smile. He used to love watching the fireworks, and when he was a toddler he'd sit on her lap and clap his hands whenever the colors burst in the sky. She could remember him calling out the colors and the wonderment in his eyes…she missed her little boy.

Of course, he wasn't a little boy anymore. That was a fact that became apparent with each passing day. She could remember sitting in the hospital watching him fight for his life while they tried to find a kidney for him. She remembered his rebellion caused by her and his father. It made her frown to think that she and Holden had caused him so much grief with their relationship problems.

When Damian moved to comfort her she pulled away and stood moving a few paces away to stare up at the night sky. It was a clear night, perfect for the frequent bursts of color that permeated the sky. There was so much she needed to make up for where Luke was concerned. She realized now that she had done something wrong, though she wasn't quite sure what. Where had she gone wrong? Here she was away from her kids, and her family…and for what?

Sadly Faith and Natalie were used to her taking off on a whim. But her baby, her Ethan, was about to turn two and she wasn't there. There was no excuse for that and she was certain that even Luke would ream her out about it. That thought made her smile. She would take a lashing from Luke over this uncertainty any day. Her sweet outspoken boy, who had such a good head on his shoulders. She was proud of him, and she didn't think she told him that enough. She would, if and when they found him. She just wanted to take him into her arms and never let go.

Of course she knew there was something else she needed to do as well. They had not parted on good terms; he was already gone when she came out of her coma. And when he had returned home in July so much happened…and now here they were a year later and she felt like she didn't understand what was going on with her own kid. She wanted to go back to that day in the hospital, to the day when he had revealed to Noah that he had been sent to Echo Lake.

Lily wanted to cry just thinking of what her son must have endured there. As she hugged herself she looked up at the sky again and hoped that he was somewhere safe. She hoped he would watch the TV spot and she hoped he would listen to her words and see that she only wanted him to be happy. She needed to tell him that she loved him. She wanted to hold him. She just wanted her little boy back, and she didn't care if he liked boys.

She heard Damian call her name, and she wiped at a stray tear before turning to face him a smile on her face. She was ready to get some sleep. The day had been exhausting, and a part of her wanted to reach out to Holden. She missed him too, he had always been her rock, her means of support and she was sorry that she hadn't trusted his instincts. After all he knew Luke better than all of them. He had raised Luke, sometimes on his own when her world was less than perfect. Noah was right; Holden was Luke's only reliable parent and she had misjudged him greatly. She knew now that she should have trusted his judgment and she would tell him that…tomorrow.

Tonight she went to her room, and said a prayer for her son. She hoped that she would be reunited with him soon, so she could make up for the time they had lost. They would never get it back, but he needed to know that she loved him and supported him. More importantly he needed to know she believed in him.

Damian was on a call when the phone rang, distracting Lily from listening. She sighed and picked up the phone, answering it without looking at the display. "Hello?"

"Are you alone?"

"No," she said glancing at her ex-husband before getting up to move outside.

"Don't say my name…I need you to listen to me, but just you, okay?" The voice said even as she leaned against the wall outside her hotel room.

"Yes, I understand. What can I do for you?" Her eyes widened as she listened, and she gripped the phone tightly trying hard to hide her excitement. "Okay…I can do that. Yes I get it. I'll meet you wherever you want me to…don't worry about that, I can deal with him. He won't even know I'm gone. Thank you." She hung up the phone and allowed a smile to cross her features briefly before smoothing her face and heading back inside.


	38. Chapter 38

Luke was apprehensive as he watched his boyfriend on the phone. He couldn't stand still and he ignored the looks Noah was giving him. His heart was beating fast and truthfully he didn't know why he was so frightened. Would his mom go for this? Would she come alone? Would she listen to Noah? He wanted to see her, needed to see if she meant everything she had said on TV. HE wanted to see her, but he wasn't ready to face Damian…not yet. That would come soon, but he needed to talk to his mom first. If she would agree.

"You can stop pacing now," Noah said startling him, and causing him to stop suddenly. "Whoa," Noah said catching him before he stumbled backwards. "Careful, Baby, we don't want you hurting yourself. Come on let's sit down." He allowed Noah to lead him over to the couch where he immediately found solace in strong arms. He felt Noah's fingers in his hair and it immediately started to relax him.

"I don't know what I'd do without you," He said softly as calmness settled over him like a warm blanket.

"Well hopefully you won't have to find out," Noah replied, his voice just as tender as his lips kissed the top of Luke's head. They sat for a moment in comfortable silence, both of them lost in thought, both of them trying to figure out how to start the conversation they needed to have. "She said she'd come," Noah spoke up first, his fingers continuing to allow the silken auburn strands to slip through them.

"Is she going to come by herself?"

"I told her she had to," Noah admitted. "I told her that you wanted to see her, and that I could bring you to her but she had to be alone."

"Do you think she'll listen, Noah?"

Noah frowned and rested his chin in Luke's soft hair. Truthfully he wasn't certain, but he wanted to believe that Lily knew how serious this was. This would be her first step in regaining her son's trust. As it was that wouldn't be easy. Luke didn't trust her…not even a little bit. "Honestly, I don't know." He didn't want to lie to Luke; that was the last thing he wanted. "I think we'll be taking a chance, but you're right about something, Luke. We have to do this…it's time."

"I'm not ready to see Damian," Luke said moving so that he was looking his boyfriend straight in the eyes. Noah's fingers remained suspended in the air, until he placed them against Luke's cheek.

"And he won't see you," he assured his distressed boyfriend. "I promise you that. If Damian is with her, then you won't see them at all. I will protect you okay?"

Luke nodded. He knew he could trust Noah, that wasn't even questionable anymore. He wanted to believe his mom too, but that was going to be hard…even harder then trusting his dad again. He didn't even know how she felt about him now. Was she still disappointed that he was gay? Did she like the idea that Damian wanted to turn him into something he wasn't? Her words on the TV said otherwise, but he wasn't sure what he could believe anymore.

"I'm just suddenly really scared Noah. I mean, I knew this was coming and I know I set in motion, but I feel like I'm back in that place where I don't know who I can trust anymore. I have you and Dad-"

"You have me, your dad and the rest of your family behind you," Noah reminded him, placing a hand on his shoulder to steady him. "Dr. Bob is on your side too. We won't let anything happen to you, Luke."

Luke settled back into Noah's embrace and rested his head against his chest. He trusted what Noah was telling him, but he couldn't help but worry. Things could go very wrong rather quickly and he wasn't so much worried about himself. He was concerned for Noah. He would never forgive himself if his boyfriend got in trouble because of him.

July 11, 2008

Noah and I are going to meet up with my mother today. I am still apprehensive about it, and I have been ever since I told Noah to make the call days ago. Alost a week ago I saw my mom's face on TV and I heard her talking about how much she misses me. She said she wants to find me because she needs to know that I am okay. She seemed so sincere, and I wish I could believe it, but I honestly don't know if I can ever trust her again. Isn't that sad? Not being able to trust your own mother? I have so many mixed feelings about this and I feel like I am tied up into a million knots. It's not just the fact that she couldn't accept that I'm gay. It's a lot of years of pent up frustration and emotions I haven't felt in such a long time.

I'm scared but at the same time I'm anxious to see her. I miss my mom. For all my doubts I still love her. I just wish she could love me too.

July 11, 2008

Its' been six days since I placed that call to Lily, and now comes the moment I've been dreading. I don't know what will happen when Luke and Lily come face to face, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't' concerned with the outcome. Would she come alone? Would she listen to Luke? Did she indeed have Luke's best interests at heart?

I'm just glad we picked a neutral place to meet. There was no way I was bringing her here to the safe haven. Luke needs somewhere where he can be himself and I still hope that this can be our home at the end of all things. Anyway, I have no expectations for today; I just want Luke to come out of it unscathed if that is possible. He has been hurt so much already, and he's getting past it. I know he's going to be strong today, I have faith in that.

"Are you ready?" Noah asked as they stood outside the Lakeview. Luke was holding tightly to his hand as he looked up at the hotel that had been a huge part of his childhood. Everyone inside knew who he was on sight, though their recognition would be slightly impaired; at least he hoped so. He took a deep breath and nodded in response to Noah's question and followed him into the lobby. Noah retrieved the key from the front desk and before Luke could think about it they were boarding the elevator to the top floor.

Luke's heart was beating a mile a minute as they rode up and he felt Noah squeezing his hand reassuringly. He tried to smile at his boyfriend, but truthfully he really didn't know what to expect from this meeting.

"Relax, baby. You have the upper hand here," Noah whispered in his ear. They elevator finally came to a stop and Luke allowed Noah to pull him out into the lush hallway. He tightened his grip on Noah's hand as they walked down the hallway. With every step he felt like he was walking the plank and at any moment he would realize there was nothing there and he would fall. He swallowed hard and took a deep breath trying to stay his overactive imagination. This was not going to be so hard…it was just his mother.

He noticed her as soon as the door opened. Her back was too them, as she stared out the window, glancing out at the view she had seen many times. He looked to Noah who quickly glanced around the room before nodding his approval. The coast was clear; she had come alone as promised and now it really was time.

Noah gave his hand one final squeeze before pulling him further into the room. He cleared his throat and Luke lowered his head as they waited for her to turn around.

Lily stiffened immediately at the noise behind her and ever so slowly she turned to face the men who had entered the room. She blinked when she saw Noah, his tall frame standing out like a beacon, those blue eyes looking at her warily as she moved forward. The man beside him has his head down and she frowned, a question clear in her eyes as she came closer.

"Noah?" she said the uncertainty clear in her tone. "I thought you were bringing my son to me?"

"I'm right here, Mom," Luke spoke before Noah could respond. He looked up and faced his mother with a frown set on his face. "Don't you recognize me?"

Lily heard the voice but it didn't match the face that was starting back at her. The hair was considerably long, and it was auburn. "Is this a joke?" she asked hesitantly as her eyes went to Noah. His were familiar and he didn't' look any different than he had the last time she saw him. "What did you do to Luke? Where is he, Noah. You promised you'd bring him to me."

"Lily, you don't understand," Noah started even as he felt the loss of Luke's hand. He watched his boyfriend ball his hands into fists and he knew before Luke spoke that he was hurt, and angry…very, very angry.

"What's the matter, Mother? Did the hair throw you off? Or maybe it's the fact that I can stand up straight now and I actually look halfway confident. Is that what's throwing you off? Is that why you don't recognize me? Or maybe you just don't want to see me. Do you despise me that much?"

"What, Luke, no," Lily said realizing her error all too late. She moved forward attempting to embrace her son, but he backed away from her. The force of his glare knocked her backwards and Noah stood by wondering if he should step in or not. He decided against it, trusting that Luke could handle this on his own.

"Don't touch me," Luke said holding his hands out in front of him like a shield. "You can't just say something like that and think that it won't affect me. And you can't expect to make it all better by just giving me a hug. I'm not a kid anymore Mom."

"You'll always be my baby, Luke," Lily said after a moment's pause. "I just want you to be okay. Don't you see that? I only want what's best for you."

"By making me have a surgery I don't need or want?" Luke countered even as he took another step backwards. "Do you think I'm so broken that I can't make up my own mind about things?"

"You were just confused. We wanted to make you better."

"Do I sound confused to you?" Luke's voice boomed in the otherwise quiet room and even Noah had to take a step back. He knew his boyfriend had a temper, but this was beyond anything he had seen. All that hurt and frustration he was feeling was boiling at the surface, and Noah wondered how much of it was going to be unleashed on Lily. "I needed you to be there for me, Mom," Luke said, his voice lowering a decibel though it was thick with emotion. "I needed you to tell me that you didn't hate me, and that you loved me…but you couldn't. You couldn't do it, you couldn't love me."

"Luke-"

"Stop talking," Luke cut her off before she could say more. "Just stop and listen for a minute okay? It just hurts so much, Mom. It hurts that you don't love me enough to know me. It makes me sad that my most vivid memories of you are of you leaving me. So please just tell me what I did, Mom. Tell me what I did to make you leave and not want me anymore."

Noah frowned as he leaned against the door watching the confrontation. It was very apparent that Luke's feelings towards his mother went further than just her rejection of his sexuality…or at least what he thought was her rejection. It was obvious that these feelings had been lying dormant for quite some time. He was just glad Luke was able to get them out.

Lily was stunned by the words coming out of her son's mouth. She could tell that he was upset and her heart yearned for her to take him into her arms and tell him he was wrong, but he knew that he wasn't. It made her sad to think that she had somehow failed her son, and she wanted to make it up to him. She just didn't know how to start. The sad part was that she had no argument for him. She couldn't even answer his question…could she? It hurt that he felt this way, and she felt even worse about listening to Damian and leaving her boy yet again when it was obvious that he was crying out for her help.

"You don't have an answer do you?" Luke's wounded voice met her ears. He didn't sound angry anymore, just sad and that cut through her like a knife…this pain he was feeling she felt it too and on some levels she didn't know where it was coming from. "You can't even give me that much?"

"Luke, baby, I'm sorry," she started attempting once more to move towards him. Noah stepped up and placed a hand on her shoulder, shaking his head all the while.

"Stay there," he said his voice gentle but firm. "If you move towards him he will run."

She nodded her understanding and stood still, her eyes watching Noah as he moved back to Luke's side standing behind the shorter man as if to guard his person. Lily found the move curious, but she was in no position to ask questions…not yet.

"I'm sorry," She said softly, her eyes meeting her son's head on as she shifted the purse she had on her arm. "I know that's not enough, Luke, and I know I owe you more…but I need you to know that first. I need you to believe that I am sorry for all the turmoil I have caused you in your life. You are my first born, Luke. The one good thing to come out of my relationship with Damian, and I love you so much." There were tears in her eyes, and she didn't bother to wipe them away. She kept her gaze trained on Luke, hoping that she was getting through to him.

"Then why do you always leave me?" Luke asked and Noah could hear his voice trembling. He kept his eyes trained on his boyfriend for a moment before looking at Lily, whom he had always liked. He waited with baited breath hoping that she would answer that question the right way.

IT was on the tip of her tongue to say she didn't leave, but she realized as she thought it that he was right. It wasn't always intentional, not in the least, but from Luke's perspective it was all the same.

"Dad was always there," Luke's voice intruded on her thoughts. "Dad takes care of me and puts my needs first. That's why it hurt when I thought he sent me away. That's why I felt so betrayed. Dad said he understood my choices, but you wanted to change me. And Damian…you sided with Damian over Dad. Are you that ashamed of me being gay?"

His voice was so calm now, he was no longer yelling. No more screaming, just soft spoken hurt as only Luke could pull it off. Lily wasn't sure which she preferred. Those eyes, so much like her own, were glaring at her, but she could see that he just needed her to tell him the truth. He needed to hear that she loved him.

"I'm not ashamed," Lily countered, her hands once again pulling on the strap of her purse. "Luke, I'm sorry for the way I acted when you came out. I was just shocked, and I didn't think about how my reaction would affect you. I'm so sorry baby."

Luke watched his mom closely and bit his lip. He wanted to believe her. He wanted to run to her and throw his arms around her like he used to do when he was small. He couldn't het…there was one more thing he needed to know. One thing he needed to be sure of before round one was over. "And you forgive me for pushing you down the stairs?"

Lily's face softened and she shook her head. "That wasn't your fault, Luke. I don't know what you were told, but no one blames you for that, Honey. I moved backwards and slipped. It was my fault not yours. I love you, Luke."

"I love you too," Luke murmured as he moved forward to crash into his mother's arms. Noah stood back and watched as Luke buried his head on his mother's shoulder and held on tight. It was almost comical, yet beautiful at the same time. Luke was slightly taller than his mom, but Lily for her credit did her best not to topple over as she wrapped her arms around her son and held him tightly. She had tears in her eyes, and Noah was certain that his boyfriend was crying as well. Noah had no disillusions that this was over. There was a lot of debris to sift through before this mother and son relationship could be completely healed…but it was a start.

July 11, 2008(night time.)

Noah and I just returned home from the Lakeview, and I am emotionally spent. I didn't realize that seeing my mother again would take so much out of me. Noah says he was surprised with how angry I got, and I have to admit I was too. I knew I had a lot of pent up feelings but I didn't mean for them to come out that way. Of course when I apologized Noah said I had every right to be upset and he was proud of me. I think having Noah proud of me makes everything worth it.

I'm not sure what to think about my mom yet. I love her, really I do…and I'm glad that she loves me, but I think it would be naïve to think that everything is fine just because we shared a hug and we got to talk a little. My instincts tell me not to trust her…not fully. She needs to prove herself to me first. I think sometimes an apology is just words. They are used to put a balm on a hurt…but it takes action to back up those words and that's what I'm waiting for. I have to wait to see what she will do next.

Right now I feel the need to relax in Noah's arms. I want him to hold me and never let go. Yes I know how cliché and gooey that sounds but I really don't care. I like being independent, but right now I just want to be with Noah and that's okay. Noah said we could go see my mom again tomorrow. I'm glad he understands me and knows when I'm a little overwhelmed. I'm glad he stepped in to tell mom not to come closer too. He's right; I probably would have backed right out the door if she had come any closer. Otherwise I think things went okay. I just hope I can trust the fact that she loves me.

Luke closed his journal and placed it on the night table before glancing at his boyfriend. "Noah are you still awake"" He asked reaching out to shake his shoulder.

"Hmmm?" Noah asked one eye opening to peek at Luke.

"I just wanted to say I love you," Luke said shyly.

Noah smiled and pulled Luke down beside him, wrapping him in a tight embrace. "I love you too. You did good today."

Luke rested his head against Noah's chest and nuzzled close as Noah's chin settled in his hair. He was content with this position. There was a lot on his mind, but he didn't feel like talking about it at the moment. He just wanted to stay like this for a while, he was content and surrounded by love…there wasn't anywhere he'd rather be then there with Noah and he didn't think that was going to change.

Luke sighed contentedly as he snuggled up to Noah. He could feel his boyfriend's lips on his forehead, and he closed his eyes reveling in that closeness. They had spent the morning making love, an act that Luke was quickly coming to enjoy. He loved how it felt, and he loved the emotions that came along with it. Noah was always so gentle, so sweet and very generous. He was also very satisfied when Luke returned the favor.

Luke almost wished they didn't have to leave the cabin today. He knew they needed to meet up with his mom again, but a part of him wanted Noah to call her to reschedule. He was comfortable where he was, but he knew it wasn't that simple.

He knew that Noah would tell him that they needed to get the appointment over with, and then that night they could come back and relax together again. He sighed as he looked up smiling at the blue eyes that were watching him closely. "I guess we should get up now?"

"Unfortunately," Noah replied, his fingers carding through Luke's hair as he bent down to kiss him. "Your mom will be expecting us, and you did say we needed to end this."

"I know," Luke admitted as he lifted himself out of the bed. He pulled Noah up and didn't protest when those strong arms wrapped around him, holding him close. "I love you, Noah."

Noah dipped his head allowing their lips to meet one last time in a sweet, tender kiss. "I love you too.

It was late afternoon when they finally made it to the Lakeview. They bypassed the front desk and took the elevator up to the top floor. This time Luke was more confident as they walked through the halls. He held Noah's hand and squeezed it tight as they neared the door. Noah knocked and then turned to give Luke a hug telling him everything would be okay.

"Oh god," Luke said pulling away from Noah as the door opened. Puzzled, Noah turned and found himself face to face with Damian.

"What are you doing here?" Noah asked automatically moving in front of Luke to shield him from the other man. Damian ignored Noah and gestured to the cop who Noah hadn't even realized was standing just inside the door.

"Arrest him."

"What, no!" Luke exclaimed from behind Noah. "You can't do that."

"It's alright Luciano," Damian tried to soothe. "You're in good hands now."

"You're making a mistake," Noah protested as the cop pulled his hands behind his back to put the cuffs on. He heard the cop begin to speak his Miranda rights, but he was only partially paying attention. His gaze was on his boyfriend who was beginning to panic. "Luke, go get help."

Luke nodded but for the moment his feet might as well have been glued to the ground. All he saw was the cops leading his Noah away from him. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned sharply, glaring at Damian and his mother who now stood beside him. "Don't you dare touch me," he said his fists clenched. "Don't ever touch me again."

"Luciano let us explain."

Luke swatted at Damian's hand once and glared at his mother. "I'm never going to forgive you for this." Before Lily could respond Luke turned and ran. Angry tears stung his eyes as his feet pounded on the ground. He didn't bother waiting for the elevator. He took the stairs all the way down to the lobby floor and ran out of an emergency exit.


	39. Chapter 39

He ran as fast as his legs would carry him through the streets of Oakdale. He had one destination in mind and he didn't plan on stopping until he got there. Not even the traffic lights could slow him down. He could hear the beeping horns as he darted between cars but still he moved and almost got hit twice. HE was breathing heavily by the time he reached his destination, but that didn't stop him from banging on the door and calling out his friend's name.

"Casey, Please," he said as he hit the door again. "Please be in there, I need you. You have to be home."

When the door opened Luke stepped back and tried to catch his breath. It wasn't Casey, and his first instinct was to run again, but he closed his eyes and tried to calm down. There was no need to run…these were people he could trust, and he knew that.

"Luke?" Tom Hughes stepped outside a frown on his face as he watched the younger man gulping for air. "What's wrong, son? Why are you so out of breath?"

"My mom here and she damian where i was they arrested noah," Luke said his words all jumbled together as he struggled to calm down.

Tom frowned as he reached out to touch Luke's shoulder. "Come on inside son, and breathe. I need you to explain to me what you're talking about." He led Luke into the house as he spoke and directed him to take a seat on the couch. For a moment he disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a paper bag which he promptly gave Luke to breathe into.

Luke did as he was told and gradually his breathing became normal again and his leg jerked up and down as he looked at Tom with mixture of sadness and anger in his eyes.

"That's good, Luke. Do you think you can tell me what's wrong now?" Tom asked calmly. "You said something about your mom and Damian? And what's this about arresting Noah?"

Luke shook his head to clear it before looking up at his friend's father. "Noah called my mom after the fourth of July to tell her that he had found me. And he told her that I would see her, but not Damian."

"Okay," Tom said settling back in his seat. "That makes sense. What happened next?"

"I saw her yesterday," Luke explained, his leg jumping involuntarily as he spoke. "And she seemed okay…she said she loved me and that she was sorry. And she wanted me to trust her. But then today we went back to see her and Damian was there and he arrested Noah and it's all my fault that Noah got in trouble."

"Take it easy son," Tom tried to soothe him. "Do you have any idea what Damian is trying to arrest Noah for?"

"NO," Luke shook his head vehemently. "Noah didn't do anything wrong, Tom. He took care of me, that's all. He loves me."

"You don't have to convince me, Luke." Tom placed a hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "I'm going to call the station to see what's going on. Do you want me to call your dad?"

"Yes, please. I left the car at the hotel or I'd drive out there, but I need him to help Noah. Noah didn't do anything wrong, Tom."

Tom frowned as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. He called the station first and found out that they were holding Noah for questioning. Margo was stalling but she thought it would be good if Tom came in to act as Noah's lawyer. Next he called the farm to talk to Holden. Luke asked for the phone while they spoke and Tom gladly handed it to him.

"Dad?" he said pressing the phone to his ear.

"What happened kiddo? Are you okay?"

"They arrested Noah," Luke said the tears he had tried to keep at bay spilling down his cheeks. "We have to help him, Dad. I don't know why they want to throw him in jail. He didn't do anything wrong. Why would Mom do that? Why did she call Damian?"

Holden was actually wondering the same thing. He was already on his way into town and he thought it would be best if he met his son at the police station. "Have Tom take you to the station, Squirt. I'll meet you there and we'll figure something out."

"Okay," Luke said taking a deep breath. He realized that crying was not going to help his case here. His parents, the ones he didn't trust, thought he was unstable and weak. He would have to be at his strongest to deal with this. Noah had taught him that, and he would not let his boyfriend down. "Thanks for not betraying me, Dad."

"I love you, Squirt. I'll see you soon." Holden pushed the off button on the phone and quickly dialed another number as he grabbed his car keys. "Jack, are you at the station?"

He was silent during the ride into town, his eyes focused on the road ahead, as Tom filled him in on what they needed to do. Tom had called Casey, and he was going to meet them. Luke was grateful that Noah was going to have a lot of support. If he could be honest with himself he could admit that he needed the support too.

"We're here, Luke," Tom's voice drew his attention and he blinked realizing that at some point he had zoned out. They were in front of the station and he gripped the door handle tightly trying to will himself to open the door. "It's alright, Son. Everything is going to be okay," Tom soothed and Luke wanted to believe that. He needed to trust that Noah was going to get out of this unscathed. And he needed to believe that their bond was strong enough, that Noah meant everything he had ever told him and that after everything they had been through, his parents…Damian was not going to win.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to look into Casey's father's eyes. They were full of concern, and he took comfort in that. If anything it showed him that someone believed him. He took a deep breath and got out the car, almost immediately allowing his body to rest against the hood. He rested a minute, needing to regain his composure before he went inside. Tom had already told him that Margo wasn't going to let the charges stick, but what if he was wrong about that? What if Damian somehow managed to get Noah thrown in jail?

"Luke," he heard his name being called and turned just in time to see his dad coming towards him. He pushed himself off the car and barreled into his dad's arms feeling instantly like a small child as he clung to him. "Please don't let anything happen to Noah, Dad, please," He begged as he looked up at the man he had loved all his life. "He didn't do anything wrong, he was only helping me."

"I know that, Luke. You need to calm down okay? It's time for you to show your mother and Damian that you are stronger than they give you credit for. Noah will be okay, I'm certain he's more concerned for your welfare than his own."

"That's the problem," Luke countered quickly. "He's not thinking about himself and I want him to. I didn't realize doing all of this would get him in trouble."

"He would do it again in a heartbeat, Luke." Holden replied. "Noah didn't run into this half-baked. He knew what was at stake. Taking care of you and making sure you didn't have unnecessary surgery was important. He wouldn't change anything and neither would I."

"But why?" Luke asked frowning.

"Because when you love someone you are willing to do just about anything to keep them safe, even at the risk of your own life. I think if you had any doubts about Noah's love for you before this should cinch it for you."

Noah was quickly growing tired of the constant retreading of questions. He didn't show his frustration, but he could feel it. The cop who interrogated him kept asking the same things over and over and all Noah wanted to do was make a phone call to check on Luke. He wanted to make sure that his boyfriend was alright. It wasn't that he thought Luke wouldn't be able to take care of himself. He knew he was more than capable of that…but he also knew how Luke felt when he tasted betrayal. If something happened to Luke because of Lily's stupidity Noah was going to see red.

"Why hasn't he been thrown in jail?" a harsh voice met his ears and he looked up to see Damian talking to Margo, who didn't look happy to see him.

"Because in my precinct everyone is innocent until proven guilty, Damian. And you haven't necessarily convinced me that Noah did anything wrong."

"He took my son God knows where, and lied when Lily asked him if he had seen him."

"UH huh," Margo said crossing her arms, "See I don't know if I believe that for one minute. I've seen Luke over the past few days and he is fine. So unless you can convince me that Noah means Luke any harm I am not going to hold him here."

"Noah," Luke called as he and Holden entered the precinct. Everyone turned in the direction of the red head who was focused solely on the man who sat at the table in the interrogation room. Noah stood and Luke ran into his embrace holding him tightly as he felt Noah's arms wrap around him. "Are you okay?" he asked moments later as he pulled back to look at his boyfriend. "They didn't try to really arrest you did they? You didn't do anything wrong, Noah."

"I'm fine," Noah said placing his hands on Luke's shoulders. "See, no cuffs. They're just asking a lot of questions, the same ones over and over."

"What kind of questions?" Luke asked frowning.

"They asked if I forced you to go with me last August. And they wanted to know if I brainwashed you into thinking you were okay."

"That's crazy."

"That's what Damian told them," Noah pointed out. "He paints a rather elaborate story, Luke. According to him, I lied about leaving Oakdale to throw him off track. I then took you out of the hospital, and have been holding you captive ever since."

"Okay, but part of that's true," Luke whispered.

"I know," Noah frowned. "Everything but the brainwashing and holding you captive is very much true."

"Oh no…"

"Luke, don't panic. "Surely your dad can get Lily to see reason."

"What about Damian?"

"As your Legal biological parent your mother is the one carrying the most weight here. Obviously your Dad is not going to send me to jail. But your mom could."

That statement alone shattered the last remnants of his heart and Noah watched as a change came over him. Luke's eyes shifted in color all the while remaining calm as he turned away from Noah and left the room. Noah involuntarily shuddered as he followed behind him, knowing he couldn't stop what was coming, but needing to be there for Luke nonetheless.

An argument had arisen in the precinct and they walked right into the middle of it. Holden was arguing with Lily while Damian was trading barbs with Margo. Casey's voice as well as Jack's and Tom's could also be heard at varying points. Everyone wanted to talk, to be heard and listened to, and no one was paying attention to the boy who in essence was at the center of all the chaos.

Noah watched as Luke walked to the front door of the precinct and opened it wide. His boyfriend stood there for the longest moment, and he knew he was gathering up his thoughts. This was the moment of truth, and Noah couldn't have been more proud. He jumped along with everyone else when he heard what sounded like a gunshot. His eyes roamed quickly around the room as he realized Luke had slammed the door to get everyone's attention. It had worked; the entire room was shrouded in silence and all eyes were on Luke

"Maybe it's time for everyone to shut up and listen to me for a change…you know considering that all of this is about me?" Noah moved to stand beside Holden, who was trying valiantly to hide the pride he was feeling at that moment. There was no doubt in Noah's mind that his boyfriend was beyond just being angry. He was pissed.

"Luciano you shouldn't be here," Damian spoke up. He didn't even flinch at the glare Luke sent in his direction. "We only have your best interests at heart, Son. We have to protect you."

"You need to be quiet," Luke retorted, his tone soft and firm as he looked at Damian. You don't get to make decisions for me. You don't get to depict what's right or wrong with me. You are not my father and you will never be anything to me."

"You don't mean that, Son."

"The only person allowed to call me son, Damian, is my father. You know the man who raised me, the one who accepts me for who I am. The one who didn't choose to send me to a deprogramming camp."

"Luciano-"

"Stop calling me that," Luke demanded without raising his voice. "You do not have the right to call me anything. You do not have the right to decide what is best for me, and what I need to do to get better. You don't even have the right to worry about me because I am nothing to you."

"Don't say that. You're just confused, Luciano. Let me and your mother help you."

"I want to know more about this reprogramming camp," Margo spoke up. "What is he talking about, Damian."

"Luke, Honey," Lily added her voice to the fray. "Let us take you to the hospital. We need to get you checked out."

"I am not going anywhere with you," Luke glared at his mother who had the decency to back up a step. "You don't get to tell me what to do, or what to say or how to think. That's for me to decide and at some point you need to understand that. Do you even know what you're doing?" he asked looking around at all the faces before his eyes landed on Noah. He focused on that loving gaze for a moment, taking comfort in the pride he saw there. Noah mouthed three words to him, and Luke mouthed them back before facing the masses again. "Do you even understand how serious this is?"

"This is ridiculous," Damian spoke up again. "What kind of venom have you been putting in my son's head, Noah? What did you do to him?"

"He loved me," Luke stated before Noah had a chance to speak up. "He cared about me, and helped me, and most importantly he listened, which is something that you don't know how to do."

"He filled your head with lies-"

"Shut up," Luke said raising his voice just an octave as he looked at the man who had caused him more pain then he cared to recall. Daring to swoop in and arrest Noah was just the tip of the iceberg. "You are the liar, Damian. You've been lying to everyone for months, and I'm not going to stand by and let you do it anymore. Everyone deserves to know just how messed up this is. Everyone needs to know what you did to me."

All eyes were on him as he glared at his biological father. He didn't even think about the fact that they were all staring. He needed to say this…all of it, and if anyone was going to go to jail that day it most certainly wasn't going to be his boyfriend.

"Take your time, Luke," Tom's voice met his ears. "I think we're all anxious to hear what you have to say."

Luke held the attorney's gaze for a long moment before taking a deep breath. It was time for this to be over…he just wanted to be free.

"YOU know, I'm not even sure what's worse," he said his eyes focusing on Damian once more. "The fact that you told me you were dying and you wanted me to take care of you, or the fact that you told my family that I made the choice to go to rehab for alcohol abuse. You took advantage of me, Damian. And you used something so personal…so private in order to manipulate my family and I don't think I could ever forgive you for it."

He didn't have to look at everyone to know that there were a lot of questions floating around. He was certain everyone was confused by his statements and he planned to lay it all out for everyone. IT was an intricate blueprint, one crafted by a spider. There was something to be said about tangled webs…lies and deceit woven so intricately it was hard to decipher the beginning from the end. Damian had always been a master manipulator…but it stopped now.

"You took advantage of my guilt, Damian. You knew I blamed myself for what happened to my mom. You knew it would be the perfect opportunity to turn me against my dad, and in the end you got what you wanted right? You got your big strong strapping "Grimaldi Male" who could take over for you when you died right?"

"That wasn't how it was supposed to be Luciano."

"That's exactly how it was, Damian. You tricked me into believing my dad wanted me to go to Echo Lake. You told me he thought it would be a good idea, and you said…you said that you tried to talk him out of it. You made yourself look like the hero, while my dad looked like the villain. I just bet you were laughing as you drove me to Echo Lake, weren't you? You were probably thinking that you had just pulled off the biggest con, making your son believe that the man who raised him wanted him gone. How did that make you feel Damian? You made me feel betrayed by my father, and then you turned around and betrayed me yourself."

His gaze skirted around the assembled crowd allowing his words to sink in, especially for his mom; she needed to know the truth about the man she chose to trust over his dad. She needed to understand why he was so upset.

"You said Dad blamed me for Mom's fall. You told me that he decided I should go away so that he didn't have to see me anymore. You told me all that," Luke charged, "And showed me a letter with his signature and you turn around and tell him that I went to alcohol rehab because you knew he would believe that, and he would be proud of what he thought I had done. You stupid sonofabitch, how could you mess with so many lives like that? Did you care about the damage your lies would cause? Did it occur to you that maybe the place you were sending me to was not the safest place for me to go?"

"Can you tell us about this Echo Lake, Luke?" Jack asked his arms crossed in front of him as he glared at Damian.

"Maybe I should let Damian tell you about Echo Lake. After all he was there. He knew exactly what they were doing to me, and he just watched. He watched them isolate me, and he saw me get whipped. Tell me, Damian. Did you see them rape me too? Was that your favorite part? Or did you like the electroshock therapy best? Oh I know, maybe it was the beatings they gave me with the whips, bet that made you really proud to call me your son didn't it?"

Lily gasped and Damian had the good decency to look uncomfortable. Luke watched as his mother turned to Damian and started railing at him, her fists hitting his chest as she cried hysterically. It frightened Luke just how much that scene didn't affect him. He felt separated from it all. As if the opinions of those who had put him in this position didn't matter to him. Of course they felt bad after the fact. And he knew it was wrong to put his mom in the same category with Damian, but hadn't she made that choice when she decided he needed surgery too? She was the reason Damian was here in Oakdale right now…she had betrayed him and he didn't know if he could get past it.

"There is no way to completely describe what I went through at Echo Lake," Luke said taking a deep breath. I can tell you it was horrible, and I'm very lucky to have made it out alive. I don't think it was any worse than coming back here to find out that everyone thought I had been sent to alcohol rehab. And it's funny how the only one who had the decency to be shocked is my dad. No one questioned what Damian said, and I don't know if that says anything about me or you guys…but it definitely hurts. Dad worried about me, he wondered where I was but not the rest of you. I can't tell you how lonely that made me feel. I felt so lost and so unloved. It was like my biggest fear had come true. That no one would want me when they found out who or what I was."

Noah frowned as he watched his boyfriend place a hand on the desk to steady him. He sensed that Luke was getting tired, but he knew he wouldn't want to stop…not just yet. He still had so much to say. There was a lot of hurt in his heart and it was even bigger than even Noah had realized. He wanted to go to him right then and there, but he waited. He knew the moment would come when Luke needed his aid…Luke would let him know.

"I was sent to Echo Lake because my parents wanted to fix me," Luke's voice was firm and thick with emotion. "I was there for a year, and I almost died. After the last isolation period I was whipped within an inch of my life and taken to the closest hospital. I'm not sure how long I was there, but when I was released I was sent back here. And I was broken." He laughed humorlessly as he focused his attention on Damian and Lily. "Are you happy now, Damian? You broke me, and when I got back you tried to break me even more and then proceeded to take my choices away from me."

"We were only doing what's best for you, Luciano."

"You don't care what's best for me," Luke countered, blinking as he tried to stay alert. He wanted to finish this. He still had so much he needed to say. "Are you just so blind that you can't see…what's right in front of you? I'm not a kid, and I haven't been for a very long time. I am more than capable of making my own decisions and I'm not stupid. You all think you know what's best for me, but the only people who took the time to actually ask me what I wanted are my Dad and Noah…" He stopped after he said the name as dizziness started to overtake him.

"Noah," he mouthed even as his boyfriend moved forward catching him before he could fall to the floor. Noah lowered them both down to the ground and cradled him in his embrace. His fingers stroked Luke's cheeks as he looked up at the assembled crowd.

"Are you happy now?" He asked before focusing on Luke. "Come on baby, open those eyes for me, please."

Much to his relief Luke shifted and opened his eyes blinking as Noah came into focus. "Hi," he said smiling up at his boyfriend.

"Hey yourself," Noah smiled.

"I did it again didn't I?"

"Yes…you're really good at scaring me to death."

Luke smiled weakly and tried to sit up. He was emotionally spent and his body instantly fell against Noah. "Can you take me home?"

Noah frowned and turned his attention to Margo. "Am I free to go?" Margo nodded and Noah focused his attention once more on his boyfriend. He kissed Luke's forehead before helping him to his feet and wrapped his arm around Luke's waist. Luke draped his arm around Noah's back and together they left the precinct. When Damian moved to follow them Margo stopped him and gestured for Jack to take him to a holding cell. She wouldn't be able to hold him for long, but she certainly wasn't going to allow him to harass Luke or Noah for that matter.

"What were you thinking?" Holden asked his wife as Damian was led away. "Why did you call Damian?"

"Because I thought if he saw how well Luke was doing he would change his mind," Lily protested needing someone to understand. "I had no idea he would have Noah arrested…and I had no idea Holden about what he did to Luke. You have to believe me."

"Unfortunately, Lily, I'm not the one you need to convince."


	40. Chapter 40

July 24, 2008

It has been a crazy two weeks and I am glad that they are over. This does not mean I will stop writing. I think it's just time to put the past behind me and focus on my future. Before I can do that however, I need to talk about all that has happened in the past two weeks. I think that Noah and I are in a good place, and we are ready to start our lives together…without the need to run.

A lot of things happened after Noah was arrested. It's strange even to write it that way, but it's the truth. They took him down to the station with the express intent to arrest him for a crime he did not commit. I felt the walls crashing in on me when I realized that my mom had betrayed us. I am having a hard time getting over it, even though I know what she told me her reasons were. She said she wanted Damian to see that I was okay…she wanted him to talk to me. She claims that she didn't know that he was going to arrest Noah…I honestly don't think I believe her. She had to have known. He has never liked Noah, and even tried to turn me against him before I ended up in the hospital. And if Noah was standing in the way of what he wanted…what did she think he was going to do?

I guess I am beyond the point of thinking Damian will change. He has hurt me so badly, and that lost year as I like to call it was only the tip of a very sharp iceberg. I think I could look past all he did when I was child. I can let go of the abandonment and the attempted kidnappings, and even being held at gunpoint once or twice. I can let all that go. But the fact is that his latest stunt didn't just cause me pain. It hurt my Dad, and my sisters…my family was deeply affected by what he did and I just don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

I have learned a lot about myself over the past year. With Noah's help I have regained my self confidence and I have emerged stronger than I was before I went to Echo Lake. Noah has taught me…no he has reminded me how to laugh, and how to smile. Thanks to him I remember what it's like to achieve something, to be proud of who I am and what I do. I am Luke Snyder. I am a son, a brother, a friend and above all else I am a writer. I have the best boyfriend in the world and that is okay too. I have realized that my sexuality does not define me…I do that. I am me and that's what loving Noah has taught me.

I'm supposed to be documenting what happened over the past two weeks, but I felt the need to state that first. After Noah took me home that night we settled down in bed and talked about what had happened. I apologized profusely for getting him into trouble and he told me to stop that. Noah said that he wouldn't change anything about what he had done the past year. His objective had been to protect me and if he had to do it all over again he would. I love that about him. He is so selfless and I can only hope that I can be that for him someday. I think I am. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for Noah, and I know that if we ever had to put up with his father again I would stand by his side and hold his hand. And even snap at the man…Noah means that much to me.

We talked about what would happen next, now that Damian was back in town. I knew there were things that needed to be done; Tom and I had talked about it. Well, Tom had talked on our way to the station…I just listened. There needed to be a competency hearing since Damian and my mom were insisting that I wasn't in my right frame of mind. I would have to prove them wrong. Of course Noah and I had a year's worth of journal entries and Dr. Hughes testimony on our side; that and the fact that the whole town had been around me the past few months. Damian didn't really have a leg to stand on.

I released the information from the journals and the videos Noah and I had made to the courts. Noah had initially said I didn't have to do that, but I figured full disclosure was the best thing to do. If it meant that Damian and Ross Kreeger could fry then it was all worth it to me. I wasn't sure what I was really trying to accomplish, it just seemed like something I needed to do.

My older brother and sister returned to Oakdale for the hearing, which was last week. Abby testified on my behalf stating that there was nothing wrong with me when she saw me last September. I was a little confused, but definitely in charge of my own mind. I am glad that she realizes that. I love my sister and I miss her a lot. I told her she needed to come back to Oakdale more often. She promised to make it a habit, and told me that she was happy for me and Noah.

I took Noah's advice about Aaron. He was there to testify which was nice, but I didn't forgive him right away, and I waited for him to apologize. I made him apologize to Noah too, and then told him I would think about forgiving him. I think I will in time, but the betrayal really hurt. It's sad when you confide in someone, and they take the information and use it against you. And that's how I feel about what Aaron did. I talked to him because I was confused and I needed my older brother to help me. I know he thinks he was doing the right thing, but that just doesn't make it better. I do love him though so I hope in time that we'll be able to be close again.

I think that's how I feel about my mom too. She was there to testify on my behalf, but that certainly doesn't mean things are good between us yet. She's very sorry for listening to Damian and not trusting her motherly instincts. She says that she accepts me for who I am, and I think I believe her. But it's going to take a while for the trust to come back. I can't live my life worrying about what other people think of me, or what other people think I should do. I have to take the bull by the horns, take control of the reins and just do me. I know life isn't easy, but my life has to be mine…and I want that with Noah. It's the only thing I am truly sure of these days. I know what we have is right, and we have proven that we are strong together. And best of all I know I never have to doubt his love for me. It really is the greatest gift of all and I'm glad I have it.

Dad and Grandma Emma were more than willing to speak on my behalf. Grandma Lucinda was there too, and she told the court about our countless phone conversations and the fact that I went to get medicine for Noah all by myself when he was sick. I obviously knew what I was doing if I drove the car to town and went to the pharmacy and also shopped for groceries. She was very direct with the judge; "I've known that boy his whole life, and he is a strong man. There is nothing that any surgery can do to cure him, because there is nothing wrong with him, nothing wrong at all" love my grandmother; she doesn't throw punches and always speaks her mind. She is definitely one of my biggest cheerleaders.

Dr. Hughes confirmed what Noah and my dad have been trying to say for far too long. I do not need brain surgery. I am more than capable of making my own decisions, and I am in touch with all my faculties.

Even with Dr. Hughes testifying the court still appointed an independent doctor for a second opinion. I was scared to go through the tests again, but Dad and Noah were by my side. I am proud to say that I made it through, and in the end the results supported my case. The hearing was just a formality in the end so that things were legal and binding. Unfortunately Damian couldn't be put in jail for anything. All his lying and scheming wasn't against the law…it was apparent that the only way I was going to get Damian out of my life and out of my family's life was to force him out myself.

Which brings me to what we need to do today. I am going to talk to Damian, and I am going to tell him exactly what I think of him. I don't have any feelings for him anymore. That realization hit me sometime last night while I was talking with Noah. Any respect and loyalty I had towards him was gone the minute I knew how deep his lies ran. There really is something to be said about tangled webs. I can't wait to be free of him for good. He caused me and my family a lot of grief and I think we'll all be better off once he's gone.

It's Noah. Luke wants me to write my thoughts down in his journal, kind of like a last hurrah to the year we have had. Honestly, I like sharing these moments with Luke; it brings us closer in another unique way. I feel like he is letting me into his intimate world when he allows me to visit the pages of his journal. He even gets me to sound poetic…though I swear I am not very good with words.

The past two weeks have been particularly crazy. We had the hearing and Luke's brother and sister came to town. I am very proud of Luke, he stood his ground with Aaron and he is taking his time with the forgiving. I think he needs to know that it's okay to be hurt by what people do to you. Betrayal is not a nice thing by any means and it's not the easiest thing to get past. I know he will get past it because he loves his brother. It's just going to take some time. I think Luke has come a long way since we started on this journey a year ago. He is miles away from the scared guy who walked into his parents' home that fateful day. Actually I don't know if scared is the right word. He was uncertain and in hindsight I realize that he had every right to be. I didn't know the extent of Luke's issues when I met him, but there was something about him that drew me to him immediately. I don't know if it was his eyes with those green flecks, or just the vulnerability I saw in him.

I hazard to guess that it was a little bit of both. Luke was and is a very special guy, and I think anyone should be honored for the chance to know him. He had a lot of things to sort out over this past year and despite the setbacks and the trying moments I think he has pulled through quite swimmingly. It actually hurts my heart to think of all the people who doubted him so much. So many didn't think to look past the confusion and the odd behavior (I use that phrasing very lightly). They didn't look beyond the surface and because of that Luke had to relearn a lot of things on his own. I know I was there to help, and so was Holden, but imagine for a second if we hadn't been there. What if Luke had no one who believed in him?

One could guess that his strength and his sense of worth would have come back at some point, but that's presumptuous at best, and I firmly believe that if Luke had stayed here in the hospital he would have had surgery that he didn't need. Not only am I certain that he didn't need that surgery, I have no doubt that we would have lost Luke if we had let them operate. His body might have survived, but that special person,"Luke" would have been gone. It's scary actually, to think about it. The "what ifs" are not pretty and I am grateful that after today we don't have to think about any of that anymore.

Luke doesn't have nightmares about Echo Lake anymore, and he doesn't freak out when I approach him from behind or touch him without his permission. We are so in-tune with each other at this point that I think he even knows when I'm entering a room before I actually get there. He is much more secure about going outside and after the standoff at the police station; I have no doubt that he can handle himself around a crowd of people.

I'm sure Luke will have his moments when he needs to be alone, and I'm certain that he's never going to fully forget about that lost year. That's what he refers to it as now. It's like his way to categorize the events in his mind. He told me once about the bookshelf he pictured to keep his emotions locked away. Well that's where this year is going. He's going to lock the memories far back in his subconscious where they can't affect him anymore. I think it's a very daunting task, but I have no doubt that he can do it. He can get past that, and after today we will be able to move forward because Luke will finally be free of Damian.

Noah gave me back the pen, because he needs to get ready for our day. In an hour I am going to face my biological father one last time. Noah and my dad will be there to back me up, but I know this is something I need to do. For my family's sake as well as for my own Damian cannot be in my life…and honestly I don't want him there

Noah and I don't necessarily know what happens from here. We just know that we want to find out together. Grandma Lucinda has already given us permission to stay here at the cabin. She said we can make it our home, since we have been living here since Christmas. That makes me happy because this has been my home with Noah, our sanctuary and the one place I can go…that we can go to find peace.

We still haven't told anyone where we've been staying. I know it's not a necessary precaution anymore but it's been kinda nice being somewhere private. It's like we can easily disappear and no one would know where to find us. We can be reached by phone, but I kinda like the idea of having a hideaway. Does that sound like a bad thing?

He felt Noah's hand on his shoulder and looked up to see smiling blue eyes staring at him. "You're still writing," he said stating the obvious.

"Yeah," Luke said a faint blush staining his cheeks. "It's like I have so much I want to say, and not enough time to do it."

"I can understand that," Noah said sitting down beside him. "It must be nice to have that outlet again."

"Yeah it is. Have I ever thanked you for that? I guess I should probably thank you for a lot."

"You don't have to thank me for loving you, Luke." Luke smiled and pressed his forehead against Noah's the journal forgotten for the moment. Noah gently brought their lips together for a sweet kiss.

He couldn't help but feel a sense of déjà vu as he entered his family home. Even though he knew it wasn't the case he felt as if he hadn't been there since that day last year when he returned home from Echo Lake. He had been so uncertain that day, so unsure of everything and very closed off. There had been many expectations when he returned and there had been sadness too. Luke didn't feel like he belonged there, and part of him had wanted to turn around and run.

Now as he stood in the very spot where he met Noah he felt an overwhelming sense of clarity. All the pieces of the puzzle were finally in place and he was in control of his own destiny. His life no longer felt like a tangled web. The decisions that were made today would be his, and he had found his sense of purpose.

He didn't have to turn to know that Noah was now standing beside him. A year ago they met as strangers, but today they would leave the house much like they entered it…united. "Dad?" he called as they moved through the living room on their way to the kitchen. "Dad? Are you here?"

"Holden appeared in the doorway and smiled at them. "Are you ready for this?" he asked his eyes locked on Luke. Luke nodded and moved forward to give Holden a hug. He held on to him for a long moment taking comfort in the fingers that ran through his hair. "I'm proud of you, Son," Holden whispered and those words alone gave Luke strength. He pulled away and looked at his dad, seeing the pride in his gaze.

"Thank you," he whispered. He didn't need to say more than that. Holden understood and he ruffled his son's hair before stepping aside so Luke could pass by. Luke took a deep breath and went through the kitchen to the backyard where a tall man was looking out into the distance. A slight breeze ruffled the man's hair making it appear disheveled and unkempt. The man's shoulders were straight and his back was to them, but it was for certain that he was anything but calm.

Holden wrapped his arm around Noah's shoulders hugging him close as they watched Luke walk towards the lone figure who had yet to turn his head. They held their collective breath as Luke stopped mere feet away from his biological father. He ran a hand through his hair and glanced over his shoulder receiving a smile from His dad and Noah. He took a deep breath and faced forward again knowing that once he spoke there was no turning back.

"Hello Damian." He watched the man's shoulders stiffen but he made no move to turn. "Look at me," Luke commanded, crossing his arms in front of him. "Now, Damian. I don't want you here," he said when the man finally turned to face him. "Ever since you came back you have brought nothing but grief to my family and it is going to stop now. I have allowed you to hurt me for the last time."

"I can explain, Luciano," Damian spoke his words coming out in a rush. "You must know that everything I did was for your own good. You are my son and I love you."

"You love me?" Luke repeated. "So that's why you led me to believe you were dying? Wow I didn't realize allowing a child to think they are losing a parent was a sign of love. Good to know."

"It wasn't like that, Luciano," Damian insisted.

"Then what was it like, Damian? Did you just need me to feel sorry for you enough that I would want to d whatever you thought was best? Did you think that once you broke me of my dependence on my family you would swoop in and do whatever you wanted with me? What is it that you want from me? Because it most certainly isn't love. I don't think you're capable of that emotion."

"You cannot fault me for wanting you to be the man I know you can be, Luciano."

"My name is Luke. And the only father I need in my life is standing right over there," he pointed at Holden who was talking quietly with Noah. "He loves me, and he respects me and my choices. HE doesn't try to control me, Damian"

"That wasn't what I was trying to do," Damian protested. Luci…Luke you have to understand I love you."

"I could have died," Luke snapped causing Damian to shut his mouth quickly. "I could have lost my life because you thought it was a good idea to "straighten me out." And then what would have said to my family Damian? That you were only trying to help me? That you wanted me to be a real man? I'm not much of use to anyone if I'm dead."

He could tell that the words were beginning to sink in. Damian's features softened a little but Luke didn't back down. He didn't feel an ounce of sympathy for his biological father. In the end all he felt was pity. "You keep talking about making me a man to be proud of. A man that is worthy of being the heir to the Grimaldi fortune, and a son you can be proud of, but I've realized something. I don't need you to be proud of me. I don't need your approval to make my life better."

"Luke, you can't believe this is the life you want to live. You are so much better than that, Son."

"I am not your son" Luke said through clenched teeth. And the quicker you get that through your skull the better. I am me, Luke and I am a man to be proud of. I have a dad who loves me, and a lover who supports me through every decision I make. Yeah, that's right, Damian. I have a lover, his name is Noah and he's a better man then you could ever hope to be. So I am going to ask you this one more time. What is it that you want from me? Tell me the truth."

"Wow," Noah whispered to Holden as he watched his boyfriend in action. "Remind me never to make him angry again."

"He is doing good isn't he?" Holden said proudly. "What do you mean again," he asked after a beat."

"Let's just say I have experienced the Snyder tempter before and I don't want a repeat performance." Noah smirked, the pride clear in his blue eyes. He couldn't wait to pull Luke into his arms and show him how very proud he was of his achievements.

Holden nodded and turned his attention to Luke who was still waiting for Damian to answer his question. "I'm waiting, Damian." He said impatiently as he balled his hands into fists.

""It doesn't matter now, Luciano," Damian said defeated. "IT's over, just let it go."

"Tell me."

"I have some debts to pay."

"Debts?" Luke said incredulously? "Are you trying to tell me all of this was about money?"

"Luke-"

"NO," Luke cut him off, fire flashing in his eyes as he pointed at his biological father. "NO, you don't get to talk anymore. Not until I say something. I can't believe this. I can't believe you…you put me through hell. You lied to me, and my mom and my family for months….months, Damian and you're telling me it's because you owe money to some faceless bad guys?"

"I need to pay them so I can protect you, Luke. Don't you see that?" Damian stepped forward wanting to touch Luke, but the younger man swatted away his hand.

"Don't touch me. Don't you dare, touch me. You are nothing but a selfish sonofabitch and I swear to god if you touch me I will kill you!"

"Luke," Noah's voice met his ears and he turned his eyes locking with the calming blue gaze. "He's not worth it." Luke nodded, letting Noah's eyes ease some of the hatred he felt in his heart. His boyfriend was right, he could not stoop down to Damian's level he just needed to deal with this and let it be done.

"You are nothing more than a selfish bastard who doesn't care what your actions do to other people," he said his attention focused solely on Damian. "Because of you my mom was in a coma and you led me to believe that was my fault. You let me believe my dad hated me, and you convinced me that he wanted me to go away. You left me with those horrible people for a year and I could have died. I lost a year of my life, my self-worth, my identity all because you needed money. Well you can have it, Damian. You can have every penny because I don't need it. I don't need the Grimaldi fortune or your name. I don't need you and I don't want you anywhere near me."

"Whatever you feel you need me to do, Luke I will do it. You just need to say the word."

"I suppose you need me to sign something," Luke asked, running a hand through his hair with one hand while the other reached for the envelope he had hidden in his back pocket.

He watched as Damian pulled out the documents that would most likely sign all his money over to Damian. He didn't care about that, though he could admit it stung just a little that this was what it had come down to. He was nothing more than a pawn in a game he never agreed to play. 

"You just need to sign at the bottom of the last page of each. It's the same document, in duplicate." Damian explained handing him the papers and a pen. Luke took the instrument from him but he made no move to sign the documents just yet. Instead he held out the papers he held in his own hand and dared Damian to take it. "What is this?" Damian asked taking the bait.

"Before I sign this I have one condition for you," Luke said even as Damian began reading the document. "I'll only sign if you sign this and make it a rider to your agreement. It dissolves any rights you still think you have to me, and it requires that you stay away from me and my family for good. You sign this, and you can have the Grimaldi fortune."

"And if I don't sign?"

"Then you don't get the money, and it is going to go to a charity that supports the lifestyle you seem to abhor so much. I don't really care about the money Damian…but I don't want you near my family and I certainly don't want you anywhere around me. You are a spider of the worst kind and your venom has done enough damage. If I were you, I'd sign those papers, Damian. After that I expect never to see you or hear from you ever again."

Noah watched in awe as Damian and Luke both sighed both copies of Damian's Agreement, as well as Luke's rider, which had been attached to both copies. Luke took his time folding his copy of the papers and sticking them back in his pocket before Then he focused on Damian's copy of the documents for a moment before shoving them into Damian's hands and turning away. At first Noah assumed he was heading towards him, but at the last minute Luke turned and walked towards the pond that bordered the property. Noah exchanged a look with Holden before following behind his boyfriend. Holden watched them all the while keeping an eye on Damian who was still standing where Luke had left him. There was so much he wanted to say to the man, so much he felt needed to be said but he didn't feel it was worth it. Damian had caused enough pain, and the person who needed to end things was Luke. With Luke's actions this would hopefully be the last they saw of Damian Grimaldi…and that was for the best.  
***

He was tossing stones in the water when Noah reached his side, and for a moment he just stood back and watched him. His shoulders were straight as he faced forward, his hand mechanically picking up stones and tossing them one causing the peaceful pond to ripple before the stone sank. Noah moved closer and sat beside him pulling his long legs up to hug them as he placed his chin on his knees. He didn't interrupt Luke's concentration. He knew his boyfriend would talk to him when he was ready.

"I should feel good," Luke's voice sounded loud in the quiet. He didn't turn his head, but Noah could tell that Luke was very troubled by what he was feeling right now. "I should feel like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders but…I don't, Noah. I don't feel better. I just feel bad."

Noah placed his hand on Luke's shoulder causing the other man to turn before collapsing into Noah's embrace. "Its okay, Luke," he soothed as he held him close. "You just said good bye to a man whom you loved despite everything he's ever done to you. You still cared about him."

"But I shouldn't," Luke sighed as he moved out of the embrace so he could face Noah. "I shouldn't feel anything for him…since it's obvious that he doesn't care about me."

"A parent's neglect does not always equate us not loving them, Luke. Look at me. You know how long it took me to let go of my dad."

"Do you hate him?"

"Yes…and no," Noah said honestly. "I think there is always going to be a part of me that loves the myth, the man I thought I knew. But I've come to terms with the fact that I don't need him or his approval in order to live my life. The only person I have to count on is me. And that's what you have to realize, Luke. It's not Damian who gets to decide who Luke Snyder is. Holden doesn't even get to make that decision. The only person who can make that call is you. And you made a pretty good start of it today. I'm very proud of how you stood your ground with Damian."

"I guess I did take back control, didn't I?"

"Yes you did," Noah said leaning forward to capture Luke's lips in a soft kiss. "I told your dad to remind me never to make you angry."

"Again?" Luke teased.

Noah pressed their foreheads together and stole another kiss causing Luke to smile. "Yes, I mentioned that too."

Luke gave a contented sigh as he shared another soft kiss with his boyfriend. If this was heaven then it was exactly where Luke wanted to be. He felt complete and more at peace than he had felt in a very long time. There was something so right about being with Noah out here near the pond that had been his sanctuary at one point. The breeze was warm and gentle, and the sun made its presence known in the brilliant blue sky. It was a picture right out of a story book and Luke was just glad that his tale had a happy ending.

"Noah?"

"Yes," Noah asked pulling away to look into Luke's eyes.

"Can you take me home?" Luke asked even as Noah reached out to push back the lock of auburn hair hat had fallen into his face. Noah just smiled and stood pulling Luke up with him.

With their arms wrapped around each other they walked back to the house to say good bye to Holden. Luke hugged his father for a long moment and thanked him for not giving up on him. Noah stood back and watched, thinking that it was very nice indeed to see Luke and Holden properly reunited. He knew that they would both appreciate the path that brought them back together and they wouldn't take their relationship for granted ever again. He was only mildly surprised when Luke and Holden pulled him into a great group hug. If his boyfriend and his surrogate father saw the tears glistening in his eyes neither of them said anything. Luke wasn't the only one who finally found like he had found his home. Noah was certain there was no place he would rather be then here or anywhere with Luke.

July 24, 2010

Noah and I are about to move into our new house, and I have to admit that the prospect excites me. We've been in this cabin now for close to three years, and while I love it here I never quite got the sense that it was ours. I mean, Grandma Lucinda allowed us to stay here and we have lived pretty good, but I think that is the point. While we were able to make this place our own it wasn't ours. It was more like a loan. The place we are moving to completely belongs to us. We bought it together and we furnished it together. Everything there is a reflection of who we are now and I kind of like it.

I feel like today is going to be our true beginning and it's been a long time coming. I can finally look back on that fateful day two years ago and feel like I have completely regained my life, and I haven't heard from Damian since that day I walked away from him.. I thought I had found my purpose back then, and today I'm fairly certain that I made the right choice that day. Noah has been my rock, and I have done my best to be that for him as well.

A lot happened after I sent Damian away that day. My experiences at Echo Lake prompted an investigation that lasted longer than anyone had anticipated. As of last year they were still uncovering new things about Ross Kreeger and his staff that surprised even me. Noah and I decided that my story needed to be told, so we pooled our resources and wrote a book. The story is an honest portrayal of a boy whose only wish is to be accepted by the people he loves the most. It's a tale of betrayal and deceit, as well as a story about the truths we all seek to find in life. I hope that my story will help others, and I know that in a lot of ways it has.

Noah and I turned in the final manuscript at the beginning of the year, and the book was published three months later. The best part is that places like Echo Lake are being investigated and shut down.

Noah says that my honesty may have saved a lot of kids from going through the same thing I went through. I hope he's right.

I feel a lot better about things now that some time has passed. I have gained a sense of peace about my relationship, or lack thereof, with Damian. I don't even allow myself to think about him anymore. His blood may run through my veins but my spirit and my heart are all Snyder, and that is as it should be.

This past May Noah and I graduated from Oakdale University and Noah was accepted into Northwestern's Graduate Film program, so Noah and I are on our way to Chicago, where we bought a nice condo about five minutes from the university. My plan is to take creative writing classes at Northwestern while I work on my novel. I outlined my ideas for the publishers and they gave me a contract and an advance. I like being able to help out with our finances. It feels good because I know this is money I earned without having to touch my inheritance. In any case Noah seems to think I can craft the perfect manuscript, and if I can be honest for a moment, I think so too. I don't think I'm the best writer or anything like that, but I am starting to believe that I have talent. I can't stop writing these days, which is why Noah is standing there right now with a smirk on his face.

The movers are coming in less than an hour and we have some last minute things to get together, so it's time for me to sign off. Tomorrow will be the beginning of a new life in a new city and I can't wait to see what life has in store.

Luke smiled and closed the journal even as Noah wrapped his arms around him from behind. He leaned into the embrace and looked up into loving blue eyes.

"Are you ready?" Noah asked leaning in for a soft kiss.

"Yes," Luke replied softly his hands moving to touch Noah's arms completing the embrace. "I'm ready."


End file.
